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The Arguing Adolescent<br />How To Handle Conflict With Your Teen<br />By Kent K. Kessler<br />© August 2009<br />
Your Last Argument<br />Take a moment to write down what your last 2-3 arguments with your teenager were or<br />Write dow...
Argument Ammo<br />Which of these did those arguments center around?<br />Social life & customs (eg. Choice of friends)<br...
Arguing Acrobatics:  Which do they do?<br />Switching the subject<br />Overloading: bringing up more than one subject<br /...
Arguing Acrobatics: Which do YOU do?<br />Switching the subject, “And another thing…”<br />Overloading, “You wanted a car,...
What Is Going On?<br />The adolescent world<br />You hate that they can argue better<br />They argue better because they t...
What is the goal of arguing?<br />To win?<br />To be right?<br />To be respected?<br />To achieve peace?<br />To raise awa...
Why arguments get started<br />The Marriage: unstable<br />The Minors: differences <br />The Missing: communication skills...
The Secret Life Of American Teen<br />Season 1 Episode 4 Part 2<br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjYOCdApawA<br />
Why arguments get started<br />The Marriage: unstable<br />The Minors: differences <br />The Missing: communication skills...
The Well-Behaved Parent<br />In each set of four statements, circle which one or two statements best describe you:<br />I ...
The Well-Behaved Parent<br />I assume the ultimate responsibility for my child’s behavior.<br />I favor absolutes and forc...
The Well-Behaved Parent<br />I have high expectations of my children and place high expectations on them.<br />It is impor...
The Well-Behaved Parent<br />I explain the reasons behind why I want my kids to do what I ask them and invite their intera...
The Well-Behaved Parent<br />Four Styles of Parenting<br />(adapted from p139, Steinberg)<br />
How Would You Respond?<br />TO THESE PATTERNS :<br />PERFECTIONISTIC BOSS<br />REJECTING BOSS<br />OVERPROTECTIVE BOSS<br ...
How Would Teens Respond?<br />TO THESE PATTERNS OF PARENTING:<br />PERFECTIONISTIC PARENTS<br />REJECTING PARENTS<br />OVE...
In Summary So Far: Your Goals<br />Balance Responding And Expecting<br />Develop Good Communication Skills<br />Master Ver...
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES<br />Words of affirmation and encouragement<br />Acts of service<br />Gift giving<br />Quality Time <b...
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
LACK OF BOUNDARIES LEADS TO<br /><ul><li>Aggressive behavior
School problems
Conflicts with friends
Sexual involvement
Drugs
Gangs 	</li></ul>(p9, Cloud)<br />Impulsivity<br />Inattention to parental directives<br />Defying authority<br />Whining<...
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
THE FIVE LAWS OF CORRECTION<br />1st Law: distinguish between mistakes and defiance<br />2nd Law: all correction must prom...
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The Arguing Adolescent

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In this presentation parents can view the slides to my research on how to deal with your teen during a very important developmental time in their life (and yours!). Just contact me to have me come and share with your group or ministry about these helpful ideas with understanding your teen.

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The Arguing Adolescent

  1. 1. The Arguing Adolescent<br />How To Handle Conflict With Your Teen<br />By Kent K. Kessler<br />© August 2009<br />
  2. 2. Your Last Argument<br />Take a moment to write down what your last 2-3 arguments with your teenager were or<br />Write down what are the typical things you find you and your teenager arguing about on a regular basis<br />
  3. 3. Argument Ammo<br />Which of these did those arguments center around?<br />Social life & customs (eg. Choice of friends)<br />Responsibility issues (eg. Household chores)<br />School performance (eg. Time spent on homework)<br />Family relationships (eg. Treatment of younger sibs)<br />Values & morals (eg. Music they listen to)<br />(p. 301, Parrott, p131 Steinberg)<br />
  4. 4. Arguing Acrobatics: Which do they do?<br />Switching the subject<br />Overloading: bringing up more than one subject<br />Interrupting<br />Blaming/Attributing guilt<br />Sarcasm<br />Silent treatment<br />Generalizations<br />“You always…”<br />(p. 308, Parrott)<br />
  5. 5. Arguing Acrobatics: Which do YOU do?<br />Switching the subject, “And another thing…”<br />Overloading, “You wanted a car, a job, a girlfriend, sports…”<br />Interrupting, “I have something I want to say.”<br />Blaming /Attributing guilt, “That’s because YOU…”<br />Sarcasm, “OHHHH, like I’ve never heard THAT before.”<br />Silent treatment, “”<br />Power plays, “Because I said so and I’m the mommy.”<br />Generalizations , “All guys want is sex, so…!”<br />“You always”<br />(p. 308, Parrott)<br />
  6. 6. What Is Going On?<br />The adolescent world<br />You hate that they can argue better<br />They argue better because they think better<br />They think better because they aren’t children any more<br />They have a lot to deal with<br />You might be in a midlife crisis too<br />You need balance<br />
  7. 7. What is the goal of arguing?<br />To win?<br />To be right?<br />To be respected?<br />To achieve peace?<br />To raise awareness?<br />To have an understanding?<br />To communicate your desires and needs?<br />There is a better way.<br />
  8. 8. Why arguments get started<br />The Marriage: unstable<br />The Minors: differences <br />The Missing: communication skills<br />The Mission: can you be trusted<br />(adapted from pp. 302-303, Parrott)<br />
  9. 9. The Secret Life Of American Teen<br />Season 1 Episode 4 Part 2<br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjYOCdApawA<br />
  10. 10. Why arguments get started<br />The Marriage: unstable<br />The Minors: differences <br />The Missing: communication skills<br />The Mission: can you be trusted<br />Too Much: unrealistic expectations<br />Not Enough: Consistent rules and roles<br />(adapted from pp. 302-303, Parrott)<br />
  11. 11. The Well-Behaved Parent<br />In each set of four statements, circle which one or two statements best describe you:<br />I place a high value on helping my child(ren) to develop an autonomous lifestyle.<br />I place a high value on conformity to following my rules in my home.<br />I place a high value on my child’s happiness above many other things.<br />I place a high value on making my home mostly about me and my happiness.<br /> <br />
  12. 12. The Well-Behaved Parent<br />I assume the ultimate responsibility for my child’s behavior.<br />I favor absolutes and forceful disciplinary measures with my child(ren).<br />I seek to not control my children leaving many decisions up to them.<br />The more my kids can take care of themselves and stay out my way the better.<br />
  13. 13. The Well-Behaved Parent<br />I have high expectations of my children and place high expectations on them.<br />It is important that my children do exactly what I tell them to do without question.<br />I have few demands on my kids and give them a high degree of freedom.<br />I have little interest in what my kids are doing or where they are.<br />
  14. 14. The Well-Behaved Parent<br />I explain the reasons behind why I want my kids to do what I ask them and invite their interaction.<br />I want to know what my kids are doing all the time and so they need to ask me before they do anything.<br />I don’t want to interfere with my child’s development so I allow them make many decisions on their own.<br />I don’t really talk to my children about much of anything or ask their opinions.<br />
  15. 15. The Well-Behaved Parent<br />Four Styles of Parenting<br />(adapted from p139, Steinberg)<br />
  16. 16. How Would You Respond?<br />TO THESE PATTERNS :<br />PERFECTIONISTIC BOSS<br />REJECTING BOSS<br />OVERPROTECTIVE BOSS<br />OVERINDULGENT BOSS<br />OVERPERMISSIVE BOSS<br />SEVERE BOSS<br />INCONSISTENT BOSS<br />DOUBLE BINDING BOSS<br />
  17. 17. How Would Teens Respond?<br />TO THESE PATTERNS OF PARENTING:<br />PERFECTIONISTIC PARENTS<br />REJECTING PARENTS<br />OVERPROTECTIVE PARENTS<br />OVERINDULGENT PARENTS<br />OVERPERMISSIVE PARENTS<br />SEVERE PARENTS<br />INCONSISTENT PARENTS<br />DOUBLE BINDING PARENTS<br />(pp305-306, Parrott)<br />
  18. 18. In Summary So Far: Your Goals<br />Balance Responding And Expecting<br />Develop Good Communication Skills<br />Master Verbal Give-and-take<br />Keep the relationship warm and open<br />Let your adolescent train you to be good<br />(adapted from pp140-141, Steinberg)<br />
  19. 19. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  20. 20. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  21. 21. FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES<br />Words of affirmation and encouragement<br />Acts of service<br />Gift giving<br />Quality Time <br />Physical closeness/Touch <br />(pp 143-149, Ezzo).<br />
  22. 22. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  23. 23. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  24. 24. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  25. 25. LACK OF BOUNDARIES LEADS TO<br /><ul><li>Aggressive behavior
  26. 26. School problems
  27. 27. Conflicts with friends
  28. 28. Sexual involvement
  29. 29. Drugs
  30. 30. Gangs </li></ul>(p9, Cloud)<br />Impulsivity<br />Inattention to parental directives<br />Defying authority<br />Whining<br />Procrastination<br />Inability to finish tasks<br />
  31. 31. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  32. 32. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  33. 33. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  34. 34. THE FIVE LAWS OF CORRECTION<br />1st Law: distinguish between mistakes and defiance<br />2nd Law: all correction must promote learning, <br />3rd Law: the punishment should fit the crime, <br />4th Law: an offense against a person or property requires an apology, <br />5th Law: if financial liability occurs, the teen should make restitution <br />(pp102-106, Ezzo) <br />
  35. 35. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  36. 36. 10 Biblical Principles For Parents<br />
  37. 37. TOP TEN COUNTDOWN TO A NEW KID BY FRIDAY<br />10. Be 100 percent consistent in your behavior.<br />9. Always follow through on what you will say you will do.<br />8. Respond, don’t react.<br />7. Count to 10 and ask yourself, “What would my old self do in this situation? What should the new me do?”<br />6. Never threaten your kids.<br />5. Never get angry. (When you do get angry apologize quickly.)<br />4. Don’t give any warnings. (If you want to warn your child, you’re saying, “You’re stupid, I have to tell you twice.”)<br />3. Ask yourself, “Whose problem is this?” (Don’t own what isn’t yours.)<br />2. Don’t think the misbehavior will go away.<br />1. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to…do something else <br />(p289, Lehman).<br />
  38. 38. I’m Available To Come Speak<br />Email: kkkessler@yahoo.com<br />Cell phone: 765-860-3751<br />Facebook: iamkentkessler<br />Twitter: nextgenkent<br />Ideas for the future:<br />Advisory group: For me<br />Networkers: Know a specialist?<br />Round-table parent meeting: For you<br />
  39. 39. The Arguing Adolescent<br />How To Handle Conflict With Your Teen<br />By Kent K. Kessler<br />© August 2009<br />

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