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FANTASTIC CAPTAIN MISTER,[object Object],BY: TOD KREIDER,[object Object]
HIGH ABOVE THE EARTH IN HIS SPACE COMMAND CENTER OF JUSTICE, CAPTAIN MISTER IS INTERRUPTED WHILE PLAYING DIABLO 2 ON NIGHTMARE MODE…,[object Object]
*%&$# what I tell u about bothering me while I’m playin’ my computer games?!?,[object Object],*Ring Ring*,[object Object],ARGH that phone ring is so AVERSIVE! I need to answer it to make the aversive sound go away!,[object Object]
Before:,[object Object],Aversive phone ring,[object Object],Behavior,[object Object],Answer the phone,[object Object],After:,[object Object],No aversive phone ring,[object Object],*%&$# did I tell u to start spoutin’ off escape contingencies?!?,[object Object],*Ring Ring*,[object Object],ARGH!!!,[object Object]
Who callin’ me?!?,[object Object],It’s the President! We need your help Captain Mister!,[object Object],You interrupt my killin’ evil midget dudes on my compy and tell me u need my help? What’s goin’ down?,[object Object],America’s under attack by a plague of Zombie Pirate Ninjas!,[object Object]
Oh snap! The zombies, the pirates AND the ninjas are on the SAME TEAM now?!?,[object Object],No nono … some evil mastermind has combined them all! Will you save us Cap?,[object Object],I’m on my way!,[object Object]
… As soon as I kick out all these naked, passed out groupie babes.,[object Object]
And so Captain Mister heads to NORAD in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice …,[object Object]
Oh snap! I forgot to wear the Ultimate Spacesuit Diaper of Justice!,[object Object],This is gonna get messy …,[object Object]
General, Mister Captain is here to see you, sir!,[object Object],That’s the third time he’s made the aversive sound of my name being used wrong!,[object Object]
Before: ,[object Object],Will hear name said incorrectly soon,[object Object],Behavior: Vaporize the mispronoun-cingdimwit,[object Object],After:,[object Object],Won’t hear name said incorrectly soon,[object Object],That avoidance contingency is brilliant, random NORAD nerd!,[object Object]
ZAP!!!,[object Object]
That’s okay, we didn’t need that dweeb anyway!,[object Object],What happened to your legs?,[object Object],They were too much effort to draw onto my body.,[object Object],Anyway, we heard the zombies were coming out of the ground in Cozumel, Mexico, so we got the satellite feed … check out what we found!,[object Object]
Fantastic Captain Mister
That looks like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition photo shoot, general.,[object Object],You’re darn right it is, LOL!,[object Object]
But seriously, the zombie things are coming out of the ground near Kalamazoo, Michigan. Here are the coordinates.,[object Object],And be quick about it! We’ve got only 12 hours before those zombie things reach D.C.!,[object Object]
Suddenly, Captain Mister breaks out into a chicken dance …,[object Object]
What are you DOING?!? You’re supposed to be saving AMERICA!,[object Object],I have to do the chicken dance before I begin the mission, or else the abominable alien slave-lords of the dream world will enslave me for eternity!,[object Object],Cut out the superstitious behavior and get a move on!,[object Object]
Oh man, I could totally head to Cozumel and party with that SI swimsuit babe with the painted-on swimsuit …,[object Object],… but if I do that, I can’t save America in time!,[object Object]
After:,[object Object],D.C. will be saved and can probably party with random babes,[object Object],SD:,[object Object],(Deadline),[object Object],Before 12 hours is up,[object Object],Behavior:,[object Object],Stop the Zombie Pirate Ninja Plague,[object Object],Before:,[object Object],D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes,[object Object],After:,[object Object],D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes,[object Object],SΔ:,[object Object],After 12 hours is up,[object Object],…GEEZ even swimsuit models know analogs to avoidance of the loss of an opportunity to receive a reinforcer!,[object Object]
If I save the world first, I probably can’t party with the practically naked babe …,[object Object],… but I can probably party with some RANDOM babes after I save America!,[object Object],Partying with random babes sounds WAY riskier!,[object Object],And risky behavior produces lots of adrenaline!,[object Object]
Before:,[object Object],No  increase in reinforcing adrenaline,[object Object],Behavior:,[object Object],Party with random babes,[object Object],After:,[object Object],Increase in reinforcing adrenaline,[object Object],And since I’m such a BAMF and addicted to adrenaline, the random babe party will be WAY more reinforcing than the quasi-swimsuit babe party!,[object Object],Yeah, a basic reinforcement contingency, general!,[object Object]
Captain Mister lands on the ground in Kalamazoo …,[object Object]
*Ring Ring*,[object Object],WTF?!?,[object Object],Oh snap! It’s my mom! THIS CALL COULD TAKE HOURS!,[object Object],If I don’t pick up the phone, she’ll keep calling!,[object Object],But if I pick it up, she’ll do the same thing again later, knowing I’ll pick it up …,[object Object]
Before:,[object Object],Mom calls repeatedly,[object Object],Behavior:,[object Object],Answer mom’s call,[object Object],After:,[object Object],Mom does not call repeatedly,[object Object],Before:,[object Object],Don’t answer mom’s call,[object Object],Behavior:,[object Object],Mom calls repeatedly,[object Object],After:,[object Object],Answer mom’s call,[object Object],Before:,[object Object],Mom calls repeatedly,[object Object], ,[object Object],Before:,[object Object],Answer mom’s call,[object Object], ,[object Object],Before:,[object Object],Don’t answer mom’s call,[object Object], ,[object Object],Before:,[object Object],Mom does not call repeatedly,[object Object], ,[object Object],Whoa, even random skyscraper-residing Kala-bamans know the Sick Social Cycle!,[object Object]
Hi ma …,[object Object],WELL it’s about TIME someone answered the darned phone! I was just telling Charlene here how I thought I whooped better contingency control into you than to let your dear old ma …,[object Object],Ma, I’m kinda busy … can we talk later?,[object Object],OH, I see! Too busy with your skank hoes to talk to your dear old ma! Boy I oughta …,[object Object],*BEEP*,[object Object],*Phew* Now where are those zombies?,[object Object]
Oh snap! They’re coming out of the ground by that evil looking castle place and OH GOD THEY’VE GOT NUMBCHUCKS!,[object Object],ヌンチャク!,[object Object],… and they’ve spotted me with their keen ninja senses!,[object Object],Time to put to use my Street Fighter skills!,[object Object]
HADOUKEN!!!,[object Object]
Whoa, wassuphott police officer babes! Is there a problem?,[object Object],We were just wondering how you did that sexy fireball thing with your hands!,[object Object]
Oh that’s easy!,[object Object],            + P,[object Object],???,[object Object],Anyway, now to find out what’s in that hole!,[object Object]
And so, ignoring any possible innuendos, the Cap begins probing the hole …,[object Object]
Hey it’s a big laboratory and OH GOD IT’S DR. MALOTT THE EVIL BEHAVIORAL SCIENTIST OF DOOM!!!,[object Object],Yeah, you landed right in my trap, just like I planned! NO ONE outsmarts Uncle Dickie!,[object Object],Rats! How did I not see! You’ve unleashed your behavioral zombie grad students on the earth after teaching them ninjutsu!,[object Object]
You’re smarter than you look! Yeah, I tried for years to save the world throughbehavior analysis, but after a while I came to realize it’s not gonnahappen …,[object Object],… so I took my coolest grad students, taught them the fine art of piracy, then transformed them into zombies before teaching them ninjutsu! ,[object Object],WAY more scary than an army of rats.,[object Object]
You’ll never get away with this Dr. Malott!,[object Object],Whatever, man, the only thing that can stop the zombie plague is this Zombie Retrovirus Granola I cooked up and placed within easy reach of you!,[object Object]
*SNATCH*,[object Object],Whoa! I didn’t expect that …,[object Object]
Stick THAT in your dipper Uncle Dickie!,[object Object]
And so the Cap hops in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice and sprinkles the Zombie Retrovirus Granola into the atmosphere…,[object Object]
Nobody’s cleaned up this mess yet?!?,[object Object]
Wassup, President Norris!,[object Object],You’ve saved America, Cap!,[object Object],I mean I totally could have roundhouse kicked all those zombie things myself …,[object Object],… but I’m the mutha%&*#$@ President! I let little midget superheroes do it for me!,[object Object]
Anyway, how can we ever repay you Cap?,[object Object],Well …,[object Object],… there is this photo shoot in Cozumel …,[object Object]
FIN,[object Object]

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Fantastic Captain Mister

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