This is the tale of a DevOps journey through a wasteland where Perl is a third-class citizen. In the Hadoop world, anything that doesn't run on the JVM is not exactly, um... welcome. And while I love where I work these days, Perl is looked down upon, and often considered a tool of "last resort"... However, despite the title of this talk, I have managed to sneak in quite a lot of Perl by means of a solid DevOps ethos and a solid philosophy of systems management from bare metal up through end-user applications. Turns out, Perl really *is* the best tool for the job in a *lot* of the situations I deal with from day-to-day. In this talk you will learn about the fundamentals of my approach, along with details of the tools and techniques I have employed in the administration of the data warehouse infrastructure of the world's largest travel-review company. You will also learn how to make it *much* easier to use Perl and CPAN code in places other people would consider it infeasible, and fall back to more "universal" tools like awk and bash.