Dispatch the 5th
once again, I’m sorry Mom….
The most common question I get about Uganda is
Dude, what is Uganda like?
The most common answer I give is:
Have you ever seen Apocalypto*?
It’s kind of like that
Which is not to say I spend all my time fleeing spear wielding natives,
* Stolen from Huge in Asia but let’s call it like 40%…..
But seriously now…
... I jest about the spear-wielding natives because Uganda defies your typical
sub-Saharan African stereotypes. Now I could give that speech about how
modern the place is, how talented and well educated the people are, how
there's a half decent Mexican place next to a rock-solid Chinese restaurant and
how the world is flat and all that. And that speech would be completely true,
But let's face it: That speech is
You just made my
Instead … let's first celebrate the absurd African stereotypes and clichés that
sometimes actually come true. Join me in a game that I call .....
African Cliché Tic-Tac-Toe
Contestants Me versus all of you
Rules: Photographic evidence of the above clichés scores me/you an X / O on the board.
Unfair head-start: I already have woman with bowl of bananas on head and smiling white guy (Brian) with
horde of barefoot children. Better try to catch up.
In the spirit of Web 2.0 (mandated by Jon / John): User-submitted entries for the last three squares. That
means you emailing me ideas.
Kampala, je t’aime: Two Vignettes
Brian Kelly visited from Hong Kong.
Obviously we went to the local Chinese Restaurant.
It went down like this:
Brian Whats the BEST BEER in Uganda? Brian What's the SECOND BEST BEER in Uganda?
Waiter Tusker!!! Waiter Shmearminov!!!
Brian Bring us two Tuskers Brian Did he say Shmearminov?
Phil Brian, I think he said Smirnoff
(Ten minutes later waiter brings
two crisp refreshing Tuskers Brian Did you say Smirnoff or Shmearminov
Brian is encouraged)
Would you like WHITE SHMEARMINOV or
Brian ...It must be a beer then. One of each, sir!
By now we all know how this is going to end
Looking for fun like this to spice up Law School / unemployment?
Book your ticket to Kampala now
And bring me granola bars and Easy Mac.
Kampala, je t’aime : A second vignette
A group of Ex-pats form a ex-pat dance circle
at the local club “Rouge”
Ski Team Scotty Danceparty Preceded by “The Sprinkler”
9:00 AM Harvard/Yale Michael Jackson Performed twice
7:00 AM Harvard/Yale Office Holiday Party Performed once
Alexis Sklaver’s Bar Mitzvah Not needed
Intoxication Rhythm “The Lawnmower”
Things were going as expected until two vaguely familiar
gentlemen appear on the scene
Up dance two guys much in the spirit, if not the attire, of the Figure 1:
Night at the Roxbury. Hair gelled. One calls the other one quot;bro.quot;
They creepily hover around our group waiting to strike. The
first orbits the dance circle slowly but deliberately (see figure The West Orange Circumnavigation
1: West Orange Circumnavigation) to better position himself. Figure 2:
Like the cheetah to the antelope, he attempts the Teaneck
Pounce and Grind (see figure 2) on the straggling female of the
group. She flees much in the same manner as girls do when
spiders appear, arms flailing in motion of a bike pedal and runs
The Teaneck Pounce and Grind
to the other side of the circle. Undeterred, he circumnavigates
again and in a brilliant tactical maneuver chases her toward the Extended left arm
to block egress
corner of the room. Checkmate – Now he has her right where
he wants her. As seen many times in game parks such as “Park”
and “Mansion“ he unleashes the East Rutherford Pincer (see
figure 3). Only with backup from the rest of the herd is the girl
able to escape. at wall corner
The East Rutherford Pincer
Folks, this may seem like a long pointless story,
but the moral is this:
You can run
You can hide
You can fly somewhere that is 10,000 miles from the
nearest tunnel, bridge or full-service Hess Station
But you can be sure as shit if it's 5am and you’re at a club called
quot;Rougequot; with a group of females, it’s basically inevitable...
Conciliatory shout out to Amelia Page
1. Sup, A.
3. You know why.
How to Skype me in Uganda, an illustrated guide
Dedicated to: Dave Harrison, Moon-The-Houn, Clara Barton, the town of
Fergus, the golden sheet, that bouncer who took off his belt and chased
Santiago out of G-Spa, New Rochelle’s resident entrepreneur Lonny, Sederfest
2k11, Jerry Webb, N. Gregory Mankiw, Helen K, Zach Dennett (BCCed), $49 cots,
Doida in all its forms, Around the World by ATC, Papi, intellectual train recks,
the Chairman, Car Hopping, Elle Burgdorf, Too Much Godfather, Dr. Zizmor,
and the recently-Iday-bereft mujeres of After Office Hidalgo.
And lest I forget -- Frank, you look good tonight.
P.S. Facebook, I hate you (but I’m not in hate with you*)
I hate facebook because sometimes the truth hurts.
Facebook I hate you but I’m not in hate with you
Know anyone in Uganda? Help a
* Stolen from @Nick