Narcissistic personality disorder


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Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

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Narcissistic personality disorder

  1. 1. NNaarrcciissssiissttiicc ppeerrssoonnaalliittyy ddiissoorrddeerr Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school. Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
  2. 2. NNaarrcciissssiissttiicc ppeerrssoonnaalliittyy ddiissoorrddeerr Symptoms Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behaviour, which is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include: • Believing that you're better than others • Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness • Exaggerating your achievements or talents • Expecting constant praise and admiration • Believing that you're special and acting accordingly • Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings • Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans • Taking advantage of others • Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior • Being jealous of others • Believing that others are jealous of you • Trouble keeping healthy relationships • Setting unrealistic goals • Being easily hurt and rejected • Having a fragile self-esteem • Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
  3. 3. Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others. When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance. But underneath all this behaviour often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.
  4. 4. Tests and diagnosis Narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed based on signs and symptoms, as well as a thorough psychological evaluation that may include filling out questionnaires. Although there's no laboratory test to diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, you may also have a physical exam to make sure you don't have a physical problem causing your symptoms. Some features of narcissistic personality disorder are similar to those of other personality disorders. It's possible to be diagnosed with more than one personality disorder at the same time. To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, you must meet criteria spelled out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association and is used by mental health providers to diagnose mental conditions and by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment. Criteria for narcissistic personality disorder to be diagnosed include: • Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance • Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power or beauty • Believing that you are special and can associate only with equally special people • Requiring constant admiration • Having a sense of entitlement • Taking advantage of others • Having an inability to recognize needs and feelings of others • Being envious of others • Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
  5. 5. When to see a doctor When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may not want to think that anything could be wrong — doing so wouldn't fit with your self-image of power and perfection. But by definition, a narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of your life, such as relationships, work, school or your financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and confused by a mix of seemingly contradictory emotions. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling. If you notice any of these problems in your life, consider reaching out to a trusted doctor or mental health provider. Getting the right treatment can help make your life more rewarding and enjoyable. Causes It's not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with other mental disorders, the cause is likely complex. The cause may be linked to a dysfunctional childhood, such as excessive pampering, extremely high expectations, abuse or neglect. It's also possible that genetics or psychobiology — the connection between the brain and behaviour and thinking — plays a role in the development of narcissistic personality disorder.
  6. 6. Prevention Because the cause of narcissistic personality disorder is unknown, there's no known way to prevent the condition with any certainty. Getting treatment as soon as possible for childhood mental health problems may help. Family therapy may help families learn healthy ways to communicate or to cope with conflicts or emotional distress. Parents with personality disorders may benefit from parenting classes and guidance from therapists or social workers. Risk factors Narcissistic personality disorder is rare. It affects more men than women. Narcissistic personality disorder often begins in early adulthood. Although some adolescents may seem to have traits of narcissism, this may simply be typical of the age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder. Although the cause of narcissistic personality disorder isn't known, some researchers think that extreme parenting behaviours, such as neglect or excessive indulgent praise, may be partially responsible. Risk factors for narcissistic personality disorder may include: • Parental disdain for fears and needs expressed during childhood • Lack of affection and praise during childhood • Neglect and emotional abuse in childhood • Excessive praise and over- indulgence • Unpredictable or unreliable care giving from parents • Learning manipulative behaviours from parents Children who learn from their parents that vulnerability is unacceptable may lose their ability to empathize with others' needs. They may also mask their emotional needs with grandiose, egotistical behaviour that's calculated to make them seem emotionally "bulletproof."
  7. 7. Complications Complications of narcissistic personality disorder can include: • Substance abuse • Alcohol abuse • Depression • Suicidal thoughts or behaviour • Relationship difficulties • Problems at work or school Preparing for your appointment People with narcissistic personality disorder are most likely to seek treatment when they develop symptoms of depression — often because of perceived criticisms or rejections. If you recognize that aspects of your personality are common to narcissistic personality disorder or you're feeling overwhelmed by sadness, talk with your doctor. Whatever your diagnosis, your symptoms signal a need for medical care. When you call to make an appointment, your doctor may immediately refer you to a mental health provider, such as a psychiatrist. Use the information below to prepare for your first appointment and learn what to expect from the mental health provider. What you can do • Write down any symptoms you're experiencing and for how long. It will help the mental health provider to know what kinds of events are likely to make you feel angry or defeated. • Write down key personal information, including traumatic events in your past and any current, major stressors. • Make a list of your medical information, including other physical or mental health conditions with which you've been diagnosed. Also write down the names of any medications or supplements you're taking. • Take a family member or friend along, if possible. Someone who has known you for a long time may be able to ask questions or share information with the mental health provider that you don't mention. • Write down questions to ask your mental health provider in advance so that you can make the most of your appointment.
  8. 8. For narcissistic personality disorder, some basic questions to ask your mental health provider include: • What exactly is narcissistic personality disorder? • Could I have different mental health conditions? • What is the goal of treatment in my case? • What treatments are most likely to be effective for me? • How much do you expect my quality of life may improve with treatment? • How frequently will I need therapy sessions and for how long? • Would family or group therapy be helpful in my case? • Are there medications that can help? • I have these other health conditions. How can I best manage them together? • Are there any brochures or other printed material that I can take home with me? What websites do you recommend visiting? In addition to the questions that you've prepared to ask your mental health provider, don't hesitate to ask any additional questions that may come up during your appointment. What to expect from your mental health provider The mental health provider is likely to ask you a number of questions to gain an understanding of your symptoms and how they're affecting your life. The mental health provider may ask: • What are your symptoms? • When do these symptoms occur, and how long do they last? • How do you feel — and act — when others seem to criticize or reject you? • Do you have any close personal relationships? If not, how do you explain that lack? • What are your accomplishments? • What do you plan to accomplish in the future? • How do you feel when someone needs your help? • How do you feel when someone expresses difficult feelings, such as fear or sadness, to you?
  9. 9. • How would you describe your childhood, including your relationship with your parents? • How would you say your symptoms are affecting your life, including school, work and personal relationships? • Have any of your close relatives been diagnosed with a mental health problem, including a personality disorder? • Have you been treated for any other mental health problems? If yes, what treatments were most effective? • Do you use alcohol or illegal drugs? How often? • Are you currently being treated for any other medical conditions? Treatments and drugs Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy. There are no medications specifically used to treat narcissistic personality disorder. However, if you have symptoms of depression, anxiety or other conditions, medications such as antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications may be helpful. Types of therapy that may be helpful for narcissistic personality disorder include: • Cognitive behavioural therapy. In general, cognitive behavioural therapy helps you identify unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviours and replace them with healthy, positive ones.
  10. 10. • Family therapy. Family therapy typically brings the whole family together in therapy sessions. You and your family explore conflicts, communication and problem solving to help cope with relationship problems. • Group therapy. Group therapy, in which you meet with a group of people with similar conditions, may be helpful by teaching you to relate better with others. This may be a good way to learn about truly listening to others, learning about their feelings and offering support. Because personality traits can be difficult to change, therapy may take several years. The short-term goal of psychotherapy for narcissistic personality disorder is to address such issues as substance abuse, depression, low self-esteem or shame. The long-term goal is to reshape your personality, at least to some degree, so that you can change patterns of thinking that distort your self-image and create a realistic self-image. Psychotherapy can also help you learn to relate better with others so that your relationships are more intimate, enjoyable and rewarding. It can help you understand the causes of your emotions and what drives you to compete, to distrust others, and perhaps to despise yourself and others. Lifestyle and home remedies Whether you decide to seek treatment on your own or are encouraged by loved ones or a concerned employer, you may feel defensive about treatment or think it's unnecessary. The nature of narcissistic personality disorder can also leave you feeling that the therapy or the therapist is not worth your time and attention, and you may be
  11. 11. tempted to quit. Try to keep an open mind, though, and to focus on the rewards of treatment. Also, it's important to: • Stick to your treatment plan. Attend scheduled therapy sessions and take any medications as directed. Remember that it can be hard work and that you may have occasional setbacks. • Learn about it. Educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder so that you can better understand symptoms, risk factors and treatments. • Get treatment for substance abuse or other mental health problems. Your addictions, depression, anxiety and stress can feed off each other, leading to a cycle of emotional pain and unhealthy behaviour. • Learn relaxation and stress management. Try such stress-reduction techniques as meditation, yoga or tai chi. These can be soothing and calming. • Stay focused on your goal. Recovery from narcissistic personality disorder can take time. Keep motivated by keeping your recovery goals in mind and reminding yourself that you can work to repair damaged relationships and become happier with your life. Sources
  12. 12. Narcissistic Relationships Narcissistic Relationships bring with them huge risks to the partner of the narcissist because their behaviour is a manifestation of an excessive ego and self absorption at the cost of everyone around them. Over the years, if this behaviour doesn't change, it generally results in a codependent, emotionally draining and abusive relationship. Narcissistic Relationships will require lots of energy and work, because narcissists are in constant need for outside support and approval. Once these needs are fulfilled they feel powerful, but many times this need will be very hard to be satisfied and the self image and the peace of the partner may be dramatically impacted. Narcissistic Relationships test the mental limits of their partners patience, and individuals in a relationship with a narcissist feel something is not 'quite right', feel a lack of emotional connection and most eventually realize it's wise to seek answers to the unsettling experience of their day to day contact with a narcissist. However, it's important for you to know that you do not have to be the victim of narcissism forever. You don't have to lose your confidence, self image, hope and passion for life because you are in a relationship with a narcissist. You can learn the skills to move beyond the downside effects of your narcissistic relationship and move on to a more normal relationship. The first step is to recognise the signs. Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self-importance, like they have a special mission on this earth and they often have a 'I am the emperor' type of personality, and they expect all others should behave as humble servants of their wishes. They always exaggerate their achievements and talents making everything in their power to gain everybody's attention and recognition. Most of the times they are arrogant and self absorbed to fulfill what they see as their special destiny.
  13. 13. Narcissists will indulge in fantasies of tremendous power, success or beauty, being addicted to the attention and admiration that others manifest. You will find much snobbery between them which they do not deny it but rather be proud of it. They see themselves as unique masterpieces. Complicated rather than complex personalities, they will find it difficult to empathize with other people. They can't actually go out of the margins of their own personality, not understanding how people don't think the same as they do. That's why many times you may have the feeling of talking to a blank wall because no matter how deep you explain your point of view, most likely a narcissist will not understand. They often can't maintain long relationships, because they lack empathy and most times people around them give up on explaining themselves over and over again. Narcissists tend to transform their partners in beggars - you will beg for understanding and some unconditional attention but most of the time you will celebrate only leftovers from the feast in which the narcissist has indulged. Narcissists expect and demand that the ones nearest and dearest to them, love, admire, tolerate, and cater to their needs. They expect others to be at their immediate disposal. Here are the seven most common signs of narcissism. 1. He or she displays a lack of empathy. As you spend more time investing in a narcissist, you may notice that he / she seems unable to put him / herself in someone else's place emotionally. This often leads to callous and self serving behaviours. Sometimes dangerous behaviours. 2. A narcissistic personality will often show a willingness to exploit other people. You may well see they have few qualms about stepping on other people if it benefits him / her. 3. Idealized thinking is a prevalent theme. A narcissistic might put others, including you, on a pedestal, only to completely discard or describe you as worthless further down the track. He or she often fantasizes about the perfect love, beauty, or power, and feels he / she has a right to it. 4. Having a grandiose sense of self worth is a very common pattern. Your narcissist might exaggerate his or her accomplishments and expect to associate with other 'high level' people. This most often leads to feelings of superiority, a haughty attitude and / or excessive expectations.
  14. 14. 5. A narcissistic personality often will exhibit an excessive sense of entitlement. He or she may feel as if preferential treatment ought to come her / his way as of right. 6. A narcissist will most often will crave admiration and praise to the point that it becomes almost like a drug. This drug has been termed 'narcissistic supply' and the narcissist most often goes to excessive lengths to obtain it. 7. He or she often may be very jealous of the accomplishments of others, They may even become angry at the successes of others who then take the focus away from her or him. Narcissistic Relationships - You Must Protect Yourself! This is your first priority if you have a narcissistic partner. If you're in a narcissistic relationship it's essential that you protect yourself, from many areas that you will be under attack. Some of these types of abuse are: Emotional Abuse: The verbally abusive and controlling narcissist - the one who uses emotional abuse as his weapon of choice. He tells his victim who she can see, think and do. Or in the case of Janet, whose husband makes her recite every day, "I'm only worth 29 cents - the price of a bullet," and in doing so he erodes her self-worth to nothing to keep her under his control. Who else could possible want such a worthless woman? With that belief formed, she will never leave him for good, although she makes many brief attempts to do so. The brainwashing that continues daily is emotionally exhausting, draining, and vastly unhealthy. Verbal Abuse: Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her / her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner. Verbal abuse is often insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it's happening. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behaviour so as not to upset the abuser.
  15. 15. Sexual Abuse: Normally a narcissist stays within the law, but may break the rules of morality of a society. Narcissist are careful about it because, even if they do not feel guilty, they want to avoid the shame of discovery. The sexual relationship with the narcissist is peculiar. Narcissists are exhibitionists and sex is just one further means of being admired to her or him. True intimacy doesn't and you will frequently feel used. The narcissist will demand that you subdue yourself to their wishes. Physical Abuse: Narcissistic individuals do not tend to be physically abusive although there are some out there that are. Their worst weapon is their mouth. With their mouth they spit verbal negations and dispense emotional abuse. Their vocal cords are their method of attempting to control others. Narcissistic Relationships Can Be Improved. (But it will take detailed knowledge and considerable effort.) Since narcissists cannot be changed, you need to reevaluate your needs and long term goals for the relationship - it may be interesting for a while to be around such type of people but in the long run it gets exhausting and anger and resentment will overshadow any feelings of love and tenderness. Don't give in to their never-ending demands, keep your independence from this type of person - if in any way you depend on them, they will blackmail you to make you give in to their desires. Don't let yourself be infuriated by their lack of empathy or understanding - they are not capable of it. Showing them their incapacity will do nothing - they will blame you for everything that it doesn't work. Narcissists will be attached to those that satisfy their needs but will never treat them as partners but as followers. They have the need to lead and be in control constantly - they do not need equals but disciples or pleasers. The worst thing that can happen is when one narcissist meets someone with low self-esteem - it will be the perfect victim and toy for them.
  16. 16. Finally, you need to decide when enough is enough. A relationship with a narcissist can take you places where you do not want to be, can make you behave in ways you do not recognize yourself . It can undermine your self esteem and will rob you of the attention you need to give to yourself trying to meet all their needs. Arm Yourself Now With Detailed Information. Detailed knowledge can help you so you never are involved, ever again, in a continuing toxic relationship. I hope the brief information above has helped you and that it prompts you to go on now to get the detailed information that will insure that your relationship moves quickly in a more positive direction. I wish you every success and lasting happiness. Experts Recommend: All the experienced experts in preventing narcissistic abuse make two vital recommendations: 1) If at all possible, walk away (leave) your narcissistic abuser. 2) If that's not possible due to constraints of your employment, wider family, children or love, you must, repeat must, take advantage of the support and resources available to learn how to deal with a narcissist, and in doing so discover how to protect yourself from ongoing emotional, mental and sometimes physical harm. Please take action TODAY to protect yourself!
  17. 17. How to Cope with a Narcissist? Give up on your “relationship” with the narcissist and maintain a “no contact” policy. If you choose to stay with him either give him a taste of his own medicine by reflecting his misbehaviour – or provide him with narcissistic supply (attention and adulation). No one should feel responsible for the narcissist's predicament. To him, others hardly exist – so enmeshed he is in himself and in the resulting misery of this very self- preoccupation. Others are objects on which he projects his wrath, rage, suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, ill disguised violence. How should his closest, nearest and dearest cope with his eccentric vagaries? The short answer is by abandoning him. Alternatively, you can try by threatening to abandon him. The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will ditch you"). In some cases it may be sufficient to confront the narcissist, to completely ignore him, to insist on respect for one's boundaries and wishes, or to shout back at him. The narcissist takes these signs of personal autonomy to be harbinger of impending separation and reacts with anxiety. The narcissist might be tamed by the very same weapons that he uses to subjugate others. The spectre of being abandoned looms large over everything else. In the narcissist's mind, every discordant note presages solitude and the resulting confrontation with his self.
  18. 18. The narcissist is a person who is irreparably traumatized by the behaviour of the most important people in his life: his parents, role models, or peers. By being capricious, arbitrary, and sadistically judgmental, they moulded him into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to recreate the trauma in order to, this time around, resolve it (repetition complex). Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his freedom depends upon re-enacting these early experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same traumas over and over again, the narcissist distances himself by using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent.
  19. 19. This behaviour brings about the very consequence that the narcissist so fears - abandonment. But, this way, at least, the narcissist is able to tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who fostered the separation, that it was fully his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice. The dismal future of his relationships is preordained. The narcissist is a binary person: the carrot is the stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place. In this paradox lies the key to coping with the narcissist. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem eerie. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behaviour. Mirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level – because that's the only way to penetrate his thick defences. Faced with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils. Source: st.html This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" We must not forget that the narcissist behaves the way he does in order to engender and encourage abandonment. When mirrored, the narcissist dreads imminent and impending desertion, which is the inevitable result of his actions and words. This prospect so terrifies him – that it induces in him an incredible alteration of conduct. He instantly succumbs and obsequiously tries to make amends, moving from one (cold and bitter, cynical and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to another (warm, even loving, fuzzy, engulfing, emotional, maudlin, and saccharine).
  20. 20. The other coping strategy is to give up on him. Dump him and go about reconstructing your own life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to life with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces people around him to insecure nervous wrecks. Who deserves such a sacrifice? No one, to my mind, not even the most brilliant, charming, breathtaking, suave narcissist. The glamour and trickery wear thin and underneath them a monster lurks which irreversibly and adversely influences the lives of those around it for the worse. Narcissists are incorrigibly and notoriously difficult to change. Thus, trying to "modify" them is doomed to failure. You should either accept them as they are or avoid them altogether. If one accepts the narcissist as he is – one should cater to his needs. His needs are part of what he is. Would you have ignored a physical handicap? Would you not have assisted a quadriplegic? The narcissist is an emotional cripple. He needs constant adulation. He cannot help it. So, if one chooses to accept him – it is a package deal, all his needs included.
  21. 21. TWENTY TRAITS OF MALIGNANT NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER 1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment. Defence Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies. 2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim. Defence Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally. 3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever- changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler- dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom. Defence Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies 4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support. Defence Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own. 5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection. Defence Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess, let him clean it up. 6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse
  22. 22. control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others. Defence Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters. 7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing. Defence Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out. 8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over- indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise. Defence Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No. 9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double- dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armour" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy. Defence Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator. 10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can. 11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerable. Defence Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.
  23. 23. 12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so. Defence Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Violence is possible. 13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak. Defence Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them. 14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark. Defence Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No. 15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment. Defence Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence. 16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands centre stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home. Defence Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems. 17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. Defence Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals. 18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals.
  24. 24. Defence Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you. 19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning. Defence Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others. 20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives. Defence Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal past abusive behaviour to remind yourself. Join our support group. Enjoy life free of the Narcissist!! © Author: femfree 2001