Reasoning your way to happiness with science and logic
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Reasoning your way to happiness: using science and logic to help you understand and manage emotions and relationships (for the introverted thinking nerds like me) Emotions and relationships. We all have them, but they can be scary and unpredictable. Sometimes things go well, but other times—seemingly randomly—they devolve into bad situations. We don’t feel in control ( a lack of agency as the psychologists call it) and so it’s often easier just to do more introverted nerd stuff like reading. Reasoning your way to happiness: using science and logic to help you understand and manage emotions and relationships (for the introverted thinking nerds like me) Emotions and relationships. We all have them, but they can be scary and unpredictable. Sometimes things go well, but other times—seemingly randomly—they devolve into bad situations. We don’t feel in control ( a lack of agency as the psychologists call it) and so it’s often easier just to do more introverted nerd stuff like reading. You are not alone. We have all been there. There is nothing wrong with you, and it is ok. These slides introduce you to science and data around happiness and relationships, a bit of the why and how behind it, and some techniques on how to have healthy experiences around emotions and relationships.
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Reasoning your way to happiness with science and logic
- 1. Reasoning Your Way to Happiness with Science and Logic Dave Cortright User Experience Designer Program Manager IT Consultant Human
- 2. Standard Disclaimers Apply Not a replacement for professional help via licensed therapists All based on my personal experience; YMMV
- 3. My Meyers-Briggs personality type Introversion iNtuition Thinking Perception Extroversion Sensing Feeling Judgement Unfortunately for a thinking introvert like me…
- 4. Happiness = healthy relationships with people
- 5. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is that good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period. —Robert Waldinger, Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness
- 6. Contrary to the belief that happiness is hard to explain—or that it depends on having great wealth—researchers have identified the core factors in a happy life. The primary components are number of friends, closeness of friends, closeness of family, and relationships with co-workers and neighbors. Together these features explain about 70% of personal happiness. — David Niven, “The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People”
- 7. Make family a priority and Create an inner circle of at least three friends with whom you can have meaningful conversations… who are generally happy. —Dan Buettner, author of The Blue Zones
- 8. The Five Regrets of the Dying I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I wish I had let myself be happier. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. Compiled by hospice nurse Bronnie Ware
- 9. The Five Regrets of the Dying I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. I wish I had let myself be happier. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. What’s there: emotions, connections, relationships, empowerment What’s not: achievements, experiences, money, fame
- 10. Personal Responsibility / Empowerment You must start with a solid foundation. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself and your emotional health.
- 11. There is hope This is a learnable skill Eye contact! OMG!! 😱
- 15. Human EEA: Environment of Evolutionary Adaptedness This was how we lived for hundreds of thousands of years, during the last major update to our genetic “operating system”
- 17. Yes, I understand: it’s ok to feel all emotions, but I am more evolved; I can manage my emotions. Nope
- 20. Why a rainbow analogy?
- 21. Because there are no “bad” colors. Likewise there are no “bad” emotions.
- 23. The myth of a singular “happiness” ☹
- 24. The myth of a singular “happiness” 😃☹ 😐
- 25. DOSE: the 4 happy brain chemicals Dopamine Achievement Oxytocin Social connection Serotonin Social Importance Endorphin natural painkillers Habits of a Happy Brain by Loretta Graziano Breuning
- 26. They must be managed collectively, like resources in a game ❤ Health 📚 Wisdom 🍞 Food ⚡ Stamina
- 27. So how do we manage them? Dopamine Achievement Oxytocin Social connection Serotonin Social Importance Endorphin natural painkillers Let’s focus on Oxytocin and Serotonin, which are the trickiest ones.
- 28. Emotion Equations ∃ℰ ℰ ⊂ ∫𝒰 ℰ ≠ ± ℰ = ⓘ 𝒰(☺,☮) {ℰ} + 𝑓(ℰ)
- 29. Emotion Equations Explained • Emotions exist • Emotions are an integral part of you • Emotions are neither good nor bad (so don’t judge them) • Emotions are information • Happiness and inner peace requires embracing and processing all of your emotions without restraint ∃ℰ ℰ ⊂ ∫𝒰 ℰ ≠ ± ℰ = ⓘ 𝒰(☺,☮) {ℰ} + 𝑓(ℰ)
- 30. Healthy embracing and processing {ℰ} = ) - * + 🏷 𝑓(ℰ) = 🗣👂 - * + 💖 + 👫 + 🤗 + 🕊 Embrace emotions by accepting them without judgement and labeling them Process emotions by talking about them with compassion, acceptance & physical touch. Then let them go.
- 31. Unhealthy processing (and sadly typical) {ℰ}′ = (* / ✂ / ✋ / 🤔 / 🍾) judging, cutting off, denial, rationalization, bottling up 𝑓′₁(ℰ) = (6 / 🙅 / 8 / 🧮 / 😡 / 🙋) judging, denial, offering unwelcome advice, rationalizing, getting angry, or turning focus back on themselves 𝑓′₂(ℰ) = 📱 + 🍟 + 🎮 + 🍺 + 🛍 + 😴 … screen time, junk food, video games, alcohol/drugs, shopping, oversleeping…
- 32. The Achievement Fallacy 🏆 = 𝒰(☺,☮) The belief that more achievement equals more fulfillment. Similar to the myth of a singular happiness.
- 33. The Achievement Reality 🏆 ≤ ⅓·𝒰(☺,☮) 𝒰(☺,☮) = C + 💑 + 🏆 Achievement is at most ⅓ of your overall life satisfaction The other ⅔ is feeling social importance and personal connection
- 34. I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer. ―Jim Carrey
- 35. Your worst enemy and a common pitfall * 6So how do we mitigate the judgement?
- 36. NEO: Neutral External Observer Step back to view your thoughts, feelings, and overall mental/physical state from an external perspective. What would you say to a friend who was in your current situation? One of many Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools
- 37. Stop thinking and just be a.k.a. meditation …but that can be a loaded term
- 38. A better description: Present Sense 👀👂🖐👃👅 🧠 Keep your focus on your senses and feelings as they exist now. Don’t cling to any. Let them go, and any thoughts that come.
- 39. Two modes of being: Thinking or Feeling / “present sense”
- 40. Time scale of evolutionary milestones Now Cambrian Explosion 541 million years ago (mya) Emotions Primates 65–85 mya Sociality Homo 2 mya Thinking 13% .037% Your underlying real-time social and emotional “operating system” has been tested and refined by evolution for far longer than your thinking one.
- 41. Your [thinking] mind is an instrument; a tool. It is there to be used for a specific task; And when the task is completed, you lay it down. —Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”
- 42. Switching between thinking & feeling Typical human existence: brief samples of the sensory mode, but primarily living in the thinking mode
- 43. Switching between thinking & feeling What if we flipped that ratio? Use your thinking brain for a task, then put it down and just be in the moment with your senses.
- 44. Preparing to travel Traveling: walking, biking, riding in the car… Eating, cooking, cleaning up Personal hygiene time Practice “present sense” when…
- 45. We all practice personal hygiene daily
- 46. Practice emotional hygiene daily too! 💑🧘 🗣 👂 K📓 present sense talk about emotions be compassionate
- 47. Resources Triumphs of Experience by George E. Vaillant (or just watch Robert Waldinger’s TED talk) The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven The Blue Zones series (especially …Happiness) by Dan Buettner The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle Habits of a Happy Brain by Loretta Graziano Breuning The Awakened Ape by Jevan Pradas The Elephant in the Brain by Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson The Social Conquest of Earth by Edward O. Wilson The Selfish Gene, et al. by Richard Dawkins The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals by Charles Darwin Social and Emotional Learning from resources such as CASEL or RULER