Dispatch The 5th

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Dispatch The 5th

  1. 1. Dispatch the 5th Kampala once again, I’m sorry Mom….
  2. 2. The most common question I get about Uganda is Dude, what is Uganda like?
  3. 3. The most common answer I give is: Have you ever seen Apocalypto*? It’s kind of like that Which is not to say I spend all my time fleeing spear wielding natives, * Stolen from Huge in Asia but let’s call it like 40%…..
  4. 4. But seriously now… ... I jest about the spear-wielding natives because Uganda defies your typical sub-Saharan African stereotypes. Now I could give that speech about how modern the place is, how talented and well educated the people are, how there's a half decent Mexican place next to a rock-solid Chinese restaurant and how the world is flat and all that. And that speech would be completely true, But let's face it: That speech is You just made my ‘stache tingle REALLY BORING Instead … let's first celebrate the absurd African stereotypes and clichés that sometimes actually come true. Join me in a game that I call .....
  5. 5. African Cliché Tic-Tac-Toe You ME Contestants: Contestants Me versus all of you Rules: Photographic evidence of the above clichés scores me/you an X / O on the board. Unfair head-start: I already have woman with bowl of bananas on head and smiling white guy (Brian) with head- horde of barefoot children. Better try to catch up. In the spirit of Web 2.0 (mandated by Jon / John): User-submitted entries for the last three squares. That means you emailing me ideas.
  6. 6. Kampala, je t’aime: Two Vignettes Brian Kelly visited from Hong Kong. Obviously we went to the local Chinese Restaurant. It went down like this: Brian Whats the BEST BEER in Uganda? Brian What's the SECOND BEST BEER in Uganda? Waiter Tusker!!! Waiter Shmearminov!!! Brian Bring us two Tuskers Brian Did he say Shmearminov? Phil Brian, I think he said Smirnoff (Ten minutes later waiter brings two crisp refreshing Tuskers Brian Did you say Smirnoff or Shmearminov Brian is encouraged) Waiter Would you like WHITE SHMEARMINOV or RED SHMEARMINOV???? Brian ...It must be a beer then. One of each, sir! By now we all know how this is going to end
  7. 7. White Red Shmearminov Shmearminov Looking for fun like this to spice up Law School / unemployment? Book your ticket to Kampala now And bring me granola bars and Easy Mac.
  8. 8. Kampala, je t’aime : A second vignette A group of Ex-pats form a ex-pat dance circle at the local club “Rouge” Ski Team Scotty Danceparty Preceded by “The Sprinkler” 9:00 AM Harvard/Yale Michael Jackson Performed twice (consecutively) 7:00 AM Harvard/Yale Office Holiday Party Performed once Alexis Sklaver’s Bar Mitzvah Not needed Intoxication Rhythm “The Lawnmower” Things were going as expected until two vaguely familiar gentlemen appear on the scene
  9. 9. Up dance two guys much in the spirit, if not the attire, of the Figure 1: Night at the Roxbury. Hair gelled. One calls the other one quot;bro.quot; They creepily hover around our group waiting to strike. The first orbits the dance circle slowly but deliberately (see figure The West Orange Circumnavigation 1: West Orange Circumnavigation) to better position himself. Figure 2: Like the cheetah to the antelope, he attempts the Teaneck Pounce and Grind (see figure 2) on the straggling female of the group. She flees much in the same manner as girls do when spiders appear, arms flailing in motion of a bike pedal and runs The Teaneck Pounce and Grind to the other side of the circle. Undeterred, he circumnavigates Figure 3: again and in a brilliant tactical maneuver chases her toward the Extended left arm to block egress corner of the room. Checkmate – Now he has her right where he wants her. As seen many times in game parks such as “Park” and “Mansion“ he unleashes the East Rutherford Pincer (see figure 3). Only with backup from the rest of the herd is the girl Shrewd positioning able to escape. at wall corner The East Rutherford Pincer
  10. 10. Folks, this may seem like a long pointless story, but the moral is this: You can run You can hide You can fly somewhere that is 10,000 miles from the nearest tunnel, bridge or full-service Hess Station But you can be sure as shit if it's 5am and you’re at a club called quot;Rougequot; with a group of females, it’s basically inevitable...
  11. 11. ….New Jersey will find you
  12. 12. Conciliatory shout out to Amelia Page 1. Sup, A. 2. Sorry. 3. You know why.
  13. 13. How to Skype me in Uganda, an illustrated guide
  14. 14. Dedications Dedicated to: Dave Harrison, Moon-The-Houn, Clara Barton, the town of Fergus, the golden sheet, that bouncer who took off his belt and chased Santiago out of G-Spa, New Rochelle’s resident entrepreneur Lonny, Sederfest 2k11, Jerry Webb, N. Gregory Mankiw, Helen K, Zach Dennett (BCCed), $49 cots, Doida in all its forms, Around the World by ATC, Papi, intellectual train recks, the Chairman, Car Hopping, Elle Burgdorf, Too Much Godfather, Dr. Zizmor, and the recently-Iday-bereft mujeres of After Office Hidalgo. And lest I forget -- Frank, you look good tonight.
  15. 15. P.S. Facebook, I hate you (but I’m not in hate with you*) I hate facebook because sometimes the truth hurts. Facebook I hate you but I’m not in hate with you PEOPLE! Know anyone in Uganda? Help a mazungu out. * Stolen from @Nick

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