Kelly’s Bad Day
By Kali Pearce
(With minimal input by Bre, Erin, and Katrina.
But moreso by Bre. And not so much Erin. And
that was in no way, shape, or form rude.)
Once upon a time,
there was a little girl
named Kelly. She
had bright blue eyes
and loved her teddy
bear named Felix.
Everywhere she went,
she took Felix with
her. They were the
best of friends.
Then, one day, there
was a terrible
thunder storm while
Kelly was playing
“BOOM, CRASH, BANG, BOOM!” went the
storm. Kelly ran inside and cowered in fear
underneath her bed.
Meanwhile, on the
other side of town,
Erin cackled evilly as
she duct taped Felix
to a chair.
Then, she made a
phone call and
demanded a ransom
Kelly hung up the
phone and started to
cry. She couldn’t
believe that someone
was holding Felix for
Just then, Kali burst
through the door,
looking very wasted.
She stumbled across
the room, drink still in
hand, and thrust the
fridge open, declaring
loudly, “I’m effing
Kelly looked up tearfully
and said, “We have
Kali sloshed her drink about some more, and
then slurred, “Thanks. I’ll eat some o’ that.”
Then, she did.
As Kali was munching on
her muffin, she
HEFEMU” she shouted.
“What?” Said Kelly. “I
don’t understand you.”
Then Katrina came in and
translated for Kelly.
But it wasn’t important
her noble steed
(and by steed we
mean, of course,
away they went.
So, with Katrina gone,
and Kali totally
wasted, Kelly tried to
think about what to
Just then, A THOUSAND monkeys ran through
the apartment, looking for their leader, the
green one. But, alas, he was off in far away
lands, seeking the treasure hidden in the hills
Kelly crawled down the hallway, pulling her
body inch by inch. It was too much effort to
remember how to walk – she was exhausted
from trying to figure out how to save Felix.
Just then, Melissa burst out of her room,
frantically shouting, “MY SPLEEN! It just
ruptured and my occipital lobe is swelling!”
Kelly, blinded yet again by her tears, offered a
Melissa, slightly dumber due to excessive blood
loss, decided to go with Kelly’s idea. So, while
Kali was passed out on the couch, they
snagged her bottle of vodka and set up the
kitchen for an emergency surgery. She then
removed her spleen.
Just then, as Melissa was stitching herself back
up, Ekofisk ran across her stomach.
“What the...” Melissa exclaimed...
Just then, Bre followed Ekofisk across Melissa’s
stomach. Then, chaos ensued.
Bre was belting out the lyrics to Eye of the Tiger,
and chasing Ekofisk, her pet pony was
neighing in the living room, and Katrina’s
elephant burst though the front door.
So the friends all banded together (Melissa
healed miraculously quickly from her surgery),
and away they want to go save Felix.
They walked, and walked,
and walked, and walked.
Then, they reached the evil
lair of Erin. They all looked
up at the building in fear,
Ekofisk trembling on Bre’s
Kali stumbled up to the door and knocked. And
then started shouting incoherently.
Erin answered the door, excited that American
Idol was on.
Kelly burst into tears yet again when she saw
poor poor Felix taped to the chair.
Erin cackled evilly yet again, MUAH HA HA HA.
Then she coughed. But only twice. Then she
Just then, Bre had to
pee, so Erin let her
come inside to use her
Bre came out looking very disheartened. When
Kelly tried to burst into tears yet again, she
realized she had no more tears left to cry. She
had cried them all already.
“A dolphin attacked me in the tub.” Said Bre.
They all went inside
for a negotiation
Kali was passed out
on the floor, and
Kelly began intense
with Ekofisk as her
Just then, Kali awoke
from her drunken
stupor, jumped up,
and ran out the door,
yelling, “I HAVE TO
CHECK THE MAIL
Erin, trying to be a hospitable, yet evil, host,
offered everyone a vitamin gummy bear.
What the girls didn’t know was that she had
added a secret ingredient to the gummy
Bre secretly had a built up immunity to
nitroglycerin in her lab. “Hahaha, never go in
against me when DEATH is on the line!”
Somehow she was the only one that received a
‘special’ gummy bear. So everyone else was
With that problem solved, Kali returned,
disheartened and slightly less drunk. But still
waaaaay past tipsy.
Erin then laughed again, because she had
converted Ekofisk to the dark side.
Just then, 50 cent burst
through the door,
rapping like mad, yo.
“Go shawty, it’s yo
birthday, We gunna
party like it’s yo
Kelly, no longer tearful,
angrily yelled, “NO
ONE HERE HAS A
BIRTHDAY, GET OUT!”
While Erin, 50 Cent, Bre, and Katrina were all
distracted by Kelly’s outburst (Kali was passed
out on the floor again due to finding some
brandy hidden away in the kitchen), Melissa
snuck up to Felix and tried to untape him.
However, her wound began to bleed and
everyone turned around. She was then rushed
to the hospital and negotiations resumed.
Then, 50 cent decided to leave because he felt
Just then, Britney Spears pulled up, shaved her
head, and her and 50 cent ran off together
into the sunset.
With the two famous people gone, everything
was kind of dull (especially because Kali was
still passed out on the floor. But, somehow her
body had moved from the kitchen to halfway
up the staircase. But that in and of itself is a
WHOLE other story).
“I demand at least fifty pesos and all the
American Idol I can watch.” said Erin.
“Arrangements will be made for that” said Kelly.
“I just want Felix back!”
With Felix safely back in her arms, Kelly wept for
joy (her tear ducts were finally moist again).
They all went back to the apartment and then
Ekofisk refused to be put back in his cage.
“No, you can’t make me.”
“Yes, I talk, you imbeciles” said Ekofisk.
“By the way,” he continued, “I think you left
your very intoxicated friend at the evil lair.”
Then, Katrina burst through the wall on her
elephant, with Kali in tow. There was another
hole in the apartment.
Now, Melissa was back from the hospital, and
the characters that were in the room were:
Kelly, Ekofisk, Bre, Kali, Katrina, Erin, Melissa,
and an unknown homeless man who had
crawled in while everyone was out.
Just then, the homeless
man started to gnaw
on the plug to the
television. Whilst he
was miraculously not
television was not so
lucky. It was shocked
multiple times, and
how that happened,
no one really knows.
So, with the television not working and
American Idol on in five minutes, Kelly had to
make good with her promise for fear of Felix
Alas, she could not fix the television with her hot
pink plastic screwdriver. “This is all your fault,
homeless man!” She yelled at the homeless
Then, the homeless
man tore off his
ripped clothing to
reveal Barack Obama
in a cape. It was kind
of odd how that
it is still quite
mysterious. He was a
really good homeless
“Barack Obama?!” everyone exclaimed!
“Not anymore,” he said, “I am a llama now.”
And with that, he was.
Enraged, with the loss of American Idol and not
knowing how Barack Obama turned into a
llama, Erin grabbed Felix and held him in the
air above her head like a mad woman.
Still enraged, she jumped up and down and yelled
No one was paying attention anymore though.
Bre was spoon feeding herself.
Katrina was petting her elephant named Webster.
Melissa was looking up spleen surgeries and trying
to find out what went awry.
Kelly was crying on the floor again. Felix was taken.
Kali had run out of vodka and moved on to some
Not quite as enraged as before, but still enraged
nonetheless, Erin stomped her foot. Three
whole times. And one half time.
The llama looked about the room quizzically.
“I’m outta here homies” he said. Then he
pranced out of the hole in the wall that
Katrina’s elephant had left earlier.
Erin, more enraged than she had ever been
EVER gripped Felix tighter and yelled, “I’m
gonna do something super drastic right now!”
And so she...