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Pre Deployment Marriage Class

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Class Developed for Military Couples Prior to Deployment

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Pre Deployment Marriage Class

  1. 1. Pre-Deployment Marriage Seminar CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews TF-Ram Chaplain 29 NOV 07
  2. 2. Pre-Deployment Marriage Seminar CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews TF-Ram Chaplain 29 NOV 07
  3. 3. Purpose <ul><li>To Open the Door to Communication Between the Spouses </li></ul><ul><li>To Assist the Couples in Preparing For Deployment </li></ul><ul><li>To Encourage Couples that Hardships Can Be Overcome </li></ul><ul><li>To Provide Resources for Increasing Marriage Survivability </li></ul>
  4. 4. References <ul><li>The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective: U.S. Army Medical Department Journal. Apr-Jun 2001by LTC Simon H. Pincus, USA, MC, COL Robert House, USAR, MC, LTC (P) Joseph Christenson, USA, MC, and CAPT Lawrence E. Adler, MC, USNR-R </li></ul><ul><li>The 7 Stages of Marriage by Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage . </li></ul><ul><li>50 Ways to Woo Your Lover. By Gregory J.P. Godek. http://www.rd.com/content/50-ways-to-woo-your-lover . </li></ul><ul><li>http://www.rand.org/pubs/monographs/2007/RAND_MG599.pdf Karney, B.R., & Crown. J.S. (2007). Families under stress: An assessment of data, theory and research on marriage and divorce in the military. Santa Monica, CA: The RAND Corporation. </li></ul><ul><li>RAND Study Finds Divorce Among Soldiers Has Not Spiked Higher Despite Stress Created By Battlefield Deployments http://www.rand.org/news/press/2007/04/12/index3.html </li></ul><ul><li>Military Service and Marriage: A Review of ResearchNational Healthy Marriage Resource Center. http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/docs/review_mmilitarylife.pdf </li></ul><ul><li>One Day Redeployment Marriage Workshop. CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews, 1-101 AVN. 2006. </li></ul><ul><li>Strengthening Marriages. 501st Special Troops Battalion,101st Airborne Division. CH(MAJ) Matthew Wysocki. </li></ul><ul><li>Improving Communication. PowerPoint Presentation. </li></ul><ul><li>Anger Management: A Solution Focused Approach. PowerPoint Presentation. </li></ul><ul><li>Speaking the Same Language: excerpts from The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Love Is A Dance; Pre-Deployment Marriage Seminar Presented to Families at Ft. Campbell, KY. 2005. </li></ul><ul><li>Rainey, Dennis (Editor). Preparing for Marriage:The Complete Guide To Help You Discover God’s Plan For A Lifetime Of Love. Gospel Light, Venturea, California. 1997. </li></ul><ul><li>Strong Bonds: For the 101st Airborne Division and their loved ones. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc. 2007. </li></ul><ul><li>PREP: The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc. 1997 </li></ul><ul><li>The Marriage Doctor(TM) Is In! Seven Stages of Marriage Interview Videos with co- author Dr. Rita DeMaria. http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/ *Used quotes of Dr. Rita DeMaria,during the presentation of the Seven Stages. </li></ul><ul><li>Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report . http://www.rd.com/content/marriage-today-what-1001-couples-report/ </li></ul><ul><li>Chapman, Gary. The Five Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing, Chicago, Illinois. 1995. </li></ul>
  5. 5. Overview <ul><li>Seven Stages of Marriage </li></ul><ul><li>Deployment </li></ul><ul><li>Communication </li></ul><ul><li>Creating Intimacy </li></ul><ul><li>Recommended Resources </li></ul>
  6. 6. Seven Stages of Marriage Based on the book:The 7 Stages of Marriage Laughter, Intimacy and Passion: Today, Tomorrow, Forever. By Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. Reader’s Digest. 2007. and http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage
  7. 7. STAGE 1: PASSION “ Romance and Falling in Love”*
  8. 8. STAGE 2: REALIZATION “ Facing Everyday Reality of What it Means to be Living Together”*
  9. 9. STAGE 3: REBELLION “ The Couple Begins to Ask Themselves; How much conflict are we having? How is the conflict resolving? Is my general mood toward my partner one of feeling good or one of frustration?”*
  10. 10. STAGE 4: COOPERATION “ Understanding that Marriage is a team effort”
  11. 11. STAGE 5: REUNION “ Focus returns back to the marriage.”*
  12. 12. STAGE 6: EXPLOSION “ Something Big is Happening”*
  13. 13. STAGE 7: COMPLETION Trust, Fun, Passion, Blessing, Meaning, and Purpose into your Marriage.
  14. 14. The Seven Stages of Marriage <ul><li>STAGE 1: PASSION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 2: REALIZATION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 3: REBELLION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 4: COOPERATION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 5: REUNION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 6: EXPLOSION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 7: COMPLETION </li></ul>
  15. 16. The Seven Stages of Marriage <ul><li>STAGE 1: PASSION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 2: REALIZATION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 3: REBELLION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 4: COOPERATION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 5: REUNION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 6: EXPLOSION </li></ul><ul><li>STAGE 7: COMPLETION </li></ul>
  16. 17. Deployment
  17. 18. The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective Adapted from Article Published in the Apr-Jun 2001 edition of U.S. Army Medical Department Journal. Time Adjusted from Six Month Model to 15 Month Model
  18. 19. Pre-Deployment <ul><li>Time frame: months prior to departure </li></ul><ul><li>Anticipation of loss vs denial </li></ul><ul><li>Train-up/long hours away </li></ul><ul><li>Getting affairs in order </li></ul><ul><li>Mental/physical distance </li></ul><ul><li>Arguments </li></ul>
  19. 20. Deployment <ul><li>Time frame: first month </li></ul><ul><li>Mixed emotions/relief </li></ul><ul><li>Disoriented/overwhelmed </li></ul><ul><li>Numb, sad, alone </li></ul><ul><li>Sleep difficulty </li></ul><ul><li>Security issues </li></ul>
  20. 21. Sustainment <ul><li>Time frame: months 2 thru 12 </li></ul><ul><li>New routines established </li></ul><ul><li>New sources of support </li></ul><ul><li>Feel more in control </li></ul><ul><li>Independence </li></ul><ul><li>Confidence (&quot;I can do this&quot;) </li></ul>
  21. 22. Re-Deployment <ul><li>Time frame: months 12 thru 15 </li></ul><ul><li>Anticipation of homecoming </li></ul><ul><li>Excitement </li></ul><ul><li>Apprehension </li></ul><ul><li>Burst of energy/&quot;nesting&quot; </li></ul><ul><li>Difficulty making decisions </li></ul>
  22. 23. Post-Deployment <ul><li>Time frame: 3 to 6 months after deployment </li></ul><ul><li>Honeymoon period </li></ul><ul><li>Loss of independence </li></ul><ul><li>Need for &quot;own&quot; space </li></ul><ul><li>Renegotiating routines </li></ul><ul><li>Reintegrating into family </li></ul>
  23. 24. Deployment Deployment Pre-deployment 11 Soldier Spouse/Family Sustainment Redeployment Post-Deployment
  24. 25. Communication
  25. 26. Authentic Communication from Preparing for Marriage. P140 Authentic Communication is much more than just talking.
  26. 27. Speaker/Listener Technique <ul><li>Rules for Speaker </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Speak for yourself, don’t mind read </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Keep statements brief, don’t go on and on </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Stop to let others paraphrase </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Rules for the Listener </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Paraphrase what you hear </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Focus on speaker’s message. Don’t rebut </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Rules for Both </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Speaker has the floor, keeps until understood </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Share the Floor </li></ul></ul>
  27. 28. Time Out
  28. 29. Not a good time... We can bring up issues at any time, but the “listener” can say “this is not a good time.” If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.
  29. 30. Fun, Friendship, Sensuality, & Spirituality <ul><li>Make time for the great things: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>fun </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>friendship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>sensuality </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Spirituality </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues. </li></ul>
  30. 31. Creating Intimacy
  31. 32. Speaking the Same Language excerpts from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
  32. 33. <ul><li>WORDS OF AFFIRMATION </li></ul><ul><li>QUALITY TIME </li></ul><ul><li>RECEIVING GIFTS </li></ul><ul><li>ACTS OF SERVICE </li></ul><ul><li>PHYSICAL TOUCH </li></ul>The Five Love Languages
  33. 34. Discovering Your Primary Love Language <ul><li>Basic questions to ask: </li></ul><ul><li>What do you request the most? </li></ul><ul><li>What makes you feel the most loved? </li></ul><ul><li>What hurts you deeply? </li></ul><ul><li>What do you desire most of all? </li></ul>
  34. 35. Love Language #1:Words Of Affirmation <ul><li>Compliments, words of encouragement, and requests rather than demands all affirm the self worth of your spouse. </li></ul>
  35. 36. If your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service: <ul><li>Make al list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks and do one as an expression of love. </li></ul><ul><li>Choose to do one act of service that your spouse has nagged about consistently. </li></ul><ul><li>Periodically ask your spouse, “If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?” If possible, do it. </li></ul>
  36. 37. If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation: 1. Remind yourself with 3x5 card by phone or computer that says “Words are Important! Words are Important! Words are Important!” 2. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month. 3. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse. 4. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths.
  37. 38. Love Language #2:Quality Time <ul><li>Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that we truly care for and enjoy each other. </li></ul>
  38. 39. If your spouse’s love language is Quality Time: <ul><li>Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that she would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the first months after your reunion. </li></ul><ul><li>Make time at least 3-4 times per week to share with each other some of the events (within OPSEC guidelines) of since the last call. </li></ul><ul><li>3. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once a month. Set aside a call each month to focus on your history. </li></ul>
  39. 40. Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts <ul><li>Gifts are visual symbols of love, they demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship. </li></ul>
  40. 41. If your spouse’s love language is Receiving Gifts: <ul><li>Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week. </li></ul><ul><li>2. Make a gift for your spouse. </li></ul><ul><li>3. Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself. </li></ul>
  41. 42. Love Language #4:Acts of Service <ul><li>Acts of service should be freely given and received, and completed as requested. </li></ul>
  42. 43. Love Language #5:Physical Touch <ul><li>Physical touch, as a gesture of love, reaches to the depths of our being. As a love language, it is a powerful form of communication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss. </li></ul>
  43. 44. If your spouse’s love language is Physical Touch: <ul><li>As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand. </li></ul><ul><li>While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and initiate a shoulder massage. </li></ul><ul><li>Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. </li></ul><ul><li>When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in their presence. </li></ul>
  44. 45. What do I need to Hear in Iraq or at Home?
  45. 46. Recommended Resources
  46. 47. You can get help and support! <ul><li>For the Soldier </li></ul><ul><li>Battle Buddy </li></ul><ul><li>Other soldiers </li></ul><ul><li>Friends </li></ul><ul><li>Other family members </li></ul><ul><li>Chaplains </li></ul><ul><li>Chain of command </li></ul><ul><li>Counseling Services </li></ul><ul><li>For the Spouse </li></ul><ul><li>Other family members </li></ul><ul><li>Friends </li></ul><ul><li>FRG </li></ul><ul><li>Rear D </li></ul><ul><li>Chaplains </li></ul><ul><li>Church community </li></ul><ul><li>Counseling services </li></ul>
  47. 48. Online Resources <ul><li>Military One Source </li></ul><ul><ul><li>www.militaryonesource.com </li></ul></ul><ul><li>My Army Life Too </li></ul><ul><ul><li>http://www.myarmylifetoo.com </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Army vFRG </li></ul><ul><ul><li>https://www.armyfrg.org </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Readers Digest: 7 Stages of Marriage </li></ul><ul><ul><li>http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/ </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Family Life </li></ul><ul><ul><li>http:// www.familylife.com / </li></ul></ul><ul><li>LovingYou.com </li></ul><ul><ul><li>http:// www.lovingyou.com / </li></ul></ul>
  48. 49. Parents Helping Children Cope With Deployment Online Resource with Parent/Child Video Parents Video http://www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/
  49. 50. Pre-Deployment Marriage Seminar CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews TF-Ram Chaplain www.chaplainandrews.com

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