CHELSEA CHELSEA BANG BANG
Author: Chelsea Handler
Publisher: Hachette Australia
Reviewed by: CK Bray
Allow me to preface this review by saying, I am not easily shocked. However, I freely admit
Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang shocked my socks off! The newest tome, of three book author
Chelsea Handler, pulls no punches from the cover design to the racy unravelling of eleven
“chapters” which read more like scintillating short stories inside the seriously saucy dust
I had never heard of Chelsea Handler before the opening pages of her book and I spent the
entire time that I read, with increasingly raised eyebrows, wondering how on earth it is
possible that she has escaped not only my attention, but the attention of Australia. I mean,
let’s face it; Aussies are particularly fond of abrasive, blue humour. And by golly this girl has
got that going for her, in spades; in addition to, or should I say in spite of, being drop-dead
gorgeous with a body like a super-model. It’s like John Belushi has been reincarnated as a
Playboy centrefold, X-rated posing being yet another amazing accomplishment of Ms.
How are you, my darling!?
Yes, I do sleep! I crashed very soon after I posted that comment.
It's been ages. & completely my fault! I sunk into a ridiculously self indulgent funk
when I broke both my ankle & my foot (2nd & 3rd metatarsels!) 8-months ago and
unfortunately have stacked on so much weight I am now officially the newest planet
in the solar system. I amazingly have my own weather system & climate, but I need
to organise a sequined marqee to genuinely appear in public otherwise i will frighten
small children. Tents are remarkably comfortable & they say black is slimming..
Suffice to say, I look smashing in the black tent & I will try to relocate my mass &
density to coordinate with the UK sometime in the next 24 months. I'm like Haley's
Comet...so it's a bit touch & go. ha ha ha
sorry, I'm carrying on like a porkchop & being an idiot, Mireia.
hope it was slightly entertaining.
I decided to go freelance!
I love it. My own boss, no one to mess up the delivery, just me. & my talent. it's just
My very first client is this cool company from Switzerland.
who wanted me to work on a social media project for them. I love it, I'm learning so
much, And I'm writing product reviews, which I love even more, because sometimes
they send me the product.
There is this magazine in the UK who wanted me to write content for their website,
but I think they're dodgy.
what do you think?
tell me what you have been up to poppet?
much hugs & chilled reisling from the Clare Valley! yum!
Apparently, she is the hottest thing since molten lava in American stand-up comedy; she has
her own cable television program on E! Entertainment channel called “Chelsea, Lately,” co-
hosts The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and The View and has won coveted comedy awards
and the hearts of hundreds of thousands of fans.
So, what make my jaw drop and forced me to flip back to re-read sections again just to make
sure I was not hallucinating? First, let’s glance at the cover, shall we? Yes, that is a photo of
Chelsea in a black mini-skirt and corset, standing with her legs spread over…her dog. As her
dog “Chunk” looks up her skirt. Call me conservative, which will be a first, but this image
Not one to be put-off by what is most likely a Photoshopped photo anyway; I delved in,
prepared to be riotously entertained. The entire first chapter, titled “The Feeling,” was about
8-year old Chelsea “falling head over heels in love with herself.” Yes, this means exactly
what it sounds like.
Chelsea proceeds to describe, in great detail: her first experience group-masturbating at an 8-
year old sleep over party, masturbating while wedged into a corner of the lounge in the
presence of various members of her family, masturbating on the school playground and
masturbating at the Thanksgiving dinner table until her parents finally said that is an activity
better indulged in behind closed doors. OK, yes, I was shocked, but was happy to understand
that it is altogether possible Chelsea and her friends were simply VERY early bloomers. The
human body is a beautiful thing and it is important that children are not ashamed of it or
programmed to think of sex as “dirty.”
I’ve always been one to say it doesn’t matter who you love or how you love, just as long as
you love. But this absolutely excludes everything that is not capable of giving its consent,
which means children and animals. I’m not suggesting that Chelsea has relations with her
canine, but in Chapter 10 she confronts her gay, pet-sitter friend Ted of inserting a digit into
her dog Chunk’s nether regions. Eww! Who would think such a thing? Let alone confront a
dear friend about it, particularly when there is no evidence to support such an accusation?
The other chapters detail Chelsea’s uncanny ability to spin a fabricated story into something
resembling what might be truth and duping her boyfriend,