THE CHANDLER JACQUES SCHOOL OF BEING A GENTLEMANAKA ALL THAT SHIT YOU NEVER LEARNEDGROWING UP PART ONE
1. PERSONAL GROOMINGPerhaps the most important point, so payattention. Only sluts date greasy men.
HYGEINE1. Bathe regularly. You have a shower and running water now. Use them.2. That being said: cologne is not shower gel. You want to charm your date, not choke them.3. Hair gel is to be used sparingly. Your hair needs to be sculpted, but it should not literally feel like you’re a Greek statue.
2. STAYING STYLISHThis section isn’t that important because youhave me, but you should still pay attention tothis because I’m not your mother. I will not layyour clothes out for you every morning.
The 15 Commandments of Fashion1. Thou shalt know thy size. Being aware of your measurements can dramatically improve your look. Everything should almost hug your shape without strangling your crotch. Oversized clothing is an epidemic, and this should be considered your vaccination.2. Thou shalt “keep it simple.” You want to look good, but don’t overdo it. Don’t wear jewelry, you aren’t a woman. Don’t wear chains, you aren’t in a band. Being flashy is as simple as wearing a nice watch or sporting your sharpest dress shoes.3. Thou shalt reevaluate the word “casual.” It doesn’t mean boring. Experiment with collared shirts and approach casual a little differently.4. Thou shalt pay attention to supporting pieces. Your top and bottom should match. If your top is rugged, your bottom should be too. Don’t wear your old ratty sweaters with a beautiful silk and wool suit. That’s almost as bad as a 40 year old woman in yoga pants.5. Thou shalt never go shopping alone. Really, just without me. I don’t trust you around sales people who work for commission. You’re too young and naïve still.6. Thou shalt stay a notch above. It’s always better to be overdressed than underdressed (granted, don’t overdo it). However, you should not be dressed better than your host. Or in your case, your boss.7. Thou shalt pay attention to detail. The last thing you put on should be the first thing noticed. Mind the details more than the main part of your outfit. Because you’re a fashion preschooler, details include the following: scarves, ties, subtle pocket squares, etc.8. Thou shalt invest in one superb pair of shoes. Bitches love shoes. Keep them looking sharp and clean. Wash them and press them like any of your other clothes. Most men don’t do this, so this will give you points and show that you’re a man of taste.9. Thou shalt avoid logo tees. Do you want to look like a walking Mountain Dew ad? Lose the billboard tee and go for a v-neck (but only if you have well-groomed chest hair; nobody needs that teen wolf shit).10. Thou shalt disregard trends. Don’t buy something because it’s in. Trust me, you’ll never wear it. Stick to things you know you like and build from there.11. Thou shalt not be a sucker for brands. Not all brands are as quality as mine are. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t get much better than Chandler Jacques.12. Thou shalt cultivate thy image. Invest time and money into your fashion sense. It’s not just your outfit; it’s a mode of communication, just as important as your career and your relationships.13. Thou shalt always ask me first. You can always trust me to tell you if it looks like the 1990s barfed all over you.14. Thou shalt always shave. It doesn’t matter if you look like a Greek God and dress sharper than me. The beard is an attraction killer. It will stab any inkling of sexual desire right in the throat. Use a shave brush & old-fashioned double-edged razor and get a perfect shave every time.15. Thou shalt experiment. But only if I say it’s okay.
STYLE1. Get regular hair cuts. Again, none of that teen wolf shit. Dogs are pets for a reason.2. Keep it simple. Clothes should emphasize you, not distract from you.
3. ETIQUETTEBecause let’s be realistic, nobody likes adouche bag, especially not girls.
Be Polite1. A true gentleman is polite to everyone, not just the objects of their affection.2. Always be aware of how to help others.3. Always hold the door for people behind you.4. Offer to carry things for old people and pregnant women.5. Don’t be an idiot though. Don’t risk your life to look polite.6. Even when people are being morons, be polite.
Ask Questions1. “How was your day?”2. “May I help you?”3. Statements of courtesy are also acceptable and suggested.4. “Let me get that for you.”5. “I’ll take care of that.”
Vulgarity1. Don’t swear.2. Seriously just don’t do it.3. It’s disgusting.4. People will think you aren’t classy.5. You don’t have to stop swearing, but for the love of god, hold your tongue.6. You aren’t the commander.7. Even when the commander swears, I get a little bit angry.8. Don’t do it.
Public don’ts1. Fart2. Belch3. Speak too loudly4. Be demanding5. Be offensive6. Drink heavily7. A gentleman is always in control of himself.
On a DateAlways hold your date’shand when you crossthe street. It makes herfeel protected and godforbid a woman ever feelunsafe.No really, don’t ever lether feel unsafe becausethat will be the end of allyour happiness. She willmake your life hellbecause women arefucked up and irrational.
WHEN CONVERSINGNow, we’re getting to the good stuff. Whenspeaking to women, here’s what you shouldknow.
Subject Matter1. Keep the focus off of you.2. But still talk about yourself a little.3. A respectable woman will want to know about you too.4. But don’t share too much because women like mystery.5. Are you confused yet? Welcome to the world of women.6. Always be aware of popular culture (music, sports, etc.)
Avoid PoliticsSeriously, we know youjust became Kennedy’sbanana boy, pet, whathave you, etc. But youare not yet well-versedenough in your field tohave the politicsconversation so avoid itat all costs or you willactually ruin everyounce of credibility youhave and therefore yourlife.
BEING POLITE WITH GIRLSYes, there are actually different rules when itcomes to being generally polite and beingpolite with a woman.
Don’t StareDespite what theLeague implies, womenare not objects, and theydo not like to be treatedas such.DO NOT OGLE THEMOR SAY ANYTHINGREMOTELYDEGRADING OR YOUWILL RUIN YOURDATE AND/ORRELATIONSHIP.
Extra Respect1. Open the door for her. This is just common and expected.2. Guide her through the room. Put your hand on the small of her back, but keep it a good four inches above her ass or you’re at risk of being that pervy guy.3. Open the car door. Every man should do this for the woman he’s dating. Maybe not every time you go out, but definitely on your first date or a special occasion. It’ll score you major points.4. Foot the bill. The woman never pays for anything on a date. Ever.5. She should always walk on the inside of the sidewalk. No woman wants to feel like she’s going to get nailed by an Escalade on your date. It’s a good way to show off your protective side without looking like an asshole.
Taboo Topics1. How hot other girls are. You do want to have sex with this girl, right?2. If she is not into sports, do not discuss sports.3. Girls tend to like music, so that’s a safe bet.4. Teasing is fine, but do not be cruel.5. Teasing also does not involve vulgarity.6. Gentlemen never call a woman a dirty word.
Protect1. The world is more threatening for women, especially at night or in bad areas.2. Walk her to her door or car if possible.3. It doesn’t matter how strong she actually is: girls will always be targeted first.4. Always offer her to drive her to and from.
GIRLFRIEND STATUSYeah, so you bagged her. You still have to benice. I know it sucks, but that’s just how it is.
Respect1. Keep doing nice things for her. Being selfish is not attractive.2. Offer to carry things for her.3. Let her watch what she wants sometimes.4. She will appreciate the selflessness, even if she doesn’t voice it.
Keep her happy1. Cards are nice.2. Girls really love flowers.3. It doesn’t have to be expensive and showy.4. It’s the effort that counts here.5. In fact, a rose, a simple note, or a kiss will keep a girl happy for days.6. If you love her, tell her. Tell her often.7. Be open and share with her.8. Laugh with her.
Defend1. Don’t punch every single man who stares at her.2. However, if someone is making advances, it is totally acceptable to intervene.3. Politely remove her from the conversation or speak for her.4. Physical contact is reassuring and also marks your territory.
FIGHTINGThe ins and outs of fighting because you area man, and you’re going to get the urges tokill. This is how to do it in a classy way.
Prioritize1. Don’t back down from a challenge; stand up for yourself.2. Do not sacrifice your values for someone who is just looking for a fight with anybody.
Be reasonable1. Never use weapons. You could get hurt.2. Never fight in or against groups.3. Do not try to be Chuck Norris.4. If your opponent is down, you’ve made your point, and it’s time to stop.5. Offer to help him up, but expect a bad reaction. He may not share your values.
FINAL RECAP• Be sincere• Do not obsess over your looks. Gentlemen look good, but they are polite and unselfish.• Looking good doesn’t mean throwing away t-shirts and jeans. It just means they can’t be wrinkled, and they need to look good. Also, belts can do wonders.• Be aware of your surroundings and your actions. Assume people are always watching.• When talking, give your date/friend your undivided attention.• Never ever honk your car horn when picking a girl up. Always walk to the door and knock/ring the bell.• Always lead by example and be considerate.• Smiling and making eye contact creates an emotional bond with others.• Being a gentlemen is as much about attitude as it is about appearance.• Loving a girl always means giving. Always give (love, time, words of affirmation). Just don’t give so much that you resent her.
Warnings• Drinking in excessive impairs your judgment.• Gentlemen have dignity and honor, yet they are humble and thoughtful. You are not better than anyone else. Don’t think it, don’t act it.• A gentleman knows when he loses a fight. Know the different between standing up for yourself and being a moron.• Be helpful, not overbearing.
A FINAL WORDAny girl that doesn’t accept or understandyour generous and kind treatment is notworthy of your time. Don’t waste it.