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  1. 1. Untitled Written and illustrated by: Kali, Breanna, Katrina and Kelly Loosely based on true events
  2. 2. Once upon a time there was a magical mountain called Y mountain. It was rumored that magical llamas inhabited this mountain. They spit magical spit. “Yes, that’s right foos, I’m back. Obama the llama.”
  3. 3. But, the magical llama mountain really has nothing to do with this story. It REALLY all starts out on a snowy day, just like any other day in Utah, but with about three more feet of the fluffy stuff…. (yes that means snow)
  4. 4. “Oh eff.” Bre shouted. “I have a date with Ronald in five minutes and I really don’t think I want to go. Yeah, pretty sure. I don’t want to go. But, either way, I can’t find my shoes.” “You’re wearing them…” stated Katrina.
  5. 5. Just then, the doorbell rang. It was Ronald. He said, “What would you like to do for our date tonight?” Bre looked at him and said, “I thought you were supposed to decide on that…” “Oh. Well, we could eat. You hungry?” “Sure. I’m effing munchy.” “Okay. Sounds good.” And then they left.
  6. 6. Ronald and Bre went to the El Diablo Mexican Restaurant. Ronald began to speak rapid Spanish. “Perro bonita hija muchacho chocolate llaves gordo cama lapiz. Por favor.” “Si senior.” said the waiter with a funny mustache. “And for the lady?” Bre’s eyes widened, then got smaller. Her pupils dilated as she contorted her face. First confusion. Then anger. Then rage - but only for a second. Then disappointment. She opened her mouth and said, “I’ll have the same thing my ridiculously handsome date is having, please. He always knows what’s best for me.” Ronald straightened in his seat, and smiled a crooked and slightly charming smile. The waiter tried to hide the disgusted look on his face, but only succeeded in making his mustache look even more ridiculous. “I’ll be right back with your orders.” The waiter said. “If you need anything, my name is Pedro. If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true.”
  7. 7. Suddenly Bre felt a small tap under the table. Suddenly Ronald was pummeling her legs. “Ouch!” she cried in dismay. She stood up and grabbed his hair and began to violently whisper, “Listen buddy, I don’t know who you think you are, but if you don’t stop kicking me, we are through!” Her voice was as cold as ice, but Ronald thought it was pretty hot, like the jalapeños he was about to consume with haste.
  8. 8. “Please, I’m so sorry. Sit back down.” Bre let go of his hair and sat back down. Then she felt a small tap on her leg. “Is this better?” Ronald asked smiling seductively. “Here’s your food.” Pedro said setting down a tiny platter of food. “Bon appetite!”
  9. 9. Bre squinted at the miniscule platter of food, trying to see what was on it. Then she gave up, because it was just too hard of a task. “So what do you like to do for fun Breanna?” “I like to watch movies.” “That’s it?! Do you like to do anything else?” Suddenly Ronald jumped up from the table and started to sing. “Viiiiiiiideo games, going to party-arty-arty-arties, I love to swim and wear my sombrero…in the rain. It makes a nice umbrella for the girls that I am kissing…” Ronald was trying to tell Bre all of the fun things she could do besides watching movies. It was working. Breanna started to feel very lame. The date ended abruptly when Bre excused herself to go to the bathroom. She then proceeded to squirm out of the tiny window and run home. (Ronald wasn’t too disappointed though. He had been eyeing Pedro all night…)
  10. 10. On the way home, Breanna ran into Josue. Head, body, and all. “I’m looking for Kelly” said Josue. “Have you seen her?” “Why yes, yes I have!”Bre exclaimed loudly. “She is at my apartment right now. Come, I’ll take you there.” So off they went, hand in hoof, skipping off into the sunset.
  11. 11. Soon the two friends arrived at apartment 302, very snow covered indeed. Sadly enough, Kelly wasn’t home as Bre was expecting. However, Melissa was home, and she was very excited to see Josue. “Excellllennnnnttt” she hissed, “A new patient…I mean, guest.” Melissa currently was sharpening kitchen knives, with a book called The Spleenectomny opened to page 46.
  12. 12. Somehow, over the course of the next five minutes, Josue was duct taped to the kitchen table, headless. Melissa was scowling about another surgery gone awry. And Kali had come home, and her and Bre were crying over the loss of Josue.
  13. 13. So the girls of R 302 (minus Melissa) decided to have a trial, and prosecute Melissa for the death of Josue. Melissa was frightened at the idea of losing to the cleverly brilliant team of Kali, Breanna, Katrina, Erin, and Kelly. So she sought help from the first person she saw – Sean J. Holder, JD, PhD, OD, ADD, ACT, MCAT, and all around party guy.
  14. 14. Kermit the frog was invited over to be the impartial judge of the trial. “Order, order!” Kermit said. “It’s about time, I’m starving! I’ll have two eggs, some waffles, and a short stack of pancakes, extra syrup please. Hold the butter. Also, one bag of green, red and white gummy bears. That’s all ” yelled out Jordan Holmes. He looked very ravenous, saliva was drooling out of his mouth, down his chin, and pooling on the floor next to his feet. “I meant order in the court!” said Kermit. “Well in that case, I’m going to the all night buffet. Come on Todd.” And so, Jordan and Todd left the building.
  15. 15. “Anyone else wanting to leave to go to the midnight buffet? I hear they have pretty good eggrolls.” Kermit said. “But I wouldn’t really know- I just eat flies.”
  16. 16. So judge Kermit, feeling pretty hungry after discussing flies, left shortly after Todd and Jordan to go and get something to eat. Unfortunately that left the court with no judge. So, the most practical solution was to invite over Jowanza to preside. “This court needs to start being more efficient. And by efficient, I mean the outcome that uses resources in the best way.” said Jowanza. “Now, let us begin.”
  17. 17. “I didn’t do it! I didn’t kill Josue!” Melissa cried. “I left the room for one second, and when I came back, he was headless and dead!” “Well than who killed him?” asked Kali. “I don’t know! I just know that it wasn’t me!” Melissa cried. Sean J. Holder began to squirm in his seat uncomfortably. He continued to squirm in his chair, until at last he jumped up and shouted…
  18. 18. “I KILLED JOSUE!”
  19. 19. The local authorities were contacted and Sean was soon cuffed, read his rights, and sent to the slammer. Everyone started to celebrate the fact that such a terrible criminal had been put away. Bre started to cook some food so that everyone could eat something. All of a sudden, the frying pan caught on fire, so she ran out the door yelling, “FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE!” She used her quick wits to extinguish the flames.
  20. 20. Everyone started calling their friends up to come over to the celebration. Soon, there were tons of people over.
  21. 21. Then, Lance with the fancy dancy pants walked in. Everybody stopped talking and just stared at him. Rumor had it that he had been hanging out with the Nazi crowd lately. And the snarl on his face was worth a thousand words.
  22. 22. Lance was quite confused as he saw the fear on everyone’s faces. He asked what was wrong, and one brave soul piped up. “We are scared of you because word on the street is that you are a Nazi…” “Ah haha, that is simply ridiculous. I am simply a world famous dancer, brightening the world with my blond hair, blue eyes, and dazzling smile…. …I also sell girl scout cookies on the side.”
  23. 23. Everyone laughed and began to drink margaritas again, accepting Lance’s simple explanation. Then, suddenly, with no explanation, sixteen children walked into the room and started to hug Jowanza. Here are four of them.
  24. 24. Jowanza started to freak out. He started shaking uncontrollably and then he yelled, “I need a blackboard and some chalk!” He make all of the children sit down, and taught them about Asymmetrical Information. “Now children, Asymmetrical Information is the idea that if in a two person interaction, if one person knows more than the other, they will not have an efficient transaction.”
  25. 25. Erin then walked into the room , and saw Jowanza teaching all of the children about economics. She pointed her index finger accusingly, and started to yell, “A BLACK PERSON!!!” Erin forgot that she usually only yells that in her head, and that’s why she yelled it out loud.
  26. 26. Kara then came in and pulled the slightly embarrassed and very tomato red Erin out of the room. The went into the kitchen, and there Kara, Erin, and Elisa had an impromptu dance party. Two of the spice girls also showed up. “So tell me whatcha want what you really really want….I’ll tell you what I want what I really really want. So tell me what you want….”
  27. 27. The dance party was really starting to kick off. There were so many people dancing. Elisa, Kara, Erin and the two spice girls were now joined by Kelly. As they continued to dance, there was a knock on the door. “KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!” the door went. Then, the door was kicked in by Webster, and there stood a very confused Jeff on the doorstep.
  28. 28. Katrina was overcome with joy when she saw Webster. “Webster! It’s been so long! I’ve missed you so much!” she cooed. “I’m glad that you went back to Africa to visit your parents, but I’m happy that you’re home.” Webster replied with an, “Mmfuuggmmm!”
  29. 29. So with Katrina and Webster having a tearful reunion, Jeff was left standing awkwardly on the doorstep. “Kelly, your cousin is here! Are you still dating him!?” Kali yelled out. “He’s not my cousin! And we’re not dating!” retorted Kelly.
  30. 30. Kelly and Jeff waltzed together out the door, hand in hand. The went to Trafalga to enjoy unlimited miniature golf. When they got there, the place was extremely busy, so they ended up playing with a team of small and very angry lawn gnomes.
  31. 31. Flash forward to the end of the date. The lawn gnomes completely owned Jeff and Kelly. It was kind of embarrassing, so I won’t go into too much detail. They went back to R302 feeling very dejected. But when they got there, they were immediately cheered up by Lance and his friends putting on a Dance Dance Spectacular! And by Lance and his friends, we mean Lance trying to teach Jordan, Todd, and Jowanza to dance.
  32. 32. As they finished their dance routine, they all took their finals poses. “That was pretty awesome” Todd exclaimed. “It’s way cooler than tram-pam- pampolines!” Then they all left and went to jump on tram-pam-pampolines for a long time.
  33. 33. Everyone began to talk about how much they loved the Dance Dance Spectacular. It was really quite amazing how good they were. When everyone wanted to invite them back for a repeat performance, Bre stood up and adamantly said, “NO! They cannot come back because we are boycotting them.” “We simply cannot hang out with them anymore, especially Jordan. My boycott is starting now, and it is going to be very very effective!”
  34. 34. Five minutes later, Bre had forgotten all about her boycott and was talking with Jordan.
  35. 35. Soon all was back to normal at R302 – well, as normal as can be. Kelly was back and her cousin/date Jeff had gone back to Idaho. The Dance Dance Spectacular team had left, and now it was just the six girls, Webster, and Obama has stopped at the apartment for some small talk and cookies. He was no longer a llama. He was now back to his usual superhero self.
  36. 36. So, the girls decided to go up to the bell tower and roast some marshmallows. Then, a swarm of homeless people came and took over the marshmallow roasting so Kali, Breanna and Marc started to play racquetball.
  37. 37. As the girls were driving home, Bre’s car broke down, and they sat there in stunned silence. So, Katrina and Kali got out and pushed the car…. Uphill, in the snow…. both ways.
  38. 38. But then, Kali and Katrina’s inflatable muscles collapsed, but only after they made it back into the apartment parking lot. This was a very sad day- mostly because Katrina got snow slush in her shoes and socks….. All of them.
  39. 39. Once Bre’s car finally got working- Kali, Kelly and Bre decided to jump in the car and travel across the land of Utah to see the world. And when we say world, we mean Ogden to meet up with some super hot boys they met on the interstate. There was also a wolf.
  40. 40. Once the date ended, they all came back to the apartment for some DDR. Dave came over with Gabe, and it was quite intense. Once the DDR ended, somehow all of the guys ended up on one couch. It was kind of awkward for everyone watching.
  41. 41. Meanwhile, Kelly was on a date with Njck. (Names have been changed to project identities). Kelly and Njck went bowling. Kelly stepped up to the lane, and was able to knock down 2 whole pins. “Wooooo!!!! Yeah Kelly!!!” said Njck. “That was amazing!!! You are so good at bowling!! There is such a good spin on the ball!” Kelly just sat there, silently fuming, annoyed that he even thought she was remotely good.
  42. 42. Kelly came home from her date, extremely upset. At that exact same time, Bre came home from her tenth date that week. Also at that exact same time, Kali, Erin, Melissa, and Katrina all came home from their dates too. It was kind of an awkward doorstep scene.
  43. 43. All the guys from everyone’s dates decided to go and hang out with each other. So, the girls were alone at their apartment again. Kelly was still extremely upset, so Heather and Jake came over to console her ‘hurting’…
  44. 44. …it worked.
  45. 45. So, with Kelly having her sister over, Erin became extremely jealous and enraged and so she invited her sister Kylie over. They ate some chips.
  46. 46. Then, Austin came over, and everyone finally got to meet this mysterious boy. He was kind of cool. I guess. He walked in the door, called Kelly cross- eyed (but only slightly), then he kissed her on the top of her head. Everyone felt really awkward. How romantic. He then put on a red cape and flew out the window.
  47. 47. JUST THEN THE GREEN MONKEY RETURNED FROM SCOTLAND.
  48. 48. Marc came back over and invited everyone to go to the beach with him. He was strolling along the beach when suddenly there were pirates everywhere. They started to chase him, and he frantically ran inland. He manages to lure them away from everyone so that they can get home safely. He thinks he is safe, when suddenly he steps on a land mine and kablooey! Off goes his right leg. So as he is hopping around on one leg trying to figure out what to do, he gets knocked over by a paper boy. He can’t stand up with just one leg, so he just sits there awkwardly. Suddenly, indigenous Vietnamese badgers come and eat him. Marc Jones took one for the team. RIP 1987-2009.
  49. 49. Everyone spent a few minutes mourning the loss of Marc. Then, they went to Wendy’s to get some food. “Hello, I would like 16 kids meals. Cheeseburgers please. With chocolate milk.” “Your total will be $56.43 – please pull up to the first window…”
  50. 50. They were driving back to the apartment with their 16 kids meals when Bre’s car broke down again. Apparently, having six people eat that much food isn’t very wise. Or lightweight. So, Kelly called AAA.
  51. 51. The people at AAA called a tow truck to go and help the girls on the side of the road. He fixed their car, and soon they were back at their apartment. Hooray!
  52. 52. So the tow guy followed them home to make sure they were safe. When he pulled off his hat, everyone realized that he was really Elvis Presley. “You aint nothin but a hound dog Cryin all the time. You aint nothin but a hound dog Cryin all the time. Well, you aint never caught a rabbit And you aint no friend of mine.”
  53. 53. Suddenly Elvis kicked it, leaving behind a very disgusting looking corpse. The girls, being quite mortified, quickly made him leave the apartment.
  54. 54. Everyone went up to Jordan’s house for a picnic. While they were there, they met Matt. He was really cute and nice, and he kissed Kali and Kelly. A lot. So, when they came back, Kelly told Heather all about how Matt kissed her and Kali. “I HATE it when you meet boys at parties Kelly!” she exclaimed.
  55. 55. Heather thought that Kelly was a slut.
  56. 56. Matt is actually a dog.
  57. 57. After they all got back, there was nothing to do. The silence ticked on, and the boredom was about to kill someone when Jessica Alba walked in.
  58. 58. Oddly enough, she came in with Jowanza. Apparently the two of them had been secretly dating for the past few months. They then announced that they were to be married.
  59. 59. Suddenly, Dante kicked in the front door of the apartment using his awesome strength. As the wood chips and dust settled, he loudly declared, “I will be the bouncer at the wedding.” And so, Dante became the official bouncer of the Joseph – Alba wedding.
  60. 60. Soon, everyone was gathered at the wedding ceremony, ready to celebrate the day when Jowanza and Jessica Alba were to be married. The preacher stepped up to the pulpit and began to talk.
  61. 61. A few minutes later, the preacher had pronounced them man and wife, and everyone threw rice at the happy couple.
  62. 62. Todd was so excited that Jowanza finally got married. “Mahzaltov! Check it out, I got you a brand spanking new tram-pom-pompoline. But you better invite me over, cause, you know, I sort of bought it for me even though I’m giving it to you guys.”
  63. 63. In the end, Pedro and Ronald hooked up and shared many long night and many jalapeños. Melissa is continuing her quest to become the perfect surgeon. Sean is in jail for life, with no chance of parole. Erin, Elisa, and Kara reformed the Spice girls. Webster took Katrina to Africa to meet his parents. Dance Dance Spectacular went global, and they are now the new teen sensation. Breanna has become a wolf bounty hunter, dedicating her life to protecting others. Marc is buried in the grave next to Josue. Kelly, much to the relief of her sister Heather, has settled down with her one true love. And Jowanza and Jessica and settled in California, living in their giant mansion that holds their family of 17 kids. The End.

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