Broken benchmarks, misleading metrics, and terrible tools. This talk will help you navigate the treacherous waters of Linux performance tools, touring common problems with system tools, metrics, statistics, visualizations, measurement overhead, and benchmarks. You might discover that tools you have been using for years, are in fact, misleading, dangerous, or broken. The speaker, Brendan Gregg, has given many talks on tools that work, including giving the Linux PerformanceTools talk originally at SCALE. This is an anti-version of that talk, to focus on broken tools and metrics instead of the working ones. Metrics can be misleading, and counters can be counter-intuitive! This talk will include advice for verifying new performance tools, understanding how they work, and using them successfully.