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Wwp4fd foster-16:5:2013 (pdf)


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Wwp4fd foster-16:5:2013 (pdf)

  1. 1. The Mission! 20th May, 1969, 0030 hours. It was a rainy night on the chopper, in the middle of theNorth Atlantic. Cpt. Kill, Sgt. Lock, Cpl. Break, Cpl. Mac and Pvt. Boom had been in thechopper for half an hour, and it had started to rain heavily. Because they had to rope downat a moment’s notice, they couldn’t close the side door of the chopper. Within a minutethey were all wet, if not drenched from head to toe. They were in the middle of an op thatwould be taking place on a container ship in the middle of the North Atlantic. In an hour’stime, the 5-strong SAS team would be fast-roping down on to the deck of the containership and planting a bomb that would sink the ship. They would hopefully also be fastenough to locate and recover the sheets of important intelligence about the Soviet Union’sarmies. The SAS team members were each carrying MP5SDs, which was a silencedversion of the Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine gun specially designed for specialoperations. They were also wearing dark green-black camouflaged BDUs (Battle DressUniforms) to camouflage them in the night. The commandos would be encountering a lotof heavy enemy resistance, so they had been specially selected for this mission from theentire Regiment (Special Air Service). A special mock-up of the container ship wasprovided for their training. They had trained and practiced extensively for this missionduring the past 2-3 months, and had developed a special bond between each other. Theirteamwork was flawless because of the training. Each of them covered each other’s backs,and they never left a man behind. During training, the troopers had created an extremelydetailed battle plan, which in its short version dictates that Cpt. Kill was to plant the bombin the engine room at all costs, with the other team members providing support. Thehelicopter flew on as Cpt. Kill and his team went over the complicated plan one more timewith his team members.Foster 8/5/2013!most people think of choppersas having doors
  2. 2. ! The moment had finally arrived. Cpt. Kill went down the rope first, followed by Sgt.Lock, Cpl. Break, Cpl. Mac and Pvt. Boom. As the SAS troopers landed, they already hadtheir MP5SDs in the ready position. They efficiently took out all the enemies at the bow ofthe ship, then moved on to the middle. They’ed roped down on to the front of the ship, andwere slowly making their way to the bridge of the container ship, searching for the piecesof intelligence along the way. At first, they encountered heavy resistance, but as theyprogressed, the resistance let up a bit. As the team moved along the length of the ship,Sgt. Lock consulted a receiver that was getting signals from a tracking device implanted inthe paper. He found out that the intelligence was in the cargo hold of the ship.!! “Let’s go, troopers!”, Cpt. Kill shouted over the roaring wind and rain. They madetheir way over to the engine room and planted the bomb. Then, they went to the cargohold. Surprisingly, overwhelming resistance was in the cargo hold hiding, waiting for theSAS team to come in. The SAS team had thought that because of the lack of troopers onthe deck of the ship, the cargo hold would be easy to penetrate. They were wrong. 20minutes later, Cpl. Mac was down, and they were still fighting. !! “Man down! Man down!”, Sgt. Lock screamed. Pvt. Boom immediately went to Cpl.Mac’s side and gave him a shot of morphine. He used Cpl. Mac’s morphine, as he mightneed his own for later. He discovered that Cpl. Mac had taken a bullet in the thigh, and ithad hit the bone then gone strait through his leg. Pvt. Boom realized that the bone wascompletely severed. Pvt. Boom, using all of his first aid skills, managed to stop thebleeding and stabilize him after a few minutes. Pvt. Boom then called for an immediatemedevac using his radio. Meanwhile, the other members of the team defeated all theenemies in the cargo hold and started to move toward the location of the intelligence. !! Sgt. Lock discovered that the papers were in one of the cargo crates. He put abreaching charge on the door of the crate, then shouted “Clear!”, activated the charge andstepped back. The breaching charge effectively vaporized the metal doors, and the SASFoster 8/5/2013!paragraphslowly makingparagraphthis sentence should go beforethe previous sentence to keep thetime sequenceparagraph
  3. 3. troopers stormed into the crate, Sgt. Lock taking point. Cpl. Break was just about to grabthe pieces of paper containing important intel when a huge explosion rocked the ship andsent the troopers crashing to the floor.“What the hell was that!?”, Cpt. Kill yelled into the radio.! The response came back from the helicopter overhead, “Apparently the bomb youplanted had a fuse malfunction and it detonated early.”! “How did that happen!?”, Cpt. Kill exclaimed.! “We don’t know, and we probably will never know.”, radioed the heli overhead.! Cpt. Kill now calmly said into the radio, “Can you arrange an immediate evac at thestern of the ship?”! “It’s going to be rough, but we can make it. ETA 5 minutes. Make sure you’re there.”! Cpt. Kill said to his teammates, “We are leaving, people! Come on, let’s get off thisbig ship. It’s sinking!” Sgt. Lock quickly grabbed the sheets of paper containing theintelligence and started to sprint toward the exit. The other troopers followed. 2 of themcarried the injured Cpl. Mac on their backs. The SAS team was running along a corridorwhen the team heard a loud, deep boom. Suddenly, a wall burst and huge torrents ofwater flooded the entire hallway. Sgt. Lock was knocked backwards by the force of thewater. When Sgt. Lock had regained his balance, all 5 commandos ran even faster. Theyhad finally reached the deck of the ship when it started to keel over. All the commandosjumped aboard the rear loading ramp of the chopper, but Pvt. Boom missed. He triedagain, and he caught the ramp by his bare fingertips. Cpt. Kill immediately stood up fromthe bench and pulled him aboard to safety. All the troopers got comfortable within thehelicopter, and the rear loading ramp closed up to seal the heli’s cargo compartment. Itwas 0500 hours, and it was starting to get light already. As they started to return to base,the commandos in the chopper could just barely make out the sinking container shipFoster 8/5/2013!indentalways indent first line of aparagraph (including indentingfirst line of dialogue)
  4. 4. against the driving wind and rain. Cpt. Kill thought, “Good riddance, the mission’s finallyover.”Foster 8/5/2013!Foster,You are good at creating picturesof complex scenes with yourwriting. The helicopter, storm,getting down to the bow and theblast are all vivid events for me.Good, concise writing.There are details, though, thatwould give the reader a fullerpicture. For instance, giving detailabout color, sound, distances,clothing, etc.Your characters are obviouslywell-trained soldiers, but who arethey? Although combatdescription is entertaining, It’shard to care about it when wedon’t know anything about thepeople. Or at least how theyrelate to one another.Think about ways to make yourpeople more accessible to thereader. Remember, the enemy inthe story won’t read yourrevelations :), so it’s OK to tellwhat they main characters arethinking and feeling.Your fan,MSD