How to Work with Just About Anyone


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How to Work with Just About Anyone

  1. 2. How to Work with Just About Anyone A Three-step Solution for Getting Difficult People to Change AUTHOR: Lucy Gill PUBLISHER: A Fireside Book / Simon and Schuster DATE OF PUBLICATION: 1999 NUMBER OF PAGES: 206 pages
  2. 3. <ul><li>Dealing with negative behavior whether at work or at home can be solved with three steps: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Get to the heart of the matter. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Determine what problem-solving matters to avoid. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Choose a different, surprising approach to solve the problem and keep it solved. </li></ul></ul>THE BIG IDEA
  3. 4. The Care and Feeding of Problems: How Difficult Behavior Gets Reinforced <ul><li>People often get stuck in problems because they choose a solution that doesn’t work. </li></ul><ul><li>The wrong solution just prolongs the problem. </li></ul><ul><li>Problems disappeared when the focus shifted to these ineffective solutions rather than on the original problem. </li></ul>
  4. 5. Maddening Circles of Common Sense: How We Get in the Way of Change <ul><li>We attempt a reasonable solution that doesn’t work. </li></ul><ul><li>When the person doesn’t change, we continue doing more of the same thing that isn’t working. </li></ul><ul><li>We should: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>What is the primary problem? Be specific. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>What have you been doing about your problem so far? Identify the logic of your favorite solution. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>What do you need to do instead? You need to undo what your ineffective solution did. Attack with a brand new set of weapons. </li></ul></ul>
  5. 6. Focusing on the Heart of the Matter <ul><li>List all the issues affecting you. </li></ul><ul><li>Decide which issue or who in particular is bothering you the most. </li></ul><ul><li>Encircle the issue or person’s name on your list. </li></ul><ul><li>Focus on what you circled. List all the things that bother you about this person. </li></ul><ul><li>Now pick the problem to work on. </li></ul>
  6. 7. Avoiding Bogs and Dead Ends <ul><li>Write down your comments. See if you are describing premature solutions and not actual problems. </li></ul><ul><li>If that solution worked what problem would it fix? </li></ul><ul><li>Then ask yourself again: Who does what to whom, and how is it a problem? </li></ul>
  7. 8. Taking the Lead <ul><li>Identifying your theme: </li></ul><ul><li>  </li></ul><ul><ul><li>List all the ways you’ve tried to get someone to change his behavior. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Make sure you’ve listed behaviors and not labels. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Ask yourself what am I trying to get through to this person? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Once you recognize your theme, you’ll know what to avoid when you pick </li></ul></ul>
  8. 9. Common-Sense Solutions That Don’t Work <ul><li>The five ineffective solutions: </li></ul><ul><li>  </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Repeatedly urging them to change. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Trying to talk to them into liking your request </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Demanding acknowledgment that you’re right </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Using the indirect approach </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Trying to conquer your fear with endless preparation </li></ul></ul>
  9. 10. Repeatedly Urging Change <ul><li>Tell someone not to change </li></ul><ul><li>Create consequences or let the natural consequences occur </li></ul><ul><li>Urge someone to do the annoying actions even more </li></ul>
  10. 11. Solution by Evasion: Using the Indirect Approach <ul><li>The usual indirect approaches are: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>We hint about what they should change. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>We make a general comment to everyone instead of speaking directly to the offending individual. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>We avoid the person entirely. </li></ul></ul><ul><li>The art of the direct approach requires you to: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Stick to the facts. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Consider the timing and staging. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Be prepared for the other person’s surprise. </li></ul></ul>
  11. 12. Trying to Conquer Fear with Endless Preparation <ul><li>To take action when fearful: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Acknowledge you can’t talk yourself out of your feelings. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Ask yourself: What’s the smallest step I can take? What small step can I purposely fail to learn its lesson? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Try it. </li></ul></ul>
  12. 13. Doing the Opposite, the Unexpected, the Outrageous, and the Ordinary <ul><li>Do the Fosbury Flop. </li></ul><ul><li>Start Small. </li></ul><ul><li>Set up a Roadblock. </li></ul><ul><li>Notice When It Isn’t Happening. </li></ul><ul><li>Find Someone with Immunity. </li></ul><ul><li>Do the Unexpected. </li></ul><ul><li>Challenge Your Story. </li></ul><ul><li>Consider “Off-Limits” Options. </li></ul><ul><li>Question the Advice You’re Heeding. </li></ul><ul><li>Signal a U-turn </li></ul><ul><li>Stop Doing More of the Same. </li></ul><ul><li>Do Something Significantly Different. </li></ul>
  13. 14. If It Didn’t Work: Troubleshooting Your Plan <ul><li>If the new solution doesn’t work, ask yourself these questions: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Have you defined your problem clearly and specifically? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Did you address the question “How is this behavior a problem?” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Did you pick your main concern? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Is your new solution the opposite of, or significantly different from, your old one? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Did you choose an active new solution or did you just stop doing the old one? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Did you do it right? Maybe it isn’t your new strategy that is flawed, but your delivery. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Did you pay attention to initial signs of change, however small? </li></ul></ul>
  14. 15. Speeding Along the Learning Curve <ul><li>Go through the three-step process step by step. </li></ul><ul><li>Listen and probe for facts, descriptions of behavior. </li></ul><ul><li>Focus on the problem that most bothers your colleague. </li></ul><ul><li>Make sure the new solution is the opposite of the old one, or very different. </li></ul><ul><li>Invent ways to implement the new solution. </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t jump to giving advice without knowing what solutions have already been tried and what should be avoided. </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t empathize so much with your friend. </li></ul>
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