Tips from the game’s
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OF SIN CIT
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JOKE OF THE MONTH!
A nun and a priest are traveling across the
desert when the camel they’ve been riding
dies. After being stranded for several days, “What did I do wrong?” the boy asks.
A little boy living in the country hates his
they give up hope of being rescued. “Someone pushed the outhouse into
family’s outhouse—which sits on the edge
“Before I die, I’d like to see a woman the creek today,” the father replies. “It
of a creek—because it’s hot in the summer,
naked,” the priest says. “Sister, would you was you, wasn’t it, son?”
cold in the winter and always reeks.
take off your clothes so I can look at you?” One spring day, there’s a huge rain The boy admits to the deed, then
The nun hesitates, but grants the man shower and the creek swells. The boy adds, “I learned in school today that
his last wish. Once nude, the nun says, decides this is his chance to get rid of the George Washington chopped down a
“Actually, Father, I’ve never seen a man stink shack, so he grabs a sturdy stick cherry tree and didn’t get in trouble
naked. Would you strip down?” and begins pushing it. Finally, he tips the because he told his dad the truth.”
The priest gets nude, and the nun outhouse into the creek and it floats away. “But, son,” the father says, “Washing-
exclaims, “Father, what is that thing That night, the boy’s dad tells him to ton’s dad wasn’t in the cherry tree.”
hanging between your legs?” prepare for a spanking. Geoff Langston, Terre Haute, IN
“It’s a gift from God,” the priest replies.
“If I put it in you, it creates life.”
“Forget about me,” the nun says.
“Stick it in the camel’s ass and let’s get
the hell out of here!”
Sean Eldridge, Bridgeport, CT
During an interview for a switch-operator
position at the railroad, the chief engineer
asks a job candidate, “What would you do
if the Northern Express was heading north
on track one and the Southern Central was
going south on the same track?”
“I would definitely call my brother,”
the interviewee responds.
“Why on earth would you call your
brother?” the chief engineer asks.
“Because he’s never seen a train wreck
before,” the applicant replies.
Steven Burt, Cape Coral, FL
A man is having a pint of beer in a bar
when a gremlin comes in and gets a
drink. The gremlin downs his beverage,
then runs down the bar, sticks his head
in the man’s beer and shakes it around. One Saturday, an older man and a hot “Yeah, sorry about that,” the man says
The man is confused, yet entertained. young woman walk into an expensive fur with a smile. “But I wanted to thank you
The creature gets another drink, then runs store. “Show the lady your finest mink for the best weekend of my life!”
over to stick his head in the man’s beer and coat!” the man demands of the owner. Jon Hardwick, Joliet, IL
shake it around again. The owner retrieves the store’s best
After the gremlin repeats this once mink. The young woman tries it on and
more, the man finally loses his patience, loves it. “Sir,” the owner whispers to the
MAKE US LAUGH!
grabs the beastie by the scruff of his neck man, “that fur costs $50,000.”
ILLU S T R AT I O N S B Y NIS H A NT CHOK SI
and yells, “If you stick your head in my “No problem,” the man replies. ‘I’ll It’s time to return the
beer one more time, I’ll rip your dick off!” write you a check!”
and a stretch favor by sending us your
“I don’t have one,” the gremlin replies. “You can pick up the coat on Monday, best gags. Joke of the
“If you don’t have one,” the man asks, after the check clears,” the owner says. Month earns $200; the
“how do you piss?” On Monday, the man returns to the rest that we print get $50.
has pricks on
“Like this,” says the gremlin before store on his own.
Mail to: Bar Room Jokes, FHM,
sticking his head in the man’s beer and “How dare you show your face in
110 Fifth Ave., New York, NY 10011,
shaking it around. here!” the owner screams. “There wasn’t
or submit to FHMUS.com/jokes
a penny in your account.”
Kyle Winston, Scottsbluff, NE Overland Park, KS
28 AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
ar-5 holes off of your front foot to
WOODS are the best make it easier for you
opportunity to get the ball in the air.
GETTING you have at an And remember to keep
eagle on most courses. your tempo even. Don’t
TO THE Improve your chances try to kill the ball; it’ll
by bringing your hands get there all by itself.
down on the club a bit
GREEN for a little more control. PHOTOGRAPHY BY
Keep the ball aligned PERRY HAGOPIAN
How to club an eagle, by FHM golf
columnist and LPGA star Natalie Gulbis
QUEEN OF CLUBS
S T Y LI N G B Y RU T H K A H N; H A I R A ND M A K E U P B Y M A R Y RO CKWO OD - C R A B T R EE FO R EN V Y A R T I S T S ;
HA I R C A R E B Y K I E H L’ S ; CO S M E T I C S B Y CHR I S TI A N D I O R ; S H I R T A N D S K I R T B Y AD I DA S
FHMUS.COM AUGUST 2006
Johan Santana has hitters figured out
before they can adjust their jocks
pitch to a lot of batters. And when
I it comes to remembering every
hitter’s patterns, I’m like my own
computer. I remember sequences,
pitch counts, everything—like the
speed and location of a pitch a
guy hits hard. From there I make
adjustments. When I strike a hitter
out, I know how they swung and what
kind of approach they took. It helps
that every pitch I throw is on video or
on a game chart, so I can study what
happened during every outing.
Tipping your cap
Having cameras everywhere that
keep track of everything
you do can also be a huge
disadvantage. A pitcher can
make the smallest gesture
on the mound before he
throws a particular pitch.
I L LU S T R AT I O N B Y S TA N WAT T S ; S A N TA NA H E A D S H OT B Y A ND RE W A LVA R EZ / G ET T Y I MAG ES
He may not even be aware
that he’s developed this
tick. Some guys stand on
one side of the rubber
when they want to throw
a breaking ball. Others move their Making changes Making mistakes
head, shake their finger or drop their As the game progresses and you If I throw a guy a certain pitch and he
hand when they’re changing their get into situations where you have hits it, it’s not a mistake. A mistake
grip. Hitters and coaches will pick it runners on base, you don’t want to to me is when I try to throw a pitch
up right away and take advantage. make too many adjustments. You inside and the ball runs over the
But it’s a two-way street. I watch want to be aggressive and use your middle of the plate and the batter
everything on a hitter from head to best pitch. Stay with whatever pitch gets a hit. I didn’t throw the pitch
toe. I know when they’re trying to is working until you know that hitters to the location where I wanted it.
extend their arms to try to go the are getting comfortable or they’ve Throwing a good pitch the way you
other way. I know when they’re made adjustments. That’s when I want it and giving up a hit—whether
looking for a fastball because they try adjust myself. I never pitch a hitter it’s a single or a home run—is not a
to stay back in the box. If they extend the same way. I also don’t hide any mistake. I think that’s good hitting.
their legs in a swing or if they get in pitches from a batter until late in the But I’ll go back and throw that
front of a ball, I can tell just what type game. I’ll throw everything I’ve got at same pitch again, and if they hit it
of pitch they’re looking for. From that, anytime to any hitter. My job is to get again, well, maybe then I have to do
you decide on your next pitch. that guy out. something else.
46 A U G U S T 2 0 0 6 F H M U S . C O M
IS ch brewed
W Jim Ko
In 1984, in his kitchen
Sam Adam family recipe. By
BE YOUR d
from an ol ’85, his company ’s
the end of hed 500 barrels
MAN sales reac day, it’s over
per year. illion.
With four new beers out for summer, Sam Adams founder Jim Koch is in a talkative
mood—though it’s roosters, unicorns and mules he wants to talk about
Your new beers are inspired by Sam
Adams’s fellow brewer-patriots
Want to be the
Washington, Madison and Jefferson.
next Jim Koch?
Why should anyone care about
Start with these
Number one, it’s pretty tasty. Back
in the colonies, they made beers to
maximize flavor, not to minimize it.
Number two, they used some pretty
cool ingredients such as ginger, honey,
sassafras and licorice. And given the
“ T H E B R E W M A S T E R ” B Y TO M CO N L O N ; “ B U I L D A NE W B E E R ! ” B Y DAN R E I L LY; KOCH: PE T E R K R A M E R / G E T T Y I M AGE S ; I L L U S T R AT IO N BY AN DY PA R K E R
amount they drank, our founders were
probably buzzed a lot of the time. BREW POWDER
Available in all
Why were they always drinking?
Sanitation. The biggest sources of death styles of beer,
back then were waterborne diseases Munton’s ingredient
such as typhoid and cholera. There was kits are pre-blended
no Gatorade, so beer was their major mixes of hops,
malt and yeast.
‘I keep a Breathalyzer
in my briefcase and
another one in my car’
source of hydration. Plus, they used to It’s about a month out of the brewery. sample of every batch of beer we
leave more yeast in it, which meant A bottle might be two or three months. make. In my office now I’ve got two
more nutrients. It was food for them. cases and a mini fridge full of drafts.
Ever brewed something heinous?
Nothing terrible, but we’ve made some
Dirty tap lines make beer taste crappy. What do you look for when tasting?
extreme stuff. Once I dug up a medieval I know what the perfect Sam Adams
True or bullshit? CAULDRON
It’s absolutely true. Bacteria grow in tap recipe that called for two roosters. We tastes like, and I’d say we get it only Dump your mix into
lines that aren’t clean, threw them into the kettle maybe 20 percent of the time. It’s like a fermenter, like this
which you’ll get a sour, feathers, feet and all. The a mythological beast. Twenty percent seven-gallon beast
THE MAN BEHIND
acidic taste from. About brew was meant to be of the time we get unicorns and from Blichmann. Add
one in six draft beers served at weddings to the other 80 we get thoroughbreds. sugar and water and
served in the U.S. doesn’t “fortify the resolve of an Thoroughbreds are fine, but my job let sit for a few days.
meet the brewer’s elderly groom.” We called is to try to get unicorns every time. www.fermenator.com
standards. I know this it Old Cock Ale. It tasted What’s the worst tasting beer you’ve
because we do 15,000 a bit like chicken broth. ever been subjected to?
draft quality audits per year. Those Someone served me a 10-year-old
And did it fortify anyone’s resolve?
were the numbers we were getting in We drank too much of it to remember. Sam Adams once. That was pretty bad.
bars when we started doing them five He’d kept it in his basement, thinking
How many beers until you’re ripped?
years ago. We’re now down to about If I drink three in the first hour and that it was going to age and get
4.5 percent for Sam Adams. two an hour for a couple of hours, better. He was like, “I’ve been saving
I’m blowing about a .12. I keep a this.” I knew something was wrong as
What’s better then: Sam Adams out
Breathalyzer in my briefcase and soon as I looked at it and smelled it. STORAGE
of the tap or out of the bottle?
The tap, if you get a good one. Tap another one in my car. It was like 10-year-old liquid bread. It Buy bottles, caps and
beer is the best expression of the was horrible. That was no unicorn. In a capping machine.
How many beers do you drink per day?
brewer’s intent because it’s fresher. Two or three, plus tastings. I get a fact, it wasn’t even a mule. Bottle your beer, add
for carbonation and
store for two weeks.
56 A U G U S T 2 0 0 6 F H M U S . C O M www.morebeer.com
SICKO ON A
Need a better reason than melanoma to stay indoors this summer?
Tune in as Travis Pastrana spanks gravity at the X Games
o milk maximum awesome-
T ness from the dripping teat
of summer X Games insanity,
stick to the freestyle moto-
cross event and keep your peepers
glued to rider No. 199. Chances are,
Travis Pastrana will sputter away with
gold as he’s done in five of his last six
X Games appearances.
And despite a crash in 1999 that left
him in a wheelchair for three months,
the 22-year-old Annapolis, MD, native
is constantly tempting death to push
the limits of his sport. Recently, he
became the first and only rider to ever
2006 X Games air
stick a double back flip (shown here),
August 3 to 6 on
long considered the holy grail of free-
ESPN and ABC.
style. Read on for Pastrana’s preview of
this August’s X Games, followed below
by his guided tour of the one trick you
won’t see this summer.
6 5 4
MEET DIRT KEEP SPINNING PUNCTURE THE CLOUDS
“As soon as I felt the second rotation “During the second rotation, I was just “You can’t really spin much faster than
come to a rideable angle, I extended hoping the bike would come around. I you do in a normal back flip. Instead, you
my body to brace for impact and landed crashed six times before this attempt, have to jump nearly twice as high to pull
really hard. The double flip isn’t a lot of two rotations. A 25-foot jump hurts when
but this time I just decided that, under
you fall—a 45-foot jump can kill you.”
fun—I hope I never do it again.” no circumstances, would I bail out.”
58 AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
3 2 1
THE URGE TO LAND LAUNCH YOURSELF BACKWARDS TEAR INTO THE APPROACH
“On a single flip, you land when you “Speed gets you more time in the air,
“As soon as I reached the top of the
see the ground for the first time. On the ramp, I threw everything I had off the plus the takeoff was nearly vertical, so I
double, you need the confidence to look needed to hit it going much faster than
back of the bike to start the rotation.
toward the sky and keep accelerating at I would on an average jump. I headed
I closed my eyes and pulled the bike
this point. It doesn’t feel right.” close to my body.” into this one at about 50 mph.”
FHMUS.COM AUGUST 2006
WISyour car’s fuel
ng the tire
by checki h
efficiency riving on tires wit
re. D s.
pressu es more ga own
low air us n sells his
◆ Willie n
brand of biioWillie.”
Have more four-wheeled summer fun
than hijacking a Good Humor truck
UI T F
C R ES
How to borrow
5 SECONDS www.dodge.com
Get a leak-free tube
that’s clear, as not to
swallow any gas, and
a tank or a can for
transporting all the
valuable liquid. You’ll
also need a mouth
and some lungs.
“ ROA D T RI P P E RS ” B Y RO B R E E D ; “ G A S G U ZZ LE R ” B Y DA N RE I LLY; IL L U S T R AT IO N S B Y PET ER L I D D I A R D
L I FO
H ES T
SA B E
Hold the open
end of the tube up
higher than the
end in the full tank.
PER GALLON VOLUME Start sucking. Gas is
42/36 thinner than water,
108.9 so it fills quicker. Try
(HIGHWAY / not to swallow fuel.
Make sure your can
is lower than the
original gas source.
Put the open end of
the tube into the gas
can and let gravity
take over. Then leave
60 AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM a thank-you note.
I NS T A N
WI SDO T
company yson, star of his
first Dyson’s TV ads, built the
BE YOUR prot
in 1983. Th otype vacuum
OWN available e first unit
didn’t follo the public
MAN w un
years late til 10
F I LT H
3 Canned twisters
Peek inside the new Dyson DC14 Drive’s
mighty cyclone to see why dirt, dust and
even your fleas will soon be extinct
1 L.A.-grade materials
4 The final insult
5 For Geico customers
2 Cheeto trapper
T E X T B Y TO M CO N LON
62 AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM
GE T P LU G G E D I N !
MUSIC FILM TV DVD GAMES
Learn to bust ghosts
FOR TIH KS
C On Court TV’s Haunting
E Evidence, ghost hunter
MONTH Patrick Burns whips out
BEST ’S such sweet equipment
as the thermal imaging
camera pictured here. The
show airs Wednesdays at
10:30 p.m., and more on
Burns’s equipment is at
3 Vice lord
In the ’80s, Michael Mann
gave us Miami Vice. Then
he made some movies you
might have heard of such
as Heat, Ali and Collateral.
See how he revives
Solve Biggie’s murder
Derrick Parker, former head of the
NYPD’s hip-hop task force, dishes
insider info on rapland slayings in
his book Notorious C.O.P.
9 Cash’s last song
Swayze’s best worst movie
VO N D : A N D R E W S O U T H A M ; C AS H : M A R T Y N ATKI NS
Cinema’s top grandpa Scan
On July 26, Alan Arkin steals Kelis shakes
the show as a porn-obsessed, Watch things up
heroin-shooting grandfather animators
in Little Miss Sunshine. color in
Keanu Reeves Cellular knockout
5 with the trippy This month’s top phone
Kat Von D is one of the most A Scanner game: Super K.O. Boxing,
successful female tattoo Darkly. a shamelessly excellent
artists in the world, and clone of Super PunchOut!
now she’s joining Miami
Ink. Season two debuts
FHMUS.COM AUGUST 2006
July 18 at 10 p.m. on TLC.
You guys made Jason Mewes (Jay) Smith I let Mewes monitor. If I did the
Clerks for $27,575 This is the first time helm some shots, scene wrong, I say
and Clerks II for I’ve been sober on but generally I don’t that Mewes fucked
Jay and Silent Bob on catering, bunk beds and real-life clerking $5 million. What a movie. On Jay and act that much. If up and we need to
was the biggest Silent Bob Strike you look closely, do it over.
difference in having Back, I was so hung- I watch whoever is Did you spoil your-
that much cash? over I was always speaking and react self with a gold-
Kevin Smith (Silent sleeping on the mats to it, but I’m think- spigoted Slurpee
Bob; writer/director) they used for stunts. ing, “Did that work? machine when
This time everyone Kevin, does Jason Do we need to do Clerks hit it big?
got paid and we had direct when you’re it again?” Then, Smith I bought a
catering. On the first in a scene? I watch it on the Dodge Neon. It was
one, I told the $16,000 and made
cast and crew of plastic, but it was
to eat whatever my first new car. I
they wanted also got the entire
in the conven- video library of
ience store. Degrassi Junior High.
We subsisted It wasn’t commer-
on Pop-Tarts, cially available, so it
Slim Jims and ran me $5,000. Now
Yoo-hoo. you can buy the
IS Dante and SOON!
In Clerks ork at a
Randal w -food chain
cow-them d Mooby ’s.
Lee and B s in
◆ Jason f role
have brie .
“ CL ER K S I I ” B Y A N D R EW VO N T Z; CLERKS II: T HE W EIN S T E I N CO M PA N Y, 2 0 0 6 / DA R R E N
whole fucking show What was the worst
for $29. Mewes thing you saw while
M ICH A E L S ; S U P ER EX : MYL E S A RON OW IT Z; L ADY IN THE WAT ER: F R AN K MAS I
YOU, ME AND DUPREE MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND
bought bunk beds. clerking?
Mewes I lived in Smith The Jay and After his best friend gets married, Owen Wilson More terrifying than the thought of an ex-
the same room as Bob types who hung refuses to leave the new couple’s house. What girlfriend breaking out her hidden superpowers
another dude. There out in front. They this film defines as rude, many may see as the for revenge is that both Luke and Owen Wilson
tried to rob the store world’s best wedding present. star in separate romantic comedies this month.
On Clerks, blind. I don’t know
why I cared, but this
we sub- one kid tried to steal
sisted on something and I
threw him out. As I
Slim Jims was leaning out the
door, the mother-
was a king bed on fucker kicked the
bottom, which was door and it hit me
mine. I had a mirror in the face. I got
TALLADEGA NIGHTS LADY IN THE WATER
on top of my bed. showed up by a
Smith That’s a mixed 14-year-old. As a simple-minded NASCAR star, Will Ferrell M. Night Shyamalan’s latest features Paul
message for girls: defends America’s sport against an incursion by Giamatti as a building superintendent who
There’s a mirror, but a foreign driver. Despite being French, the new
r discovers a living fairy-tale character in his
Clerks II hits theaters
it’s a bunk bed. driver doesn’t immediately surrender. pool. Isn’t chlorine supposed to kill that shit?
TV Comic Jeffrey Ross lifts a leg on Tinsel- Bad sports
town ignorance—just like he does in
his new cartoon Where My Dogs At?
“ C A L L I E T H O R N E” A N D “ H O L LYWO O D B I T ES I T ! ” B Y DAN N Y S P I EG EL; T HO RN E: SIMO N /F ERREI RA/S TAR T R AKS P HOTO . CO M
screwed up my
first line and John
Scurti, who plays Celebrity feuds
Lou, threw his Plastic surgery
script and said,
“This is gonna be
a long fuckin’
day!” I laughed
so hard I almost
peed. Now it’s no-
day I burped near
Denis and his face
went four shades
of disgust. I said,
‘That’s the best “It means I’m
How does your
you’ve got? That’s comfortable with
swearing stack up
not funny.’ Denis you.” He was like,
with the guys?
I can compete. [Leary] always “God forbid you
The guys are all does that to me. be a little less
about topping comfortable.”
When did you
each other’s know this was a
jokes. I try to join no-BS group? Rescue Me airs
in, but half the My first scene in Tuesdays at 10
time they say, the firehouse. I p.m. on FX.
A N ATO M Y
C-list actor Michael
Roof Jr. invites his
In anticipation of Shark Week, learn
redneck family and
what makes Spielberg’s meal ticket
their pig to live
the king of the ocean
with him in Holly-
wood. Spike TV, Sensitive snouts
Thursdays, 10 p.m.
“ B U I LT FO R G R EAT N ES S ” B Y S TEV E MA R Z O L F; S H A R K : C AR L RO ES S LER /GET T Y IMAGES
Poker’s top 250
players hit the felt
after $2.5 million. Smart heads
The Travel Channel,
Metal lovers com-
pete to front Flying bodies
Tommy Lee’s band.
Shark Week starts
July 30 on the
WIS py premiered
◆ Ren & kelodeon
ats on Nic
with Rugr mornings in 1991.
on Sund of John K’s first
◆ One as an
d jobs was
Hollywoo on a revival of
Pushing a DVD of racy Ren & Stimpy episodes, creator John K
explains how he repeatedly offended Nickelodeon
Hot women “Nickelodeon TV exec- type of booger was beautifully
utives prevented us from putting drawn, but the network edited it
things we wanted on Ren & Stimpy so you barely see the bench. They
all the time,” John K says. “I always said, ‘Kids don’t like boogers.’ I said,
wanted sexy girls on the show, but ‘Have you ever met a kid?’”
they said it sent a bad message to Republicans “The execs hated Ren
girls who aren’t sexy. Well, if we and Stimpy’s master, George Liquor,”
“A N I M A L H AT E R S ” BY J E N A DA M S
draw athletic guys, does that send a John K says. “He was a Republican and
bad message to wimps? You need many of them were lesbians, so they
good- looking women in cartoons to hated Republicans. In one episode
give kids something to look up to.” George disciplines the boys, then
Boogers “There’s a classic scene in Ren bludgeons the crap out of him.
which Stimpy shows Ren his collec- They saw it and fired me. I kept say-
tion of magic nose goblins—the ing, ‘This makes fun of Republicans!
hardened boogers he keeps under a I’m not condoning it!’ But I guess that
piano bench,” John K says. “Every broke the camel’s back.”
A DV E RT I S E M E N T & P RO M OT I O N
WANT A COMPLIMENTARY MUSTANG RINGTONE?
Text “fhm” to FORD1 and receive access to
ringtones and wallpapers of an automotive icon, the Ford “Mustang.”
RAY ROMANO AND KEVIN JAMES
Complimentary Mustang downloads are also accessible via
SERVE UP THE LAUGHS IN GRILLED!
Two kings of comedy in one hysterical new film!
New Line Home Entertainment presents Grilled, available on DVD July 11.
Ray Romano and Kevin James play meat salesmen who are out to
close the deal of a lifetime while dodging mobsters and killers.
But will they end up as dead meat instead?
Also stars Burt Reynolds and Juliette Lewis.
*Standard messaging, data and other rates may apply.
Available on participating carriers and with internet-enabled mobile phone only.
74 AUGUST 2006 FHMUS.COM