Are Polyamory and Cheating All
that Different?
Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.
Southern California Polyamory Gathering
September 22, 2012

Polygamy Demographics
 85% of world cultures practice it
 84.5% practice polygyny
 .5% practice polyandry
 33% of the world population
 10-20% of males in polygnous communities have
multiple wives
 Older males with wealth/prestige
 Lost Boys…

Sexual Dimorphism as an
Indicator of Polygyny
Differences in size between male and female were more
pronounced amongst the Australopithecine than modern day
humans.

Testicle Size as an Indicator
of Non-monogamy
With their relatively Humans also have
large testicles male relatively large
chimpanzees are well- testicles…
equipped for intrauterine
sperm wars

Y-Chromosome Distribution
• Lessdiversity
than X-
chromosomes
• Reveals
widespread
long-lasting
polygyny
among human
populations

Sperm Competition
 An indicator of polyandrous mating patterns
Biologists Robin Baker and Mark
Bellis observed that females that
engaged in extra-pair copulations
retained more of their lover’s
ejaculate (70%) following orgasm
than their spouse/home partner’s
(40%). Thus sperm competition
could easily foster high levels of
genetic diversity.

Sperm Competition
 Three unique kinds of sperm (blocker, fighter and
egg penetrator) were distributed differently
depending on the context of lovemaking.
Sperm from different Only Egg Penetrator Sperm
males might compete could cause a pregnancy

Brain Chemistry of Romantic Love
Attraction phase Attachment phase
Lust

Reproductive Strategies
 Male (re: MPI)
 Cad (low investment)
 Lad/Pair Bonded Mate (high investment)
 Female (discerning Mate Value)
 Monogamous Mate
 Sexy Son Hypothesis
 Partible Paternity
 Extended Family/Tribe/Village/Community

Sexy Son Hypothesis
Females seek
testosteronated
hunks near
ovulation while
long term
David Buss, bonding is
Evolutionary Psychologist
sought with
fatherly
resource
providers.

Humans are by Nature
Hypersexual and Promiscuous
S.E. Ex – Socio
Erotic Exchange
Primeval societies
engaged in communal
parenting, group sex
and were oblivious to
paternity
Christopher Ryan
Research Psychologist

Polygyny in East Africa
Young Luo Polygynous Family

Luo Private Entrance
Compound
1st Wife
3rd Wife 2nd Wife
Husband
4th Wife
Grandmother &
Young Children
Unmarried Sons
Main Entrance

Luo Compound -- Main Entrance

Luo Compound--Private Entrance

Maasai Polygynous Triad

Maasai Compound

Polygyny in
Papua New
Guinea
Huli Polygynist

Huli Men’s House

Huli Co-Wives House

Huli Men

Enga Women with their Pigs

Sweet Potato Garden

Definitions of Polyamory
 Responsible/ethical/honest non-
monogamy
 A deep, emotional, sometimes physical
relationship with more than one partner
simultaneously
 Relationship with multiple people in which
everyone knows about each other and is
okay about it.
 Having multiple concurrent romantic
relationships with the full informed,
uncoerced consent of all parties.

Definitions of Polyamory
 Believing that we can love more than one
person at the same time, with or without
sexual engagement.
 An exploration into conscious relating that
doesn't subscribe to the conventional
paradigm of lifelong marriage. Rather than
revolving around the couple, it revolves
around the individual as a whole and evolving
person. Based on non-possessive love.

Demographics of Polyamory
in America
 Between 2% and 3.5% of Americans identify
as polyamorous (Anapol, 2010)
 94.3% Caucasian (Wolfe, 2003)
 Well-Educated
 99% have attended college
 40% have graduate degrees
 June 2012 Open SF Conference
 500 attendees
 Queer, Peoples of Color…

How Common is Cheating?
 Infidelity occurs in less than 25% of committed
relationships
– National Opinion Research Center 2003 Study
 30-60% of Americans will engage in infidelity at
some point in their marriages – Buss and
Shackelford, 1997
 Infidelity is more common for people under 30
 The Internet has made it easier for cheating
minded people to find each other…

Activities Those Who Have Been Cheated On Consider Cheating
Naked Cuddling 79%
87%
Using Sex Toys 68%
74%
Phone Sex 50%
74%
Light Kissing 54%
73%
Happy Ending to Massage 62%
70%
41% Males
Emotional Intimacy 65%
Females
Cyber Sex 44%
65%
Clothed Cuddling 48%
64%
Dirty Dancing 28%
42%
Tantric Breathing 26%
41%
Dinner in a Restaurant 30%
41%
0% 20% 40% 60% 80% 100%

Erotic Activities Those Who Have Been Cheated On Consider Cheating
Sexual Intercourse 95%
96%
89%
Giving Oral Sex
93%
88%
Receiving Oral Sex
93%
92% Male
Anal Intercourse
91% Female
G-spot Massage 85%
91%
83%
Prostate Massage
87%
73%
Deep Kissing
89%
79%
BDSM
87%

Polyamorous Configurations
 Open Couple
 Independent Single
 Primary and Secondary Partners
 Multiple Primary Partners
 Triad -- V or
 Quad
 Intimate Network

Poly Speak:
The Language of Polyamory
 Compersion
 loving empathy for one’s partner being
loved/engaged by others
 New Relationship Energy (NRE)
 Elevated levels of dopamine and norepenephrine
 Other Significant Other (OSO)
 Primary, Secondary, Tertiary
 maintain social family hierarchy
 Polyfidelity
 sexually faithful to one’s family

Poly Cultural Conventions
 Embrace Poly Culture
 Jealousy Management
 Compersion
 NRE Management
 Disclosure
 Transparency
 Consensuality

Polyamorous Cultural Practices
 New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to
displace/replace long term ones
 Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of
“the one.”
 NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a
reason to disrupt one’s home life.
 Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters

Overview
 1,715 Cheaters (reporting having one or more
secret lovers)
 174 Polyamorists (describing full-disclosure
polyamory as their current relationship
agreement)
 Surveyed between August 10, 2010 and May 8,
2011
 In partnership with Avid Media (Ashley Madison)
 Other Options respondents might have selected
included:

Demographics
 Average 17 lifetime sexual partners
 51.3% Male - 48.4% Female - .3% Transgender
 59.1% between 40 – 59 years old
 81% Caucasian
 7.1% Hispanic
 4.1% African American
 2.8% Asian
 2.8% Mixed

Relationship Status

Sexual Orientation

Sexual Activities

Frequency of Sex with
Home Partner/Spouse

Happiness in
Current Relationship

Contributions to
Relationship Happiness

Measure of a
Successful Relationship

Other Couples More Oral Sex?

If Partner Refuses Oral Sex…

Reasons to Go Outside
for Oral Sex

If Partner Refuses Anal Play…

Conclusions
 Poly People are less likely to be married than
people who cheat (44% vs. 77%)
 Poly People are more likely to be bisexual (29%
vs. 9%) and less likely to be heterosexual (59%
vs. 90%) than people who cheat.
 Poly people are more likely to engage in
alternative sexual practices than cheaters
including mutual masturbation (85% vs. 62%),
anal play (61% vs. 45%) and BDSM (42% vs.
14%)

Conclusions
 Poly people have much more frequent sex with
their home partners than people who cheat
(mode-every other day or twice weekly vs.
weekly-monthly-rarely)
 Poly people are twice as happy in their home
relationships (75% vs. 36%)
 Poly people place more value on love, trust and
spirituality than people who cheat.
 People who cheat place more value on financial
security, parenting and their spouse’s appearance
than poly people.

Conclusions
 Poly people are twice as likely to believe that they
have more oral sex than other couples do (47% vs.
24%)
 People who cheat are twice as likely to believe that
they have less oral sex than other couples do (32%
vs. 17%)
 If a partner refuses oral sex, 55% of poly people and
15% of cheaters would seek an open (poly) lover.
48% of cheaters and 8% of poly people would seek a
sexual affair. Just 4% of both cohorts would purchase
the services of a sex worker/prostitute.
 If a partner refused anal play, poly people were again
more inclined to seek an open lover (32% vs. 6%)
while cheaters were more likely to pursue a sexual

Comments from Poly People
 I'm involved in mutable affairs with younger men
because I have a high sex drive for a 62 yr old
woman. Often men are married to women they love
and have children with but are unfulfilled in the
bedroom. They are attracted to me because I'm a
good confidant and sexually liberated. They stay
married, I stay single. We each get our sexual needs
met. Its a win/win. Its too bad getting your sexual
needs met outside of marriage is considered
"cheating" rather than what it is.........getting needs
met and enhancing ones sex life. Female, 62
 Poly has been wonderful. How can you be all things
to your mate? I love to open up the possibilities to
women when they are in control of letting go...and
do...and I can take them on an adventure of loving
more and opening up their mind and body to intimacy
- taking them on this adventure of joy and pleasure,
that is outside their previous realm of reality. Male, 64

Comments from Poly People
 Love the connections I have made via Ashley
Madison....have actually met several women and
engaged in intimate acts with one in addition to the
one I am seeing now. Soooo re-assuring and exciting
to know that other women out there who are "normal"
want an intimate connection with other women and
still love and want intimacy with their husbands.
Feared I was unreasonable and that what I wanted
was not possible. Female, 37

Comments from Cheaters
 Life is short have an affair Male, 48
 I think sex is a very important part of a happy
marriage/relationship. We have been married for 7 years
and my husband seems to have lost all interest. This is the
first time I've had an affair and it has been very difficult
because of the guilt. I really love my husband and I wish
that he would put forth the effort to help our sex life.
Female, 27
 Women need to be taught about the male sex drive in sex
ed. Every girlfriend that I ever had was shocked when I
explained how we get hard all on our own without being
aroused and that we wake up with wood and have to "deal
with it.“ It never ends for us, and they think we're all sex-
crazed dogs but it never occurs to them that we don't want
to be this way either! We pledge to care for each other in
marriage, effectively entrusting our erections to our wives
and because they don't understand our situation, they
hang us out to dry. First you make us swear never to fuck
anyone else and then we can't even fuck you. Male, 28

Comments from Cheaters
 I feel there are many men and women out there around my
age where one partner or the other is no longer engaging
in sexual affection with their spouse. Society says "get a
divorce." That sounds really good, if you don't mind the
devastating impact to your finances and the children and
grandchildren taking sides. It is a tough situation and I am
sure I am not alone. I don't want to drop a bomb into the
middle of my life, destroying finances, etc. But I
desperately need the loving connection that comes from
having a loving, sexually active friendship with a special
woman in my life. Male, 55
 I went on to Ashley Madison because I was getting no sex
from husband. I found a great lover and friend. We enjoy
each other so much and give each other what we both
need. Both our spouses are prudish when it comes to sex.
We are together a year now, yet we are both still married.
It is sad when you meet someone who is so perfect for you
knowing you can’t be with them like you desire. For now
we just enjoy what we have and try to be careful. Female,

Comments from Cheaters
 Thanks to Ashley Madison I have a large pool of like-minded,
married, adultery neophytes to choose from. It's easy for me to weed
out the more experienced or "gamer” types and concentrate on
finding men who have never or seldom had an adulterous
relationship: that's my target population. Ashley Madison's existence
means I have a very happy, healthy sex life with partners who adore
me well into my middle age; a miracle in today's youth oriented
society. My partners are often 20 years younger than me and are
none the wiser as to my chronological age. This only enhances my
enjoyment in life at an age most women have decided not to have
sex ever again, or simply can't find exciting partners whose attention
helps them maintain joy in feeling fully alive. I believe my story and
happy experiences are an anomaly in contemporary society...and I
am fully cognizant and grateful I'm a happy, sexy, extremely youthful
early 60's woman often mistaken for someone 20 years younger.
Female, 62
 The human primate is not monogamous by nature. It is not just the
male, it is not just the female, it is both. It transcends ethnic groups,
social groups, religious groups and political groups. Sex is simply the
desire that binds us all. It is more than reproductive, it is less than
sacred. It is universal. It is the human condition. Male, 64

Reflections
 Both Polyamory and Cheating address the dopamine void
in long term relationships with new lovers
 Both Cheaters and Open Couples seek to maintain the
status and security of their home relationships
 The key difference between polyamory and cheating is
their approaches to disclosure.
 Poly People tend to have positive feelings towards their home
partners and their home relationships and engage in their
culturally valued practice of compersion.
 Cheaters fear that disclosure would cause severe discomfort
(e.g. an emotional meltdown)
 The Polyamory emotional journey can be both painful and
rewarding.
 Dark Night of the Soul
 Emerge as a Emotionally and Erotically Independent Being