2014 Predictions for Big Data Marketing

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2014 Predictions for Big Data Marketing

  1. 1. Big Data Marketing 36 Month outlook Bioinformatics. Dumbo agency HUGE, working with Makerbot will devise a way to print gut bacteria, genetically engineered with seed cultures created from probiotic, naturally fermented Kim Chi ... all in all, a coup for Brooklyn. Related, a gut bacteria species will be designed that will convert animal fat into Xanax. McDonalds stock will soar as Pfizer tanks after news that a Happy Meal really does make you happy … if you have the right gut bacteria. Bill Gate’s 23andMe DNA service will merge data with NSA and CIA creating Who’s Your Daddy a division of Go Daddy. Retail giant Target, who knows if you’re pregnant, will use the data to contact “the real father” explaining to them that only customers of Target are entitled to privacy protection, so they can protect their privacy by making a purchase. Web Targeting. The NSA will endure funding cuts. The agency, feeling broke, will monetize their data for use in behavioral advertising. For 10 cents per thousand, advertisers will be able to purchase the cookies of consumers with attributes such as "WMD intenders" and “Probable offspring of narcissistic dictators”. World Peace will result when big agency creative people focus their skills on WMD intenders. Old-school Agency Y&R will win a Cannes Lion with their "Allah Thinks Blowing Shit Up Sucks" campaign. Nielsen will measure a “significant decline in destructive intentions” among the WMD-intender segment. NSA will win a Nobel Peace Prize. CIA will follow suit. Their revolutionary, “Black Book”, will recommend “seduction targets”. It will map NSA-gathered variables such as low self-esteem, and ability to fake true love. Datalogix will figure out how to “onramp” seduction targets, making it possible to approach targets when they are most receptive. Ever the wonks, CIA will calculate “an 80% correlation between incremental sales lift and sex frequency when fornicating with a person of same or opposite gender who is in the employ of a significant customer”. Nice. Not to be outdone, Quantcast will launch a data service using a Hot or Not integration. Cookies will get attributes by mining and semantically mapping comments like “nice legs”. With geo-targeting, attitudes, and now “hotness” attributes available for targeting, the fun will begin. An NYU Phi Sigma Kappa Social Chairman will gush, “We’re targeting good looking females, 18-23, in lower Manhattan with our party messaging, and its totally working. We especially like the ‘sexually active’ attribute inferred from purchases of pregnancy tests and PlanB … OMG I love this country”. SnowJob, a Belize-based shell corporation belonging to a Belarus-based shell corporation belonging to Ed Snowden will acquire Acxiom. Acxiom will sell the cookies of people who have apparently acted in ways inconsistent with their
  2. 2. values. Snowden will be quoted from prison: “I plan on busting out hypocrites … unless they buy my client’s product.” Acxiom will launch e-Extort, focusing on causing “behavior change” with “Strategic messages”. Content Marketing will explode with a new model dubbed "Adver-tutorial" inspired by University of Phoenix who will offer all their content up for sponsorship. In the new model, editorial and advertising will become indistinguishable, because, you know, it’s educational. In the Advertutorial model, Apple will sponsor “Newton’s Laws”; Crest, “Principles of bad breath”, and so on. Nielsen will count “true exposure” to Advertutorial using Facebook data. It will become possible to earn a PhD simply by watching ads! Clicking on an ad will become a surrogate for comprehension. Some people will earn PhD’s without actually intending to, and University of Phoenix will go hockey stick when they inform 50 million Americans they have already earned a PhD thanks to watching Advertutorial Ads. However, a fee of $10,000 per consumer will be required to grant the official diploma. U-Phoenix will make many billions in unexpected profit, but discover that half of the Phd grants were to Belarus-located bots. Regulation. Finally, in Congress, “Do Not Track” legislation will become replaced by “Do Not Suck”. The bill will authorize dynamic pricing implemented in POS systems hooked up to giant consumer databases. Low IQ, as determined by real time shopping cart modeling, will result in higher prices for hapless dummies. Exuding down-home charm, Wal-Mart will say: “Stupid people should pay more … they drag down the American economy”. The whole thing will blow up when Hostess Twinkies and Wal-Mart private label hot dogs turn up as markers for near-vegetable IQ. NSA, of course, will know all this stuff, and sell a new segment via Blue Kai called “Wal-Mart’s high-margin customers”. Amazon will retarget them with Lady Gaga offers, making a small fortune.

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