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iCAAD London 2019. Monday 6th May. Mark Drax - WE REPEAT WHAT WE DON'T REPAIR: FROM ADDICTIVE SECRECY TO A LIBERATED SELF.

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We are only as sick as our secrets! An oft-used recovery phrase; but what does it actually mean? Any sort of trauma or abuse experienced in childhood can lead to us keeping secrets. We believe that what happened to us was our fault and we keep it hidden away.

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iCAAD London 2019. Monday 6th May. Mark Drax - WE REPEAT WHAT WE DON'T REPAIR: FROM ADDICTIVE SECRECY TO A LIBERATED SELF.

  1. 1. We Repeat What We Don’t Repair From addictive secrecy to a liberated self Presented by Mark Drax Addiction Recovery Coach 2019
  2. 2. ‘Controlling or Coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship’ became a crime in England in 2015 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  3. 3. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com The story of Sally Challen
  4. 4. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  5. 5. born 4th August, 1967 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  6. 6. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  7. 7. Discovered truth of early beatings in November 2017 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  8. 8. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  9. 9. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  10. 10. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Video on YouTube called- ‘Toddlers regulate their behavior to avoid making adults angry’
  11. 11. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Rage
  12. 12. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Anger was my first addiction
  13. 13. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com “Addictions are the strongest frightened parts of your personality. The greater the desire of your soul to heal your addiction, the greater will be the cost of keeping it” - Gary Zukav
  14. 14. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  15. 15. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  16. 16. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  17. 17. FEELINGS? iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  18. 18. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Loneliness…
  19. 19. Why do we start to do the things we do? Adaptive Strategies… Mine were Anger, Secrets and Lies! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  20. 20. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  21. 21. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  22. 22. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Open resistance; bold disobedience
  23. 23. West Downs School, Winchester 1975 - 79 The ‘easy target’ to explain the source of my problems iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  24. 24. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  25. 25. Bradfield College, 1980 - 85 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  26. 26. I morphed from Victim to Persecutor! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  27. 27. “You won't remember me at all; but I remembered you the other day (from my time at Bradfield) after a conversation concerning another Drax on Facebook. I recall you as being furiously angry with the world and - if I'm honest, Mark - perfectly happy to pass that anger around. Well, after reading your website, I now know why!” A voice from the past… iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  28. 28. Supressed Anger & Rage: can manifest as- Blame, Resentment, Humiliation, Gaslighting, Passive Aggression, Controlling Behaviours, Manipulation, Cheating/Lying, Explosive Temper, and ultimately, Physical Violence iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  29. 29. First Treatment Centre, July & Aug 2004 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  30. 30. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  31. 31. Addiction is a ‘Symptom’ of a problem; it is not ‘The Problem’. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  32. 32. “We need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.” -Desmond Tutu iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  33. 33. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  34. 34. Johann Hari talks about the opposite of addiction not being sobriety, but ‘human connection’. But connection WHEN, HOW and to WHOM? iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  35. 35. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  36. 36. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  37. 37. ‘A man cannot give you what he does not have to give’. But nor can a woman. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  38. 38. First thing out of a father’s mouth when he called me… “I don’t know how to take it from here because it is our son’s issues, not ours!” iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  39. 39. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  40. 40. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  41. 41. Shame iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  42. 42. I’m not… Good Enough Smart Enough Pretty Enough …..Enough!! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  43. 43. Over 40 years mistaking ‘intensity’ for ‘intimacy’ iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  44. 44. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else’s war against themselves
  45. 45. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com - Jam Alker on ‘btr.org’
  46. 46. Narcissistic Wounding Narcissistic Supply iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  47. 47. Behaviours become Patterns; Patterns can become Problems; Problems breed Addictions! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  48. 48. Where we place our thoughts is where we place our energy! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  49. 49. “The same thoughts will always lead to the same choices… the same choices will always create the same behaviours… the same behaviours will produce the same experiences… the same experiences will create the same emotions… those same familiar feelings and emotions will drive those exact same thoughts!!” iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com - Dr Joe Dispenza
  50. 50. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  51. 51. Persecutor Rescuer Victim Challenger Coach Creator Shame Empathy Self Esteem Restored Self Esteem Restored Self Esteem Restored Self Esteem iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  52. 52. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  53. 53. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  54. 54. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  55. 55. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com “Compassion is the courage to descend into the reality of human experience” - Prof Paul Gilbert
  56. 56. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Curiosity
  57. 57. Empowerment “Never try to compel others to change; leave them free to change naturally and orderly because they want to; and they will want to when they find that your change was worth while. To inspire in others a desire to change for the better is truly noble.” Christian D Larson (1874-1954) Mastery of Self iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  58. 58. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  59. 59. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Did my parents do a good job? Possibly not. But did they do their best? Absolutely.
  60. 60. Discernment Vs Blame One is critical; the other is harmful iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  61. 61. From this… …to this? iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  62. 62. In Summary- iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Anonymous Quote
  63. 63. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  64. 64. We will keep repeating what we choose to ignore and don’t stop to repair iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  65. 65. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com
  66. 66. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Audience was invited to close their eyes and in their minds and hearts, to look into the eyes of their ‘inner children’ whilst listening to the Rod Stewart song, ‘For the first time’.
  67. 67. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com I closed the presentation by reading a poem I wrote whilst in treatment at ‘Onsite’ last year.
  68. 68. Mark Drax mark@markdrax.com +44 (0)7768 748 172 www.mymentor.uk.com

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