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Le Jeune Curé

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Le Jeune Curé

  1. 2. Un jeune curé, très angoissé, a été incapable de prononcer un seul mot le jour de son premier sermon. <ul><li>Le lendemain il va voir l'archevêque et lui demande quelques conseils pour être à la hauteur pour le sermon du dimanche suivant. </li></ul>
  2. 3. L'archevêque lui conseille de verser quelques gouttes de vodka dans un grand verre d'eau pour se sentir plus détendu. <ul><li>Le dimanche suivant, le jeune prêtre suit le conseil et réussit à parler sans être paralysé par le trac. </li></ul>
  3. 4. De retour à la sacristie, il trouve une lettre laissée par l'archevêque, ainsi rédigée : <ul><li>Mon fils, La prochaine fois, mettez quelques gouttes de vodka dans un grand verre d'eau et non quelques gouttes d'eau dans la bouteille de vodka. </li></ul>
  4. 5. D'autre part, je tiens à vous faire part des quelques observations suivantes, afin que vous amélioriez encore un peu vos prochains prônes. <ul><li>Il n'est nul besoin de mettre une rondelle de citron sur le bord du calice. </li></ul><ul><li>Evitez de vous appuyer sur la statue de la Sainte Vierge et, surtout, évitez de l'embrasser en la serrant étroitement dans vos bras. </li></ul>
  5. 6. <ul><li>Il y a dix commandements et non pas douze. </li></ul><ul><li>Les apôtres étaient douze et non pas sept et aucun n'était nain. </li></ul><ul><li>Nous ne parlons pas de Jésus-Christ et ses apôtres comme de &quot;JC and Co&quot;. </li></ul><ul><li>Nous ne nous référons pas à Judas comme à &quot;ce fils de ***&quot;. </li></ul>
  6. 7. <ul><li>Vous ne devez pas parler du Pape en disant &quot;Le Parrain&quot;. </li></ul><ul><li>Ben Laden n'a rien à voir avec la mort de Jésus. </li></ul><ul><li>Les murailles qui se sont effondrées au septième jour ne se trouvaient pas à Mexico mais à Jéricho. </li></ul>
  7. 8. <ul><li>L'eau bénite est faite pour bénir et non pour se rafraîchir la nuque. </li></ul><ul><li>On ne célèbre pas la messe assis sur les marches de l'autel. </li></ul><ul><li>Ponce Pilate a dit : &quot;Vos histoires, je m'en lave les mains&quot; et non : &quot;Vos conneries, je m'en bats les c....&quot;. </li></ul>
  8. 9. <ul><li>Les hosties ne sont pas des gâteaux à apéritif à consommer avec le vin de messe. </li></ul><ul><li>Les pêcheurs iront en enfer et non &quot;se faire enc... chez les Papous&quot;. </li></ul><ul><li>L'initiative d'appeler les fidèles à danser était bonne, mais pas celle de faire la chenille dans l'église. </li></ul>
  9. 10. <ul><li>L'homme assis près de l'autel et que vous avez qualifié de &quot;vieux pédé&quot; et de &quot;travelo en jupe&quot;, c'était moi !! </li></ul><ul><li>Bien sincèrement. </li></ul><ul><li>l'Archevêque. </li></ul><ul><li>PS : Jésus n'a pas été fusillé , mais crucifié </li></ul>

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