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You are the story you chose to tell


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A sample of books, quotes and exercises to realize that you actually are the master of your own narrative.

Published in: Government & Nonprofit
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You are the story you chose to tell

  1. 1. We are a bundle of stories
  2. 2. At external level, we are influenced by cultural myths and stories Our stories are variation of fundamental archetypes.
  3. 3. Myths provide role models • Human beings are the only specie born too soon: situation of dependency • Myths are like marsupial pouch • If you destroy the myths, you destroy the culture (cf buffalos for Native Americans)
  4. 4. We are conditioned by media messages
  5. 5. We are educated by stories and fairy tales
  6. 6. Stories run through our families
  7. 7. • Pick 3 tales you remember from your childhood • Pick 3 stories from your family you have heard many times • What are their core message? • Draw your positive genealogy tree with the superpowers of your antecedents
  8. 8. At internal level, we are a sum of life stories and events
  9. 9. And we are trying to make sense of them and connect the dots backwards
  10. 10. And that is very specific to human kind • We are the only beings to perceive our time on earth as a story. • We constantly interpret what we see and create stories out of the reality. • We crave for meaning. • Suicide rates actually plummets in time of war since conflict is a way of finding meaning.
  11. 11. Your brain is a novelist • It orders, classifies, selects, excludes, forgets events and stories.
  12. 12. Your identity is a fiction • Who are you? Your job? Your family? Your name? Your community?
  13. 13. We create stories to include and to exclude • To federate people towards a goal, around values, against an enemy. • To build nations and communities. • School manuals from 70 countries have been compared on the story of the ”discovery” of America. None tells the same story.
  14. 14. And bad narratives are lethal
  15. 15. Novels civilize the world • Listening to the narrative from the other point of view develops your tolerance, your narrative empathy.
  16. 16. Each narrative is the product of a choice. Conscious or not.
  17. 17. • Which negative narratives have you heard about your community and have hurt you? • When was the last time you listened to a story which challenged your stereotypes? • Identity list map
  18. 18. Because we live in a world full of fear
  19. 19. Fear is collective • The original fear of separation from our home, family, love partner, group.
  20. 20. And fear is a very useful tool to control people
  21. 21. Our entire culture, our states and nations have originated from war
  22. 22. Yet, most of the time, we are driven by fears • Fear of the other • Fear of rejection • Fear of suffering • Fear of shame • Fear of loss
  23. 23. • What is your deepest fear?
  24. 24. And especially the fear of vulnerability • “I want to experience your vulnerability but I don’t want to be vulnerable. • Courage in you sounds like inadequacy in me. • I am drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine. • Vulnerability is the last thing I want to see in me but the first thing I look for in you.”
  25. 25. And the fear makes us develop armors… • Imagining the worst • Being perfect and pleasing at all cost • Numbing with work, alcohol, sleeping pills,… • Disconnexion, isolation... • Blaming others • Cynicism or agressivity
  26. 26. • I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: “I’m not screwing around. It’s time.All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.” • Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. • Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen. ~ Brené Brown
  27. 27. • Which is your armor? • When you experience shame, what is your reaction? – Move away (withdraw, hide, silence), – Toward (please), – Against (Aggressive, shame others). • When was the last time you used your armor?
  28. 28. Fear traps us into negative narratives • You are flawed. • You are bad. • You are not worthy of love and belonging
  29. 29. And women are even more targeted by negative narratives You are fat You can’t please your partner You are a bad mother You are not enough Women don’t know how to drive Women lie Women change opinion all the time Women are emotional
  30. 30. These constant messages have a huge impact in terms of self-esteem
  31. 31. BIG GIRL, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL 90%OF ALL WOMEN WANT TO CHANGE AT LEAST ONE ASPECT OF THEIR PHYSICAL APPERANCE 81% of ten year old girls are afraid of being fat. And only 2% actually think they are beautiful. 02 SHIFTBALANCE.ORG || ACCELERATING GENDER BALANCE Handcrafted by Funny Weight Loss Special Thanks to Source:  Women Don’t Ask / Oxfam / EU
  32. 32. And the imposter syndrome appears
  33. 33. My
  35. 35. • Which gremlins are most present in you? • What do they say? • What is your ”sticky path”?
  36. 36. That is why we need to make a very conscious effort to change our internal narrative
  37. 37. Positive Psychology is grounded in the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, to cultivate what is best within them, and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play (Positive Psychology Center, 2016).
  38. 38. Positive psychology is focusing on the scientific study of human flourishing
  39. 39. DNA 50% Environment 10% Your choices 40% Your positivity capital
  40. 40. Switching from scarcity to abundance mindset
  41. 41. • Do you have a scarcity or an abundance mindset?
  42. 42. Embrace your imperfections
  43. 43. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate, vulnerability is subversive.
  44. 44. • How much do you dare? • What was your boldest challenge lately? • Set yourself 3 challenges for the coming year. • What are your superpowers? • Write your epitaph or eulogy • Ask 10 people around you to tell you moments or circumstances in which they saw you thriving. • Visualize success situation • Imagine your 80th birthday: which 3 positive decisions led you there?
  45. 45. Power posing
  46. 46. Do you smile enough?
  47. 47. • How is your body language? • Do you open up or do you close ? • Practice the power pose. • How often do you smile? • Have you practiced laughing yoga? • Let’s sing and dance! #fitnessmarshall • Clown: receive applause. Look into the eyes.
  48. 48. In politics… Source: UN Women
  49. 49. It helps to rewire your brain
  50. 50. Mindfulness helps you to not identify with the gremlins • You separate yourself from your thoughts and emotions. • You avoid the sticky path. • Anything towards which you direct your attention gets stronger.
  51. 51. • Let’s meditate for 10 minutes! • Raisin exercise • Breathe in. Breathe out. Bell.
  52. 52. Gratitude is powerful
  53. 53. Gratitude creates a spiritual alchemy • It dissolves fears and ego, our need to possess and control. • It makes us more generous and tolerant. • It develops our souls. • You did XXX. • That made me feel XXX • That satisfied my need of XXX
  54. 54. • Write a gratitude journal • Letter to 5 people you want to thank • Gratefulness visit • Gratefulness meditation • Gratefulness before meals
  55. 55. Rule number 1 of improvisation? Never say no.
  56. 56. • Deepen your relationships: 36 questions app • Improvise: What happens with Jaume? • Free hugs • Feedback speed dating • Draw your relationships map • Give a gift with no reason • Guardian angel • Benevolent look • Qualities game: 10 you like. 10 you hate. 3 defaults so you love. 3 qualities so you hate. Out of 26 select 3 you are and 3 you are not. You attract people with these 6 qualities.
  57. 57. The deepest system change
  58. 58. Trust as a high-yielding bet at TEDxCarthage Trust is the cure for fear
  59. 59. The 5 love languages
  60. 60. • What is your love language? • What is your partner’s? children’s? parents’? Friends’?
  61. 61. Life as a spiritual path • From fear • Ego • Judgment • Negative internal dialogue • Loneliness • I am different • To love • Trust • Vulnerability • Positive internal dialogue • Communion • We are one
  62. 62. System change takes place from the inside out
  63. 63. Declutter your space. Declutter your mind.
  64. 64. • Plan a spiritual retreat • Clean your space. Feng shui: Throw things you don’t need. • Set up morning / evening routines
  65. 65. Language is powerful
  66. 66. • How often do you insult yourself? • What is your first thought when... – A person is late to a meeting – Somebody spills sth over you – A date does not get back to you – Your boss does not say hi
  67. 67. Accept compliments
  68. 68. Stop apologizing
  69. 69. Stop using shrinking language
  70. 70. • How do you accept compliments? • Give compliments (box) • Send a positive SMS every morning
  71. 71. Our language tends to be very judgmental
  72. 72. We attribute the cause of the conflict to the other • But in reality you are responsible of your feelings • The others may trigger them but they are not the cause. • Anger comes from our judgmental thoughts. • Conflict comes from unmet needs. • Judgment triggers auto-defense and counter-attack.
  73. 73. Spark your emotional agility • SITUATION: what happens • PERCEPTION • AUTOPILOT: Feeling • REACTION: Behaviour • KNOWLEDGE: evidence to prove what you think
  74. 74. Four steps of non violent communication • When OBSERVATION (no judgment), • I feel FEELING (no covered reproach), • Because I need NEED (no strategy). • So I would like PRECISE AND POSITIVE REQUEST (no demand).
  75. 75. What do you feel?
  76. 76. Beginning anew steps • First sharing your appreciation for the other person. • Then voicing regrets or apologies for the hurt we might have caused in the other. • Expressing what has hurt us in the other person’s actions, speech or thoughts. • And finally, asking for support regarding a difficulty we are currently experiencing.
  77. 77. • List your most common judgments ( I hate people who…). Then list your unmet needs in front of them. • Identify the SPARK of a recent conflict • Apply CNV to a recent conflict you had • Apply Beginning anew to a conflict • Write a forgiveness letter
  78. 78. How do you reframe the narrative? • The power of narrative psychology
  79. 79. Which story do you choose?
  80. 80. “You enter the forest at the darkest point, where there is no path. Where there’s a way or path, it is someone else’s path. Each human being is a unique phenomenon. The idea is to find your own pathway to bliss.”
  81. 81. Flow is a state of being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. • The ego falls away. • Time flies. • Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. • Your whole being is involved, and you're using your skills to the utmost.
  82. 82. What’s your manifesto?
  83. 83. What’s your bucket list?
  84. 84. • What’s your bucket list? • Write down your manifesto • Dream mapping: your life in 5 years • Live a new experience: change habits • Learn a new skill • Do something altruistic • Dare to do something scary • Commitment letter towards oneself • Create a habit or quit one: commitment for 21 days
  85. 85. We need new stories. Positive ones.
  86. 86. • Draw your life ups and downs – 3 ups – 3 downs – 3 inspiring people • Find 5 trends in your life and events which justify it • Tell a same story with 5 different perspectives / tones • Which animal are you? • Find a word which qualifies you best. • Imagine you build a social business.