A martians guide_to_nia

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A martians guide_to_nia

  1. 1. A Letter from our LeAderGLAko (GreetinGs) feLLow mArtiAns! this bookLet ispArt of your ‘Guide to pLAnet eArth’. it must bereAd by ALL of the ‘invAsion force’ teAm. fAiLureto reAd the Guide couLd spoiL our invAsion.fAiLure to reAd ALL of the 2,600 bookLets wiLLresuLt in beinG ZApped (which stinGs A Lot!). youhAve been wArned!!this informAtion wiLL enAbLe you to set up ApoLiticAL pArty of your own And tAke controL ofthe entire eArth. country by country!!vALkoi (hoorAy) for mArs!!siGned in bLoodkruG 4LeAder of mArs
  2. 2. As it sAid in this is whAt it Looks Like our LeAder’s from mArs! Letter, northern ireLAnd is where we’LL stArt our invAsion! it’s just A tiny spec!no! thAt’s eArth. 1,763,468 1/2 eArthLinGsnow if we mAGnify it Live there! there Are 2Another 46,000,000 bAsic sorts...times we cAn seethe northern pArt just two!of the isLAnd we’LLAttAck! weird! it’s the shApe of A mArtiAn nApsop!**fried eGG...men!... ...And if we’re to disGuise women! ourseLves As eArthLinGs we’LL need to weAr body suits! wAtch this mAke-over by GAk won! weird! *hA! hA! hA! this is Zimos weLL mArtiAn friend. this body who wiLL Love suit is GoinG to Look sooo Good his new eArth on you! hi mArtiAn bod! friends! weLcome to ‘how to Look Good As An eArthLinG’! 2
  3. 3. now A LittLe bit of fLesh coLoured pAint... perfect! ...some deLish ...now, the biG Question so you see, we cAn disGuise cLothes, wiG... - do you Look Good As our invAsion force As puny An eArthLinG? eArthLinGs? no! seems Like A Lot of troubLe. why not just invAde And crush the puny eArthLinGs?it’s better to tAke to fit into their we oriGinALLycontroL from within Government beLieved thAttheir Governments. we’LL need to eArthLinGs we cAn mAke LAws know how the were thAt fAvour us! whoLe thinG divided into vioLence never works And win constituencies works! remember eLections! for eLections! pLAnet ZiG 3? yeh! 425 yeArs of wAr! i feeL sick! but thAt wAs there Are 18 of them And eAchwronG! it’s their East eLects 6 eArthLinGs to speAk LAnd which is 1. Belfast North Foyle Londondonderry North Antrim on their behALf! divided into 2. Belfast East East 3. Belfast South Londondonderry 1. Belfast North North constituencies! 4. Belfast West Foyle Antrim 2. Belfast East East 3. Belfast South Antrim 4. Belfast West West South East Tyrone Mid Ulster Antrim Antrim North Down West Mid Ulster South 1 Tyrone Antrim 4 2 North Down 3 1 Lagan 4 2 Upper Strangford Valley 3 Bann Lagan Fermanagh & Upper Strangford Soth Tyrone Valley Bann Fermanagh & Newry & Soth Tyrone why don’t Armagh South Newry & Armagh Down they use South Down ‘the GiAnt mouth And eAr?’ 3
  4. 4. fAct fiLe no. 18076. ‘the GiAnt it seems themouth And eAr’ is A compLex bAckwArd device which ALLows every eArthLinGs don’t mArtiAn to hAve their sAy hAve A ‘GiAnt mouth which is heArd by A meGA And eAr’ or A computer which runs the meGA computer pLAnet! to run their country! everyone even i knows knew thAt! thAt! *hA! hA! hA! hA! ...And do so does thAt meAn the eLected the eArthLinGs who Get eArthLinGs eLected hAve to run hAve to the country? Listen to the eArthLinGs who yes! eLected them? yes! *hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! *hA! hA! hA! hA! etcthe eLected eArthLinGs here Are known As mLAs Are the 18 COnStitUenCieS POPUlatiOn = which stAnds for numbers! member of the X 6 Mlas 1,763,086 divided LeGisLAtive AssembLy. 108 tOtal Mlas. by 108 Mlas = how mAny of them Are 16,324.875 there? so how mAny eArthLinGs does eAch mLA represent? simpLe - divide the popuLAtion by 108 mLAs. our ‘brAins teAm’ it seems thAt the hAs decided thAt best wAy to become since the mLAs Are An mLA is to be pArt the eArthLinGs who of A poLiticAL pArty.mAke LAws And decide our ‘brAins teAm’ how the country thouGht thAt wAs is run... some sort of event with dAncinG And GLuG, ...then but thAt wAs wronG!! we need to be mLAs! Aw! exActLy! 4
  5. 5. on eArth A poLiticAL AGes AGo on mArs, before ...And the Zippy pArty pArty is A Group ‘the GiAnt mouth & eAr’, who beLieved we shouLd of eArthLinGs who there were 2 pArties. the onLy work for 4 hours. ALL beLieve in the GLum pArty who beLieved thAt’s why no mArtiAns sAme thinGs! mArtiAns shouLd voted for the GLum work for pArty! 27 hours of our 28 hour dAy... whAt’s votinG?*hA! hA! thAt’s how eArthLinGs votinG hAppens eLect other eArthLinGs. At A poLLinG they vote for them! stAtion And the votes so it’s Are mAde Like me in secret sAyinG ‘i so no other choose eArthLinG you to knows who represent voted for who! me’. Look! *hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! our poLiticAL pArty needs to we need to hAve poLicies* which wiLL be popuLAr if it’s to Get Lots CREATE be popuLAr with the mAjority of of votes! YOUR OWN eArthLinGs! PARTY. how on so we’re GoinG to mArs wiLL teLL the stupid we do eArthLinGs thinGs thAt? GIVE IT thAt’LL mAke them A NAME. Like our pArty And vote for us! *poLicy - A List of ideAs exActLy! the ‘brAins teAm’ hAve mAde A List of thinGs OUR PaRty believeS eveRy eaRthling which the ShOUld have eArthLinGs wiLL Love! • ShORteR wORking hOURS • lOngeR hOlidayS • MORe PaPeR StUff (MOney) • a fRee hOUSe • a fRee nOn hOveR CaR there! thAt shouLd mAke them vote for us! Arf!*hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! 5
  6. 6. just think, those mLAs - And our *mif pArty wAntstupid eArthLinGs wiLL (members QUiCk to mAke LAws which’LL vote for members of the QUiZ mAke the eArthLinGs of our pArty And LeGisLAtive hAppy???! we’LL hAve Lots AssembLy) of mLAs! Are the puny hOw Many eArthLinGs MlaS umm! remind with the me why we power to aRe theRe? thAt’s wAnt to be mAke LAws! whAt we mLAs! a) 90 wAnt them to b) 180 think! C) 3½ d) 108 e) 900,000 *hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! *mif - mArtiAn invAsion force (whisper!) shush! we’re onLy Green skinned GoinG to mAke the beinGs wouLd be QUiZ (nOt QUiCk) ‘Green skin LAw’!! ALLowed to hAve houses, money, etc HOW WOULD YOU GET PEOPLE TO VOTE And everyone eLse whisper! wiLL hAve to be their FOR YOU? WRITE DOWN THREE THINGS whAt’s sLAves! thAt? *hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! hA! the probLem is thAt mAkinG weLL thAt’s where our LAws is reALLy hArd! A new LAw mLAs Get busy! Look hAs to be suGGested As A biLL! we bouGht A book on we were toLd thAt ‘biLL’ wAs An AmAZeon. it shows us eArthLinGs nAme. the mArtiAn whAt An mLA does! who Got thAt wronG hAsjust been teLeported to ‘the dreAded pLAnet’. korks! so how on mArs do we Get A biLL proposed? “Let us stArt on fridAy. And i think we need thAt’s the dAy i meet my to stop peopLe smokinG hAppy constituents. they in pubLic pLAces coZ teLL me their probLems”. even my doGGie trixie is GettinG A smoker’s couGh! the pLAnes fLy so Low over my house, one hit me on the heAd! i’LL reAd it out! 6
  7. 7. “i then Answered Lots of “met with business peopLe “wAs Guest speAkerLetters And emAiLs from to tALk About A new roAd At our nice new my constituents.” for our AreA!” community centre” it’s smALL!‘At the weekend i did Lots of “i noticed thAt here “so on mondAy ithinGs in my constituency And were A Lot of peopLe set off to the my constituent wAs riGht! smokinG in pubLic”. AssembLy with the ideA thAt i’d propose A new biLL - ‘the stop smokinG in pubLic biLL‘“in the morninG i sAt in the “in the Afternoon i “on tuesdAy i spent pLenAry in the chAmber. wrote the outLine the whoLe dAy in there wAs A biG debAte of my proposed biLL. the pLenAry. this About wAter chArGes”. it wAs 5067 pAGes time the debAte wAs LonG”. About budGets”. but we need h2o more money! money! “At A committee meetinG on “...or check the whAt Are LAws? wednesdAy i Questioned A thinGs thAt miGht notminister About one of his biLLs. work in A biLL before they’re it wAs GreAt! i feLt Like A it cAn be A LAw! so the ruLesteAcher mArkinG his homework! we Ask Lots of thAt ALL mLAs need to mAke sure thAt Questions. eArthLinGs there Are no mistAkes...” hAve to obey! 7
  8. 8. “on wednesdAy i ALso sit on A “on thursdAy i sAt “ALso hAd Lotscommittee which is LookinG At A on A committee of meetinGs withbiLL About the environment. we which Looked At experts And peopLehAd ALL sorts of experts Give my ‘stop smokinG in the biLL wouLd us Advice!” pubLic pLAces’ biLL”. Affect!”. “my biLL meAnt Lots ...untiL it wAs finALLy thAt Looks Like thereof time spent At Lots AGreed by the AssembLy A Lot of hArd must be of meetinGs... And Got royAL Assent. it work! An eAsier then becAme A LAw! wAy! fAct fiLe no. 19031/2. since the ministers A minister is An mLA who A biLL is An ideA for seem to hAve the best Gets An extrA job - A new LAw. it cAn chAnce of mAkinG new they Are in chArGe of A be proposed (put LAws hAppen, ‘mArtiAn Government depArtment! forwArd) by: commAnd’ wAnt Lots of our mLAs to be A whAt? ministers! yeh, but whAt Are they? eAch of the Government Can yOU depArtments is run by A gOveRnMent dePaRtMentS: find minister from one of the OUt? poLiticAL pArties! • health • tRanSPORt • agRiCUltURe • enviROnMent exActLy! And they’re • finanCe • ROadS • aRtS ALL heAded up by the • bUSineSS • edUCatiOn USE THE 1st minister And deputy • hOUSing • JUStiCe INTERNET TO 1st minister. FIND OUT THE NAMES Look OF ALL THE MINISTERS. 8
  9. 9. thAt entire Group just think! if we QUiCk mLAs pAss LAws in of ministers is hAve Lots of mLAs the Assemby.cALLed ‘the executive And ministers we QUiZ committee’ And they cAn hAve morecome up with most of power in the hOw the new LAws And AssembLy. ooh riGht Many sorry! Got run everythinG! Mlas aRe mixed up. the needed we wAnt whAt? to be fOR a them! MaJORity ? so, where do they ALL work? Aye! they hAve A biG no! pLAce cALLed Aye! ‘pArLiAment buiLdinGs’. the mLAs meet in no! the AssembLy Aye! chAmber no! the speAker is one of the most he decides whAt ...seLects importAnt peopLe in the AssembLy. his biLLs wiLL be Questions job is to controL ALL the debAtes in discussed, mAkes And... the AssembLy chAmber! sure the mLAs foLLow the ruLes, Looks After votinG... i pity the mArtiAn who Gets his job! why were those mLAs no! no! fAct fiLe no. 168. durinG shoutinG ‘Aye’ At the the 2nd worLd wAr speAker? pArLiAment buiLdinGs wAs pAinted bLAck usinG it’s the oLd no! no! tAr And cow poo! this fAshioned wAs to hide it fromwAy of sAyinG GermAn pLAnes thAt so they bombed beLfAst!you’re votinG sAy Aye! ‘yes’. Aye! ‘no’, if they’re votinG no’ Gross! 9
  10. 10. ALert! ALert! we hAve ZoominG throuGh ...A spAceship from A just picked up this tv spAce At A terrific fAr off pLAce... broAdcAst for kids! pAce... ...on boArd - bLue beinGs ...their mission to find out About from Another rAce... - to Question mLAs And their bAse! A GirL cALLed GrAce. hey GrAce, A member of And whAt And how do they dowhAt’s An mLA the LeGisLAtive do mLAs thAt, GrAce? And whAt’s AssembLy do, GrAce? thAt pLAce? And thAt’s pArLiAment they meet peopLe buiLdinGs - they mAke fAce to fAce, their bAse! northern Listen to their ireLAnd ideAs And mAke A A better cAse... pLAce!...which they LAws Get it mAkes in thAt cAse And with A present in mAde which Life Good we won’t ZAp smiLe they this pLAce! is reALLy And we ALL your rAce. disAppeAred Ace! embrAce! we respect without A peopLe who trAce! improve their pLAce! 10
  11. 11. those were pLutoniAns from pLuto!! you cAn’t beLieve A whAt’LL we do? *Zowie! wiLL i sound theword they sAy! they’LL be bAck bAttLe ship ALert And they’LL ZAp ALL the puny And ‘fire up’ the eArthLinGs! we hAve no choice. deAth rAy? we’LL hAve to AttAck our first! eArthLinGs! *Gosh no! whAt did we AGree About riGht, Let’s think. is you’re jokinG!not usinG vioLence And ALL the there AnythinG we they’re just A tALk About usinGs ‘poLitics’ to hAven’t hAd time to bunch of tin tAke controL!? LeArn? i know! Let’s droners! not tAke chAnces. we’LL brinG ‘the Archie 6’ with us! we oops! sorry, they’re proGrAmmed Got excited! resent to know ALL About thAt! poLitics! the the Good the speAker mLA stAnds there chAirs ALL for member Are 108 AssembLy fridAy chAmber is AGreement the meetinGs of the mLAs! in the LeGisLAtive fiZZ! bLue! wAs siGned fiZZ! in 1998! AssembLy AssembLy! fiZZ! chAmber! fiZZ! fiZZ! there Are 18 constituencies i just Got A teLecALL! not whAt’LL we do when we mAny mArtiAns wAnt to Go tAke over? At the moment. they sAyit’s the wet seAson! whAt’LL we do? IKE we’LL use up ALL W OULD L IAN their money IF YOU THE MART then we’LL seLL there’s onLy one them As sLAves thinG for it! TO JOIN SION FORCE to A mininG pLAnet! INVA COMPLETE PLEASE TS WHICH THE TES TO QUALIFY exceLLent i’m LookinG FOLLOWVOP!* forwArd to LAndinG. *TA 11
  12. 12. test 1 Let’s pretend you’re the minister here’s the £10,000 eArthLinG Are you of finAnce. he’s the pounds you cAn spend on projects next yeAr.Good enouGh eArthLinG in chArGe of the AssembLy’s to be pArt money. of the Gosh! mArtiAn 1. 2. invAsion 3. 4... force? you’ve Asked the other you hAve to decide whichdid you ministers to teLL you projects Get money And exActLy. here know whAt projects they how much they Get. Are the projects.thAt the hAve And how much Good Luck! money they need. And i cAn niA Give them Any so whAt’s *snAZ! minister Amount of my tAsk? money.of finAnce hAs to decide how moneyis spent eAch yeAr? *eAsy! TICK EITHER THE ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’ BOX UNDER EACH IDEA. FOR THOSE THAT YOU TICK YES, FILL IN THE ‘AMOUNT’ BOX WITH THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND ON THAT PROJECT AND THEN WRITE A FEW WORDS AS TO WHY YOU DECIDED THAT. Minister for Education Wants £5,000 for a schools anti-bullying programme Yes No Amount £ Explain your decision Minister for Employment and Learning Wants £4,000 for a programme to help retrain the unemployed Yes No Amount £ Explain your decision 12
  13. 13. test 1 Minister for the Environment Wants £6,000 for a recycling programme Yes No Amount £ Explain your decision Minister for Health Wants £7,000 for an anti-drugs campaign Yes No Amount £ Explain your decision Minister for Social Development Wants £10,000 for benefits to stop older people living in poverty Yes No Amount £ Explain your decision Total £Explain how you chose which project to give the most money to and why.Project Gosh i didn’tReasons know thAt! did you know thAt the reAL minister for finAnc e in the AssembLy, with the heLp of the other ministers And memb ers of the AssembLy, hAs to decide eAch yeAr how to spend miLLions of pounds fAirLy Across the whoLe of northern ireLAnd? 13
  14. 14. test 2 our LeAder, kruG 4, needs to know some of the AreAs the AssembLy cAn mAke decisions About. your 2nd test is to compLete the words And drAw A picture in eAch box. Gosh! okAy, i’LL try my very best. A R C U Clue: Farming the northern ireLAnd AssembLy mAkes decisions About...H H ED CClue: Are you feeling well? Clue: LearningS T TR T E V NTClue: Keeps you fit! Clue: Gets you from A to B Clue: The world around us 14
  15. 15. test 3kruG 4 wAnts more he ALso wAnts you info on how the to print or drAw A northern ireLAnd picture on eAch of AssembLy works. the foLLowinG topics. so your 3rd tAskis to compLete this info! report usinG the drAw! northern ireLAnd check. AssembLy website. usinG the niA website wiLL mAke it eAsier.* www.niAssembLy.Gov.uk drAw in boxes beLowWho are the 6 MLAs in your constituency?Which parties are they from?What committees do they ‘sit on’?What is happening this week in the NorthernIreland Assembly?What is the role of the Speaker? 15
  16. 16. test 4 to test if you know About whereyou’LL be GoinG you’ve Got to proveyou know About the AreA. so you’ve Got to shAde in your constituency And mArk the LocAtion of the schooL you’re GoinG to. ALso you need to mArk the LocAtion of mAjor towns And cities. to mAke sure you know whAt your constituency Looks Like. drAw one of the LAndmArks. i couLd drAw A buiLdinG or stAtue or A mountAin or... your finAL tAsk is to decide which LAws you pLAn to mAke to keep the eArthLinGs hAppy And why you think *friZ the eArthLinGs wiLL be hAppy. new law why eaRthlingS will like yOUR lawa law tO ...................................................................... eaRthlingS will be haPPy beCaUSe ..................................................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ ................................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................... 16 *simpLe

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