IntroductionYourself and emotions …A very important subject in a boy’s life, written in a series of booklets by Dr. Adel Halim,who majored in this kind of marital and nurturing studies, on a scientific, an educationaland a church basis in a constructive spiritual way that our teens have taken comfortand made use of.Dr. Adel has thought that the publishing of these studies in a series of booklets to makeeasier to read and obtain...The author deals with the following subjects in the series: 1. Young Emotions 2. Love is Life 3. Colors of Love 4. You and the other sex 5. Emotion and Attraction 6. Emotion and Friendship 7. Friendship between opposite sexes 8. Positive Emotions 9. Sanction of Emotions 10. Mind or Heart? 11. Emotion and Commitment 12. Emotional intelligenceI hope for the blessing of the author and reader of this book with the prayers of his holyPope Shenouda the third and God’s blessing be with us all. Bishop Moussa
The concept of friendship in generalFriendship is a tight bound relationship between two people, with common intellectualdirections. It’s a relationship packed with understanding and mutual trust, honestywithout faking ….each one of them accepts the other as he is with his flaws andbenefits. Also their difference in opinions makes them special, this way each canperfect the other …When they become closer friends and trust between them growseach one becomes the others’ chamber of secrets.Friendship often starts between two people’ but it’s not limited to them but it grows andopens to others to include a group of friends have similar minds connecting them amutual lifestyle, like a group of young men attached to one church and living togetherthe life of sharing.Between friends and colleaguesA colleague is a person that you’re related to by similar circumstances like study orwork, or a common goal, and this relationship might end if the circumstances changeor this goal is lost. However a friend is a person that is close to you.. Friendship goesbeyond outer circumstances.. Friendship is a lot deeper and more sustaining than arelationship between two colleagues because a person look at his friend as animportant individual while looks at his colleague through the circumstances that bringthem together, therefore a colleague is replaceable with another colleague whereas afriend is hard to dispense because he is unique and exceptional no one can fill hisspace. Circumstances are what lead to spending time with a colleague whereasfriendship is based on a personal decision, we choose our own friends with no hurry andit might take a few sacrifices to keep a friend.Whatever applies to your colleagues and friends is the same whether they’re of thesame sex or a different one, where we find a man and a woman are colleagues atschool or at work, and find them friends trusting each other however there must not bea worthless love relationship between them as long as they’re both mature adults with aclear purpose in their lives.
How is Friendship constructive??A very important question …. There is the kind of friendship that supplements andenriches me, assists in developing my personality and there is the kind of friendship thatconducts me towards negative behavior learning of bad habits and damages mypersonality’s mature growth. Of course this depends on the type of friend you make.There’s a friend who builds my personality through respecting my point of view, givingme space to express my views and respects my privacy…And then there’s a friend trying to control me, oppressing my opinions, invading myprivacy, tempting me into sinful and wicked behavior that will affect my life and myfuture, ruin my spiritual life and pulls me away from an eternal life I’ve always looked upto, where I can share life with God.Then it is essential to be selective when choose a friend, instead of being carried awayin an emotional current… A young man might be attracted towards a dominantcontrolling personality and he may prefer to follow this personality, look up to it whichtakes away his independence weakens his personality making him an unoriginal copy!He may even take on some qualities from this person as if he were wearing some oneelse’s clothes that don’t fit properly with his body shape, which makes him loose hissense of individuality. This way friendship to some could be a reason for misery whereasFriendship in its true meaning is a blessing, it helps build the mind and emotion, maturingof the personality and improve social relations.Be yourself!!“I want to live my character!” It’s the scream within each one of us wishing to achievethe great humane unique picture that God put the seed of in us... and to achieve thathe has to pursue developing it day by day vowing to be patient and caring.“Comparison” with others almost always obstructs the growth of the personality: “I wish Iwas as stylish as that man!” or “I wish as graceful as that lady!” or “Why can’t I havefinancial abilities like my colleague?!”Comparison may push me towards putting more effort, not to be like the other but toevolve myself into a better person keeping my original self to be “myself” not some oneelse. I desire to be better than just a copy of other people without making other peoplea research for me to move along their paths.
What makes friendship between opposite sex special?1.Sexual Attraction:Friendship between opposite sexes is different than between the same sex, we shouldnot forget that sex represents an important part of our human essence… And becausehumans are of 2 genders, male and female, there is a natural sexual attraction fromboth the man and the woman towards each other, this attraction leads to twopurposes:1.General purpose: which is achieving intimacy between the two genders which assistsin intimacy between the two genders which contributes in psychological growth andsocial maturing for both the boy and girl, where they both feel a kind of perfectionwhen they se a new face that shares being a human yet differs at some features.. Andwhen they deal, they’ll discover that the other has characteristics that are missing fromtheir personality, as well as being projected to situations where the personality isstrengthened and accomplish a kind of psychological balance.A woman sees in a man a kind of courage, confrontation, determination, serial thinking,planning, caring about social and political matters, finds protection and shivery (thesecharacteristics are neither specific to the man alone nor to the woman alone, but existsin one more than the other and there are exceptions).However, a man finds in a woman sensitivity, emotion, tenderness and deep care ofhuman needs, patience, endurance and soft emotions… This way each of them isenriched with traits from the other through pure discussion and a healthy heart.2. Personal purpose: which is through natural attraction towards the opposite sex, it ispreparing for the future to make a personal connection, which is the connection ofmarriage, when the right circumstances happen in order t make a life-changingdecision which is marriage.Here we are in front of two notifications:Friendship between the two sexes is different than friendship between the same sex… Aman doesn’t look at a girl the same way he looks at a man like him, and the opposite isalso true, since each of them sees the other as a different person and each person feelsa natural attraction towards the other.
It was found by experience and practice that attraction towards the other sex is goingin the right direction as long as the relationship between the boy and girl is away fromprivacies, in order to achieve the general goal of sexual attraction, which is making akind of perfection between the two sexes, which needs personality matures.A bigger role for emotions: Special Male Perfection Special Female Characteristics Characteristics + Natural Sexual Attraction Natural Sexual Magnetism Magnetism +Emotions of Support Emotions ofyoung man young lady Healthy Friendship between two sexesSexual Magnetism is connected deeply to emotions, it makes emotions between thetwo sexes more active and intense than emotions towards some one of the same sex,therefore friendship between the two sexes has an emotional nature whether they wantto or not.As long as emotion has it’s own character between the two sexes, friendship betweena boy and a girl is more likely to turn into increased attention and attachment, whichthe youth usually call “Love” but it is actually a series of feelings and sentiments thathaven’t matured yet and in which the will to possess overcomes the will to care for theother…
What the movies show as “Love” is in reality a case of emotional stress in which one triesto get from the “other” a cure for their psychological hunger, where each receives inthe presence of the other a feeling of comfortable emotional feeling or a physicalfullness in way or the other.The feeling of comfort in the presence of the other is not wrong, it’s a gentle humanefeeling… But this feeling should not push me towards trying to have the “other” as asource of regular relief, because in that I would have just turned them into a comfortingdevice!Then why don’t I have that feeling, so that I don’t limit to this one person, so that I’dallow my emotional self to mature, then these feelings would turn into real maturestable love??3. More conservation:A girl cannot be sincere to a boy at every detail of her life like she is with another girlfriend, because there are certain things that she knows a boy wouldn’t comprehendand the opposite is also true…That’s why friendship between the two sexes contains an amount of conservation, inaddition to that this friendship could have some mystery and fear. “Mystery” is due tothe feeling of each that the “other” is a riddle that still has some unrevealed secrets,which generates a type of “fear” of dealing with the other with complete freedom,which is a fear of being lost in the other’s world that we may look at as we look onto theunknown.We find in friendship between the two sexes a conflict… there’s a desire to deal withthe other gender moved by sexual magnetism yet at the same time there’s the fear ofthe unknown and tension, that’s why a mixed feeling of desire and fear is generated,desired and feared at the same time…From here a feeling of predicting weakness in front of the opposite sex is created,therefore spontaneous conservation appears in friendships between the oppositesexes… maybe that prediction of weakness comes as a result of the way a person wasraised which ruins the reputation of the other sex making of it a source of temptationand bad behavior, which may make their friendship feel like a sin.4. Simplicity of special attachment:As long as dealing between the two sexes contains a special flavor of sexual attraction(resulting from the sexual magnetism and the desire to achieve perfection) and with abigger role for emotions, these factors make friendship between the two sexes is
subjected to enter an uncomfortable phase, which may result into a “romantic love”where there’s chemistry and very busy thinking about them to a degree that someyouth get sleepless nights (insomnia)or loss of appetite or distracted easily where ourloved one gets all the attention, in this case it’s called infatuation, which is an emotionalexperience that some youth go through and ends quickly. This kind of emotionalattachment may not last very long because it results from an emotional mood swingwhich is on its way to mature. Emotional Mood SwingsIt’s often noticed that emotion hides behind relationships between the two sexes in allaspects of social interactions, whether it’s at college work or church… This needs theinteractions between them to be simple and spontaneous so that it’s possible for someone to be enough emotionally matured and a well-balanced personality so that hedoesn’t stumble in relationships later on… Most of the time relationships seem serious atfirst but then some juvenile directions are revealed and some one may be hesitantabout their emotions moving from one person to the other and from one emotionalattachment to the other…Let’s listen to what this young man says:“I’m a student at the doors of college, my problem is I’m unstable emotionally. I’m verysociable and I love making new friends, in addition I do get into many emotionalrelationships with girls… I just meet a girl and directly start to be fascinated by her and alove story starts inside of me and it happens repeatedly, the circle never ends. Is mybehavior temporary? Is my fascination with the other sex wrong to begin with?And to this young man we say: This phase that you’re going through now is a phase presocial and emotional maturing. It’s a phase characterized by emotional instability andhaving unsettled social relationships, especially those involving the opposite sex.Sometimes the person is very social and others he’s very isolated, but the important partis knowing how to point your emotions towards maturing and settling down.You like being involved in social relationships and you would love to have many friendswhich is good… And because there’s sexual strength at this age you always tend todeal more with the opposite sex, which is also good…But why do you have the intentions of creating your relationships with the other sexrelating to what happens in the movies??And why can’t we deal with the other sex without having the thought of marriage in ourheads, as long as we’re still too young to get involved in an emotional relationship thatneeds emotional, social, spiritual and financial maturing?? Why can’t we have a
relationship with the other sex based on good intentions and a pure heart, throughserious constructive activities under the title of the church, social life…etcInteracting between the two genders can be useful to achieving psychologicalbalance and constructing a perfected personality, if that happens in a respectedsocial way and contains a humane and Christian feel to it. However it could bedestructive to one’s personality maturing if it happens in the picture of juvenileemotional adventures!!!Commenting on previous questions:Dear Brother: We recommend you to not focus on one specific girl, try to make yourmeetings in groups. About your question: Is what I’m doing now temporary? Is it normalnatural behavior? What you’re doing actually isn’t a normal natural temporary feeling,otherwise boys would do like you do then their relationship grows as time passes, butthe opposite is true. These repeated emotional attachments could intensify andincrease in aggressiveness as time passes, as the boy’s heart fills with desire to show offhis strengths, abilities and heroic actions in that field. And of course the same applies tothe girls.To sum up: Hesitation at the time before maturing is natural, but for a boy or a girl to letthemselves get loose into having multiple pointless juvenile relationships it’s a perversionof emotions and an insult to love…And from here we are suppose to rise with emotions and have sexual attraction throughculture sports and earning experience through constructive and useful interaction withothers, also gain a simple innocent look onto the other sex. This last one is a naturalresult for a spiritual life and a real relationship with God, where emotions turn into love,love that does not ask for what is for itself.Two kinds of attraction:Being attracted to others is not wrong, but the way of attraction may be negative orpositive, whether with the same or the opposite sex.A student may be attracted to her college professor, she finds his way of thinkinglogical, his talk interesting and from here she tries to obtain these characteristics into herlife in a positive way, this way her attraction becomes a positive attraction,constructive, useful and has the ability to change someone’s attitude as much as thatperson is willing to change.Also an attraction may turn into a desire to possess, she wishes she had a husband andkeeps on dreaming… This is a negative attraction. The moral then is in the way ofattraction.
As mentioned before friendship between the two sexes has to include mutual respect,a pure look to the other sex, being realistic and staying away from day dreams.However if both people are mature and well prepared for marriage then interactionbetween them will take another practical direction, following into blessed steps towardsa sacred marital life together.