iCAAD London 2019. Monday 6th May. Mark Drax - WE REPEAT WHAT WE DON'T REPAIR: FROM ADDICTIVE SECRECY TO A LIBERATED SELF.

1. We Repeat What We Don’t Repair From addictive secrecy to a liberated self Presented by Mark Drax Addiction Recovery Coach 2019

2. ‘Controlling or Coercive behaviour in an intimate relationship’ became a crime in England in 2015 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

3. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com The story of Sally Challen

4. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

5. born 4th August, 1967 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

7. Discovered truth of early beatings in November 2017 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

10. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Video on YouTube called- ‘Toddlers regulate their behavior to avoid making adults angry’

11. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Rage

12. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Anger was my first addiction

13. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com “Addictions are the strongest frightened parts of your personality. The greater the desire of your soul to heal your addiction, the greater will be the cost of keeping it” - Gary Zukav

17. FEELINGS? iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

18. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Loneliness…

19. Why do we start to do the things we do? Adaptive Strategies… Mine were Anger, Secrets and Lies! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

22. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Open resistance; bold disobedience

23. West Downs School, Winchester 1975 - 79 The ‘easy target’ to explain the source of my problems iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

25. Bradfield College, 1980 - 85 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

26. I morphed from Victim to Persecutor! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

27. “You won't remember me at all; but I remembered you the other day (from my time at Bradfield) after a conversation concerning another Drax on Facebook. I recall you as being furiously angry with the world and - if I'm honest, Mark - perfectly happy to pass that anger around. Well, after reading your website, I now know why!” A voice from the past… iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

28. Supressed Anger & Rage: can manifest as- Blame, Resentment, Humiliation, Gaslighting, Passive Aggression, Controlling Behaviours, Manipulation, Cheating/Lying, Explosive Temper, and ultimately, Physical Violence iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

29. First Treatment Centre, July & Aug 2004 iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

31. Addiction is a ‘Symptom’ of a problem; it is not ‘The Problem’. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

32. “We need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they’re falling in.” -Desmond Tutu iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

34. Johann Hari talks about the opposite of addiction not being sobriety, but ‘human connection’. But connection WHEN, HOW and to WHOM? iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

37. ‘A man cannot give you what he does not have to give’. But nor can a woman. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

38. First thing out of a father’s mouth when he called me… “I don’t know how to take it from here because it is our son’s issues, not ours!” iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

41. Shame iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

42. I’m not… Good Enough Smart Enough Pretty Enough …..Enough!! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

43. Over 40 years mistaking ‘intensity’ for ‘intimacy’ iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

44. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else’s war against themselves

45. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com - Jam Alker on ‘btr.org’

46. Narcissistic Wounding Narcissistic Supply iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

47. Behaviours become Patterns; Patterns can become Problems; Problems breed Addictions! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

48. Where we place our thoughts is where we place our energy! iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

49. “The same thoughts will always lead to the same choices… the same choices will always create the same behaviours… the same behaviours will produce the same experiences… the same experiences will create the same emotions… those same familiar feelings and emotions will drive those exact same thoughts!!” iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com - Dr Joe Dispenza

51. Persecutor Rescuer Victim Challenger Coach Creator Shame Empathy Self Esteem Restored Self Esteem Restored Self Esteem Restored Self Esteem iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

55. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com “Compassion is the courage to descend into the reality of human experience” - Prof Paul Gilbert

56. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Curiosity

57. Empowerment “Never try to compel others to change; leave them free to change naturally and orderly because they want to; and they will want to when they find that your change was worth while. To inspire in others a desire to change for the better is truly noble.” Christian D Larson (1874-1954) Mastery of Self iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

59. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Did my parents do a good job? Possibly not. But did they do their best? Absolutely.

60. Discernment Vs Blame One is critical; the other is harmful iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

61. From this… …to this? iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

62. In Summary- iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Anonymous Quote

64. We will keep repeating what we choose to ignore and don’t stop to repair iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com

66. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com Audience was invited to close their eyes and in their minds and hearts, to look into the eyes of their ‘inner children’ whilst listening to the Rod Stewart song, ‘For the first time’.

67. iCAAD 2019: ‘We Repeat What We Don’t Repair’ www.mymentor.uk.com I closed the presentation by reading a poem I wrote whilst in treatment at ‘Onsite’ last year.

68. Mark Drax mark@markdrax.com +44 (0)7768 748 172 www.mymentor.uk.com

iCAAD London 2019. Monday 6th May. Mark Drax - WE REPEAT WHAT WE DON'T REPAIR: FROM ADDICTIVE SECRECY TO A LIBERATED SELF.

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iCAAD London 2019. Monday 6th May. Mark Drax - WE REPEAT WHAT WE DON'T REPAIR: FROM ADDICTIVE SECRECY TO A LIBERATED SELF.