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Lit Final Newspaper


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Lit Final Newspaper

  1. 1. Sunday, June 8, 1941 $12.50, Issue 25 But save 115% if you subscribe The Literary Newspaper that encompasses the whole of the AP Lit Universe and is created by its lonesome editor Yama Rahim, daily Family Found Murdered, Freed Criminal Is Prime Suspect As the search for the killer of a family of “others” continues one man remains the prime suspect for the cops. This man, named Meursault, is thought to be the murderer of the Middle Eastern family of Assyrian descent, due to his history of murdering people of Arab descent. Meursault was almost executed for the murder of an Arab man almost four years ago, but was released after a white judge found the evidence to be inadequate at the last minute. And last minute it was, as Meursault was standing right next to the noose as he was freed. The family is thought to be directly related to World War II hero, Yossarian, as he is the only other Assyrian that could be found. When told of his family’s fate, he had this to say, “What? What are you talking about? I don’t even have a family. You must have been looking for someone else, Yossarian doesn’t have a family!” Poor chap must be in denial. Anyways, he then proceeded to return to his base, on an island whose name we cannot reveal at this time, obviously to grieve. This man was promoted to the rank of captain a year ago due to his braveries in bombing one particularly annoying bridge. This bridge had no significance whatsoever, except to serve as a way to promote soldiers to higher ranks and make the war effort, as a whole, look better. Soldiers of Pia- I mean, Unknown Island, we salute you! Thus the search for the killer Meursault continues, as more and more evidence points to Meursault being the true killer. A gun was found at the crime scene, a Smith & Wesson Model 66 .357 Magnum, found to have Meursault’s fingerprints. There was also a note Crazed Soldier Says He Knows the Future with the following message: “The sun was too hot for me, the heat annoyed me, and thus, I shot these people in order to get them to stop throwing the Frisbee that flashed its glaring light at me… - Meursault.” Though this may seem like definitive proof of Meursault’s guilt, the Apparently, a soldier who claims he came from the future, Billy Pilgrim, says he knows what will happen in the coming years. He says he was abducted by Tralfamadorians, aliens who are from the “fourth dimension” and therefore, are not constrained by time. Not only does this sound like a ridiculous notion, but he also proceeded to explain to us what the fourth dimension would actually look like. The image to the left shows what a cube would look like in the fourth dimension. It seems to be a cube within another cube. Mr. Billy Pilgrim has since been taken to a jail. When asked if he saw it coming, he answered, “of course,” after which he was asked why he would want to go to jail. He then proceeded to explain to us how there is no way to change our fates, as these fates are written in stone for us and they will always remain there. He was then taken to a mental ward instead due to his insane state of being. He will be kept there for as long as it takes. A nurse was on hand to explain the procedure for taking care of such loonies. Nurse Ratched said, “We take of this Mr. Pilgrim the same way we take of all of the rest of our patients, with loving care and our utmost attention to help them get back into normal society.” Now there’s a happy ending. Page 1 Page 1
  2. 2. B-25 Bombers Getting Major Upgrades Colonel Cathcart reported to all major journals today that his squadron of bombardiers is all getting new bombers shipped in to them. These new bombers will have cleaner insides, more powerful windshield wipers, and new parachute compartments, as well as a complete redesign of the internal passageways. The cleaner insides will allow for a more hygienic interior for the new longer bombing runs the colonel has planned. The wipers are there to address an earlier complaint of the pilots, thus negating any excuses the soldiers could possibly come up with. The new parachute compartments have the benefit of allowing for an extra layer of armor to be added around them. However, they do come with the consequence of being harder to access. When the colonel was asked of this new added obstacle in the bombardiers’ path to a safe escape, he replied, “These new compartments ensure the safe storage of the parachutes and therefore, keep the possibility of escape open for these men. As for the ‘increased level of difficulty,’ I’m afraid you are utterly mistaken, for if it was a bad upgrade then why would I be getting a promotion for it?” That’s good enough for us, colonel. Finally, the redesigned interior allows for a much more appealing look for these often uncomfortable planes. Of course, the redesign also comes with the consequence of blocking hasty exits for bulkier bombardiers. A picture of one of the new planes can be seen to the right. Milo Minderbinder’s Economic Report Shows General Economic Recovery for the Syndicate, Meaning Recovery for Everyone The latest reports from Milo Minderbinder’s Syndicate shows that all products made at least a small recovery from last month’s slump on pricing. Milo Minderbinder was then reported to have said, “If the Syndicate is making a recovery, then everyone is, because everyone has a share in the Syndicate.” This statement prompted the leaders of six of the world’s major countries to declare the day a national holiday. These countries were Japan, Italy, Spain, South Africa, New Zealand, and Austria, and the holiday was named Milo the Peacemaker Day. The quotes are as follows (all prices go by dollars per package, $/pack): Oranges 7.58 +0.54 Rice 3.87 +1.23 Cotton 10.89 +2.12 Chocolate 4.79 +3.25 Silk 15.43 +0.11 Assorted Guns 25.41 +0.01 B-25 Bomber* 524859.15 +452.04 M-4 Tank* 268140.04 +126.41 Balloons 12.99 +1.45 *These products are sold to alternating sides every day. Today the Bombers are being sold to the Allies, while the Tanks are being sold to the Axis. Sorry for the inconvenience. Page 2 Page 2
  3. 3. Whining Prince Mummy Found In Ancient Castle, Died of Poisoning Along With His Family The mummified remains of a prince were found yesterday, in the remains of an ancient, deserted, and cursed castle. This prince was apparently poisoned by a cut to his arm. Around him lay many other bodies of dead people, found to be related to the prince. This poor family was each killed at by each others’ hands, possibly due to the pathetic nature of the prince and his inability to effectively take revenge for his father’s death even though his father’s ghost came back to him to tell him he was killed by the prince’s uncle. The prince ended seeing his mother drink poison and die, then he killed an opponent with a poisoned blade, then he killed his uncle to avenge his father, and finally he died from a wound from the poisoned blade. All of this information and background details have been discovered through the ingenious scientific method, which allows one to easily hypothesize anything one wants and then prove it, though the techniques used to prove these hypotheses are said to be legitimate but secret. The prince’s name was Hamlet, and the castle he was found in is located in the Danish countryside where none of the locals dare approach due to its being cursed by a curse of cowardice and idiocy. This castle has now been scheduled for deconstruction. Plans are also being made for the creation of a military training camp right on top of the site. The camp will be called Hamlet’s Happy Holiday Camp. It’s going to be made to start churning out Nazi’s by the summer of ’45. Satan Created Two Different Hells, God Gets Ready to Inflict Major Punishment on Satan’s Indecisive Nature Reports show that Satan, also known as the Devil, Lucifer, or Hades among other names, incidentally created two versions of Hell in his indecision on how to keep the world’s sinners in a state of everlasting pain and suffering. These two versions of Hell are quite different indeed, and they show Satan’s devious mind to its fullest extent in creating two unique forms of Hell that exploit two very different sides of the human brain. The first form of Hell is the traditional image of Hell as being a fiery hole surrounded by high, rocky mountains, torturing its victims in the burning pits of brimstone. This version of Hell was the traditional view of Hell, and it looked like this even when Satan was first dropped in Hell in the first place. Hell did not require any input from Satan at all in its initial creation, but he did refine it somewhat by adding some additional punishing mechanisms, as well as a technologically impressive brimstone application system. However, Satan then proceeded to find new ways to torture humans in Hell, and thus he created the newest version of Hell. Three of the newest entries to this Hell are Garcin, a pathetic coward, Estelle, a deceitful murderer, and Ines, a cruel manipulator. These three people, when left in this new Hell acknowledged Satan’s purpose of creating a Hell that is other people. Now God is angry at Satan for creating another Hell, and for creating such a convoluted process for deciding which Hell the sinner goes to. God’s punishment may actually involve locking Satan up in the new Hell, along with a few other dastardly, fallen angels, and seeing if Hell could also be other devils. To the right, Satan is seen cowering in fear of God’s punishment. Page 3 Page 3
  4. 4. Have you ever been put down by all of these high-priced merchandise stores all around the country? Well, no more, because has Milo got a deal for you! Introducing Get all your fresh oranges, rice, cotton, chocolates, silk, guns, And more! Go to your local Milo Market today and experience the Page 4 Page 4
  5. 5. Mental Ward Under Investigation, Harsh Punishments Said To Be Used To the right is an image of the mental ward in question, run by Nurse Ratched this seemingly perfect ward is thought to be the site of some illegal operations. These specific pictures show some holding and operation rooms. The mental ward under the supervision of Nurse Ratched has been charged with conducting illegal operations, such as lobotomies in its operating rooms. These charges were claimed by the police after an anonymous source turned this information in to a police office not too far from the ward. The anonymous source was said to be a large Native American man with a bald head and ward-like clothes. This man is now thought to be the escaped ward patient who is named Bromden. The allegations have been investigated and will continue to be investigated; however they seem to be ridiculous in nature. The idea that a dumb, calm, peaceful, old nurse being able to carry out such experiments is very unlikely, as even when we talked to her she was very gracious and welcoming. The nurse was obviously trying to very nicely train the patient to get back into a normal society. The patient was most likely of the extremely ill kind, who cannot understand the intent of the kind, old nurse and thus take advantage of her. This big Indian will be hunted down and brought to justice as soon as possible. Such grievances against society must not be allowed to walk the streets and dirty our good people with their evil ways. Destroy the Indian! Welcome to everlasting life, where one man can live on through the centuries. In fact, you can be this man, for only a small fee. Actually, women can participate in this exercise as well. All you need to do is visit one special little shop. Guildenstern’s Magic Come on in for a diagnosis and evaluation of the amount and type of potion required for you to attain everlasting life as well. My friend Rosencrantz and I, Guildenstern, are living examples of the effects of this truly magical potion. Come pay us a visit. 789 Greenwoods Way, Marrymounts, Michigan 49799 Page 5 Page 5
  6. 6. Rosencrantz and Ratched’s Pharmacy Center for All We don’t need any flashy advertisements as our products speak for themselves. All of our medicines and drugs are commercial grade and super potent. Also, come on in for a voluntary compatibility treatment, designed to test your suitability with society. We also include a ticket for free admission to mental ward. The services are cooperatively owned by Nurse Ratched, head nurse of the mental ward, and Rosencrantz, a mental patient here at the ward that has been extra nice to the staff. We’re not like the other wards, Rosencrantz himself says, “This ward is lovely. The nurses are lovely. Life is lovely. Be lovely. Join our lovely ward.” Now doesn’t that sound like a happy patient? Join us today. The Ward 1818 Rulings Boulevard Rollingtown, New Mexico 88201 Page 6 Page 6