Meeting with the fuhrer


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Meeting with the fuhrer

  1. 1. Screenplay
  2. 2. Meeting with the Fuhrer By: Gabriel E. Camero FADE IN: Germany, 1934 FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN (V.O.) Hashem is mien light und mien salvation; whom shall I fear? FADE IN: INT. The secretarial office of FräuleinVon Wietzen. There are plain white walls with hard wood floors, two Nazi flags and a picture of Hitler behind the desk and a row of chairs along the left side - Morning. Fräulein Von Wietzen, a beautiful blonde twenty-something with blue eyes and short curly hair, is dead center behind the desk, praying standing up with her head down as is jewish custom. SUPERIMPOSE: Hitler’s Secretary. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Hashem is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? CUT TO: EXT. The front of the Reichstag on a sunny day - Morning. The front steps and door, guarded by two guards, are in clear view as Hitlers Mercedez pulls up with two nazi flags on the front of the hood. ANGLE ON: The hood. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN (V.O.) When evil-doers came upon me to eat my flesh (car pulls in) even my adversaries and foes (sound of door opening), they stumbled and fell (door closes). INT. The office of Fräulein Von Wietzen, - CONTINUOUS ANGLE ON: German to English Dictionary on the desk. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Though a host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; (CONTINUED)
  3. 3. CONTINUED: 2. INT. Reichstag hallway - CONTINUOUS HITLER walks down the hallway, being greeted by FOUR PAIRS OF NAZI GUARDS that are evenly spaced down it. Hitler walks down the hallway until his body fills the frame. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN (V.O.) though war should rise up against me, even then I will be confident. INT. The office of Fräulein Von Wietzen. - CONTINUOUS FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Amen. Fräulein Von Wietzen smiles and sits down, she reaches over, grabs the German English Dictionary and opens it. INSERT: Dictionary page showing the translation of the German word bumser is the English word fucker. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN "" Fräulein Von Wietzen smiles. Hitler is heard outside the doors. FräuleinWietzen quickly puts her book away. Hitler enters and FräuleinVon Wietzen comes out from behind the desk, she greets him. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Good morning mein fucker. HITLER Did you just call me a fucker Fräulein Von Wietzen? FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN What is this word, fucker? HITLER It is the English word for bumser, do I look like a bumser to you? FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN No mein fucker, I just have a cold sir. Fräulein von Wietzen fakes a cough. HITLER I know a Dr, you should see him. (starts to leave) Oh, I have a (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  4. 4. CONTINUED: 3. HITLER (cont’d) runestone of the swastika for you, it means everlasting power. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Yes mein fucker, dankschön mein fucker. HITLER Hm... Hitler walks past Fräulein von Wietzen towards his office. HITLER When her Goebels and her Himmler arrive for their meeting show them right in. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Yes sir. (DOOR CLOSES OS)You may not look like a bumser sir but you do, as the English would say, look like a man who likes to take it up the bum sir. INT. Hitler’s office - CONTINUOUS Hitler is watching the backs of soldiers training out his window, he smiles and strokes his chest. HITLER Hm. INT. Fräulein von Wietzen’s office. - CONTINUOUS FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Fucker. Fräulein von Wietzen throws the runestone in the trash. GOEBELS can be heard OS and enters flamboyantly holding a box of chocolates and a record. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Guten morgen her Goebels, the fucker is expecting you in his office. GOEBELS Did you just say... danka scheone. Goebels walks into Hitler’s office. INT. Hitler’s office. There is an oak desk with two leather chairs in front of it. Behind the desk is a bookshelf and in (CONTINUED)
  5. 5. CONTINUED: 4. the corner there is a crib. In the corner opposite the crib near the door is a record player. - CONTINUOUS Goebels enters the office as Hitler is holding an elaborate knife over a BABY, wearing a black robe. GOEBELS Heil...Hitler? HITLER Heil me. (Hitler cracks up.) GOEBELS Mein fuher, what in the world are you doing? HITLER Just a small ritual, sacraficing human blood brings strength and power. And what better a sacrafice at the dawn of our new empire than a baby? GOEBELS Oh... do you realize that your secretary is refferring to you as "the fucker." Hitler puts the baby on his desk, the knife in his drawer and uses his robe as a blanket. HITLER She has a cold. Are those chocolates and record for me or someone else? GOEBELS For you of course mien fuher. Bavarian chocolates (Goebels sets the chocolates on the desk)and Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde, only the best for you. HITLER Ah, I love Tristan und Isolde, please put the record on. Hitler opens the box of chocolates and savors a piece, the baby reaches for one and Hitler gently reprimands it and moves the chocolates away from it. The music starts and Goebels sits down. (CONTINUED)
  6. 6. CONTINUED: 5. HITLER We made it Goebels. GOEBELS Not without difficulty. HITLER Exactly, that’s why today we need to establish a campaign to focus people on the will of making a better, stronger country, and not so much on the whole extermination thing. We also need to discuss how we will maintain our power while we kill thousands for the betterment of our race, that’s where Himmler comes in. GOEBELS Her Himmler is coming? HITLER Yes, he has a mind for these things in the natural and the supernatural world. GOEBELS Supernatural, like the occult? Does this mean I should get used to seeing you with dead babies? HITLER Well, I’m not going to be making sacrafices all the time, just on the anniversary of my office. GOEBELS Of course, that would be too much of a good thing. HITLER And finding babies to sacrafice gets so hard and frustrating. I think as my years go on I’ll sacrafice older and older subjects. GOEBELS Why let only one age group get all the honor and privelige? Share the wealth. (CONTINUED)
  7. 7. CONTINUED: 6. HITLER Do I hear sarcasm in your voice? HIMMLER (OS) How dare you show such insolence referring to the mighty fuher by such a foul word in such a base and disgusting language as English. He is a God! And what are you but a lowly secretary. GOEBELS Sounds like your Rotweiller is here. HITLER Don’t be jealous Goebels. Himmler enters wearing his SS uniform. He is carrying a plant and a briefcase. HIMMLER Heil Hitler! HITLER What just happened out there? HIMMLER I believe your secretary is either a Jew or of the resistance. Either way she can’t be trusted and must be terminated. HITLER AND GOEBELS She has a cold. HITLER And she doesn’t need to be terminated but must rest, not you yelling at her like that. GOEBELS Nice plant. HIMMLER I apologize mien messiah, I guess I’m just a short person. GOEBELS (Mumbling) No shit. (CONTINUED)
  8. 8. CONTINUED: 7. HITLER Goebels! HIMMLER What did he say? Hitler stands to take the plant. HITLER Never mind. Danka Schone for the plant, (places plant on shelf behind him) I’ll make sure it grows as strong as you. Now, let’s get down to business. Himmler, I need you to help us maintain our power so we can return to the Aryan race of man. HIMMLER Well it’s interesting that you bring that up because I’ve found a way to reach our goal faster. As both of you know, the land we now stand on was once ruled by the great Norse poeple, so there must be some ancient funeral grounds with the souls of warriors left behind. Some of Germany’s greatest cemetaries stand on those ruins. I propose that we publicly release a list of these cemetaries so that people may procreate in them and the souls of Norse warriors may inhabit their conceived baby’s soul. HITLER AND GOEBELS Oh my God. Goebels laughs. HITLER That’s brilliant. Himmler sits down. GOEBELS How did you come up with this? HIMMLER Through deep meditation. (CONTINUED)
  9. 9. CONTINUED: 8. GOEBELS So you came up with this by yourself? HIMMLER With the help of my spiritual guide, yes. GOEBELS And I suppose you have a spiritual guide mien fuher? HITLER I am the messiah so I don’t need one, I am my own. GOEBELS Well, I guess I found a way to distract the people. HITLER Yes? GOEBELS Yes, highlight the fact that they’re being run by occult obsessed lunatics. Hitler stands up. HITLER Her Goebels! You have crossed a few too many lines today and are quickly losing points with me. Goebels stands. GOEBELS I am the Minister of Propaganda! I come in here and find the fuher ready to sacrafice a baby like he was slicing a cake, and I could kind of deal with that, it’s a little challenging but I could cover that up. But I can’t hide it if you publicly, publicly, inform people that your attack dog advises they have sex in cemetaries so ancient ghosts will enter their future baby. Please, you can’t do this to me. (CONTINUED)
  10. 10. CONTINUED: 9. HITLER Well, I guess I hoped that you had a more open mind than that Goebels, but if that’s the way you feel about it I guess we’ll just have to call in someone else. (Hitler sits down) That is, unless you can come up with a campaign to help the master plan. Goebels pauses. GOEBELS Fine, I’ll resign from my office, but I’m taking this (grabs the baby and checks the gender) boy with me and he will grow to be a strong man. Hold on. (puts baby down) Mien fuhrer, pick the baby up and look like your posing for a picture. That’s it. you look like a militant but gentle father. You look like someone whoe could raise a soldier, give me a boy and I’ll make him a man. We’ll make our soldiers look so good that people will want to be them and eve be willingt to sign their sons up early. Competition would be so great between young couples that people may even start going to cemetaries just to better their chances. Hitler laughs. HITLER Welcome back. HIMMLER Shall we contact Madame Plavatsky to celebate? HITLER Great idea. GOEBELS Isn’t she dead? HITLER Yes, but there is a ritual that allows people to communicate with the dead through meditation. (CONTINUED)
  11. 11. CONTINUED: 10. Hitler goes and turns off the record. Himmler is looking through his briefcase. HIMMLER I have my robe with me. GOEBELS Well mine’s at home so I’ll leave you guys alone. HITLER Oh, don’t worry, I have extras. Let me just ask my secretary for some tea, these rituals always make me a little dehydrated. (Picks up phone) Fraulien Von Wietzen could you bring us some tea? Oh, and get this baby out of here. GOEBELS (To Himmler)You’re enjoying this aren’t you. Himmler smiles. HITLER The baby I brought in earlier this week... Stop asking so many questions. Hitler hangs up the phone. HIMMLER I forgot my knife. HITLER I have extras of those too. Hitler pulls from his desk drawer three ornamental knives and gives one to Himmler and Goebels. Hitler and Himmler start opening their shirts wide, exposing their chests, Goebels follows suit. GOEBELS What exactly are we doing? Hitler hands Goebels the robe that he used as a blanket for the baby. He holds the baby in his left hand and the knife in the right. HITLER We are going to chant an acient incantation while holding these (MORE) (CONTINUED)
  12. 12. CONTINUED: 11. HITLER (cont’d) knives over our hearts. As we are chanting we are slowly going to push the knives in unitl we draw some blood. A few moments after this Madame Plavatsky should pop inot our heads and thus we’ll be able to communicate with her. GOEBELS Ok. Sounds good. The men put their robes on, stand in a circle with Goebels inbetween Hitler and Himmler, and hold their knives to their chests. GOEBELS My robe smells like piss. Enter Fräulein Von Wietzen. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Fucker, what are you doing with a baby. Wait, what are you doing now? HITLER Something vital to the rise of the Aryan man. Goebels mouths help me. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Ok. Fräulein Von Wietzen walks over and picks up the baby. She stops at Goebels, sniffs and looks at him strangely. Exit FräuleinVon Wietzen and baby. HITLER AND HIMMLER Oh ancient spirits, fill us with your wisdom. INT. The office of Fräulein Von Wietzen. - CONTINUOUS Fräulein Von Wietzen puts laxatives in the tea. INT. Hitler’s office - CONTINUOUS Enter Fräulein Von Wietzen. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Your tea mien fucker. Her Goebels, your wife has called, she is ill and requesting your presence. (CONTINUED)
  13. 13. CONTINUED: 12. GOEBELS Well gentlemen, I would love to stay, but as the lady said my wife needs me. Keep up the good work and good luck. Exit FräuleinVon Wietzen and Goebels. HIMMLER The ritual is best with three. HITLER We’ll just have to try again later. HIMMLER Where did you find the baby? FräuleinVon Wietzen pokes her head in. FRÄULEIN VON WIETZEN Sorry to interrupt, but there is apparantly an issue at SS headquaters. FräuleinVon Wietzen takes her head out. HIMMLER I guess I must leave you mien messiah. Himmler takes off the robe and starts buttoning his shirt. HITLER Here, take the tea with you. Hitler slides the tea closer to Himmler. HIMMLER Danka schoene. Hitler moves in closer to Himmler. HITLER You know, you should come visit me at the Berghof this weekend, the family is going to visit my wife’s parents and I’ll be all alone. HIMMLER There is nothing I would love more. Farewell, for now. Exit Himmler (CONTINUED)
  14. 14. CONTINUED: 13. INT. The office of FräuleinVon Wietzen, - CONTINUOUS Himmler walks past the desk and takes a sip of the tea. HIMMLER Great tea. FRÄULEINVON WIETZEN Danka schoene. FräuleinVon Wietzen smiles sinisterly. INT. Hitler’s office - CONTINUOUS Hitler sits down, takes a sip of his tea. HITLER Mmm Hitler takes another sip. On the third sip sounds of defecation come from Hitler as he shits himself. FADE OUT.