Bogrollisblack

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
Edition 1, 5th March 2012.

Dear Somervillians,
The bogroll is back.
Disclaimer: all of the following has been reported anonymously by your fellow Somervillians, or it is entirely fabricated. The
bogroll does not intend to hurt or insult, and all articles are only based on how you are happy to behave in public, or what
you’re happy to publish to the world on Facebook. However, if you think we’ve gone too far, or if you think that you or
another has been unfairly portrayed, please email us at somervillebogroll@gmail.com and we’ll make amends.

MATT RATTLEY WANTS
YOUR PISS
It has happened again. This Saturday
Matt Rattley stood in in Green Hall and
unashamedly begged strangers for their
urine. We have no idea why the (cookie)
fairy is bent on collecting our fluid, but
his reasons are undoubtedly nefarious. Is
it he hoarding it? Is it for immediate
consumption? Why Somerville? Some
theories suggest there are special
properties associated with the
combination of virgin piss and large
quantities of alcohol but nothing can be
confirmed. For the moment, all we can
say is, without all the piss, what was in
the bop juice?
WELFARE LOVE
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PAGE 1: Headlines

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012
LIBRARY DONATES HOT
KATY FINNIS MYSTERY
SOLVED? DESK TO THOSE
Ever wondered why Katy Finnis AFFECTED BY WOLFSON
occupies this desk at the library for 20 CONSTRUCTION WORKS.
hours out of 24? Some say exams, PARADE TO FOLLOW.
some say she just hasn’t got anywhere HARRY SPENCER HOLDS
else to go, but the truth is, Finnis is DOOR FOR SLOW
just broody; she’s incubating her WALKER. ALSO, SMILES.
eggs! Yes, that’s right, soon they will CARDIGAN STREET AND
hatch, and smaller Finstrosities, WALTON STREET HOUSES
similar to the now extinct trilobite,
VOW TO JOIN FORCES FOR
will be scuttling around our ankles.
NEXT PARTY IN EFFORT
TO PUSH DOUBLE FIGURES
OF ATTENDANCE.
TRUEFITT’S
INEXPLICABLE UNION
Apparently they will break from their shells using WITH A FEMALE PROVEN
a powerful sonic wave, similar to a human shriek, A FLUKE, POSSIBLY
or cackle. Tom Allsup, JCR PRESIDENT, upon WITCHCRAFT.
being asked whether the library is a suitable place
SMELL EMANATING FROM
for such a hatching replied ‘GREAT,
BRILLIANT, they’re not mine!’ and vanished in a
MEN’S TOILET IN BRIDGE
whirl of cardigans and linen shirts. Florence ‘Flo’ FOUND NOT TO BE A
Avery was overheard saying ‘tbh I think she’s a FESTERING SHIT, BUT A
slut, and I DON’T mean as in Somerville Ladies CORPSE TRAPPED BEHIND
Unlimited Tequila Society’. SKIRTING BOARD. TOILET
ATTENDANT, OLD MAN
BRIDGE, NAMED AS
INEVITABLE SUSPECTS.
FOODIE CORNER: HOW
MANY CHICKEN NUGGETS
DOES A FIVER BUY FROM
SAMMY OLD SOMERVILLIAN’S HUSSAIN’S? 17
ROOM TO BE APPARENTLY – WITH
TALALAY
REFURBISHED CHIPS IF YOU TAKE FIVE
HAS FIRST SECONDS TO REMEMBER
CIGARETTE THE FAST FOOD GUY’S
IN 21 YEARS NAME. AND IT’S NOT
HASSAN..
‘PENROSE DESERVE THE
DISRUPTION,’ PRINCIPAL
STATES IN BUGGED
CONVERSATION

Library upheaval strikes JCR,
forcing this session of Parliament to
Sammy ‘bring your own duvet bitch’ be held on quad. Iz Saunders, Dan ‘I
Talalay pictured above, having his first just can’t wait to be King’ Purcell,
cigarette. Josh Jordan, 54, owner of pictured and Hugo Wallis pictured left.
cigarette, tells the bogroll that ‘he said it Apparently the refurbished room
hurt at first, but then he began to like it’. will be a replica of Westminster,
We’re not sure what cheeky Talalay will do complete with wartie bob-shelter.
next but we’ll be sure to keep you informed.

PAGE 2: Social affairs

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012
Rose Newman, 21, thinks
moving the bar to Vaughn
is a bad thing. The page
35 stunnah who just loves
to party with the lads says
“It’s like so difficult to get
up those stairs in heels,
like it’s literally not even
funny.”
Rose also thinks we
should support our
college’s table topping
football team and that
captain Nick Shinder is a
real hottie. Well the
Bogroll has only one
piece of advice for captain
Shinder, GO TO
GROUND.

HUSSEIN’S The Burton – Roppongi
A taste of luxury for the Taylor Studio
classy man about town
We all know there’s nothing
better than being forced to sit Please come in,
Situated outside the beautiful Ashmolean through 2 hours of stuttering by
museum on St Giles, Hussein’s fine food someone you don’t even like that please
establishment uses only the very best much. The BT theatre in Oxford
roadkill for its kebabs and has become a has more experience in
staple eatery for all Oxford’s young go
delivering this than anywhere Roppongi is the most
else in the city. For just £5 we
getters after 1am. Our specialist sauces provide not just all the above exclusive club in Oxford,
containing e-coli and salmonella are a but also a fantastic intimacy
unique treat for anyone and discounts with the actors so they can even with our free entry and
are available for banter with our hear/judge you when you cough.
So don’t delay, come today and
free shot with every drink
waiters. Eat in* or take away, Hussein’s
is the place to be.
our delightful, small, bald deal Make sure you get
manager Rob will show you
around there early to beat the
*Cannot eat in
crowds!

PAGE 3: Babes

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012
THE BOG ROLL LEFT-OVERS DRIVE WOLFSON WORKS
REVEAL MASS GRAVE.
The purpose of the Bogroll is to make a difference to the world. To further this, we SUSPECT SAID TO HAVE
have started the BOGROLLLEFT-OVERS DRIVE. Bogroll are collecting PENCHANT FOR WEARING
abandoned (presumably) food stuffs from kitchens all over college and hoarding A FEZ, BEING FUCKING
them in our cavernous freezing unit. We will then sell them to tramps and Hussein WEIRD.
for a tidy 37p net profit. So far we have collected numerous items from the likes of
Park and ROQ with the help of WojtekBazant and ArseniyBaniyev - who kindly
FIRST YEAR ATTEMPTS AT
volunteer for our cause in return for formal tickets – but we still need more recruits. ‘SEXY’ BOP COSTUMES A
The advertising on the JCR noticeboard has been tremendous lately with Alice UNIFORM FAILURE. ‘MUST
Westlake proudly announcing her donation of breakfast and CeriCairnduff (who?) TRY HARDER’, SAYS TOM
with her 2 pints of milk. It is important that you do not keep your donations ALLSUP
anonymous. Everyone must read through your stories of donating food of quantities
so irrelevant to you, but that could go so far for the BOGROLL LEFT-OVERS
DRIVE. So, please, keep posting about your food donations because they are so PARTIAL REMOVAL OF
important and need to be heard. Hopefully together we can all do something FLOWER BORDERS
relevant. AROUND QUAD REVEAL
LOVELY FLOWERS.

HARRY SPENCER SAVES
PRAWN RING HALF PRICE
ENTIRE FAMILY FROM
BURNING BUILDING.

COLLEGE RECEIVES
LARGE AMOUNT OF
NOVELTY TOLIET ROLL.
COLLEGE STATES
MYSTERIOUS LETTERING
‘ISIS’ AND ‘SIREN’ MAKES
IT IS UNFIT FOR USE
ACCORDING TO HEALTH
AND SAFETY; FREE FOR
ALL ON TABLE IN GREEN
HALL.

TOM ALLSUP CALLS
PRINCIPLE ‘SILLY
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN GWIL HUGHES
SAUSAGE’ IN HEATED
DURING A THUNDERSTORM?
ROW
The question you should be asking yourself is have
you ever seen Gwill when lightening is about? Is it
TAKING HOME OR TAKEN
possible Gwil Hughes is actually Jove, God of sky
HOME? JUNIOR DEAN
and thunder? Gwil, unaware he was speaking
STOPPED GOING HOME
to an undercover bogroll reporter stated ‘I am not Jove.’, denying it unprompted in this WITH VIKRAM
matter is undoubtedly so suspicious it is confirmation of the fact. ON TOP OF THIS
EVIDENCE, given that this interchange was entirely fabricated and he has never
denied being the supreme Roman deity, the question we have to ask ourselves is why HARRY SPENCER SAVES
isn’t he denying it? ‘He has never denied being Jupiter, king of the Olympian gods’ FAMILY FROM BURNING
says a suspicious Beth Denam, 14. HOUSE.

PAGE 4: health and beauty

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012
BOP BINGO HALF WAY HELL

Somerville tarts get drunk and cry. Somerville’s most average night was an unmitigated social success; our
Check. favourite early learning centre hero Josh Jordan managed to swallow a
Sarah French-Constant gets drunk and shrieks penny, having mistaken it for a piece of dubstep, Dan Yon smashed some
at current entz reps for no apparent reason. St Johns boys with the help of Chichester and Panter, and all the year
Unfortunately this rarest of birds did not make mixed in, ‘the Ghana girls’ meeting half of 2nd year Somerville for the first
her usual appearance. tie. There was only one slight hitch because Barney loves Tess so uch he
Jack Twilton gets so drunk he humiliates felt in necessary to give a speshial metion to him and her for most likely to
himself and others by association. get married. Very awkward.
Various other self-congratulatory awards were handed down from the entz
throne, the most prestigious of which was the College Bike Award. Despite
a truly astonishing sprint in the last leg, the yellow jersey went to 1st Lady
and Princess Kate cycled into 2nd in the race for the CBA*. Furious, she set
out to prove that monarchy still trumps democracy. Wasting no time after
halfway hell, our Katie went for it and Pauled the following:
Tim Williams, Helen Britton, Grace Dowling,
VikramNaragarajagaragarajan, Isabelle Saunders, Oliver Starkey, Old Man
Bridge, Hussein, the Bob Marley tramp, Dr.ArmitaHaldar of 10 Kingston
Check. Road, a stray dog, a traffic cone ... and Daniel Yon
Alex Probodziak blurring the lines between
dance and grand mal seizure *(College Bike Award: “mate the lights just came on in Bridge, and I Can’t
Who? Be Arsed to try”)
Olivia Arigho stiles and DaniellaShreir eating
each other’s faces
From previous attept details still unclear as to
QUANTATIVE TEASING
whether fingering garnered lodged bullet, or
misplaced copy of Das Kapital. Unfortunately
this time Alim’s number came up in her Bop
lottery.
Katie Paul gets a new boyfriend
Post half-way hall, we think this bird has landed
in Yon-land.
Someone’s friend from home attempts to get
with our women.
Only Clark’s boyf spotted. Fit or Fat?
Popular third year boyz leave early
SHOCKINGLY these notorious hipsters stayed
all the way through the bop before heading to a
part-a in DHQ. Looks like their social tastes are
becoming a little bit wilder.
Boyer and Jowitt take their clothes off
Obviously this happened.
Stocks in the F@cebook shares of one Dr V. Naragarajagaragajan have
UNEXPECTED - Little Willie’s little willie
taken a pummelling in recent weeks. Lame F@cebook comments such as
Not happy with standing patiently for 30
“If he gets annoying Will, I can just throw a potato at him” and “What we
seconds Little Willie Not-Fitt whipped it out
could do is UV-label all the food and then do period checks of people's
and went there and then all over the place. In
room, looking for UV on their fingers and then apprehend the perpetrator”
fairness though, he was kind enough to mop his
have bombed horrifically with 0 ‘likes’ each. In fact, the latter comment
mess as he was only wearing socks.
did have one ‘like’ from the JCR Noticeboard’s Beccas-Jane Schofield
UNEXPECTED – RACE WAR
which is arguably even worse. He has even sunk so low in a desperate
Nick Shinder, prompted by the Elders of Zion,
attempt to get ‘likes’ that he even posted a meme on the noticeboard; a
attempted to destroy Somerville Chapel. He was
successful tactic but the bailout has left Dr Naragajaragarajan in even
deaned for his efforts.
deeper debt to society. With no signs of Dr Naragajarajaragaragajan
becoming witty anytime soon, the best advice we at Bogroll Finance can
give is to sell sellsell and delete Dr Naragajaragarajaragan as a friend.
PAGE 5: high society and finance

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012

Membership benefits include: glow in the dark badge, secret handshake code book, and
an unjustified sense of social superiority. Membership application form available on the
back of most cereal boxes.

PAGE 6: Wildlife

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012
The market is crashing; jobs are becoming scarce and your mews house, Volvo and LONELY HEARTZ </3
2.2 children are slipping away. But don’t worry, over the next few issues the
bogroll will teach you how to spice up your CV. To get you started, we’ll do the Gangly boy seeks maneater
Cherwell. Must enjoy excessive facebook
The Cherwell is the pinnacle of Oxford student journalism. If you do want to be a activity and coming to see
journo-prick it’s important to get involved as early as possible in order to get used overrated comedy shows. Early
to people disliking you in preparation for being regarded as a self-important commitment is preferable but
parasite for the rest of your life. not essential. Recently on the
Beginning market so looking for some
friendship first and maybe
 Adopt a journo tone: remember, the Cherwell isn’t a real newspaper, it
more.
only masquerades as one, so don’t write like you would normally, write in a
funny journo voice. 4th year BNOC and sidekick
 Start ‘in media res’: shove them right in the middle of whatever WILD story seeking 2 asexual females to
maintain illusion of
you’ve embroiled yourself in this time. heterosexuality to parents.
- ‘We’ve all felt it before, that nervous feeling before a date…’ Hobbies include foooty, banter
- ‘So here this reporter was, standing on a cold street corner…’ and being topless around one
Middle another.
 Give them a break ;) Remember, the exotic life of a Cherwell journo is
1st Ladie seeking JCR president
unlike anything your readership will have experienced before, go on; give elect. If you are interested in
them a bit of space to breathe. the position of lover please
- ‘hold on, let’s wind back the clock…’ submit a manifesto and attend
hustings at my place (dress
- ‘you may be wondering at this point just WHAT was going on?’
code: silk panties). Relentless,
 Themes! Oxford may be selective, but there aren’t all that many bright anti-social ambition in the face
people here. Therefore you need to appeal to the masses: exploit knee-jerk of bored friends vital.
reactions, prejudices, and rest your article on facile assumptions. If you Unsuccessful applicants can
also take the position of my
look closely the Cherwell is riddled with subliminal messages in square Dan Purcell.
brackets ([]) throughout. Here is an excerpt from a recent article.
Rugby lad seeks mistress
‘Oxford University is to receive a [MARGRET THATCHER] philanthropic I play rugby, seriously, I play
donation of £26 million from the wid[PRIVATE/STATE SCHOOL DIVIDE]ow of rugby. Must know how to
the founder of Atlantic Records, Ahmet Ertegun. The ‘Ertegun Scholarship’ wash board shorts and flip-
programme [5TH WEEK BLUES]will be the single largest flops and look judgementally at
donation[UNINFORMED OPINION ON EURO CRISIS] for humanities students those punier than me. If you
in Oxford’s 900 year history. [RADCAM] The money will initially provide full you’re interested let me know
funding for 15 humanities postgraduates every year but will be endowed in and I’ll set up dinner at jamals
perpetuity in the future, allowing up to 35 postgraduates to attend for free every (please bring your 13 quid
year [WE GO TO OXFORD]. yeah?)

Woodstock thesp seeks crowd
End
of 60 to come and admire her
 If you’ve followed the Cherwell guidelines, you don’t have to worry about for an hour and a half. Cast
finishing an article, as no one will have got this far. If you’re paranoid, you party at mine after; come see
can just whack in something like ‘and then I woke up and it was all a my novelty piano drinks
dream’. Frankly no-one cares. cabinet. Must have a play
poster as profile pic.

PAGE 7: CV clinic

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012

GHANA PROJECT!
DO YOU LIKE:
- Self-indulgent photos with African
children
- Getting pissed in empty clubs
- Posing on motorcycles
- Getting heavily tanned on beaches
- Being ironic and having so many lols
- Catharsis

[I’m guessing the answer to all the questions
above was a yes!? Lol! Ghana Girls ftw]

Then Ghana Project is right for you! Ghana
Project is an initiative which allows young,
rich, big chested and POPULAR women to
have a knees up, with the necessary money
raised through a number of fundraising
schemes. We cloak this fulfilling/life changing
experience behind a charitable facade, but,
saying that, we did actually work at an
orphanage for one day! Think of all the
facebook photo opportunities.

Philippa Makepeace, second-year
Chemist, “Most importantly this
experience has made me far less
complacent. I am now more
thankful for everything I have.
You should never take things for
granted!” [Sent from my ipad]

Gorging on sushi at ‘Yo Sushi’
(haunt of the Ghana Girls)

SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL
5th March 2012

LONELY HEARTZ
</3
Barbour wearing twat seeks
simple minded country girl.
Parents must be friends.

Green trousered vegan seeks
mealtime companion.
Familiarity with English
language optional. BY THE
WAY has anyone seen my
green trousers?

Ian-Dury-and-the-
Blockheads-liking one-time
associate of Guy Garvey
seeks female companion of
ANY age/nationality for

BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE Morrissey Disco dancing and
late nights watching South
Park.

SIREN SEEKS
EDITORS <3
Raddest publication in town
seeks two zany editors.
We’re looking for the kind
of creative genius that can
make an acrostic out of the
ENTIRE ALPHABET.
Dear readers,
Meet up for cookies and hot
chocolate in Park JCR in a
Thank you for reading the Somerville Bogroll, if you thought this was
seriously chilled atmosphere,
shit please let us know, and help us to make it better – send your and we’ll get chatting!
pictures, gossip, and letters to somervillebogroll@gmail.com . All
contributions are anonymous. The great thing about us here
@ the S1r3n is that we let
everyone speak.
Again, we don’t mean to be mean, so let us know if there’s a problem.
Even those that probably
See you soon shouldn’t.

xoxo

PAGE 9: Religion and Marine Life

Bogrollisblack

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