1 | P a g e
Script Evaluation and Outline of Key Changes
Script Draft 1 Evaluation
The feedback I received from my tutor, Mr. Becker was that
the format was excellent and the style was good. My choice
of verbs, adjectives and adverbs created imagery and
The timing of the moral gauntlet needs to be right. In order
for me to pursue this challenge, I will endeavour to rework
the script in order to accommodate and incorporate this
Some of the dialogue I had implemented did not contain
punctuation at the end. I will rectify this aspect within my
Mr Becker also pointed out that I had included character
inner feelings, in the form of internal dialogue and these
needed to be expressed and identified through the action. His
valued point will enable me to produce a more coherent
With reference to my characters, I had on occasion referred
to Sweetah, the protagonist as the ‘female’ and Brandon as
the ‘male’. I will therefore, eliminate these different
identifications and refer to them by their character name,
within the next script.
Script Draft 2 Outline of Key Changes
Punctuation has been inserted at the end of each
The name Sweetah has been referred to
2 | P a g e
The characters name ‘Brandon’ has been
changed to ‘Logan’. I primarily used the name
Brandon, because it was my actor’s first name
and I had not given him a character’s name at
The young male character’s name ‘Logan’ has
been referred to, accordingly throughout.
Internal dialogue has been corrected.
The script remains the same until Logan exits the car yard.
This whole end section of the script has been rewritten to
give more impact and to incorporate ethical principles and
lessons learned through the art of growing up. These aspects
help to illustrate the awareness of the dangers of social,
culture and peer pressure.
The changes are as follows:
Logan searches in a vans glove department for
The yard owner notices Logan on his CCTV monitor and
chases him off.
Logan does not return to the car yard, as he did in the
Sweetah now passes out in the back seat of the car,
instead of having a lethal seizure.
Sweetah notices the yard owner and she discreetly
vacates the car and the yard, instead of remaining in a
silent and deadly state.
Sweetah searches for Logan back at the practice studio.
Sweetah sees Logan in the practice room, but does not
make her presence known.
3 | P a g e
Sweetah sinks away from the practice door and leans
against the wall, reflecting on the current situation and
back to her short-lived encounter with Logan.
I had adhered to all the key areas of change from the first
evaluated script. In order to satisfy my own curiosity of how
well this script compares, I decided to use reference Marilyn
Milgrom’s ‘The Script’.
The script has been written in a chronological order to
reflect a linear narrative with no casualties that should
crucially engage an audience without any form of
Parallel action has been implemented to enable tension
to build and move the story forward.
The script provides unity as every scene reveals
something to increase an audiences understanding of
the protagonist and her situational dilemmas.
A dramatic, world, character, and problem have been
created in order to play out in real time.
The protagonist faces a metaphorical emotional
journey, which focuses on a pivotal significant event,
with the entire action-taking place in one afternoon.
The stakes are evidently high and an audience’s
recognition of the protagonist’s wants, needs and
dilemmas are clear.
The script communicates a clear meaning to its
audience from its beginning to its end.
4 | P a g e
Tone emerges from the way in which each element
supports the underlying meaning of the story and this
script can be intimately connected to a thriller hybrid of
the social realism genre.
Nine out of ten of Milgrom’s ten point plan has been
adhered to. The title of the film is still to be decided.