Confused by the title of this chapter? I’m sorry. You see, I seemto have locked myself into using the first line of Gilbert &Sullivan songs as chapter titles. This song is particularlyapropos, containing as it does the lines “For duty, duty must bedone;/The rule applies to everyone,/And painful though thatduty be,/To shirk the task were fiddle-dee-dee!” But that’s thechorus, and I’m using first lines.You understand?Now let’s go to the (un)Officially Wacky House, where Adamand Myrna have been taking their duties as the new heads ofhousehold very seriously.
Admittedly, some of the duties aren’t all that painful, or evenunpleasant, even if they take more than one try.
Adam has been stargazing a minimum of fourteen times a nightevery night, using the really nice telescope. I’m really justplaying the odds here: if there’s a one-in-two-hundred chanceof alien abduction, then if Adam stargazes three hundred timesover the course of his fertile period, he can’t help but beabducted, right?Right?
Of course, reproduction isn’t the only duty of the heir.RUTH: Here, Adam. It’s the deed to The Tacky Flamingo.OLD ADAM: The dee – (wonderingly) Mama, are you passingthe family business along to me?RUTH: Of course I am.OLD ADAM: O! Mama, do you truly think I am fit to replaceyou?RUTH: If I didn’t, would I be signing over the deed? And betteryou than me dealing with Mrs. Crumplebottom anyhow.
Somehow, I think Mrs. Crumplebottom will have moreproblems with the new owner than she had with the old one.Adam is just following Victorian tradition here: Victorian menonly wore bathing suits in mixed company. If everyoneswimming was male, they swam in the altogether.
When not skinny-dipping, Adam spent time being taught aboutMotivation and Perception Rewards by Ruth. It’s absolutelyridiculous how long it takes to pass along even one Reward!Incidentally, have you noticed that Adam has both sideburnsand a mustache? That’s not a standard EAxis facial hair option– yours truly created it her own self. You may applaud now.
Another reporter came by to review the Tacky Flamingo. Thisone was fully dressed, but didn’t stay long anyway. After I sentAdam over to be specially nice to her and everything! I wonderif I’ve got glitchy reporters.
Being a new business owner is taking its toll on Adam, though.BUTTERCUP: Hey, bro, I thought I was supposed to be theone with the bladder issues.OLD ADAM: Do please be quiet!Did I not mention earlier that Buttercup was pregnant?Whoops.
Buttercup is pregnant, and due any old time now.
RUTH: (wails)RYAN: What’s wrong?RUTH: My aspiration’s in the red! I’m not getting anything Iwant! I’m so miserable!RYAN: Well, what do you want?RUTH: Get a Kitten or Puppy, Get a Kitten, Get a Grandchild,and Relative gets Engaged.*RYAN: You’ve got two women working on that grandchild foryou.RUTH: But they’re not doing it fast enough! Why can’t theyhave their babies faster?*Both Ruth and Ryan lost the two extra Uni Want slots in the rebuild.
RYAN: Babies take as long as they take, honey. There’s norushing that, and trust me, you don’t want to. Preemies have tostay in the hospital for weeks, and you can’t cuddle themproperly or anything. Tell you what: let’s you and me go on adate to reroll some of those wants, yeah?
And pretty soon the aspiration points were flying again.(happily) I knew there was a reason I married Ryan in.
Of course, the best reason to marry Ryan in was because Ruthloves him. But he’s proven himself quite useful. Not only didhe paint all the family portraits, but he also painted the lovelyMikado poster in the living room parlor and this fine Pirates ofPenzance poster. He’ll paint a Patience poster, too, just as soonas I get around to creating one for him.
He’ll even paint another family portrait once Myrna stops beingthe size of a house.I think that her size is due to her weight. I don’t think it’s twins.Definitely not twins.If you say it often enough, that makes it true, right?
In fact, there’s only one thing that Ryan can’t do.RYAN: What are you talking about? You don’t need to move.OAKAPPLE: Yes, I… do. You need… the room. And… Idon’t fit… anymore.RYAN: Of course you fit! We only have five people – there’splenty of room for the baby and you both.OAKAPPLE: Not that kind… of fitting. I’m… not the same…person I was.RYAN: Well, no. You need more aftershave now. But –OAKAPPLE: It’s not just… the smell. I don’t… like thesame… things. I don’t… want the same… things. And Adamwill… keep trying to… make it right. …We all saw… how wellthat… worked last time.RYAN: But where will you go?
OAKAPPLE (V.O.): Oh, I’ll figure… something out.Oakapple has a lot to adjust to in his new environment. Forstarters, he’s undead.
Then there are the personality modifications that come withbeing undead. The loss of skill points, for example – that’s abiggie.I don’t suppose it’s any surprise that Oakapple has taken upgardening. He never was any good at it, and it won’t requirefine motor control for quite some time.
Also, like all my zombies, Oakapple has become GrilledCheese.OLIVER: Mmmm, great sandwich, Oakapple. You know whatwould go really well with it?OAKAPPLE: What?OLIVER: Some tomato soup.OAKAPPLE: Have you… gone mad?!Hey, it’s an obsession with something edible. Cut me someslack!
And there’s the loss or reversal of many personality traits.From 10 to 0 Neat.From 10 to 4 Outgoing.From 9 to 2 Active.From 2 to 1 Playful.From 1 to 0 Nice.OLIVER: Where are you sleeping tonight? Bed or couch?From straight to questioning.
Oh, and there’s one other issue to deal with.CELESTE KALSON (brightly): Hi!OAKAPPLE (mystified): Hi. Can I… help you?CELESTE: Well of course you can! I’m your fiancée!…Which seems like a good stopping point.
Notes, disclaimers, and other triviaAdam’s particular brand of Wacky is Victorian. The Victorians firmlybelieved that if one was good, six was better. And add some lace to that.And we can fit an allegorical figure just over there. Oh, and –Edgar Allan Poe, an early American Victorian, describing an ideal room,called for: two sofas, two chairs, enough paintings that “three or fourfemale heads” would be a minority, a piano, a marble table, acandelabrum, two lamps, enough shelving (edged in silk and tassels) tohold “two or three hundred books,” a mirror, silver wallpaper, thickcarpet, silk drapes with tassels, curtains beneath the drapes, and coloredwindow glass.* Late British Victorians were even worse.There was so much about Oakapple to help set up a brief Plot for nexttime. Until then: Happy Simming!*Edgar Allan Poe, "The Philosophy of Furniture," Burtons Gentlemans Magazine (May1840): 243-245. Available from http://www.eapoe.org/works/essays/philfurn.htm;accessed 5 June 2011.