Written and illustrated by:
Kali, Breanna, Katrina and Kelly
Loosely based on true events
Once upon a time there was a magical mountain called Y mountain. It was
rumored that magical llamas inhabited this mountain. They spit magical spit.
“Yes, that’s right foos, I’m back. Obama the llama.”
But, the magical llama mountain really has nothing to do with this story. It
REALLY all starts out on a snowy day, just like any other day in Utah, but with
about three more feet of the fluffy stuff…. (yes that means snow)
“Oh eff.” Bre shouted. “I have a date with Ronald in five minutes and I really don’t
think I want to go. Yeah, pretty sure. I don’t want to go. But, either way, I can’t
find my shoes.”
“You’re wearing them…” stated Katrina.
Just then, the doorbell rang. It was Ronald. He said, “What would you like to do for our date
Bre looked at him and said, “I thought you were supposed to decide on that…”
“Oh. Well, we could eat. You hungry?”
“Sure. I’m effing munchy.”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
And then they left.
Ronald and Bre went to the El Diablo Mexican Restaurant. Ronald began to speak
“Perro bonita hija muchacho chocolate llaves gordo cama lapiz. Por favor.”
“Si senior.” said the waiter with a funny mustache. “And for the lady?”
Bre’s eyes widened, then got smaller. Her pupils dilated as she contorted her face.
First confusion. Then anger. Then rage - but only for a second. Then
disappointment. She opened her mouth and said, “I’ll have the same thing my
ridiculously handsome date is having, please. He always knows what’s best for
Ronald straightened in his seat, and smiled a crooked and slightly charming smile.
The waiter tried to hide the disgusted look on his face, but only succeeded in
making his mustache look even more ridiculous.
“I’ll be right back with your orders.” The waiter said. “If you need anything, my
name is Pedro. If you vote for me, all of your wildest dreams will come true.”
Suddenly Bre felt a small tap under the
table. Suddenly Ronald was pummeling her
legs. “Ouch!” she cried in dismay. She stood
up and grabbed his hair and began to
violently whisper, “Listen buddy, I don’t
know who you think you are, but if you
don’t stop kicking me, we are through!”
Her voice was as cold as ice, but Ronald
thought it was pretty hot, like the jalapeños
he was about to consume with haste.
“Please, I’m so sorry. Sit back down.” Bre let go of his hair and sat back down.
Then she felt a small tap on her leg.
“Is this better?” Ronald asked smiling seductively.
“Here’s your food.” Pedro said setting down a tiny platter of food. “Bon
Bre squinted at the miniscule platter of food, trying to see what was on it.
Then she gave up, because it was just too hard of a task.
“So what do you like to do for fun Breanna?”
“I like to watch movies.”
“That’s it?! Do you like to do anything else?”
Suddenly Ronald jumped up from the table and started
“Viiiiiiiideo games, going to party-arty-arty-arties, I love to swim and wear
my sombrero…in the rain. It makes a nice umbrella for the girls that I am
Ronald was trying to tell Bre all of the fun things she could do besides
watching movies. It was working. Breanna started to feel very lame.
The date ended abruptly when Bre excused herself to go to the bathroom.
She then proceeded to squirm out of the tiny window and run home.
(Ronald wasn’t too disappointed though. He had been eyeing Pedro all
On the way home, Breanna ran into Josue. Head, body, and all.
“I’m looking for Kelly” said Josue. “Have you seen her?”
“Why yes, yes I have!”Bre exclaimed loudly. “She is at my apartment right now.
Come, I’ll take you there.”
So off they went, hand in hoof, skipping off into the sunset.
Soon the two friends arrived at
apartment 302, very snow
covered indeed. Sadly
enough, Kelly wasn’t home as
Bre was expecting.
However, Melissa was
home, and she was very excited
to see Josue.
hissed, “A new patient…I
Melissa currently was
sharpening kitchen knives, with
a book called The
Spleenectomny opened to page
Somehow, over the course of the next
five minutes, Josue was duct taped to the
kitchen table, headless. Melissa was
scowling about another surgery gone
And Kali had come home, and her and
Bre were crying over the loss of Josue.
So the girls of R 302 (minus Melissa)
decided to have a trial, and prosecute
Melissa for the death of Josue.
Melissa was frightened at the idea of
losing to the cleverly brilliant team of Kali,
Breanna, Katrina, Erin, and Kelly. So she
sought help from the first person she saw
– Sean J. Holder, JD, PhD, OD, ADD,
ACT, MCAT, and all around party guy.
Kermit the frog was invited over to be
the impartial judge of the trial.
“Order, order!” Kermit said.
“It’s about time, I’m starving! I’ll have
two eggs, some waffles, and a short
stack of pancakes, extra syrup please.
Hold the butter. Also, one bag of green,
red and white gummy bears. That’s all ”
yelled out Jordan Holmes. He looked
very ravenous, saliva was drooling out of
his mouth, down his chin, and pooling
on the floor next to his feet.
“I meant order in the court!” said
“Well in that case, I’m going to the all
night buffet. Come on Todd.”
And so, Jordan and Todd left the
“Anyone else wanting to leave to go to the midnight buffet? I hear they
have pretty good eggrolls.” Kermit said. “But I wouldn’t really know- I just
So judge Kermit, feeling pretty hungry after discussing flies, left shortly after Todd
and Jordan to go and get something to eat.
Unfortunately that left the court with no judge. So, the most practical solution was
to invite over Jowanza to preside.
“This court needs to start being more efficient. And by efficient, I mean the
outcome that uses resources in the best way.” said Jowanza. “Now, let us begin.”
“I didn’t do it! I didn’t kill
Josue!” Melissa cried. “I
left the room for one
second, and when I came
back, he was headless
“Well than who killed
him?” asked Kali.
“I don’t know! I just know
that it wasn’t me!”
Sean J. Holder began to
squirm in his seat
He continued to squirm
in his chair, until at last
he jumped up and
The local authorities were contacted and Sean was soon cuffed, read his rights, and sent
to the slammer.
Everyone started to celebrate the fact that such a terrible criminal had been put away.
Bre started to cook some
food so that everyone could
eat something. All of a
sudden, the frying pan
caught on fire, so she ran
out the door yelling, “FIRE
FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE!”
She used her quick wits to
extinguish the flames.
Everyone started calling their friends up to
come over to the celebration. Soon, there
were tons of people over.
it that he
the snarl on
Lance was quite confused as he saw the
fear on everyone’s faces. He asked what
was wrong, and one brave soul piped up.
“We are scared of you because word on
the street is that you are a Nazi…”
“Ah haha, that is simply ridiculous. I am
simply a world famous dancer,
brightening the world with my blond hair,
blue eyes, and dazzling smile….
…I also sell girl scout cookies on the side.”
Everyone laughed and began to drink margaritas again, accepting Lance’s simple
explanation. Then, suddenly, with no explanation, sixteen children walked into the
room and started to hug Jowanza. Here are four of them.
Jowanza started to freak out. He started
shaking uncontrollably and then he
yelled, “I need a blackboard and some
He make all of the children sit down, and
taught them about Asymmetrical
“Now children, Asymmetrical Information
is the idea that if in a two person
interaction, if one person knows more
than the other, they will not have an
Erin then walked into the room , and saw
Jowanza teaching all of the children about
She pointed her index finger accusingly, and
started to yell, “A BLACK PERSON!!!”
Erin forgot that she usually only yells that in
her head, and that’s why she yelled it out
Kara then came in and pulled the slightly
embarrassed and very tomato red Erin out of
The went into the kitchen, and there
Kara, Erin, and Elisa had an impromptu dance
party. Two of the spice girls also showed up.
“So tell me whatcha want what you really
really want….I’ll tell you what I want what I
really really want. So tell me what you
The dance party was really starting to
kick off. There were so many people
dancing. Elisa, Kara, Erin and the two
spice girls were now joined by Kelly.
As they continued to dance, there
was a knock on the door.
“KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!” the door
Then, the door was kicked in by
Webster, and there stood a very
confused Jeff on the doorstep.
Katrina was overcome with joy when she
“Webster! It’s been so long! I’ve missed
you so much!” she cooed. “I’m glad that
you went back to Africa to visit your
parents, but I’m happy that you’re home.”
Webster replied with an,
So with Katrina and Webster having a tearful
reunion, Jeff was left standing awkwardly on
“Kelly, your cousin is here! Are you still dating
him!?” Kali yelled out.
“He’s not my cousin! And we’re not dating!”
Kelly and Jeff waltzed together
out the door, hand in hand. The
went to Trafalga to enjoy
unlimited miniature golf.
When they got there, the place
was extremely busy, so they
ended up playing with a team of
small and very angry lawn
Flash forward to the end of the date. The lawn
gnomes completely owned Jeff and Kelly. It
was kind of embarrassing, so I won’t go into
too much detail.
They went back to R302 feeling very dejected.
But when they got there, they were
immediately cheered up by Lance and his
friends putting on a Dance Dance Spectacular!
And by Lance and his friends, we mean Lance
trying to teach Jordan, Todd, and Jowanza to
As they finished their dance routine, they all took their finals poses.
“That was pretty awesome” Todd exclaimed. “It’s way cooler than tram-pam-
Then they all left and went to jump on tram-pam-pampolines for a long time.
Everyone began to talk about how much they loved the Dance Dance Spectacular. It
was really quite amazing how good they were.
When everyone wanted to invite them back for a repeat performance, Bre stood up
and adamantly said, “NO! They cannot come back because we are boycotting them.”
“We simply cannot hang out with
them anymore, especially Jordan. My
boycott is starting now, and it is going
to be very very effective!”
Five minutes later, Bre had forgotten
all about her boycott and was talking
Soon all was back to normal at R302 –
well, as normal as can be. Kelly was back
and her cousin/date Jeff had gone back to
The Dance Dance Spectacular team had
left, and now it was just the six girls,
Webster, and Obama has stopped at the
apartment for some small talk and cookies.
He was no longer a llama. He was now
back to his usual superhero self.
So, the girls decided to go up to the bell
tower and roast some marshmallows.
Then, a swarm of homeless people came
and took over the marshmallow roasting
so Kali, Breanna and Marc started to play
As the girls were driving home, Bre’s
car broke down, and they sat there in
stunned silence. So, Katrina and Kali
got out and pushed the car…. Uphill,
in the snow…. both ways.
But then, Kali and Katrina’s inflatable muscles collapsed, but only after they made it
back into the apartment parking lot.
This was a very sad day- mostly because Katrina got snow slush in her shoes and
socks….. All of them.
Once Bre’s car finally got working- Kali, Kelly and Bre decided to jump in the car
and travel across the land of Utah to see the world. And when we say world, we
mean Ogden to meet up with some super hot boys they met on the interstate.
There was also a wolf.
Once the date ended, they all came back
to the apartment for some DDR. Dave
came over with Gabe, and it was quite
Once the DDR ended, somehow all of the
guys ended up on one couch. It was kind
of awkward for everyone watching.
Meanwhile, Kelly was on a date with
Njck. (Names have been changed to
project identities). Kelly and Njck went
Kelly stepped up to the lane, and was
able to knock down 2 whole pins.
“Wooooo!!!! Yeah Kelly!!!” said Njck.
“That was amazing!!! You are so good at
bowling!! There is such a good spin on
Kelly just sat there, silently fuming,
annoyed that he even thought she was
Kelly came home from her date, extremely
upset. At that exact same time, Bre came
home from her tenth date that week. Also
at that exact same time, Kali, Erin, Melissa,
and Katrina all came home from their
It was kind of an awkward doorstep scene.
All the guys from everyone’s dates decided to go and hang out with each other.
So, the girls were alone at their apartment again. Kelly was still extremely upset, so
Heather and Jake came over to console her ‘hurting’…
So, with Kelly having her sister
over, Erin became extremely jealous
and enraged and so she invited her
sister Kylie over. They ate some chips.
Then, Austin came over, and everyone
finally got to meet this mysterious boy.
He was kind of cool.
He walked in the door, called Kelly cross-
eyed (but only slightly), then he kissed her
on the top of her head. Everyone felt really
He then put on a red cape and flew out the
JUST THEN THE
Marc came back over and invited everyone to go to the beach with him. He was
strolling along the beach when suddenly there were pirates everywhere. They started
to chase him, and he frantically ran inland. He manages to lure them away from
everyone so that they can get home safely. He thinks he is safe, when suddenly he
steps on a land mine and kablooey! Off goes his right leg.
So as he is hopping around on one leg trying to figure out what to do, he gets knocked
over by a paper boy. He can’t stand up with just one leg, so he just sits there
awkwardly. Suddenly, indigenous Vietnamese badgers come and eat him.
Marc Jones took one for the team.
Everyone spent a few minutes mourning the loss of Marc.
Then, they went to Wendy’s to get some food.
“Hello, I would like 16 kids meals. Cheeseburgers please. With chocolate milk.”
“Your total will be $56.43 – please pull up to the first window…”
They were driving back to the apartment with their 16 kids meals when Bre’s car broke
down again. Apparently, having six people eat that much food isn’t very wise. Or
So, Kelly called AAA.
The people at AAA called a tow truck to go
and help the girls on the side of the road. He
fixed their car, and soon they were back at
their apartment. Hooray!
So the tow guy followed them home to
make sure they were safe. When he pulled
off his hat, everyone realized that he was
really Elvis Presley.
“You aint nothin but a hound dog
Cryin all the time.
You aint nothin but a hound dog
Cryin all the time.
Well, you aint never caught a rabbit
And you aint no friend of mine.”
Suddenly Elvis kicked it, leaving
behind a very disgusting looking
The girls, being quite
mortified, quickly made him leave
Everyone went up to Jordan’s house for a
picnic. While they were there, they met
Matt. He was really cute and nice, and he
kissed Kali and Kelly. A lot.
So, when they came back, Kelly told
Heather all about how Matt kissed her and
“I HATE it when you meet boys at parties
Kelly!” she exclaimed.
After they all got back, there was nothing
to do. The silence ticked on, and the
boredom was about to kill someone
when Jessica Alba walked in.
Oddly enough, she came in with
Jowanza. Apparently the two of
them had been secretly dating for
the past few months. They then
announced that they were to be
Suddenly, Dante kicked in the front door
of the apartment using his awesome
As the wood chips and dust settled, he
loudly declared, “I will be the bouncer at
And so, Dante became the official
bouncer of the Joseph – Alba wedding.
Soon, everyone was gathered at the
wedding ceremony, ready to
celebrate the day when Jowanza and
Jessica Alba were to be married.
The preacher stepped up to the
pulpit and began to talk.
A few minutes later, the preacher had pronounced them man and wife, and
everyone threw rice at the happy couple.
Todd was so excited that Jowanza finally got married.
“Mahzaltov! Check it out, I got you a brand spanking new tram-pom-pompoline. But
you better invite me over, cause, you know, I sort of bought it for me even though I’m
giving it to you guys.”
In the end, Pedro and Ronald hooked up and shared many long night and many
jalapeños. Melissa is continuing her quest to become the perfect surgeon. Sean is in
jail for life, with no chance of parole. Erin, Elisa, and Kara reformed the Spice girls.
Webster took Katrina to Africa to meet his parents. Dance Dance Spectacular went
global, and they are now the new teen sensation. Breanna has become a wolf
bounty hunter, dedicating her life to protecting others. Marc is buried in the grave
next to Josue. Kelly, much to the relief of her sister Heather, has settled down with
her one true love. And Jowanza and Jessica and settled in California, living in their
giant mansion that holds their family of 17 kids.