It Probably Wont Kill You Scribd...


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Family secrets and dubious helpful hints passed down throughout the centuries.

A blend of flavours from the South and Southwest, which will appeal to the non-health conscious, twisted, and slightly cannibalistic.

Remember, I only said they probably won\'t kill you, but I offer no guarantee...

This twisted cooked features sordid and hilarious descriptions for making classics such as carne asada, pulled pork, fried chicken, buttermilk biscuits, cornbread dressing, rolls, bacon-wrapped hot dogs, horchata, enchiladas, pumpkin and pecan pies, chocolate delight, divinity, peach or apple cobbler, peanut butter and sugar cookies, and more.

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It Probably Wont Kill You Scribd...

  1. 1. It Probably Won't Kill You... By  Iyan Igma (With a Little Help from Mommy) RecIPes for suicidal and less sophisticated palates
  2. 2. Copyright 2009 by Iyan Igma 1st Edition, Paperback ISBN: 1441476563 EAN-13: 9781441476562 Published by CreateSpace, an Amazon Company. The text of this work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. To view a copy of this license, visit­nc­nd/3.0/us/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA. In a nutshell, you are allowed to make copies and distribute it as long as it is not altered or done for commercial use, and as long as you give me credit. Consult the license for further details. All images are either public domain or shared under Creative Commons Licenses, see “Credits” for more details. Please note that this is a work of fiction. Any similarities to actual recipes or food is entirely coincidental, unless otherwise noted. Iyan Igma can be contacted through one of the following ways: ● ● ●
  3. 3. Dedicated to Peanut Butter, for helping me make it through all of those chicken- filled years. Without you, I do not know where I would be. Special Acknowledgments: My mom, who cooked for me, let me tinker in the kitchen from an early age, and passed most of the recipes down to me. My Great-Granny, the best chef to ever walk on two legs and beat kids out of a kitchen with a wooden spoon. My how she could make wonders out of lard and bacon grease! The various photographers credited at the end who have enabled me to post such warm and fuzzy pictures. I no longer make these recipes because my diet has changed. I don't even have a stove anymore.
  4. 4. Slap Yore Mamma Good The sexiest woman I e'er saw Could cook just like my great-grandma. Her biscuits were so flaky and round That I ate butter by the pound. 5 Her steaks, pork chops, gravy, collard greens, Pot roasts, pies, cobblers, lima beans, Mashed potatoes, field peas, and cornbread Are worth slapping yore momma dead Over if she reached for the last bite. 10 A good supper's heaven at night. Since I knew that there'd be no neglect, This culinarily perfect Gal easily won my stomach's love. It's a shame I can just dream of 15 Finding a young woman with such skills— Whose cooking neither maims nor kills. Show me a woman my age who cooks And frets not over plastic looks. As I thought, she's nowhere to be found, 20 And so true love won't be around. High and vain grapes surely lose the fox; Love's recipe is not on a box. Such savages can't access the heart; Thus marriage is doomed from the start, 25 Since the stomach is the route to take If a man's love you wish to wake. From The Dementia of Iyan Igma.
  5. 5. Iyan Igma Table of Contents Appetizers.........................................................................8 Alligator-Style Carne Asada............................................10 Fireball........................................................................12 Pulled Pork Barrel Politicians..........................................14 Necrophilic Rhapsody....................................................17 Hobo Dinners...............................................................20 Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!................................................21 Thanksgiving Dinner.....................................................24 Cosa Nostra Pork Chops................................................26 Grandma Burgers.........................................................28 That's Not Cornbread....................................................30 SSI.............................................................................32 Diabetic Coma-Inducing Rice Milk...................................34 First Date Fried Chicken.................................................36 Low-Cholesterol Eggs....................................................39 Irish Enchiladas............................................................41 Celibacy......................................................................43 Entrees...........................................................................44 Linus's Revenge............................................................45 G. W. Carver's Gift to Mankind.......................................47 6
  6. 6. It Probably Won't Kill You.... The Cure for the Munchies.............................................49 Rabbit Pellets...............................................................51 Methylene Surprise.......................................................53 Hell.............................................................................55 Mixer-Killer..................................................................57 Snooty Desserts...........................................................59 Tell Them It's Chocolate Delight.....................................61 Pee Can Pie..................................................................63 A Felon's Nightmare......................................................65 It's Magic.....................................................................67 Delicious Dough............................................................69 When You're Just Too Lazy to Bake.................................70 Credits............................................................................71 Tell Me More About This Mystic Chef...................................74 7
  7. 7. Appetizers
  8. 8. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Nothing says "I've died and gone to heaven" quite like Carne Asada, a Mexican grilled meat. Serve it warm, thinly sliced in burritos or tacos. 9
  9. 9. Iyan Igma Alligator-Style Carne Asada Few things scream delicious in this life like a piece of juicy meat that falls apart in your mouth. Just ask any alligator. They let theirs sit in their wallows for a few weeks, marinating in rancid juices. This recipe will add that same tender rancidity to a Mexican favourite: Carne Asada. What You Will Need 1 wallow, without gator 2 pounds carne asada meat 1 half-gallon orange juice 3 cloves garlic, minced 1 tablespoon salt 1 teaspoon cumin Okay, So What Do I Once I Get Rid of the Gator? Swim underneath the bank with the meat in your mouth. Deposit it somewhere it won't float away. Leave it there for about two weeks, or until it becomes so rancid it easily falls apart in your mouth. If you are impatient, or if you've been unable to shoo the alligator out of the nearest wallow, you can put the meat in the bottom of a large, sealable container that you don't mind cleaning. Prick the meat lightly with a fork. Pour enough orange juice over the meat to completely cover. Drink the rest straight from the carton. Then, add in garlic, salt, and cumin. Let it marinate for two hours. Cook over medium-high heat on a grill for 6-10 minutes, flipping once, until you're satisfied it's no longer alive. Serve with all the fixings. Feel free to tear it apart with your teeth like a good carnivore. It is especially good sliced and served inside of warm flour tortillas with salsa such as Fireball (recipe follows.) 10
  10. 10. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Chili Habanero: The only thing scarier than those green face masks that women wear at night... 11
  11. 11. Iyan Igma Fireball If you've always wondered what you're friends mean when they talk about heartburn, and if you think you're a real man, then you should try this simple salsa. I prefer it raw, but you can grill the peppers to intensify the flavour. What You Will Need To Wish You Were Dead 7 habaneros 7 jalapeños 1 tomatillo 1 dash of salt 1 Priest to give your Last Rites Don't Do It. It's a Trick! Blend everything together. Eat with a spoon, serve with fresh tortillas with salt, or on top of meals like carne asada. Cry like a little girl. Consume massive amounts of bread and water afterwards. Warning: It burns coming and going... Do not touch your eyes after touching hot peppers. However, it's okay to touch your friend's eyes afterwards, especially if they are sleeping. While still on the topic of things that will make you cry, remember to cut your onions under water, or keep Visine handy. Visine is actually very useful in the kitchen, because it makes a really great prank to play on someone who likes to drink milk. Remember...just one drop, and they'll think they had the stomach virus of the year. Visine would almost certainly do the same in horchata, too, so be sure to check out that recipe. 12
  12. 12. It Probably Won't Kill You.... 13
  13. 13. Iyan Igma Pulled Pork Barrel Politicians Pork-Barrel Politicians, the other white meat. When fixed just right, nothing tastes better. Some are a little more gristly or lean than others, but in a pinch, most legislators will do. What You Will Need TV or Internet Sexy voice Chloroform Heavy cleaver Legislator Very large pot 1 quart water 3 pounds of pork-barrel politician roast ¾ cup white vinegar ½ cup brown sugar 2 onions, chopped 4 garlic cloves, chopped ½ cup ketchup 2 tablespoons mustard 1 tablespoon paprika 3 teaspoons lemon juice 1 teaspoon chili powder 1 teaspoon salt So, I'm Ready for Supper; Now What? Research online to find out who is the porkiest, or scout out dinner on C-SPAN. Then, when you have chosen your candidate, pose as a lobbyist or a call girl. When you meet, use a little chloroform over their nose and mouth. That way they are relaxed; tense muscles don't taste quite as good. When you have a good three pounds and all the fat trimmed off, (which is ironic, since they could never do the same,) set it in a pot. Put vinegar, brown sugar, onions, garlic, ketchup, mustard, 14
  14. 14. It Probably Won't Kill You.... paprika, lemon juice, chili powder, and salt in a blender. Let the blades do their magic. Pour the sauce over the meat. Add 1 quart of water. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 2 to 2½ hours, stirring and turning frequently. The meat will be done when you can easily pull it apart with two forks. Cut off the heat, and remove the meat. It's time to pull it apart to your heart's content. Just think about wasted tax money. In no time flat you'll have a heap of shredded meat. Warm your sauce back up, letting plenty of that water evaporate, th and/or scoop out at least ¼ of it. When it's thick enough for your taste, put the shredded meat back in, and serve on buns with your choice of soul food. If you're really lazy, you can just buy regular pork or turkey ham to boil. You can also just use store-bought barbecue sauce to soak your meat in after you boil it and shred it. It really just depends on how much of your money your legislator has wasted. If you like the smell of coffee, but do not like to drink it or have no percolator, there is still a way to get that aroma to fill your house. Get out a potato, poke it with holes using a fork, wrap it in tin foil, and bake for 10 hours while you cook a supper like this in your Crockpot and leave home for work. 15
  15. 15. Iyan Igma Cube steak, all fatty and fried, tastes might pretty when it's inside. 16
  16. 16. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Necrophilic Rhapsody Deep inside of you there is a monster. No, I'm not referring to your stomach. You know what I'm talking about. Your love of going into graveyards and digging up the freshly interred. But I can't say that I blame you. They make wonderful cube steak, especially when fixed the old-fashioned, unhealthy way. What You Will Need 1 latest obituary column 1 map of local cemeteries 1 lantern 1 good shovel, preferably round blade 1 good quality axe 1 sharp kitchen knife 1 cooler 8 good slices of haunch meat, about ¼ pound each 1 meat tenderizer ¾ cup all-purpose flour ¼ teaspoon lemon pepper ¼ teaspoon salt 1 cup buttermilk 1 cup crushed saltines ⅓ cup lard, since it tastes better than veggie oil How To Make Your Momma Proud Having found a juicy corpse in the obituaries, use a map to get directions to the cemetery. Google Maps normally excels in this. Take your shovel, lantern, knife, and cooler out to the grave site. Turn your MP3 player on to some really eerie music, and start digging. When you hit the lid of the coffin, scrape the dirt away with your hands. Then, use the axe to burst through the lid. Check for cool trinkets that the family left behind. Next, remove burial clothes, and let your knife do its job. Then, load up everything in the cooler and head on back to the kitchen.* 17
  17. 17. Iyan Igma Back in the kitchen, tenderize your meat. If you've never done this before, it means you hit it with a meat tenderizer—the really freaky metal hammer with spikes that you used to get spanked with. Try not to smash your fingers in the process; it hurts. Now, break out three bowls. Put the flour, lemon pepper, and salt into one. Mix. Put the buttermilk in the other. Yes, you guessed right; put the saltine cracker crumbs into the third. Now, take a steak and put it into the flour, coating both sides. Then, dip it into the buttermilk. Finally, let it rest in peace in the saltines, at least until you press them firmly into the meat so that they will stick. Repeat the process with each steak. Melt your lard in a pan over medium-high heat. Then, cook the steaks for 3 to 5 minutes on each side, until cooked through and brown. If you're really enterprising, which is dubious after you just dug up a corpse and cooked it, you can make gravy by getting rid of most of the grease and adding a cup of milk and a can of cream of mushroom soup. You'd want to stir it until it boiled, then coat your steaks with it. It's not half bad, really. *I recommend bringing a portable camp stove to the site and fixing everything right there, that way if you're extry special hungry, you can prepare more on the spot. If, however, you are fixing this meal for a date with a weak stomach, you might want to stick with your kitchen. It's best she not know what she is eating. Just tell her it's cube steak. She won't be able to tell the difference. Kitchen Hint: If you want to clog your sink, then the next time you cook something really greasy, drain all of the grease down the sink. Keep on doing that and, voilá, you'll be the proud owner of a clogged sink and the envy of your neighbours. 18
  18. 18. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Hobo dinners are whatever you make of them, though you can usually count on them being slightly burnt and having a little bit of dirt inside... 19
  19. 19. Iyan Igma Hobo Dinners This is one of the most classic camp out dinners ever. It is really easy to fix, since most of the time if you camp near railroad tracks a hobo will wander into camp just in time for the coals to get warm enough. Have your 2x4” or baseball bat handy to knock him unconscious with. What You Need: 1 2x4” or baseball bat 1 machete or camp saw 1 meat grinder 1 lean hobo, made into ¼ to ½ pound patties* Cheese As much chopped vegetables like carrots, onions, squash, and potatoes as you can stand. Corn works, too. Heavy Duty tin foil Salt and pepper to taste Shovel (for burial and retrieval of food from fire) Spork or foon I've Clobbered Him; Now What? Cut out meat and grind, though you can make steaks or strips if you prefer. Put hobo patty in the middle of an 8x12” sheet of tin foil. Lick your fingers; don't worry about washing hands. You're a cannibal for crying out loud! Add veggies and cheese, if you feel so inclined. Make sure you can wrap it at least twice in the tin foil. Cook on the piping hot embers of the fire for 15 minutes. Flip with shovel or something with a long enough handle to ensure that your eyebrows don't get singed off. Cook for another 15 minutes, or so. Take out and enjoy, unless you put it over cold coals. Then, you'll have to cook it a little longer. *If you can't find a hobo, then ground beef or turkey works just fine. 20
  20. 20. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! Chances are, if you're a liar, then your pants are on fire. And if your pants are on fire, then your biscuits are burning. Now, in most cases that would not be such a waste, since, let's face it, made-from- a-can biscuits (also known as “Whop Biscuits,) aren't all that great. So, burned or not, they'll still be garbage. But, if you can promise me that you won't let them burn, I'll share with you the recipe for the best buttermilk biscuits ever tasted by gods or mortals. These biscuits actually attracted people from all over the world (really.) So, if you are reading this in an outhouse, be sure not to recycle this page. Tear it out immediately, frame it, and hang it next to the picture of your mother kissing the Pope. That's right, it's my granny's biscuits. What You Will Need to Attempt to Pull off Perfection 1 Hog, butchered 1 Rolling pin, or a glass coated in flour 2 cups self-rising flour ¾ cup buttermilk ¼ cup lard ¼ cup 10X powdered sugar (confectioner sugar) And Then? Scrape the lard off of a freshly butchered hog. Set hog aside to make salt back, etc. Sift the flour into a mixing bowl. Add powdered sugar. Mix lard into flour with a fork. When the lard is pretty well mixed in, make a well in the flour. That is to say, scoop the flour out of the middle so that there's a hole. Pour the buttermilk into the well. Mix together with a spoon until it's fairly consistent. Then, knead with your fingers briefly and gently. Eat the dough that gets stuck on your knuckles and fingers. Clear a clean surface, say your kitchen counter. Sprinkle a little bit of flour out, and put the mass of dough out. Roll out the dough until it's about ½ inch thick. Use a ruler to check. 21
  21. 21. Iyan Igma Then, if you're using the glass, you can use the end to cut out the biscuits. Otherwise, use a biscuit or cookie cutter. Give loose ends to the screaming kids pulling at your apron and pants legs. Use a little lard to grease a baking sheet. Put biscuits on it, spacing out slightly. Bake at 450°F for 12 minutes, or until lightly brown. While waiting for them to rise, try not to open the oven repeatedly. Instead, sift the flour mixture that's left in the mixing bowl; give doughboys to kids. Serves great with butter, cane syrup, or jams, especially kiwi or strawberry. Great when dipped in eggs and fried. Delicious in sausage gravy. Make excellent concealed weapons when burnt. Yield: 12-15 if you do it right 22
  22. 22. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Thanksgiving just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without cornbread dressing 23
  23. 23. Iyan Igma Thanksgiving Dinner Why waste hours cooking a dry turkey and baking pies? Why miss the parades and games? Cranberry sauce and sweet potato casserole are way too overrated. If you want to have that perfect Thanksgiving Dinner, you know, the one where you can relax and do as little as possible, just make cornbread dressing. That's all you really need. What You Will Need: 1 television 1 couch 1 beer hat 1 foot massager 1 TV Dinner Tray 1 large wooden spoon to beat your kids off with 1 package cornbread mix (and whatever it calls for) ¼ cup chopped onion 4 slices stale bread, torn in pieces ¾ cup butter, melted ½ cup hot water ½ teaspoon sage 2 cans chicken broth 1 teaspoon poultry seasoning Salt and pepper to taste (that means a lot!) How to Simplify Your Thanksgiving Day So You Can Really Be Thankful About Something, Since Your Life Stinks and Obviously Won't Be Getting Any Better Any Time Soon... Make a pan of cornbread according to directions on package. Tear the cornbread into small pieces. Try not to eat too much of it before you make it to the next stage. I know, it's hard not to. Add chopped onion, stale bread, butter, water, sage, chicken broth, and poultry seasoning. Salt and pepper to taste. That means you'll have to try some. Add some more salt and 24
  24. 24. It Probably Won't Kill You.... pepper. Try some more using the same spoon. Repeat as necessary. Don't worry about germs; the heat will kill most of the important ones. Bake at 325°F for 45 minutes. Yield: a lot If you're wondering, these are pork chops, not cornbread dressing. 25
  25. 25. Iyan Igma Cosa Nostra Pork Chops Looking at impressing your mob boss? Thinking about dating the daughter of a crime lord? This recipe won't help you, even though it is “Italian-style” pork chops. Still, fixing them would probably ensure that, in the worst case, you wouldn't wake up with a horse head sharing a bed with you. What You Need: 8 thin, lean, boneless pork chops 1 jar spaghetti sauce, choose your death 2 cups mozzarella cheese Italian breadcrumbs Sounds Simple Enough... Now, what I failed to mention is that you'll need a Ziploc bag to put those breadcrumbs in. Once you've done that, rinse the pork chops and pat dry. Then, toss them in the bag of breadcrumbs, shaking them as violently as you would shake a soda you're going to give to a friend. Take the pork chop out and put it onto a 9x13” baking dish that has already been lined with breadcrumbs. Did I fail to tell you to do that? Oops. Repeat the vicious bag-shaking with the other pork chops. Then, bake at 350°F for 30 minutes, or until brown and cooked through. Don't be afraid to cut into it to check to see that it's done. After all, pork is not like sushi. You want it cooked well. After you've poked and prodded at it and are sure it's done, remove from oven. Spoon spaghetti sauce on top of pork chops. Then, coat generously with whatever mozzarella cheese you haven't already eaten. Bake for another 5 minutes. Serve warm to your family, or The Family. Just remember, if they try to kiss you afterwards, flee the country. 26
  26. 26. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Greasy. Sensual. Hamburger. 27
  27. 27. Iyan Igma Grandma Burgers With every juicy bite you take, you'll be savouring someone's grandmother who wasn't quite righteous enough to reach Nirvana in her last lifetime. So it serves her right. Don't feel any pity whatsoever. Just enjoy every good, wholesome morsel. After all, you're not going to reach Nirvana either. What You Will Need to Upset Someone in India Good teeth* 2 pounds ground Beef** 2 eggs, raw 4 slices bread, crumbled 1 onion, chopped 1 clove garlic, minced ½ tablespoon mustard 1 teaspoon red pepper 1 teaspoon salt The Nitty-Gritty If you are dainty and faint-hearted, turn back now. If you weren't bright enough to thaw the hamburger meat, then kick yourself in the rear and wait. Everyone else, dive in. That is to say, dump everything in a big mixing bowl, with the exception of good teeth. Those should stay in your mouth so you can eat the burgers later. Using your precious little hands, mix all that gooey stuff together. Then, form into 8 patties if you are a light eater, and 2 to 4 if you are a real man. With anything involving meat, make sure it gets cooked all the way through. Otherwise, you might enjoy the taste. Put the patties on a George Foreman grill for 5 minutes (more or less, depending on how rare or done you prefer them.) Or if you like those tasty black lines to be seared into your meat by a ravenous fire, grill for about 6 minutes, turning once. If it's too cold outside or you just really like to pan fry, cook 7 to 10 minutes on each side. 28
  28. 28. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Serve on your choice of buns. If it's at breakfast, you can substitute very thick pancakes for buns. You can add cheese, bacon, and/or grilled mushrooms to really deck this monster out. Some people like lettuce, ketchup, mayonnaise, chili, pineapple, and such. Feel free to add whatever you like when destroying your own karma. *Dentures will work, too **You can substitute ground turkey Dinner Rolls 29
  29. 29. Iyan Igma That's Not Cornbread If you really want to play with someone's head, invite them over to dinner. Tell them you're making cornbread. When they see what you have made and argue that “that's not cornbread,” pull it apart and show them the corn. You'll be set to have the most wonderful dinner conversation. What You Need 1 cup self-rising flour 1 can kernel corn, drained ½ cup buttermilk 2 tablespoons mayonnaise Ready to Mess With Someone's Mind? Preheat oven to 425°F. Combine ingredients and bake in greased muffin tin for 10-12 minutes. Serve hot, spread with butter. Yield: 6 NOTE: This has nothing to do with with this recipe, but if you don't want to make a wonderful first impression after eating corn on the cob, place the cob on its end. Take a steak knife and cut down, and repeat until all the corn is off. Try not to lick the cob compulsively afterwards. 30
  30. 30. It Probably Won't Kill You.... I'm certain the American Heart Association would approve of these bacon wrapped hot dogs. 31
  31. 31. Iyan Igma SSI Can't swing that cast iron skillet hard enough any more? If you've ever dreamed about a being a widow (for obvious reasons,) then this recipe is your meal ticket. Not only will its taste be sinful, but it is sure to give your grumpy old man a heart attack. Then, you can start collecting his SSI and finally have some peace. What You Will Need 1 Grumpy Old Man 8 Beef franks or polish sausages 8 ounces bacon (pork is greasiest) 16 well-soaked toothpicks buns, choose your preferred style A current copy of his will Insurance policies and retirement account info Optional: your favourite cheese, either melted or in slices mayonnaise onions, chopped pickle relish any other condiment like chili or ketchup How to Make Him Kick the Bucket This is a fairly simple recipe. Make sure your grill is ready. Wrap a hot dog in a spiral with a piece of bacon. Put a toothpick through both ends of the hot dog to keep the bacon in place. Repeat until all of the hot dogs or sausages have been wrapped in a nice, greasy blanket of bacon. Toss the hot dogs (or sausages, however the case may be) onto the grill for 6 to 8 minutes, until bacon is brown and done. Serve on your choice of bun with whatever you like piled on top. If he doesn't keel over dead, add arsenic or strychnine to the next one. 32
  32. 32. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Horchata is the only reason to be Mexican 33
  33. 33. Iyan Igma Diabetic Coma-Inducing Rice Milk If you didn't have diabetes before you drank this, you will. It's called horchata, and its taste is heavenly. This is the best kept secret of the entire book. It is a much creamier version of a traditional Mexican drink, which should never, under any circumstances, be made from a dry mix. Horrible! What You Need Milk pail Cow Boots Rice paddy Mesh strainer 1 half-gallon milk 1 cup rice 1½ cup water 1 cup water (yes, I realize water is listed twice) 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1 can sweetened condensed milk ¾ cup sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla What to Do Take your pail and go milk your cow. It's best to do it early in the morning before they are too awake to kick you. Set the milk aside in a cool place. Then, put on your boots and wade out into the rice paddy. When you've harvested a good cup of rice, come back to dry land. Put the rice into a bowl that you can seal. Sprinkle with cinnamon. Pour in water until it is completely covered. Put on lid. Let it soak between 2 and 12 hours. Do not let it set more than, say, 24 hours, though, because it starts to ferment. Pour rice into blender. Add 1 cup of water. Blend forever, or 10 to 12 minutes, whichever comes first. Strain out into a pitcher. Cast the leftover rice chunks away. 34
  34. 34. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Add sweetened condensed milk; sugar, vanilla, and milk. Stir fervently. Try a little. If desired, add more sugar until you're completely diabetic. Refrigerate until served. Do not drink all in one sitting, or you will have the most intense sugar rush. Also tastes good with strawberry syrup or real strawberries blended in. This is fried chicken, not horchata. 35
  35. 35. Iyan Igma First Date Fried Chicken When you start dating someone seriously, it's to see if they are THE ONE. So, why waste time with senseless things like the movies when you can cut to the chase and do the most romantic and intimate thing possible first? That's right, have her cook for you. Men: (If you're female skip down) Now, the real test of a bride to be is whether or not she can cook fried chicken. If so, she's a keeper. If not, keep moving, and let her make someone else miserable for the rest of their lives. What you will need 1 Hen 1 Cage lined with newspaper to carry it to her house How to Find Out if She's THE ONE Knock on her door. When she comes to the door, let the hen go. Tell her to cook it. If she cannot catch it, wring its neck, behead it, pluck it, and fry it well, don't waste your time. Women: Chances are you have your hopes of walking down the aisle. So, I'll cheat and let you know what you have to do to get there, after you've caught the hen, wrung its neck, beheaded it, and plucked it. Make sure to not leave any feathers... What You Will Need 8 pieces chicken 3 bowls 1 cup milk 2 eggs 1 cup flour 1 teaspoon lemon pepper ½ teaspoon salt 36
  36. 36. It Probably Won't Kill You.... ½ cup lard, since it'll clog his veins quicker How To Prove You Are THE ONE Who Can Make Him Miserable for the Rest of His Life Put the milk in a bowl. Crack the eggs and, using a fork, beat them in a bowl. Dig out the little pieces of eggshell that you dropped in there. They're very unappetizing. After you're married you won't have to worry about getting them out any more. Put the flour, lemon pepper, and salt into the third bowl. Roll each piece of chicken first in milk, then in eggs, and then coat them in the flour mixture. Wash your hands before you use the restroom. You deserve a break; you chased a chicken around, and your bladder is small. Okay, now, back to the kitchen. Heat a large pan full of lard over medium-high heat. Carefully put a few pieces of chicken into the pot. Be prepared to run away at the first sign of an explosion of grease. Don't worry if you drop a piece of chicken on the floor while fleeing; he'll never notice. Cook for 15 minutes, turning, until golden brown. If it is pink inside, don't feed it to him, since he could die before you make it down the aisle. You may need to replenish your batter mixture or add lard as needed. Also, don't be afraid to turn the heat down a little if it browns too quickly (as in under 15 minutes.) If you really want to impress him, you can use the same batter process to fry your choice of sliced green tomatoes, sliced squash, or mushrooms. Fry 'em up and drain 'em. He'll love you even more. I know that the flour goo will look an awful lot like biscuit dough once you've finished, but it's not. It's been defiled and perverted. DO NOT eat the flour after you have rolled the chicken in it. 37
  37. 37. Iyan Igma Deep fried eggstacy 38
  38. 38. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Low-Cholesterol Eggs Everyone's trying to keep their cholesterol down these days. Of course, we all know that doing so means you have to eat really bland and boring food like cardboard. With one exception, that is: Deep-fried eggs, the way my great granny used to make them. She lived well into her eighties, so you can see how healthy they were. What You Will Need Bacon fat from the bacon you just fried Eggs Aloe That's Simple Enough; Now What? Fill the saucepan (a fancy word for a pot) with warm bacon grease. Warm the grease over medium-high heat. If cooking over a gas stove, take Gas-X first. When the grease is piping hot, crack the egg and drop it in. By the time you have finished treating your grease burn with aloe, the egg should be ready. Do not scramble it, as that would create an ungodly mess. Take out with a metal spatula, and don't bother straining it. Serves well with biscuits and gravy and bacon all mushed together, on sandwiches, or on tennis racquets. NOTE: You can cook this exact same meal over a campfire. It will make any cold morning paradise. DO NOT POUR GREASE ONTO A FIRE! IT IS LIKE THROWING DIESEL ONTO HOT FLAMES! (BUT IT SURE IS FUN) 39
  39. 39. Iyan Igma Enchilada casserole is yummy 40
  40. 40. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Irish Enchiladas I know what you're thinking. Enchiladas are Mexican. However, this is one of the lost recipes from the kitchen of the fearless and experimental Jonathan Swift, who, as you well know, mastered Irish cuisine. Swift, who gave the world Gulliver's Travels, omitted one dreary part of the tale, in which Gulliver actually went to Mexico. Since such events as the discovery of El Dorado, the defeat of the twelve- headed monkey sun gods, and Gulliver's tutelage under the foremost enchilada expert of the day were too boring to include, many would never suppose that Swift knew much of enchiladas. But, that is not so. Gulliver left those recipes to Swift in his will. Swift later perfected the recipe, and was poised to become world famous with it. However, a common thief, one of my great- grandfathers, was his sous-chef, and he recognized greatness when he saw it. Thus, he made off with this recipe, distinguishing himself among all of my other ancestors who were nothing more than cattle thieves. This has been a secret family recipe for centuries now, a treasure we owe our good, honest, reputable ancestor. You will probably be most surprised to see that there are no potatoes or whiskey involved. But you can add them, if you really want to. So, What Does the Recipe Call For? Filling: 12 corn tortillas (the yellow, not-quite-as-tasty ones) 2 pounds small Irish child, any will do, browned* 1 large can red or green Enchilada sauce 1 can green chilies 1 cup onion, chopped 1 can whole kernel corn, undrained 1 cup diced tomatoes 1 cup rice, cooked 1 cup queso fresco (Mexican Crumbling Cheese) 1½ tablespoons olive oil 1 tablespoon lemon juice ½ cup garlic, minced ½ teaspoon salt Pinch of cumin Hot sauce to taste (I prefer Valentina) 41
  41. 41. Iyan Igma Topping: 2 cups cheddar cheese or Mexican cheese blend Shredded lettuce 1 cup black olives 1 cup sour cream ½ cup diced tomatoes So, My Irish Kid's browned... What's Next? Basically, you'll put the olive oil into the bottom of a large saucepan (pot,) and pray you have enough room. Warm it over low heat. Add browned Irish kid, green chilies, onion, corn (and juice,) tomatoes, rice, crumbled queso fresco, lemon juice, garlic, salt, cumin, and several hearty squirts of hot sauce. Add ¾ of the Enchilada sauce. Mix until the mixture is warm and well-blended. Remove from heat, and heat the corn tortillas until they are warm and pliable (about 30 seconds in a microwave.) Using a large spoon, fill the center with enchilada mix. Roll the tortillas and put them in a 9x13" baking dish. Spoon remaining enchilada sauce over the top. Cover with tin foil, and bake at 350°F for 30 minutes. Remove from oven long enough to cover with cheese. Bake an additional 5 minutes. Cover with lettuce, olives, tomatoes, and sour cream. Eat with gusto. *You can substitute Irish children with ground beef in areas where Irishmen are scarce, such as dry counties. The flavour will not suffer too much. Black Jelly Beans Are Useless 42
  42. 42. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Celibacy If you've ever dreamed about being a Catholic Priest, this simple dip is guaranteed to keep you celibate, as well as make sure you're dead before you're forty. That way you don't have to suffer too long. In fact, it's so easy to keep girls away, you'll wonder why you've never thought of it before. What You Will Need 1 Cup mayonnaise 1 Cup butter, softened 1 teaspoon garlic powder 1 teaspoon onion powder What to Do Mix everything together. Serve on toasted bread. Be miserable and dream about girls every night. Note: Should you recant, repent, and want to break your vow of celibacy, it is not as simple as brushing your teeth or even using mouthwash. Garlic lingers. Drink a swig of lemon juice mixed with water. Kiss the first legal girl you can find. If she isn't grossed out by your breath, you're safe. If she is grossed out (but not by your technique, since there I cannot help you,) have a little more lemon juice. Garlic and onion can be a little stubborn. 43
  43. 43. Entrees
  44. 44. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Linus's Revenge If you or a loved one has ever sat in a pumpkin patch waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear, you can understand Linus's disappointment. It is your right, nay, your sacred duty to take part in the same revenge that Linus wreaked on pumpkinkind. That's right; it's time to make pumpkin pies. This recipe is another from my great- granny the wonder chef. What You Will Need 1 poor, defenseless pumpkin that has it coming ½ teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon cinnamon 1⅓ cups sugar 3 teaspoons Pumpkin pie spice 4 eggs, slightly beaten 3⅓ cups milk 2½ cups mashed, cooked pumpkin* 2 9" deep dish pie pans or 4 9" shallow pans Those Pumpkins Will Pay Dearly for This! Go out into pumpkin patch. Find a suitable victim. Nab the pumpkin, and hurry home before the other pumpkins stage a rescue. Strap him down in a chair and torture him. Make him watch It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and demand answers. If he doesn't squeal, show him your jack-o-lanterns, promising to do the same to him. If he still won't talk, it's because he knows he's a different type of pumpkin. So, mash him. You were going to do it anyway. You both knew it. That's why he refused to answer. Sift together dry ingredients and stir into eggs. Add milk and pumpkin. Pour filling into pie pans. Bake at 450°F for 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 325°F and bake 35 minutes longer, or until knife inserted in center comes out clean. 45
  45. 45. Iyan Igma Cool. Cover in Cool Whip and eat ravenously. Tell the kids far and wide that there is no Great Pumpkin, but these sure are great pumpkin pies. Note: Pie will puff up when nearly done, signifying its last gasp of resistance. *If you're uber-lazy, you can use 1 can of Libby’s pumpkin pie filling instead. Take that, you silly Great Pumpkin! 46
  46. 46. It Probably Won't Kill You.... G. W. Carver's Gift to Mankind If it were not for George Washington Carver, the world would have no meaning. His exploration of that wonder of wonders, the peanut, has blessed every aspect of my life. As someone who used to eat his own weight in peanut butter each year, if not more, I find it only fitting to make these cookies in honour of a god among men every Sunday. What You Will Need 1 cup butter ¾ cup sugar ¾ cup brown sugar 2 eggs 2¼ cups self-rising flour 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 cup peanut butter chopped nuts (optional) Show Me the Mystery of the Peanut Butter Cookie Cream together butter, sugar, and brown sugar. Add eggs, flour, vanilla, peanut butter, and chopped nuts. Mix well. Roll into balls. Roll the balls in sugar. Place them on an ungreased cookie sheet. Make a crisscross on each ball with a fork. From time to time you will need to dip the fork in water to keep it from sticking to balls. Do not lick the fork yet, as it will only add to the stickiness. Bake at 350°F for 8 to 10 minutes. Now you can lick the fork. Use your fingers to scrape the excess dough from the sides of the bowl. Don't be afraid of the slurping, popping sounds your fingers will make as you suck the dough off. Repeat until bowl is wiped clean. Cool on wire racks, while chanting, “Holy, Holy, the Most High Who sent the peanut from the sky, 47
  47. 47. Iyan Igma And thereby has shown us His great love. Bless Carver and the cookies we'll soon eat of.” Now, you may feast. Peanut butter cookies actually replaced ambrosia as the food of the gods. 48
  48. 48. It Probably Won't Kill You.... The Cure for the Munchies Chances are you are a good, upstanding citizen. I won't hold that against you. But whether or not you do or do not suffer outrageous, drug-induced cravings for food, you should like this recipe. Providing you're not some freak who doesn't like peanut butter or coconut. If you are, then you should really not read this cookbook. What You Will Need 1¼ cups graham cracker crumbs or crushed cereal 1 cup unsifted 10 x sugar (confectioners sugar) ½ cup chopped nuts 1 cup creamy peanut butter ½ cup coconut ¼ cup butter, softened Then What? Mix crumbs, sugar, peanut butter, and butter in medium size bowl, using a wooden spoon. Roll into small balls by hand. Roll half in nuts, and half in coconut. You don't have time to bake it, because you're too hungry. Just eat it like it is. This recipe will be very useful for those special people among us who can burn water. If that happens to describe you, make sure that you keep vinegar around to douse the smell, especially when company is eating what you just burned. 49
  49. 49. Iyan Igma Chocolate chips melting into gooey goodness before they become rabbit pellets 50
  50. 50. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Rabbit Pellets Nothing says cute like rabbit pellets. If you want to impress your coworkers or insignificant other, you can either collect them from your pet rabbit Spike, or you can make the imitation, which tastes a whole lot less like carrots and lettuce than you would expect. Spike won't mind, since he knows that “imitation is the highest form of flattery.” What You Will Need 2 bags semi-sweet chocolate morsels* 1 bag peanut butter chips 1 8 ounce can cashews 1 8 ounce can peanuts, roasted and salted 1 small bag of pretzels. Wax paper Now, to Flatter Your Bunny In a large steel pan or pot, melt chocolate morsels over low heat, stirring constantly. When it is soft, add in peanut butter chips, cashews, peanuts, and several handfuls of pretzels. Don't quit stirring. Do not add real rabbit pellets to the mixture; they're too healthy. When it is all coated, remove from heat and quickly drop by spoonfuls onto wax paper. Let cool for 30 minutes, at least, or refrigerate. Feel free to experiment; add other types of nuts or coconut. *If you can convince them that you have an albino bunny, you can use white chocolate morsels instead. I prefer them, so you should, too. 51
  51. 51. Iyan Igma Fudge brownie with ice cream. (You were expecting a different description?) 52
  52. 52. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Methylene Surprise What would you do if you woke up one morning and discovered that your urine was blue or green? You'd freak out, right? So, what better way to show your love and admiration for someone than giving them such a thrill? Is it difficult, you ask? Not really. You just need methylene blue and something nice and dark, like brownies or coke. Let's explore the brownie option. What You Will Need 1 cup chopped nuts ½ cup butter ½ cup white sugar ½ cup brown sugar, packed 1 teaspoon vanilla 2 eggs 6 tablespoons cocoa ½ cup all-purpose flour a few drops of methylene blue Let the Fun Begin Cream butter, sugars, and vanilla together. Add eggs, nuts, cocoa, and flour. Make a sinister laugh as you add in a drop or two of methylene blue. Blend until the mixture seems “just blended.” Pour into 9x13” baking dish. Bake at 350°F for 25 to 30 minutes. Let it cool for a few minutes, then cut into small squares. Serve under vanilla ice cream to your unsuspecting victims. Chuckle evilly to yourself all night long. Be forewarned that adding methylene blue can be potentially fatal, as someone could have a heart-attack upon seeing blue urine. In all earnestness, there are some potential side effects if dosages are too high, so it's best to prepare these brownies without the laughter inducing agent. 53
  53. 53. Iyan Igma Oh, sure. They look cute enough, and you'd think they'd be a cinch to make. But it's a lie, I tell you! A lie! 54
  54. 54. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Hell Because divinity is impossible. Just like Santa Claus doesn't exist, you can't really make divinity. But don't let your kids know that. What You Will Need A non-humid day Patience 1 Ready-made package of divinity 3 cups sugar ½ cup Karo light syrup ½ cup cold water 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 2 egg whites, stiffly beaten 1 cup chopped nuts All Set. Where Do I Go From Here? Well, I think you already know the answer to that question. You'll put the sugar, syrup, and water in a pot. Cook until a few drops form a soft ball when you drop them from a spoon into cold water. Pour half the syrup over the stiffly beaten egg whites as you continue beating them. While doing this, continue to cook the remaining syrup until a hard ball forms when dropped in cold water. Add the hot syrup gradually to the syrup and egg mixture. Beat well, add vanilla and nuts. Drop by spoonfuls onto waxed paper or foil. Tell your kids it has to set overnight. When they go to bed, throw away all of your disastrous hard work. Trust me, you'll thank me later. Then, spill the store-bought divinity out onto wax paper or foil, and pretend it's the same batch you made. Enjoy its rich taste, because you know where liars go... 55
  55. 55. Iyan Igma Cream cheese pound cake, in this version frosted. The top, where the layers of sugar lining the pan have glorified the cake, is the best part. 56
  56. 56. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Mixer-Killer Year after year you're stuck using that same old hand mixer. You scrape flecks of dried dough off of it all the time. You're sure your shoulder will go out any time now. You keep telling yourself you'll get a KitchenAid one day. But the dagblasted mixer just won't die. Well, you don't need to suffer any more. As someone who's been enlightened in this particular area, I can promise you that all you need to do is make a cream cheese pound cake. If, by chance, you happen to like your mixer just fine, be sure it is plenty strong before you attempt this recipe. What You Will Need 1 mixer you despise 8 ounces cream cheese 3 sticks butter 6 large eggs 3 cups sugar 3 cups all-purpose flour 1½ teaspoons vanilla dash of salt (about ¼ teaspoon) Once You've Dug a Grave For It In Your Backyard Next to All of Your Kids' Pets, Here's What You Do Next Allow cream cheese and butter to warm at room temperature until softened. Cream both the cream cheese and the butter with the sugar and vanilla. Add eggs, one at a time, blending well after each addition. Your mixer hasn't even broken a sweat yet, but don't worry. Add flour one cup at a time, until blended. This is where your blender will die, no doubt about it. When it does, discard it to the side, and grab your brand spanking new KitchenAid to finish the recipe. Why let a good thing go to waste, right? Blend in salt. Pour into a greased and sugared tube pan (bundt). Place in cold oven and bake at 300°F for 1½ hours. I personally like to serve cream cheese pound cake with nacho 57
  57. 57. Iyan Igma cheese or yellow mustard on top. English Scones, the snootiest treat of all... 58
  58. 58. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Snooty Desserts From time to time everyone wants to feel like they are better than they really are. What better way to do this than to make a nice English treat. Then, while you eat them, you can pretend that you are some dry, uppity Englishman who still wonders when America will come to its senses and end that stupid experiment in democracy. Warning, it will be easy to give into the dark side after having English scones. But you can still be a decent human being. I believe in you. After all, deep down you know that they drive on the wrong side of he road. It would never work out, especially since you still think that kilometers are a type of dinosaur. What You Will Need Free time in your schedule (pronounced shedule) 3 cups all-purpose flour 1 whole grated lemon (grate the lemon rind, not the entire lemon. Less messy that way) ⅓ cup sugar 2½ tsp baking powder ¾ tsp salt ½ tsp baking soda 1 cup butter, crumbled 1 cup buttermilk How to Attain Social Elevation Mix together all of the ingredients together, taking care to only use the lemon zest and not the pulp and seeds. On floured surface, knead dough. Make into a circle about ½" thick. Brush with melted butter and sprinkle sugar evenly over top. Cut into 12 triangles like a pizza. Bake at 425°F for 10-12 minutes. Make a cup of tea and serve while watching Masterpiece Theatre. 59
  59. 59. Iyan Igma It's chocolate delight. Honest. I swear. Would I lie to you? 60
  60. 60. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Tell Them It's Chocolate Delight This easy dessert is a great way to get back at people against whom you hold a grudge. It is also a great recipe for April Fool's Day and the wedding receptions of people you secretly wished to marry. The trick is to substitute the layer of “chocolate pudding” with something particularly nasty. You can use your imagination. But it has to be dark brown and soft. Adding sugar to it usually helps maintain the illusion. If you're feeling particularly nice, you can use a fruit filling or chocolate pudding. But don't let it happen more than once; otherwise people will start to get the wrong idea about you. What You Will Need: Crust: 1½ cups self-rising flour ½ cup butter, softened ½ cup chopped nuts Cream Cheese Layer: 8 ounce package cream cheese, softened ½ cup powdered sugar 8 ounce bowl of cool whip Pudding Layer: 2 boxes instant pudding (claim it's chocolate) 3½ cups milk How to Pull of Your Evil Plot... Mix together flour, butter, and chopped nuts. Press into bottom of 9x13" pan. Bake at 350°F for 15 to 20 minutes or until lightly brown. Let cool completely. Cream the cream cheese and powdered sugar together. Stir in cool whip. Spread over cooled crust. Beat “pudding” and milk for 2 minutes at medium speed. Spread over cream cheese layer. Top with 8 ounces cool whip. Sprinkle with nuts if desired. Coconut's not half bad, either. 61
  61. 61. Iyan Igma Pecan pie was actually the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. It used to grow on trees pre-baked. Can you honestly blame Eve now that you know how great a temptation she faced? 62
  62. 62. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Pee Can Pie Pee can pie has a long heritage in the south where disgruntled women would cook dessert for abusive husbands in their pee cans. They watched smiling as their husbands ate heartily, knowing their dirty little secret. Still, a certain curiosity always pestered them. Did it taste as good as their husbands let on? Why did he seem to enjoy that more than their other dishes? Was their cooking really that bad? As times have changed and women have become more effeminate and caved in to the temptation, they have begun to cook these in regular pans. What You Will Need 6 eggs 2 cups light corn syrup 2 cups sugar 4 tablespoons butter, melted 2 teaspoons vanilla ½ teaspoon salt 4 cups pecan pieces 2 #10 cans, soiled* How to Make Something Disgusting In large bowl, beat eggs slightly. Stir in corn syrup, sugar, butter, vanilla, and salt until blended. Add nuts. Pour into #10 cans. Bake at 400 degrees F for 15 minutes. Reduce to 350°F and bake 25-30 minutes more, or until lightly browned and completely puffed across top. Remember, when you bake pies you need to cover the edges of the crust with tin foil so it wont burn. * You can use two 9-inch deep dish pie pans, or 4 regular pie pans if you are squeamish. 63
  63. 63. Iyan Igma Thumbprint cookies are the ultimate in bite-sized shortbread heaven. Angels sold separately. 64
  64. 64. It Probably Won't Kill You.... A Felon's Nightmare If you have a felon in your family, or suspect that a future son- in-law is, this is a great way to find out. It seems innocuous enough at first, since no one would think anything of making simple shortbread cookies. However, if you press the thumb correctly, you can get a solid print baked into the cookie which the boys down at the local PD can try to match. If the future son-in-law seems remarkably dumb, you can have them press down on a black ink pad before they imprint their thumbprint. You'll know from their expertise if they've done it before. In any case, be sure not to frost a few of the ones that he makes, as the frosting occludes the prints. So, are you ready to catch a crook? What you will need: Cookies: ¼ cup sugar 1 cup butter, softened 2 cups all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon vanilla ¼ teaspoon salt 1 cup finely chopped nuts Frosting: 1 cup powdered sugar ½ tsp vanilla Enough water to make the consistency where it will drop off tip of spoon. Food colouring, as desired. Instructions Cream the butter and sugar together. Add the flour, vanilla, salt, and nuts. Mix. Roll into small balls. Make a thumbprint on each ball. Bake on ungreased baking sheet at 300°F for about 20 minutes. Remove, let cool, and frost. Yield: About 5 dozen 65
  65. 65. Iyan Igma Peach cobbler. Looks magical enough to me. 66
  66. 66. It Probably Won't Kill You.... It's Magic Let's face it, your kids think that you're boring and stuffy. They just don't like you. Why can't you be cool like their friends' parents? Well, now you can. What I am about to show you will single-handedly reinvent your image. Your kids will worship you after you prepare it. They will clean their rooms without you telling them to. They will never again blare their music. They will only date the people that you pick out, because, after all, you are the coolest person alive. That's right, you're about to learn how to make Magic Cobbler, something that makes even Harry Potter pale in comparison. And the best part is, no real magic is necessary. You can let simple chemical reactions do all the hard work for you. But just don't tell your kids. What You Will Need: 1 cup flour ½ cup sugar ¼ cup butter ½ cup milk 1 large can of fruit in syrup (peaches, pears, etc.) 1 teaspoon cinnamon, if using apples, peaches, or pears. Stir it into can of fruit. DO NOT DRAIN FRUIT, OR ELSE! I'LL TELL YOUR MAMMA! Abracadabra! Melt butter in bottom of pan. Mix together flour, sugar, And milk. Pour over butter in pan. Do not stir. Spoon fruit over batter in pan, do not mix. Bake at 350°F for 30 minutes. If you really want to seem cool and magical, make it rain gum for your kids. To do this, you will need a partner with a good arm and a bucket full of gum. Take the kids out one door of your home, chant a magical incantation really loud, and watch as your kids are amazed to see it rain gum. Give your partner a massage, a Ford Pinto, or something else nice later on. It's hard work lobbing gum over a house. 67
  67. 67. Iyan Igma Cover your eyes! The sugar cookies are trying to seduce you! 68
  68. 68. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Delicious Dough Anyone with common sense prefers to eat cookie dough raw, and there's no better dough to do it with than sugar cookies. There's something about that sticky, buttery mass that cries, “Eat me now!” What You'll Need 2 cups self-rising flour 1 cup sugar 1 egg ½ cup butter 1 teaspoon vanilla extract ½ teaspoon salt And Then? Cream the butter and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla and salt. Blend. Add flour. Mix. Freeze dough for later consumption, or eat it on the spot. Lick the beaters (mixer blades.) If you have this thing about not wanting to eat raw eggs, know that I don't understand this stigma. Still, I'll humour you just this once and tell you how to bake them. If your dough is frozen, it is easier to work with. But you'll need to take it out of the freezer. Roll into little balls (about ½” in diameter, though it's not a crime to make them bigger. Yet.) If it is not yet frozen, and there's still a little bit left that you and your kids are fighting over, you'll need to be able to pour about ½ cup of sugar into a small bowl quickly. Drop spoonfuls into sugar and roll into little balls. Eat every other one. Then, spread the balls apart on lightly greased cookie sheets. Bake at 375°F until the edges begin to brown, about 7-9 minutes. Don't worry, they'll flatten into normal sized little cookies. Let them cool on wire racks. Dip in milk, add to cereal, give to diabetics, or frost. Yield: if you don't eat all of the dough first, about three dozen. 69
  69. 69. Iyan Igma When You're Just Too Lazy to Bake You have my older sister to thank for giving me the building blocks of laziness. When I was just a wee bairn, she taught me how to mix peanut butter, Karo syrup, and oatmeal together to make... whatever it is. It's not exactly cereal, and it's not exactly a no-bake cookie. I can only describe it as good. What You Need, I Guess. I've Never Really Measured It. You Just Know When It's Right. 2 tablespoons peanut butter, crunchy is better ½ cup oatmeal, more or less enough Karo syrup to make it blend well A handful of raisins, optional A handful of coconut or almonds, s'il vous plait So, How Do I Make These Dadgum Things? That's a good question. So glad you asked. Put the oatmeal in a bowl. Add the peanut butter. Lick the spoon. Add the syrup, and the “other” stuff, if you desire. Mix with the spoon you just licked until all the oatmeal, etc., has been mixed in with the syrup and peanut butter. Eat. Have a glass of water or milk nearby, as you run the risk of getting your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth. Grapes will catch on fire in the microwave if you cut them in half, leaving a small bit of skin attaching both pieces. Lay them with the cut sides open on a plate (not paper,) and turn the microwave on for 30 seconds. Then, behold the wonder of fire! 70
  70. 70. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Credits: Photo 1: Carne Asada Photographer: Jon Sullivan http://public-domain- Public Domain Photo 2: Red savina habanero Photographer: Tambake the Jaguar CC Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License Photo 3: Pulled Pork Barbecue Photographer: Mike_el Madrileño CC by Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License Photo 4: BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich Photographer: Bucklava CC by Atribution Generic 2.0 License Photo 5: Cube Steak Photographer: tombothetominator CC by Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 6: Hobo Dinner Photographer: Oliliqui CC by Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License Photo 7: Biscuits Photographer: Avoir Chaud CC by Atribution General 2.0 License Photo 8: Cornbread Dressing Photographer: Elin B CC by Attribution 2.0 Generic License Photo 9: Pork Chop Photographer: stu spivack Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License 71
  71. 71. Iyan Igma Photo 10: Hamburger Photographer: uhuru1701 Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 11: Hotdogs Photographer: arndog ttp:// Attribution 2.0 Generic License Photo 12: Rolls Photographer: erin kkr Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License Photo 13: Horchata Photographer: photocapy Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 14: Fried Chicken Photographer: jetalone Attribution 2.0 Generic License Photo 15: Fried Eggs Photographer: House of Sims Attribution 2.0 Generic License Photo 16: Enchiladas Photographer: szlea Attribution 2.0 Generic License Photo 17: Pumpkin Pie Photographer: paul goyette Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 18: Peanut Butter Cookie Photographer: stu spivack Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 19: Melting chocolate Photographer: jessicafm Attribution 2.0 Generic License 72
  72. 72. It Probably Won't Kill You.... Photo 20: Fudge Brownie Photographer: avlxyz Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 21: Divinity Photographer: Nic at Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic License Photo 22: Cream Cheese Pound Cake Photographer: daveyll Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 23: Scones Photographer: octopushat Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License Photo 24: Chocolate Delight Photographer: kacey Attribution 2.0 Generic License Photo 25: Pecan Pie Photographer: Cynthia Closkey Attribution 2.0 Generic License Photo 26: Thumbprint Cookies Photographer: suavehouse113 Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License Photo 27: Peach Cobbler Photographer: dyanna Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.0 Generic License Photo 28: Sugar Cookie Photographer: lokate366 Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic License 73
  73. 73. Iyan Igma Tell Me More About This Mystic Chef Iyan had this pituitary growth disorder as a child, resulting in giantism. So, he was never knee-high to a grasshopper. But, he was helping around the kitchen ever since you were. Having lived on his own for many years now, he has mastered these simple family recipes that have been passed down from generation to generation, tinkering with them and adding a few of his own. He weighs a buck forty, and you know what they say about skinny chefs. He hates chicken and chocolate. He currently practices a vegan, raw food diet. After seeing this recipe book, you should fully understand why. If you wonder why he's not doing a raw food or vegan recipe book, it's because they are just not as fun to bastardize. Some say Iyan Igma wasn't hugged enough as a child. Others think that he's a prophet or visionary. Still others think he only has eight toes. Of course, those are just the people that live inside his head. The real Iyan Igma is a mischievous, meddling, mediocre megalomaniac who hails from South Georgia. Most people wouldn't think that he's as strange as his writings would make him appear. He likes peace and quiet, although he never gets any. He has been aptly described by Coby as one who apparently goes around breaking mirrors (purely in self-defense, though) and one who has no life. Iyan tries to miss a meal occasionally in order to pretend like he is a starving artist. Don't worry, he has no intentions of quitting his day job and starting a restaurant any time soon. 74
  74. 74. By Iyan Igma Adult Poetry & Short Fiction: 1. The Dementia of Iyan Igma (2008) 2. The Repressed Memories of Iyan Igma (2008) 3. More Heresies from Iyan Igma (2009) 4. Blather (2009) [Omnibus] 5. 笑玲 Smiling (2009)* 6. Rorschachs (2009)** Children's Books: 1. My Sun (2009) 2. How To Get Rid of Monsters (2009) 3. Mommy's Tired (2009) 4. Wizard Tears (2009) 5. The Turtle in the Millpond (2009) 6. Yaatoocheefenokee (2009) 7. Special Delivery (2009) 8. A Mother's Love (2009) 9. Defects (2009) 10. Assorted Silliness (2009) Children's Books for Adults: 1. There's a Conservative Outside My Window (2009) Fantasy Books 1. Leaving Belucía (2009) Cookbooks 1. It Probably Won't Kill You... (2009) Visit for the latest news and free downloads. *Smiling is a selection of some of the happier moments from the first three poetry books. **Rorshachs is an illustrated selection of the dark and twisted tales from the first three  poetry books.