1. Intimacy
Chapter 3 – Hanging Out, Messing Around, and Geeking
Out
Alex Dulac – CMS 298

2. A new place to hang out…

3. Wave of the future…
— “Young people are at the forefront of developing, using,
reworking, and incorporating new media into their
dating practices in ways that might be unknown,
unfamiliar, and sometimes scary to adults.“ (117)
— These dating practices include, but definitely are not
limited to, meeting, flirting, going out, and breaking up.
— What new media has done for teens is provide a variety
of ways and outlets to meet and develop romantic
interests.
— Popular ways of connecting on new media involve social
media sites like Facebook and MySpace, text messaging,
and instant messaging.

4. With contemporary roots
— Teenage dating and courtship is primary a recent phenomenon,
largely developed in the twentieth- century.
— “Dating, as we now recognize it, emerged out of working-class
“calling” practices, in which young ladies lacked the domestic
space to entertain young men in their homes and thus the couple
would go out somewhere together, a practice referred to in early
slang as a “date” (Bogle 2008).” (119)
— “Much like teens may have historically researched potential love
interests through their friendship networks, contemporary teens
have additional new media tools for laying the groundwork for
flirting and relationships.” (124)
— Teens learn about dating, intimacy, and romance from their
friends and social circles, which has been, remains, and always
will be true to teenage dating. The social network has merely just
changed the locations to cyber space.

5. “Youth do emotional
work to maintain a
relationship through
digitized media. Rather
than (though sometimes Vs.
in addition to) love notes
exchanged in between
classes, youth
demonstrate affection
through private and
public media
channels.” (129)

6. Compare and Contrast
Locations and Lingo
— Dating and Courtship
= Hanging out and going out with someone
— Classroom, School Dance, Sporting Events, Movies
= Chat rooms, Instant Messenger, Social Media sites, texting
— Class rings, Letter Sweaters, ID Bracelets
= Social Media identification “In a Relationship” i.e. Facebook
Official, posting photos and statuses about their significant other.
— “The specific feeling of being in love” (119)
= “Casual, intense and brief” (119)
— Ridding a bedroom or wallet of pictures / notes after breaking up
= ‘Digital Housekeeping’

7. Advantages and
Disadvantages
with Teenage Intimacy on New Media

8. Advantages
— New media “allows teens to proceed in a way that
might feel less vulnerable than face-to-face
communication.” (123) While relevant to strangers,
this is ideally towards communicating with a friend
of a friend or a small acquaintance.
— Controlled casualness, allowing teens to carefully
plan and construct messages that seem causal.
— It is “easy to get a message across without having to
phrase it perfectly” and “I can think about things
more. You can deliberate and answer however you
want.” (124)

9. Advantages cont.
— Teens can “signal the varying intensity of intimate
relationships through new media practices such as
sharing passwords, adding Friends, posting
bulletins, or changing headlines” (123). I think of
this as a form of ‘Relationship PR’.
— Demographic specific dating sites i.e.
“Asiantown.net” and the ability to ease finding
others with similar interests/ values i.e. sexual
orientation.
— Sustain relationships that might otherwise by
geographically challenging.

10. Disadvantages
— “Hesitancy about moving online relationships offline for fear
that people might not live up to their online personas.” (126)
— “This “hyperpersonal effect” indicates that intimacy might be
heightened online in a way that might not translate seamlessly
into offline relationships (Walther 1996).” (127)
— “In addition to the expectations of regular, if not continual,
contact, teens affirm and are expected to affirm their
relationships online, both by and for their significant others
and for their networked publics.” (130) Constant relationship
maintenance on new media is required.
— ‘Always on’
— The act of breaking up, new media style.

11. “Always on”
— With constant connectedness on new media comes
increased expectations of availability and reciprocity.
— The result is constant communication exchange, with
several phone calls, texts, Facebook posts etc. a day.
— Advantage or disadvantage? Is this too much
communication to handle in a relationship? Answers
vary between users, but it is too much in my opinion.
— “The phone especially acts as a sort of leash, a way to
keep tabs on a significant other, much like parents keep
track of their teens.”(130)

12. “When you’re in a relationship
one thing I learned [is] always
pick up the phone for your girl
because she complains if you
don’t. . . . The thing about a cell
phone when you’re a teenager is
if you have a cell phone and you
don’t pick it up you’re doing
something that you’re not
supposed to be doing.” (130)
- Zelda, 14
Brooklyn, NY

13. Breaking Up
— Digital Housekeeping involves “a variety of steps to
sweep up the digital remnants of a given relationship
and to deal with access to and the continuing digital
presence of their former significant others.” (132)
— One of the hardest parts for teens after a break up is
dealing with being replaced - seeing an ex boast about
their new partner on their Facebook page just the way
that they had been boasted before.
— A break up in person is preferable for teens,
acknowledging that otherwise breaking up through text
or messaging functions online is disrespectful.

14. A Great Start, but
an Ugly Finish
While new media is a great way to
meet and break ice with romantic
interests, it is not a great way to
end a relationship.
Things can turn sour quick, with
“About Me” sections of social
networking sites going from being
filled with love and praise (I love my
girlfriend Amy) to harsh animosity
(I hate my stupid bitch ex
girlfriend).

15. Full Circle
Intimacy on New
Media
Just as they had
performed their
togetherness for all
who were curious, so
too did they perform
their breakup.
(135)

16. Final Thoughts
— As a 22 year old now who grew up when intimacy on new
media was just beginning to make its mark, I can say that I
could relate to much of the chapter. I have experience with
controlled casualness, being always on, and digital
housekeeping, and I am confident I can say all my peers
around the same age as me have as well. I had somewhat of a
trip down memory lane reading this chapter, from thinking
back to planning my ‘casual’ acquiring of a certain
someone’s screen name and breaking the ice, to becoming
Facebook Unofficial and reaping the consequences. I feel
intimacy on new media will only become more normal as time
passes, for better or for worse, because I cannot comment on
what dating was like without it. Although, I really do wish I
had the opportunity to be a teen without the Internet and
related technologies.