How to turn your relationship baggage into relationship luggage


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How to turn your relationship baggage into relationship luggage

  1. 1. How To Turn Your Relationship Baggage Into RelationshipLuggageHow many times have we faced loss? Loss of trust? Loss of Security? Loss of Safety?Pain? Disappointment? Heartache?Too many times to count! Well, if you are anything like me, I was continually searchingfor ways to complete the pain caused by the losses I have experienced so that I couldmove forward. Some may refer to it as ‘healing’. We trick ourselves into believing thatwe are ‘over him’ or we’ve ‘moved on’ but what I discovered is that on the surface, it(loss/pain) appeared ‘neatly tucked away’ however it (loss/pain) seemed to seepthrough the seams over time and end up exploding repeatedly in other relationships.Sounds like bringing baggage into a new relationship, right? Seems irrelevant? Maybe,maybe not.Generally speaking, we can lose ourselves in relationships because we desiresomething different, better, or more of it (in cases of death). Through my personal andprofessional experiences, I’ve learned that what we define as healing may be betterexplained as completing the pain caused by a loss or losses whether it is the loss of aboyfriend, husband, divorce, child, employment, relocating, financial stability,friendships, etc. So exactly what is completing the pain caused by a loss?The Grief Recovery Method Handbook defined recovery as claiming your circumstancesinstead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness. Recovery is findingnew meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again. So in other words, we needto feel good about experiencing our pain, talking about our losses and understandingthe process as healthy and normal. The Grief Recovery Handbook is a tool thateducates us on understanding that we’ve all spent too much time believing in the oldadages of ‘replace the loss” aka there are other fish in the sea! And, it ‘just takes time’aka you will feel better, just give it time! Or keep yourself busy” aka do anything andeverything to avoid addressing how painful it is that you ended or he ended a goodrelationship!But have you ever paused and asked yourself, “Does any of it really work?” “Do wereally replace the loss of one thing over another and do I really forget about the person,the relationship that we no longer have, security, trust, forever? I think most of us wouldanswer, no. Think about it ladies, do you remember the first crush, first love, your highschool sweetheart?Trying to intellectualize or make sense of what goes wrong in a relationship can be thebarrier to addressing the real issue which is why I am in pain? How can I feel better? Itstarts with addressing the fact that a broken heart cannot be healed through
  2. 2. and literature. Sure education and literature have its place but grief is a normal, healthyresponse to pain so we want to know what are we supposed to do with the pain?There are specific actions we can take to develop helpful habits for dealing withgrief.1. In order to develop a new habit, we must first become aware of the need to have anew habit.Tell the truth about your pain. Avoid masking the ‘real’ problem and verbalize your truthabout your pain, loss, and broken heart.2. We must learn the component parts or skills necessary to build the habit.Acknowledge that what you are doing to ‘fix’ the problem is not working. Be honest anddon’t lie to yourself or to others about the problem. Ask yourself, what is the underlyingissue to my pain, loss, and broken heart? Break the cycle of denial!3. We must practice the new ideas so that we can turn them into habits.Identify new ideas and replace the old habits with new habits. Practicing new ideasleads to new habits then spread the word!Grief (loss, pain, a broken heart) is the only emotion that you cannot intellectualizebecause our heart, the center of our soul, does not want to hear about how to ‘moveforward’ or ‘move on’ without proper closure or healing. Completing the pain caused bythe losses we all experience through our life time can be accomplished bya. Dispelling the Myths:Don’t feel bad.Replace the loss.Grieve alone.Just give it time.Be strong for others.Keep
  3. 3. b. Actively participating series of specific action steps which include theRecovery Components:ApologiesYou make apologies for anything you did or did not do that might have hurt someoneelse. We have a tendency to point the finger and place blame which minimizes our ownaccountability and responsibility in our relationships.ForgivenessYou give up the resentment you hold against another person. Forgiveness has nothingto do with the other person but gives you the ability to reacquire your own sense of well-being. Forgiveness is an action, not a feeling!Significant Emotional StatementsYou make statements that are not apologies or a forgiveness action but any otherundeliverable emotional communication that has held you hostage from gainingcompletion and recovery. These statements are things you wish you would say or do ifgiven a second chance.Relationships are difficult at best but one of the many keys in engaging in a successfulrelationship is taking ownership and taking control of your ‘heart’, ‘pain’, ‘actions’ and‘life’. At the end of the day, it is all about accepting responsibility for your actions or non-actions that lead to the incompletion of your pain. We are our own agents of change sothe change must begin with an acknowledgement and acceptance of personalaccountability. Too much time has been incessantly wasted on finger pointing andblaming when introspectively, change starts from within. Attending to the heart andcompleting the pain caused by the loss results in turning your baggage into luggage andevery woman wants to show off their brand new luggage!Now, let’s see a show of hands for who is ready to go shopping?About the authorNyree Dawn Fray-Jackson is a Licensed Professional Counselor with certifications inGrief Recovery and Anger Management. Mrs. Fray-Jackson has over 15 years ofexperience in the Behavioral Health Services field and specializes in working withchildren, adolescents and their families. She has spent the past six years in the MetroAtlanta Georgia area.To know more about Nyree, visit her website
  4. 4. Reference:The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorceand Other Losses including Health, Career, and FaithJohn W. James and Russell Friedman For more free tips and insights on what really attracts a man, how tomake yourself irresistible to him and how to capture his heart, click the link below.