“Hey y’all and yeehaw!! I’m here to tell y’all my story. Well I ain’t no high class
broad and will probibly never amount to much in this life but I sure as hell kin try
right? I never finished school and my daddy told me to find a good man an’
settle down somewheres. Mama told me that I should always act like lady if I
wanted to find a good man. So I did wut I could, I got me a trailer an’ me own
plot o’ land to build on!!”
“That’s me, diggin’ in the dirt lookin’ for dem buried treasures I heard about
one day. I’m gunna find me a gol’ mine I tell you wut!!”
“Well shoot, where are me manners? I never told y’all my name did I? My name’s
Virginia Georgia and I’m wut them fancy folks call an Aquarius. I ain’t got no time
for them boys who smell like a swamp rat in July but I go crazy for a nice
Mechanic who knows how to grow nice stubble. I love country music and a good
ho’down so all my youngin’s and their youngin’s will be named after them famous
and purdy country music stars.”
“Well looky here, this is my trailer!! It ain’t fab or nuthin’ but it’s cozy. I hope to
find me a man who don’t mind building a life wit me out here in the boondocks of
“I even got me a fancy ruf, it’s like what them Mexicans call terra cotta. And it’s
my favourite colour too, I luv the blue.”
“Dag nabbit!! Who done an’ built the water pipe there!! Sakes alive!! I ain’t got
not fludd insurance!!”
“Well ya know, I still gots to be findin’ me a man so I went and stopped this
purdy feller who was strollin by me trailer. He asked me if I got beer and I said
my grandpappy taught me how to make me own shine…but that’s a family
“Then I said I make a mean jambalaya that’d knock his socks off. He seemed
interested in the fud.”
“Maybe I can keep him around an’ see if one of my youngin’s might want him. I
don’t like ‘im them well me self.”
“Ain’t this nice, the neighbours done come by to says hey to me. But this one
here, he’s a bit strange with dem pointy ears…wonder what he is? He’s meaner
than a rattlesnake with a tooth ache though…and the name Olivine Geology,
wut’s that about?”
“They seem like alright folks though, salt o the Earth types. Leod owns that big
fancy orchard up the road and Cleo here, well she seems a might put out in the
country to me. But what do I know? I’m just a good ole farm girl meself.”
“Well they eventually mosied on home and I could help meself to some nice
grilled cheese, just like mama used to make me. Fresh cheese from the cows,
home grown wheat…mmmhmmm. It was mighty good eatin’ I tell you wut, I hafta
feed my youngin’s this when they come round.”
“Ya culd say it’s my Aspiration in lyfe to make mighty fine grilled cheese. But y’all
know wut? Nuthin’s better than fi’ty first dates to find yur one an’ only. Know wut
“Y’all know wut though, sometime’s the fish ain’t bitin’ close to home so ya gotta
git out on de town to see wut’s wut. And this fancy place, Bernard’s Botanical
wutsit sounded mighty fine te me. Like this feller here, his name’s a might
strange Sinjin Wong, but he ain’t no Chinaman so I don’ git it…”
“He luks like he needs some good ole fashioned home cookin’ though. Boy’s got
hardly no meat on his bones. I could fix that. Guess it’s time to turn on the ol’
“Aww yea’ I knows wut I’m doin’. Sinjin here’s all mine.”
“I shure know how to pick im’ don’ I? He’s got a good job as a Slacker, kinda lyke
me. Only he’s a lot higher up than I am. But first thang’s first, gotta hook ‘im and
reel ‘im in.”
“Dance a little ditty with sum twang and twitty…”
“But still need sum good fud and such. Can’t catch no fish without bait…right?
Sinjin said they got some real nice fried chicken here, but I ain’t got a lot of
money…I might have te git some tangerine tarts instead.”
“Well I still say they‘er over priced…I make way better chicken and biscuits.”
Virginia: So I owe me own land, even gots me a trailer. Wut you think?
Sinjin: Ehh, it’s cool. I don’ even have a house.
Virginia: Sounds a’ight wit me.
“And that’s how I found me a man. Luvly pi’ture huh? I think I’ll keep it round.”
“But I think this pic is better. I want to have dem for every one of my youngin’s
who stay in the nest to give me grandbabies.”
“Best to get started on dem youngin’s before I get too old. An’ I think that Sinjin
would agree wit me on that.”
“Dag nabbit!! I was only feelin’ a wee bit peckish after Sin left…”
“I didn’t want Cajun style mac an’ cheese neither!!! Sakes alive!! God be praised
I bought me a fire alarm!!”
“ Well shoot, ain’t this a kick in the teeth? I guess Sinny is gonna hafta marry me
now. Although he ain’t the marrying kind…his kind never is. But I ain’t gonna go to
Hell for birthin’ my youngin’s unwed I tell you wut.”
Sinjin: Well I ain’t the smartest man, nor the richest. But I’d never leave my
woman in such a state all alone. Marry me Virgini, make an honest man outta
Virginia: Well ain’t you the sweetest thang, shoot, course I’ll marry you Sinny!!
“Mama would be proud, God rest her
soul. I found me a Suthern gentleman
Virginia: Sakes alive, this baby is kickin’ me somethin’ fierce here Sinny.
Sinjin: I bet he’s just itchin’ to be born.
Virginia: How do you know it’s a he?
Sinjin: A man knows Virgini, a man knows.
“Sinny didn’t bring much money wit
him so we couldn’t afford a stereo to
play anythin’ fur our weddin’, but I
think everyone was havin’ a gud
“I didn’t need no music anyway, dat
angel chorus singin’ was enough fur
“I was happier than a pig in slop that
day. All my friends were there fur
“One day my youngin’s will luk back
on dis and see how happy we was
when we was young.”
“Though it wasn’t nice that the old crone crashin’ my party wore the same dress.
I mean, who’d go and do that?”
“I didn’ know that Cleo could bake. When she went brought me a big ole
weddin’ cake I cried. That was so nice of her. Sinny liked it too.”
“Course it ain’t no party without no keg so we had git one for the party. It was
the biggest crowd pleaser I tell you wut.”
Leod: I dinnae know you could bake Cleo.
Troy: I just came for the free booze.
Cleo: *sigh* Why is everyone so surprised I can bake? Do I really look that
Leod: Yup. You do lass, but donnae take it personal.
Olivine: Great party, too quiet for me though. Nice cake too, where’d they buy it?
Cleo: *repressed lip quiver*
Leod: I need some whiskey…you think they got any?
Virginia: I’m kinda tired, y’all think you could vamoose?
Olivine: Nope, still booze left.
Sinjin: Woo-whee, I gots to get me sum of that…
Cleo: Didn’t you just get married? And aren’t you going to have a child?
“Course no sooner did they done an’ left I felt a pain in my belly. It was time to
see my first youngin’!!”
*loud sounds of anguishing pain*
Sinjin: Sakes alive!! Why’d I hafta see this?!!
Sinjin: You bout done there? The game’s on.
Virginia: *loud curses that make angels blush*
Virginia: Well ain’t you just the cutest little thang!! Sinny we have a beautiful baby
Sinjin: Damn…I mean great babe!! I’m all a twitter.
Virginia: Oh, hang on there one cotton-pickin’ minute…I ain’t done.
“Well shut my mouth…I ain’t never expected twins…”
“Well, here’s the first baby pic’turs of you two. My youngins Tricia and Toby. You
both got your mama’s eyes and papa’s hair. And I named you after two great
country singers, Tricia Yearwood and Toby Keith.”
Y’all come back now ya hear?