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The art of the breakup

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Originally created by special request for RelateCon 2018, in The Art of the Breakup, Minx and Lusty Guy share tips for having a healthy breakup from the point of view of the Initiator, the Responder, and Bystanders.

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The art of the breakup

  1. 1. The Art of the Breakup Lusty Guy & Cunning Minx
  2. 2. Introductions
  3. 3. What this class is Examination of a good breakup and how to get there from the point of view of: The Initiator The Responder The Bystanders
  4. 4. What this class isn’t How to avoid breaking up How to know a breakup is coming How to know when to break up How to save yourself from abuse Legal advice on divorce
  5. 5. What is the goal of a breakup?
  6. 6. To reduce emotional involvement, sexual intimacy, and time spent with someone in a way that maximizes dignity and minimizes pain for everyone involved while recreating the relationship in a way that works for all parties
  7. 7. A good breakup is one that achieves those things while allowing the people breaking up to be at least polite and reasonable with each other in the future
  8. 8. How not to initiate a breakup
  9. 9. How NOT to break up: Initiator Being wishy-washy Surprising someone with a sudden breakup Breaking up right before work/vacation Breaking up right after a death Moving too suddenly Excessively trash talking your ex after
  10. 10. How not to respond to a breakup
  11. 11. How not to respond to a breakup Obsess about the causes and language Stalk your ex on Facebook (Post Relationship Contact Behavior = PRCB) Reframe the story to be about you instead of them Wallow too little or too much Self-medicate (more than usual) Excessively trash talking your ex
  12. 12. How not to handle a breakup as a bystander
  13. 13. How not to handle a breakup as a bystander Avoid self-blame Choose friends, but avoid taking sides (stay out of the middle)
  14. 14. How to break up effectively The Initiator & The Responder
  15. 15. 1 - Take time Ripping the bandage off is worse than allowing yourselves multiple conversations to process over time
  16. 16. 2 - Be as adult as possible Act as if you have kids. When kids get hurt, the adults who love them get calm, controlled, and kind.
  17. 17. 3 - Match the breakup to the relationship
  18. 18. 4 - Take a break Reduce contact as much as possible for a specified period of time to give everyone a chance to heal (PRCB)
  19. 19. 5 - Act towards them the way you want them to act towards you Model the behavior you want to see from them, even when they aren’t behaving well. ESPECIALLY when they aren’t behaving well.
  20. 20. 6 - Watch your words Use “when you ___, I feel ___.” Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Don’t unload on them.
  21. 21. 7 - Accept it. Now is not the time to bargain.
  22. 22. 8 - Take care of yourself. Engage in self-care. Recreate yourself after this relationship.
  23. 23. How to handle the breakup Bystanders
  24. 24. How to handle the breakup: Bystanders Center whomever you are with Accept both the Initiator and the Responder Offer support without taking sides Let them “drunk talk.” Much of what is said immediately post-breakup isn’t meant long- term. Let them spout safely.
  25. 25. Diving the spoils How to deal with possessions and gifts post-breakup
  26. 26. Guidelines for dividing the spoils A gift is a gift. No “takesies-backsies.” Common assets are common. If you can’t agree, sell and divide the proceeds. Kids, friends, and pets are not assets. Kids and friends make their own choices. If kids are old enough, let them choose. If not, put their needs before yours. Figure out what is best for the pet, not for you. Do the easy stuff first; hog trade the hard stuff.
  27. 27. Unhelpful breakup myths Breakup = failure Healthy, ended romantic relationships must become friendships You require/deserve closure Others?
  28. 28. To reduce emotional involvement, sexual intimacy, and time spent with someone in a way that maximizes dignity and minimizes pain for everyone involved while recreating the relationship in a way that works for all parties
  29. 29. Be kind. Be adult. Forgive yourself. Forgive others.
  30. 30. Tell us more www.polyweekly.com polyweekly@gmail.com lustyguy@polyweekly.com @polyweekly, @cunningminx www.facebook.com/polyweekly
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