FROM THE DESK OF DR. CELESTIAL BAWDY DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT THE LATEST AND MOST SHOCKINGREVELATIONS ABOUT HUMAN SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
“Who the hell is Dr Bawdy,” you might ask?Are you one of the few who don’t know who Dr. Bawdy is? After taking a moment to recoverfrom your embarrassment, read on.Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT, is an esteemed scientist of human behavior whomysteriously vanished more than 150 years old, and, after a brief sojourn in the nether — sphere,suddenly reappeared on earth to share his life’s work with archivist and historian LawrenceParos.Dr. Bawdy is here to serve you—to help guide you through the shoals of ignorance surroundingthe issue of sex and enable you to better understand whats happening, sexually speaking intoday’s culture.
IT GirlDear Dr. Bawdy,When I asked my husband today why he doesn’t do “IT” more often, he simply shrugged hisshoulders, got up from the kitchen table and took the garbage out. What am I doing or sayingwrong? — IT Girl, Waukegan, WIDear IT Girl,You and your husband are hampered by a limited venereal vocabulary. It’s time you finally got with IT ,to say nothing of also getting over IT — if you know what I mean. There are thousands of words for ITwhich better convey what you mean and what you are looking for. Start by purchasing several copies ofour good book. Study IT religiously. Apply its principles, and I can guarantee that you will never havetrouble with IT again. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
Bollixed UpDear Dr. Bawdy,I am hung like a tic-tac-if you know what I mean. How exactly do I take my pebbles, marbles,love apples, acorns, or whatever you call them, and make something out of them by finallygrowing a set of balls? — Bollixed Up, Seattle, WADear Bollixed Up,To be a man today means having real cajones, the size of watermelons. This is often equatedwith courage, though admittedly, a rather strange place in which to carry it.Growing a set of balls is no easy task. You can either send for a case of our testicle seeds whichshould be planted and watered daily. The other alternative is to just get a fucking lifeOnce accomplished, your balls will then be evident for one and all to see. Sorry to be such a —you should pardon the expression—“ball breaker,” but Dr. Bawdy calls ‘em the way he seez ‘em. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
Whacked OutDear Dr. Bawdy,Masturbation has me confused. Is it self-pleasure or self-abuse? And why do people talk aboutthe price you’ll have to pay for doing it? How much exactly is it? I live on a limited budget. — Whacked Out, Bradford, MEDear Whacked Out,Not to worry your little head about it — whichever mood you’re in creates the moment. For mostof us, it’s a little bit of each. As to the price, that’s completely up to you—spend as little or asmuch as you like. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
WoodyDear Dr. Bawdy,Why is a boner a synonym for both a hard-on and an error? — Woody, Peoria, ILDear Woody,Like the cigar that’s only a cigar (OOPS, I forgot about Bill and Monica), a boner is sometimes only amistake — nothing less, nothing more. Things simply have a way of unexpectedly rising to the occasion.Boners like shit often just happen. Don’t read too much into it. That may be hard to take, but do so… andjust move on. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
Pet SensitiveDear Dr. Bawdy,My local SPCA chapter objects to my spanking the monkey, slamming the seal, and choking thechicken. Are there less objectionable practices? — Pet Sensitive, Chelsea, MADear Pet Sensitive,There’s always patting the pup, stroking the bunny, and tickling the kitty. They should all passmuster. That failing, take the situation firmly in hand, reject the ideological rigidity of the petfreaks, and just simply bang away. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
Orally ChallengedDear Dr. Bawdy,On your suggestion, my girl friend and I tried that oral sex thing out the other night. What abummer! I came in her ear, and she couldn’t hear a word for the entire next week. What am Idoing wrong? — Orally Challenged, Pettysville, MIDear Orally Challenged,You have confused oral sex with otic sex. Get the wax out of your ears, buddy, and get with theprogram. Take a Q-tip from me. The Bawdy Language approach may suck but it’s still theuniversal tongue of couples worldwide.
Construction NoviceDear Dr. Bawdy,I knocked up my old lady, and she now wants me to make an honest woman of her. How exactlydo I do that? —Construction Novice, Evanston, ILConstruction Novice,Send for our plans ($3.95 plus s/h): “Making an Honest Woman,” part 64, subsection (a),paragraph 32. Follow the instructions to the detail.There’s nothing complicated about it. It’s so simple a child can do it, maybe even a crocodile. Someassembly required. Batteries not included.
EncyclopedistDear Dr. Bawdy,My husband and I have given names to our private parts. Is that normal? — Encyclopedist, Webster Grove, MODear Encyclopedist,Absolutely! And you have a wide range of possibilities to select from. What you call them,however, should reflect their unique talentsIncluded among my favorite couples are: Emmy and Oscar, Tristan and Isolde, Fred and Ginger,Arthur and Guinevere, Homer, and Marge, and Fred and Wilma.You can also name them for forces in the culture such as “Third Wave” and “Information age” orfor particular attributes for which they are best known. I call my penis affectionately, “Pride.”After all is said and done, the one thing I am still left with is my pride… Please send my best toPunch and Judy.
Wool GathererDear Dr. Bawdy,I’m just a farm boy down here in Iowa. It gets pretty lonely on cold, dark, winter nights; so I’vemade good friends with one of my sheep – if you know what I mean. What do you have to sayabout that? — Wool Gatherer, Keokuk, IADear Wool Gatherer,You won’t get any ba-a-a-as from me on it. Hey, whatever turns ewe on! We just calls ‘em theway we sees ‘em.
Short-SightedDear Dr. Bawdy,Why does “seeing someone” mean that you are also doing them? — Short-Sighted, Tuscaloosa, ALDear Short-Sighted,Nine out of ten ophthalmologists recently surveyed reported that seeing someone meant youwere fucking them. They attributed this to a full screening and thorough annual eye examinationby a licensed health care provider.Fucking well is a direct function of your vision, meaning it’s important that you see (I mean“visit”) your eye doctor regularly. Proper vision increases the likelihood of the phenomenoncalled “love at first sight.” Without it you wouldn’t even be able to “first set eyes on someone.”Nothing is more important to a relationship than love at first sight. It’s a highly efficientprocedure, one which saves both parties lots of time, having to really know one another. Youknow the drill: Fuck first, ask questions later.Less common is when people who know each other a long time still continue to look at one another. Now,that’s something really fuckin’ remarkable and really outa sight!
StrokelessDear Dr. Bawdy,I love it when my husband plays with my clit — especially when he can find it. But last week, hesuddenly stopped doing it. When I asked him why, he said that he was a follower of your dictum,"If you can’t say it, you cant do it." …And darned, if he can’t find the words to describe whathes doing. When I asked him why that was, he simply grinned and said, "I just cant put myfinger on it." Is that some kind of joke or something? — Strokeless, Missoula, MTDear Strokeless,Humor is in the eye of the beholder, and, in this case, its tucked away deep in the creases of hismind. Being the last word on the subject, it is incumbent on me to come up with something, solet me propose "Tickle me Elmo." Or "Touch and Glow."If these phrases dont suit his fancy, and yours too, I suggest taking up a different recreational activity,perhaps anal sex where the object under consideration is more easily visible and accessible, and hencemore easily named. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
Word-ChallengedDear Dr. Bawdy,My boyfriend recently called me a "cunt." Should I be angry over that? — Word-Challenged, Oshkosh, WIDear Word-Challenged,Words at times fail, even for the best of us. Allow me to answer your query by resorting to thecontemporary argot: "Yo Ho! What kind of fuckin retard are you anyhow?"
Hung UpDear Dr. Bawdy,My wife and I haven’t done the deed in years. Memories of sex are beginning to fade fast. Notknowing what else to do, I asked my son to take me to a prostitute. Hes agreed and Im readyand rarin to go.Unfortunately, I dont know how to speak prostitute-ise. I feel like a visitor to a foreign country.Could you provide me with a few key phrases and tips for how I should express myself? — Hung Up, Edina, MNDear Hung-Up,The language is quite basic. You have simply to master the following:"Leave it on top of the dresser.""We take Visa, MC and Amex.""Prices are subject to change without notice.""We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.""You show me yours… ""What’ll you have?""Do not try this at home."And "That’ll be extra."A proper response to any of the above should consist of no more than a simple snort or grunt ofapproval.Do not ask, "How’s tricks?"If she should inquire as to "Paper or plastic?" chances are, you are in the wrong place.
Yes We CanDear Dr. Bawdy,My husband and I are severe Republicans who simply adore Mitt Romney. We are looking tofind ways to express our support for him sexually. Do you have any suggestions? — Yes We Can, Leavenworth, KansasDear Yes We Can,I love your positive attitude. It’s the mind-set that has made America special. Obama may havehis auto bailout. But Republicans have auto-eroticism. And its centerpiece is the woman. This isafter all, the year of the woman for the party.Let the partying begin! Start the proceeding with a little foreplay doggy style. Then have yourhusband tie you securely to the top of the car, hop back in and proceed to floor it, hitting highspeeds until you have achieved orgasm. Indicate same with a high piercing scream, hopefullyheard above the din of the traffic.After-play is important. He should lower you down from the roof and hose you down.Affectionate petting is also recommended. He should reward any cooing with a 64 oz. slurpy ofyour choice at the nearest Seven Eleven.One caveat: Do not attempt this with lesser brands of vehicles. Lexus suggested, CadillacEscalade is acceptable in a pinch. No hybrids, electric cars or other gimmicks.
Confused Fear MongerDear Dr. Bawdy,I’m beside myself with fear and confusion. My daughter has developed a passionate interest intheater and become sexually involved with an actress from Beirut.I wasn’t born yesterday and know how those Lebanese are with their butch haircuts and flatchests—out to convert innocent girls like my daughter to their sexual orientation.I asked my priest who says it’s all part of a larger terrorist plot to subvert America from thebottom up. What shall I do? — Confused Fear Monger, San DiegoDear Confused Fear Monger,You have a serious gap in your venereal vocabulary. I strongly suggest that you bone up on(please pardon the expression) the L word. Carefully read the Good Book (You certainly knowof what I speak, there being, after all, only one), especially the chapters on The Gender Gap, LetMe Count the Ways, and One of a Kind. Study and master the principles contained therein andbefore you can say, “dyke,” you will have attained same-sex nirvana.As to the girls’ perverted interest in theater-not to worry-it’s nothing more than a couple ofaspiring thespians doing their thing.Meanwhile, tell your priest not to get his cassock in a twist over it. Suggest a friendly chat withhis favorite altar boy for a fresh perspective on things.
Advice to the Newly Pubescent MaleIntroductionCongratulations my lad, on the new addition to your family!Say hello to your new penis. You say you already have a penis. Agreed, but it’s nothing like thisone. This is the new and improved model, with features you have never experienced before. Thisis penis 12.0, or as some like to call it, “Your penis on steroids.” And this, my dear boy, is yourUser’s Manual. Basic Operating Principles: Your Penis has a mind of its own. It does not know right from wrong.The Plague of the Young PenisMost penises this age suffer from Inattention Anxiety Disorder (IAD). This can cause him to actout in public, engaging in uppity and unruly behavior. This is no trifling matter. An aggressiveyoung penis can ruin your relationships with others. The answer to IAD is a happy, well-adjusted
penis, which is where you come in. It is your job to insure that he is happy, well balanced, andworn out.Housebreaking your penisHousebreaking your penis is not the easiest thing in the world. It takes time, patience, andperseverance. It’s not something that happens overnight. Remember, your penis doesn’t havemuch self-control, penises vary in volatility. No matter how diligent you are, accidents willhappen. Create a setting for your penis in which he feels safe and comfortable and in which you can properly supervise him. His regular habitat should be a proper nestling place, such as warm briefs or boxer shorts, unsoiled and in which he can feel relaxed and uninhibited, hang about and just be himself. Provide him with ample opportunity for play. How would you feel confined in a constricted dark space for most of your waking hours, shut off from fresh, cool air and the light of day? Be sure and give him plenty of exercise. A run in the park with other penises is a good start in helping to keep him happy and stimulated. Designate a specific spot and a time for one-on-one penis play. This spot should be private and free of distractions. He most appreciates your full and undivided attention during this special time between you two. Make sure to provide your penis with some appealing playthings and stimulating activities to help hold his interest. Joint visualization can do wonders for your relationship and enhance the bonding process.
Be fully prepared for these private tete a tetes. Must-have items include several boxes of kleenex, extra pairs of socks, a fresh bed sheet, screen-clean a soft cloth for your monitor, a glove for your mouse, and plastic sheeting for your keyboard. He does have a tendency to get a bit rambunctious and out of hand during these times. It is important that you contain his exuberance; hence the supplies Early interactive socialization of your penis with people is important. He is new to people and their prompts. Learn to give him a “hurry up” command, especially when you hear a knock on the door and the query, “What are you doing in there?” Eventually, your penis will become conditioned to retreat when hearing this phrase. What to do if he has an accident? Talk firmly but gently with him. He feels as bad about it as you do. He doesn’t handle guilt very well. Show some understanding. It’s your responsibility for not having properly supervised him. Practice Behavior modification. When your penis behaves properly and acts in a restrained and orderly fashion, reward him with a gentle pat or two and a “Good penis!” said as if you truly mean it. Praise him warmly and enthusiastically. Conversely, scold him in a firm but non-retributive manner when he slips up, “Bad Penis!” It may take an occasional whack across the snout to get his full attention, but he’ll soon get the message.The general rule of penisdom is patience at all times.. He simply doesn’t know any better. Yourjob is to help show him the way, to introduce him to the ways of the world and whatever else heneeds to become happy, well balanced, and social. You are the boss of him, and not the otherway around. Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
Dr. Bawdy’s Top Ten (Plus Three) Hot Tips: Sex after 90 forFirst Timers 1. Darken the room. Close your eyes. Sex between people over 90 ain’t pretty. 2. Dress is critical; flannel, de rigueur. Avoid nightgowns or pajamas with Hello Kitty on them. 3. Remove your dentures. This can keep you from accidentally swallowing them during a critical moment or having them inadvertently slip out and attach themselves to an embarrassing part belonging to your partner. 4. Have a feather duster nearby to clean away assorted cobwebs and dust which have accumulated since you last had sex. 5. Put an LP of patriotic music on your record player. Turn up to full volume. This is a sure way to get the attention of long dormant organs. “Wake up, wake up, you sleepy head.” 6. Remove all IV tubes, lest your partner get the wrong idea. 7. Use a fine lubricant. Have you considered axle grease? 8. Let it all hang out. (It probably will anyway.) 9. Avoid positions such as 69 or reduce them proportionately to the age of the practitioners. 33 1/3 rpm might work better for you. 10. Do not light up after sex, especially if your oxygen tanks are nearby. 11. Condoms? You never know. Child-support can be a bitch at any age. 12. Be brave. Forget about death. You could be coming and going at the same time. Such a deal! 13. Now that you are no longer a first-timer, consider taking up swinging.
Footnote to History As a professional historian, I have dedicated my life’s work to honoring great figures lost in the shuffle of time —bringing to the forefront little-known people who have had a profound effect Lawrence Paros, Authority on Dr. Bawdy on our lives and how we see the world. Celestial Bawdy was one such personage. One day in July 1991, I was working on the screenplay for a motion picture based on his life (To be directed by Ang Lee or Martin Scorsese, with Brad Pitt cast as Celestial), when I heard a pounding at my front door. I opened it to find an old disheveled figure standing before me clutching a ream of papers. “I believe you were looking for these,” he said, handing them to me.“Let me introduce myself,” he said. “I am Sir Celestial Bawdy.”“How can that be?” I asked. “You’re 150 years old.”
“You’re fucking-A right,” he responded. “Agreed, this is some pretty weird shit, but suck it upkid. I’m back and here to stay. You have been tapped to be my conduit—to continue my work;create a platform for my ideas, and spread them far and wide. For my part, I will give youcomplete access to my papers, and write a regular advice column, providing you each day withnew and insightful suggestions for humankind. You, in turn, will tweet and blog and dowhatever you people do to get the word out—whatever it takes to spread the gospel of Bawdy farand wide through those internet tubes—to make it the universal language, teaching others how tolive, thereby elevating all of humankind in the process.” I agreed. Our destinies are now joined. Our voices are one. That’s the way it is. Read more http://www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog and