SUPERSTAR! Magazine

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A PR marketing tool/faux tabloid, premiers with the mono-monikered "\'DALIN\' Issue,” chock full of “big name” interviews with the book\'s celebs, family, friends. Plus lots of gossip, exposés, "fan mail" and tongue-in-cheek ads germane to the products mentioned throughout LOVE AND DEATH OVER TEA, reiterating its stirring themes.

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SUPERSTAR! Magazine

  1. 1. *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  2. 2. 15 "Lucky" Stiff TAKES THE LEAD olin Cochrane is witty company, stealing hearts not simply because the actor, author and honorary Einstein of Comedy Physics is sipping PG Tips tea in the early afternoon instead of Long Island Iced Tea. We caught up with him by cell phone from the bustling set of his eponymous TV show, Heist, in which he plays, what else, ex- jewel thief Alastair nicknamed "Lucky," the jaunty private dick paying back in time, blood, brains and sweat what he owes The Big Easy P. D. Superstar: So, you and Danae Nathan, exactly how did you meet? Colin: Cracking good story! We’d deplaned at Louis Armstrong International and (chuckles) started chin-wagging about having baggage... Superstar: Months later she became your dialect coach. Colin: Yes, of sorts, for a Philly film, as a friend, although we didn’t get many chances to swot up much besides. Danae has this extraordinary work ethic, you see, and after that baking hot summer she was touring and I was filming the fourth season of Heist back here in L.A. so our schedules never seemed to synch. Superstar: But didn't you run into each other at Cedars-Sinai radiology when you had-- Colin: A silly motorbike dustup, that's all. Superstar: And isn't it true you've never healed properly, still suffer bouts of debilitating pain, and considered leaving your wife, Emma, way before you were caught sharing more than tea with Danae at the Fleur de Lis? Colin: (Annoyed voice) Rubbish. Superstar: Emma's alliance with your agent Jake Klein on SWEET TALK: DESSERTS FOR LOVERS, didn't that involve some one-on-one late night tastings? Colin: Bollocks, you effing.... (Grumbles, hangs up). Copyright 2010 Writersync C
  3. 3. 16 QQQ&&&AAA wwwiiittthhh ttthhheee AAAttttttooorrrnnneeeyyy fffooorrrmmmeeerrrlllyyy kkknnnooowwwnnn aaasss “““AAAccceeehhhooollleee...””” ou may know Jake Klein from his hairy turn at card tables and Hollywood's hottest agent, though these days the bald brief reader books wealthy donors for the Board of Directors, heading the liver transplant wing at Children's Hospital in Philadelphia founded by his childhood pal, Ripe poet Danae Nathan. Recently, SUPERSTAR readers had the chance to ask the legal eagle some advice concerning their own goings and comings. My lover is jealous of my wife, Bunny, whom she keeps threatening to boil. Do I have any sort of rights to control the use of kitchen appliances? I sure as hell never considered this situation to break in her Demeyere cookware! FUTURE VEGETARIAN Dear FUTURE VEG, Faithfulness is more important than your lover's scorching pots protected with invasion of privacy torts, so if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Short of mea culpa, cold chicken soup, or a restraining order, I suggest from experience that you discuss your feelings frankly, contact your local SPCA, or hold a séance with Beatrix Potter. I’m hoping to impress a zaftig gal with a kosher wine 'n' dine that’s not as predictable as Philly debs coming out so she’ll eat me up too. Suggestions? A/C-D/C Dear A/C-D/C, Rendezvous at The White Swallow, a quaint little OU certified bistro on a funky side street in the steep Manayunk Design District. P.S. Don’t forget the blessings on the bread, booze, and dress to impress with the right footwear because you never know when she might run screaming for those hills out of your life. What's the deal with a special Jewish divorce decree? I don't get "The Get." WEDDED BUT NOT BEDDED Dear WEDDED, The Get is expressly a religious legal document breaking the existing bond created through marriage, and acknowledging in twelve lines that the divorcing individuals are now free to remarry according to Jewish law. And boychik, take a tip from me, if you ever want a second go with a nice Jewish girl, it's a necessity! Y
  4. 4. MMuunncchh AAddoo AAbboouutt NNootthhiinngg?? YYoouu bbee tthhee jjuuddggee.. ** ““VVootteedd BBeesstt CCaajjuunn KKoosshheerr DDeellii!!”” *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  5. 5. %%% %%% %%% %%% %%% %%% %%% %%% %%% %%% AAA TTTiiippp OOO''' ttthhheee TTToooqqquuueee!!! TTTooo EEEmmmmmmaaa CCCoooccchhhrrraaannneee AAA ssspppiiicccyyy ccchhheeefff wwwhhhooo tttaaakkkeeesss aaa ooouuuttt ooofff llliiifffeee!!! ZZZyyydddeeecccooo CCCaaayyyeeennnnnneee®®® """ """ ™™™ *This is a faux advertisement strictly for entertainment purposes ©2010 Writersync.
  6. 6. 19 DDDoooeeesssnnn'''ttt ttthhhaaattt bbbaaakkkeee ttthhheee CCCaaakkkeee!!! SSSaaammm NNNaaattthhhaaannnHOW CAN YOU NOT TRUST a bear of a guy with warm brown eyes and a buzz-cut? OK, so the sweet n' cuddly ex-King-of-Wall Street isn’t out to make a big statement. But Sam Nathan’s brawny good looks add to his everyman appeal, making him stand out among a sea of financial posers. Certainly, he wouldn’t have bet on himself to become a bonds trader. Truth is he wanted to bat for the Yankees. “I never aimed for the fence,” says the 50-year-old baseball fanatic. “I just knew the higher I came out swinging, the better chance I had of succeeding,” and it’s this easy-going confidence that makes him such a catch. In fact, Nathan just finished swapping back the ratty blue cap he habitually wears for a chef's toque. Contrary to his early days as scrawny stock boy in his parents' neighborhood hardware store--until he was "nailed" by the idea of becoming a pastry baker. Back when you were shelving hammers, saws and screwdrivers, did you dream of wooden bats, balls, or runny batter? Well, I never had dreams of striking out, if that’s what you mean! (Laughs) My heroes were guys like Sandy Koufax. Ron Blomberg. Mike Epstein. And now Richard Greenberg and Billy Bean. My goal was just to play, not play the money game. Have your cake and eat it, too. Is it true you and Danae met in grade school? Yep. Six-years-old stuck in a time warp. At recess, she was sitting on all that long hair next to Judy, pretending to ignore me. Until I pitched some marbles at her feet, she flicked the aggie into my circle in the sand and knocked me the hell out! When did you start dating? Technically, we were high school juniors, doubling on and off public tennis courts. I was tops at spin, and Eli, not as deft or silver- tongued, kept licking the blood from his nose, both of us defended by this flaxen-haired girl swinging from monkey bars dukes up with Judy, her zaftig tagalong, who by the way to this day is just as scrumptious and has way more marbles than advertised. There’s been hot dish around for years that you two did a bit of canoodling in the back seat of that '71 Chevy Camaro you’re donating to charity… I don’t dignify rumors. Next question? Gossip also has it you and Eli-- It’s been great talking to SUPERSTAR! Don’t forget to stop in at The White Swallow or take home one of our luscious cakes and pies coming soon to a gourmet supermarket freezer near you! Copyright 2010 Writersync
  7. 7. "Why poetry should make us squirm." ™ www.ripeverses.com Copyright 2010 Writersync
  8. 8. *. *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes ©2010 Writersync. No ownership is implied.
  9. 9. ((SSoommeettiimmeess tthhee TTiinnsseell iinn tthhiiss TToowwnn iiss eennoouugghh ttoo mmaakkee yyoouu RReettcchh)) She Shouldn’t Be Doing This… When you donate* to The Redwood L.A. Center of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences ®, you’re giving those recovering from anorexia and bulimia an opportunity to do what they otherwise couldn’t: the chance to eat normally again. Your support gives women and men struggling with disordered eating the very specialized treatment they need. Thanks to the generosity of people like you, Abby Nathan grew stronger than ever, just another example of how donating to Redwood's continuing research gives others the chance they deserve. Help battle the media and defy the odds. Support our team. Redwood Rehabilitation Los Angeles, CA 90048 Phone: Main Switchboard (555) 4-SANITY (726-489) More than three hots & a cot™ *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  10. 10. ®® lloovveess tthhee ooppeenniinngg ccrreeddiittss.. FFIINNDD AA SSEEAATT.. CCEELLLL PPHHOONNEESS OOFFFF.. TTHHEE SSEEAASSOONN''SS SSTTAARRTTIINNGG AANNDD YYOOUU DDOONN''TT WWAANNTT TTOO MMIISSSS TTHHEE AALLLL SSTTAARR CCAASSTT...... CCooppyyrriigghhtt 22001100 WWrriitteerrssyynncc
  11. 11. IIff lloovvee iiss ccoonnttaaggiioouuss,, ddooeess wweeaarriinngg aa wweeddddiinngg bbaanndd wwhheenn yyoouu aarree mmaarrrriieedd ttoo PPeerrssoonn AA iinnooccuullaattee yyoouu aaggaaiinnsstt lloovviinngg PPeerrssoonn BB?? CCoonntteemmppoorraarryy FFiiccttiioonn——553377 ppaaggeess——WWoorrdd CCoouunntt:: 110000,,000000 wwwwww..lloovveeaannddddeeaatthhoovveerrtteeaa..ccoomm CCooppyyrriigghhtt 22001100 WWrriitteerrssyynncc
  12. 12. The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences* Salutes the Accomplishments of Colin Cochrane *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. No ownership is implied.
  13. 13. Graduate college. Get married. Have a kid. Make casting rounds. Disappoint family. Take a master class. Audition. Slave as an extra. Snag an acting coach. Audition. Snag an agent. Book Comic Aid. Compromise morals. Star in a B-film. Enter deep depression. Land a doomed American TV pilot. Have another kid. Hire a manager. Get a starring role. Hire a publicist. Do the late night chat show circuit. Discover publicist and accountant are having a fling. Get fleeced. Resent the perks that fame provides. _________ or_______________________ Book a suite. LIVE LIKE A CELEBRITY WITHOUT ALL THE DRAMA. CCHHAATTEEAAUU PPAARRIISS In the heart of the Vieux Carre New Orleans. *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes ©2010 Writersync.
  14. 14. 26 ___________________________________ Simple Pleasures What makes Chloe Cochrane smile? Find out the small stuff that makes life grand, from trotting and cantering to indulging in fairy cakes to texting friends. ________________________________________________________________ The best thing I do for my health is ... breathe and try to be exactly where I am, like my mum. Three things that inspire me: mum, dad, my older bruv, and pets. My favorite summer pleasure: riding Noble Locks, eating an ice cream! Owning a horse has made me ... appreciate apples. My biggest pet peeve is ... tittle-tattles and vicious slags that don't care. The last time I went shopping, I bought ... skinny jeans, Cadbury Clusters. If I have a free 10 minutes, you'll find me ... surfing RSS feeds or peeking @ the hot4colin.com forum.. Shh, don't tell! I never get tired of reading ... maths! When I'm not in the mood to exercise, I tell myself ... Get off yer bloody bum! The part of my body that I'm most confident about: This must be a trick question. Aren't we all flawed? What I love about my life is ... being alive. Copyright 2010 Writersync
  15. 15. NNoott eevveerryytthhiinngg iinn lliiffee iiss SSEEEEDDYY!! ** EEmmmmaa CCoocchhrraannee,, PPrroopprriieettoorr BBeellggrraavviiaa,, LLoonnddoonn ++4444 ((00)) 2200 77225588 55887700 *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes ©2010 Writersync.
  16. 16. 28 With Emma Cochrane Mincing few words, the master UK cable telly chef, she of the best-selling cookbook SWEET TALK: DESSERTS FOR LOVERS and soon-to-hit-the shelves HOW TO BUTCHER MEAT BUT NOT YOUR HEART, hacks away at the blood-hungry types who've turned her burners into a celebrity fetish, and whatever else turns her off, and on... SS: Do you ever get tired of reading or hearing false rumors, like how easily you broke into in-house catering and appearing on the small screen? EC: Good Lord, yes! Food, like hearsay, can be fertile resource for imagination, but the real joy is in the doing, there are limitless recipes to experiment with, many ways to explore one's passions. In food, in life. SS: And marriage? EC: Next question? SS: Your parents passed away when you were three-years-old and you lived in a Presbyterian orphanage until running off shy of your eighteenth birthday. Who taught you Jewish cooking? EC: Sadly, I'm a self-taught whipper-upper, as is evident in my hips (Grins). But then I've always dreamt of a career in the culinary arts, even though it wasn't proper for a woman back then. Which is a shame, nonetheless it has changed, today there are many talented artists in kitchens, and other areas. SS: Scuttlebutt says you share many interests with a certain poet, such as A MOVEABLE FEAST, one of your favorite novels. Do you have any Hemingway moments reminding you of preparing and eating something special or unique? EC: There are so many smells and tastes recalling fond memories. Our family Creole Seder in 2006, for one, the spicy red matzo ball soup, gefilte fish, beetroot horseradish.
  17. 17. 29 Chicken gumbo with glossy black-eyed peas, fried green tomatoes, glistening pecan pie, and its unexpectedly flaky crust topped off by hot pots of yerba maté. And of course the deliciously symbolic scents wafting from the center plate, hand-baked matzo, fresh bitter herbs, fruit and nut mortar, salty water, sacrificial lamb shank, and Cajun-spiced roasted egg, raising other hard questions about faith and how one nightfall of blessings can begin anew with joy and end restraint. SS: Excellent "food for thought," particularly these days when we have difficulty committing to one thing, one lifestyle, diet, one job, one person... EC: One passion. So much is offered outright, and are there any modern women and men who aren't striving for something savory yet challenging, though I suppose it can be stressful focusing for some with so many eye-catching opportunities presented daily on one's plate. SS: What role do you think restaurants play in courtships? Do you think people develop instant intimacy because there are so many romantic eateries? Or perhaps less because we just don't have the time or means? EC: I think it's probably a bit of all three. But how exhilarating to discover a new bistro or trat on the corner, and in our salad days, Colin and I certainly loved that mix of scrummy food and ambiance. Unfortunately, so many now in and around London and Los Angeles are loud and staked out by intrusive reporters and paparazzi. SS: You're a mature woman projecting a healthy body image. Do you think young girls like your daughter Chloe are moving forward or backward in their eating habits? EC: People tend to stuff back feelings. Or conversely look like cardboard cutouts of starving actresses not enjoying food, attracting illness. Putting out bad vibes. Moderation, that's the fork in the road to maneuver round, small helpings, bits of everything with a splurge now and then on something decadent when it strikes your fancy, and yoga and meditation early in the morning, positivity, that's the yin and yang of it now for me. And Chloe. SS: Many women fancy eating to sex-- would rather have chocolate. EC: Cor blimey, why not both, open up and awaken your senses... SS: Sounds steamy! With Passion tea? EC: You could have. It depends-- SS: --on how long you want to linger? EC: [The studio chef pauses with a wry smile]. Just not on the past. ©2010 Writersync
  18. 18. 31 Adonai & Us The Dublin Castle Camden, London AN OUTRAGEOUS raven-haired beauty with Sabra roots, experiencing liberation-through- shimmy alongside a lithe cadre of teary-eyed mishpucha: Haven't we lived this pop culture moment before? In many ways, kayn, Matisyahu devotees say in concert. But as the first night of this dreamy "Jew-Boys' Challahpalooza Tour," a 12-date run, progresses and its three shaggy members plus talented backup tear through two-plus hours of chaotic, breathless mysticism, it becomes clear the frenzied drummer's DNA is just one of many strands. The Mensch--what he's now called and earned at 18-years-old, with approximately one album and family scandal to his name--contains multitudes. Show opener "To Dream: You Are the Light" from this year's eight-song EP Fame Eater, succeeds with heady whiffs of vintage Klezmer, melodies alternating between major and minor keys, reminiscent of the human voice Music
  19. 19. 32 laughing, weeping, with bits of nerdy-boy-matures stage patter echoing the band's early garage days. But their surprisingly rich musicianship sets them apart: At various points, the drummer's sticks fly with both giddy abandon and technical dexterity, his voice blending, purring, and sustaining stadium- filling high notes, seemingly without significant digital assist-- and often as if while dangling from clouds of stage haze or flung precariously mid-air over sweat-slicked cymbals. To be fair, the incessant davening comes off a bit obsessive in the grand confines of Dublin Castle. Clothes-wise, though, the group's wardrobe cabal spares no expense, kitting them in both standard rock gear (black leather pants, wide belt, big buckle, black boots), and gonzo Orthodox Jewish attire best describe as, variously, shtetl, Borough Park, and Hollywood Bowl-of-Chicken-Soup with no costume changes to hinder the show's swift momentum, but these are gornisht, mere quibbles. At best, ADONAI & US are fantastic, multifaceted fun--a Yiddish-Hebrew vamp on the upbeat yet sad "Dis-Guy's Dybbuk" and lazy-dazed-erotic "Shabbos Love Interlude," full-blown Brits-in-your-face on resiny slow "Chai, Let's Go Get Sconed," and figures of commanding Lubavitcher Rebbes-gravitas on the hungry lamenting ballads "Ha-Shem Desires the Heart" and unreleased "He and We." Also, apparently, the audience-esteemed gurus fashioned in glitter black kippot and tallitot have nothing but praise and affection for the fans they call "Adonaying" anointing the crowd with anecdotal blessings and "you are all members of Our Tribe" exhortations throughout. That may be true. But on this night, different from all other nights, they're high-spirited and deliriously happy to bask in the Jew-boys' light alone. A- © 2010 Writersync
  20. 20. PPrreesseennttiinngg ""BBaattttllee ooff tthhee JJeeww--BBooyy BBaannddss"" An Evening of Elation and Celebration FFeeaattuurriinngg tthhee UUKK''ss AAwwaarrdd--WWiinnnniinngg KKlleezzmmeerr--RRoocckk EEnnsseemmbbllee AAddoonnaaii && UUss Kl e z me r Mu s i c Fe s t i v a l Th i r d An n u a l CCHHAALLLLAAHHPPAALLOOOOZZAA SSuunnddaayy,, 1133 JJuullyy,, 77::0000 PP..MM.. WWaalllliinnggffoorrdd SScchhooooll,, CCoocchhrraannee HHaallll.. SSuuppppoorrtteedd iinn ppaarrtt bbyy aa ggrraanntt ffrroomm tthhee AArrttss && CCuullttuurree IInniittiiaattiivvee ooff JJeewwiisshh OOrrpphhaannss.. TTiicckkeettss:: ££5500 RReegguullaarr SSeeaattiinngg,, ££110000 VVIIPP,, ££550000 SSppoonnssoorr.. *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. No affiliation is implied. *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes only. No ownership is implied. *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes only. No ownership is implied.
  21. 21. Wh o l l y My s t i c a l Discover the Art of Living in the Negev. Sabra* AIR® Run to something not from. ™ *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  22. 22. BBeesstt ccoovveerraaggee wwoorrllddwwiiddee.. MMoorree pphhoonneess tthhaatt tteexxtt ttoo mmoorree ccoouunnttrriieess,, lliikkee AAccrroossss tthhee PPoonndd.. $$qquuaannddeerr..ccoomm//gglloobbaall BBeesstt ccoovveerraaggee ccllaaiimm bbaasseedd oonn gglloobbaall ccoovveerraaggee ooff UU..SS.. ccaalllleerrss.. AAccttiivvaattiioonn ooff iinntteerrnnaattiioonnaall sseerrvviiccee rreeqquuiirreedd.. ©©22001100 $$qquuaannddeerr IInntteelllleeccttuuaall PPrrooppeerrttyy.. SSeerrvviiccee pprroovviiddeedd bbyy $$qquuaannddeerr MMoobbiilliittyy.. AAllll rriigghhttss rreesseerrvveedd.. $$qquuaannddeerr,, tthhee $$qquuaannddeerr llooggoo,, aanndd aallll ootthheerr mmaarrkkss ccoonnttaaiinneedd hheerreeiinn aarree ttrraaddeemmaarrkkss ooff $$qquuaannddeerr IInntteelllleeccttuuaall PPrrooppeerrttyy aanndd//oorr $$qquuaannddeerr aaffffiilliiaatteedd ccoommppaanniieess.. AAllll ootthheerr mmaarrkkss ccoonnttaaiinneedd tthheerreeiinn aarree tthhee pprrooppeerrttyy ooff tthheeiirr rreessppeeccttiivvee oowwnneerrss.. CCoovveerraaggee nnoott aavvaaiillaabbllee iinn aallll aarreeaass tthhoouugghh cchhaarrggeess ssttiillll aappppllyy.. *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  23. 23. I'm as big as... 3ft. 5in._____________ Beach party with new pals. 3ft. 4 in._____________ Start going to camp. Breathe air. Learn how to make friends. 3ft. 2in.______________Still spending spare time alone. 3ft. 1in.______________Play video games without supervision for days; develop repetitive stress injury. At DigiCare*, we take kids with numb thumbs and help them become functioning members of the gaming community. And thanks to countless corporate donors, DigiCare will continue to help children globally overcome Nintenditis and other phalangeal challenges so they can grow to enjoy adulthood with weak wrists. Please visit our website at www.helpinghand.com DigiCare...because we can! **TThhiiss iiss aa ffaauuxx aaddvveerrttiisseemmeenntt ccrreeaatteedd ssttrriiccttllyy ffoorr eenntteerrttaaiinnmmeenntt ppuurrppoosseess ©© 22001100 WWrriitteerrssyynncc..
  24. 24. 1 OOnnee ffoorr tthhee BBooookkss LLoovvee && DDeeaatthh OOvveerr TTeeaa ((AAtt tthhee fflleeuurr ddee LLiiss)) You say brooding, exasperating, Self-Deprecating, polarizing Brit like it’s a bad thing. eet Colin Cochrane: Actor, pianist, composer, author, and self- deprecating wit, he loves Dunhill cigarettes, sipping tea, eating sweets, and playing a dapper ex-jewel thief but not his contractual face-fuzz or leaving his family behind in London bound for location shoots in New Orleans, the site of serial TV's eponymous Heist. Status: Befuddled. By life, by technology, preferring chocolate chips to microchips, and even if he could manage, texting is not the same as talking. Love comes from the voice. But who can bloody hear him profess it with camera phones snapping about on all sides, and good Lord, he misses Emma, his wife. Enter Danae Nathan (nee Levy): Impatient with the ordinary, the provocative author of RIPE brings her juicy new read to New Orleans and just as unworldly; she's dreamy, quirky but clever with true depth. And real curves, an anomaly like her slightly wild, untamed quality. Status: Hovering mother, devoted daughter, loyal friend, married to Sam, but lately there's baggage. She needs MapQuest to find her g-spot and this little guilt trip he's taking her on, she does not want to go. At first sip LOVE & DEATH OVER TEA is about three couples and a single man all facing 50, seven people stranded in hot water. An odd number mostly because love is odd. It always leaves someone out. Occasionally it is icy, but more often it is steamy, mystical, and full-bodied, needs to steep, sometimes too strong, sometimes too weak. Either way, it never turns out the way you’d expect. Like tea, love can be handpicked, ripe, green and sweet. It might be medicinal, or similar to death, black. You never know what bitterness is brewing beneath when on the surface fidelity is a living, breathing entity. Think The Big Chill meets The Big C meets The Big Easy, where when it comes to teas, small talk dies in agonies, as Percy Bysshe Shelley unwittingly penned about sipping from love's cup with no clue whatsoever how the delicate roots of seven lives will soon drown on the vine, dry, or intertwine. Until next time! Aurora Earl-Grey, Editorial Director Copyright 2010 Superstar/Writersync M
  25. 25. TTThhheee FFFiiirrreeesss ooofff hhheeellllll AAA fffuuunnn ppplllaaaccceee tttooo ppplllaaayyy GGGeeehhheeennnnnnaaa® AAA nnneeewww vvviiidddeeeooo gggaaammmeee bbbyyy AAArrriii NNNaaattthhhaaannn WWWhhheeerrreee wwwiiillllll yyyooouuu bbbeee iiinnn ttthhheee aaafffttteeerrrllliiifffeee??? ™™™ copyright 2010 Writersync
  26. 26. 38 Sixty Insane Seconds (give or take) with Ari Nathan, Genius of Video Game Porn LIFE'S A GAME IN 4D, THAT'S YOUR PHILOSOPHY. UH-HUH, CUZ INTERACTIVE ENTERTAINMENT, LIKE LIFE, IS FREAKING EERIE. A MOVING PUZZLE. I LIKE PUZZLES. AT AGE 18, YOU CREATED GEHENNA®, THE AWARD-WINNING MASSIVELY MULTIPLAYER ONLINE ROLE-PLAYING GAME, BASED ON...? THAT PLACE OF EVERLASTING DESTRUCTION WHERE WICKED PEOPLE GO IN THE AFTERLIFE, THROUGH THE GATES AT THE VALLEY LEADING DOWN TO A FIERY LAKE, RICH WITH SCENERY, AND LOTS OF DASTARDLY VILLAINS AND NUBILE CONCUBINES. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? DIDN'T USED TO BE. AND DON'T YOU HAVE ADHD, AND UNTIL RECENTLY, A STUTTERING PROBLEM. YEAH. IT WAS FRUSTRATING. MAN, I WAS FRUSTRATED. WILL CODER-KIDS LIKE YOU EVER LEAD THE WAY BACK TOWARD SIMPLER VALUES, TRUE HAPPINESS? THERE IS NO GOING BACK. AND VALUES, HELL, I MEAN, THE THING ABOUT TRUTH IS THAT WHO THINKS IT ACTUALLY EXISTS. WHEN YOU'RE 12, YOU CAN’T WAIT TO FIND OUT AND GROW UP. REMEMBER WHAT IT'S LIKE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, HOW YOU WONDER WHAT KIND OF CRUEL DEITY WOULD DECIDE THAT THE BEST TIME TO PERFORM BIOLOGY EXPERIMENTS ON YOUR FACE IS THE DAY YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO LOOK GOOD, ACT COOL. SO THE POINT IS...? IN OUR CULTURE, NOT THAT WE WASTE YOUTH ON THE YOUNG, BUT EVERYTHING'S WASTED. ON EVERYONE. ARE YOU GIFTED? OR SECRETLY INSANE? I'M INSANE BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THIS BUSINESS IS INSANE. IT’S WHAT KEEPS ME FUNCTIONING. IT’S HOW I EARN A LIVING. I BELIEVE ALL OF US ARE INSANE AND DON'T KNOW IT. PEOPLE GET THIS IMPRESSION OF INSANITY BY OSMOSIS FROM TV AND MOVIES AND MAGAZINES, SORRY. YOU SEE THESE PERFECT PEOPLE AND THEY'RE VIRTUALLY NUTS. AND YOU'RE THINKING, "IF THEY’RE ALL WACK AND LOOK THAT GOOD MAKING STUFF UP, WHY DO I WANT TO GET UP IN THE MORNING AND WORK 9 TO 5 LIKE A NORMAL PERSON….” OK. WELL, THANKS. SURE, DUDE. ANYTIME. BEEN CRAZY FUN. COPYRIGHT 2010 WRITERSYNC
  27. 27. 39 THE IT ListThis Month SUPERSTAR ###111DDDAAANNNAAAEEE NNNAAATTTHHHAAANNN Are you ready for the world's most cerebral word slut, empowering women everywhere who feel passed over, with a sense of raw vulnerability, restlessness, loneliness and the agony and ecstasy of self coupled with flowing lyrics and ingesting them with sustained arousal balanced by juicy rewards in an orgasmic arc? Whew, a literal soul tryst comes true... If only she would grant us an interview! This ethereal creature that alters the atmosphere of every room she enters, does exactly what she puts her mind to. Destined from the second she could walk and talk to do whatever she dreams of, exuding an unexpected tenacity, a certain indefinable uncontrived essence that makes you want to be in her presence, who has raised two brilliant kids, encouraging them to be comfortable in their own skins, which hopefully they will be, once the public eases up? Who can blame a woman for something she didn't know she did, the lives she unknowingly and forever altered? Someday soon, like other people and other things, the truth will come out. Meanwhile we might be cutting off our nose to spite our face, but SUPERSTAR salutes the RIPE woman of stimulating words who chooses for whatever reason at this time to zip her lips! Copyright 2010 Writersync
  28. 28. 40 SUPERSTAR BREW-HA-HA WHO What SUPERSTAR Says The 411 His “Who, me?” Response Still Sexy? Colin Cochrane Age: 50 “This British wit's lilting accent launches countless fantasies. Makes self-deprecation scrummy.” “'Lucky' stiff, he's built a criminally addictive resume.” “Golly, you’ve given a bloke from Blighty the ego boost of a lifetime!” His sky blue eyes are the reason Heist flies high in ratings. Sam Nathan Age: 50 "Bonds are still tops to the Big Apple broker, but tell that to his swooning foodies!" "There’s no biz like chow biz for the busy bistro savant.” “Bite me,” he winks whisking up fluffy meringue. He finds statements and menus with kiss marks! Eli Rubin Age: 50 "Tall on ethics, and filled with towering hopes." “Those soulful eyes revive more torn hearts than defibrillators!” "Practice forgiveness." (Religiously?) So selfless God anoints him (so did Newsweek). Jake Klein Age: 50 "A buff ex-agent who tickles our funny bones, and other fun body parts.” “Easily satisfied with the very best. Maybe that's why the player never married?” “Day we stop lookin', dude, is the day we die...” GQ snapped him for their Man of the Year cover. And giving from his heart is why. Fletcher "Stew" Stewart Age: 50 “The ginger-haired chef displays ballsy recipes with boyish charm.” “Seasoned, unlike his hormones, he wears legend (and lost love) lightly.” Sadly, when you allow your life to go public, you can't expect people not to have opinions on how you live it!” With the funds he’s helped raise, this hottie’s predicted to be amFAR’s poster gay, uh, guy. Aiden Cochrane Age: 18 “Oxford bound, he's a seriously sexy Klezmer Rock drummer.” “L.A. agents are hot to sign this emotionally naked up-and-comer." “No comment.” (Obviously, he follows his father.) A recent ad for his band shows the muscle man in a tallis texting you- know-who… Ari Nathan Age: 18 “The kind of teddy bear you really want to take to bed…R-rated.” “Living proof that playing games can get you somewhere!” “I don’t take this stuff too seriously. Now if I was chosen Yankees MVP…” “Imagine cuddling right off the bat before being ravished!” raved Game Grrrls mag. Seymour Rubin Age: 80 "A Jewish 'Archie Bunker,' he's irascible yet lovable." "Old-timer with a temper milder than the chubby coronas he stubs out underfoot." “Feygele? Vey iz mir! What kind of farcockt thing is that to say?” A retired plumber with a sunken chest, big belly and baggy plaid golf pants. Max Levy (RIP) “Tough on the outside, there was mush on the inside he tried to hide.” A true visionary, with cobalt eyes, he loved from his loins..." "I'm open to everything imaginable!" (We get the picture) The graybeard definitely stood the test of time,” says Time. Copyright 2010 Writersync
  29. 29. PPPiiinnnkkk ttteeeaaa fffooorrr pppaaammmpppeeerrreeeddd pppeeeooopppllleee wwwhhhooossseee pppeeetttsss aaarrreee ttthhheeeiiirrr ooottthhheeerrr pppaaassssssiiiooonnn™™™ *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  30. 30. Presents TTTooo LLLoooyyyaaalll PPPeeetttsss """GGGooooooddd wwwhhhooollleeesssooommmeee fffooooooddd fffooorrr yyyooouuurrr pppooooooccchhh!!! ™™™""" *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. Shpilkes Levy-Meir Petey Rubin Watson Cochrane
  31. 31. ^ COME TASTE THE HAGGIS! Sponsored by the Regional Coalition of Sheep Growers* *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. No affiliation is implied.
  32. 32. The journey counts, not the destination.* *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. No affiliation is implied.
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  36. 36. PPPAAAIIINNN??? GGoo ffrroomm bbaadd ttoo bbeetttteerr iinn oonnee fflliipp.. FFFuuuccckkkiiitttaaallllll®®® ssttaarrttss rreelliieevviinngg yyoouurr ppaaiinn iinn tthhee ttiimmee iitt ttaakkeess aa TTrriiuummpphh mmoottoorrccyyccllee ttoo hhyyddrrooppllaannee iinn tthhee rraaiinn.. IIttss pprroovveenn ffoorrmmuullaa aallssoo ttrreeaattss tthhee aassssoocciiaatteedd ssyymmppttoommss ooff ffaammee,, lloonneelliinneessss,, hheeaarrttbbrreeaakk,, ddeepprreessssiioonn,, aanndd ffrruussttrraattiioonn.. IInn ffaacctt,, iitt’’ss tthhee ##11 ddrruugg ppuusshheedd bbyy tthhoossee iinn tthhee kknnooww..** HHHooooookkkuuuppp LLLaaabbbsss®®® AAA PPPlllaaaccceeebbbooo fffooorrr LLLooovvveee™™™ *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  37. 37. ® ® ““ -- ** ** ”” ™™ CCooppyyrriigghhtt 22001100 WWrriitteerrssyynncc
  38. 38. 49 RRREEEAAADDD AAALLLLLL AAABBBOOOUUUTTT IIITTT::: B.eautiful R.ebel E.mbraces W.isdom! HHHOOOWWW DDDOOOEEESSS JJJUUUDDDYYY RRRUUUBBBIIINNN,,, aaa bbbaaaaaalll ttteeessshhhuuuvvvaaahhh “““rrreeetttuuurrrnnniiinnnggg""" tttooo OOOrrrttthhhooodddoooxxx JJJuuudddaaaiiisssmmm (((ssstttrrriiiccctttlllyyy fffooorrr hhheeerrr hhhuuusssbbbaaannnddd))) ssspppeeeaaakkk ooouuuttt aaabbbooouuuttt lllooovvveee,,, fffiiidddeeellliiitttyyy,,, aaannnddd fffaaaiiittthhh??? FFFiiieeerrrccceeelllyyy hhhooonnneeesssttt wwwiiittthhh fffeeeiiissstttyyy ssspppiiirrriiittt AAALLLLLL hhheeerrr ooowwwnnn!!! Q: That B.R.E.W. acronym, as a full-figured member of the "East Eden God Squad," what does it mean to you, how does it make you feel? A: Like one of the luckiest women in the world who never knew it. [Stares at sky with tears in her eyes as if Onion matzo isn't the only bread of her affliction]. Empowered. Q: By...? A: Life. Startling realizations about our religious, cultural and social obsessions and real-life solutions that could and should encourage all of us--no matter what gender, faith, color, shape and size--to express beliefs and accept without bias. Q: Easier said than done. A: [Sighs] Chalk it up to being human. We all make mistakes. Q: We goofed, big time. Last month's issue spotlighted your BFF, Danae Nathan, but just as those pages hit the stands, you called our office with the news that she declared a full-on media blackout! A: Doesn't mean she's happy about it. Q: Readers are still shocked, in outpourings of writing, emailing, and texting: “Danae's words touch me, deeply” grieved one commenter on superstar.com. “She has more life than anyone I know! I haven't met her and might never, but she's changed me completely!” Apparently, Danae has that effect on countless people.
  39. 39. 50 A: She is a piece of work; oy gevalt let me tell you, even if she occasionally has crazy head. Q: Another quaint Judy-ism. Do you practice what you preach? A: I'm not always proud of my behavior either [stifles sob]. Isn't it amazing how we find new and creative ways to mess up our lives? Q: Like being "Top Google Trend." A: Do not go there! Has to be more to life than eating veggies, counting carbs and watching Grey's Anatomy! And there's been so much absurdity about Danae on trash TV! Beyond these months bare with the heavy weight of shame, blame and apologies! Q: Right. And It might sound trite, from Zivia Levy's perspective of the Zen philosophy her daughter ostensibly strives daily putting into practice, but she reveals her soul to the world despite ongoing struggles with the press, penning things heartbreaking, profound yet hilarious and until lately lived as if she meant it. Now she’s mum and you must be... A: Aching, you have no idea! And frustrated, sometimes it's easier living the lie [shoves knuckle between teeth] but in truth Danae's been like a sister to me, and brave, even by phone, she makes me see stuff neither of us wants to-- Q: Are you referring to your son Jesse's liver transplant, or Eli? Our sources say he's-- A: A wonderful man, devoted father, loyal friend, and don't go printing anything else or-- Q: We wouldn’t think of impugning his character! Uh, back to Danae, anything else you’d like to share. A: She lives deep, a thinker and staunch defender of women's self- expression to the end. ____________________________________________________________ TTThhheee RRRIIIPPPEEE CCCooolllllleeeccctttiiivvveee,,, aaa nnnooonnnppprrrooofffiiittt hhheeelllpppiiinnnggg fffaaammmiiillliiieeesss ooofff sssiiiccckkk ccchhhiiillldddrrreeennn wwwiiittthhh fffiiinnnaaannnccciiiaaalll nnneeeeeedddsss,,, hhhaaasss eeessstttaaabbbllliiissshhheeeddd ttthhheee JJJeeesssssseee RRRuuubbbiiinnn gggrrraaannnttt,,, gggiiivvveeennn tttooo ttthhhooossseee wwwiiittthhh nnneeevvveeerrr---sssaaayyy---dddiiieee ssspppiiirrriiittt... TTTooo llleeeaaarrrnnn mmmooorrreee,,, cccooonnntttaaacccttt IIIAAAAAA TTTaaallleeennnttt,,, BBBeeevvveeerrrlllyyy HHHiiillllllsss,,, CCCAAA,,, aaattttttnnn... JJJaaakkkeee KKKllleeeiiinnn... CCooppyyrriigghhtt 22001100 WWrriitteerrssyynncc
  40. 40. It's a Brand New Brew! Serving up sips of inspiration and empowering information about our cultural and social obsessions, encouraging self-esteem with real-life solutions and exclusive-only features like reader stories, music, videos, T-shirts, B.R.E.W. mugs to browse, B.R.E.W. jewelry, unisex infusions and fun polls! . . Copyright 2010 Writersync
  41. 41. WWhhoo kknnoowwss tthhaatt vvooooddoooo tthhaatt yyoouu ddoo ssoo wweellll?? BB..RR..EE..WW.. ™™ AA sseedduuccttiivvee uunniisseexx sskkiinn iinnffuussiioonn.. ®® CCoommiinngg ssoooonn...... Getty Images photo. B.R.E.W copyright 2010 Writersync
  42. 42. Copyright 2010 Writersync BB..eeaauuttiiffuull RR..eebbeellss EE..mmbbrraacciinngg WW..iissddoomm,, ™™ tthheerree’’ss aa mmiinndd--bblloowwiinngg nneeww BB..RR..EE..WW.. aawwaaiittiinngg yyoouu!! GGeett rreeaaddyy ttoo ttaassttee hhoott ttooppiiccss,, cchheeww tthheemm oovveerr,, ddiiggeesstt,, aanndd lleett lloooossee aanndd llaauugghh.. WWhheenn yyoouu''rree ccrraavviinngg aa ppllaaccee ttoo qquueenncchh yyoouurr ccuurriioossiittyy aanndd hhaavvee YYOOUURR ssaayy,, tthhiiss 2244//77 cceerreebbrraall ccaaffee iiss aa rreeffuuggee ffrroomm tthhee ffrruussttrraattiioonnss ooff lliiffee.. IInndduullggee,, vviirrttuuaallllyy ssiipp ssoommee tteeaa,, aanndd ssttiirr uupp ssoommee ssaavvoorryy ccoonnvveerrssaattiioonn.. WWee''rree aallll tthhiirrssttyy ffoorr tthhee ccoommppaannyy ooff ggoooodd ffrriieennddss @@
  43. 43. 55 SSUUPPEERRSSTTAARR IInnvveessttiiggaattiivvee PPrrooffiillee:: EEaasstt EEddeenn HHuummaann RRiigghhttss AAddvvooccaattee EEllii RRuubbiinn ften we find the answers to our bloodiest moral questions are on the playground. Take Eli Rubin. When we first spied the stoic scholar and mathematical savant in the summer of 2004, it had been a night of passionate solidarity, coupled with intellectual head butting, yet in the face of doubt, he was sipping a glass of Sweet Touch Nee tea, slumping alone in the dark on some cracked concrete steps. Mired in a chilling debate between his faith and the ability to reach a conclusion based on empirical observations and facts, he kept pulling on his trim black beard beneath the threat of lightning, stretching out his cramped legs, praying in a dazed haze for any measure of bloodless restraint. “I’m not made of stone,” he whispered, head bowed, curly forelocks beneath his kippah springing in his face. “Make it stop, please, please,” he pleaded pinching his nostrils, peeking at the dark thundering heavens, “please give me strength to get through this, especially at home?” Is the tall, spindly sad sack with a chronic crimson drip deep in crisis? Is he telling the truth, that he's just a browbeaten Hebrew school teacher at the cheder, the worn brick building in East Eden, New Jersey, where the spectacled man trudges more than a mile each way toward its crumbling facade, at one time a Reform temple before they relocated. O
  44. 44. 56 Is he just that, a cash-strapped Orthodox Jew, adhering strictly to Mosaic laws, or the most underestimated advocate in America for a pious group despised by its own faith? For many years, something new has been brewing in Orthodoxy—"orthopraxy," or devotion to defining its practice but not those mandating what one should or must believe, and evidence suggests this is quite common among this close-knit community. The concept of following ritual laws out of a sense of complacency—or even a level of belief that compels personal choice but not condemnation of others—even if they'll denounce such leniency in practice. When it comes to issues of daily worship there's nothing about keeping the Sabbath or avoiding milk with meat that is likely to conflict with conscience, though for most dissenters, such aspects of rigid obedience to rituals may not be worth picking a fight, in the schoolyard or otherwise. But young Orthodox Jews, and those returning to it, are proving they are more than willing to put up their dukes, at least to the point of outwardly acknowledging emotional suffering in their community. These events represent a brimming-over of a roiling issue, in typical fashion for heated debate in the Orthodox community, reluctant to embrace engagement with the modern world. But these changes aren't enough to solve the problem of exclusion in Orthodoxy. The whole premise of tikkun olam, repairing the world, relieving human suffering, is a call for change, meanwhile, keeping laws unswerving while liberal members ask that others learn to acknowledge diversity. Orthodox Jews face that question in a way that no other modern issue presents: Do you believe so strongly in the necessity for compliance that you're willing to suffer, or see friends or relatives suffer. For those who still answer "no," the fight ahead will be bloody, not a win-win for those struggling to leave Orthodoxy behind to embrace that which seems like a world of endless opportunities to others coming from relatively confining attitudes, and to that, we humbly say AMEN. Copyright 2010 Writersync
  45. 45. UPYOURS® The practical super-stick. For wounds that never heal. ™ *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  46. 46. TThhee PPrreessiiddeenntt’’ss CCoouunncciill oonn PPhhyyssiiccaall FFiittnneessss aanndd SSppoorrttss HHoonnoorrss DDaannaaee NNaatthhaann FFoouunnddeerr ooff tthhee nneeww LLiivveerr TTrraannssppllaanntt WWiinngg aatt CCHHOOPP SSaalluuttiinngg HHeerr CCoommmmiittmmeenntt ttoo FFiigghhttiinngg AAllpphhaa 11--AAnnttiittrryyppssiinn DDeeffiicciieennccyy SSIIPP LLEESSSS SSTTAARRBBUUCCKKSS SSPPLLUURRGGEE OONN RREEEEBBOOCCKKSS *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. No affiliation or ownership is implied.
  47. 47. 3
  48. 48. 59 SSSmmmoooooottthhh OOOpppeeerrraaatttooorrr SSUUPPEERRSSTTAARR ddeellvveess iinnttoo tthhee mmiinndd ooff ccrraazzyy--bbuussyy oonnccoollooggiicc ssuurrggeeoonn DDrr.. EE.. RRiicchhaarrdd MMaarrgguulliieess.. AAnndd wwhhaatt wwee ffoouunndd iissnn’’tt aallwwaayyss ssaannee…… ind anyone in the public eye with a clear conscience (if you can) and chances are they haven’t yet visited the millionaire threadbare Manhattan offices of the doctor considered by most The Closest Thing to a confessional. That is, unless your name is Danae Nathan. QQQ::: Can you explain the severity of the provocative poet's condition without risking the HIPAA privacy rule? AAA::: A non-issue, it's being leaked by the media as we speak that she has an anaplastic astrocytoma, Grade III. Its tentacles are growing rapidly, spreading through the white matter of the cerebral hemispheres. Hers is midline, diencephalic. A monster. Removal is difficult. QQQ::: How so? AAA::: Impossible, without risking her life, navigating a minefield of rock-and-hard-place options between older treatments that will not work and cutting- edge treatments with equally negative results. Not to mention counterattacks from cadres of advocacy groups supporting alternative-medicine therapies, for-profit companies, quacks. And one of the trickier things about helping cancer patients with impaired thinking, learning, speech and emotions to determine their coping skills is how differently they all react. QQQ::: What was Danae's reaction when you divulged your diagnosis? AAA::: (Slight pause. The silver fox smiles, then it fades, his square chin lifting a few degrees.) She simply stared straight ahead, reflecting upon my Salvador Dali print, “All’s Well That Ends Well,” with its positive and negative female figures dancing toward the dreamlike dark angel of death framed in clear glass hanging up on the far wall, whispering, “And they say cancer docs don’t know how to party...” QQQ::: Amazing. Then you prescribed-- AAA::: Chemotherapy. And steroids. Immediately to reduce swelling. In the cerebrum. Short term, I advised a cycle of Temodar, an oral med that interferes with growth in cancer cells, to slow the spread of the tumor. After that, another MRI, and more blood tests, though I suggested she think extremely carefully about what other treatments she did or did not want to investigate as worse impairments arise. QQQ::: Wow, Dr. Margulies, that's a depressing mountain to climb. AAA::: (Nods begrudgingly) Unfortunately starting with multiple courses of fractionated, intracavitary and/or intraarterial doses, from which most patients suffer permanent changes in memory, concentration, and the ability to perform mental F
  49. 49. 60 tasks dubbed “chemo brain,” an absurd Catch-22. Clove tea, and cigarettes rolled with it lessen the nausea. And of course, cannabis is a quick antiemetic. QQQ::: Are you saying she's comfortable with that? AAA::: (Stern laughs at that last bit). We arranged "first-line therapy" scripts for synthetic THC through a colleague of mine in California. Though he had second thoughts writing it. Neither is risk- free. Or cheap. QQQ::: Word is Danae struggled like hell to keep this news from her family. AAA::: How much more financial pressure does Sam need. And fractionated radiation, 3-D conformal, biotherapy and immunotherapy might also have been useful to a degree, but with their dwindling expenses, Danae's overall prognosis is, well, in her situation, a sense of humor helps. QQQ::: Another shining example of why you have to hurt before you ever learn to deal? AAA::: If not heal, emotionally speaking. You want me to get inside a woman’s head. Married, at that (Laughs softly). Please... QQQ::: What does a tumor like this come from, how did it happen, is it something she did, can she pass this on to her kids? AAA::: (The doctor stares down at his black crocodile moccasins as though they are made of cement). There is no identifiable cause, but it does occur more frequently with a family history of colon cancer. Either way, she has a rocky road ahead. QQQ::: But she's done-- AAA::: Plenty, avoiding the press--her sole coping technique--after getting concurring opinions at Memorial Sloan-Kettering, John’s Hopkins, Dana- Farber in Boston, Penn’s Abramson, and recommendations for palliative care and gene testing for increased cancer risk which mercifully came back negative. Information is one thing; truth another, adding more stress than the noxious medicines Danae needs to down just to get through her days. So show some compassion, give her a break. Back off. QQQ::: She states in one poetic verse, Change is possible. AAA::: May I state emphatically that she isn’t thrilled to celebrate the fatalist she’s become, awakening everyday realizing what she'd done, keeping her family in the dark, feeling that disconnection, but the French have this saying: “Tout casse, tout passé, tout lasse—everything breaks, everything passes, nothing lasts.” And she writes about that, a lot. Re- reading it daily, struggling through denial, then that feeling everything happens for a reason; screaming into bed pillows so no one hears her bargaining with God to let her live long enough to see her family settled and happy. Ready to appreciate life and the living of it, however raucous. QQQ So Dr. Margulies, would you say Danae finally sees the light through the window of experience, sheer wisdom and the ruse of the media, Madison Avenue, and those in this town who put way too much emphasis on perfection, or what is currently lauded by the major players in show biz as perfection? AAA::: No one forces a woman, or man, for that matter, to change. Enduring illness or not, it’s more a matter of learning to live with a measure of comfort in your own skin. QQQ::: At least that’s something Personal Choice can’t claim’s a pre-existing condition! AAA::: And though her sickness isn't "viral," she uses that medium to fire back against those who balk at censorship, inequality, and raises monies for multiple charities. QQQ::: Then what can we say to beg pardon? That lame, awful, passé phrase: “You go, girl!” The world applauds your honesty, Danae Nathan, your willingness to speak out in print at least for those who cannot. ©2010 Writersync. No affiliation implied
  50. 50. Dying for something dark and sinful? There’s a chocoholic in everyone. Danae Nathan found hers. Find yours at mms.com* ® *This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync. No ownership is implied.
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  59. 59. 4 Remind us never to come for dinner at your place Hey, I loved y'all's last issue spotlighting the similarities between show biz and family: the players and looming dangers like pride, envy, greed, gluttony, lust, anger, panic, repression, depression, promiscuous sex, compound addictions, all the destructive things that can lead to failure and premature death. Laissez le bon temps rouler! Dr. Mort Chewary Grim, LA Yeah, Doc, those guys and girly-ghouls really let the good times roll... Shiksasphiel Whew-w-w, book agent Paige Turner is stacked! No wonder Jake Klein and the guys in L.A. have fallen hard for her. Does she play Strip Dreidel? Mendel Klutz Brooklyn, NY Sorry, Mendel, hope your life insurance is paid, but keep in mind that it's harder to spin a line that tired while you're in traction, or from the grave. Fame-crazed Mazel tov on the "Hooray for Hollywood" issue! The pullout map of hot spots like famous surgeons' offices was better than any star bus tour! Cher N. Sharealike Anchorage, AK Well, that's nicer than that chilly letter we got from the karaoke singer who sued us for Botox shots. Keeping it in the family Your special issue exposé on the Nathan family secrets was a real mindblower. On behalf of all men in lifelong therapy from the City of Brotherly Love, I raise a glass. David Duped Drinker Philadelphia, PA We appreciate the compliment, but if you really want to honor Sam, how about you toss the whole bottle and attend an AA meeting instead? Matzo Ball Thanks awfully for the update on the Cochran's kosher kitchen, garden, and tidy garage! Bloody lovely decor, landscaping and party tips! Moshe "The Ladle" Smith Liverpool Prison Erm, we'd make some sort of snarky comment if we weren't afraid some of your chums in the big house for trunking would take them for a ride. Setting the record straight Spill it, you bitches. Is a certain lawyer's childhood friend the one who let it slip that Jake Klein, not Eli Rubin, might be the father of his four IVF fraternal twins. T. Buzz Spreader Hollywood, CA We'd love to tell ya, T Buzz, but then we'd have to kill ya...or take away your copy of the Advocate. Copyright 2010 Writersync
  60. 60. HIDEAWAY Properties  Newly listed, exceedingly desirable and rare manse exuding old world opulence in affluent Westwood's HOLMBY HILLS consisting of six bedrooms with spectacular marble fireplaces, 12 baths. Exquisite grand entry hall with domed skylight, dramatic "great room," formal dining room, breakfast room, cathedral ceiling library, media room, wine tasting room, fitness room with sauna and spa suite.  Seven-car detached garage. Resort-like Acreage comprises Guest mews with eat-in custom kitchen, meticulously manicured Formal English gardens including magnificent marble fountains, trellised covered walkways and tended roses, charming pet residence, lighted clay tennis court with viewing pavilion, and junior sized Olympic pool and cabana/party dwelling.  total 51,025.28 Square feet, component of three (3) Los Angeles County Assessor Parcels comprising 19 lots, Part of the Platinum Triangle (along with Bel Air and Beverly Hills).  Cross Streets: South Mapleton Drive and North Carolwood Drive. Community Amenities combine privately employed Police Force, armed-gate street access with secluded drive, unique street lamps, speed bumps to reduce traffic, panoramic views of entire Los Angeles Basin, superior public and private Schools.  Shown to pre-approved buyers only. UUnnddeerr ccoonnttrraacctt!! HIDEAWAY® The steep haven of your dreams. ™ **TThhiiss iiss aa ffaauuxx aaddvveerrttiisseemmeenntt ccrreeaatteedd ssttrriiccttllyy ffoorr eenntteerrttaaiinnmmeenntt ppuurrppoosseess ©© 22001100 WWrriitteerrssyynncc.. NNoo aaffffiilliiaattiioonn iimmpplliieedd..
  61. 61. Stealing hearts...the least of his crimes. Colin Cochrane is Alastair "Lucky" Heist. NNeeww SSeeaassoonn!! SSuunnddaayy nniigghhttss.. 99ppmm oonn CChheecckk yyoouurr llooccaall lliissttiinnggss.. LLooggoo bbaacckkggrroouunndd FFooxx BBrrooaaddccaassttiinngg.. ™™ FFaauuxx aaddaappttaattiioonn //aadd ©© 22001100 WWrriitteerrssyynncc..
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  64. 64. Big Lies...small world. wwwwww..ssuuppeerrssttaarrmmaaggoonnlliinnee..ccoomm wwwwww..lloovveeaannddddeeaatthhoovveerrtteeaa..ccoomm wwwwww..rriippeevveerrsseess..ccoomm wwwwww..bbrraannddnneewwbbrreeww..ccoomm wwwwww..hhuummaanniitteeaaqquuootteess..ccoomm wwwwww..tteeaassttrraaiinnss..ccoomm wwwwww..cclluubbfflleeuurrddeelliiss..ccoomm .
  65. 65. Finally, you' ve found the perfect read... Love & Death Over Tea (At the Fleur de Lis). A contemporary novel By Kay Goodstadt
  66. 66. 5 Superstar Exclusive FFFAAAMMMIIILLLYYY &&& FFFRRRIIIEEENNNDDDSSS::: AAA SSSTTTIIIRRRRRRIIINNNGGG BBBUUUNNNCCCHHH OOOFFF CCCHHHAAARRRAAACCCTTTEEERRRSSS!!! EEEmmmmmmaaa CCCoooccchhhrrraaannneee (nee Brown): Orphaned at the tender age of three, she's telly project analyst for the BBC, a wiz with figures. Puzzler, figure-outer. Foodist, splendid cook. Loves to garden. Hates when hubby smokes. Fastidious homemaker. Sleeps like a rock. Dependable, sensible. A good fit, like a Birkenstock. Status: Persevering, married to an actor. But her brown and delicious Betty Crocker eyes are narrowing her focus on what matters most, expanding her consciousness. SSSaaammm NNNaaattthhhaaannn::: The Wall Street bonds trader rolling in dough is a snappy dresser despite a belly fairly poured into tailored shirts that obviate tucking, a CrackBerry addict and conqueror of everyday dramas and a cunning masturbator, which is why they dub him "The Fist." Status: Cryptic, he could read a cookbook and Danae would still turn the pages, such is the intimate power of his soul. His outsize temper, penchant for late night boozing and bingeing, and untimely loss of both parents may also play a roll. JJJuuudddyyy EEElllyyyccceee RRRuuubbbiiinnn (nee Pressman): A flowy skirt vegan and pious mother, this ex-party girl wears a sheitel, a modesty wig so chic it's styled better than her own side-swept cut, though lately she’s been daydreaming about letting it grow and braiding it out her bedroom window. Status: Mother of two exhausting sets of IVF fraternal twins and faithful to Eli, a prickly enough subject for the baal teshuvah “returning" to Orthodoxy strictly for her husband since they moved from Philly next door to Danae and Sam. A mixed blessing now that they're nearly living in each other’s skins in the affluent suburban hamlet of East Eden where the downfall of fake friends comes first to all but them.
  67. 67. 6 EEEllliii RRRuuubbbiiinnn::: Soft-spoken, the cheder teacher mired in debate between his faith and the ability to reach conclusions based on empirical observations chronically tugs his beard, stretching out cramped legs, pinching his nose, praying in a dazed haze for any measure of bloodless restraint. Status: Mystified. An ex-CPA for whom life does not quite add up. A solid family man, he's not made of stone, a co-debtor seeking strength to get through hard times, especially at home. JJJeeessssssiiieee,,, JJJooonnnaaahhh,,, KKKaaayyylllaaa,,, KKKyyylllaaa,,, the Rubin tempests in a test tube, two sets of fraternal twins at 18 months and 9 months. JJJaaakkkeee EEEvvvaaannn KKKllleeeiiinnn::: The shrewd Hollywood agent is consistent, his ace- in-the-hole. Why even his frenemies in the biz call him ace-hole, a player respected by creatives and suits but as sick of slapping backs, doing squats, lunges, and crunches as teabagging into the pouty mouths of gaunt waifs and sending them home so he can raid his freezer for Chunky Monkey. Status: Buff, and single, he's a lover of voluptuous figures, Sloe Comfortable Screws, premium ice cream, and pricey footwear. Though when it comes to the morning after, he's mostly fleet.
  68. 68. 7 AAArrriii NNNaaattthhhaaannn::: A game whiz with ADHD whose language, math and science skillz score off the charts, he works like the devil studying security and risk analysis but feels like a failure trying to please his parents and tame his twisted tongue. Status: Coder-kid, hacker and text fiend acting in the sperm of the moment, this eighteen-year-old Penn State freshman is freezing his balls off avoiding the mainstream and his energy snacks are moot during all four seasons: football, basketball, hockey, and baseball. Go Yankees! AAAbbbbbbyyy NNNaaattthhhaaannn::: The Former Goth-girl is now a fanatical Orthodox Jew and fashionista, another fad, after gymnastics and ballet lessons, but then again, maybe not. She's talented, studying hard, giving up being a size 0 vegetarian--eating nothing but animal crackers. Status: Eerie--no, angelic really, a 20-year-old recuperating anorexic and blogging Moore College of Art sophomore sick of flushing away life's gnawing questions, responding in cyberspace to the only person on God's good earth who knows what she's going through. AAAiiidddeeennn CCCoooccchhhrrraaannneee::: A gentle soul, taller than his father, the 18-year-old briefcase wanker reads maths and computer arts at Wallingford, an A-level co- educational public boarding school emblematic of England but is most emphatically not, situated five posh miles to the southwest of London. Status: Cambridge bound; a virgin piano prodigy playing classical as a rule when he's not gaming, texting or procrasturbating.
  69. 69. 8 CCChhhllloooeee CCCoooccchhhrrraaannneee::: A cheerful thoroughbred, this sweet sixteen's candy-popping and winning humour immediately put you at ease. A born veterinarian, she reads maths and biology, gobbling up tittle-tattle like the rest of Wallingford's news snackers, chinwagging about her straight-laced dad whom all manner of slags fantasize but will never shag. Status: Boy-crazy in her royal blue crested blazer. FFFllleeetttccchhheeerrr SSSttteeewwwaaarrrttt,,, aaakkkaaa SSSttteeewww::: Ginger-haired best chum of Colin Cochrane and author of THE POOF COOK, he's a professional foodie and self-outted bloke whose off-the- record motto, like Parliament, remains "Better drunk than absent." Status: Haplessly single, stricken with AIDS, a secular Jew bearing in mind a King James Bible passage he’s read somewhere about what goes into a man’s mouth doesn’t make him unclean, what comes out of a man’s mouth makes him unclean, so what is one facing adversity to infer except it's far better to swallow. ZZZiiivvviiiaaa LLLeeevvvyyy::: Ultimate matriarch, she's wise beyond her years, with immeasurable heart, and a weakness for Danish, a master painter, keen bridge player and slightly biased yet intuitive mother and grandmother living in an ode to Zen that looks like an explosion--in an Asian bordello. Status: Fiery, exhaling fierce plumes of unfiltered smoke curling around her spiky going-white hair, a tiny cloud in her downtown Philly studio loft cluttered with sexy canvases, sable brushes, oils, easels, bottles of linseed, turpentine, air-hardening clay, sculpting tools, a potter’s wheel, and reeling with questions, she merely steps back for perspective.
  70. 70. 9 MMMaaaxxx LLLeeevvvyyy::: A notorious avant-garde photographer of pregnant nudes with halos and angels wings and all sorts of spiritual metaphors, deeply into the essence of form, with an exception eye for elemental beauties, starting, but not ending with his wife. Status: Tortured, the lens he saw life through, the lens he’d worn so long he forgot it was a lens, an ageless animalist, as passionate as his cobalt eyes and deep voice combining hints of danger with eloquence. Open to everything imaginable, with the exception of disclosing his colon cancer, since he loved with his loins until that sultry summer night he died, RIP. GGGaaabbbrrriiieeelllaaa LLLeeevvvyyy---MMMeeeiiirrr::: Software designer and hassled Tokyo traveler forever en route, she somehow escapes the familial fleshy Russo- German-Austrian fat cells, slim and stable from head to toe, sane, consistent, trustworthy, a wonderfully supportive sister, fun to be with, however, not inclined to play games. Status: Proud newlywed, forever jet-lagged and sleep-deprived, she doesn't look her age, has boundless energy, eats clean and exercises. MMMiiiccchhheeelllllleee MMMeeeiiirrr---LLLeeevvvyyy::: A problem-solving savant, she's hale of spirit, heart, body, mind and smiles each day, grazing on power foods, drinking wine, weeping over mushy movies as easily as modulating, controlling, refining and gathering data, but not structural partitioning or information hiding. Status: Resilient and mature, she still tends to blush a lot with intense notes like a full-bodied Zinf.
  71. 71. 10 EEEttthhhaaannn SSSttteeerrrnnn::: The Cedars-Sinai badge says it all, brilliant attending M.D. at one of the leading hospitals in the nation, but rather than helping him paying off the balance on his MasterCard to whom he owes more than the gross national product of Chad, Sam Nathan suggests several enticements through the lawsuit magnet's mutual friend, Jake Klein. Status: Too young to feel so old, he's detached, but yearning, massaging his temples, wishing he could melt life's unpleasantness into a pitcher of vodka martinis, extra olives whenever he can find time to shift that invisible steel in his spine. EEE... RRRiiiccchhhaaarrrddd MMMaaarrrggguuullliiieeesss::: This prominent NYC surgical oncologist has new millionaire threadbare decor and facial expressions as stiff with his lips pressed together chewing on thoughts so long they reach rigor mortis. Status: Silver fox, this Valentino suit type makes the average woman feel as wide as a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. His age? Please, it's just a number, compared to the amount hidden in his Swiss bank account. SSSeeeyyymmmooouuurrr &&& SSSeeelllmmmaaa RRRuuubbbiiinnn::: They're Eli's Tateh and Mameh, thorny immigrants alarmed at unearthing the shattered roots of their family tree. Status: Retired, thanks be to God. Now the stubborn alter kocker doesn't have to go down into those filthy Philly sewers, laying mile after mile of copper pipe, and the balabusta, his wife, isn't shvitzing in their grubby office, fighting off bill collectors, for bupkis! So, nu, what could their youngest son have to say that the whole neighborhood's not already shushking about from the kosher butcher to the bakery, who knows? Draycup, pick up the phone! Copyright 2010 Writersync
  72. 72. where you’ve been You’ve spent years trying to hide the extreme difficulties of fame and mood swings with constant travel. where you want to be You want rumor control. how to get there Maybe NEUROTICA can help. NEUROTICA helps control the symptoms of notoriety and reduce the risk of relapse. the NEUROTICA experience Hundreds of thousands of patients have been prescribed NEUROTICA. NEUROTICA is used to treat manic episodes in dysfunctional families and was shown to have a low risk of significant guilt gain in clinical trials.* NNEUROTICA® (presbyteriasemitica) TABLETS and ORAL SOLUTION 1mg/ml. Ask your healthcare professional if once-a-day NEUROTICA is right for you.** Individual results may vary. *Significant guilt loss: NEUROTICA 35%, sugar pill 2%. Masking Heartbreak Takes Understanding: What important information about NEUROTICA do I need to know? Men and woman in their late 40s and early 50s diagnosed with broken heart syndrome as a result of an inattentive spouse (for example, an inability to communicate deep feelings). Those who self-medicate with ice cream, pastries, alcohol, cigarettes or cannabis are at an increased risk when compared to patients treated with pots of tea. NEUROTICA is not approved for the treatment of patients with emotionally needy relatives or friends. Common side effects include meddling, crying, nausea, overeating, excessive praying, texting and video game playing with an inner sense of restlessness. Serious side effects can occur with any antidepressant medicine, including NEUROTICA. Tell your doctor or healthcare professional immediately if you have or develop any conditions or side effects, such as:  Crushing guilt, particularly reported in clinical trials for females in their 20s-50s.  Excessive cravings for imprudent companionship, which may be a sign of addiction.  Incurable romanticism, sexual fantasies, or irrepressible appetite for advice. It’s important to tell your healthcare professional about all the medicines you’re taking. There are risks for interactions with NEUROTICA. You should avoid alcohol while taking NEUROTICA. NEUROTICA can affect your judgment. Until you know how it affects you, you should not operate machinery, sign contracts, tackle new recipes or drive luxury cars or motorcycles. You are encouraged to report negative side effects to the FDA. **This is a faux advertisement created strictly for entertainment purposes © 2010 Writersync.
  73. 73. 12 YYoouurr WWeeeekkllyy WWhhiiffffss ooff ““SSuuppeerr”” SSttaarr SSccaannddaall BByy AAuurroorraa EEaarrll--GGrreeyy BBeeeepp......bbeeeepp......bbeeeepp,, bbaacckk uupp tthhee ttrraasshh ttrruucckk,, ppuullll tthhee lleevveerr Welcome to this, your official Colin Cochrane Gossip Compactor! Wife Emma, UK chef and star of "The Kosher Connoisseur" on American cable TV told SAY WHAT last week he is "an emotionally generous and loving" hubby and dad, never dissing her or Ash (formerly Aiden), front man of Adonai & Us, and UK equestrian champ Chloe. But there are persistent rumors, totally wack, that the brooder who plays 'Lucky' Heist weekly begs, "Let's move back to Blighty and have another rugrat!" Right, mate, it sounds like she sniffs, as if. MMoorree jjuuiiccyy ttiiddbbiittss Lookee, there's eye- popping Sam Nathan, newly svelte ex of Danae, sexy scribbler of Ripe, telling reporters at a shall- remain nameless unbalanced and unfair Manhattan network cable news affiliate all about their 25 years of married bliss. Yet he never mentions bf Eli Rubin, rights advocate, friendly ex of Judy, unrestrained blab- blogger, mommy of their four IVF fraternal twins born one year apart, and hard at work on a shocking print tell-all reports a cyber-source close to mum lawyer Jake Klein. AAddddiittiioonnaall aauuttoobbiiooggrraapphhiiccaall ssccrraattcchheess What could Sam Nathan’s pending memoirs amount to next to the previously mentioned book but more pointed jabs, this time at Wall Street? The man dubbed "The Fist" will introduce his boozy life story, Scotching the Myth, to the world on the last day of the Big Apple Book Festival, coinciding with the healed alcoholic-slash- tea tippler's birthday. Shame East Eden, NJ's Danae didn’t share any sobering editing tips. Talk about pouring your heart out! Brew-hoo! BBaallllss aaffiirree oorr aa--ffoouull And speaking of artistic chops, buff-guy Klein, of IAA fame, has sicced himself on reparative therapist Dr. Steve, divisive TV guru, and host of "Going Straight." The doc's sin? He said dudes drawn to other dudes— and he cited a certain bistro owner/Yankees fanatic and a pious philanthropist's closet boot-bumps, most likely suffered childhood trauma. Er, wasn’t Judy, the former Hollywood rep's current fiancée, also Sam Nathan's virgin love excursion, proving he bats for both teams? A sticky quadruple court battle is sure to ensue. Hmmm. Stay tuned… CCiirrccuullaattiinngg lliikkee mmootthhss aarroouunndd aa ssttrreeeettllaammpp A picture is worth a thousand words, but Ooooh, ooooh; we got tapes too, coos spot-on exploitation station SBZ about that infamous '04 starry night French Quarter "Dalin"
  74. 74. 13 rendezvous. Meantime, lawyer Klein, trolling for soundbytes, tells the tawdry celeb outlet they're one foot in doop deedee--slander, defamation, hot water, you name it--for leaking/faking three NOLA Fleur de Lis tea tapes. OOnnee--aarrmm bbaannddiitt Sidelined Chief Attending Physician at Cedars-Sinai Evan Stern may have seemed an odd choice to play guest host at the opening of Dice Casino Las Vegas. Then paparazzi spotted rows of Ripe- themed slot machines nearby and, duh, his sling and the spinning fruit made sense. Hip designer fractures one Un-Orthodox Fashion Princess Abby Nathan tripped over bolts of Semitic fabric in an NYC warehouse recently and broke her left synovial joint. Yesterday, brother Ari, a name in his own right but not playing games after speaking with best dude (young Cochrane) and her rumored beau said surgery, a big job big time but especially worrisome for a recovering anorexic, went well. We wouldn't have word of mouth without their charitable clans and we wish her Godspeed, so see, nyah, nyah, we can too be nice! NNoott qquuiittee ccrriicckkeett Colin Cochrane confessed in a SUPERSTAR exclusive that it might be time he slowed down so the next generation of thesps can step up to bat. The trim Brit, who says he looks forward to a “quieter life,” hints he’s too pooped to keep swinging at hits. No misses for this pro, though: His current seg, "Caught Out," did boffo ratings. Yet my spies at "Comedy Showcase Theatre" whisper Cochrane plans to switch teams after this season's "Heist" finale and may even donate the proceeds from the antique tea set in his studio trailer to charity. Three steamy topics his past (chaste) paramour knows something about, to be sure. DDiisshhiinngg iitt Soon you'll be able to dip (like a pita in hummus) into Fletcher Stewart's pungent flashbacks about his 44-year friendship with Colin Cochrane. A Gay Time (Was Had by All) (What shemozzle came up with that title), is due out next summer. Kvetch Press says this luscious recipe for laughter with a pinch of spice is second only in cosmic impact to Stewart's vast decision to disclose his serious bout with AIDS. Was the world's foremost homosexual chef that bored with counting shekels, or is he having trouble covering health expenses? Bubbie, what I wouldn’t give to be a fruit fly on the wall when he and the Cochrane's break the fast on the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur! IIllll--aaddvviisseedd,, RRxx--rraatteedd!! And now, here’s a report from the T.M.I. desk (brace yourselves): A recent extra on the "Heist" set tells yours truly that "trysting with an older ex- pat (who could easily pass for your father) is “invigorating,” simpers the alleged bedmate, "and in fact, forces you to be hugely aerobic…” Little wonder, the way the curvy blonde Southern screen starlet (and Danae Nathan lookalike) goes around drawling Shakespeare's "Ay, every inch a king?” XOX-oh, no, snap! ©2010 Writersync

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