The Family Guy meets Desperate Housewives
Welcome to East Larb, home to the swamp, which West Larb
the Manners family. It's a sleepy had previously sunk into. The
little berg full of teenage twits, no- town is bordered on the west by
account ne'er-do-wells, unfaithful a vast sea of garbage and on the
spouses, white trash They've got more east by a monolithic ind-
dirty laundry ustrial eyesore called
Romeos trailer park
trollops and power mad than the men's Tarlton Fats. It is the
correction facility largest fat rendering plant
got more dirty laundry in Chino California. in the tri-state area and
than the men's correction facility the chief employer in East Larb.
in Chino California. Back in the Two powerful dynasties, the
70's, Old Man Slyde-Welle sold Slyde-Welles and the Tarltons
West Larb to the government. An rule the town. It's the classic
interstate freeway was built that story of old families with no
his weekly animated
was going to put Larb on the map. money and new money with
dramedy focuses on
This freeway promptly sank into no taste.
all the white trash back
stabbing, incest, evil twins
and multiple personalities
in the smelly town of East
Larb, and more specifically
on the Manners family and
their daughter, Blythe; a
teenage girl whose perfect
life is driving her insane.
Frank and Sunny are the proud
parents of the perfect Blythe Manners.
She hates her parents for under-
standing her, and thinks, “If you really
loved me you get a divorce!” She begs
her mom to become alcoholic or her
dad to have an affair to make her life
seem more pitiful. She even wishes
she was more intelligent so she could
be complex. Frank is a world-
renowned explorer, biologist, botanist,
archeologist, ping-pong champion and
photographer for rational Geographic
magazine. He is true-blue, fearless
and well, perfect. Sunny is everything
Martha Stewart aspires to be. She
makes Betty Crocker look like a
Denny’s fry-cook. She’s a best-selling
suspense novelist; the worlds champ
at Pictionary, an internationally famous
performer of interpretative dance and
a pretty fair modern jazz lute player.
She does everything with flair, taste,
grace, and class.
Carlton Tarlton owns all of the most
valuable things in East Larb. He has
perfect female breasts, which are
revealed deep into season one that
he straps down before going to the
office.Carlton is a clean freak and an
obsessive-compulsive. He is having
an affair with Asia Wienbaum, his
wife’s best friend . His wife, Charlene
is the ice queen, a spoiled rich society
bitch with no life of her own that feeds
on the sordid lives of her fellow
Larbians like a vampire. Carlton
bought her a swanky little boutique
called ‘Feminine Wiles’ that caters to
divorcees and women preparing to
commit adultery. This is the gossip
hub of the female community.
The Slyde-Welle family lives in their
ancestral manse, Slyde-Welle Hall. The
hall sits on a promontory over-looking the
sea of garbage, which laps up on the
shores of East Larb. Old Man Slyde-
Welle is so bitter, he can put a cucumber
in his pocket and in one hour, viola! It’s a
pickle! Slyde-Welle is probably the most
feared and hated man in town. Almost all
of his bodily systems have failed him save
his bile ducts and diarrhea gland.
Bannister is a spoiled, no-good, cowardly,
snobby, rich, playboy, liar, who is always
trying to find the best way to screw you
over. He is the heir-apparent to the
Slyde-Welle throne and the owner of a
seedy local nightclub called the ‘Pink
Needle’. Sienna is the young attractive,
shrew daughter of the old man. When
she and her brother aren’t trying to best
each other or plotting their father’s murder,
they plan the ruin of the rest of the town.
Druthers is the butler for the Slyde-Welles.
He does the old man’s dirty work, which
includes getting rid of dead bodies. He
also gets rid of bodies for the whole town
on a free-lance basis.
Caleb is in 2nd Grade and is 17 years
old. He is the mean one and Ezekial is
the cruel one. Ezekial’s 14. He’s also
in the second grade. They are the
Thomas Edison and Louis Pasture of
mayhem, torture and vandalism.
Their favorite movies are ‘Night of the
Hunter’, ‘Taxi Driver’, and The Deer
Hunter’. The only person they fear is
their stepfather, Father Liebenvonhast.
Their real fathers (as yet unknown to
them) are Old Man Slyde-Welle and
Carlton Tarlton. Minnie is mother to
the Hoover boys who were both born
out of wedlock. Minnie is enormous.
In fact, she was voted Lard Queen at
the county Fat Stock Show ten years
running. Larb men love her.
Episode 1 other hand Blythe wants more graphed the barf exchange stories.
than anything to be like her, with Huffhinds. It is Carlton
to follow her, to go through Tarlton, heinous billionaire. A In a confessional Goldie
Written by Bob Camp and Joe
her garbage. woman’s hand with an shares her wisdom on
enormous diamond ring gives boyfriends of girlfriends, the
The Hoover Brothers sit with him a dossier on Dink, its boyfriends of girlfriends.
Open on a panorama of the
their Uncle Grandpa, Tarlton’s wife Charlene, town
cruddy little industrial town
exchanging sucker punches gossip and demolisher of Little do the girls know that,
known as East Larb. It lies
and tit twisters. They are lives. the Hoover Bros. are hiding
along the shores of an
wild-eyed, practically feral under the bed stealing money
enormous lake of garbage,
boys with a God-given gift for Later at Blythe’s house a from the girl’s purses while
Rising from this sea of refuse
vandalism. bunch of the girls are over for Teddy Huffhinds, town
on a promontory rock looms
a slumber party complete with pervert, takes photos from the
the aging Victorian mansion,
Sitting all by himself at a pillow fights and cute sleep- closet.
Slyde-Welle Hall. East Larb is
booth playing army with a wear. Blythe’s mother, Sunny
home to Tarlton Fats, the
battalion of dead flies is Manners makes an appear- Suddenly Angel Le Flyee
largest fat rendering plant in
Pubert Hosepipe, known to all ance. She is everything makes an uninvited entrance.
the tri-state area.
as a Corndog. Martha Stewart aspires to be. She is a long legged black
She is stunning in her floral chick wearing the hottest little
Cut to the Exterior of the Eat
Meanwhile Boyd Cavanaugh, print dress, hair done up in a kitty kat nighty ever worn.
me Burger. favorite after
who can’t stand seeing French twist, frilly apron, high Angel and Goldie lock eyes.
school hangout for the
someone enjoy a good meal, heels and pearls. She has Suddenly the whole world
students of G. Gordon Liddy
tells Blythe, who sits with her brought treats for the girls. On comes to a stop. Angel says,
High School. Inside Boyd
boyfriend Dink, that her a cart she reveals Fois Gras “Oh Blythe, I thought this was
Cavanaugh, the proprietor
burger is really made of fallen pizza, flaming Cherries
spikes his milkshake with a a slumber party but I guess
cows. After dropping dead, for Jubilee and a keg of Tab.
pint of ol’ Hiney Pine liquor. (looking at Goldie) it’s turned
whatever reason, the burger Blythe is mortified by the
into a …Ho-down.”
joint buys, at a discount, and display of domestic perfec-
Blythe Manners, our heroine
Goldie spews, “Blythe is my
we pass the savings on to tion.
walks up to the counter. She
friend so you can just turn
you, the customer. Horrified
is an attractive teenage girl
your big ass around and hit
Blythe yaks into Dink’s paper She tells us about how
who obviously comes of good
cup. Dink is inspired by the horrible it is to have her
breading and money. She the road.” This is Titwillow turf
sheer economic genius of parents. “Why can’t they be
orders a Double Donkey bitch.”
turning waste into profit. alcoholics and have affairs
Burger and a jumbo cheese
like normal parents.”
A horrible catfight breaks out
A couple of other girls sigh
In a confessional, Blythe
sending the other girls flying
deeply at the creep hunk. Blythe’s dad, “Handsome”
shows her lack of brainpower
down the stairs.
Outside Teddy Huffhinds is Frank Manners enters the
by telling us her stupid
selling a pair of panties he room. He is hard-bodied,
theories on Shakespeare and
swears were recently worn by tanned outdoorsy type with
Ancient Rome. Teddy Huffhinds (pockets
the lovely Miss Titwillow to a rugged good looks and a overflowing with panties) and
runty kid with braces. snazzy khaki safari outfit.
We pan around the restaurant
the Hoover boys dive for he
One girl asks Frank to tell
and meet the other kids
window just as Sheriff
Dink, filled with entrepreneur- them a story. All the girls
including Goldie Titwillow who
ial zeal, runs outside and, plead, “ Oh pleeeeeaaaze?”
holds court with her band of
being a bully, forces Huffhinds Blythe is totally humiliated.
sycophant friends. She’s a
to buy the cup of barf for five Frank kisses all the girls
fluffy pink kitten with claws Huddled in a corner covered
bucks. goodnight. They all sing,
that’ll tear your eyes out! in Cherry Jubilee, Blythe
“Goodniiight Mr. Maaan-
seems to be crying. She
Dink explains to the viewers neeerrs.”
In another confessional
raises her head and we see
that in a confessional his
Blythe tells us all about her
that she is shedding tears of
Calvinist theories about The girls decide to tell scary
friend Goldie. On one hand
bullying for fun and profit. stories. Goldie Titwillow, joy. Yes. Now things are
she despises her, calling her
wearing her nastiest little
a slut and questions the getting good.
Nearby, a mysterious figure in baby-doll jimmies, begins
realness of her boobs. On the
a black limousine has photo- telling one of her girl’s prison
Episode 2 Caleb tells Corndog that the That tears it! Clearly her to avoid hitting a fallen tree.
doll is made of chocolate. parents are insane. Blythe Bright lights burst in from all
They force hi to bite sown on informs them that she is directions. Instantly, all four
Written by Bob Camp and Joe
Rowdy Ron’s head. The running away from home with teens are rendered uncon-
horror is almost too much for her boyfriend, Dink the bully, scious.
Corndog’s tiny brain. and be poor and live on love
and probably get pregnant
Across town, there is a big and they had better not try to
It’s a rainy afternoon at the
up in a
commotion at the Manners stop her. Sunny says that
Eat Me Burger restaurant.
house. Blythe is throwing a fit they thought she would feel
Fernando serves Corndog a
because of the way her that way and hands over
Happity Meal with a free
parents, Frank and Sunny, Blythe’s backpack, sleeping
Rowdy Ron Danger ranger
have treated her since the bag, a box of condoms, keys
action figure inside. He
slumber party debacle. They to the Mercedes and the gold
tosses away the Donkey Jr.
by high tech
had embarrassed her in front card. “Just call and let us
burger (which hits Caleb
of her friends by under know where to send your
Hoover in the head). From
reacting to the situation. homework, dear.”
his deranged POV the doll is
“Oh no”, she screams “I’m not
a living 6-foot super hero. It
Blythe confesses, talking falling for that one.” “I’m
is a magical moment.
candidly about her horrible staying!!” Frank says that
Fernando kicks at Boyd who
relationship with her Mom they thought she might say
is passes out on the floor.
and dad. that too and announces that
they are running away
Caleb Hoover glares murder-
instead to give her some
ously at Corndog while eating
“If they loved room. They hop in the car Everything is warped and
the burger from atop his
and drive off. Blythe screams goes in and out of focus. He
me then and flops around like a carp is strapped to some kind of
in the front yard. operating table.
Boyd rises up peering over
the counter. “That’s what I
A pick-up truck pulls up. It’s A figure in strange coveralls
like about the Eat Me Burger”.
divorced like Dink! She’s saved! Blythe with gloves and a mask
Fernando replies, “Yep, you
stands up, turns around stands over Dink. Hoses
get dinner AND a show”.
normal toward the house and hurls come from under Dink’s
the keys to the Mercedes at a wraps. The figure turns on a
Corndog giggles lovingly at
parents.” window. At the last second loud pumping machine, which
his wonderful costumed
the window blows open sends Dink into convulsions.
allowing the keys to fly safely The hooded figure leans in,
through. The keys land on lifting the hood slightly
Rowdy Ron tells us in a
the hook marked “Mom’s revealing full, red lips. The
confessional all about Corn-
Blythe starts whipping Mercedes”. Defeated, Blythe figure slams Dink with a
dog whom he pities. “Maybe
around, losing control. Her climbs into the pick-up. She passionate, grinding kiss.
I could help Pubert, if I was
parents have thoughtfully now sits, squeezed in- Dink’s eyes roll back into his
cleared a space for her between Dink and the Hoover head and he passes out
tantrum so she won’t get hurt. boys. They are on their way smiling.
The Hoover Brother rudely
Blythe goes ballistic and back from the local Bully’s
interrupts Corndog’s bliss.
starts slapping her own face, Union meeting. They are
Rowdy Ron escapes in a puff
“You’re not listening to me!” having a grand time talking
of fear turning back into a
Frank hands her an irreplace- about winning the Wedgies
able heirloom, the urn pull and getting the gold
containing the ashes of his medal in the Indian Burn
In a duel confessional the
great grandmother, Brysk competition. Dink advises
Hoovers tell us that they are
Manners. “Here honey, that the boys look beyond the
entitled to beat up Corndog
you’re gonna want to break obvious pleasures of bullying
for allowing him to hang
something, you know, to blow and discover the rich cultural
around with them.
off steam.” heritage of the bullying arts.
Suddenly Dink hits the brakes
Episode 3 cab of the pick up truck. He announcing to Old Man that bumping her head. He
looks down at the sleeping he is leaving to take the apologizes embarrassed at
Written by Bob Camp and Joe girl in his arms. She is so madam for her drive now. Old his unforgivable blunder,
Orrantia beautiful. In her sleep, Blythe Man Slyde-Welle burps “Pardon madam”. Druthers
mumbles, “I’ll join a convent approvingly. then disappear into the
It is dusk in East Larb.
and stop plucking my behemoth factory. Inside
eyebrows and, I’ll smoke Outside the Slyde-Welle limo Druthers walks along a
Dink wakes up behind the
non-filter cigarettes, and then Snakes it’s way along the catwalk high above a giant
wheel of his truck with Blythe
you’ll be sorry”. Dink tosses drive leading down through vat of boiling fat and dumps
and the Hoover boys passed
her over his shoulder then the endless plane of garbage. the tightly wrapped figure into
out on the seat next to him.
scrambles up a tree like an the hot frothy tallow.
He suddenly feels something
ape onto the roof of the A light burns in the window of
strange between his legs. He
Manners house. Feminine Wiles. Inside At the Manners house, Dink
pulls a tiny zip lock baggie
Charlene Tarlton opens he is tucking in Blythe, who is
containing a business card
Just offshore in the sea of fridge. She smiles as she still passed out in the bed. He
out of his zipper. It is Carlton
garbage surrounding E. Larb, places a test tube filled with a lovingly kisses her on the
Tarlton’s card with the words
Slyde-Welle Hall looms over milky substance on a rack forehead, takes the cash out
“See Me!” scrawled across it.
perched atop Slyde-Welle with many others just like it; of her purse, and then climbs
On the back he sees where a
Crag. A murder of crows the tube says DINK on the out of the window onto the
woman has blotted her
circles the Victorian spires. label. The other ones have roof just in time to see the
lipstick. He rubs his mouth
the names of most of the Hoover Boys drive away in
then gives the card a sniff,
Inside the Slyde-Welles sit at other men in E. Larb written his truck. He sighs, sitting
the dinner table. Old Man on them. There is even one down on the roof and takes
Slyde-Welle sits hunched reading OMSW, which looks out the business card he
Charlene Tarlton, wife of
over his meal of mother’s rather yellowed and crusty. found in his zipper.
Carlton Tarlton, enters her
milk and raw liver, which he We truck in filling the screen
boutique, Feminine Wiles.
tears at with his gums. with the icky yellow hue. Pull Back at Slyde-Welle hall, Old
Daughter Sienna and Brother back to see we are now Man Slyde-Welle looks out
Charlene says in confes-
Bannister play footsie under looking at the icky yellow hue through a tower window as
sional, “Oh it’s just a quaint
the dining room table while of a revolting wrinkled eye. the as the limo snakes its
little shop full of smart little
giggling and eating their Slyde-Welle’s eye. way back through the sea of
outfits. We cater strictly to
veggies in a suggestive garbage. His grim expression
divorcees and women about
manner. Old Man opens the It’s night, The Slyde-Welle turns slowly into a hideous
to commit adultery”
front page of the local gossip limo pulls up to the gates of smile ad he begins to laugh.
rag, The Inquisitor. He makes Tarlton Fats, the huge factory He turns his eyes to the
Like a scene from the Man
a sour face as he reads the owned by Carlton Tarlton. murder of crows circling the
from Uncle, Charlene slips
headline. “Tarlton Fats Stock The dark industrial fortress tower.
into the bathroom, sits on the
Soars after Announcement of looms gigantically in the night
toilet and with a flush of the
New Line Including ‘Sugar sky. Druthers proceeds to cut He hates those damn crows.
secret chain pull she is raised
Free and Diet Fat’ a photo the chain on the gate with a The crows begin to throw
up through the ceiling into her
shows Carlton Tarlton posing large bolt cutter. He then themselves at the window in
secret war room. Here,
with the product. Just as opens the back door as if to an attempt to kill him. Slyde-
surrounded by monitors and
Bannister lets out a silly loud let Madam Slyde-Welle out. Welle throws himself back-
listening devices, she spies
cackle, he takes a hit in the Inside we see the figure of a wards on his heels and
on her fellow Larbians.
side of the face with a slab of woman covered head to toe elbows like a fleeing crab.
liver. with newspaper and tape.
In front of the Manners home,
Druthers carefully lowers the
Dink is lifting Blythe from the
Druthers the Butler appears package into a wheelbarrow