Husband and Wife JokesHilarious Husband and Wife JokesLady 1: Last week you had advertised in the newspaper for a husband. Anyluck with it?Lady 2: I got two hundred people who said, "You can have mine".Lady 1: I think my husband is cheating on me.Lady 2: How did you conclude that?Lady 1: My last two children dont resemble him at all.Husband: Enough is enough. We already have four kids and I will gobankrupt and broke if I have to support a fifth one. I will put a revolver tomy head if that happens.Wife: But dear, you will be killing an innocent man.They sat by the candlelight having dinner in the luxury restaurant.He said: "Wine does a lot of things. It makes you look beautiful, charmingand attractive".She said: "but dear, I havent been drinking"He said: "I know, but I have been".Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told him, "Dear,there seems to be a burglar in the house. Wake up."But her husband refused to go out and investigate.Wife: "Why are you scared? I thought you were brave when you marriedme"Husband: "Well yes, thats what my friends said too."Husband and Wife JokesOut in the park one Sunday afternoon, an elderly couple heard the brassband playing a catchy tune and wondered what it might be called. The mannoticed a sign close to the bandstand and said " It looks as though they listthe tune titles there- Ill go and look". He returned and his wife asked what itwas. " One I dont know - its called refrain from dropping litter".Do you know I cleaned the loft with my wife last weekend. I still cant get
the dust out of her hair.An elderly man pondered whether his wifes hearing was deteriorating. Onenight he crept up behind the sofa where she was seated and said " Darling,can you hear anything?". No response. So he moved a bit closer and askedher again. Still no response. He then moved right up to her ear and askedagain. She shouted "For the third damn time Albert, yes I can hear you".My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night sheturned tome and said "George, do you know that you are stopping some small villagehaving an idiot".After 40 years of marriage, I took my wife to a hotel room where they had awaterbed - or as she called it the following morning "the Dead Sea".My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After abouttenminutes, she turned to me and uttered " But darling, if I were to agree withwhatyou say, then we would both be in the wrong".A man and his wife were on the Titanic as it was sinking and just the onelifejacket remained. " I love you so much Doris that I will think of you often" -ashe put on the jacket and jumped into the sea.Hilarious Husband and Wife JokesRemember, if a man steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have isto let himkeep her.Question: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife are liketwo sides of a coin.Answer: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, theyremain together.
My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She hadparagraphs.Bill and Alice were celebrating 60 years of marriage. When Bill was asked bya friend for the secret of their long marriage he replied " We have alwaystaken the time to go to a lovely restaurant twice a week. Good food, a littlecandlelight, fine wine, soft music and some dancing. " "Thats wonderful" saidthe friend.Bill retorted "Yes, I go Wednesdays and she goes Fridays"My Grandparents were celebrating 55 years of marriage and so I asked myGrandpawhat the secret was. He replied "Two things son. Number one is wheneveryou are in the wrong, admit it and second, Whenever you are right, saynothing".Question: What is the best way to ensure that you remember your wifesbirthday?Answer: Forget it once.Bill and Ted were chatting in the pub. Bill said " Ted, have you any idea whatI did before I married Eileen?" No, what ". " Whatever I wanted, whenever Iwanted" sighed Bill.Two old guys chatting in the park. "Do you know the wife and me werehappy for forty years" said the first man. "What happened?" asked thesecond man. "We met" sighed the first.Short Husband Wife JokesBert and Madge have been married for 60 years and still hold handswheneverthey go out. When Bert was asked about this, his reply was simple." When I let go, shes off shopping".My wife said that she would like to go somewhere where she had not beenfor along time for her birthday "What about the kitchen" I cried.
A husband and wife are having an argument. " I do not hate your relatives; Itellyou I prefer your in-laws to mine" he said."My wife went on holiday to the Caribbean for the first time last year" I toldmyfriend. "Jamaica" he quizzed. "No, it was her idea" I replied.A Policeman asked if my wife could describe the burglar."He was medium build with a beard and a slight limp" she replied."Was it male or female" asked the PolicemanShe replied " I would hazard a guess at male unless the Circus has hittown".My wife asked me the other day "How can I can rid of twelve pounds ofreally ugly fat?" "Chop your head off" I replied. The divorce hearing is nextweek.Husband Wife Marriage JokesI was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. Aswetravelled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on the back seat."Whatdo you have in that bag" asked the man. "Its a fine bottle of wine for mywife".He replied "Excellent swap".My wife told me the other day that she had a new job working in a bowlingclub."Tenpin" I asked her "No, its full-time" came her reply.I went to the supermarket with my wife last week and bought some cheesefromthe deli. She said to me "Ooh, I see youve bought some of thatArmageddoncheese". Puzzled I said to her "Why do you think Ive bought Armageddon
cheese"?"Because it says Best Before End on the side of the packet of course"Husband and Wife JokesMy wife came home last week and shouted excitedly. "Quick, pack yourbags;Ive won £20 million on the National Lottery". "Where are we going" Iasked.She replied "whats this we – just pack your bags and get out you uselessman".A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years. "Alice" he gasps "mydying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry Bert from nextdoor"."But you said that you have always hated Bert" said Alice."O I do dear, I do".My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking so therewas thesmell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some lipstick on myshirtcollar. "I hope that you have an extremely good reason for rolling in atseven inthe morning" she bellowed. "Of course I do "I replied "I want somebreakfast".