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Living Safely and
Being Loved
HE SAYS I LOVE YOU, SO WHY DOES IT HURT?
By Eva Anderson
Personal experiences of the Autho...
2
We encourage women and men alike to pick this book up
and benefit from it.
ABUSE AND OTHER
DISEASES OF TODAY’S WORLD.
Th...
3
Degenerative diseases such as Cancer, Aids, Lupus, Heart disease,
Handicaps, Obesity and Diabetes.
MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL
...
4
BEWARE OF HIS INFLUENCE.
Our right to be human is slowly taken away. Only courageous women
can admit that they are weak ...
5
want to believe what men tell us. The positive stokes such as, "You
are the woman for me,” "You are the one, I want to m...
6
A RAY OF HOPE.
A faint glimmer of the pain I endured remains to be seen only enough to learn from it.
As I recline by th...
7
IF I COULD GIVE YOU ANYTHING,
I WOULD GIVE YOU BACK YOURSELF!
Dear Eva,
You are so precious to me. You are deep in my he...
8
Learning and fun is on your pathway, you can be yourself, embrace yourself, welcome
yourself, see yourself, accept yours...
9
self esteem. I can stand tall, getting beyond the defensive boundaries. Yes we must
establish healthy boundaries not jus...
10
book give you reason and ability to regain your strength to never live in fear again.
Now when you dance, close your ey...
11
is the answer to feeling alone, feeling unloved, having a low self-worth, being abused,
feeling angry and unable to car...
12
long ago and far away
are all my loves
gone, buried , jet living
in my soul?
my feelings await a new love
alas, I'm rea...
13
people, the story’s remain TRUE TO LIFE.
OUR HEALTHY NEEDS.
To be healthy, we all need love in society and a healthy fl...
14
can help ourselves. By helping ourselves we are creating self-responsibility. We can
blame our parents for the way we w...
15
These adults in turn can make correct choices. They can recognize the wrong
patterns that lead to abuse. If the man in ...
16
hard time seeing it as abuse because most were abused as children. These adults
confuse power, love and caring with sex...
17
( his name along with the rest has been changed to protect the privacy
of all people in this true story ). This is the ...
18
and letters would say the things his calls did not. The rest of the family
gave me the cold shoulder. When I met Jim he...
19
because he never laid a hand on me. He was only concerned with
my happiness. Anything I wanted he wanted to give me. I ...
20
along. My mother had the hardest time trying to conceive and for all
of my life I never had any brothers and sisters. T...
21
years is no longer a memory. Since the age of 4 I have never seen
my father because my mother is afraid he would take m...
22
until recently. Abandonment and emotional abuse was part of my
upbringing. Blame is not the solution but I know the sou...
23
always worried me what we were going to eat the next day. She would
live off my support money the first two weeks of ea...
24
We all seek the secret of having inner peace. We try in many different
ways to create inner peace ; accumulating things...
25
When storms rage inside ask who is in charge , God or me? God will
calm your waters. Change takes time. There is no qui...
26
important then my needs. My mom always looked for her happiness
and answers to her problems in me or her boyfriends. I ...
27
handle possible abusive situations. I believe men behave badly because
of a combination of factors;
1) BRAIN CHEMISTRY ...
28
Can we predict a possible abuser before we marry him?
There are no guarantees but here are some guidelines and examples...
29
committed. He disliked himself always, wanted to change and please others.
A very low self-esteem was behind his desire...
30
The healing process needs a belief system based on the harmonies
workings of the inner child, parent and adult self. We...
31
worth and self-love can be built up and nurtured by you , and others
professionally aware of him and the situation. In ...
32
ABUSER : "I never agreed to that, I do not know where you got that
idea." (It is abuse if it is a lie!)
METHOD : Denial...
33
intimacy and understanding between us. "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------...
34
tired, please do not!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ABUSER : "You...
35
3) DISCOUNT
4) UNDERMINE
5) RESIST
6) POINT THE FINGER
7) JUDGE
8) MINIMIZE
9) THREATEN
10) NO RESPECT
11) FEAR through...
36
that you are not alone. Reach out, read and listen to those who
went through it. Know the laws in your town. Always sav...
37
otherwise in our already low self-esteem state we would have to
admit to failure.
COMMON TRAITS OF THE ABUSER.
MEMORY -...
38
FALSE FRONTS - Not true to themselves or anyone. They have the
ability to fool authorities, therapists, victims, friend...
39
You can give yourself emotional support by turning inward. First
change your belief system by subconscious affirmations...
40
I am worth more then abuse.
I will develop a healthy self-esteem and self-worth.
I have an internal and external suppor...
41
to feel powerful again is to let your anger out in private and
constructively. Some ways I have used is; I rolled up my...
42
sleep well and most important, exercise to let out the stress of abuse.
Exercise decreases the negative effects of stre...
43
always have my own bank savings deposit box with cash, cellular
phone and phone number. Even if I could take only the c...
44
honest emotion. But the reasons why that person is angry is still a
mystery. Love has been betrayed by the mere express...
45
isolated situation of just him and me. He would want to spend every
free moment with me, keeping me from other people e...
46
toll on your mental, spiritual and physical health. It takes all your
strength plus the help of other professionals to ...
47
CHAPTER 7
JIM'S CRIMES OF THE HEART
LETTERS OF DECEPTION
WRITTEN BY THE ABUSER
I received many letters for three years ...
48
concluding our discussion of it on Monday.
If what we've talked about is so , that your safety is in danger
and maybe y...
49
comfortable about me trying to help you and give my support or gain
my trust in helping out. You know how I can be reac...
50
of his need to control.
SOME OF THE CRIMES I HAVE ENDURED FROM HIM ARE THE
FOLLOWING;
SLANDER - Making up things accord...
51
PROPERTY DAMAGE - $1500 worth of automobile damage to my
new car. Did not want to pay and said to go to criminal court....
52
3) Admitted to me that he has Attention Deficient Disorder but
he was on two different medications.
4) Admitted he was ...
53
10) 1994-1995 For 8 months pretended to be interested in my
past religion by study and meetings but proved false.
11) D...
54
Jim. During this time he said he had a cop friend remove important
confession papers from my police files, I did not kn...
55
called it off, was the local Detective's were hot on his trail and that
the Hit man double crossed him.
19) January 199...
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decided to suffer financially and keep my sanity. I am well below
property level and do not qualify for state or town h...
57
MARCH 5 1994
Being alone I can recollect my thoughts, make sense of things and
gain back my sanity. Feeling whole and a...
58
We will go to our first CODA meeting tomorrow night. At the Bible
meeting in the morning he said for the first time he ...
59
August 29 1994
When I feel empty, restless and lonely. I have disconnected with my
inner child. I do not feel connected...
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look good. He does not respect others boundaries and tries to make his
mistakes right with money or manipulation. I am ...
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his terrible self look better. The only difference with me is that I feel
that God supports me. Between almost losing m...
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I am prevented from falling back to sleep. If I do not wake then
nightmares take over and wake me. A lot of the writing...
63
healthy enough to heal all the past pain. It only takes a short time to
see through his manipulative powers. He says th...
64
with no communication he is trapped inside his narrow perception of
reality. When he told me the other day that his son...
65
child to be influenced and raised by this man, NO! No matter what
they say is right he has to have supervised visits wi...
66
then I looked up as we flew over one the seat belt was tight on me
, but I jump out of my seat banged back down like a ...
67
He admitted that to me later. I cannot marry Jim because he is
unstable, unpredictable, dishonest and abusive. Always c...
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SPIRITUAL ABUSE
Let me take you back to the religion I loved and was close to for over
15 years. We call each other bro...
69
religion. It took a little less then one year for me to go to the
meetings, not be talked to or associated with and pro...
70
in his life somehow. He said he did not do this to hurt me. He said
if I either break up with him or tell the truth abo...
71
Jim if we could be life long friends if we do not get married. He did
not want to discuss it. He wants a wife and mothe...
72
911, he said no. The next day he wanted to be friends. He comes
over my house and walks right in without knocking. Toda...
73
get very mad. First he gets off the wrong exit, then he goes to the
wrong breakfast place, stands my mother up. Got to ...
74
controls. I am hanging on. My self-esteem does not look good. Why
wait for the truth to change him. Why wait for him to...
75
Sept 17 1994
....Jim Is a threat to me emotionally, spiritually, mentally and maybe
worse. He has found a unnatural att...
76
wrote, faxed and mailed letters. Came to the back door twice with
notes and letters. So I called him to leave me alone....
77
truth to you Elders, so you can be reassured it will not change or get into
the wrong hands. I want this matter handled...
78
damage is long standing to my soul. You can drop your son off at
the book study.......
In the spring of 1994 after we b...
79
LIVING IN INTENSE FEAR
CHAPTER 9
IN A COURT OF LAW....
Lets just imagine that all that happen to me went to court one d...
80
Mr. Abuser is in his early 30's, he is divorced and has full custody of
one son six years of age. He has been dating me...
81
In three years I heard I love you a thousand times, and I want you
back, I want to marry you hundreds of times. When a ...
82
school buddies and his cousin was used as hit men against me.
Some of his relatives have people that were married to me...
83
thought that was enough after doing it a hundred times. Blaming
releases some of the guilt that would eat him up inside...
84
be the hero. He lives a self-fulfilling prophecy. How do you prove evil
in a court of law where criminals and they righ...
85
Resource and workbook
How can you tell if a man may be dangerous. They are no clear cut
signs . But general guidelines ...
86
children.
Examples of control ;
1) I want you back home by ----!
2) Where have you been, and where is my supper?
3) I w...
87
not adjusted in a good way.
4) In the beginning he spoils you with gifts and attention.
Proving to you and himself his ...
88
If he is smart in a bad way, with a bad heart, wrong motives,
then he will plan, scheme, plot a way to get what he
want...
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Living safely 2016 final copy

  1. 1. 1 Living Safely and Being Loved HE SAYS I LOVE YOU, SO WHY DOES IT HURT? By Eva Anderson Personal experiences of the Author who overcame financial Physiological, emotional, verbal and spiritual abuse at the hands of the man who said he loved her. DEDICATED I dedicate this book to my precious child that I recently learned had not died and is alive today and the truth will set him free. I also dedicate this to the women who are without the courage, knowledge and strength to separate from the men who abuse them. This book is for everyone who wants to understand a woman’s plight of abuse. This book was especially written to those women who suffer without the external scars concerning a wide variety of abuse. All names in our stories have been changed to protect the privacy of all parties.
  2. 2. 2 We encourage women and men alike to pick this book up and benefit from it. ABUSE AND OTHER DISEASES OF TODAY’S WORLD. There is a rapid deterioration of the biological, physiological, spiritual and earthly quality of humanity. Abuse is only one small symptom of our sick society. According to: Domestic Violence Statistics Stats from 2015 on: NY Times reports March 5, 2015 The United Nations’ main health agency, the World Health Organization, found that 38 percent of women who are murdered are killed by their partners. Where there are laws on the books — 125 countries criminalize domestic violence today, up from 89 in 2006, according to Equality Now, which tracks laws that affect women’s rights — they are not reliably enforced. The economic impact is huge. One recent study found that domestic violence against women and children costs the global economy $8 trillion. Eva Anderson’s comments: The reason for abuse can be many; cultural upbringing shapes a man’s view of women and how he treats her. Addictions and emotional illness can cause abusive behavior. I see the male energy and behavior changing to a more violent and reactive behavior with not much forethought or reasoning. Many just can’t help themselves but want help. I still see too much silence from women and outdated resources need to change or update due to the changes in society and the home. I hope this book will help in many ways to either prevent a woman from entering a relationship with all the signs or to get safely out of one. BIOLOGICAL
  3. 3. 3 Degenerative diseases such as Cancer, Aids, Lupus, Heart disease, Handicaps, Obesity and Diabetes. MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL Mental illness; anger, anxiety, worry, fear, irritability, depression etc. SOCIAL Divorce, rape, incest, greed, murder, hatred, isolation, addictions, abuse etc. SPIRITUAL Greed, hyprogracy, fears, shame, quilt, falsehood, lies, lack of faith, and a lack of strong beliefs etc. EARTHLY Pollution, the destruction of the ozone layer, food shortages, extinction of species etc. INTRODUCTION In my whole life I never thought I would write a book. It took something terrible, a need to work it out of my system and a desire to help others that got me taking up the pen. I took up poetry writing in 1991 and journal writing in 1993 and saw just how therapeutic writing can really be.
  4. 4. 4 BEWARE OF HIS INFLUENCE. Our right to be human is slowly taken away. Only courageous women can admit that they are weak because of the abuse and self-esteem destruction. We lose ourselves if we become like our mates and do not do our part to get out. We are OK because we have done our own work even if our abusive mate has not. They is a chance he may follow us in working things out. They is a good chance we will not be able to influence him at all, chances are he will only get worse. Any challenge that the abuser thinks may threaten his manhood is usual dealt within a violent abusive way. Drinking or other addictions are common between abusers. If you the victim choose not to leave, please build the following; 1) Do build a strategy. Save money and learn to depend on yourself. 2) Develop a support system of friends, family or professionals. 3) Build courage. Develop your self-esteem. Later chapters in this book will help you know how. DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR. It takes a lot of courage for anyone who suffered abuse to write about it. I have reserved a few chapters to cover solutions that work. Each one of us has a variety of problems to overcome. Most women
  5. 5. 5 want to believe what men tell us. The positive stokes such as, "You are the woman for me,” "You are the one, I want to marry,” and "Where have you been my whole life?". We want to be needed, wanted and desired. For many years our purpose and self-esteem were tied with the man in our lives. Placing blame is not the solution. Let us not place blame on the women just because they want to trust mans intentions & feelings. I know now that we are all responsible for our own self-esteem. I learned the hard way that love is an action and not just a word. Just because someone says something that make us feel good it does not make it so! What is the motive behind the talk? YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We, the abused, need to be heard, understood and supported by others. Know that you are not alone, many women can relate to you. Hopefully through these stories you can see how you can get stuck in an abusive situation. We live in a social diseased society, abuse is only one small symptom among many. Prevention of abuse is worth the cure. If this book can touch a life or even save just one life it was worth the pain. The main reason to write this book is to heal myself first and then impart knowledge and hope for others in similar situations. CHAPTER 1
  6. 6. 6 A RAY OF HOPE. A faint glimmer of the pain I endured remains to be seen only enough to learn from it. As I recline by the pool side and watch my child swim I count my blessings. I reflect that we can escape abuse alive. That we can get on with our lives and that all the courage it took was worth while. They is hope and a future for a woman living with abuse. We can stop the cycle. We can finally heal, relax and end the fear. It is at times a long painful and lonely journey. Due to books like this, we can have the courage to speak up and protect ourselves and loved ones and ask for help. Like Job in the Bible, we can receive blessings in the end. If you are not familiar with the Bible account, it tells of a rich man, very much loved then losing everything. Losing wealth, his family, his friends, his health and thinking God abandoned him. In the end thru all his faithfulness and endurance he receives from God ten fold in return. Job had no ray of hope, only despair to the point of his friends and wife saying to curse God and die. Like a modern day Job you too can have it all back plus more; a high self-esteem and self love, your freedom from abuse, a wealth of love and riches too numerous to mention. Gratitude will keep these blessings alive and growing. During the midst of abuse and during one of my regular therapy sessions I received an assignment to write a love letter to myself. Yes, you heard right! It has become a hope for the future and now a self-fulfilling prophecy. To inspire others with a ray of hope I now share with my readers this most personal letter.
  7. 7. 7 IF I COULD GIVE YOU ANYTHING, I WOULD GIVE YOU BACK YOURSELF! Dear Eva, You are so precious to me. You are deep in my heart. Safe from the outside. I will cradle you in my embrace and comfort your fears. I will give you everything you need and watch you grow. I will make sure you grow, learn, succeed in being the best human being you can and if you meet any people along the way that may hinder you. I will take your hand and guide you away. Everything I want to give you no one can take from you, education, knowledge, feelings and thoughts. I will give you a safe love to believe in, hope in, that will not come and go. I want you to attach yourself to your inner child and not people especially men who in the past came and went and took with them the feelings you have given away so freely. I know you can do well in school. As you grow and settle down now and in the future till old age and death overtakes you. I will surround you with love, light, warmth, flowers, plants you can grow , animals as close companions and children you can help and love plus music to caress your soul, though your writings and your music you will discover how talented and beautiful you really are. You will touch peoples hearts with your talent. The rest of your life will be devoted to that and if by special circumstances and blessings you meet another special and beautiful soul as a mate, I will see to it that your life be complete.
  8. 8. 8 Learning and fun is on your pathway, you can be yourself, embrace yourself, welcome yourself, see yourself, accept yourself and say to yourself welcome to this new life. Sincerely yours forever, Ambrosia A lot of the above mentioned things can not be bought with money. I have learned it is OK to have it all and do what you love while helping others. The ultimate is to turn a negative into a positive. DANCE OF LIFE In the dance of life where joy, growth and happiness exists, we stop dancing just long enough to reflect from the past, learn our lesson and not repeat the same mistake. Today I can truly say and reflect on my experiences if only to learn and help others. The sun rises everyday in my life now! As I sit behind my large desk or travel cross country and write, my words flow like the rivers that I pass by in my travels. I know in my heart they is hope for everyone. Hope to heal, hope to grow and to reach new heights. The simple pleasures spark joy within me the same way the smile on my child’s face sparks mine. The painful past is only a faint glimmer that glows in the background to remind me of the blessings I hold so dear now. I feel born again, everything from music to love has renewed meaning. The unfamiliar sights and sounds in the past that instilled fear are now gone. Though the pain comes the healing, freedom from the abuse, freedom from the fear. Freedom is the key to true happiness and healing now! I can pick a healthier relationship based on a healthier
  9. 9. 9 self esteem. I can stand tall, getting beyond the defensive boundaries. Yes we must establish healthy boundaries not just based on the old fear but on a new love for yourself. I no longer fear the future, the outcome, the circumstances that are beyond my control. I have learned to trust life again. In fear love can not exist. Let me by my
  10. 10. 10 book give you reason and ability to regain your strength to never live in fear again. Now when you dance, close your eyes in complete trust, the future is in your hands. Hope is a ray of sunshine, a light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow shining bright at the end of the storm. This book is for you to shed positive hope in the matter of domestic abuse from someone who like yourself has lived though it. EMPOWER YOURSELF, SEE YOURSELF FREE, FEEL YOURSELF STRONG, BE SELF RELIANT AND INDEPENDENT, FEAR NO LONGER AND ASSERT YOUR WOMANHOOD. I DID AND I KNOW YOU CAN TOO. BEWARE OF UNHEALTHY LOVE ADDICTION. Relationships are ideally based on love, trust, understanding and communication. Healthy love is not just a word but it’s an action. It’s an healthy action and seeks the well being of both ourselves and others. You do not just hear the words, "I love you” but it is a positive and active force in your life. It is a love that is emotional and safe with room to grow for you and your partner. Generations of families have created many offspring looking for love, that resembles the love they grew up with. No matter how addicted, pocessive or dysfunctional our past was, we still look for the same love. I have seen the proper kind of love heal the worst of wounds. I know the proper kind of love can heal the negative wounds of society. Love
  11. 11. 11 is the answer to feeling alone, feeling unloved, having a low self-worth, being abused, feeling angry and unable to care. We need to heal our wounds and our lack of love through self-help programs, therapy and healthy friendships. One way I have healed myself, is by writing in my journal and creating poetry. For every beginning and closure in a relationship, I write a poem. It clears my head, it makes sense, it finalizes, it helps me to see my feelings in front of me. The following is a sample of one of my creations; LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY In a distance place the sky opened and the earth shook my heart was trembling my hands shaking rain was falling from my eye in a distant place exist my lover left behind were only the feelings trapped within my soul my senses seek relief from this yearning
  12. 12. 12 long ago and far away are all my loves gone, buried , jet living in my soul? my feelings await a new love alas, I'm reaching out to me set me free, watch me grow I seek a new love from long ago and far away who will yearn to be there and treasure my heart and soul that person is me. March To the reader of this book I wish her to learn to love herself first and protect as well as treasure her heart. Set yourself free from abuse. WHAT THIS BOOK IS ALL ABOUT . . . This book is not just about poetry but the few I share have special meaning to me and have touched those I've read them to. Along with poetry is the personal experience of the Author who like many have endured unhealthy relationships. Even thou the names were changed to protect the
  13. 13. 13 people, the story’s remain TRUE TO LIFE. OUR HEALTHY NEEDS. To be healthy, we all need love in society and a healthy flow of give and take. Too much isolation creates unhealthy thoughts and feelings. We need a sense of community and society in our lives. We need to care, to give and receive help in times of need. Family values and society as a whole have changed and we turn elsewhere to cope. One example; the family pet provides some of our needs. Our need to feel needed, a reason to wake, a reason to come home, an object of fun and enjoyment. A pet to most people provides a sense of comfort and companionship. One way that we numb our need for healthy love is though addiction. Society encourages pleasure and work addition. The work and play hard practice. Why all of a sudden do we have an overwhelming array of additions to everything such as exercise, food, risks, pleasures, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, love, work etc. We need to love ourselves from the inside first, otherwise we make wrong choices and choose addictions that may harm us and others. We turn to relationships no matter how unhealthy and painful just to hear the words, "I love you!” When we think with our narrow perception we start thinking that everything happening to us is normal or that we have no other healthy choices. This book will hopefully help many in unhealthy relationships to make the right choice that is best for them. Through the personal experiences of just one person, we can increase our insight, we can relate, we
  14. 14. 14 can help ourselves. By helping ourselves we are creating self-responsibility. We can blame our parents for the way we were raised, we can blame society for our many ills, we can even blame ourselves and create for ourselves a low self-worth but why have such a self-defeating attitude. Blame tears down. Blame is partially denial. Blame is guilt. They is no growth in blame. We stay stuck with quilt and blame. We find excuses to stay stuck. Remember that freedom and growth is the key to happiness. May you learn, grow and discover new freedom of good choices. May you use wisdom and grow without the pain I endured. Making the right choices now and in the future with a ray of hope. CHAPTER 2 MANY FACES OF ABUSE. Abuse has many sugar coated faces. If abuse was more easily recognized more people would avoid it. For those who were raised in an abusive family , abuse feels familiar and comfortable because we relate to it as the only love we knew as a child. Abuse can take years before the controlling abuser leaves his mark. It can start out as care taking, pocessiveness or maybe control. Mind you, not every controlling person or jealous person turns abuser. But most abusers are controlling and jealous. If it was that easy abuse could be more avoidable. The abuser for the most part, missed out on the right kind of love when being raised as a child. Healthy love, caring and nurturing parents produce adults with healthy self-esteem.
  15. 15. 15 These adults in turn can make correct choices. They can recognize the wrong patterns that lead to abuse. If the man in your life confides you around his life and needs and controls your time, effort, money, even every action take heed. Things usually only get worst leading to physical, sexual, financial or emotional abuse. One of the first steps to take is to define and recognize the verses forms of abuse. Defining Abuse FIRST - Physical Abuse Physically injuring a person by striking, hitting, slapping or shaking. The abuser usually is out of control, something snaps, perhaps he was over drinking. SECOND - Verbal and emotional abuse Verbal abuse means verbal slapping by name calling, using terms like ugly, bad, dumb or swear words. Emotional abuse can involve withholding love or security. These wounds leave invisible scars years later, hard to see and seldom treated. . THIRD - Sexual abuse Exploiting a person for the abusers gratification. Many abusers like this have a
  16. 16. 16 hard time seeing it as abuse because most were abused as children. These adults confuse power, love and caring with sexual abuse. FOURTH - Financial abuse Abusers attract and hold on to they victims with the offer of money but control they victims to stay by holding money over they heads. Hoping they victims become dependent on them and won't leave. Many people use control to protect they interest and its outcome. Most abusers were victims in turn seeking to make others they victims, continuing the cycle of victimization. As the Author of this book I have grown, I can have a healthy love with an emotionally healthy individual so can you. We are responsible for ourselves and need to find a way to educate ourselves about life and love. We have requirements for certifications, education, degrees, licenses etc. for every subject except the most important event and journey of our life, relationships. IN THE BEGINNING OF MY RELATIONSHIP. In the beginning God made man and he saw that it was good. In the beginning of any relationship we can always see the good and dream of the future. I can say that I did the night that I met Jim
  17. 17. 17 ( his name along with the rest has been changed to protect the privacy of all people in this true story ). This is the beginning of a two and a half year journey. The very first night I met Jim he said I was the girl he wanted to marry. Little did I realize then, what a hold and influence he had over my belief system. Perhaps It was his puppy dog eyes or maybe like every woman I wanted to hear those words. I no longer wanted to be single and searching, but that night I felt wanted, embraced and appreciated. Little did I realize that this was the beginning of a very pocessive & unhealthy relationship. Phones calls happened every day and visits to my place 3-5 times a week. Since he lived with his mother I saw nothing wrong with his many visits to my place. He had a business that gave him a lot of free time. Right away he mentioned that he had ADD , Attention Deficient Disorder and depression. Why I ask myself did I not consider the above information , then proceeded with caution. But I knew nothing about ADD , and that every person was affected to different degrees. I saw through everything he said to me, what he was and did, and saw an innocent child of wonder and learning. I learned over the next two years that all of us have an adult, parent and inner child within us. In time I learned that Jim was like a three year old in a grown body. For the next several years I received flowers every week. Cards
  18. 18. 18 and letters would say the things his calls did not. The rest of the family gave me the cold shoulder. When I met Jim he was in therapy for about two years. I saw an unhealthy attachment to any woman especially to his female therapist in a emotional way. Other warning signs were Jim's unhealthy attachments to any female that got to know him , he could confide in and develop a trusting relationship. One girl was his former helper in his business who said that he stalked her. By this time I was in love and saw past all this stuff. Perhaps I was blind with feelings, perhaps I saw only the good. The man that tried to always improve and better himself. The man that has no end to giving. A man that needed me , wanted me, learned from me with an open mind toward me. He became so much a part of me that separation and breaking up with me disturbed him deeply. Suicide threats were they if I never saw him again. We must of broke up over a dozen times, with pleading and threats controlling my better sense. If I rejected his generous dates and gifts he got insecure and felt I did not love him. He was so dependent on my brain to think, on my heart to feel that I lost myself and who I was, what I was , and what's important to me. I knew more about Jim and what to do to make him happy. His many moods and anger were very stressful for me to put up with. But I never considered myself abused perhaps it was
  19. 19. 19 because he never laid a hand on me. He was only concerned with my happiness. Anything I wanted he wanted to give me. I heard the words, I Love You, thousands of time. Everything I missed out as a child he wanted to provide. Everything I wanted in life he wanted to be or be a part of. How could this man be bad. I did not see how much I lost myself or how confiding our relationship was becoming . He was married once before and a divorced father of a six year old son. I told myself how could a father with full custody be bad. A child that looked so much like me he could of past as my son . Worst jet he called me mom for several years. I learned he never bonded with his mother as a infant and he never had the chance. Jim's ex-wife had a drug problem at the time so he received full custody. He also took care of his child as an infant to this current time. I did not see his pocessiveness carried through with his son or me, but it was there. He wanted that family he never had. Nothing would stop him including my desire to stop the relationship. Now that I have laid the foundation behind the relationship let me take you back in time, to the beginning of my life. TO LOVE AND BE LOVED My mom and dad prayed four years to have a child, finally I came
  20. 20. 20 along. My mother had the hardest time trying to conceive and for all of my life I never had any brothers and sisters. This was the beginning of my life, a life full of love and attention. My mother's love was very protective and pocessive, but at least I was wanted. My father was a teacher and professor, always bringing home college staff doctors for family dinner parties. We lived in the upper class section of Coral Cables, Florida. I was always in my mom’s arms. Mom always boosted about her daughter, she took the credit that I got her looks and my Dad's brains. She made friends for me because I was extremely shy. Then one day when I , 3 years old, my life was turned upside down and inside out when she took off with another man and left me with my dad. For eight months he had a chance to raise me and spoiled me with love and attention. One day I hear a knock on the door , my mom's back to take me away from my dad. My father agreed to a divorce but full custody went to my father. My mom said they were best friends after the divorce. Now I know why, despite having full custody he gave me to my mom to take me away from Florida to the West coast of California. My step-father was a cruel example of a father. He had a lot of anger and hatred toward me. My mom tried to protect me but could not always do so. Much of my childhood before the age of 10
  21. 21. 21 years is no longer a memory. Since the age of 4 I have never seen my father because my mother is afraid he would take me away from her. When I turned 12 years of age my dad offered for me to live with him and get a good education. My mom pressured me to say no. She used guilt to influence my decision not to live with him. No wonder I am attracted to possessive and controlling relationships. No wonder I am looking for everything in one man, a best friend, lover father and brother , a tall order no one could fill. My mom remarried two more times, and still with no brothers and sisters for me to grow up with. I never lived longer then 1 year in any one place always leaving my friends behind. I learned the painful lesson of lose early in life. Since that time I have lost dozens of friends and no longer communicate with any family members on both sides of the family. That is not the way I would like things to be. My mother rarely shared me with anyone . I was everything to her and fulfilled a lot of her emptiness. I was her emotional support . I remember her saying that she did a good job raising me, that I was such a good kid. Recently I have been doing a lot of self help reading and realize a child can be emotionally raped by her parents. I did not know emotional boundaries due to poor parental examples. Due to my past experiences I really did not know myself
  22. 22. 22 until recently. Abandonment and emotional abuse was part of my upbringing. Blame is not the solution but I know the source and answers to my past. Now I am fully responsible for the outcome of my own life. Years of therapy, hundreds of books, and support groups has helped to heal most of the buried emotional wounds. We become set in repeating the same patterns of dysfunctional relationship selection of mates. Jim reminds me of my mother and her relationship with me. I just went full circle and realize my sub -conscious mind needs reprogramming. The demanding, controlling, overly protective and pocessive ways of my mother showed through in my recent relationship. We can reframe life experiences and see the light. We need total self-honesty to finish personal business and a willingness to change. In our childhood conditioned self we have needs, wants, expectations and empty old wounds that surface our neediness. Later in life, we use relationships to deny, pretend , prove, or win with issues or people. I grew up believing that love had no healthy boundaries. My needs came last or not at all. All adult problems were laid on me emotionally. Responsiablity was given me before I was a teenager. Decisions like where should we move, knowing we only had ten dollars for a train ride from Germany. To live at the end of each month on army rations from friends,
  23. 23. 23 always worried me what we were going to eat the next day. She would live off my support money the first two weeks of each month and worry the last two weeks. In Germany when I was 13 years old we lived in a apartment with no shower or tub, we washed in the kitchen sink. We also only had heat in the living room with a wood burning stove. That is the room my mother slept in , sometimes we slept together on a pull out couch. Most often in the winter I was in the bedroom with the door shut and no heat. It must of been 30-40 degrees. I slept with my coat, boots , hat and gloves on. My mother needed privacy in the other room with her boyfriend. I could keep going on and on , but I am grateful for a number of things. First she gave birth to me and prayed 4 years to have me. I am here because of her effects. I have beautiful skin because of her. I am affectionate and emotional like her. I am thankful I have my fathers brain and logic. I can adjust to change because of my many travels. My mother always spoke very highly of my dad and I always put him on a pedestal. My loyalty and obedience always went to my mother. CHAPTER 3 REFLECTIONS ON INNER PEACE
  24. 24. 24 We all seek the secret of having inner peace. We try in many different ways to create inner peace ; accumulating things, seeking forms of pleasure, staying busy, setting goals etc. Getting and not giving does not contribute toward inner peace. Being thankful is an excellent way to achieve it. If we are grounded inwardly, have purpose, pacing confidence and direction then we are centered in the storm of emotional abuse. In nature their is balance, harmony and order in the universal. We are all linked to this universal order. We are abundant positive energy with love. Our lives can then make a difference. Love brings back the balance in our lives. LOVE , INNOCENCE AND BIRTH. Each one of us is a rare and unique being. Each new creation a true miracle. Each birth is a display of lost innocence. A pure untouched soul arrives, how traumatic that arrival becomes. Birth a special event that happens every single day. Each person is a unique gift of love and life. If I see the negative then I see what separates us. Look with eyes of love and you have unity. Love and acceptance go hand in hand. If we neglect the spirit, we will be out of balance and not at peace. When we are at one with ourselves, with acceptance, gratitude and love, then we will be filled with inner peace. How do you achieve inner peace when you are all alone. Change aloneness to all-one -ness.
  25. 25. 25 When storms rage inside ask who is in charge , God or me? God will calm your waters. Change takes time. There is no quick fix to life. Growth and healing is for a life time. No one , even God, can change the past & future. Look only to the past as an example to avoid future mistakes. With knowledge comes hope. Life reflects God and his likeness in all his creation. Fly free with purpose, sore up high, look down upon your life as a whole and change what you can. Welcome change and do not fear the uncertain. The final arrival of enlightenment is like a candle flame, flicking in size and brightness upon our world . MY JOURNAL OF ABUSE . I want to feel happy and balanced with peace of mind. I want room within to feel contentment and peacefulness. My long-term anger and resentment leaves no room to breath in deep. I feel my mom was never a good example of a mother. She pride herself in being my best and only friend. Not teaching me proper healthy boundaries. My social and friendship skills were never developed. I was my mom's emotional crutch and was dragged from bar to bar with her. She told me daily how good a mother she was, how much she loved me. The night life and men were more
  26. 26. 26 important then my needs. My mom always looked for her happiness and answers to her problems in me or her boyfriends. I was encouraged to cry to let emotions out, welcoming suffering. Anger I never knew, my other feelings were denied, pushed down inside me. I remember being sad, uncertain, worried, depressed, lonely etc. I am anger now as an adult knowing what her upbringing has done to mold my life. I remember not being believed. I need faith, hope, trust and a healthy type of love. I want to give it to myself and do not know where to reach for it. I want to get to forgiveness and release all my old anger and make peace! Years later I have healed and I am capable of being the best mother to my child. CHAPTER 4 MEN BEHAVING BADLY..... The stresses in the world has caused all of us to act a little crazy. Abuse and murder is the ultimate outcome of stress on the job and at home. How we react to stress at home, will influence how we
  27. 27. 27 handle possible abusive situations. I believe men behave badly because of a combination of factors; 1) BRAIN CHEMISTRY - hormones, neurons, etc. 2) CHILDHOOD UPBRINGING - abuse, lack of love, quilt, neglect etc. 3) EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL STRESS OVERLOAD - leading to violence. 4) CHEMICAL ABUSE - alcohol, drugs, food etc. 5) HEALTH PROBLEMS - Mental, emotional and physical. As their spouse no matter what we do to make things right it does no good unless the abuser feels a need to change . The abuser needs to change his brain chemistry, upbringing and belief systems, lifestyle changes, and seek professional therapy etc. Education is the first step then a heart felt desire to change. The abuser needs to learn how to self-love himself first before he is any good for his family. Most times the only answer as the abused is to get out , and to seek to help yourself. ( In the last chapter you will find organizations for men only, who have a problem with abuse, control and anger.)
  28. 28. 28 Can we predict a possible abuser before we marry him? There are no guarantees but here are some guidelines and examples. Jim's behavior perplexed me greatly so I made a list of his personality pro's and con's. Here is a sample list; BAD GOOD Implosive Giving Controlling Dependable Forgetful Faithful Compulsive Good cook Quick tempered Always wants to improve Careless Wants marriage and kids Self-absorbed Tried hard to please Absent minded Over spender Inconsistent HOW JIM FOOLED ME. This list was made early in the relationship before any crimes were
  29. 29. 29 committed. He disliked himself always, wanted to change and please others. A very low self-esteem was behind his desire to improve. I look at the motives of his so called positive qualities he has. The first time I met him he said I was the girl he wanted to marry He knew what women in general like to hear. He tried hard to make me feel loved and get dependent on him for my own self- esteem. I do realize he cannot love me or build up my self-esteem if he felt less about himself. It is more important to me how good a man feels about himself. I am responsible for my own self-esteem. Jim is not loyal to his or any standards, they are always changing to benefit him in many ways. His belief system are weak and mixed with evil. He needs to believe he is good, because grief and guilt would otherwise eat away at him. His perception has no healthy comparison to know if his thinking is right. A lot of his energy emotionally and mentally is devoted to scheming, defending, covering his tracks and denial. This keeps him stuck, never improving or growing. Growth is a sign of a healthy individual. If a person can reason properly, in turn create good decisions , both he and the people he is around will benefit from that. CHAPTER 5 TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
  30. 30. 30 The healing process needs a belief system based on the harmonies workings of the inner child, parent and adult self. We need to nurture the inner child with our inner parent. First readers need to understand that the inner child refers to the child we grew up with , all of it's unmet needs and wounds. When seeking a mate we attract that kind of person that was similar to our real parents. We have later in life sub-conscious expectations to fill those unmet needs. If we had abusive or neglectful parents we will likely attract the same unhealthy cycle. We need to learn to provide everything we need now. We need to provide healthy parenting even thou we did not have the proper examples. If we do not have those taught skills we have resources such as therapy, support groups such as CODA, and books/tapes. Support groups are free, books and research can be done in the library and if you qualify low cost or free therapy sources are available through various organizations. . WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF RESPONDING TO THE ABUSER......... Remember if your life is in danger when speaking up then disregard this section of verbal responds. Remember your self-esteem, self-
  31. 31. 31 worth and self-love can be built up and nurtured by you , and others professionally aware of him and the situation. In the following are a few examples of conversations of the abused and they victims. The method or motive plus the recommended responses have been provided. REMEMBER THAT VERBAL ABUSE IS A VIOLATION, NOT JUST A CONFLICT! 10 EXAMPLES TO HELP YOU - ABUSER : "You never know how to do anything right!" METHOD : Puts you down to destroy your self-worth. REPLY : "You never know how to talk to me with respect, as a human being". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABUSER : "You are getting upset over nothing." METHOD : Denial REPLY : "You are saying that my feelings are nothing, that is wrong. With two people both of our feelings are equally important." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  32. 32. 32 ABUSER : "I never agreed to that, I do not know where you got that idea." (It is abuse if it is a lie!) METHOD : Denial, lying and forgets on purpose. REPLY : " I trust my memory, if you choose to forget for some reason, that is your business but does not change reality." _________________________________________________________ ABUSER : "You are not happy unless you are complaining." METHOD : DiscountingUndermining. REPLY : " I am sticking it out hoping you will see the light. I have hope, complaining shows I am not happy." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABUSER : "If you are not happy, why don't you just leave." METHOD : Threatening REPLY : " I would like to stay and be happy but it takes two." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABUSER : "They is nothing I have to say." OR " What do you mean I never talk to you?" METHOD : Withholding REPLY : " If you keep your feelings, hopes, dreams, to yourself it prevents real
  33. 33. 33 intimacy and understanding between us. " ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABUSER : " Come in here now, and get rid of this now!" METHOD : Ordering REPLY : " Please ask me in a nice way , you get more accomplished with kindness." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABUSER : " Who ask you !" METHOD : Undermining REPLY : " I can speak, not just when I am spoken to." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABUSER : " You are stupid , and you know it!" METHOD : Put down Judging REPLY : " That is your opinion, that does not make it a fact!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WIFE : " Honey, I am real tired and not in the mood for sex." ABUSER : "If you are not getting it from me, then tell me who you are getting it from?" METHOD : Blaming REPLY : " Sex should only be if mutual, if you read more into it then the fact I am
  34. 34. 34 tired, please do not!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ABUSER : "You always have to have the last word!" METHOD : Accusing REPLY : "I have been put in a position to defend myself or stand up for myself. We should both be in each others corner!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Remember you are his target, he needs that external fix to make himself feel powerful and good. An unhealthy power that harms you the victim and keeps the abuser fixed , addicted or stuck on you and the sense of feeling powerful. METHODS EMPLOYED BY ABUSERS. Remember that many times verbal abuse leads to physical abuse. We will attempt to explain and list the different methods that abusers commonly use to get to they victims. 1) DENYDENIAL 2) SICK HUMOR
  35. 35. 35 3) DISCOUNT 4) UNDERMINE 5) RESIST 6) POINT THE FINGER 7) JUDGE 8) MINIMIZE 9) THREATEN 10) NO RESPECT 11) FEAR through ANGER You could make a list of how your spouse displays any of the above methods of abuse. Give actual accounts in your journal for future reference. Keep your writings safe in unknown places to others. Date everything and list all details. Your pen and paper will soon be like a good friend, always they to listen, to remind you, to support you. If you have been abused you are going to need a lot of support, perhaps a listening ear, a hug, validation that you are OK, knowing
  36. 36. 36 that you are not alone. Reach out, read and listen to those who went through it. Know the laws in your town. Always save up and become financial independent. We must protect our belief system. We must have strong beliefs and not let anyone discount or undermine them. We must stand up for ourselves in a tactful and loving way. By loving ourselves first and being selfish in a good way is important in maintaining our emotionally healthy self. Many abusers mistake they mates as they enemy. Distrust, games and giving her a hard time is not really working toward love and unity. Even if you summit to his treatment, it will not help lesson the abuse. Remember his reality, perception and power over you is important to him and nothing else matters. It becomes a fix, habit or addiction to feel needed and cared for. He cannot see the pain because of denial or will not try to and leaves then to avoid accepting blame. Isolation is one area the abuser uses to wall off his victim from others. He may be insecure, pocessive, selfish, jealous and the victims insulation does not fill his needs only feeds it more. The more she is kept in the dark away from others the more he can continue his control over her while others are unaware of the problem. True intimacy requires mutual intention to communicate, understand, share, respond, and support one another. Many victims try alone at achieving intimacy to no avail. We the victim do not give up easy,
  37. 37. 37 otherwise in our already low self-esteem state we would have to admit to failure. COMMON TRAITS OF THE ABUSER. MEMORY - Either the abuser’s memory is very bad in denial or very good with being obsessed with his object of desire. LONER & NON-SOCIAL - Clings or rejects people or structure around him. DISLOYAL - Cheats on society or friends and family. JEALOUS - Envy. Does not feel others deserve what they receive. Insecure and unsure. POWER & CONTROL - Gets what he want at all expense - use to getting the results he seeks. Uses badness to get what he feels he deserves.
  38. 38. 38 FALSE FRONTS - Not true to themselves or anyone. They have the ability to fool authorities, therapists, victims, friends and family. Outwardly they pretend to be good and mean well, are nice and good-hearted. PERCEPTION - is very narrow, warped. He perceives by his own feelings not any other source. See's himself as a helpless victim. USER - feels entitled to attention, love & material things from others. ADDICTIONS - To a variety of things from power, control, processing money, sex, risks, drugs, alcohol etc. Most abusers cannot reason with foresight, hindsight, and consider the consequences , if so, it would save a lot of victims of the effects of abuse. WAYS TO CHANGE HIS NEGATIVE BRAINWASHING. 1) AFFIRMATIONS -
  39. 39. 39 You can give yourself emotional support by turning inward. First change your belief system by subconscious affirmations. Sayings that have positive statements that begin mostly with I AM , I DO, I CAN & I WILL . We will provide a sample list of possible affirmations or take your time and create your own. WHAT YOU WILL NEED. First you need a tape recorder that records and plays. Second record on a cassette in your own voice those affirmations that apply to you, repeat each sentence seven times on your recorder. Listen to that recording twice a day for more then 72 hours. Within the 72 hours permanent changes will start in your sub-conscious mind. Many of your negative self-taught thoughts , feelings, beliefs will be gone and replaced with positive beliefs that will motivate you. SAMPLE AFFIRMATIONS OR CREATE YOUR own; I am not afraid. Fear has no control over me. I am strong and capable of taking care of me and my children. I can let my feelings out and deal with them. I can be self-sufficient and take care of myself.
  40. 40. 40 I am worth more then abuse. I will develop a healthy self-esteem and self-worth. I have an internal and external support system every day. I love myself enough to take care of myself and my kids. I will take care of my wants, needs and desires. I do deserve a healthy love. I can be loved and give love. I am a beautiful person. I can be strong and lovable. I attract only good in my life. I deserve the best in life. I can be treated with love and respect. I am a great person and people love me. 2) Expressing anger; We deny our power when we ignore our anger, and bury our feelings. Feelings never go away unless we face them and deal with them. As humans we all have rights to our feelings, they are real and a needed expression, do not let the abuser tell you otherwise. His plan is to slowly destroy your individual feelings, needs and esteem. One solution
  41. 41. 41 to feel powerful again is to let your anger out in private and constructively. Some ways I have used is; I rolled up my car windows and screamed & punched my pillow and verbalized what is bothering me. I write daily in a journal my thoughts and feelings. You will be surprised want comes out of you. Why let those feelings eat away at your soul. You are hurt and you deserve to be anger. First we are a victim then we victimize others. Unless we have an outlet and a complete healing we may carry the abusers traits down the family line. 3) Read and listen to others experiences; Learn from them, take heart you are not alone. Abuse is a lot more common then anyone cares to believe. That does not make it anymore right just because it is becoming more common place. Share, if you feel safe also read, listen, learn, understand and get strength by using your mind. 4) Be good to yourself every day; Fuel yourself with good thoughts, fun things, healthy and wholesome activities, friends you trust and pray to your higher power. Eat well,
  42. 42. 42 sleep well and most important, exercise to let out the stress of abuse. Exercise decreases the negative effects of stress and strain. Walking is best, listen to a tape while walking or talk to a friend. 5) Last know your resources and options; This book will provide some but your community may have more. What ever decision you make, remember you & your kids lives are the most important. Do not let fear control your life, take charge, take control & empower yourself. Sometimes leaving can make it worst, because the object of addiction for power and control has left. In his eyes you are his enemy if you leave. Your needs, hurts, desires are not even real. You are only inside his narrow perception of reality. I have devoted an entire chapter on how to get inside the mind of the abuser. Have you ever tried reasoning with an addicted individual that's drunk or on drugs. Abusers mostly cannot be reasoned with because of they own addictions to you. Women need to always be prepared in case of anything. Always have your own transportation , money, checking account, education, friends, a second home you could move to if need be. I personally would
  43. 43. 43 always have my own bank savings deposit box with cash, cellular phone and phone number. Even if I could take only the clothes on my back and my children I would be gone. When I was in danger after Jim left I carried mace with green die and tear gas because of the HIT that was called on me. I always kept a handwritten diary of all evidence of communication and activities between me and the abuser. Some of my diary enters are recorded in this book. Remember that this book is to heal my wounds and help other women in a similar situation to gain a better understanding of they situation to know the alternatives and have the strength to leave if need be. CHAPTER 6 MY DAILY MEDITATIONS ON A DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP. TAKEN FROM THE AUTHORS DIARY. Why must someone be in control of the reactions of his partner. Why must he try to control the outcome of any given situation. Reactions have now replaced communications. I need to read facial expressions and sense what is going on. Anger seems to be the only
  44. 44. 44 honest emotion. But the reasons why that person is angry is still a mystery. Love has been betrayed by the mere expression of words and inconsistent actions. In turn this game of how much can I screw with my partners beliefs happen. He is very insecure and needs to control the outcome of every situation. He will do anything to reassure himself that he is loved and desired. His pocession has replaced a healthy love. It feels so smothering, confiding and with no room for growth. This partner does not see how much control he is using or harm he is causing. All attention centers around his feelings and thoughts. Selfishly centered around his wants, needs, desires, hurts, feelings and thoughts. You have here a little child in a grown man. Many needs that were not met as a child is his concern. What was missing in his childhood is the heavy responsibly of his current partner. Jet at times he is childlike in a more positive way. Open to change, growth and easily influenced by the good and bad around him. He would say to me , when you get a thought you stick with it, you don't let it go. I do not understand why you feel that way? My feelings and thoughts were never accepted as OK. He welcomed my dependency on him and he would say the hell with them. He would speak down about me to others to the point of slander. Turning everyone he knew against me and to make himself look better. He would create an
  45. 45. 45 isolated situation of just him and me. He would want to spend every free moment with me, keeping me from other people especially men thinking he could control my faithfulness. I have a set of standards that never change; morals, goals and values that remain good. When disfunction exist my creativity and growth is stunted. It feeds upon itself and grows while healthy love dies. Crimes are the extreme of disfunction. A VICTIMS NEEDS I need to speak and be understood. I need to be accepted. I am dating someone entering his teenage years at 33. He rebels, he is stubborn, he makes his own rules, he is finally moving out on his own and jet dependent on his mother only a block away. I need GOD and I need my inner wisdom. I need to see things clearly and make right decisions. I really respect intelligent and decisive people. I need a grown man in my life. I need to trust. I need to accept and be accepted. I need a safe love to believe in. CRIMES OF THE HEART Being a prisoner of a dysfunctional love is no picnic. It takes it's
  46. 46. 46 toll on your mental, spiritual and physical health. It takes all your strength plus the help of other professionals to regain the good that was once lost. Do not give up! Life is a continual journey and endless learning adventure. People need to come and go in our lives. Change is continual and growth has pain mixed in with it. As adults we are responsible and capable of making that journey as painless as possible. One way is to take the shortest route and pass helpful people on the road, if we get off the beaten path of our wounded life. DETACHED A VICTIMS FEELINGS Where are all the people. Faces and bodies jet no souls connecting. Communication and acceptance where are you? To let someone in means to expose yourself to hurt. Without risk we cannot live fully. Death is the only safe place for some people. No wonder we live in a suicide environment, it is the ultimate detachment. It is not the solution or answer, it is only a desperate plead for a safe place with no return. Embrace and risk rejection you are worth that and more. We need people, let us show them with acceptance and love that we are part of they lives.
  47. 47. 47 CHAPTER 7 JIM'S CRIMES OF THE HEART LETTERS OF DECEPTION WRITTEN BY THE ABUSER I received many letters for three years convincing me of his intentions with me. True goodness does not have to be defended or explained. Either we are good or evil. I never experienced in all of my dating years someone with such a low self-esteem and always trying to sell himself to me. I have heard that (unhealthy) love is blind, I wanted to believe everything his words said. Here are a few sample letters. Notice the attitude of the writer as my hero, my future hope, doing all he can to influence my decisions. SAMPLE LETTER FROM JIM. 8-23-95 The terrible situation you brought to my attention last Friday deeply concerns me. In sharing the information this past weekend and
  48. 48. 48 concluding our discussion of it on Monday. If what we've talked about is so , that your safety is in danger and maybe your life , and has to do with anything to do with people we have talked about or someone not sure of . I really want to do my best to get these people out of yours and my life forever. Your safety is very important as is your well being, to me ,and I want you to know I will do what ever is right and what ever it takes in aiding protection and helping you by installing the security system we talked about, getting a private investigator, I will even talk with police and work with to get whom ever is doing this to you far away, to conclude this horrible harassment you are receiving. When I told you that you were my best friend and you said you were my only friend, I must say friends help and I want to help you , please let me. I am a human being, I have problems, I make mistakes, I am changing and there are no buts about it. To see my best friend carry all this weight of this burden is not right. Please allow me to help rectify this situation in any way I am able to or capable of doing so. Lets both put our heads together to ease this fear and worry and make positive light from this bad circumstance. I do not know what else I can do to assure you in feeling safe and
  49. 49. 49 comfortable about me trying to help you and give my support or gain my trust in helping out. You know how I can be reached if you need me or just to talk with anytime day or night. With my most concerning love. Facts made known to the Author. After receiving the above letter. Little does anyone know that 5-6 months later after hearing from a detective that a hit on me was planned. Two men with clubs and masks were to put me in a coma and break my legs. He, my boyfriend paid thousands of dollars to his friends to do the job, money was exchanged. After 6 months of intense fear and emotional stress he confesses to me he planned and paid for this crime against me. He said it was because he wanted no man to find me attractive and want to make love to me. He commanded the breaking of my legs but when he found out detectives were hot on his trail and his hit man told on him, he called off the Hit on me. He wanted forgiveness and friendship from me. His guilt was eating away at him. Then I find out two other friends got this confession. Like the letter said he discontinued his association with the hit men. I feel life to this man is a stage with players and he is the producer and director of everyone because
  50. 50. 50 of his need to control. SOME OF THE CRIMES I HAVE ENDURED FROM HIM ARE THE FOLLOWING; SLANDER - Making up things according to his warped perception turning lifelong friends against me. All his relatives and friends disassociated themselves from us because of his wicked tongue. HARASSMENT - Many attempts to call me from phone booths and hung up on me. STEALING - My keys he confessed in stealing to give to the hit men. My garbage was stolen to see if I was seeing anyone and to know my personal business. LIRE - Even though he gave me a disease he claims he never had a lover or was unfaithful to me. HARASSMENT - Following me to instill fear in me to the point of speeding and almost causing an accident. Driving by to check up on me.
  51. 51. 51 PROPERTY DAMAGE - $1500 worth of automobile damage to my new car. Did not want to pay and said to go to criminal court. I did go and received damages. Other major crimes were done. Written and verbal confessions were received. If deception, manipulation , control , possessiveness is a crime then add those too. SEQUENCES OF EVENTS AND HAPPENINGS DURING OUR COURTSHIP AND BREAKUP. 1994-1996 1) First hour after meeting him he said I was the girl he wanted to marry. 2) After a few weeks I discovered he owned 6-7 guns including one human assault weapon. I asked why, his reply was that he was worried someone was going to take his son away. He promised to sell them to a friend and said with pride he would be able to get them back any time he needed them.
  52. 52. 52 3) Admitted to me that he has Attention Deficient Disorder but he was on two different medications. 4) Admitted he was sexually abused by his father and no one but one member in his family knew. 5) Admitted to me he thinks most or all in his family has ADD. 6) May 1993 he bought me an engagement ring. 7) During the two and a half years we broke up over a dozen times. 8) Took himself off his medication without his Doctors permission, then the abuse and crimes started. 9) Admitted in writing that he forced sex on me when on vacation in Maine .
  53. 53. 53 10) 1994-1995 For 8 months pretended to be interested in my past religion by study and meetings but proved false. 11) During this time he verbally promised he was going to play games from now on. 12) I rejected his offer for a free 4 year degree, free travel to Germany to visit my relatives, and 51% ownership in his business. 13) Test drove a Acrura Intrega for $18,900 and decided against it because I wanted to buy a Neon for $13,600 and use all my own money I saved. 14) During 1994 slandered me among my religious friends I knew for 15 years. Started to feel the efforts of spiritual, emotional and financial abuse. 15) After our breakup , in the spring of 1994 I received over $1400 worth of property damage on my new Neon car by
  54. 54. 54 Jim. During this time he said he had a cop friend remove important confession papers from my police files, I did not know till after the trial. This perhaps aided him in having his charges removed after a year of good behavior. During that year he promised the Judge he would not touch me or my property again. He went around and above the Law, fooled the Judge and Hired Hit Men to have me badly damaged. 16) During 1994 received many harassing calls, death threats, hang ups and was followed for months (during the Hit). 17) Jim one day watched for me, stoked and followed as I sped up he did, I was living in intense fear and pregnant with his child the winter of 1996. I escaped at a local Kennel , called the police . That day I started spotting and cramping and thought I would lose the baby. 18) Later I found out by Jim's confession to me that he confessed to two other people that he paid $2000 for two Hit Men to have my legs broken and for me to be put in a coma. Jim told me the reason he did it was so no man would want me. The reason he
  55. 55. 55 called it off, was the local Detective's were hot on his trail and that the Hit man double crossed him. 19) January 1996 conceived a child by him , on April 1996 I miscarried due to intense stress and fear. Felt the child detach around mid March 1996 during his visit when he would not leave. My hormone level went down after that . 20) After that I broke it off for about 2 months. Saw him in July and August as friends. Consented to Oral sex only when he forced his will on me and I fought him off, got mad and cried. This was August 17 1996. This day I conceived his child. 21) On several occasions Jim did things that would endanger me and my baby , since then I have stayed away. I spoke to several professionals who work with ADD people and reassured me that this was more serious that he was a Con man and criminal, that he had no conscious and out smarts everyone. She said I should become totally detached and do not rely on him for anything. Even though this is his child and I make in one year what Jim can make in one week, I
  56. 56. 56 decided to suffer financially and keep my sanity. I am well below property level and do not qualify for state or town help because I have a newer car. If I sold it I would have to live off of it before I can reapply for assistance. I choose to keep my car. THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN FIRST FOR ME TO HEAL MY WOUNDS, THEN TO HELP OTHER WOMEN IN SIMILAR SITUATIONS, ALSO TO DONATE PART OF THE PROFITS OF THIS BOOK TO ABUSE CAUSES AND FINALLY TO GIVE THIS WONDERFUL INNOCENT CHILD I WILL HAVE IN 1997 A GOOD START IN LIFE, A HOME, FOOD AND AN EDUCATION. I TRULY BELIEVE THAT GOOD BEGETS GOOD AND ONE CAN TURN A NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR ALL INNOCENT PARTIES. DIARY OF THE VICTIM Confusion of Feelings
  57. 57. 57 MARCH 5 1994 Being alone I can recollect my thoughts, make sense of things and gain back my sanity. Feeling whole and at peace plus productive comes easier when I am alone. I feel resentful, angry, crowded, burden, my space taken away. I feel filled with someone else's thoughts, an unhealthy mind, deficient in normal function. I do not want to be exposed to that. Patience is something I do not have. Jim takes 50- 70% more time to do the same task or to think and make decisions. I try to block out what he says, sometimes it makes no sense. I fear he will change on his many promises. When he starts taking control I would leave or resist. I have no confidence in his decisions and to carry them through. FEELING GOOD THEN BAD. MARCH 10 1994 My mind feels scattered. I feel insecure. I feel panic feelings of helplessness, losing something, losing control, losing contentment and peacefulness. Jim and I are doing better today. We are agreeing and understanding each other better. We are being more fair to ourselves and each other.
  58. 58. 58 We will go to our first CODA meeting tomorrow night. At the Bible meeting in the morning he said for the first time he felt spiritually connected. He took the lead and looked up the scriptures, that makes me feel good. I am afraid of the following with Jim; 1. Losing everything I work for and that it all will be taken from me. 2. No one wants me, I am worthless. 3. If I marry Jim things will change. He will get lazy. I will end up supporting him, his kid and myself. 4. Jim will become like his verbally abusive father. 5. Afraid we will be dependent on his relatives if Jim cannot provide for us. I feel overwhelmed by quilt I feel I owe everyone a favor or explanation and I am not doing it. I feel also that Jim is keeping a dark secret that he will surprise me later. Sometimes in one day I will go from feeling good about myself to being restless and dissatisfied, unlovable, and not worthy.
  59. 59. 59 August 29 1994 When I feel empty, restless and lonely. I have disconnected with my inner child. I do not feel connected. For the past 2 years I connected with Jim's inner child , I lost myself. I lost the art of connecting with me. This person I loved (Jim) and trusted so much as myself, has a mental disorder and a criminal mind. The only three emotions he knows is FEAR, ANGER and SHAME. I crave love and goodness, my writing and poetry brings this out, I had it as a child and miss it. Jim craves my love and goodness, he never had in his upbringing. He admitted he dated me only to marry me and to keep custody of his son. This I found out one and a half years later. During this time I tried to break free, disconnecting myself from his wounded inner child. I never gave up that he would improve. He tired again and again to be more normal to no avail. I notice in being with him more then 500 + days a pattern of control through manipulation, neediness, spending money and guilt etc. He would make friends in a needy way, then use them, then discard them, act like a victim and make himself an enemy by slander or committing a crime. He would drag the reputation of others down to his level, and try to make himself
  60. 60. 60 look good. He does not respect others boundaries and tries to make his mistakes right with money or manipulation. I am his main target lately. He connects mostly with me and holds me responsible for everything in his life. I believe his problems partially stem from his upbringing, like his qualities of jealousy, envy, strife, slander, using money to get even, blaming, guilt, shame, holding on to bad feelings and grudges. I believe part of his problem is from Copper poisoning, destroying and malfunctioning his (CNS) central nervous system and brain activity. I told him to test his water supply that it is connected to his Attention Deficient Disorder. I have seen in the past 2 years Jim act out all his bad qualities with me and try to destroy my life. Because of him I lost my life long friends, my religion, my core as to who I am, my inner child was hurt for 2 years. Therapy has cost me thousands of dollars to pick up the pieces. I am learning to reconnect with myself. I need to make a new life for myself. He manages to invade every core of my being, my heart, using my head, my religion, my friends, my doctor, my therapist. I believe Jim attracts crises and creates trouble and uses control through manipulation and money to make everything right for him. Therapy is not enough for him, he is no longer on his medication. He took himself off his medication without his Doctor's permission. His conscious does not work till the crime or harm has been done. He has turned every person he knows against me to make
  61. 61. 61 his terrible self look better. The only difference with me is that I feel that God supports me. Between almost losing my life in a bike accident, to having 2 hit men hired by Jim to have me badly hurt and raid my apartment. My life is being tested and I am being spared because God loves me. WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. We the abused , need to take care of our own cares and concerns. We must create and fulfill our own dreams and desires. THE BEGINNING OF THE END. SEPT 25 96 AFTER I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT BY HIM, I WENT TO HIM WITH THE HONEST NEWS. THE DAY WE BROKE UP ON AUGUST 17 96 WE CONCEIVED A CHILD..... From my journal...... As I wake in the middle of the night filled with concerns and thoughts
  62. 62. 62 I am prevented from falling back to sleep. If I do not wake then nightmares take over and wake me. A lot of the writings in this book happen in the wee hours of the morning. My thoughts go back over today a lot of the things said and did by Jim, many of them do not make sense and scare me. I feel I am living inside the mind of the criminal, knowing Jim so well as I do. His behavior is so inconsistent with his words it could drive the most sane person not able to cope. He insisted he wanted to buy me maternity clothes from a maternity shop this evening. That was after the fact that he risk our lives by trying to jump out of my car at 35-40 mph. He had his door wide open and one foot out the door when I suddenly stopped my car in the middle of the road almost causing an accident. I am 6 weeks pregnant with his child. Whenever he felt guilty flowers, letters or gifts etc. were offered. He promised he wanted to provide for me and the baby, emotionally and money wise. I made it clear that I didn't want to get married to him or live with him. We were driving and no conversation was accuring. He admitted later that evening that communication is a problem and he admits he slanders me all the time. We kept going back to each other after each breakup. I did it because after being away from him for awhile I got my belief system back on track again and believed everything he said. He never meant or felt what he said. He said what I wanted to hear. I am
  63. 63. 63 healthy enough to heal all the past pain. It only takes a short time to see through his manipulative powers. He says the things he says to influence, persuade or convince me that reality is different and my thinking is wrong. He figures by saying " I love you", "I want to marry you", and "I want us to be a family" that he has good motives but over driven by his evil actions to make his wishes come true. Forcing someone to have sex during her fertile period so she becomes pregnant and dependent on him. I have tried reasoning with him and when I can not get through I realize how dangerous he really is. I have learned actions speak louder then words. Every time I rejected him in the past he got very insecure, he needed, I understand now to control with money. He wanted me dependent on his money while at the same time he complained to friends and family or anyone who would listen that I was after his money. I knew he was in heavy debt , always owing others many thousands of dollars, including his sister and mother, suppliers, friends, attorneys etc. He had, at this time, committed some small and large crimes and by painting me bad he looked better to others. Instead of stopping his badness, it gave him power. But he noticed he was losing his friends and families. The way Jim thinks could fill volumes of books and I could be the author. When ever I am with him he is always planning bad thoughts quietly
  64. 64. 64 with no communication he is trapped inside his narrow perception of reality. When he told me the other day that his son ( who he has full custody of ), pulled a knife on himself at his mother's house lately. It hurts me deeply to hear him yearn for healthy love and attention and not get it. He told me he was scared of his dad. That his father threw things at him in a fit of rage. I remember him leaving the son alone a number of times when he was 8 years old for many hours without telling him where he was. I realize if Jim wants to be totally honest with any future relationship he will have to confess to his crimes against another woman in his past. She would leave knowing he is capable of doing that. Since he can even fool all his therapists . I no longer hold out any hope for him to change enough not to be a threat or abusive to a loved one. I found out today he was paying his workers under the table. He said he was doing that to avoid legal requirements. Always keeping secrets and holding in feelings is the way Jim lives teaching his son by example too. His son has had a hard time expressing his feeling now, that is why he acts out or reacts with anger or fear. In first grade he pulled a scissor on a fellow class mate. He was found to have ADD and needed medication. What kind of family life teaches they son those values and ways of coping. Do I want my
  65. 65. 65 child to be influenced and raised by this man, NO! No matter what they say is right he has to have supervised visits with restrictions & limitations. I live in fear every day, that he will plan to hurt me. Why does Jim keep wanting me to take him back? Perhaps it is because I never did him any harm. He knows I am a good person. He benefited from my goodness and left me drained and dry. He would try to copy me to make himself look good. He spends more then half his time & energy to defend himself, saying others made him do it. We cannot help ourselves if we are in complete denial. He needs people to believe in his goodness. Goodness is honest, simple and straightforward. Evil is confusing, complicated and underhanded. I can separate the two. I hate evil and love goodness. Jim combines and uses the two to accomplish what he wants. That is why he can say I love you thousands of times and hurt me emotionally or be in the middle of planning some crime. I woke again in the wee hours of the morning reflecting on my day spent with his son. We took a ride in his 5 ton truck to go for a bike ride at Forest Park in East Longmeadow, Mass. As we drove in the park we went over maybe 14 - 18 different speed bumps 4-5 feet wide and going the entire width of the road , in bright yellow and hard to miss. He slowed down for all but one which he increased his speed
  66. 66. 66 then I looked up as we flew over one the seat belt was tight on me , but I jump out of my seat banged back down like a man in a rodeo riding a steer. I thought I would miscarriage right there. I screamed loud out of pain. I lost clear liquid an hour later at a CAFE, but nothing else happened, what a scare. The incident seemed on purpose. His son remarked he could see the speed bump, being about 1 and a half inches shorter sitting & down between us in the front seat. He expressed fear about providing money and emotionally for this child. He said he was not willing to pay for the birth up front. I said I did not want his unwillingness to pay to result in bad credit to me. Jim is known to be underhanded to protect himself. At the doctors office the other day he filled out his household income as $200 a week despite grossing over 70k a year. Till May of 1995 he sponged off his mother's home and car. Having free unlimited use of her car for more then 40k miles in over 6 months. When she is around, unlimited baby-sitting free of charge. I encouraged him at 33 to take more self-responsibility, move out & rent a house, get transportation and see more of his son . He's very proud, he claims everything as a business expense from food, recreation, medical etc. He has a problem with being totally honest. Last year at the police station Jim had a friend remove a written statement of a confessed crime against me.
  67. 67. 67 He admitted that to me later. I cannot marry Jim because he is unstable, unpredictable, dishonest and abusive. Always combining good with evil and justifying his actions or blaming others. I know he owes a lot of people a lot of money. His sister who raised him he owed over $4000 and gave her attorney a $3000+ debt to collect on to pay it off. His mother he owes over $6000 and he was suppose to finish a stone patio in return for his debt, it is only 10-15% done for many years and never completed to this day. He owes his suppliers, attorney, and friends lots of money. In one year he wrote over $6000 in bad checks, overdrawing his account and costing himself that extra money. He would blame his disorganization on his ADD, he discontinued medication on his own accord years ago. He created situations to use as excuses for irresponsibility. He always has covered his tracks, try to make good on all his harmful actions and mistakes. He is a poor excuse for a father and potential husband. To marry him, I would with the knowledge be asking for trouble and an unsafe, unstable environment. He thinks paying child support and the medical expenses is tax deducted. Anything to keep his net worth well below what it should. CHAPTER 8
  68. 68. 68 SPIRITUAL ABUSE Let me take you back to the religion I loved and was close to for over 15 years. We call each other brother and sister plus all my friends were of this religion. I left the religion because I believed that God had left me. I married one of they servants working with the Elders. He was born into the faith and after a mere 3-4 months we were married. Sex before marriage is a sin so we waited till our honeymoon. Well to make a very long story short I suffered abuse I was only hit once but death threats were constant. I slept alone with my door bolted shut with a 2 by 4 piece of wood. Worst then that the elders said I must be doing something to provoke it or that it is not true. I was divorced with $500 , a miscarriage and in debt with credit cards and charges buying him things. I currently live next door to his wife, him and his two kids and neighbors remark how she pleads for life and for him not to beat her. All of this 12 years ago made me fall away from the religion, family, friends and love I only knew. Well after 10 years out I wanted to study again and get close to God and his people. Jim seemed dismayed by the bad world conditions and he confessed to having a good heart and no one was understanding him or accepting him. After Jim studied for 6-8 months we stayed away from sex so we could be in good standing and marry into this
  69. 69. 69 religion. It took a little less then one year for me to go to the meetings, not be talked to or associated with and prove that I wanted to come back and not sin. I was finally reinstated and in good standing. Now let me take you through my diary of terrible events of spiritual abuse, forced sex and slander. FACTS THAT HAPPENED We went to Maine on vacation for 2 days and one night. We got a two bedroom duplex with kitchen. We went to bed around 9pm separately. After midnight when Jim medication wore off I was awaken out of a deep sleep seeing Jim crawl over me on all fours. When I was about to say something he put his hand over my mouth and he used his right hand over my mouth and used his other free hand to get under the covers and pinned me down with his knees. Then less then 5 minutes seemed like hours I was raped. I was shocked and scared. He said nothing and returned to his room I silently cried myself to sleep. Half the night I did not sleep. The next morning I questioned him over breakfast. He said he felt insecure. That once I am reinstated I will give him up. That there are plenty of brothers in the truth. Later at home in Connecticut he mentioned he knew I was futile and he wanted to hang on to me, make me pregnant and to stay
  70. 70. 70 in his life somehow. He said he did not do this to hurt me. He said if I either break up with him or tell the truth about forced sex he would make me look bad in the eyes of the truth. In conclusion - .....Since the third week in march 1994 Jim and I hugged numerous times and kissed 5-6 times. I never willingly engaged in sex. I had to say no to him many times. I had to be strong for both of us! There is a reason why I broke up with him more the 10 times. He had a hold on me. He used control and manipulation as tool. His son had to witness emotional and verbal abuse for 40 minutes in his mothers car as Jim is driving me home. I studied with his son that evening. He said Satan and sugar is affecting his father and I did nothing bad. That is when I gave him the letter I have enclosed. May 27 1994 - .....I calmly called Jim. I did not feel connected with him. He had a bad day. He reared ended someone in his mothers car. Something I always feared driving with him. I realize what a loser he is ..... Asked
  71. 71. 71 Jim if we could be life long friends if we do not get married. He did not want to discuss it. He wants a wife and mother for HIS SON. and I fit the bill. June 1 1994 - .....Jim came over spaced out again. He had a careless attitude all day. His attitude and neediness I do not want. His inability to make decisions on his own I can not stand.. After Thi Chi class Jim was very sick, I found out he took himself off his medication. Him going without it, can be very dangerous. June 22 1994 - ....The past two days I have detached from Jim. He no longer will hold money and giving over me as control or to manipulate me. I detached and I have not eaten for 12 hours. I had no appetite or will to go ON I was depressed and weak with no will to feed myself. Jim was fixing the hole in my wall, he punched in my apartment. I cried for what seemed for hours. I knew I had to give up school. I prayed a lot. I couldn't turn to any one else. I knew his complaining was a sign he wanted out. I now have the courage. I called him at 3am we both cried. He said how easy it would be to commit suicide. I thought I should call
  72. 72. 72 911, he said no. The next day he wanted to be friends. He comes over my house and walks right in without knocking. Today I give up my formal education I could have gone to for 4 years, free. Now the schooling is out of the way to be used as a controlling device. Now he wants to send me to Germany to see my relatives. Jim wants to go with me. He said if I do not go I can put the money away for our marriage. He uses promises, giving, neediness and money as control. I am growing out of an unhealthy love that my mother and Jim gave me. Both conditional and controlling . I have decided to be just friends so he will detach gradually and serve God and think of his son and other things instead of being obsessed with me. I do not wish to see his neediness , weaknesses, crying and sick mind at work. I want someone strong who does things out of right motives. God is my best friend. Now Jim wants to attach to God. Why? Because that is closest to me. July 15 1994 - Worse weekend ever. I felt unsafe, worried, hurt and abused. Jim was unpredictable, cruel, accusing and hateful . He made a dozen mistakes. Today is our religious assembly. I said nothing or he would
  73. 73. 73 get very mad. First he gets off the wrong exit, then he goes to the wrong breakfast place, stands my mother up. Got to the assembly late and Jim did not care. His attitude reminds me of Satan the devil. He wanted to look for seats independent of the Elders help. His attitude was judgmental and violent. He called me self righteous. He wanted to hit the brother next to him for not disciplining his child. I cried and shook off his abuse all day. The assembly awoken all the old feelings of safety and security and love for God. I prayed a dozen times that day to cope. It’s hard to love someone that pleases Satan uses God's name and judges the truth....I love goodness and I am not self-righteous. I have a bright future with God. Another day............. ....His two personalities came out again. He got mad that I did not allow him to use my #800 for his business. He wants me to be 51% owner of his business, to save on taxes. I did not want to get any deeper involved in his life. I do not want to depend on someone who walks out, cannot communicate, thinks only of his feelings and one cannot reason with. I want my freedom. He has a hold on me. He is selfish. He is unpredictable. I want out. ....He misdirects his anger. He does not communicate well. He is angry with everyone. He dictates, he
  74. 74. 74 controls. I am hanging on. My self-esteem does not look good. Why wait for the truth to change him. Why wait for him to find fault again and again. Stand tall, Evelyn I have been a mother and friend to both him and his son. I feel more fearful. I am protecting myself all week. I need my personal space and boundaries. He and his family go out to a movie. I got scared . Jim expressed his hateful anger with his son only because he did not want to drive home with us. His son cries easy because of the abuse. I feel for him. I was mending the situation, what a job . I hate the job! I want someone capable I can look up to. I do not know what I am waiting for. I need a vacation from this relationship. Sept and on ..... After the Thursday religious meeting he had to follow me to my car. He was crying. I was resentful because he would not let me go. Sometimes in the middle of the night he could kill both of us. For my own safety I cannot tell anyone what happen in Maine that weekend. He said if he cannot have me no one else will, and since he has had me all the way no one else will, and now it was time for him to play games.
  75. 75. 75 Sept 17 1994 ....Jim Is a threat to me emotionally, spiritually, mentally and maybe worse. He has found a unnatural attachment to me. I must handle this situation with care. He clings to every area of my life and fooled everyone I love around me. The same gym, therapist, support group, religion, he has formed trusting relationships with people I love for 24 years. I do not trust him. He is dishonest, manipulating. He is nice until he gets what he wants. He stole my freedom, friends, love, emotions and nearly my sanity. His son an innocent child has great promise in the truth. I will be there for him. I gave Jim over 10 chances. I went back to him as a friend. I was fooled by his tears. He is changeable and he is crafty. He is like an angel of light. He is weak in the brain and with emotions. Jim knows the only way to get to me is through the religious Elders. He knows I have not paid any attention to his dozen attempts to talk to me since I gave him the letter December 1 1994 and gave him back the ring and payment for a months rent. He says yes and does another. If it took me over 200 days in 1994 in a intimate relationship to finally realize this then I can not expect anyone else to see this on the surface with Jim. I broke it off cold, with no room for friendship this time so he can not worm his way back into my life again. 15 times in one and half week he called,
  76. 76. 76 wrote, faxed and mailed letters. Came to the back door twice with notes and letters. So I called him to leave me alone. I said go away, leave me alone, begged, pleaded and got mad. He used his son to call me two times a day for a while so I called him back that is when Jim told me about two women in the truth that stopped by his house when he was crying he opened up and slandered me upon my friends. That is the promise he made in Maine, if I broke up with him or told the truth he would turn the truth against me. I no longer will be scared what Jim can do to me. I feel God's blessings and spirit in my life. I did believe in Jim's promises and love. I am currently emotionally drained, very hurt, fearful and depressed. I trust in God. Jim recently said, "Now it is my turn to play games, I have had you all the way, no one else will, and if I can not have you no one else will. I am going to a therapist and a support group for the abused. I know the world in general does not protect women or people in general. They is no justice, I wish not to report this to police. I feel in time the truth will take hold of his heart and his head. May God bless my efforts, it has been a long road. It is my turn to bless God with each effort from me. I feel his spirit and blessings. I have written this
  77. 77. 77 truth to you Elders, so you can be reassured it will not change or get into the wrong hands. I want this matter handled aright. MY BREAK UP LETTER TO JIM Dear Jim, Please note the returned engagement ring and your check. I am not for sale or up to be bribed. When a person confuses love with emotional abuse hundreds of times causing emotional, physical and spiritual sickness in another. I need to stay away from your sickness to get well. Do not return the ring to me again. I will let my no mean no! I will be going to a clinic for the abused for support and help. My scars are forever inside my soul from you. You can not see the damage and it scares me to think others only see the other side of you. In time being away from you I will have peace, love and happiness in my hurt soul. Yes, I will study with your son for as long as he wants to. Why should he suffer because of you. He says he wants to live with me if we separate. It is best that we just study once or twice a week on a regular schedule. Let him call me concerning our study. Do not call me personally. I cannot be friends or consider you a spiritual brother. The
  78. 78. 78 damage is long standing to my soul. You can drop your son off at the book study....... In the spring of 1994 after we broke up Jim caused $1453.47 worth of damage to my new car.. Here is a letter I sent to the police station; To whom it may concern, Please attempt to contact Jim , because he hung up on me, Eve Anderson. If nothing can be reached by Wednesday a.m. then I will have no other choice but to pursue criminal charges against him for case#-------. Cash settlement amounts to; $1453.47 for repair and 3 day rental. Sincere regards , EVE During 1995 in the spring and fall two hits were called on me. I had to teach Continued Education during fall semester and notified the campus police as I live most of 1995 in intense fear of dying or getting hurt. I was afraid me or my car would be damaged again.
  79. 79. 79 LIVING IN INTENSE FEAR CHAPTER 9 IN A COURT OF LAW.... Lets just imagine that all that happen to me went to court one day. Despite not knowing how to be a professional lawyer. I picture the ideal situation, me representing myself in a court of law instead of hiring a lawyer. I see myself establishing evidence the hard way by motives of the abuser. I have no marks, no beatings, I have been strong and wise enough not to have to go into a deep depression or turn to alcohol to numb the emotional pain. Who would know exactly what I have been though , I have no external evidence. I would have many questions to draw out the accused and establish truth. I can see him hiring the best attorney at hundreds of dollars per hour. If you work only 4-6 hours a day and average almost a thousand dollars a day, then money can hire the best attorney to say just the right things in court. Only I know how it is to live inside the mind of the abuser for years. For all practical purposes we will name the abuser JIM and myself Miss victim, his attorney as Mr. Smith and the Judge as your Honor or Judge . The purpose of going this day to court is to establish that Mr. Abuser, is dangerous to me and my child. Let us establish the setting....
  80. 80. 80 Mr. Abuser is in his early 30's, he is divorced and has full custody of one son six years of age. He has been dating me off and on for three years and he is self-employed most of his life. Let us establish a pattern in his life based on his past relationships both personal and professional. During the birth of his son he nursed, diapered, feed, nurtured his son and kept his wife away. She turned to drugs that's why he said to me he got custody. When I first met him, his son was 6 years old. Jim and his son were living with Jim's mother rent free. Borrowing money and never paying it back, he promised to finish a stone patio in the back yard. It still is a dug out hole for over three years. His mother still baby sits free of charge for a son that owes her 6000 thousands dollars. When I met him he had at my surprise 6-7 guns including a human assault weapon. I asked why he said he would protect his son from anyone wanting to take him away. I said to him I will not date anyone with guns so he got rid of them. He said a friend bought them , and he could have them back any time he needed them. A year and a half later he admitted to me he was using me by marrying me so he had a excellent chance of keeping his son. He admitted he knew a year ago that court action by his ex- wife for custody would accrue. I felt hurt and used. In three years, we broke up over a dozen times for as long as 1-9 months at a stretch.
  81. 81. 81 In three years I heard I love you a thousand times, and I want you back, I want to marry you hundreds of times. When a person says I am sorry is it because he has regret over his continuous bad he has done against me or to win me back. He knew I had a strong belief system and faith in him and he needed that from me. How can anyone have regret and repeat making the same mistake, hurtful action or continue to commit crimes. He tested my faith and loyalty of all people in his life. That takes me back to the beginning of this chapter. . Every relationship that Jim has established has fallen apart under his control. Including many friends, family members, therapists, clients, and employees have come and went. He used them for money, to establish his so called innocence and lick his wounds. He was never given more then two chances before they gave up on him, except me. Either he left them or they left him. His therapist could not see how he fooled her till other examining and more qualified therapist bought it to her attention during Jim's session. One of his friends is a cop he is using his professional license for his business and one time asked him to remove a sheet of a crime he committed from my files at the police station. One of his old
  82. 82. 82 school buddies and his cousin was used as hit men against me. Some of his relatives have people that were married to men recently out of prison. Jim had a knack of hiding things, cover up, defending, making good after each bad action. I believe a sense of what is good and bad begins in childhood, something went wrong in his upbringing. First his older sister was the parent, a child cannot raise a child, they are not emotionally ready or capable to instill goodness. I believe that is how it all got started. Jim would protect himself by doing bad then would blame others that they made him do it or he couldn't help himself. Then he would talk bad about others to get people on his side and make himself look good. He admitted to me he has problems after over 3 years of therapy. Because I was fooled by him, I would be confused. Thank God I can see things clearly now! Yes in the past he kept fooling me. Because I was gradually fooled my belief system was slowly destroyed. I got confused because his belief systems were not consistent. His purpose was to use or win people over to him, he could not just be himself and let that be enough. He was always thinking, scheming, planning, covering his actions he had to prove himself. That takes so much energy. I realize now he was not genuine or sincere in his action. Everything he says and does has a purpose to clear something up already done. He had an excuse for every crime he did. He blamed others for his actions. He said I am sorry and
  83. 83. 83 thought that was enough after doing it a hundred times. Blaming releases some of the guilt that would eat him up inside. I know he is smart, not in a pure way. I know he can get away with things, he has an influence over everyone. I am the only one I know that can see right through him now. I spent much time, energy and emotions into this relationship. Every I am sorry , I believed, every I want you back I have changed, I believed. I used up all my strong belief systems. Then toward the end he would always tell me I did not know what I was talking about, or that my thinking is incorrect, or that I live inside my head and stick to my thoughts. Maybe I am just protecting what thoughts, beliefs and feelings I have left. I have been able to figure out why Jim so far has been able to get away with abuse and crime. He uses the same approach that has fooled me over and over again. He maneuvers people and events ( a display of his control ) in his favor, he defends and covers his steps, he uses a lot of his energy covering his bad motives and actions with nice words and with the influence of money, that spells manipulation. It took years of knowing him and trusting him to see through that. He has shown financial abuse by using money to get what he wants, whether its people, love or processions. He cannot just be good, kind, he cannot just be himself, he feels unworthy so why not do evil and
  84. 84. 84 be the hero. He lives a self-fulfilling prophecy. How do you prove evil in a court of law where criminals and they rights are more protected then the victim. Where a slap on the wrist results in repeated offenders. Where people who commit crimes find excuses to do so. The victim made me that! We lost justice somewhere along the way. We will never change the system over night. Should that stop us after becoming the victim. It takes more strength then is left over from the abuse to stand up for yourself. Sometimes by yourself because friends have left you because you stayed with this man. Am I the only one that can understand why I did. Is it a sin or crime on my part to have a belief system so strong that every time I heard good things, I believed in them. Every "I am sorry", sounded sincere. I feel I need to constantly watch my back, defend myself and wonder if justice to any degree even exists. I feel alone, abandon, unappreciated. I deserve a healthy love from a emotionally healthy person. Emotional abuse will not exist in my life. One definition of emotional abuse is with holding love and security. If someone says I will do this and that, and does not that is control and manipulation. It is an insecure man who seeks security within his own control of others. CHAPTER 10
  85. 85. 85 Resource and workbook How can you tell if a man may be dangerous. They are no clear cut signs . But general guidelines in recognizing hidden problem. SIGNS OF DANGER 1) He mostly cannot see, feel or have fellow feeling for you. Your feelings do not come first or even exist. Results; he does not take responsibility for his actions. He always feels like the victim and your the enemy. He reacts on his negative closed feelings without considering what his actions will do to others or even himself. Makes all his judgment cloudy and dangerous. 2) Does he need to be in control? Because he is insecure and feel she lacks power. He is fixed on his addiction to you and won't let anybody take you away. Results; in him not respecting your right to be fully human and your boundaries. Demanding, mean and unreasonable. By giving in to his control we feed it , and by fighting it we may endanger our lives and those that depend on us, our
  86. 86. 86 children. Examples of control ; 1) I want you back home by ----! 2) Where have you been, and where is my supper? 3) I want you to stay home . I am taking the car and keys! He also controls your actions, reactions and events by him playing victim, working on your sympathy and guilt. Shaming you, or he may feel sorry for himself. Remember life revolves around his feelings. He can only have a narrow warped perception. 3) Uses money to control Financial abuse and money is used to get you, keep you, motivate you and punish you. Results ; this is one main reason women do not leave they bad situations. Why do men use money? This again is one thing that gives a powerless man power and control. A powerless man feels out of control. Since women have become more powerful , strong and free in society, some men have
  87. 87. 87 not adjusted in a good way. 4) In the beginning he spoils you with gifts and attention. Proving to you and himself his desirability. After marriage or years he will then start to neglect you emotionally and without the proper love, affection & communication. Some even cheat while demanding that the woman stays home, providing for his needs, catering to his ego and self esteem. Justifying, defending and creating abusive situations whether the woman speaks up or not. He is in denial about his guilt and acts out like a child. 5) Speaks bad about you to others, either behind your back or in front of you. Humiliation and proving to himself he is better then you. That you are unworthy soul. Anyone settling for him, how could he respect that person. He sees you as his doormat. Slander is when bad talk has spoiled your reputation, career etc. It is considered a crime. 6) Manipulation -
  88. 88. 88 If he is smart in a bad way, with a bad heart, wrong motives, then he will plan, scheme, plot a way to get what he wants. The people in his life are actors and he the abuser is the director and producer. He may create a bad situation so he can become the hero or caretaker coming to the rescue even if it meant endangering someone's life in the process. This is sick, but he does not see it that way. It feeds his weak view of himself. It gives him power. Bad hearts are the hardest to change through therapy. We all desire a man with a good head and heart. The heart is the seat of motivation and the brain the seat of reasoning. No criminal can have the two together. That is why they are cunning, saying the right things and never proving good with actions. 7) Most of these men have chemical imbalances of the brain. They may have addictions to foods like chocolate, sugar, alcohol and drugs etc. Most have more then one addiction. We already know the abuser is addicted to you. Does he have self-control? Can he give up any addictions for a long time or forever? Does he get worst or better while under the influence of his addiction? DOES ADHD/ADD LEAD TO CRIME?

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