Students brainstorm on previous times when they have needed peer support. Who do they go to? What kinds of support has worked?
My name is Sonia – I am a counsellor for an organization called St. John’s Counselling Service. I’m also the on-site counsellor for South Island School and for Island School. My office is Rm 416 and I’m here on Fridays. My schedule is flexible – so if you’re interested in meeting with me it’s always best to send me off an email- firstname.lastname@example.org What is Counselling? They range from credit counsellors to investment counsellors.Professional Counselling - treatment of interpersonal/intrapersonal issues.Takes the form of individual and group formsintrapesonal concerns: self-concept to psychological disturbancesinterpersonal concerns: range from communication to perceptual problems between the client and other to issues of hostility, aggression and criminal activity.problems that are considered &quot;normal&quot; and &quot;developmental&quot; to oproblems that are more serious psychological nature Often times I help students with little bumps in the road – setting goals – working through rough patches So I’m not here today to teach you to be a counsellor – but I am here to teach you some ‘people skills’. An important one that is often overlooked is “LISTENING”. Now listening sounds straightforward – but there are many points in our lives where we actually weren’t listening. Maybe we were “hearing” – in one ear and out the other. “Listening” is a skill – something that needs practice! Hopefully today by going through some key aspects of listening – you will be on your way to developing some great listening skills. Supporting friends – you don’t need to be a counsellor! But you can use skills that counsellors use – in your own way. An important part of supporting friends is : Genuine, Trust, …..
The key to helping others – is firstly understanding yourself.
To show how people see the same things differently according to their own perceptions. The trainers lead a discussion on how important it is for peer supporters to understand that people see things differently. It is necessary for peer supporters to be able to see situations from the other person’s perspective. Effective peer supporters will ideally exhibit an attitude of tolerance towards other people’s beliefs and values and constantly question whether they are judging someone through their own personal biases. Thus it is important for peer supporters to continually examine their own beliefs, values and attitudes. Paradigms – the way you see something, your point of view, frame of reference, belief. Paradigms are like glasses. When you have incomplete paradigms about yourself or life in general it’s like wearing glasses with the wrong prescription. That lens affects how you see everything else. As a result, what you see is what you get. Ask yourself- are your paradigms helping or hindering you? (Covey, p.13) Lenses- different perspectives Check your own mind(Becoming your own Therapist, Lama Yesbe)
1) Accepting to be with and understand someone else, even when that person is different from us 2) Non-judgmental – to never suggest what someone has done as good, bad, right or wrong; to not blame, criticise or act shocked at what we hear someone say 3) Understanding - to see things from the other person’s point of view; to recognise and describe the other person’s and feelings 4) Genuine – to be the real you; to be natural 5) Trustworthy – to keep all information confidential between yourself and the person you are helping (with exceptions) * A helping relationship is: one in which others see you as someone who can be trusted - one in which you come across as someone who is safe and comforting to talk to - one in which you are willing to be there for someone and to be good listener
“ Listen, or thy tongue will make thee deaf” Native American Proverbs
Let’s say you go into a shoe shop to buy a new pair of shoes. The sales assistant asks, ‘ What kind of shoes are you looking for?” “Well, I’m looking for something that…” “I think I know what you’d like”, he interrupts. “Everyone is wearing these. Trust me.’ He rushes off and comes back with the ugliest pair of shoes you’ve ever seen. “Just take a look at these babies” he says. “But I really don’t like them” “Everyone likes them. They’re the hottest thing going right now”. “I’m looking for something different” “I promise you. You’ll love them” “But, I..” “Listen. I’ve been selling shoes for 10 years and I know a good shoe when I see it.” After this experience, would you ever want to go to that shop again? Definitely not. You can’t trust people who give you solutions before they understand what your needs are. But do you know how often we do the same thing when we communicate?
Sympathy focuses on sharing (experiencing) a person's bad news or feelings, feeling sorry for the person suffering the bad news/feelings, and whether the sympathizer agrees with any of the person's beliefs, opinions, or goals whereas empathy focuses on sharing (experiencing) a person's bad and good news or feelings and understanding the bad or good news/feelings rather than feeling sorry for the person's bad news/feelings or agreeing or disagreeing with the person's beliefs, opinions, or goals. The key to helping a friend is to make them feel that you understand what they are going through. Imagine yourself in their shoes, having experienced the difficulties/problems that they told you about. How would you feel? This is what is called empathy.
What do we do when people talk: prep our answer, judge, filter Spacing out, pretend listening, selective listening, word listening, self-centered listening Role Play: Sonia + Student (presents issue) Eat Answer Phone Look at watch Roll Eyes Look away Tell Personal Story Fall Asleep Prep answer
As a good listener, remember you should never do any of the following:
(Eye Contact, Body Language, Vocal Tone and Speech Rate,Physical Space, Time) Take into consideration - different cultural norms S – Square stance – face the person you are talking with squarely. Physical distance between you is important as well. In North American culture, 1 to 1.5 metres distance is usually appropriate. Some people will want more or less distance between you and them. O - Open posture – you need to say through your posture that you are willing to be involved and accessible. Crossed arms and legs can be seen as defensiveness or withdrawal. L – Lean toward the other person – as understanding increases, people tend to draw closer together physically, leaning toward the other person E – Eye contact – keep eye contact, this is a strong sign of involvement and can directly influence trust. Maintaining eye contact does not mean that you stare fixedly at the person, this is often uncomfortable for people. (Research has shown that when we like people, our eye contact is more intense and longer; we are likely to feel more positive about people who use a lot of eye contact; people are apt to see us as less trustworthy when we avoid eye contact.) R – take up a relaxed position. Stay still and avoid fidgeting that might make it seem that you are preoccupied, nervous or uncomfortable with the discussion. If you are relaxed you show that you are not embarrassed and that you are able and willing to listen. If a person feels that you are judgmental or overwhelmed, they may stop the conversation or change to a subject they feel you would be more comfortable with. SOLER is a non-verbal listening technique used in communication. It can be very effective, depending on the situation, and the individuals involved. Gerald Egan recommended using an 'acronym' to help build all the components into communication with others. SOLER reminds us that five basic components of non-verbal communication can improve the listening process; Face people squarely; the bodily orientatation that you adopt conveys a message that you are involved. Open body shape; an open posture is generally seen as non defensive. Crossed arms or legs might convey that you do not feel involved with the individual. Lean forward slightly; a slight inclination forward is taken as showing personal interest and commitment. Eye contact; regular but varied eye contact is conveyed as interest in the person. Relax; maintain a relaxed appearance and manner. SOLER can help to guide professional care workers when discussing sensitive information. Within the main content, active listening is essential. Active listening does not just mean listening and hearing; it involves trying to understand the meaning of the words being used by the service user and the context from which they originate. Active listening is developing an interaction with the service user that helps to identify the real issues and to provide a meaningful dialogue in exchange. When listening, individuals can operate at three different levels. These are partial listening, well tuned in listening, and global listening. Partial listening is where some of what the service user has said registers with the understanding on the receiver. This tends to be known as Level 1 listening. Well tuned in listening is when the majority of what is being said is accepted and understood by the listener. This tends to be known as Level 2 listening. Global listening is when the receiver is able to identify fully with the person speaking and has established empathy and congruence. This is often known as Level 3 listening. Nonverbal Behaviors Associated with Positive Regard 1. Tone of voice: soft soothing 2. Facial Expression: Smiling, interested 3. Posture: relaxed, leaning towards the other person 5. Eye Contact: looking directly into the other person’s eyes 6. Gestures: open, welcoming 7. Physical proximity: close (Hackney, Cormier)
Mirroring or saying back to the mentee how you think he/she feels and why… 1)Say what you think the person is feeling: “ You feel ……….” 2)Say what you think caused this feeling: “ You feel………because………” 3)Check with your mentee to make sure your reflection was right: “ You feel………because……..Is that it?” (or just pause for their response)
LISTENING is a skill – “PEOPLE SKILLS” Define the skill Model the skill Establish Trainee Skill Need Select Role Player Set up role play Conduct role-play Provide Feedback Explain – example – help- feedback -practice
C = Clarifying Asking for greater detail Ex: Can you tell me more about how that happened? O-E = Open-Ended Questions that require more than a minimal response from the client. Ex: How do you react when she says something like that to you Cl = Closed Questions that as for specific data (When? Where? Who?)Ex: Who do you live with?
When we are not sure we understand what our mentee is telling us, we could use the following: “ Do I understand you? Are you saying….?” “ When you say ______, what do you mean?” “ I think I lost you. Could you go over that again?”
- tip: Think of something that happened to you- so it’s easier to talk about….
Brainstorm….. <ul><li>Think of a time when you needed support from your peers? </li></ul><ul><li>Who did you go to? </li></ul><ul><li>What type of support was helpful? </li></ul>
Who am I? <ul><li>What is Counselling? </li></ul><ul><li>Who should see a counsellor? </li></ul><ul><li>Do we need to be counsellors when we support our friends? </li></ul><ul><li>Island School : Rm 416 – Fridays </li></ul><ul><li>or by appointment email@example.com </li></ul>
Self- Awareness <ul><li>Before I can walk in another’s shoes, I must first remove my own, </li></ul>
Listening to people talk about their problems makes them feel better It does 3 things: 1)Shows that we care 2)It shows that we understand 3) Makes them feel valued Attentive listening: listening with care and empathy
“ I can understand how you feel.” “ I’m really sorry you feel that way.” SYMPATHY EMPATHY
Paraphrasing: <ul><li>You feel _______________Because_____________ </li></ul><ul><li>Student: I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. But I can’t seem to stop second guessing everything I do. </li></ul><ul><li>Helper: It sounds like you’d like to be easier on yourself, but you aren’t able to control your reactions </li></ul>
Types of Question C = Clarifying Questions O-E = Open-Ended Questions Cl = Closed Questions
Clarifying Questions <ul><li>Deepening our understanding of what is being said or to allow people to consider a situation and their feelings about it more deeply. </li></ul><ul><li>Do I understand you? Are you saying….? </li></ul><ul><li>When you say….What do you mean? </li></ul><ul><li>I think I lost you. Could you go over that again? </li></ul>
Open-Ended Question “ What did you do when that happened?” “ How does that make things different”
Closed Questions <ul><li>“ How old were you when you moved?” </li></ul><ul><li>“ Did that make you angry” </li></ul>
Your Turn… <ul><li>- Groups of 3 </li></ul><ul><li>Counsellor, Student & Observer </li></ul>