THE 5 STUPIDEST THINGS BATMAN HASEVER DONEMay 9, 2013 · by Brad Salt ·I have been a Batman fan as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories involves me running aroundin a Batman cape, leaping off of the top of a slippery dip in an attempt to get my little black bat cape to flutter inthe wind on the way down. I am told that when I regained consciousness on the way to the hospital the firstthing I asked was ”Did I look Like Batman?”. All this is to say that I have spent countless hours engrossed inBatman’s many adventures fighting crime and fixing wrongs in Gotham city, The United States of America andeven in outer space.But Batman was first published in 1939, which means that as well as having been around for over 60 years,Batman was alive and active throughout the 70′s, and no one got out of the 70′s without a little bit of braindamage. This has led to more than a few moments that Mr Wayne would rather we all forgot. Let’s take a lookat 5 stupidest things that Batman has ever done.DrugsAccording to every source ever, the 60′s and 70′s were a wild time, even for the perpetually stoic Batman. No,Batman would never do drugs, I hear you cry. Ok then, can you offer another explanation for some of theSuperVillains he faced during that time….Yeah, in order from left to right that’s The Rainbow creature, Kite-Man, and The Calculator. The worstpart is that Kite Man and the Calculator actually gave Batman a serious run for his money. You know its time toease up on the sauce when a dude whose superpower is a hang glider kicks your ass.The Rainbow Creature as well as a few other of the more ridiculous villains were eventually retconned out,dismissed as a hallucination brought on by Batman’s repeated exposure to chemical weapons from his manyenemies.
In other words, Batman’s drug addled mind was just plain making shit up.Which actually does go a long way to explaining things like this….To be fair, there were a lot of lovely camp moments from the early Bronze and Silver ages of Batman including…Special Incest MentionOk, lastly, before we move on from the early era Batman, we have to give special mention to Catwoman’sBrother, Karl Kyle, The King of Cats.Throughout his very special episode, The King of Cats tries to convince his sister to get back into the crimegame, so that they can rule Gotham together. Batman eventually investigates The King of Cats and discoversCatwoman’s involvement, but she refuses to rat her brother out because he is family. Batman doesn’t know thatthey are related, which leads him to the conclusion that she loves him, romantically. And with panels like theone below who can blame him.
Why yes, those are little love hearts there emanating from the King of Cats as he roughly grabs his sister.Eventually Catwoman convinces her brother to stay out of her pants, to “take his medicine” and go to jail,whereupon Batman and Robin discover that the two are actually related and proceed to vomit profusely.Let Kevin Smith Anywhere Near Him.Let me preface this by saying that I am a pretty big Kevin Smith fan, but oh man, these have to be by far, byFAR, the worst, most puerile Batman comics in existence. Throughout these 6 comics, Smith took everythingthat makes Batman great, and shit all over it from a very great height. Instead of infusing Batman with theintelligent charm of something like Dogma, or Chasing Amy, he settled for piss and dick jokes straight from Jayand Silent Bob.For example.Yeah, he made Batman piss his pants.
But that’s not even the worst thing that he did. Smith took thisopportunity play out every single one of his own infantileBatman fetishes, thereby ensuring that no one above 13 yearsold could possibly gather a shred of entertainment from any ofthese stories.The Widening Gyre starts out with Batman and Robin fighting aNazi superhero, moves on to show us just a how good a loverBatman is (10 times in a row!) only to discover that early on inlife Bruce Wayne was statutorily raped by a college student.Then Batman starts slapping his lover around becausehe suspects her of being a robot. I could not make this shitup if I tried.Perhaps this quote from Wikipedia might go a long way toexplaining this idiocy.“I’ve been writing this Batman: The Widening Gyre miniseries, and I’m stoned all the timewhen I’m writing it. And, I swear, I’ll write it, and then, it’s not so much blackout, but forget, somuch so that the next morning, I go to read what I wrote, and it’s, like, I’m that cobbler and elvescame and wrote it in the night, because I’m, like, “This is better than anything I’ve ever writtenbefore.” I mean, like, I’ve done comics, but this is way better.”That seems to be about as coherent as he gets.Our last piece of evidence is from our overlord supreme, Google. A simple search for the Worst BatmanComics gives you this suggestion.
The Evil That Shall Not Be NamedA movie so bad it almost killed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career. Yes, that’s right, a career thatsurvived Junior,Twins and Jingle All The Way and was thought to be as indestructible as the man himself,took years to recover from this movie, which boasts an impressive 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, thinkback to the last time you saw Alicia Silverstone and Chris O”Donnell in anything. Even these 4 sentences aremore than I ever wanted to write about this abortion of cinema, so let us move on.
Christian Bale’s Batman VoiceI understand that Mr Nolan was trying to create a dark, gritty, more serious version of Batman than the previouscampy movies. But the moment that I heard Christian Bale do his Patty and Selma version of Batman, I giggledlike a little school girl. It really offset any kind of development of seriousness that the movies were trying todevelop.Save The Jokers LifeNo I’m not talking about simply not letting him fall off a building ala The Dark Knight, I’m talking aboutBatman going out of his way to save The Jokers life. I’mtalking about The Joker: Devil’s advocate. In thisstory (Spoilers Ahoy!) The Joker is falsely accused ofmurder after being set by the husband of one of the Jokersmany, many victims, and is subsequently sentenced to death.Batman investigates the crime to find that The Joker is indeedinnocent and proceeds go out of his wayto gather enough evidence to stop the execution.What this essentially means is that every single person that TheJoker kills here on in puts blood on Batman’s hands.But Batman doesn’t kill, I hear you say, Batman is all aboutJustice and the Law. So where is the Justice for the 2000 oddlives thatDevils Advocate notes that The Joker has taken? Oh,he’s in Jail now, Justice is served. I’m sure the citizens ofGotham City all feel safe now, its not like he has a chronichistory of breaking out of maximum security compounds andthen murdering people for fun.But break out and murder he does.In A Rage in Arkham, released around 6 months after DevilsAdvocate, the Joker kills an entire classroom of kindergartenchildren. An entire classroom of children that would be alivetoday had it not been for Batman’s actions in Devils Advocate.Oh but Batman’s dogmatic morality means that he cannot let
him die, that the letter of the Law must be served. Ok then, can I see your license and registration for the highpowered, rocket propelled, armored vehicle that you are driving around Gotham City please Mr Batman. Can wesee where you have listed the Bat-Plane in your assets in your tax returns?Even Gordon and Robin both question the sense of it all, and when Robin starts calling you out on your shit,you know it is time to take a good hard long look at yourself.“Its over” Yeah Bats, Im sure the Joker will never ever EVER escape again. Its InconCEIVABLE.This is not to say that it was entirely out of character for Batman, or that Devils Advocate wasn’t a great story,just to admit that sometimes, every now and then, Batman is a complete and utter f*cking dick.Source: http://www.twentysixdollars.com/2013/05/the-5-stupidest-things-batman-has-ever-done/