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==== ====Please, see this link : ====Do you wish that you had better rapport wit...
The main point of the story according to Godefrey is that "if you have trouble communicating withpeople, it may be that, l...
Go out of your way to notice the large and small things that your partner does that you appreciate.Say a verbal "Thank you...
Magazine . Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples who wantto overcome relationship prob...
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To build better rapport with your spouse


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To build better rapport with your spouse

  1. 1. ==== ====Please, see this link : ====Do you wish that you had better rapport with your spouse? Are you at a loss for what to do toincrease communication and emotional intimacy?Recently, Christian Godefroy published a story titled "The Dancing Cow" in a newsletter I receive.When I read the story, I immediately thought of how the main point applies to married couples.Heres the story:Michal and Kental started arguing as to which of them wrote the better music."My music is better," Michal said. "My melodies bring tears to the eyes of all women.""No, my music is better," Kental disagreed. "My scores are more enchanting than anything! Yourmusic couldnt move a cow, my poor Michal.""And what do you think? That your scores would make it dance?"The dispute was in full swing when a peasant passed by, leading his cow back home from thefield. The two musicians saw an opportunity to put their theories to the test."Hello there," they said. "Would you mind if we played something for your cow?""Well, if it gives you pleasure, why not? Shes seen a lot worse in her day, I can tell you."Michal warmed his hands, tuned his balalaika (a stringed instrument of Russian origin) and playedthe most beautiful melody ever heard by a cow. But withoutresult - the beast ruminated without moving an ear.Vexed, Michal passed the instrument to his compatriot, who played a lively score with the sameresult - no reaction from the cow."Its a lost cause," Michal cried. "Your cow does not have a musical ear.""Well, I dont know about that," the peasant replied. "If you would lend me your instrument for amoment, I could play something for her."Intrigued, Michal and Kental handed over the balalaika. The peasant did his best to imitate thehumming of the flies and the mooing of little cows. The cow lifted her ears, started whipping hertail from side to side, and walked closer to the peasant as if to hear the music better.
  2. 2. The main point of the story according to Godefrey is that "if you have trouble communicating withpeople, it may be that, like Michal and Kental, you are not playing the music they are used tohearing." This is really profound wisdom!In other words, you have to start where the other person is, using that persons frame of reference.You cant start where you are if the other person isnt in the same place and doesnt have thesame background and experience. First, you have to enter the other persons world and start withwhats familiar to him (or her) to get his attention.In the story, perhaps in time the cow could have learned to respond to other music besides thesounds the peasant played at first. But initially, the cow showed no reaction whatsoever until thepeasant played the sounds that the cow could relate to and was familiar with--the humming of fliesand the mooing of little cows.So the beginning point for getting the cows attention and involvement was to start making thesounds the cow was most familiar with. The cow could relate to those sounds and responded withattention and movement.Are you wondering how this applies to building better rapport with your spouse? Heres all youhave to remember to apply the moral of the dancing cow story: To begin building bettercommunication and rapport with your spouse, start in his (or her) world first--enter his world andstart where he is right now.Here are some suggestions:1.Temporarily downplay your own needs and what you want from your spouse. Initiateconversations where you ask your spouse about his (or her) day, his work, and his activities,showing interest and empathy.For example, you may say, "It must be frustrating to have a boss who changes his mind so much"or "You must have been disappointed when it rained and you couldnt take your usual jog afterwork today." See if he will open up and talk about his frustrations, disappointments, and dreams.2.Make a concerted effort to understand your spouses mindset and feelings about the things thathappen in her (or his) world. If she holds differing opinions, try to understand why and how theyare different. Pretend youre on a debate team and need to understand her viewpoint to be able topresent it to others and to defend it.If her tastes in music are different from yours, for example, be open to learning more about whyshe enjoys the music she does. Look for any common denominators between your taste and hersthat you can build on.Even if you never change your mind about your likes and dislikes, your spouse will appreciate thefact that you were motivated enough to want to understand her world better.3.Go out of your way to show that you care about your spouse and that you appreciate him (orher). Most spouses take the partner for granted in many ways and stop expressing appreciationand saying "Thank you."
  3. 3. Go out of your way to notice the large and small things that your partner does that you appreciate.Say a verbal "Thank you" or buy a special card and express your feelings in writing. Sincereappreciation can foster rapport.4.When youre talking to your spouse, try to match your breathing and speaking rates to his (orhers). Its harder to build rapport when your spouse is laid-back and relaxed at the moment andyoure agitated and upset.Without being obvious and making it look like youre mimicking your partner, slow down and adjustyour breathing rate to more closely match that of your partners. Align your rate of speech to matchhis and try to get in sync with his energy at the moment.You might also try sitting or standing in the same position your spouse is, without making itobvious that youre copying his behavior. In addition, you can align your facial expression andgestures with his.Many good communicators do these things unconsciously because they help to build rapport andoffer a good starting point for better communication. The key to doing this successfully is to startwhere your spouse is at the moment in terms of energy level and emotions.5.Slowly encourage your partner to expand his (or her) world. For example, after listening to yourspouses description of what happened at work, if he doesnt ask about your day, summarize whathappened in two or three short sentences before ending the conversation.If your spouse spends every evening in front of the television set, ask her (or him) to select fiveminutes when the television can be turned off and you can take a "snuggle break." Start small andbuild up to longer amounts of time.Offer to give your spouse a foot, shoulder, or back massage. Really put yourself into theexperience as you ease away your partners cares of the day with your healing touch. Let yourpartner know how much you enjoy being able to do this for her (or him) and see if she offers toreciprocate either then or later.Youll be more likely to succeed in building rapport if your partner feels that youre sincerelyinterested in what happens to him (or her), that you appreciate him, that you care about him, thatyou value him, and that you want to spend time with him.If what youre doing isnt working, remember the story of the dancing cow and change the "tune"youre playing. Instead of trying to begin where you want things to be, start in your partners frameof reference and slowly move in the direction you want to eventually go.Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner,available at She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: Whatto Do When Your Spouse Says "I dont love you anymore!" which is available at, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet
  4. 4. Magazine . Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples who wantto overcome relationship problems and create a rewarding, loving partnership.Article Source: ====Please, see this link : ====