IT leaders are expected to break down silos between different technology teams, get end users to understand and embrace policies, and forge productive relationships with their counterparts on the business side of the organization. This is harder than it sounds, because while people can behave rationally, they can also be governed by emotions such as frustration and fear of change. They can be driven by ego, a bad attitude, or simple ignorance. They can cause conflict that can disrupt professional relationships, drag down a team or even poison an entire department. Unfortunately for technical-minded leaders, there’s no Python script to program company-wide collaboration and harmony and get everyone to sing Kumbaya. We have to learn how to build healthy relationships with employees, drive engagement, and understand how to resolve conflicts using practical, effective strategies.

1. Humans Aren’t
Computers
Effective Management
Strategies for IT
Leaders

2. Who Are We?
• Michele Chubirka, aka "Mrs. Y.,” host of Healthy
Paranoia Podcast, information security feed of
Packetpushers and official nerd stalker.
www.healthyparanoia.net
chubirka@postmodernsecurity.com
@MrsYisWhy
• Joe Weston, workshop facilitator, consultant, and
author of the book Mastering Respectful
Confrontation. Also founder of the Heartwalker
Peace Project.
heartwalker@joeweston.com
http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

3. Who We Aren’t

4. How engaged can you be today?

5. • How many of you started out as engineers
or technical staff?
• Are you happy and energized by this
choice?
• Would you like to improve the quality of
your professional environment?
• Why did you accept a leadership role?

6. What’s the SLA with Our Staff?
• Employees Are the Most Valuable Asset.
• Why is the relationship so challenging?
• Do we treat them better or worse than our
hardware assets?

7. “Leadership is not a rank, it’s a decision.”
-Simon Sinek

8. State of the Workplace

9. According to Wikipedia:
An "engaged employee" is one who is fully
absorbed by and enthusiastic about their
work and so takes positive action to further
the organization's reputation and interests.

10. Gallup’s 2013 State of the American
Workplace
• Engagement brings higher productivity,
profits, customer ratings and employee
retention
• Disengagement costs U.S. $450 to $550
billion per year.
• 70% of American workers are “not
engaged” or “actively disengaged.”
• Those with college degree are less likely to
be engaged.

11. 2012 Global Workforce Study by Towers Watson
• Out of 32,000 full-time workers, only 35%
were highly engaged.
• Employee retention depends on
relationship with management, trust in
senior leadership and ability to manage
work-related stress.
• Less than half surveyed believed that
supervisors have time to address
interpersonal issues.

12. Drivers of Engagement
• Leadership
• Stress, balance and workload
• Goals and objectives
• Supervisors
• Organization’s image

13. Motivation and Engagement
Study sponsored by the Federal Reserve
Bank found three main factors motivate
people in their work.
– Autonomy
– Mastery
– Purpose

14. What Can You Do About It?

15. Power and Leadership in the
21st century

16. Key Areas to Balance for
Successful Leadership
• Productivity
• Relationship
• Self Care

17. “Human beings have discretionary energy,
and they would give it to you if you treat
them with dignity and respect.”
-Paul O’Neill, former Treasury
Secretary of US under George W. Bush

18. When one moves into their
vulnerability,
then their true power is revealed.

23. Brain RTFM

24. "The human brain hasn't had a hardware
upgrade in about 100,000 years."
Daniel Goleman, Author of Emotional
Intelligence

25. Neuroscience 101
Limbic System: The interior of the cortex, includes the hippocampus and
amygdala. Supports emotion and long-term memory.
Prefrontal Cortex: Region responsible for planning, decision making and
moderating behavior.
Think
of
the
limbic
system
to
the
prefrontal
cortex
as
a
horse
is
to
a
rider.

26. Demonstration: A Brain In the
Palm of Your Hand
• Hold up your hand and make a fist.
• This is a good representation of the
brain and spinal column.
• The brain stem, limbic system and
neocortex.
* These two slides are oversimplifications of a very
complex system.

27. The Threat Response: Step 1
Cortex receives input (externally or
internally) from the thalamus, a component
of the limbic system.

28. The Threat Response: Step 2
Limbic system and prefrontal cortex (the
executive or evaluator of the brain) take in
data. Limbic system processes faster.

29. The Threat Response: Step 3
Amygdala, responsible for emotional
response and memory, acts as an alarm
activating the fight/flight hormonal
response if threat is perceived.

30. The Threat Response: 4
The sympathetic nervous system sets up
organs and muscles for fight/flight
response, inhibiting digestion and the
hypothalamus prompts the release of
stress hormones.

31. Emotional Contagion
• The limbic system is an “open loop,”
influenced by other people’s emotions, aka
mirror neurons.
• Mirror neurons activate when an animal
performs an action or when an animal
observes the same action of another
animal.
• They are thought to be the basis of
empathy.
• Also called emotional contagion.

32. The Power of Mirror Neurons
Marie Dasborough observed two groups:
• One group was given negative feedback
accompanied by positive emotional signs,
nods and smiles.
• Another was provided positive feedback
that was delivered using negative
emotional cues, frowns and narrowed
eyes.

33. Entrainment
• Those receiving positive feedback with
negative emotional signs reportedly felt
worse than participants receiving
negative feedback given with positive
emotional cues.
• Your emotions and actions are mirrored
by those around you.

34. Negativity
• The brain has a negativity bias because
the limbic system is quicker than the
prefrontal cortex at perceiving and
analyzing potential threats.
• Traumatic experiences are “stickier” than
positive, happy experiences, i.e. harder
to un-map.

35. No Escape From Threat
• Most are in a permanent state of cortisol
overload due to the constant stressors of
modern life.
• Stress hormones stay in the body for
hours.
• Decreases intellectual capacity, memory
capacity and lowers impulse control.
• Stress makes you stupid.

36. Amygdala Hijack?
An intense and immediate emotional reaction,
followed by the understanding that it was
inappropriate.
• I thought that stick on the ground was a
snake!
• I don’t like you or I’m bored, so I won’t
cooperate or listen to what you have to say.
• That guy who cut me off in traffic was trying
to kill me!
• Why were you so insulting to me in that
email yesterday? (studies show there’s a
negativity bias in email.)
• Other examples?

37. Thin Slicing
• Human beings make quick decisions based
on intuition.
• This is called “Thin Slicing” or “Fast
Thinking.”

38. Thin Slicing: Bedside Manner
• The likelihood of a doctor being sued
doesn’t correlate with the number of
errors made.
• Psychologists are able to predict which
doctors will be sued by analyzing the
amount of time spent with patients and if
the tone of their voices sounded
“concerned.”

39. There’s No Mr. Spock
• Neurologist, Dr. Antonio Damasio, had a
patient who had been a successful
corporate lawyer.
• A tumor was discovered in his prefrontal
lobes and the surgeon who removed it
inadvertently severed the circuit between
this area and his amygdala.

40. Somatic Marker
• No damage to his cognitive abilities, but
his life fell apart.
• He couldn’t make decisions when
presented with simple choices.
• He no longer had any feelings regarding
options, no preferences.
• Case is basis for the Somatic Marker
Hypothesis, a theory that emotions assist
with decision-making.

41. It is a gross
misconception
that reason can
be completely
separated from
emotion.
Bounded Emotionality

42. “Connections” matter

43. How To Engage a Terrorist
Interrogator, Matthew Alexander discovered
that building rapport with prisoners in Iraq
was the most effective interrogation
method, not torture.

44. “The quickest way to get most (but not all)
captives talking is to be nice to them.”
Mark Bowden, author of Black Hawk Down

45. Common Social Heuristics
• Tit for Tat:
– Be kind first, keep a memory of size one, and
imitate your partner’s last behavior.
– Only the last behavior is remembered and
imitated.
– Political scientist Robert Axelrod found this to
be the most frequently winning strategy.
• Don’t Break Ranks

46. Is Efficiency Overrated?
• Study conducted by Gillian M. Sandstrom
and Elizabeth W. Dunn of the University
of British Columbia.
• Participants who “smiled, made eye
contact, and talked with the cashier” at a
coffee shop reported higher satisfaction
and moods than those who avoided
interaction.
• Small, unimportant interactions with
others can create a feeling of connection
according to researchers.

47. Social Connections Matter
• Anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that a
species’ brain size—size of its neocortex,
the outermost layer—is linked to the size
of its social group.
• We have big brains in order to socialize.

48. We’re Wired To Be Social
• In the brain’s non-active moments, it
reverts to a configuration called the
“default network.”
• According to researcher, Matthew
Lieberman, this appears to resemble
another configuration, the social thinking
brain, which is empathetic.

49. Make Stress Your Friend
• A study tracked stress in 30,000 adults
over eight years.
• Researchers found those under great
stress had a 43% increased risk of death,
if they believed stress was dangerous.
• Under stress, the pituitary gland releases
Oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
• Acts as anti-inflammatory which can
counteract negative effects of stress.

50. Your Response to Stress Matters
"When you choose to connect with others
under stress, you can create resilience"
- Kelly McGonigal, health psychologist and
researcher, Stanford University

51. Methods of Engagement
• Interaction based on core competencies
of Emotional Intelligence, such as self-
awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and
motivation.
• Social engineers and con artists use the
same skills to create emotional and social
affinity with a target.
• Conflict resolution methods.

52. “We have to face the fact that either
all of us are going to die together or
we are going to learn to live together,
and if we are to live together we have
to talk.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt

53. Effective Collaboration Levels
Personal
Social
Institutional
Personal + social = institutional change

54. Communication Models Based On Empathy
• XYZ model
• NVC
• Respectful Confrontation

55. Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent
Communication
• Facts or observations
• Feelings
• Needs or what’s “alive”
• Request

56. Joe Weston’s Respectful
Confrontation
• Behavior
• Impact
• Need
• Make a request

57. "Niceness can be a dodge to avoid engaging
in unpleasant interactions."
-Bill Kahn, Ph.D.

59. Goals
• Learn about empowered, collaborative
engagement.
• Reframe views on confrontation,
assertiveness, and true power.
• Achieve greater self-confidence, personal
freedom, fulfillment, and peaceful
interactions with others.

60. My truth ≠ The truth

61. Respectful Confrontation
• The practice of developing the respectful self
• The practice of respectful engagement
• The practice of respectful offense
• The practice of respectful defense

62. 3 F’s
Fight
Flight
Freeze

63. break down your communication, connection, and collaboration.
ICEBERG CHART
BODY LANGUAGE
FACIAL EXPRESSION
PHYSICAL SENSATIONS /
CONDITIONS AND BODY CHALLENGES
SURROUNDINGS / ENVIRONMENT
TEMPERATURE, TIME OF DAY
RELATIONSHIP
POWER DYNAMIC
POWER STATUS
PAST HISTORY
MOOD
EMOTIONS, PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY,
BELIEFS, PREJUDICES, JUDGMENTS,
CULTURE, RACE, GENDER, CUSTOMS,
RELIGION, EDUCATION, LOVE
FEAR, WOUNDS,
NEEDS, DESIRES,
LONGING, TRAUMAS,
INSECURITIES
VERBAL
10%
90%

64. “Hmm, I’d like a cup of tea…”

65. 5 Steps of Clear
Communication
1. Contact with yourself
2. Contact with other
3. Desire/Impulse
4. Act of communication
5. Received message

66. True power = Brute force
Confrontation = Conflict
Assertiveness = Aggression

67. Brute force ≠ true power

68. 4 Pillars of True Power
• Grounding
• Focus
• Strength
• Flexibility

69. Conflict ≠ confrontation

70. “Courage is what it takes to stand
up and speak. Courage is what it
takes to sit down and listen.”
- Winston Churchill

71. 1 : FIGHT, BATTLE, WAR
2 a : competitive or opposing action of
incompatibles : antagonistic state or action
(as of divergent ideas, interests, or
persons) b : mental struggle resulting from
incompatible or opposing needs, drives,
wishes, or external or internal demands;
see DISCORD
Conflict

72. Confront
con·front
1 : to face especially in challenge : OPPOSE
2 a : to cause to meet : bring face-to-face
<confront a reader with statistics> b : to
meet face-to-face : ENCOUNTER

73. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
CONFLICT: an encounter that leads to
the further separation of individuals,
the breakdown of relationship, and
the disempowerment of the other.

74. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
CONFRONTATION: an encounter that
leads to individuals coming closer
together, deepening of relationship,
and the empowerment of all involved.

75. “If you fear making anyone mad,
then you ultimately probe for the
lowest common denominator of
human achievement.”
- Former President, Jimmy
Carter

76. ALIVE
ANNOYED
APPRECIATIVE
CALM
CONFIDENT
CONFUSED
CONTENT
EMBARRASSED
DESPAIRING
DESPERATE
DISAPPOINTED
ECSTATIC
EXCITED
FASCINATED
FRUSTRATED
GLAD
HELPLESS
HURT
INSPIRED
INTERESTED
IRRITABLE
JOYFUL
LONELY
LOVING
MISCHIEVOUS
NERVOUS
OVERWHELMED
PLAYFUL
PUZZLED
SAD
SATISFIED
SCARED
SHOCKED
SUSPICIOUS
TENDER
TIRED
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
FEELINGS
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
PLEASANT / UNPLEASANT

77. DESPAIRING HURT OVERWHELMED TIRED
................................................................................................
NEEDS
................................................................................................
ACCEPTANCE
AUTHENTICITY
BELONGING
CELEBRATION
CLARITY
COOPERATION
CREATIVITY
EASE
EQUALITY
FLOW
FREEDOM
GROWTH
HARMONY
HONESTY
INFLUENCE
INTEGRITY
TO KNOW
LOVE
TO MATTER
MEANING
ORDER
PLAY
POWER
PROTECTION
RESPECT
REST
SAFETY
TO BE SEEN
SUPPORT
SUSTENANCE
TOUCH
UNDERSTANDING

78. VALUES
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
ACCOMPLISHMENT/SUCCESS
ACCOUNTABILITY
ACCURACY
BEAUTY
CALM
CHALLENGE
COLLABORATION
COMMUNITY
COMPETITION
CREATIVITY
DELIGHT IN BEING/JOY
DISCIPLINE
EFFICIENCY
EQUALITY
FAITH
FAMILY
FREEDOM
FRIENDSHIP
FUN
HARD WORK
INDEPENDENCE
INNOVATION
JUSTICE
KNOWLEDGE
LEADERSHIP
LOVE/ROMANCE
LOYALTY
MONEY
PEACE/NON-VIOLENCE
PLEASURE
POWER
PROSPERITY/WEALTH
SERVICE
SIMPLICITY
SKILL
STATUS
TRADITION
TRUTH
WISDOM
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Choose ten values from the list

79. Aggression ≠ Assertiveness

80. Assertive
1 : disposed to or characterized by bold or
confident assertion <an assertive leader>
2 : having a strong or distinctive flavor or
aroma <assertive wines>

81. Aggressive
1 a: tending toward or exhibiting aggression
<aggressive behavior> b: marked by
combative readiness <an aggressive fighter>
2 a: marked by obtrusive energy b: marked by
driving forceful energy or
initiative : enterprising <an aggressive
salesman>
3: strong or emphatic in effect or intent
<aggressive colors> <aggressive flavors>
4: growing, developing, or spreading rapidly
<aggressive bone tumors>

82. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
AGGRESSION: any behavior, action,
remark, gesture, or facial expression
that impacts another with the goal to
disempower and/or is received by the
other in a harmful, threatening way.

83. Respectful Confrontation
Definition
ASSERTIVENESS: any behavior,
action, remark, gesture, or facial
expression that impacts another with
the goal to empower and/or is
received by the other in a positive
way.

84. “With realization of one’s potential, and
self-confidence in one’s ability, one can
build a better world.”
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

85. “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water
will wear away rock, which is rigid and
cannot yield.... what is soft is strong.”
- Lao Tzu

86. http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

87. Key Takeaways
• Bad trumps good in the human brain.
• You can’t turn your emotions off or leave them at
home. It’s like wearing a bad toupee. You aren’t
fooling anyone.
• If the limbic system is an open loop, we’re all
responsible for the quality of the emotional
landscape.
• Stress makes you stupid, by shutting down blood
flow to the critical pre-frontal lobes. If you set off
a stress response in someone, you minimize the
chance of having a rational dialogue.
• Confrontation isn’t always negative. Resistance to
change can be a valuable source of feedback.

88. Where Can You Find Us?
Michele Chubirka, spending quality time in kernel
mode.
http://www.healthyparanoia.net
Twitter @MrsYisWhy
Google+ MrsYisWhy
networksecurityprincess@gmail.com
Joe Weston, writing and teaching workshops.
http://www.respectfulconfrontation.com/

89. References
Esfahani Smith, Emily. "Social Connection Makes a Better Brain." The Atlantic 29 Oct. 2013: n. pag.
Print.
Global Workforce Study - Engagement at Risk: Driving Strong Performance in a Volatile Global
Environment. Rep. no. TW-NA-2012-25644. N.p.: Towers Watson, 2012. Print.
Goleman, Daniel, and Richard Boyatzis. "Social Intelligence and the Biology of Leadership." Harvard
Business Review Sept. 2008: 74-81. Print.
Goleman, Daniel. Working with Emotional Intelligence. New York: Bantam, 1998. Print.
Hanson, Rick, and Richard Mendius. Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love &
Wisdom. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2009. Print.
Kryder, Suzanne. The Mind to Lead. N.p.: NeuroLeap, 2011. Print.
Luders, Eileen, Florian Kurth, Emeran A. Mayer, Arthur W. Toga, Katherine L. Narr, and Christian
Gaser. "The Unique Brain Anatomy of Meditation Practitioners: Alterations in Cortical Gyrification."
Frontiers in Human Neuroscience 6.34 (2012): 1-9. Print.
O'Connell, Andrew. "HBR Blog Network / The Daily Stat." Harvard Business Review. Harvard Business
Review, 30 Oct. 2013. Web. 02 Nov. 2013.
Pink, Daniel H. Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us. New York, NY: Riverhead, 2009.
Print.
Pink, Daniel. "Why Bosses Need to Show Their Soft Side." The Telegraph 17 July 2011: n. pag. Print.
Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer,
2003. Print.
Siegel, Daniel J. The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-being. New
York: W.W. Norton, 2007. Print.
State of the American Workplace: Employee Engagement Insights for U.S. Business Leaders. Rep.
N.p.: Gallup, 2013. Print.
Weston, Joe. Mastering Respectful Confrontation: A Guide to Personal Freedom and Empowered,
Collaborative Engagement. Emeryville, CA: Heartwalker, 2011. Print.