Spoof paper 2012.01.15


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Spoof paper 2012.01.15

  1. 1. ThePoeticTimes BESPOKE EDITION The Poetic Times is a tongue-in- cheek showcase of some programs from this year’s S’pore Arts Festival. We hope this light-hearted presentation will pique your curiosity of the real thing. Enjoy!VOL. I MICA REG. 151624446 SINGAPORE SATURDAY MARCH 3 2012 FREE NEWSPAPERJADE OF ALL TRADES BREAKING NEWS STORY BY EMERALD YU ey@poetictimes.com WORLD— Geologists are surviving jade bird that lives warning that the world is in the Jade Palace in the far running out of jade. “The only way such North. But time is running Centuries of over-mining out for the old jade bird, and wasteful handling have a quantity of jade whose life is threatened by now renewed calls for efforts can be gathered is the River Spirit as we count to resuscitate the previously down to the end of 2012. discarded plan regarded as to look for the last While the jade bird is absurd - artificially generate known as Courage in its a subduction event within surviving jade bird” inner circle, it is more the earth’s core at the right significantly known as depths, under the right from earth’s soil as the start Despair. Can the jade bird temperature and pressure of the end of wisdom in be located in time? And can conditions, to generate the humanity. all of humanity coax it out of incubation necessary to form This plan should logically the doomed Jade Palace to jade. win over the support of preserve this precious stone In fact, the subduction every nation on earth, on earth? drill already exists. And it except for one small issue. is not just geologists that The subduction drill needs If you are intrigued by how a are concerned about the one critical element to start story could centre around the dearth of this precious all cylinders firing – jade common jade, you may want stone, feng shui masters itself! Thirty billion metric to find out how Mark Chan’s version of the Jade Bird brings from all corners of the tons of it, to be exact. THE FLIGHT OF THE JADE BIRD globe link jade to “wisdom” The only way such a to life on 18 & 19 May at the and regard the impending quantity of jade can be Esplanade Concert Hall. Tickets disappearance of the stone gathered is to look for the last from $20 to $100.IMAGE: SXC.HU / MorGAnE ConStAntySIDELINE EDGY CUT OVERLEAFA Wild Cat Chase The Best Sex Leading IMAGE: SXC.HU / tErESA LAInG the Horse I Ever Had to WaterBY MORPHEUS YUME my@poetictimes.comKYOTO, JAPAN—A retired war PG 2veteran caused a minor mayhem inthe tiny Japanese town of Kuramawhen he reported his pet cat missing BY AURELIA NIM-FOEbut put the name of his wife in themissing person’s report at the police an@poetictimes.com Anstation. His wife was in fact away visiting her Would it surprise you to know Interviewmother in Kyoto City at the time. The that about 60% of women and 80% of with Vondaentire town was mobilized in what wasthe largest search party in the town’s men between the age of 50 if we talked about these in Vomanhistory. The heavily forested terrain and 70, have regular sex? PG 3 a room full of only women?did not help the cause as teams of Would it surprise you to of hearing. As the hunt was called What if we have the difficultpolice, coast guards and volunteers know it’s actually possible off and the entire town descended questions posed to you by atook turns combing the countryside for men to have an orgasm upon the man’s home, they found child?searching for the man’s allegedmissing wife. him asleep in his favourite rocking without an erection? Do you know you may be “I had Public transport and postal servicesstopped for a week as the entire chair with the cat he reported missing resting on his lap. Meow’s 80 years of age and still attract the sexual interest If you are curiously daring, come and be part of this experiential lunchtown was glued to the saga. Some the matter? of people under 30? How work THE BEST SEx I EvER HAD by Canadian group Mammalian with Elvisrestaurants and even schools closed open are you to have theseas more volunteers were drafted into Life has a knack for imitating art. As comical as this story is, Japanese topics discussed publicly Diving Reflex happening from 25 to 27 May at Esplanade yesterday!”the search parties. It was not until novelist Haruki Murakami’s THE WIND- in the company of people Theatre Studio. Tickets at $36. PG 3news of the search was flashed across UP BIRD CHRONICLE tells of a similar unfamiliar with you? Whatthe national media that the man’s adventure. Adapted by Americanwife realised what was happening and director Stephen Earnhart, come on DISCLAIMER: The contents  in this promotional publication  are intended solely for the promotionshe promptly contacted the Kurama this journey of fascination on 25 & of events at the Singapore Arts Festival 2012.  Where relevant, these are works of fiction, and any names, 26 May at Esplanade Theatre. characters, places and incidents  used are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. police because her husband was hard Any resemblance or reference to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Tickets from $20 to $110.
  2. 2. TOP STORIESLeading a Horse A Twilight Some-to Water where near YouBY PETER GELDERLAND pg@poetictimes.com BY EDWARD FANG ef@poetictimes.comHave you found yourself out of a IMAGE: SXC.HU / tIMo BALKcart at the supermarket? One manexperienced this once too often andhas come up with a bizarre, if perhapsobliquely entertaining, way to solvethis cart shortage problem. He hasdecided to bring his own, well, cartin the form of a – believe it or not –horse. Yes, the animal horse. Notbad if one considers he rides the samehorse to the supermarket, does notneed to park it, loads all his purchasesonto it and off he goes. And his favourite purchase at thesupermart? Beer! Talk about leadingyour horse to water! Public reaction supermarket owners – the need tohas ranged from outrage to pure pick up the horse poo!amusement as the man, who has not SINGAPORE —Ever wondered are here. How would you tackle abeen identified, superbly balances Get up close and personal with the modern why vampire movies always seem problem you virtually cannot see?himself atop his steed as if man and centaur in this extraordinary act FLUx by to feature the mythical undead in What would you do if they wiped usanimal are one. But this spectacle Theatre du Centaure (France). Happening such landscapes as Eastern Europe all out? How long will it be before thathas created one small problem for the 18 to 23 May at the Festival village. or Oregon, USA? Surely in this age happens? Do you see yourself ending of possibilities, you could imagine up fighting them to save our world? vampires finding a home right here in IT PAYS TO BE AN ArtsFest Club Singapore? PANDEMIC is an interactive, theatre Members Enjoy: Well, imagine no more. They installation produced by UK group Slung are here! As we have grown more Low for a thoughtful audience. Want to ARTSFEST CLUB THU The privilege to buy hot experience what it’s like to fight vampires? PRE-SALES 15 MAR program tickets first, plus sophisticated in how we live our Well, you better be above 16 years of age. a huge 30% discount when lives, so have they. They are among they purchase 2 tix or more Oh, and you need to be very brave. 22 us today. How long they have lived to 27 May at Old School @ Mount Sophia. among us, no one knows. But they Tickets at $36. With the Singapore Arts Festival EARLY BIRD MON Open to public at early bird 2012 just round the corner, it is time SALES 19 MAR discount of 20%, min. 2 tix. for lovers of the art to start picking C U L I N A RY C O R N E R from The Netherlands, China and IMAGE: WIKIMEDIA CoMMonS / CHEnSIyUAn the shows and performances you Indonesia. THE HAkkAS CrEATEd wish to catch. It certainly pays if GENERAL SALES MON No discounts except for AFC you are an ArtsFest Club (AFC) 16 APR members or partner card THE MAN WHO RODE member. Besides enjoying savings CROCODILES: Inspired by a poem Yong Toufu! of 30% for a bundle of 2 shows, holders (Passion, SAFRA) membership gives you other written by the Luo Fang Bo, the exclusive offers. But you got to be founder of Lan Fang republic, this SINGAPORE ARTS FRI quick, because these offers are for FESTIVAL STARTS 18 MAY After years ingredient gives the Hakka soup its a limited time only. Check out these members-only offers: of debate distinctive taste. among EPIC POEMS OF THE KONGSI JOIN THE ARTSFEST CLUB FOR FREE TODAY AT regional WAR: Based on the original Malay WWW.SINGAPOREARTSFEST.COM/REGISTER chefs and poem, Syair Perang Cina di Mandor culinary (“Story of the Chinese War in critics, it has finally been widely Mandor”), this garnish blends accepted that the humble dish yong the Oriental flavours with a Malay toufu (酿豆腐 in Mandarin) is of influence. Hakka origin. There had been many TALE OF FORMER TIMES: This variations of this dish consisting quintessential sauce requires just a of a varied selection of food items dash to link the dish’s traditions to including fish balls, bitter gourd, today’s taste preferences. cuttlefish, lettuce, ladies fingers, as well as chilis and various forms of Want to know more about the Hakkas? LAN fresh produce, seafood and meats, FANG CHRONICLES 2012 is an installation served in a clear consomme soup. performance inspired by the histories and Essential accompaniments are spicy, investigations of the 18th century Lan vinegary chili sauce, and a distinctive Fang Republic (1777-1884) founded by brown sweet bean sauce. The Hakka Hakka Chinese in West Borneo. The project version consists of tofu cubes heaped investigates the concept of ‘insignificant histories’, and its obscure parallels with the with minced meat (usually pork and Singapore story. The development of the fish) and herbs, then fried until golden Lan Fang Chronicle project was supported by brown, or sometimes braised. The Arts Creation Fund 2009 from the National key ingredient is the meat and fish Arts Council, with the Singapore Art Museum paste stuffing. The stuffing consists as venue sponsor for the first presentation of 5 special ingredients, namely: after a year of extensive research. DE GROOT’S ARCHIVE: A collection of 20 old spices from the West. Catch LAN FANG CHRONICLES 2012 CHINESE COLONIES AND OTHER between 18 May to 2 Jun at 9 STORIES: Mixed collection of herbs Commonwealth Lane. Performance Lectures at $25, Exhibition is free.
  3. 3. “I had lunch withAn InTErVIEW WITHVonda Voman: Elvis yesterday!”SuPEr HEro(InE) An ouT-of-BodY EnCounTEr AS rECounTEd BY LEonArd dumAnSkI, 87. BY CLARK KENG ck@poetictimes.com BY GRACE LANG gl@poetictimes.com TENNESEE, USA—In one room where, according to claimed he woke with a joltIMAGE CrEDIt: AnnA DIEHL of the most extraordinarily him, there was “no floor”. still seated in his chair in vivid descriptions of an Instead, he was seated at a his living room, holding the out-of-body experience long table with white table signed napkin in his hand. ever heard, retired singer cloth and seated with him Asked about how he felt Leonard Dumanski, was the legendary – and about the whole experience, 87, of Tennesee, USA, dead – Elvis Presley. Mr Dumanski said “I’m all claimed he died for Mr Dumanski claimed shook up!”. close to an hour he was served the same yesterday, during which favourite foods of the END OF THE ROAD is a show time he had lunch with King, which included featuring rock and roll songs none other than the peanut butter and banana by No Theater, performed by King himself, Elvis sandwiches, mashed the young@Heart Chorus. But there’s a catch – members of Presley. potatoes, burned bacon, this chorus are over 70 years Mr Dumanski said grape jelly, cheeseburgers, old! So, Leonard Dumanksi isn’tPoetic Times (PT): Thank Some called him the Fist of he remembered pork chops and sauerkraut, as fictitious as you think; heyou for granting us this Fury and vas in the Game of sitting in his living accompanied by Pepsi could well be singing Elvis songsinterview, Vonda. Can I call Death. room listening to Cola. And did the King say IMAGE: WIKIMEDIA CoMMonS / PUBLIC DoMAIn today! See how these old youngyou Vonda? PT: Oh, that was not a the radio when anything to Mr Dumanski? hearts blend their infectious Vonda Voman (VV): If real dragon; he was an actor suddenly, he felt Apparently not; according to energy with their youthfulyou vish. and his name was ‘small himself “floating” to Mr Dumanski, Mr Presley zest for some of today’s more PT: I understand you dragon’. the ceiling above the room. was happily stuffing his face popular rock-and-roll classics.started out as a dancer? VV: So, the real dragon Still conscious, he could see with the sandwiches and young@Heart dispels the myth VV: Yes, I love dancing. I is coming then? I must that fun is for the young, and everything that was in the mashed potatoes, althoughvas told I danced out of my go prepare now. Sorry, I unleashes a ferocious spunk for room below him, including he did give Mr Dumanski a rock and pop music.mother’s womb ven I vas have to meet with my myth his limp body sitting in the wink.born. So ven I fight evil, I collaborators now. chair he was in just a few But he did get something Catch END OF THE ROAD from 23put dance moves into my PT: Uhh...OK. It’s been a moments earlier. out of the King – an auto- to 26 May at SOTA Drama Theatre.steps. This vay, I kill two pleas... Before he could think graphed napkin allegedly Tickets are at $25 and $45.stones with one angry bird. VV: <shoosh> of anything else, he found signed by Elvis at that same PT: You mean two birds himself in a pristine white lunch. Mr Dumanski thenwith one stone? And I You want more of thisthought Angry Birds was zany stuff? Then imaginecreated by a Finnish guy? crossing two crazy Swedes VV: Yes, ven I fight, I with 18th century operaalways finish the guy! classics from German PT: ??? O...kay, so howdid you end up as superheroVonda Voman? VV: I don’t exactly know. composer Richard Wagner. That’s the premise of Charlotte Engelkes’ critically acclaimed Very MATCH-THE-SYMBOL What does each symbol represent? Try and see if you can match each symbolI vas told in a dream I Wagner series - Part 1: Miss correctly to the Singapore Arts Festival 2012 program it represents correctly!should be fighting evil and Very Wagner, an epic taleslaying dragons. But my of female strength andfamily - they told me I fell sacrifice, a composite of theinto a tank of radioactive female heroines in Wagner’sliquid. operas; Part 2: Siegfried PT: So, if you hadn’t been - The Very Wagner Heroa superhero, you would Hour, about a hero whohave become a famed can sing every heroic roledancer? demanded of him, but with VV: That or a furniture the helpless feeling of beingdesigner at IKEA. a stranger in his own family; PT: Oh yes, you are Part 3: In a creative meetingSwedish...Dancing Queen of traditions, All is Divineand knock-down furniture. weaves in Asian myths into VV: <cracking knuckles> the Wagnerian universe.You making fun of me? Engelkes enlists the PT: Oh no...I dare not. services of a cast of localSo what brought you into artists and performers toSingapore? present a sort of apocalypse VV: I vas told – again – both universally andin a dream – to come to personally – as she slowly RITE(S) OF THE WIND- PANDEMICAsia to unite vith the myth builds toward the grand SPRING UP BIRD CHRONICLEcollaborators here. I vas finale of the Very Wagneralso told the dragon is tetralogy.coming to Asia soon. But LAN FANG DREAM COUNTRY— CHRONICLES 2012 A LOST MONOLOGUEI thought the Asia dragon vERy WAGNERIAN NIGHT isdied some time ago. happening on May 19 and 20 at PT: The Asia dragon? the SOTA Drama Theatre. Tickets VV: Yes, the Asia dragon. are at $25 and $45.
  4. 4. IMAGE: SXC.HU / rICHArD DUDLEy Stories. Legends. Myths. Come, take your pick from Our Lost Poems’ selection of CINEMATIC COMMENTARY delectable arts performances. THE POWER OF It’s true - there is something for everyone. Really. THE MASK BY S.K. TOO sk-sk@poetictimes.com Only for 16 days, from 18 May to 2 June EW A E R VI OM, There is something to be learned about movies take the family on an exotic vacation while the NEV EL RO where the villain dons a mask. Of course, production company buys several islands in the T HO ORY surreptitiousness and mystery are usually the Pacific, not to mention Spawn-ing a whole new FACT /OR CITY Y A purpose for using a mask, keeping the audience merchandising market of masks and figurines! AND SAME W on tenterhooks. That’s what we masochists pay And so, here’s advice for all you budding movie THE AGAIN good money for, no? On the other hand, movie makers out there. If you don’t have the budget, EVER bigwigs actually save a lot of money by casting summon the power of the mask. If that isn’t the average or below-average Joe in a mask scary enough, you can always call upon your throughout the movie. mother-in-law! , How clever is that? You don’t need any eye BIRD candy; you certainly don’t need anyone from the Staying with masks, the Noh mask is a central piece J ADE TELL, A-List that almost always blows your production of the classic 15th century Japanese Noh theatre. PRAYL YOU Noh masks usually depict traditionally gods, warriors, WIL FLY? budget anyway. All you need is a mask. Since it OR has often been said that it takes a lot more acting beautiful women, various figures (often modern figures STAY or crazy women!) and finally demons. LEAR DREAMING chops to play a convincing villain, that task is projects the Shakespearean formula of tragedy on the made all the harder when one is not genetically consequences of patriarchy, succession and empire- endowed with the right looks to go with it. Enter building through the pristine philosophy of Japanese the mask and you immediately remove one side Noh theatre. Noh master Naohiko Umewaka reprises of the equation! his role as The Old Man (in lieu of King Lear) 15 years Just look at this list of scary masked characters later.Ong Keng Seng’s LEAR DREAMING is based on the from what are now regarded as classics – same Shakespeare’s tragedy and remains a ground- Michael Myers in Halloween, Jason in Friday the breaking theatre production about the forces of inter- 13th, Darth Vader in Star Wars, that guy in Saw, cultural influences. Audiences can expect a rich aural- the long face in Scream (this one always gets my visual feast of intercultural music theatre created by a chamber ensemble of remarkable Asian artists daughter to pee), the shadowy freedom fighter today, playing unique musical forms, both classical and in V for Vendetta, that horseshoe crab-looking contemporary performed in Bahasa Indonesia, Japanese, alien in Predator….and the scariest of them all - Korean and Mandarin with English subtitles. the Teletubbies. There you go. WITH Hide behind the mask, scream, grunt, flail 31 May (Thu) & 1 June (Fri) 2012, 8pm LA UGH S AND E HERO INES, your arms and occasionally sing silly songs Drama Theatre, School of The Arts HEROIES AND and you would have made enough money to FAIR GONS! BlendIn DRA IMAGE CrEDIt: tAnjA DorEnDorf, t+t fotoGrAfIE BY QUITAS U.B. qub@poetictimes.com Imagine this – you are taken to the same location but in a different city. The people of these locations tell stories about the location and their lives. It’s a familiar story but something is always different. Artists and visitors work THE FLIGHT VERY CIUDADES OF THE WAGNERIAN PARALELAS together to present the story. As a visitor, JADE BIRD NIGHT (PARALLEL you have the choice of whether you wish to CITIES) MARK CHAN (SG) CHARLOTTE STEFAN KAEGI (DE) / be an observer, a participant, an intruder or a or touch, or be part of the happenings. This ENGELKES (SE) LOLA ARIAS (AR) provocateur. The confines and landscapes of project has been presented in Berlin, Buenos 18 & 19 MAY 7.30PM, 19 MAY 2.30PM - 7.30PM, 18 MAY - 2 JUN, each location will determine your role. The Aires, Warsaw, and Zurich. For the Singapore ESPLANADE 20 MAY 2.30PM, VARIOUS VENUES CONCERT HALL SOTA DRAMA THEATRE everyday space may be familiar to you but Arts Festival 2012, three spaces – the Roof, a An ancient jade bird Rollicking fun Look at your clean given a role you have to play that touches the Hotel and a Factory - will be created along with and a young boy abounds when you and neat hotel room, lives of its inhabitants, you will invariably find a team of local collaborators from Drama Box form an unlikely cross two crazy appreciate that a way to blend in. Ciudades Paralelas (Parallel and the Singapore Drama Educators Association friendship – what Swedes with factory product lessons will each 18th-century opera you’re eating and Cities) is a collection of 8 public spaces, which (SDEA). teach the other? classics by famous take in the city have been made into observation stations German composer surroundings with a whereby each space is turned into a stage of CIUDADES PARALELAS (PARALLEL CITIES) is happening Richard Wagner whole new light. the everyday life where you can listen to, read from 18 May to 2 Jun at various locations. Tickets at $25 & $36.