Love, hate and other emotions

1. Love, Hate and Other Emotions Existential Relationship Therapy in Practice Emmy van Deurzen Therapy Challenges Stratford July 2014

2. Facebook and LinkedIn: Existential Therapy www.societyofpsychotherapy.org.uk www.existentialpsychotherapy.net www.emmyvandeurzen.com www.dilemmas.org www.nspc.org.uk

3. Emmy van Deurzen PhD, MPhil, MPsych, CPsychol, FBPsS, UKCPF, FBACP, ECP, HPC reg •Visiting Professor Middlesex University -UK •Director Dilemma Consultancy •Director Existential Academy •Principal New School of Psychotherapy and Counselling - London

4. 13 Books

5. Existential Perspectives on Relationship Therapy: 2013 • Edited with Susan Iacovou

6. Living with love and its shadows • What is love? • Why does it matter? • How do we make love happen? • What are its drawbacks and shadows? • How to live with love?

7. What is Love? • To be intent on knowing, respecting and valuing an other for what they actually are and can be • Letting them be and live as fully and freely as possible, keeping their welfare at heart, as our own, in a dedicated, attentive and uncompromising way . I-Thou. Cherishing. Challenging.

8. Love is not just a feeling • It is an action, an attitude, an intention, a movement, a way of being • Love is the movement towards the other in the spirit of care, affection, commitment, loyalty, generosity, kindness, intimacy, tenderness, attachment, trust and truth.

9. Love is a particular kind of intentionality • The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings. (Buber) • Scheler: humanitarian feelings are always accompanied by a hatred of the world. Humanity is loved in general in order to avoid having to love anybody in particular. • Albert Camus, The Rebel, A. Bower, trans. (1956), p. 18 • There is not enough love in the world to squander it on anything but human beings.

10. Shadows and drawbacks • True love requires mutuality • We cannot truly love unless we love ourselves first • Risks inherent in loving: it is a very absorbing activity which takes much energy • Our good will and availability are taken advantage of • Our hearts may be broken • We will neglect others we do not love

11. People are confused about love • Re-establish communication • Mutual respect-support • Friendship and love • Understanding • Alterity • Collaboration • Mutuality

12. Role of Existential Couple Therapist: work in synergy Therapist Partner A Partner B

13. Balancing pros and cons after structural analysis Pros Cons

14. The quieter you become the more you are able to hear Rumi • Re-establish peace, calm and willingness to listen

15. Existential Couple Work: aims • Focus on shared meaning and human and life issues • Values of couple and how they provoke tension and conflict • See conflict and daily conflict resolution as a basis of relationship • Dialogue, understanding and respect as the objective: creating a good space in the world • Mutuality and reciprocity as a way of overcoming isolation

16. Idealized images of romantic love

17. Christian Love

18. Love as an altar of self-sacrifice

19. Jaspers’ Loving Struggle

20. Existential couple work • Teach dialogue and listening • Allow each partner access to what the other partner feels, dreads and hopes for in private • Create a safe space where partners are able to speak freely and with the confidence of being respected, listened to and understood. • Provide translation when they do not hear each other.

21. Love’s executioner or Love’s ally?

22. To understand love is to understand life in all its paradoxes • Conflict, opposition and change are core forces • You can let it destroy you or let it teach you • Relationships are about tension: fission or fusion • Conflicts are not just with others but with ourselves • Conflict does not have to lead to combat

23. The cycle of change • Change happens naturally • It is inevitable for renewal • We try to prevent it to create stability and certainty • This is against nature: dams up the flow of life • Leads to fermentation and festering • Rediscover change as a natural cycle

24. Evolution and development: larva, caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly

25. Relationships and people change • Loss and transition are about breakdown of the old: • Instead of breaking down, push through the block to the next level: breakthrough • In the process we become stronger • Relationships are tested: rupture or consolidate

26. Couples try to change each other by: 1. Secretly wishing for change 2. Getting angry and protesting 3. Getting upset, even suicidal 4. Demanding or imposing change by bullying or seducing 5. Setting ultimata 6. Reasoning and trying to persuade 7. Arguing a personal case 8. Withdrawing and enduring 9. Getting support from others 10. Giving up

27. Female evolution has shifted power balance

28. Disappointment about change

29. Negativity in depicting men

30. Not patriarchy or matriarchy: equality and mutuality

31. Fairness and equality, not oppression and exploitation

32. Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir: a different view of relationship a dangerous liaison, Seymour-Jones

33. "to maintain throughout all deviations from the main path a 'certain fidelity’, de Beauvoir. Necessary and contingent loves

34. Sartre’s lack. • The existence of desire as a human fact is sufficient to prove that human reality is a lack. (Sartre, Being and Nothingness:87) • We are nothing trying to be something.

35. The Look: Sartre’s Other • The Other looks at me and as such he holds the secret of my being, he knows what I am. Thus the profound meaning of my being is outside of me, imprisoned in an absence. The Other has the advantage over me. • (Sartre, Being and Nothingness:363)

36. Sartre’s possession • Thus the lover does not desire to possess the beloved as one possesses a thing; he demands a special type of appropriation. He wants to possess a freedom as a

37. Competitive relationships • Domination: sadism. • Submission: masochism. • Withdrawal: indifference.

38. Cooperative relationships • Mutuality: reciprocity-equality • Generosity: giving of oneself • Collaboration: working together (sparring partners)

39. Relationship is essential to freedom • “A man alone in the world would be paralyzed by...the vanity of all of his goals. But man is not alone in the world” (Pyrrhus and Cinéas, 42), • The other, as free, is immune to my power • Common commitment to a shared goal • I can only be truly free to pursue my cause if I can persuade others to join it.

40. Simone de Beauvoir the second sex, the woman in love identifies • The supreme goal of human love, as of mystical love, is identification with the loved one. The measure of values, the truth of the world are in his consciousness: hence it is not enough to serve him. The woman in love tries to see with his eyes.

41. Couples may have different views of love and life

42. What does it mean to live as a couple?

43. Space in the relationship Physical space Social space Personal space Spiritual space

44. Four dimensions and couples • Physical: how do we divide physical space? How do our bodies relate to each other? Sex? Cuddles? Comfort? Possessions? Nature? Cosmos? • Social: how do we relate to other people together? How are we situated in public life? Cultural pursuits? Friends? Family? • Personal: how do we define ourselves in relation to each other? Do our private worlds connect? Intimacy? Loyalty? • Spiritual: what are the values we adhere to as a couple? Personal beliefs? Religion? What ideas are important? Can we challenge each other?

45. Rules for good relationships • Respect each other’s authority & responsibility • Make as many demands as contributions • Give as much appreciation as criticism • Agree on how time and money are spent • Be fair to self and other • Agree on values and objectives for future • Let conflict and controversy be your guide • Teach and learn from each other • Be loyal and make relating a priority • Have good physical connection • Communicate regularly • Be yourself as well as together • Have a joint narrative and ideal

46. Your struggles develop your strengths Mohandas Gandhi

47. Your future is as bright as your willingness to engage and learn

48. Loving your Life • Loving your fate and destiny in all its manifestations • (Nietzsche’s Amor Fati)

49. How to create value in life? • Through committed and engaged action • Step by step • Diligently proceeding no matter what challenges come on your path • Steady progress comes from undaunted focus on your project • Flexibility and finding joy in the process rather than aiming for success or happiness

50. Existential therapy is about a different way of life A psychology for life, not just for pathology or happiness Existential couple therapy: how to live together to make life worthwhile

51. What is Love?

52. Childhood • Yum • Yuck • We like what feels of value, pretty, pleasant, interesting and good • We dislike what feels wrong, dangerous, unpleasant and bad

53. Different types of love and their shadows • Narcissism (self love) : solipsism • Need love (child/physical need) : addiction • Infatuation (obsessive): blindness • Erotic love (Eros/sensual love): objectification • Romantic love/emotional love: possessiveness • Companionship/community (Philia): betrayal • Neighbourly/hospitality (Xenia): hubris • Maternal/parental love (Storge): smothering • Divine/Mystical/Unconditional love (Agape) :sacrifice

54. Helen Fisher’s stages • Lust : mating (1.5-3 years) pheromones/amphetamines: pleasure centre. • Attraction: specific focus of mate • Attachment: bonding: oxytocin/vasopressin

55. Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory • Intimacy: bonding • Commitment: permanence • Passion: sexual attraction and romance • Rubin: • Attachment, • Caring • Intimacy.

56. Sternberg’s overview

57. Existential Love • Love is an action (Fromm) • Not just a feeling • We need to work at it • It demands commitment, dedication, devotion, caring, loyalty, understanding, freedom • Seeing and knowing the other and letting be • I/Thou rather than I/It

58. Onto-dynamics Learning to live in line with the laws of life Paradox, conflict, difficulty and dilemmas are our daily companions When crisis comes we need to have the courage to descend to rock bottom From there we can build something better

59. The art of living is to be equal to all our emotions and experiences rather than to select and cultivate only the safe or pleasant ones There are many opposites of love: Indifference, hate, suffocation, and most of all: fear

60. Four kinds of ways of being conscious • Loss of value • Aspire to value • Threat to value • Gain value approach fight flightfreeze

61. pride jealousy anger- despair fear sorrowshame envy hope- desire love joy Sadness Low Happiness High Anxiety Excitement Engagement Depression Disappointment Disengagement Compass of emotions evd 10

62. Overview of conflicts, challenges and paradoxes on four dimensions World Umwelt : where? Mitwelt : how? Eigenwelt: who? Uberwelt: why? Physical: survival Nature: Life/ Death Things: Pleasure/ Pain Body: Health/ Illness Cosmos: Harmony/ Chaos Social: affiliation Society: Love/ Hate Others: Dominance/Sub mission Ego: Acceptance/ Rejection Culture: Belonging/ Isolation Personal: identity Person: Identity/Freedom Me: Perfection/ Imperfection Self: Integrity/ Disintegration Consciousness: Confidence/ Confusion Spiritual: meaning Infinite: Good/ Evil Ideas: Truth/ Untruth Spirit: Meaning/ Futility Conscience: Right/ Wrong

63. Paradoxes of human existence Deurzen and Adams challenge gain loss Physical Death and pain Life to the full Unlived life or constant fear Social Loneliness and rejection Understand and be understood Bullying or being bullied Personal Weakness and failure Strength and stamina Narcissism or self destruction Spiritual Meaning- Lessness and futility Finding an ethics to live by Fanaticism or apathy

64. We are never but an aspect, an element, a part of a wider context. Relationship is essential to our very survival and inspires everything we do. (Deurzen, 1997: 95)

65. Kierkegaard • Most people are subjective toward themselves and objective toward all others, frightfully objective sometimes – but the task is precisely to be objective toward oneself and subjective toward all others. • (Kierkegaard, 1998: 72)

66. Don’t cling, don’t be casual

67. www.icecap.org.uk www.dilemmas.org www.nspc.org.uk www.existentialacademy.com www.emmyvandeurzen.com www.existentialpsychotherapy.net www.societyofpsychotherapy.org.uk Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter: Existential Therapy