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20 Years of First Dates

It's Just Lunch, premier matchmaking and dating service for busy professional singles, fills you in on what other singles want you to know.

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Twenty Years
       of
  First Dates
What Other Singles Want
     You to Know
Introduction
                                                  Celebrate 20 Years with Us By
                                                  Dating Smarter


                                                 T
                                                       wenty years ago, a Chicago woman found
                                                       herself suddenly single when her engagement
                                                       was abruptly called off. She began the search
                                                 to meet “normal,” well-educated professionals. Her
                                                 friends sent her out on blind dates, she tried per-
                                                 sonal ads, and contemplated video dating services,
                                                 but she wasn’t comfortable with any of those op-
 The Reason: Because you’d probably              tions. The ideal date, she decided, was a lunch date
 like to know why we’re giving you this free     or a drink after work–a fun, laid-back, stress free
 emagazine and what’s in it.                     way to meet other professional singles. Thus, It’s
                                                 Just Lunch was founded and the rest is history.


We Take Dating Personally
Twenty years later, with offices    tens of thousands of people,           where we ask singles for the
located throughout the United       we’ve received personal feed-          nitty-gritty on what’s impor-
States, Canada and the world,       back about almost every one            tant to them when it comes to
we know a thing or two about        of them. Not to mention the            finding romance. We’re written
dating. Actually, we probably       thousands of articles, blog            about everywhere, from the
know more than anyone else.         posts, and fifty books. Plus,          Wall Street Journal and Forbes
Not only have we set up over        we’re famous throughout the            to USA Today, and most recently
two million fun first dates for     world for our dating surveys           in Parade magazine.

                                    We’re about to reveal to you what the people you date are really thinking.
                                    It’s not our advice–it’s theirs–on chemistry, timing, what to talk about,
Our Dating Advice for               what makes a date successful, and what to avoid. We analyze the results
     You Comes from                 from a number of our surveys, and as usual, there are some big surprises,
                                    including one area where men and women seem to be switching roles.
       Other Singles
                                    So keep reading. Enjoy. Date better. It’s our way of thanking you for twenty
                                    great years.

                                    Here’s to more great dates that lead to possibilities.
                                                                                                        Warmly,


                                                                                                  It’s Just Lunch


                                                                                                             1
Dating Chemistry
                                                                                           The Reason: We know when it’s
                                                                                           there, and when it’s not-- but do we
                                                                                           know what it is? Here’s what’s even
                                                                                           more confusing: What you mean by
                                                                                           chemistry, and what your date means,
                                                                                           may be totally different. A couple
                                                                                           thousand singles have let us know
                                                                                           how they view it, so now we can tell
                                                                                           you. Their answers may surprise you.


                                                                                           “Chemistry has a mind of its own.
                                                                                           There are things you can do to invite
                                                                                           it, but it will only show up when it
                                                                                           wants to.”
                                                                                                         Sheri McCall,Dating Director
 “A chemical reaction happens when two chemicals are                                                          It’s Just Lunch Hartford
 combined and they transform into something altogether
 different.”

                                      Then, when we asked what people
Survey Says:                          look for in terms of measuring the
                                                                                               Detect a pattern yet?
66% of singles say that on a          success of a first date, the number                      Comfortable is definitely the magic
                                      one item, with 45% of the vote, was “I                   word. There are things you can do
first date, chemistry is more         felt comfortable being myself.”
important to them than compat-                                                                 to make someone feel more com-
ibility. But what do they mean           What First Date Success Means                         fortable. We give first date hints
by chemistry? Though 20% are                                                                   that will help, starting on page 4.
sparked by physical attractive-                                                                But there is only so much you can
ness, and 7% by flirty or sexy
                                                               8%                              do. There’s also a mysterious side
banter, the clear winner is nei-              29%                                              to being comfortable with some-
                                                                        15%
ther of those. Instead, it’s “feel-                                                            body that has nothing to do with
ing comfortable together,” the                                                                 any action you can take. It’s just
                                                                           4%                  umm . . . chemistry.
answer selected by 44% of our
singles–and surprisingly 49% of                I felt comfortable being myself                 The good news is–since that’s the
men. “Great conversation” was                              44%                                 case, you can’t really mess up a
the runner-up, selected by 28%.                                                                date. So you might as well relax
                                          4%, My date turned me on
                                                                                               and have fun.
                                         15%, There was never a lull in the conversation

                                          8%, We immediately agreed to see each other again

                                         29%, I walked away with a smile on my face



                                                                                                                                   2
First Impressions
 The Reason: More than half of                      getting ready for a first date
 singles decide whether they want                   usually takes:
 to see you again in the first twenty
 minutes. You’ve got to make a good
                                                    42% — 1 hour
 first impression–or avoid making a                 27% — 45 minutes
 bad one.                                           21% — 30 minutes
                                                     8% — 2 hours
The Two Biggest Impression                           2% — 15 minutes
Makers:
                                                     Forewarned is Forearmed
There are two top answers for what sin-
gles notice on a date. The first is whether          Time to talk about the items that may
or not you ask them questions about                  leave a bad impression with your date.
themselves. The second is how you treat              Some of them you can fix, others you
the people around you. So make an ef-                can’t, at least not before your next date.
fort to really find out about your date and
his or her life, especially their hobbies            First, let’s talk about instant turn-offs.
and interests. And be patient and kind               We asked about smoking, bad teeth, be-
with the folks serving your coffee or your           ing overweight and an unkempt appear-
meal.                                                ance. It’s much harder to change the first
                                                     three categories than it is to do a better
Each of those items are way more im-                 job grooming yourself. The good news,
portant to the impression you make than              if you have any of these issues, is that
what you wear or whether you pay or not.             no individual attribute is a deal breaker
                                                     for most singles. Whether you smoke,
Nonetheless, your date will notice how
                                                     have bad teeth or you’re overweight, the
put together you are. 77% of singles
                                                     majority of singles are likely to be okay
spend 45 minutes or more getting ready
                                                     with it as long as you have other desir-
for your date. So go ahead and make
                                                     able attributes.
your best effort as well. The extra time
you spend making yourself present-
                                                    Which of these automatically turns you off
able may give you an added confidence
                                                           to someone on a first date?
boost-- and confidence is something both
men and women find attractive.
                                                                              They
                                                                              appear
  “You don’t get a second chance to                             They smoke
                                                                   22%        unkempt
  make a first impression, so dress to                                            26%

  impress, be engaging and positive and
  remember to smile. And please, put                           They’re
                                                               overweight
  away your cell phone!”                                          25%        They have
                                                                             bad breath
          Stacy Stellmacher, Operations manager                                 27%


                      It’s Just Lunch Minneapolis



                                                                                                  3
First Impressions
Deal Breakers:
                                               What is the first date deal breaker for you?
We also looked at another set of deal
breakers, most of which can easily be                                                                      40%

changed, like answering a cell phone
during a date, being late, bad breath
and drinking too much. As uncomfort-                                                                       30%


able as these behaviors or issues
make people, the top answer was a                                    40%                               20%

different one, one that can’t really be
                                              20%
changed: 40% of singles chose “not                         21%
                                                                                                       10%
having any interests in common.” If
                                                                                14%
one of you loves mountain biking,          Bad breath
camping, and the outdoors, and the                      Too much                            6%
                                                                                                      0%

                                                        alcohol No common
other is a homebody who cherishes                                interests Answering the
cooking, a good movie, and a nice                                          cell phone    Tardiness
hotel, it may not be a match. But that’s
nobody’s fault, and there’s not much                Leave Your Coupon Home
you can do about it.
                                                    Groupon and its imitators offer half-off coupons for
                                                    many restaurants. It turns out that more than 60% of
                                                    singles think it’s tacky or cheap to use one on a date.
 If your date brought out a
                                                    Leave it home to use with a friend.
 coupon to pay for your first
 date, what would you think?                        First Impression Finals:
                                                    The last task that’s part of making a good impression
                                                    on a first date, and slightly thereafter, is how you ask
                                                    for a second get-together. Here’s how other singles
                                                    attempt to move things forward:
    Tacky
     39%                   Cheap
                             41%
                                                    how they ask for a second date
                                                    65% — A phone call
               Smart                                23% — Ask them straight out on the first date
                20%                                  8% — An email
                                                     3% — A text message
                                                     1% — Instant messenger




                                                                                                             4
Timing
 The Reason: Timing is everything.                  first date timing
 Isn’t it? We want to help you get your
 timing down by sharing what more than              For years we’ve been looking at how long it takes
 2000 singles told us about theirs.                 people to decide whether or not they want to see
                                                    someone again.
                                                    The answers are always fascinating. And they change
                                                    dramatically over time
                                                    First off, let’s look at what’s happening currently with
                                                    the entire survey group.




                                                                                     5       minutes.


                                                                                          12.6% of singles decide
                                                                                          whether or not to see a
                                                                                          date again in 5 minutes.


                                                                  On a first date how much time do
                                                                  you need before you decide if you
                                                                  want to see your date again?


An amazing 57% of the people you date                                                5 minutes
                                                                                7%
decide whether or not to see you again in the                              3%          13%
first twenty minutes!
But singles under forty are even faster! In a                    An hour
survey we conducted with American Way, the                        33%

in-flight magazine of American Airlines, 20% of
21-39 year olds said they only take five minutes.                                       20 minutes

If you are seeing people under forty, that’s one                                             45%

in five of your dates.

                                                                 3%, I always agree to see someone again
                                                                 7%, Over an hour


                                                                                                                5
Timing
 Are Men And Women Reversing Roles?
                                      One of the more fascinating things we’re seeing is that the length of
                                      time it takes to decide whether or not to go out with someone again
                                      has changed over the last seven years for both men and women. It
                                      turns out, currently, women and men are quite similar in their ap-
                                      proach to deciding on a second date. But in 2004, there was a huge
                                      disparity between the sexes. Back then, 64% of women took at least
                                      an hour to decide whether or not to go on a second date with a man.
                                      Now, 56% of women are deciding in the first twenty minutes or less.

               How Long Does It Take You To Decide Whether
                 Or Not You Want To See Someone Again?
                                                                                                  50%

                                      46%


     Women
     Men                                                                                         37.5%




                                                     27%
                                44%                                                           25%


                                              35%
                          14%

                    11%                                                                      12.5%


                 5 Minutes
                                                             8%      7%
                                20 Minutes
                                              An hour                                5%
                                                                                            0%
                                                           Over an hour     2%

                                                                        I always agree to see
And if we time travel again with men back to 2004, 79% of the guys on a someone
first date took only 15 minutes to make up their minds whether to ask a
woman out again. That means only 21% took longer than that.
But our latest statistics show that 34% of the guys take an hour or more.
So men and women, polar opposites a mere seven years ago, have just
about met in the middle.



                                                                                                         6
Timing
Looking for a Relationship                             how long do you wait to
                                                       schedule a second date?
or a Second Date?                                      39% — Within 48 hours

W      e were pretty sure that men and
       women would have different per-
centages on this topic. And we were right
                                                       35% — Within 24 hours
                                                       13% — Within 72 hours
                                                        9% — Right after the date
about that. But there was a surprise, too.
We posed the question “When you are                     4% — A week
on a first date, what is going through your
head?”                                          Top two things they’re thinking about on
One gender’s top answer was “Do I want          your date
to see him/her again?”
                                                                                Women                  60%
The other gender’s biggest response was
                                                                                Men
“Could we have a relationship together?”                                                               45%

But which sex said which?
                                               51%
Would you believe that men are the ones                                                            30%

who are more pre-occupied with the idea                 36%
of a future relationship? Well, they are.                                 39%         45%
                                                                                                  15%
Who would have guessed?

And, of course, kissing is a matter of        Do I want to see                                    0%

timing, too.                                  him/her again?
                                                                    Could we have a relationship
                                                                    together?
  First date went well, would you be open to
  kissing at the end of the date?
                                                      Tip
          No                                          “When it comes to dating, we may all
         22%                                          want to try to slow things down, relax
                                                      some of our rules, and give people a
                                                      bit of a chance before we come to a
                                                      final conclusion about them. Life has
                                                      a way of pleasantly surprising you if
                                                      you are patient.” 
                       Yes                                                        Irene LaCota
                                                                                It’s Just Lunch
                       78%




                                                                                                        7
Wordplay
 The Reason: The right words can             “Have fun! Don’t over-analyze every word,
 build your connection a little at a time.   conversation, text or call. Over-thinking may ruin
 The wrong ones can instantaneously          something before it has a chance to begin.”
 jettison you back to the dating pool.
                                                                                Molly Kane, Client Director
                                                                                    It’s Just Lunch Seattle



A Thousand Words
When it comes to a first date, talk
isn’t cheap. In fact, it’s the most
valuable factor in determining
compatibility, according to 36%
of singles. It turns out that you
might want to spruce up your
conversation starters as well as
your appearance before you head
to that coffee shop or restaurant.




When you think of compatibility
on a first date, which do you think
is the most important component?
                                                Ready, Set, Talk                3. Ask open-ended ques-
                                                                                tions that evoke a response
                                                When it comes to a first        beyond yes or no.
                                                date, here are five tips to
           15%
                                                help your conversation          4. Try learning five jokes
                          25%                   sparkle and keep your foot      that are clean and not
                     Physical comfort                                           demeaning to anyone. This
                     with each other            out of your mouth:
                                                                                may take a while, but it’s
     23%                                        1. Keep up with current         actually a useful tool in
                                                events so you can talk          many situations.
                                                intelligently about major
                 Easy conversation              developments                    5. Remember something
                     37%                                                        he or she said and relate
                                                2. When you talk about          it to something that’s said
                                                yourself, keep it positive.     later in the conversation.
  15%, Shared outlook on life                   Stick to your best attributes   This is a great way to show
  23%, Similar personal styles and              and the interests you’re        what a wonderful listener
  habits                                        most passionate about.          you are.


                                                                                                              8
Wordplay
      Something to Talk About                                    First date talking turn-offs
Most singles agree with the advice that Bloody
Mary, a character from the musical South
Pacific, gives in her famous song, “Happy Talk:”
“Talk about things you’d like to do.” 52% say                                     4%
that your hobbies and interests are the easi-                                               14%
est and best topics for a first date. But if you’ve                     18%
been to the South Pacific, feel free to mention
that, too. 24% of singles think travel makes for
good conversation during your initial outing.
                                                                     Money
                                                                      14%

                                                                                       His/her past conquests

What are the easiest/best topics                                                               49%

for conversation on a first date?

                                                                       18%, His/her ailments
                                                                       14%, Politics/religion
                  6%    8%                                              4%, The future


                                   Travel

                                   24%                 DANGER ZONE
   Hobbies/Interests

      52%                                             DO NOT ENTER into a conversation about the following
                                                      topics if you want to avoid alienating your date: previous
                                                      romantic conquests and physical ailments. Those are the
                              10%                     top two subjects most singles dislike hearing about.




          10%, Family
           8%, Movies
           6%, Food
                                                               40        percent of singles believe talk-
                                                                         ing about your ex is the biggest
                                                                         “don’t”on a first date.




                                                                                                                   9
Hints For Him
 The Reason: Everybody needs a
 reminder now and then, and there’s
 always something you can do a little
 better.



 Ten Things Women Expect

1     Smile the minute you see her. After  
      all, she was nice enough to agree to
meet with you-- and she actually showed
up. This will help her feel comfortable
with you, which as we’ve mentioned, is
an important part of chemistry. Plus it’ll
make you feel good, too. According to a
blog post by Ron Gutman on Forbes.com,
British researchers have reported that a
smile provides the same positive stimula-       “The most common feedback I get from women
tion to the brain as 2000 chocolate bars--      after dates they’ve particularly enjoyed is that
or $25,000.                                     the gentlemen was a great conversationalist.
                                                He had the ability to listen to what she was
2      Have topics of conversation in  
       mind. Almost one-third of the wom-
en we surveyed measure chemistry by
                                                saying and keep the conversation flowing.” 
                                                                         Anton Jones, Dating Director
how great the conversation is. If you want                                     It’s Just Lunch Detroit
to look good, then be ready with some
subjects to talk about. But don’t just talk:
LISTEN. An enjoyable conversation is a
fifty-fifty proposition. BONUS POINTS: If
you know what she’s interested in, do
                                               4    Get there five minutes early. Being on time  
                                                    shows respect. But showing up a little early
                                               lets you be there when she arrives. It’s much
a little homework so you can talk about        more relaxing for her to see you when she gets
those subjects.                                there, rather than to have to wait for you.

3      Be aware of your body language.  
       This will also help her feel comfort-
able. Don’t be too stand-offish, as in
                                               5    Treat her like a lady. Hold doors open. Pull  
                                                    out her chair. She’ll see your old-fashioned
                                               good manners as a positive trait. But do it in a
sitting back with your arms folded across      relaxed manner, like you do this every day, rather
your chest. Leaning in shows interest. But     than trying too hard.
not too far–you don’t want to invade her
space. Also, make plenty of eye contact.




                                                                                                         10
Hints For Him
6     Treat everyone you see or speak  
      about with respect. Like a job
interview, a first date is a microcosm
                                                                               Survey Says:
of who you are. And women instinc-         one of the most important things i notice on a
tively know this. If you are disrespect-
ful to the wait staff, they know that
                                           first date is:
eventually you will treat them the         39% — How they treat the wait staff or other people 		
same way. If you are disparaging                 around us
about an ex or someone else in your        38% — Did they ask me questions about myself?
life, they know that you could easily be
                                           16% — How much effort they put into their appearance
negative about them, too. Stay posi-
tive. Women are watching.                   6% — If my date offers to pay
                                            1% — How much my date tips the wait staff
7     Give her a sincere compliment.  
      This is a great way to make your
date feel more comfortable. But make

                                                                       10
it subtle, not over the top.                                                     Have a sense of humor.  

8     Be confident. We hear time and                                             There’s a reason speakers
      again that women like confident                                  tell jokes at the beginning of a
guys. And if you’ve ever been with a                                   speech. Laughter takes you from the
group of guys and a pretty girl, you’ve                                analytical, judgmental left side of the
seen that the confident guy gets the                                   brain, to the creative, intuitive, right
most attention. Here’s a tip if you                                    side. Once you make someone laugh,
need a little boost in the self-assur-                                 they’re more open to you. So when
ance area. When you go on a date,                                      you spot an opportunity to make her
instead of wondering ‘Will she like                                    laugh, go for it. But keep it clean!
me?’ Turn it around and think, ‘Will I
like her?’


9     Make eye contact. 29% of singles 
      say that eye contact is the number
one way to show that you’re confident.       “The two most important characteristics I’ve seen in my
It’s the best way to let a woman know        successful clients are confidence and a positive attitude. It
you’re truly paying attention to her.        doesn’t matter who you are or what you are looking for. If you
Plus the eyes are said to be the win-        feel good about yourself, it’s a lot easier for other people to
dows of the soul, so look into hers,         feel good about you, too. If you are positive and enjoy life, you
and she won’t be able to help looking        will not only enjoy the dating process more, but you’ll also
into yours.                                  become more appealing, meaning you’ll probably find your
                                             significant other a lot sooner.” 
                                                                              Krista White, Director of Operations
                                                                                   It’s Just Lunch Washington DC




                                                                                                              11
Hints For Her
 The Reason: Because we commu-
 nicate with more single men than any
 of the women’s magazines you read or
 any of the TV talk shows you watch.


   Ten Things Guys Expect

1     Dress Like You’re Interested. Men  
      are visual, and they are aware when
a woman is wearing something a little
special. Guys notice, for example, when
you dress in colors that are especially             What character trait do you look
flattering to you or wear something that’s
                                                    for in someone you date?
just a little showy. And it makes them feel
like you’re interested in them.                     34% — Kindness
                                                    19% — Intelligence
2      Be On Time. It’s a sign of respect in  
       all situations, but especially on a
first date. Some guys will take it person-
                                                    14% — Confidence
                                                      6% — Ambition
ally when you’re late, and you won’t see
                                                      2% — Humor
them at their best. For certain women,
it’s easy to be on time. But if you’re                                    What Not To Wear
always late, pretend your dates are job
                                                    You may think some of these items are appealing, but the
interviews for a million dollar job.                men surveyed will tell you otherwise.

3     Be Kind. According to 34% of the  
      more than 2000 singles we sur-
veyed, it turns out that kindness is the
                                                     Men: What article of women’s clothing is the biggest turnoff for you?
                                                                                                     0%         10%     20%    30%      40%

most important character trait, more
                                                                                  Uggs
important than even intelligence and                                                           5%


confidence. So lead with kindness, and                                 Baby doll dresses            12%
be kind to everyone you interact with
                                                                    Loose baggy sweats
during your date, including him.                                                                                  38%
                                                                         Too much jewelry



4     Stay Positive. Even about yourself.                                                                 21%

                                                 It doesn’t matter if I can imagine her body
      You make a better impression when                                                               15%


you leave out negative remarks about
your ex, your boss, and even your neigh-                  “Look at each date as an opportunity to learn
bor. But it’s also important not to be                    more about yourself”
disparaging about yourself. Guys want to
be around women who like themselves.                                                                      Sara French, Managing Director
                                                                                                                   It’s Just Lunch Seattle



                                                                                                                                      12
Hints For Her
men: what is the MOST attrac-
tive feature of opposite sex
52% — Smile
37% — Eyes
  6% — Backside
  5% — Hair


5     Show Your Sense of Humor.
      Dating’s more fun when you don’t
take it too seriously. Plus humor will help
him open up, too. A little back and forth
joking is a form of play and will make it
easier for you both to get to know each
other.


6     Make Eye Contact. Let him know
      that you’re paying attention. Eye
contact shows confidence and creates a
                                              9
                                               Share Your Opinions  
                                              Without Making it             10     Let Out Your Softer  
                                                                                   Side. If you’re open
                                          Seem Like a Debate. Most        and vulnerable, it will make
nice connection.                          guys like bright women. But     it easier for him to be that

7     Smile. According to our surveys,    when they’re having coffee,     way, too. The two of you will
      52% of singles think a smile is the lunch or drinks, they’re more have a much more emotion-
most attractive feature of the opposite   interested in feeling comfort- ally satisfying connection if
sex. Plus it will make both of you feel   able with you than in having    you both let your hair down
good. If those aren’t enough reasons,     an intellectual debate. So      and show your humanity.
check out Hints For Him on page 4.        share your opinions freely in
                                          a gentle way, and if there’s

8     Find a Reason to Compliment Him.  a subject you butt heads
      Underneath it all, even the tough- on, find a diplomatic way to
est guy is pleased when he gets a com- change topics.
pliment from a woman. And knowing you
like something about him will put him at
ease, and make him feel comfortable with
                                                “Make a conscious choice to give off a
you, which, as mentioned previously, is
                                                warm and approachable energy, and you
the number one aspect of chemistry for
                                                will radiate attraction.”
most singles.
                                                                    Presley Mulvaney, Client Coordinator
                                                                                 It’s Just Lunch Seattle




                                                                                                           13
Get Your Flirt On
  The Reason: It’s fun. It’s           they are. Most people only inquire     immediately when you feel a con-
  interesting. It adds an element      about the surface of things. Your      nection.
  of excitement to any date. And       dates will enjoy it if you take the
  it’s a ritual that’s been bringing   conversation to a deeper level.        Next, Give a Compliment
  men and women together since         Ask them why they like what they
                                                                              A compliment received after eye
  Adam and Eve.                        like, and how they wound up
                                                                              contact and a smile feels more
                                       doing the things they do. It will
                                                                              intimate than when it’s just given
                                       develop a sense of closeness and
The Flirting                                                                  any old time. This is the moment
                                       comfort.
Process                                                                                      to say something
                                                                                             subtle that still
Everyone likes being
                                                                                             let’s him or her
flirted with. It brings a
                                                                                             know you’re feel-
level of intimacy that
                                                                                             ing an attraction.
takes things out of
the friend zone into                                                                         Tell It Like
something a bit more                                                                         It Is
romantic. Here are ten
ways to add a little flirt                                                                    Being vulnerable
to any date–or even                                                                           and honest is the
any conversation.                                                                             slam-dunk, sexi-
                                                                                              est thing a man
Connect to                                                                                    or woman can
Yourself First                                                                                be. Getting “real”
                                                                                              with someone will
Flirting works best
                                                                                              make you stand
when you are not only
                                                                                              out from everyone
aware of the other per-
                                                                                              else they date. It
son, but also aware of your own
                                       Listen Attentively                     also will make it easier for your
body--instead of in your head,
                                                                              date to be open and vulnerable
thinking the whole time. Take a        Being a good listener is a potent      with you. Just don’t get too per-
few seconds to connect to your-        aphrodisiac. Everyone loves the        sonal.
self. The simplest way is to no-       feeling of being fully seen and
tice what your feet feel like, and     heard.
then your hands. You get bonus
points for becoming aware of your      Make Meaningful Eye
breathing and your heartbeat.          Contact and Smile
Look for the Why and the               This 1-2 punch transports these
How                                    simple actions from the realm of
                                       friendship to the world of flirting.
People love it when you ask ques-      Let your eyes linger on his or hers
tions that let them show you who       while you’re talking, then smile


                                                                                                            14
Get Your Flirt On
Laugh
One of the best ways to show off your sense
of humor is by appreciating theirs. Ask any
performer: Genuine laughter brings a greater
sense of approval than even applause.

Be Enthusiatic
As a flirt, you want the person you’re flirting
with to feel good about you and to experience
you as a fun, happy, great-to-be-with person.
The easiest way to make that happen is to
really let yourself enjoy your date, no matter
what happens. If you seem like you’re glad to
be there, they will be glad to be there too.
                                                    Your Date’s Going Well. What Signals Do
Draw Them In                                        You Give Off That You Are Interested?
Lean forward, not because you want to show
off your muscles or your cleavage, but to
convey interest. Talk to them actively, showing
that you like them. Then start talking more
quietly and intimately. They’ll need to get                                       Lean in close
                                                        Compliment your date
closer to hear you, so draw them in with your                                         18%
                                                            24%
voice. Guys, gauge her “personal zone” and
then encroach on it just an inch. Leaning in
too far can seem too forceful.

Touch Him or Her                                         9%
The sense of touch heightens during flirt-                  3%
ing and can actually send tingles through a                       Give your undivided attention to your date
person’s body. Realize this power and watch
for ways to use it. Once you’ve become com-                                          46%
fortable, lightly brush shoulders, or touch their
hand or arm if they say something funny.

                                                      9%, Share intimate knowledge
                                                      about yourself
                                                      3%, Offer a taste of food




                                                                                                               15
2nd Chance at
                           Chemistry?
 Have you ever had a bad or lukewarm first
 date lead to a longer term relationship?                        The Reason: Some people,
                                                                 even though they try their best,
                                                                 just can’t relax until the second
                                                          60%    date. Or maybe last time they
                                                                 were having a bad day and you
                                                          45%    didn’t get to see who they really
                                                                 were.
                         Never
                         59.91%                         30%
                                     Once or
                                      more                      “Change things up by turning the
                                      36.71%          15%       second date into a physical activity
        3.38%                                                   like golf, tennis, or bike riding. A num-
                                                     0%         ber of people find it easier to open up
       Yes, quite often                                         and connect with someone new when
                                                                they’re moving around.”

Second Date Bad News:                                                        Pamela Lanier, Senior Director
                                                                                 It’s Just Lunch Columbus
You may be fighting an uphill battle even if he or she agrees
to go out with you again. 52% of our respondents have
agreed to go on a second date just to be nice, even though      Survey Says:
they didn’t want to. One interesting note: This question
resulted in one of the widest splits between men and            It doesn’t happen all the time, but
women. 57% of women had done this and 42% of men.               more than one-third of our singles
                                                                report that they have had a bad or
                                                                lukewarm date lead to a longer term
                                                                relationship. So if someone shows
                                                                interest in going out with you again,
                                                        100%    consider saying yes. Maybe they see
                No                                              something you don’t.
                47.77%
                                                      75%

                                                                 “I encourage my clients to always
                                                     50%         pursue a second date if they’re on
                Yes                                              the fence after date one. Most people
                52.23%                                           relax and show their true colors on
                                                    25%
                                                                 the second date.”

                                                   0%                          Molly Kane, Client Director
                                                                                   It’s Just Lunch Seattle

         2nd Date Just to Be Nice?

                                                                                                      16
Think Out of the Box
                                                    The Reason: You’re a different person than
                                                    you were during your last relationship. Your dating
                                                    preferences may have evolved as well. The love of
                                                    your life may be out there in a somewhat different
                                                    form than what you previously imagined.




                                                      How to Make Dating More Fun
                                                     Stay open to a wider variety of people and date more.
                                                     Over and over we see that our clients who are willing
                                                     to do this have the most matches, the best time and
 Get Current With Yourself                           the greatest success.


One          way to open up to wider dating          We know. There are a lot of reasons to rule people
             possibilities is to mentally update     out.
who you’ve become since your last round of           On the other hand, not everything you think is im-
dating. Here are some questions to think about:      portant really is. Here’s one way to test how strongly
•	 Why are you dating again? Is it for a long-       you feel about an issue in terms of your next rela-
   term relationship or are you looking to date      tionship. Ask yourself this:
   recreationally?                                   If I met someone and I was attracted to them, and
•	 What do you have to offer that may be             they made me feel truly loved–would it matter that
   different from the last time you dated?           they were ________?

•	 Are there things you want to do differently       Fill in the blank with each of your parameters for
   this time? What are they?                         ruling someone out.

•	 What do you hope to gain from meeting             You might be thinking--”Okay, but I could never be
   new people?                                       attracted to someone who was ______.”
                                                     That may be true. But maybe not.




                             “I’d rather be happy than right”
                                                          Douglas Adams
                                       Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe




                                                                                                          17
Think Out Of The Box
Caroline, was an HR Professional and an avid           Some of the things you think you value the most
skier. She was smart, engaging and gorgeous            may not be as important to you as it is to be
with a great sense of humor. One of her deal           truly loved.
breakers was that she didn’t want to date men          Maybe he doesn’t need to love animals as
with children, even though she had a son of            much as you. Maybe she doesn’t need to be
her own. Then along came John, a successful            willing to cook. Maybe the two of you don’t need
business owner and a great dad to two young            to share identical spiritual beliefs. Just respect-
sons. I could tell that John and Caroline were         ing each other’s point of view might be enough.
perfect for each other.
                                                       On the other hand, if you have a child who lives
The problem was John’s kids; I called Caroline         with you, then you definitely need someone who
and told her what a great fit he was. She              likes kids.
decided to go ahead and meet him.                      Honor your deal breakers--but test to see if they
                                                       really are hard and fast rules.
They’ve now been dating for about six months
and John recently called me to thank me for
seeing their “couple potential.” Not only are
they still happy together, it turns out Caroline
is thrilled that her son has someone the same
age to play with.                                       Expert Advice: “One trait that Seattle’s
                                                        most successful clients possess is that they
                      Brenna Rick, Elite Coordinator
                         It’s Just Lunch Minneapolis    are very open when it comes to meeting
                                                        people from different areas of Western Wash-
                                                        ington. Location doesn’t really matter if there
                                                        is some apparent chemistry or connection
How many hours a week do you devote to                  on the first date. A prime example: Jeff and
looking for dates (not including going out              Cheryl who were recently married through us.
on the actual date)?                                    Jeff lived the urban life in the city and had his
                                                        small business not far from his home. Cheryl
                                                        lived and worked 60 miles outside the city
             3%
                                                        in a small town. Jeff was skeptical, but open
     3-6 hours   2%                                     to making the drive south to meet Cheryl for
        13%
                                                        their first date. The two really hit it off and
                           0 hours                      neither mentioned the distance in their feed-
                             41%                        back. Two years later, they are now married
                                                        and Jeff packed up his urban life and moved
                                                        to the country to be with Cheryl!”
     1-3 hours
       42%
                                                                       Jillian Arbow, Senior Client Coordinator
                                      3%, 7-10 hours                                    It’s Just Lunch Seattle
                                      2%, 10 hours


                                                                                                             18

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20 Years of First Dates

  • 1. Twenty Years of First Dates What Other Singles Want You to Know
  • 2. Introduction Celebrate 20 Years with Us By Dating Smarter T wenty years ago, a Chicago woman found herself suddenly single when her engagement was abruptly called off. She began the search to meet “normal,” well-educated professionals. Her friends sent her out on blind dates, she tried per- sonal ads, and contemplated video dating services, but she wasn’t comfortable with any of those op- The Reason: Because you’d probably tions. The ideal date, she decided, was a lunch date like to know why we’re giving you this free or a drink after work–a fun, laid-back, stress free emagazine and what’s in it. way to meet other professional singles. Thus, It’s Just Lunch was founded and the rest is history. We Take Dating Personally Twenty years later, with offices tens of thousands of people, where we ask singles for the located throughout the United we’ve received personal feed- nitty-gritty on what’s impor- States, Canada and the world, back about almost every one tant to them when it comes to we know a thing or two about of them. Not to mention the finding romance. We’re written dating. Actually, we probably thousands of articles, blog about everywhere, from the know more than anyone else. posts, and fifty books. Plus, Wall Street Journal and Forbes Not only have we set up over we’re famous throughout the to USA Today, and most recently two million fun first dates for world for our dating surveys in Parade magazine. We’re about to reveal to you what the people you date are really thinking. It’s not our advice–it’s theirs–on chemistry, timing, what to talk about, Our Dating Advice for what makes a date successful, and what to avoid. We analyze the results You Comes from from a number of our surveys, and as usual, there are some big surprises, including one area where men and women seem to be switching roles. Other Singles So keep reading. Enjoy. Date better. It’s our way of thanking you for twenty great years. Here’s to more great dates that lead to possibilities. Warmly, It’s Just Lunch 1
  • 3. Dating Chemistry The Reason: We know when it’s there, and when it’s not-- but do we know what it is? Here’s what’s even more confusing: What you mean by chemistry, and what your date means, may be totally different. A couple thousand singles have let us know how they view it, so now we can tell you. Their answers may surprise you. “Chemistry has a mind of its own. There are things you can do to invite it, but it will only show up when it wants to.” Sheri McCall,Dating Director “A chemical reaction happens when two chemicals are It’s Just Lunch Hartford combined and they transform into something altogether different.” Then, when we asked what people Survey Says: look for in terms of measuring the Detect a pattern yet? 66% of singles say that on a success of a first date, the number Comfortable is definitely the magic one item, with 45% of the vote, was “I word. There are things you can do first date, chemistry is more felt comfortable being myself.” important to them than compat- to make someone feel more com- ibility. But what do they mean What First Date Success Means fortable. We give first date hints by chemistry? Though 20% are that will help, starting on page 4. sparked by physical attractive- But there is only so much you can ness, and 7% by flirty or sexy 8% do. There’s also a mysterious side banter, the clear winner is nei- 29% to being comfortable with some- 15% ther of those. Instead, it’s “feel- body that has nothing to do with ing comfortable together,” the any action you can take. It’s just 4% umm . . . chemistry. answer selected by 44% of our singles–and surprisingly 49% of I felt comfortable being myself The good news is–since that’s the men. “Great conversation” was 44% case, you can’t really mess up a the runner-up, selected by 28%. date. So you might as well relax 4%, My date turned me on and have fun. 15%, There was never a lull in the conversation 8%, We immediately agreed to see each other again 29%, I walked away with a smile on my face 2
  • 4. First Impressions The Reason: More than half of getting ready for a first date singles decide whether they want usually takes: to see you again in the first twenty minutes. You’ve got to make a good 42% — 1 hour first impression–or avoid making a 27% — 45 minutes bad one. 21% — 30 minutes 8% — 2 hours The Two Biggest Impression 2% — 15 minutes Makers: Forewarned is Forearmed There are two top answers for what sin- gles notice on a date. The first is whether Time to talk about the items that may or not you ask them questions about leave a bad impression with your date. themselves. The second is how you treat Some of them you can fix, others you the people around you. So make an ef- can’t, at least not before your next date. fort to really find out about your date and his or her life, especially their hobbies First, let’s talk about instant turn-offs. and interests. And be patient and kind We asked about smoking, bad teeth, be- with the folks serving your coffee or your ing overweight and an unkempt appear- meal. ance. It’s much harder to change the first three categories than it is to do a better Each of those items are way more im- job grooming yourself. The good news, portant to the impression you make than if you have any of these issues, is that what you wear or whether you pay or not. no individual attribute is a deal breaker for most singles. Whether you smoke, Nonetheless, your date will notice how have bad teeth or you’re overweight, the put together you are. 77% of singles majority of singles are likely to be okay spend 45 minutes or more getting ready with it as long as you have other desir- for your date. So go ahead and make able attributes. your best effort as well. The extra time you spend making yourself present- Which of these automatically turns you off able may give you an added confidence to someone on a first date? boost-- and confidence is something both men and women find attractive. They appear “You don’t get a second chance to They smoke 22% unkempt make a first impression, so dress to 26% impress, be engaging and positive and remember to smile. And please, put They’re overweight away your cell phone!” 25% They have bad breath Stacy Stellmacher, Operations manager 27% It’s Just Lunch Minneapolis 3
  • 5. First Impressions Deal Breakers: What is the first date deal breaker for you? We also looked at another set of deal breakers, most of which can easily be 40% changed, like answering a cell phone during a date, being late, bad breath and drinking too much. As uncomfort- 30% able as these behaviors or issues make people, the top answer was a 40% 20% different one, one that can’t really be 20% changed: 40% of singles chose “not 21% 10% having any interests in common.” If 14% one of you loves mountain biking, Bad breath camping, and the outdoors, and the Too much 6% 0% alcohol No common other is a homebody who cherishes interests Answering the cooking, a good movie, and a nice cell phone Tardiness hotel, it may not be a match. But that’s nobody’s fault, and there’s not much Leave Your Coupon Home you can do about it. Groupon and its imitators offer half-off coupons for many restaurants. It turns out that more than 60% of singles think it’s tacky or cheap to use one on a date. If your date brought out a Leave it home to use with a friend. coupon to pay for your first date, what would you think? First Impression Finals: The last task that’s part of making a good impression on a first date, and slightly thereafter, is how you ask for a second get-together. Here’s how other singles attempt to move things forward: Tacky 39% Cheap 41% how they ask for a second date 65% — A phone call Smart 23% — Ask them straight out on the first date 20% 8% — An email 3% — A text message 1% — Instant messenger 4
  • 6. Timing The Reason: Timing is everything. first date timing Isn’t it? We want to help you get your timing down by sharing what more than For years we’ve been looking at how long it takes 2000 singles told us about theirs. people to decide whether or not they want to see someone again. The answers are always fascinating. And they change dramatically over time First off, let’s look at what’s happening currently with the entire survey group. 5 minutes. 12.6% of singles decide whether or not to see a date again in 5 minutes. On a first date how much time do you need before you decide if you want to see your date again? An amazing 57% of the people you date 5 minutes 7% decide whether or not to see you again in the 3% 13% first twenty minutes! But singles under forty are even faster! In a An hour survey we conducted with American Way, the 33% in-flight magazine of American Airlines, 20% of 21-39 year olds said they only take five minutes. 20 minutes If you are seeing people under forty, that’s one 45% in five of your dates. 3%, I always agree to see someone again 7%, Over an hour 5
  • 7. Timing Are Men And Women Reversing Roles? One of the more fascinating things we’re seeing is that the length of time it takes to decide whether or not to go out with someone again has changed over the last seven years for both men and women. It turns out, currently, women and men are quite similar in their ap- proach to deciding on a second date. But in 2004, there was a huge disparity between the sexes. Back then, 64% of women took at least an hour to decide whether or not to go on a second date with a man. Now, 56% of women are deciding in the first twenty minutes or less. How Long Does It Take You To Decide Whether Or Not You Want To See Someone Again? 50% 46% Women Men 37.5% 27% 44% 25% 35% 14% 11% 12.5% 5 Minutes 8% 7% 20 Minutes An hour 5% 0% Over an hour 2% I always agree to see And if we time travel again with men back to 2004, 79% of the guys on a someone first date took only 15 minutes to make up their minds whether to ask a woman out again. That means only 21% took longer than that. But our latest statistics show that 34% of the guys take an hour or more. So men and women, polar opposites a mere seven years ago, have just about met in the middle. 6
  • 8. Timing Looking for a Relationship how long do you wait to schedule a second date? or a Second Date? 39% — Within 48 hours W e were pretty sure that men and women would have different per- centages on this topic. And we were right 35% — Within 24 hours 13% — Within 72 hours 9% — Right after the date about that. But there was a surprise, too. We posed the question “When you are 4% — A week on a first date, what is going through your head?” Top two things they’re thinking about on One gender’s top answer was “Do I want your date to see him/her again?” Women 60% The other gender’s biggest response was Men “Could we have a relationship together?” 45% But which sex said which? 51% Would you believe that men are the ones 30% who are more pre-occupied with the idea 36% of a future relationship? Well, they are. 39% 45% 15% Who would have guessed? And, of course, kissing is a matter of Do I want to see 0% timing, too. him/her again? Could we have a relationship together? First date went well, would you be open to kissing at the end of the date? Tip No “When it comes to dating, we may all 22% want to try to slow things down, relax some of our rules, and give people a bit of a chance before we come to a final conclusion about them. Life has a way of pleasantly surprising you if you are patient.”  Yes Irene LaCota It’s Just Lunch 78% 7
  • 9. Wordplay The Reason: The right words can “Have fun! Don’t over-analyze every word, build your connection a little at a time. conversation, text or call. Over-thinking may ruin The wrong ones can instantaneously something before it has a chance to begin.” jettison you back to the dating pool. Molly Kane, Client Director It’s Just Lunch Seattle A Thousand Words When it comes to a first date, talk isn’t cheap. In fact, it’s the most valuable factor in determining compatibility, according to 36% of singles. It turns out that you might want to spruce up your conversation starters as well as your appearance before you head to that coffee shop or restaurant. When you think of compatibility on a first date, which do you think is the most important component? Ready, Set, Talk 3. Ask open-ended ques- tions that evoke a response When it comes to a first beyond yes or no. date, here are five tips to 15% help your conversation 4. Try learning five jokes 25% sparkle and keep your foot that are clean and not Physical comfort demeaning to anyone. This with each other out of your mouth: may take a while, but it’s 23% 1. Keep up with current actually a useful tool in events so you can talk many situations. intelligently about major Easy conversation developments 5. Remember something 37% he or she said and relate 2. When you talk about it to something that’s said yourself, keep it positive. later in the conversation. 15%, Shared outlook on life Stick to your best attributes This is a great way to show 23%, Similar personal styles and and the interests you’re what a wonderful listener habits most passionate about. you are. 8
  • 10. Wordplay Something to Talk About First date talking turn-offs Most singles agree with the advice that Bloody Mary, a character from the musical South Pacific, gives in her famous song, “Happy Talk:” “Talk about things you’d like to do.” 52% say 4% that your hobbies and interests are the easi- 14% est and best topics for a first date. But if you’ve 18% been to the South Pacific, feel free to mention that, too. 24% of singles think travel makes for good conversation during your initial outing. Money 14% His/her past conquests What are the easiest/best topics 49% for conversation on a first date? 18%, His/her ailments 14%, Politics/religion 6% 8% 4%, The future Travel 24% DANGER ZONE Hobbies/Interests 52% DO NOT ENTER into a conversation about the following topics if you want to avoid alienating your date: previous romantic conquests and physical ailments. Those are the 10% top two subjects most singles dislike hearing about. 10%, Family 8%, Movies 6%, Food 40 percent of singles believe talk- ing about your ex is the biggest “don’t”on a first date. 9
  • 11. Hints For Him The Reason: Everybody needs a reminder now and then, and there’s always something you can do a little better. Ten Things Women Expect 1   Smile the minute you see her. After     all, she was nice enough to agree to meet with you-- and she actually showed up. This will help her feel comfortable with you, which as we’ve mentioned, is an important part of chemistry. Plus it’ll make you feel good, too. According to a blog post by Ron Gutman on Forbes.com, British researchers have reported that a smile provides the same positive stimula- “The most common feedback I get from women tion to the brain as 2000 chocolate bars-- after dates they’ve particularly enjoyed is that or $25,000. the gentlemen was a great conversationalist. He had the ability to listen to what she was 2   Have topics of conversation in     mind. Almost one-third of the wom- en we surveyed measure chemistry by saying and keep the conversation flowing.”  Anton Jones, Dating Director how great the conversation is. If you want It’s Just Lunch Detroit to look good, then be ready with some subjects to talk about. But don’t just talk: LISTEN. An enjoyable conversation is a fifty-fifty proposition. BONUS POINTS: If you know what she’s interested in, do 4   Get there five minutes early. Being on time     shows respect. But showing up a little early lets you be there when she arrives. It’s much a little homework so you can talk about more relaxing for her to see you when she gets those subjects. there, rather than to have to wait for you. 3   Be aware of your body language.     This will also help her feel comfort- able. Don’t be too stand-offish, as in 5   Treat her like a lady. Hold doors open. Pull     out her chair. She’ll see your old-fashioned good manners as a positive trait. But do it in a sitting back with your arms folded across relaxed manner, like you do this every day, rather your chest. Leaning in shows interest. But than trying too hard. not too far–you don’t want to invade her space. Also, make plenty of eye contact. 10
  • 12. Hints For Him 6   Treat everyone you see or speak     about with respect. Like a job interview, a first date is a microcosm Survey Says: of who you are. And women instinc- one of the most important things i notice on a tively know this. If you are disrespect- ful to the wait staff, they know that first date is: eventually you will treat them the 39% — How they treat the wait staff or other people same way. If you are disparaging around us about an ex or someone else in your 38% — Did they ask me questions about myself? life, they know that you could easily be 16% — How much effort they put into their appearance negative about them, too. Stay posi- tive. Women are watching. 6% — If my date offers to pay 1% — How much my date tips the wait staff 7   Give her a sincere compliment.     This is a great way to make your date feel more comfortable. But make 10 it subtle, not over the top.   Have a sense of humor.   8   Be confident. We hear time and     There’s a reason speakers   again that women like confident tell jokes at the beginning of a guys. And if you’ve ever been with a speech. Laughter takes you from the group of guys and a pretty girl, you’ve analytical, judgmental left side of the seen that the confident guy gets the brain, to the creative, intuitive, right most attention. Here’s a tip if you side. Once you make someone laugh, need a little boost in the self-assur- they’re more open to you. So when ance area. When you go on a date, you spot an opportunity to make her instead of wondering ‘Will she like laugh, go for it. But keep it clean! me?’ Turn it around and think, ‘Will I like her?’ 9   Make eye contact. 29% of singles    say that eye contact is the number one way to show that you’re confident. “The two most important characteristics I’ve seen in my It’s the best way to let a woman know successful clients are confidence and a positive attitude. It you’re truly paying attention to her. doesn’t matter who you are or what you are looking for. If you Plus the eyes are said to be the win- feel good about yourself, it’s a lot easier for other people to dows of the soul, so look into hers, feel good about you, too. If you are positive and enjoy life, you and she won’t be able to help looking will not only enjoy the dating process more, but you’ll also into yours. become more appealing, meaning you’ll probably find your significant other a lot sooner.”  Krista White, Director of Operations It’s Just Lunch Washington DC 11
  • 13. Hints For Her The Reason: Because we commu- nicate with more single men than any of the women’s magazines you read or any of the TV talk shows you watch. Ten Things Guys Expect 1   Dress Like You’re Interested. Men     are visual, and they are aware when a woman is wearing something a little special. Guys notice, for example, when you dress in colors that are especially What character trait do you look flattering to you or wear something that’s for in someone you date? just a little showy. And it makes them feel like you’re interested in them. 34% — Kindness 19% — Intelligence 2   Be On Time. It’s a sign of respect in     all situations, but especially on a first date. Some guys will take it person- 14% — Confidence   6% — Ambition ally when you’re late, and you won’t see   2% — Humor them at their best. For certain women, it’s easy to be on time. But if you’re What Not To Wear always late, pretend your dates are job You may think some of these items are appealing, but the interviews for a million dollar job. men surveyed will tell you otherwise. 3   Be Kind. According to 34% of the     more than 2000 singles we sur- veyed, it turns out that kindness is the Men: What article of women’s clothing is the biggest turnoff for you? 0% 10% 20% 30% 40% most important character trait, more Uggs important than even intelligence and 5% confidence. So lead with kindness, and Baby doll dresses 12% be kind to everyone you interact with Loose baggy sweats during your date, including him. 38% Too much jewelry 4   Stay Positive. Even about yourself.   21% It doesn’t matter if I can imagine her body   You make a better impression when 15% you leave out negative remarks about your ex, your boss, and even your neigh- “Look at each date as an opportunity to learn bor. But it’s also important not to be more about yourself” disparaging about yourself. Guys want to be around women who like themselves. Sara French, Managing Director It’s Just Lunch Seattle 12
  • 14. Hints For Her men: what is the MOST attrac- tive feature of opposite sex 52% — Smile 37% — Eyes 6% — Backside   5% — Hair 5   Show Your Sense of Humor.   Dating’s more fun when you don’t take it too seriously. Plus humor will help him open up, too. A little back and forth joking is a form of play and will make it easier for you both to get to know each other. 6   Make Eye Contact. Let him know   that you’re paying attention. Eye contact shows confidence and creates a 9   Share Your Opinions    Without Making it 10   Let Out Your Softer     Side. If you’re open Seem Like a Debate. Most and vulnerable, it will make nice connection. guys like bright women. But it easier for him to be that 7   Smile. According to our surveys,   when they’re having coffee, way, too. The two of you will   52% of singles think a smile is the lunch or drinks, they’re more have a much more emotion- most attractive feature of the opposite interested in feeling comfort- ally satisfying connection if sex. Plus it will make both of you feel able with you than in having you both let your hair down good. If those aren’t enough reasons, an intellectual debate. So and show your humanity. check out Hints For Him on page 4. share your opinions freely in a gentle way, and if there’s 8   Find a Reason to Compliment Him.  a subject you butt heads   Underneath it all, even the tough- on, find a diplomatic way to est guy is pleased when he gets a com- change topics. pliment from a woman. And knowing you like something about him will put him at ease, and make him feel comfortable with “Make a conscious choice to give off a you, which, as mentioned previously, is warm and approachable energy, and you the number one aspect of chemistry for will radiate attraction.” most singles. Presley Mulvaney, Client Coordinator It’s Just Lunch Seattle 13
  • 15. Get Your Flirt On The Reason: It’s fun. It’s they are. Most people only inquire immediately when you feel a con- interesting. It adds an element about the surface of things. Your nection. of excitement to any date. And dates will enjoy it if you take the it’s a ritual that’s been bringing conversation to a deeper level. Next, Give a Compliment men and women together since Ask them why they like what they A compliment received after eye Adam and Eve. like, and how they wound up contact and a smile feels more doing the things they do. It will intimate than when it’s just given develop a sense of closeness and The Flirting any old time. This is the moment comfort. Process to say something subtle that still Everyone likes being let’s him or her flirted with. It brings a know you’re feel- level of intimacy that ing an attraction. takes things out of the friend zone into Tell It Like something a bit more It Is romantic. Here are ten ways to add a little flirt Being vulnerable to any date–or even and honest is the any conversation. slam-dunk, sexi- est thing a man Connect to or woman can Yourself First be. Getting “real” with someone will Flirting works best make you stand when you are not only out from everyone aware of the other per- else they date. It son, but also aware of your own Listen Attentively also will make it easier for your body--instead of in your head, date to be open and vulnerable thinking the whole time. Take a Being a good listener is a potent with you. Just don’t get too per- few seconds to connect to your- aphrodisiac. Everyone loves the sonal. self. The simplest way is to no- feeling of being fully seen and tice what your feet feel like, and heard. then your hands. You get bonus points for becoming aware of your Make Meaningful Eye breathing and your heartbeat. Contact and Smile Look for the Why and the This 1-2 punch transports these How simple actions from the realm of friendship to the world of flirting. People love it when you ask ques- Let your eyes linger on his or hers tions that let them show you who while you’re talking, then smile 14
  • 16. Get Your Flirt On Laugh One of the best ways to show off your sense of humor is by appreciating theirs. Ask any performer: Genuine laughter brings a greater sense of approval than even applause. Be Enthusiatic As a flirt, you want the person you’re flirting with to feel good about you and to experience you as a fun, happy, great-to-be-with person. The easiest way to make that happen is to really let yourself enjoy your date, no matter what happens. If you seem like you’re glad to be there, they will be glad to be there too. Your Date’s Going Well. What Signals Do Draw Them In You Give Off That You Are Interested? Lean forward, not because you want to show off your muscles or your cleavage, but to convey interest. Talk to them actively, showing that you like them. Then start talking more quietly and intimately. They’ll need to get Lean in close Compliment your date closer to hear you, so draw them in with your 18% 24% voice. Guys, gauge her “personal zone” and then encroach on it just an inch. Leaning in too far can seem too forceful. Touch Him or Her 9% The sense of touch heightens during flirt- 3% ing and can actually send tingles through a Give your undivided attention to your date person’s body. Realize this power and watch for ways to use it. Once you’ve become com- 46% fortable, lightly brush shoulders, or touch their hand or arm if they say something funny. 9%, Share intimate knowledge about yourself 3%, Offer a taste of food 15
  • 17. 2nd Chance at Chemistry? Have you ever had a bad or lukewarm first date lead to a longer term relationship? The Reason: Some people, even though they try their best, just can’t relax until the second 60% date. Or maybe last time they were having a bad day and you 45% didn’t get to see who they really were. Never 59.91% 30% Once or more “Change things up by turning the 36.71% 15% second date into a physical activity 3.38% like golf, tennis, or bike riding. A num- 0% ber of people find it easier to open up Yes, quite often and connect with someone new when they’re moving around.” Second Date Bad News: Pamela Lanier, Senior Director It’s Just Lunch Columbus You may be fighting an uphill battle even if he or she agrees to go out with you again. 52% of our respondents have agreed to go on a second date just to be nice, even though Survey Says: they didn’t want to. One interesting note: This question resulted in one of the widest splits between men and It doesn’t happen all the time, but women. 57% of women had done this and 42% of men. more than one-third of our singles report that they have had a bad or lukewarm date lead to a longer term relationship. So if someone shows interest in going out with you again, 100% consider saying yes. Maybe they see No something you don’t. 47.77% 75% “I encourage my clients to always 50% pursue a second date if they’re on Yes the fence after date one. Most people 52.23% relax and show their true colors on 25% the second date.” 0% Molly Kane, Client Director It’s Just Lunch Seattle 2nd Date Just to Be Nice? 16
  • 18. Think Out of the Box The Reason: You’re a different person than you were during your last relationship. Your dating preferences may have evolved as well. The love of your life may be out there in a somewhat different form than what you previously imagined. How to Make Dating More Fun Stay open to a wider variety of people and date more. Over and over we see that our clients who are willing to do this have the most matches, the best time and Get Current With Yourself the greatest success. One   way to open up to wider dating We know. There are a lot of reasons to rule people   possibilities is to mentally update out. who you’ve become since your last round of On the other hand, not everything you think is im- dating. Here are some questions to think about: portant really is. Here’s one way to test how strongly • Why are you dating again? Is it for a long- you feel about an issue in terms of your next rela- term relationship or are you looking to date tionship. Ask yourself this: recreationally? If I met someone and I was attracted to them, and • What do you have to offer that may be they made me feel truly loved–would it matter that different from the last time you dated? they were ________? • Are there things you want to do differently Fill in the blank with each of your parameters for this time? What are they? ruling someone out. • What do you hope to gain from meeting You might be thinking--”Okay, but I could never be new people? attracted to someone who was ______.” That may be true. But maybe not. “I’d rather be happy than right” Douglas Adams Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe 17
  • 19. Think Out Of The Box Caroline, was an HR Professional and an avid Some of the things you think you value the most skier. She was smart, engaging and gorgeous may not be as important to you as it is to be with a great sense of humor. One of her deal truly loved. breakers was that she didn’t want to date men Maybe he doesn’t need to love animals as with children, even though she had a son of much as you. Maybe she doesn’t need to be her own. Then along came John, a successful willing to cook. Maybe the two of you don’t need business owner and a great dad to two young to share identical spiritual beliefs. Just respect- sons. I could tell that John and Caroline were ing each other’s point of view might be enough. perfect for each other. On the other hand, if you have a child who lives The problem was John’s kids; I called Caroline with you, then you definitely need someone who and told her what a great fit he was. She likes kids. decided to go ahead and meet him. Honor your deal breakers--but test to see if they really are hard and fast rules. They’ve now been dating for about six months and John recently called me to thank me for seeing their “couple potential.” Not only are they still happy together, it turns out Caroline is thrilled that her son has someone the same age to play with. Expert Advice: “One trait that Seattle’s most successful clients possess is that they Brenna Rick, Elite Coordinator It’s Just Lunch Minneapolis are very open when it comes to meeting people from different areas of Western Wash- ington. Location doesn’t really matter if there is some apparent chemistry or connection How many hours a week do you devote to on the first date. A prime example: Jeff and looking for dates (not including going out Cheryl who were recently married through us. on the actual date)? Jeff lived the urban life in the city and had his small business not far from his home. Cheryl lived and worked 60 miles outside the city 3% in a small town. Jeff was skeptical, but open 3-6 hours 2% to making the drive south to meet Cheryl for 13% their first date. The two really hit it off and 0 hours neither mentioned the distance in their feed- 41% back. Two years later, they are now married and Jeff packed up his urban life and moved to the country to be with Cheryl!” 1-3 hours 42% Jillian Arbow, Senior Client Coordinator 3%, 7-10 hours It’s Just Lunch Seattle 2%, 10 hours 18