How to Stop Fighting and Start Working Together In Your Family.


Published on

The #1 Ultimate Empowerment Toolkit for Parents.

  • Be the first to comment

  • Be the first to like this

No Downloads
Total views
On SlideShare
From Embeds
Number of Embeds
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

How to Stop Fighting and Start Working Together In Your Family.

  1. 1. ==== ====The #1 Ultimate Empowerment Toolkit for Parents ====Do you ever wonder how your parenting style turned from "parent team" into "parent competition?"Picture this: your 8-year-old wants to go see the new PG-13 movie that you know will be toographic for him. You say "no" and at the same time your spouse says, "Sure." You look at her indisbelief. You begin to argue with your wife while your son not only watches, but jumps in on herside with his own opinions. How often do you find yourself arguing for your way in front of yourkids?When it comes down to these parenting battles, how do you come to a decision, preferablywithout arguing, definitely without arguing in front of your children, and both feel validated andempowered in your parenting?The first thing you should realize is that you really are a team. You each have strengths andweakness that, ideally, play off each other. Neither of you is the coach. You are both players onthe team. If the quarterback is getting ready to "go long" and the running back thinks theyveplanned a hand-off, the team is in trouble. Its time for you and your wife to get on the same pageand become a parenting team.Learning teamwork does not happen in the heat of the moment, with your child looking on andpushing for his way - just as football teams dont learn new plays in the middle of the Superbowl.Conscious teamwork means that there is discussion and practice, planning and trying on newways of being. This parenting thing is a lot of work and in order to do it well, it must be donethoroughly. The key is to look at your individual parenting patterns, find out why you parent theway you do, and then look at what is really best for each of your individual children.So, if you find yourself in a cycle of arguing about competing parenting styles, set some time asideto sit down and do the following exercises together. It may be more fun than you think and I knowthat you can turn your parenting conflicts into parenting successes with a little bit of work.Exercises for Building the Parenting Team:1.)As a couple, write down two or three real-life examples of situations where your parenting styleshave differed and you have found yourselves arguing (or not arguing and simply feeling resentfuland disempowered) about a parenting issue.2.)For each example, write down each parents "default mode" of parenting. Maybe one parent isjust more permissive and one tends to be more protective. Perhaps one resorts to anger andyelling where the other resorts to passive-aggressive manipulation to get his or her way. What isyour default parenting style?
  2. 2. 3.)Next, have each parent examine his or her default style. This is an individual exercise. Look athow you were parented and how each of your relationships with your parents molded you as aparent. If you have a difficult time seeing the parenting patterns that you inherited, you might wantto ask a sibling or even a close friend for some insight. If youre still stuck, ask your spouse if heor she has any suggestions. Sometimes, we get so mired in our family "stuff" that we need fresheyes to see it.4.)Now go back to the examples that you listed. Look at how your default parenting style and theways you were parented played into the interaction. This is not about right or wrong. This is aboutnoticing your patterns. There is no right or wrong way to parent: there are good techniques andunhealthy patterns. Our job is to learn the former and release the latter. Here are some real-lifeexamples:a.Mom realizes that she has a tendency to be more lenient because she was raised in a familythat was very strict and growing up she missed out on a lot of fun with her friends.b.Dad realizes that he has a tendency to be stricter because he grew up in a chaotic home withfew boundaries and he wants to give his children a more structured home life.c.Mom realizes that she a tendency to want to be the kids friend instead of being their parentbecause she can avoid discipline that way. She had little discipline from her parents and doesntreally know how to go about it.d.Dad realizes that his parents were very strict about the kinds of movies he saw and the music helistened to and that he is carrying that pattern forward unconsciously.5.)Now that you can see your patterns and how they play into parenting challenges, go back toyour examples and make some decisions. Take the movie example: Once dad realizes that hesbringing forward a parenting pattern, he can decide whether it really works for him or not. Whenwe find unconscious parenting patterns, we have the choice to let them go or to continue with thepattern. The question to ask is does this pattern work for my child? So, with the movie, dad thinksthat this pattern really does work. His child is prone to nightmares and he wants to shield him fromunhealthy mental influences. At the same time, mom realizes that bringing forward the pattern ofa lack of discipline might not work for this child. She realizes that as he grows up, hes becomingmore demanding and that she needs healthier boundaries and that it is time to learn how to be aparent, not a friend. (Remember, your children have lots of friends, hopefully friends of all ages.You, however, are their only mom or dad and you must fulfill that role for them!)So what happens if you guys do all of this work and you still find yourselves at loggerheads abouta parenting issue? If you are being authentic and humble, that wont really happen. When youare able to step back and let go of your patterns and your expectations, it becomes easy to seewhat is best for your child. Remember, its not about getting your way; its about raising healthy,empowered children. All of these little interactions build up to create your familys dynamic. Themore of this work that you can do in an advance of these confrontations, the more peaceful andbalanced your home life will be. And, the happier your children will be.
  3. 3. Straight talk from the mom whoÂ’s been where you are and knows how to help your family: ShellyWalker is the mother of two beautiful children and the author of Awakened Power and theupcoming book Parenting Keys. Shelly is passionate about children and believes that every childdeserves healthy, happy parents. For more information, go to Source: ====The #1 Ultimate Empowerment Toolkit for Parents ====