A. ABC cancels long-running soap "All my children". The last viewer, a 114 year old man from Montana, died today. * A caste system inside a company creates unproductiveness. * Actor Warren Beatty slept with almost 13000 women, but no G-spot. *Actress Jessica Biel the most dangerous celebrity to search in cyberspace. Tell me. My mom would kill me if she caught me. *A dream creates a temporary reality. Some people hear a big bang when they wake up. * A fractal indicates a lack of creativity. * Alcohol more harmful than heroin, crack or cocaine, scientists claim. Amy Winehouse wants a second opinion. *Adopted Man finds out his biological father is Charles Manson. Daddy is so proud. He’s planning a surprise party for his son. * America broke? No way! The standard of living is still as high as in Kenya. *American students do poorly in science, report says. The Government is considering re- opening Operation Paperclip. * America is great. Last month we went camping in California. We got free food stamps everywhere. * Americans number one pot-smoking. Barrack Obama defends his own weed-time by saying he thought he was smoking the peace pipe. *
Amusing: Marie Osmond as stewardess in the Sonny & Cher Show in 1976. I really love overacting girls. * Angela Merkel seizes power, but still calls Germany Europe. *An Occupy activist comes to the doctor and he puts a tent up in the consulting room. The doctor says: I give you five days. * An old video proves that Lady Gaga isn’t a man. I can’t wait for the video that proves Lady Gaga is a lady. * Anthony Weiner proves American politics is all about sticky little fingers. *A Pennsylvania woman claims Donald Duck grabbed her breast at the Walt Disney World park. Donald says he was just counting the eggs. * Apple App Store reaches 10 billion downloads. That explains why my download took 10 billion seconds. * Are spirits dreamers? * Arnold Schwarzenegger jumping Brigitte Nielsen is a better plot than Mitt Romney jumping Sarah Palin. * Arnold Schwarzenegger organized a garage sale to prevent California bankruptcy. A garage sale by Playboy Hugh Hefner could save the nation. * Arsenal-manager Arsène Wenger: Premier League no longer a Scrooge McDuck competition. Every teams a winner. *
A schoolgirl’s attempt to sail solo around the world lasted just 24 hours. But Jessica Watson (16) broke the world record treading water. * As Silvio Berlusconi awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect (Kafkaesque quote). *A 2m shot for Letterman because he slept with several women and a 12m shot for Cleese because he slept with his own wife. Life isn’t fair. *A 24-year-old man claims he is Michael Jacksons biological son. Thats five. Michael was not only moon walking; he landed on Venus too.
B. Bad days for dictators worldwide. Thousands of jobs losses were announced by Swiss banks. * Bad news for Herman Cain. Postal cuts mean that the postman doesn’t ring twice anymore. * Baldness: new hair is so small that it appears virtually invisible to the naked eye. No wonder I only can date girls with big eyeglasses. * Barack Obama adopts Dutch healthcare system. A clever way of Marijuana decriminalization. *Barack Obama calls Kanye West a jackass. What a rapper’s delight to be offended by the most powerful man in the world. * Barack Obama jokes about his falling approval ratings at correspondent’s dinner. His predecessor invaded Iraq. *Barack Obama makes a fool out of Donald Trump. Bill Cosby and Archie Bunker as rivals in Washington. * Barack Obama says he owes his presidency to a palm reader. * Barack Obama vs. Herman Cain. The Tea Party is considering a white vote. *Barack Obama wants Colonel Gaddafi to leave, Sarah Palin wants Barack Obama to leave and Colonel Gaddafi wants Sarah Palin as his nurse. * Because of the crisis, trick-or-treating only in Chinatown this year. * Behind every great democrat theres a wrong republican. *
Belgian police recruits under prison inmates. Well, if you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. The fire department has good experience with arsonists. *Beyoncé, Mariah Carey, Nelly Furtado, Jennifer Lopez. The girls probably thought Colonel Gaddafi was the Prime Minister of Italy. * Big Brother winner accused of selling drugs. Jail feels like coming home for this guy. Cameras everywhere. * Bin Laden: Deep sea fishing has never been so popular. * Bin Laden wanted to change al-Qaidas bloodied name, but Tea Party Movement was already taken. *Birth certificate shows president Obama was born in Hawaii, but the contractions started in Kenya. *Bizar. Buy a truck, get a free AK-47 in Sanford Florida. Now you never have to stop at a pedestrian crossing. *Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches says she had a near death experience. God just wanted a signed photo. *Bono and Obama have met in Oval Office to discuss Africa. Now the U2 Lead singer truly believes Africans originally came from Hawaii. * Brave new world: Tent City. *Brazilian woman dies twice. The first time she went to heaven; the second time to hell. For cheating. *
British women wear mini-skirts until the age of 40 and men look at women in mini-skirts who are younger than 30. *Broccoli may prevent strokes and heart attacks. The children hope that the vegetable will only be available on prescription soon. * Buffett rule doesnt hurt me; Michelin restaurants accept food stamps.
C. California rocks. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a rocket man. * Capitalism for sale in America. * Carmageddon in LA? Wait til God closes the tunnel to heaven. *Chaos in Egypt. Even the mummies want to flee the country, but only Transylvania wants to grant asylum to death people. * Chris Lees sex scandal shocks republicans. Poor guy Chris. I dont think the local Job Service office offers mouth jobs. * Climate plan splits U.S. and Europe. Meanwhile, God just can’t choose between global warming and global cooling. *Coast guard shrinks passenger boat capacities as waistlines expand. Now you can eat for a private yacht. * Colonel Gaddafi says he was born and raised in a tent. Well, camping with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez sounds great fun to me. *Colonel Gaddafi will not be attending the London 2012 Olympics, but the Libyan athletes are going for gold at the Paralympic. * Company launches souvenir condoms to commemorate the marriage of prince William and Kate Middleton. Im my parents wedding gift. * Credit crisis Ireland: the Irish flee country. Credit crisis Greece: the Irish flee country. *
Current crisis shows that Chinese are great Monopoly players. *Cyndi Lauper flubs National Anthem at US Open, but her body language was perfect.
D. Dancing with the stars finalist Bristol Palin says everyone hates her because of her mother. I dont think thats fair to mom. * David Hasselhoff claims he wasn’t drunk last weekend; he had an ear infection. I do believe him. Children and drunks always speak the truth. *David Letterman is so busy making fun about Jay Leno’s misery that the interns want to sue him for sexual neglect. * David Letterman is so obsessed by Jay Leno. His wife begs him to reopen his sex chamber. * Debbie Harry has claimed that she almost fell victim to Ted Bundy. Yet more proof that serial killers practicing with Barbie dolls. * Death is a dream reality. * Déjà vu in dreams. *Dictators and tyrants cant wait for the next Republican President; capitalism is less lethal than democracy. * Disney’s Magic Kingdom visitors in Orlando want their money back. The snow is real. * Dominique Strauss-Kahns rehabilitation is bad news for women, credible or not. * Donald Trump cant lose a Presidential race because he cant win. * Donald Trump not running for President; hes too busy running from creditors.
*Donald Trump, Osama Bin Laden have something in common. They both love towers. * Due the crisis Greek men have to bring their own wives to a bacchanal.
E. Egypt celebrates. Unfortunately, in an explosive area the eviction of a Trojan Horse can be more dangerous than tolerating it. * 11-22-1963. 9-11-2001. 12-21-2012. *Emma Watsons first day of college. She turned up in a helicopter. Flying on a broomstick is not allowed in America since the 9-11 attacks. * Euro crisis hits both Greece and Spain; British holidaymakers trash their own neighborhoods. *Everybodys friend Larry King ends record-setting run on CNN. Piers Morgans choice for 1st interview? Conan OBrien of course! * Every flu tells a story. * Every time I see Sarah Palin in public I have the weird feeling God has forgotten to patent women. * Expensive divorces creates cheap weddings. Ask Paul the Beatle.
F. Favorite time killer on a golf course: Knock on Woods. * Film industry hit by swine flu. It seems that you can snort flu too. * 50th birthday Diego Maradona. I thought God was older. * Flies prove that reincarnation exists. * Florida man finds frog in his Pepsi can. The frog died of thirst. * For Conan OBrien breasts are just bar graphs of Nielsen ratings. * For God we live our lives from death to birth. * Former US Generals say obesity is the latest national security threat. All McDonald’s employees are on the FBI’s terrorist watch list now. * For Steve Jobs Gods just another Bill Gates. *For the richest one percent the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come will be a Democrat this year. * 40 percent of Americans still believe in creationism and 60 percent of Americans still believe in dessert. Thats good news for Sarah Palin. * Fox dominates presidential race: American Idol versus Americas Most Wanted. *French President Sarkozy wants to tax CO2 emissions. I hope the bill stays in France. My girl is a heavy breather.
*French writer Antoine Buéno claims Smurfs are racist, sexist and totalitarian. Come on, Antoine, the Smurfs just love tea parties. * From D-Day to E-Day; it’s all about the Germans again.
G. George Clooney named as witness in Berlusconi sex case. Clooney claimed he was just Berlusconis body double in a home video. *George H.W. Bush calls Mitt Romney best choice for GOP. The former President sees Mitt as the son he never had. *German chancellor Angela Merkel quickly threw away her pink maid suit after the arrest of Dominique Strauss-Kahn. * German newspaper Bild publishes Tiger Wood calendar. Each day it reveals a new mistress. I prefer the Warren Beatty 24 hour calendar. * God is everywhere, but I always lose at hide and go seek. * God is not happy with all that extraterrestrial life. Heaven is full. * God retweeted me; now Ive got two personalities. *Google working on search results without searching: contextual discovery. My girl goes for sextual discovery: sex without sex. * Greece lightning go Greece lightning. * G20 summit: Michelle Obama kisses Brown, Merkel and Medvedev, but not Berlusconi. No wonder, the Italian Mob is too adept at kissing.
H. Happy meal no happy deal in San Francisco. Hey teacher, leave them kids alone. *Hard times for air travellers. I only feel safe sitting next to Paris Hilton; she never wears underwear. * Harold Campings wife sabotaged his abacus; She has an appointment with the hairdresser next Tuesday. * Heather Mills orders a new artificial leg. Ex-husband Paul McCartney hopes he can buy the old one. It was the only body part that felt real. * Herman Cain definitely has the X-rated factor. *Herman Cain suspends campaign. But don’t worry, Cain does not suspend his mistresses. * Hidden unique number in DNA will explain our past and future. * Hide and seek game Barrack Obama and Gordon Brown in New York. The British Prime Minister cries “Ollie ollie oxen free” all day long. * Hillary Clintons foreign policy: I see dead people. *Hollywoods Oscars 2011: Colonel Gaddafi is nominated for actor in a leading role for his performance in the remake of The Great Dictator. * Human is the progenitor of garbage.
I. I, at any rate, am convinced that scientists do throw dice. *IBM computer Watson wins "Jeopardy!". Rumors say Michael Moore will play Watson in a remake of Quiz show. * I can’t read white lines on white paper. * If Michele Bachmann wins the Presidency, she will yell the oath of office. * If the war in Libya last too long NATO soldiers have to play the role of rebels. * I have always been a god-fearing man; nowadays I’m a priest-fearing man. *Ikea catalogue beats the Bible. What a waste. You can make lots of crosses from all that wood. * I’m an Android linked in twitter. * Imagine theres no Beatles. *Imagine. You created the heavens and the earth and then you are forced to write a book for illiterate people to protect your work. * In California they will remember Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as the terminator. *In court Rupert Murdoch swears on the Bible that he’ll tell the truth, but he won’t swear on his newspapers. *
Indian probe finds water on the moon. Fortunately it wasn’t oil. There are just not enough British football clubs for 1 billion oil barons. * In North Africa all roads lead to Rome too. * In reality, Pheidippides collapsed and died from exhaustion after a bank run. * In space, infinity is a contradiction. *In the nearby future full-body scanners and DNA readers will be connected to satellites. George Orwell wasnt a visionary, but an optimist. * Iran launches rat into space. Sounds like a coup to me. * Ireland is running out of priests. Apparently, prison life isn’t as fun as monastic life. * Is consciousness strong enough to create a heaven after death? I wonder. * Is there sex after Berlusconi? * Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he is Superman. Does this mean he is an illegal immigrant? *It has been confirmed: no marriage for Sesame Streets Bert and Ernie, but the sex was great. * I told the woman of my dreams: I cant live without you. She left me. * Its a digi world outside: In my personal ads I changed the word sex in twitter.
*It is getting crazier and crazier. TV hosts kill or bonk for better ratings. Soon someone wins the Nobel price for doing nothing. *It’s so freezing cold in Florida that Tiger Woods is prepared to spend the night with a black girl. * It’s so quiet around Tiger Woods. I think he locked himself inside David Letterman’s secret bedroom. * Its so weird I cant do magic. * It takes trillions of births to fill heaven with a few good men. * I went to heaven and I saw dolphins and Eskimos swimming together.
J.Japan’s first lady says she was abducted by a UFO. The Aliens dumped her when they found out she could only cook blowfish. *Jessica Simpson claims her lesbian dog has been stolen by a coyote. The dog was a gift from her ex-husband; the coyote an idea of her lover. * JFK assassination linked to UFOs? Only if Aliens had a military base in Cuba. *Jim Morrison may win indecent exposure pardon 40 years on. Gee, no more secret gigs in Argentina. *John Cleese finances a 12 million divorce with a new show. He plays a retired comedian whining about his most regretted one-liner: I do. * Justin Bieber meet n greet ends up in smash n smell. Justin definitely is a hit singer.
K.Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift at VMAs and yelled that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. I want a date too. * Kate Moss offended by host James Nesbitt at the GQ Awards. She lost a lipstick too. Nesbitt’s stool will blush red the coming days. *Kate Winslet has the celebrity body most desired by British women, a survey has found. The undertakers go for Amy Winehouse. * Keith Richards is rockn roll and Mick Jagger is ballet. * Kelly Osbourne will be signing her new book at Selfridges. I’m not surprised. Miss Kelly has a lot of experience with writing lines. * Keisha Buchanan, the last original member of the Sugababes, leaves the all-girl-group. The Sugababes will continue as a tribute band. * Korea, Vietnam, Irak, Afghanistan. A re-election needs a bloody war.
L. Lady Gaga egged over wheelchair stunt. Thats what you get when you perform for chickens. * Last night I dreamed that Sergio Aragonés was knocking at my door dressed as an armed policeman. I woke up laughing. * Libyas just another brick in the wall. * Lifes a ride that doesnt deserve a single rider line. * Lifes Gods private Big Brother. *Lily Allen topless for American magazine GQ Honor. Amy Winehouse is considering posing toothless. *Lindsay Lohan at home under house arrest. She kills time with cleaning up the freebies. * Lola broods really daddys little girl. * Lone ranger Armie Hammer ends up as Disneys broke ranger. "Hi-yo, Money! Away!" * Love is in the air and I have bronchitis.
M. Madonna to perform at Super Bowl half-time show. I’m not sure I can pee that long. * Man makes living suing spammers. My ex-wives made living by divorcing me. *Man shoots cannonball into Neighbour’s house. Fortunately, the neighbour played football for years. A touchdown prevented a sudden death. * Marilyn Monroe would never have sung Happy Birthday to a pizza seller. * Martin Luther King had a dream; Barack Obama a nightmare. *Men tell twice as many lies as women, according to new research. Logical. Women lie to their husbands; men lie to their wives and mistresses. * Merkel and Berlusconi met in Poland. Merkel went for peace; Berlusconi for an orgy. * Michele Bachmann blasts Herman Cain on tax plan: 999 upside down is 666, she said. Bachmann upside down is still an empty head. *Michele Bachmann is so conservative; she would never vote for a woman to be President. * Michele Bachmann wishes Elvis Presley a happy birthday on anniversary of his death. That girl knows her Bible. * Michelle Obama is to appear on the Jay Leno Show this Friday. Via satellite. The President visited David letterman in September, you know. *Michelle Obama wants Barrack to stay away from Oprah Winfrey. Apparently, interns are out of fashion. *
Miss Piggy wants to sue Sarah Palin for stealing her identity. * Miss World 2012 wears a pink slip. * Mitt Romney prays for oil in Heaven every day. * Monkey business never goes bankrupt. * My biggest fear is to find out Im just a reproduction. *Mystery needle attacks in Xinjiang. 9 suspects were arrested. The Chinese government says the suspects shall be punished hard: a flu shot.
N. NASA announce a historical press conference about extraterrestrial life. No Wiki leaks, but Alien leaks. * Navy moves to allow women on submarines. We all know what happened when women gained access to the golf course. * Nelly Furtado to give away 1 million Gaddafi fee. Concert tickets will be much more expensive if all artists will donate dictators money. * Never mind the smacker, heres the Yuan. * New Hollywood blockbuster starring Warren Beatty and Tiger Woods: g-spotting. *Newt Gingrich joins republican presidential field. Even republican voters prefer a taxpayer from Kenya to a warlord. * 09/09/09. Nothing happened so far. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to call off the wedding today. * Nowadays, Universals The wizarding world of Harry Potter is the most magical place on Earth.
O. Obama begins re-election campaign through Facebook, Twitter. Republican candidate Ron Paul (75) is considering using the Telex network. * Obama campaign pushes underdog spirit for 2012. A sensible strategy for a Kenyan citizen. *Obama impersonator Reggie Brown ousted from GOP meeting. At the next meeting, the Republicans run silent movies like The Black Ghost Bandit. *Obama pledges to end military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy’. Well, if Obama can turn lead into rubber he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. * Occupy Wall Street: no plan, no leader, no solution. The Bush clan call it Déjà vu. * Occupy Wall Street spoils Aliens Occupy Earth in 2012. *One billion condoms Football Championship 2010. And that’s just for the Catholic players. * One year old Chinese girl is pregnant with her own sister. What a weird way to bypass the one-child policy. * Oprah not upset by Palins run for presidency; she believes in the intelligence of the voters. Poor George W. Bush, the forgotten President. *Oprah Winfrey to reveal huge family secret Monday. A Kenyan father and a half-brother from Hawaii? *Orlando activists arrested for illegally feeding homeless. Fortunately, it isnt forbidden to feed prisoners. *
Osama Bin Laden concerned about global warming. The neighbours complain about the noise of the air conditioning in his cave. *Over the eight years of the Bush administration, they only watched reruns of the Waltons in the Situation room.
P. Patriotism according to Herman Cain: at least an annual income of 1 million and dont envy poor people. * Pay check fairness dies in the U.S. Senate. The voting was in a tent in Afghanistan. * People call it dimension; God calls it 3D. * Personally, I think central heating is responsible for global warming; it’s so cold. * Playboy party hit by Legionnaires disease. Apparently, Hugh Hefner still has an active love life. *Polanski finishing up his latest film in jail. That’s good news. I’m sure LA Police will send Polanski an invitation for the Academy Awards. * Police gun down dozens of exotic animals in Ohio; native-born animals were allowed to move on. *Pope Benedict XVL tackled by a woman. Boy, Virgin Mary’s appearances are getting more and more aggressive. * Pope exonerates Jews for Jesus death. Its about time! Catholics always suffer from tunnel vision. * Poverty shortens life. God is gracious. * Priorities determine the future of a civilization, not science. *Psychic Paul the Octopus is dead. The soccer mob made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
R. Reality tv show Sarah Palin. A remake of the three-part tv miniseries North and South. * Republicans and Obamas health care plan: over my sick body! *Rio beats Obama/Oprah out to win 2016 Olympics. Now we know Sarah Palin’s strategy for the next Presidential election: a bikini campaign. * Rock singer Iggy Pop tops ‘worst face in showbiz’ poll. He also won a Cher-look-alike competition. *Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood arrested for beating his girlfriend. Ridiculous! Naughty children deserve to be punished. * Ron Paul back on top in Iowa with support from young voters, says new poll. Remarkable. The youth have the past too. * Ron Paul (75) joins race for presidency. Dont worry; By tomorrow hes forgotten all about it. * Rudolf Hess. Moussa koussa. The Tower of London is the place to be. * Rumour: Michael Jackson will get a First Emperor funeral at Neverland. Thousands of Statues of plastic surgeons will be buried with him. * Russia to host 2018 World Cup. Football comes home: Siberia. * Ryanair introduces smokeless cigarettes on flights; an appropriate dessert after a tasteless dinner.
S. Salute Ted Sorensen: ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do for God. * Santa Claus does the Wall Street shuffle. * Sarah Palin as President isnt emancipation; Michele Bachmann is. *Sarah Palin has quit her high- profile bus tour halfway through. Due to a technical fault, the GPS thought it was 2012. * Sarah Palin showed up at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Sarah thought she was invited for a Tupperware party. * Sarah Palin went crazy when she heard about John Stewart’s rally to restore sanity. * Scientists discover diamond planet. "Houston, we have a Somali problem." * Scientist: We may have 2 suns by 2012. Armageddon is all about skin cancer. * Senate vote ends "dont ask dont tell". The US army introduces a new policy: "use it, lose it". *Sex change Chers daughter. Mom supports her daughter; she always liked younger men. * Sex. Drugs. An affair. Sarah Palin should run for presidency in Italy or France. *Silvio Berlusconi claims hes too old for too much sex. Unfortunately, Berlusconi isnt too old for too many lies. *
Silvio Berlusconi is so paranoid these days. Now he wants to eliminate his guardian angels; they know too much. * Silvio Berlusconi says hes the best Prime Minister Italy has ever had. That man is so vain; he probably thinks this insult is about him. *Silvia Berlusconi spent $ 380.000 on cars for his showgirls. Big deal. The Pope promised heaven for his show boys. *Silvio Berlusconi struck in the face with a souvenir statue. Italian men are so vain; they dont throw with shoes. * Silvio Berlusconi quits. Angela Merkel made him an offer he couldnt refuse. * Since the Vera Baker affair rumours Obama thinks he’s a Tiger in Bed. * Singer Tom Jones knocked down by severe hydration. Female fans saved his life by throwing wet underwear at him. *Smiling baseball players live longer, scientists claim. Smiling golf players have more sex. * So far, Obamas presidency is a lost weekend, but be fair; its just a weekend. * Soccer is a simple game. Unfortunately, soccer players are simple too. *Standard condoms are too big for most Indian men. It’s time for a new caste system in India: small, smaller and smallest. * Strauss-Kahn, Schwarzenegger, Berlusconi. The sexual revolution in the sixties was much more fun than the granny sex in the 21st Century. *Suppository bombs cast doubt on airport security. Small wonder. A tampon or a fart can be lethal. Poor bomb-sniffing dogs.
*Surveys show the Danes are the happiest people in the world. Apparently, they all work at the Tax and Customs Administration. *Susan Boyle is being tipped to sing out the next James Bond theme tune: 007 ways to lose my virginity. * Suspect ate out of his colostomy bag in court. It tasted like bread and water.
T.Taipei funeral parlour uses heat from cremations to brew coffee. With a large corpse the second cup is for free. * Teacher suspended after students dine at Hooters. The food at McDonald’s is indeed healthier. * Thankfully, the Mayflower didnt bring Greek workers to America. * Thanks to Dominique Strauss-Kahl, all Rikers prisoners know how to convert 30 cm to inches. * Thanks to my Chinese followers Google thinks Im Chinese. * The body scan is a nightmare for Hollywood folk. Now Immigration can see how they looked like before plastic surgery. * The cast of the Bible: where are they now? *The documents in the FBIs electronic reading room The Vault are much more fun than the truth. * The excitement among politicians about the Swine flu isn’t surprising. It’s all in the name. Barbie flu would only scare Paris Hilton. *The first time Hillary Clinton had a cough was when she heard about Monica Lewinsky. * The first tweet is the deepest. * The Greeks are so poor, they use creditors to feed the lions.
* The legend says that the silver coin in Stingy Jacks pocket was in fact the first Euro. *The National Basketball Association prohibits use of Twitter during games. Own fault. The players constantly asked for a Twitter-out. * The Nobel Committee had better give Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo dynamite instead of the Nobel Peace prize. * The Panda Bear is Americas own private Trojan horse. * The President of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan doesn’t think Herman Cain stands a change. * There are two good reasons for Michelle Obama to wear shorts. I support them both. * The repetition principle of dreams is intriguing. Its a mirror of dead. * The repetition principle of dreams means registration. * The Republicans are apparently so happy with Barack Obama, that they want to nominate Sarah Palin for President in 2012. * The Tea Party Movement is the first sign of political grey goo. * The Queens head will stay on stamps, the Government said. They havent decided yet what to do with the rest of the body. *The Universe looks like a Big Mac. Billions of realities stacked, created by Big Bangs and held together by gravity.
* The way we are. The way we feel. The way we love. * The world according to Alec Baldwin: Two and a half men in prison is better than none. * The worst thing that can happen after an invasion by Aliens is discovering all Led Zeppelin songs are plagiarism. * Third bus accident at the Walt Disney World resort Orlando in two weeks. I didn’t know Disney adopted Toyota. * 3d printer will print body parts within the next 20 years, scientists claim. At last, we know how God created men in his own image. *Tiger Woods’ doctor charged with selling unapproved drug. Strange, I thought Viagra was legal. *Tiger Woods going to rehab for sex addiction. He is nursed by 13,000 Susan Boyle look- alikes. * Tom Cruise reveals to Jay Leno: Sex with me is like flying. The women always kiss the ground after landing. * Tomorrow is 09/09/09. That’s so scary. I hope it will blow over quickly. I wouldnt miss 21/12/12 for anything. * Torture? George Bush? Come on! In Texas, every child grows up with waterboarding. * Traveling with Continental Airlines is like crossing the ocean by moving sidewalk. * Twitter war Perez Hilton, Demi Moore, Kirsty Alley. A nice theme for a remake of The Warriors. Hollywood gang hunting for the gossip Queen.
*2011 will be remembered as the year of Colonel Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen, but only Charlie passed the drug test. *2012 Presidency. That’s one small step for Barrack Obama, one giant leap for Newt Gingrich.
U. Unemployment is working with memories. *Uninvited couple attended White House dinner. No big deal. George and Laura Bush did the trick for eight years. * United Nations climate change conference Copenhagen 2009: festival of fools. *UN Leaders fear cyber war. Hard times for the peace movement. You can’t tell a nerd: make love, not war. * US and Russia develop plan to build a missile shield together. The eagle and the bear under one umbrella; the snake is hiding in the grass. *US blood bank starts “Give blood, get beer” promotion. Tiger Woods hopes for a similar offer by a sperm bank. *US Late: Letterman depressed after affairs news broke, O’Brien depressed after a 45m divorce and Leno depressed after screwing a yokemate.
V.Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praises former military dictator of Uganda Idi Amin. The vegetarians are shocked. *Venezuelan President limits singing in the shower to 3 minutes to save water. Sex is no problem for him; that takes only 10 seconds or so. * Viagra causes hearing loss. Women dont have to fake anymore.
W. Wake up game Washington Politicians. 1 cough: wrong bed. 2 coughs: Swine Flu. 3 coughs: you’re mentioned in the CIA Interrogation Report. * Walt Disney’s grandson Patrick faces drug and weapons charges. The Marvel bad guys have arrived at the Magic Kingdom. * War creates a hell; a prayer a heaven. * War in the Mediterranean: The Pope swapped the Bible for Nostradamus’ predictions. * What a fuss about David Letterman’s sex life. Blackmailing a celebrity because of adultery is like punishing Satan for a traffic violation. *When Rick Perry told the doctor about his loss of memory, the doctor told him about the loss of Presidency. * Who was given the soul? Sperm or ovum? I think sperm. Ovum already had the apple. * Wife gives Tiger Woods an 18 holes beating. In her eyes he’s a paper tiger. *Wisconsin Senator Jim Sensenbrenner: Never mind the buttocks, heres Michelle Obama. * With a golden voice I would be speechless in a blink. *Woman bites hairdresser over wrong hairdo. I bit my dentist when he made me look like Dracula. * Women raise Cain. Herman Cain.
Y. You can’t buy talent, but you can sell it. *You cant solve labour shortage with dead bodies.