The Friday Aggravate 18-11-2005

286 views

Published on

Published in: Spiritual, Health & Medicine
0 Comments
0 Likes
Statistics
Notes
  • Be the first to comment

  • Be the first to like this

No Downloads
Views
Total views
286
On SlideShare
0
From Embeds
0
Number of Embeds
1
Actions
Shares
0
Downloads
4
Comments
0
Likes
0
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

The Friday Aggravate 18-11-2005

  1. 1. AFL Media release to ABC Radio National 11/11/2005 2006 Season in doubt. With the announcement of the Federal Governments new laws on terrorism, and its implications, two teams have automatically been banned from the league. The Bombers, and the Dockers. The first due to the possibility of being a training facility, and the second, as the possible handlers of banned agricultural chemicals used in the preparation of explosives. The Federal Minister for Health and Senior Health Department officials have observed that the possible pandemic of Avian Influenza could decimate our population. To this end the following teams have been sidelined for the season. The Crows, the Eagles, the Hawkes, the Magpies, and the Swans. Because of the fears that the Avian Influenza has the propensity to mutate to other species of the animal kingdom, the following have also been warned of possible bans from playing the 2006 season. The Bulldogs, the Cats, the Kangaroos, the Lions, and the Tigers. Lastly, the AFL’s rules on vilification would suggest that the Demons and the Saints would by nature of their names, fall by the wayside as well. The end result being that the Blues are almost guaranteed to find a top position in the 2006 season if all of the above takes place but they must get over the Power, (if its not turned off) the only other side left to play against. Good way to start the week.......................... From Jennifer I Am Thankful, I truly am. FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 1
  2. 2. FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS. FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS. FOR THE TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED. FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE. FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME. FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION. FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL I AM WARM. ! FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR. FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME. Housework was woman's work! 2
  3. 3. But one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished -- something's up. It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. quot;We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening.quot; quot;But what about afterward?quot; asked her friends. quot;Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired...quot; Three men are sitting at a bar in Chinese Taipei and are discussing the presents they had bought for their wives. 三個男人正在酒吧中討論他們買給自己老婆的禮物。 The first says: quot;I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 6 secondsquot; 第一個男人說:「我買了一個可以在六秒內從 0 到 100 的東西」 The other 2 guys don't know what he's talking about so he reveals quot;I bought her a nice Porsche 911RSquot; 另兩個男人不知道他指的是什麼,所以他揭露答案:「我買給我老婆一 台相當不錯的 保時 捷」 The second guy says: quot;I bought something which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds. 第二個男人也說:「我買了個可以在四秒內從 0 到 100 的東西。」 quot;That HAS to be a Ferrari - right? quot; 「那一定是法拉利,對吧?」 quot;Yeah that’s right! I bought my wife a nice red Ferrariquot; 答對了!我買給我老婆一台相當棒的紅色法拉利」 The third one says quot; I bought my wife something which goes from 0 to 100 in just 2 seconds 第三個男人開口說:「我買給我老婆一個在兩秒內從 0-100 的東西。」 quot;THAT CAN'T BE - The Ferrari is the fastest car in the world?!quot; 「不可能的!法拉利是世界上最快的車種了!」 quot;Well - it's not a car, but ..quot; 「恩...那不是一台車啦...那是.....」 Go to the next page. 3
  4. 4. Man goes to the zoo... but when he arrives there is only a dog... it was a shitzu. -- Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, quot;Where did you get such a great bike?quot; The second engineer replied, quot;Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, quot;Take what you want.quot; The first engineer nodded approvingly. quot;Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted.quot; -- Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs. -- A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he is driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, quot;Charlie what are you doing?quot; Charlie replies, quot;Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!quot; The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, quot;Well Charlie how was your trip?quot; Charlie says, quot;I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.quot; quot;That's great,quot; replied the nurse, quot;I'm glad you had a safe trip.quot; The nurse leaves Charlies room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, quot;Ed what the 4
  5. 5. hell are you doing?quot; To which Ed replies, quot;Ssssshhhh, I'm shagging Charlie’s wife while he's in Melbournequot;. -- Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty... quot;Who's been eating my porridge?!!quot; he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. quot;Who's been eating my Porridge?!!quot; he roars. Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, quot;How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear who got up first, it was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mama Bear who made the coffee, it was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mama Bear who set the table, it was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asres downstairs, and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time... I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!quot; -- As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side. When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, quot;Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me. The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast. quot;Harder!quot; Camilla yelled. quot;Harder!quot; quot;I'm trying, darling!quot;. The Prince yelled back. quot;It's just so bloody tight!quot; quot;Come on! Give it all you've got!quot; There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, quot;There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!quot; In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, quot;See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin.quot; Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!quot; exclaimed the heir to the throne. At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, quot;That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!quot; 5
  6. 6. -- In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time, so she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. quot;I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the wall and praying?quot; quot;For about 60 years.quot; quot;60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?quot; quot;I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.quot; quot;How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?quot; quot;Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall.quot; -- THE MODERN NOAH In the year 2005 the Lord came to Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, quot;Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. You need to build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nightsquot;. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his Yard - but no Ark. quot;Noah!quot; He roared, quot;I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark? quot;Forgive me, Lord,quot; begged Noah, quot;but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen. Then I had problems getting the wood. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered species, the spotted quoll. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the quolls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. 6
  7. 7. Then the local council ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many indigenous people I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The Immigration department is checking the status of most of the people who want to work and I've even had a letter from Amanda Vanstone asking about my ethnic background! The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the Taxation department has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, quot;You mean you're not going to destroy the world?quot; quot;No,quot; said the Lord. quot;The Government beat me to it.quot; Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, quot;I'm the luckiest guy in the worldquot;. quot;Why is that?quot; said the other tramp. quot;Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $50. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days.quot; The other tramp said, quot;That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days.quot; quot;Jesusquot;, said the first tramp. quot;You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?quot; quot;Wellquot;, the other tramp said, quot;No, I never found her head.quot; A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when,to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. quot;Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!quot; quot;I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!quot; quot;If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!quot; she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!quot; So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's 7
  8. 8. others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?quot; one asked. quot;Oh yes!quot; he replied, gasping in air. quot;It feels so wonderfully free!quot; Another runner moved a long side. quot;Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?quot; “Oh, yesquot; our friend answered breathlessly. quot;That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, quot;Do you always wear a condom when you run?quot; quot;Nope.........just when it's rainingquot; Well that’s it, what more do you want at the end of a busy week? Milk in you tea or something. Anyway just keep ‘em coming, and then everybody can smile at least once for the week. 8

×