Bogrollisblack

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Bogrollisblack

  1. 1. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLLEdition 1, 5th March 2012.Dear Somervillians,The bogroll is back.Disclaimer: all of the following has been reported anonymously by your fellow Somervillians, or it is entirely fabricated. Thebogroll does not intend to hurt or insult, and all articles are only based on how you are happy to behave in public, or whatyou’re happy to publish to the world on Facebook. However, if you think we’ve gone too far, or if you think that you oranother has been unfairly portrayed, please email us at somervillebogroll@gmail.com and we’ll make amends. MATT RATTLEY WANTS YOUR PISS It has happened again. This Saturday Matt Rattley stood in in Green Hall and unashamedly begged strangers for their urine. We have no idea why the (cookie) fairy is bent on collecting our fluid, but his reasons are undoubtedly nefarious. Is it he hoarding it? Is it for immediate consumption? Why Somerville? Some theories suggest there are special properties associated with the combination of virgin piss and large quantities of alcohol but nothing can be confirmed. For the moment, all we can say is, without all the piss, what was in the bop juice? WELFARE LOVE XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX PAGE 1: Headlines
  2. 2. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012 LIBRARY DONATES HOTKATY FINNIS MYSTERYSOLVED? DESK TO THOSEEver wondered why Katy Finnis AFFECTED BY WOLFSONoccupies this desk at the library for 20 CONSTRUCTION WORKS.hours out of 24? Some say exams, PARADE TO FOLLOW.some say she just hasn’t got anywhere HARRY SPENCER HOLDSelse to go, but the truth is, Finnis is DOOR FOR SLOWjust broody; she’s incubating her WALKER. ALSO, SMILES.eggs! Yes, that’s right, soon they will CARDIGAN STREET ANDhatch, and smaller Finstrosities, WALTON STREET HOUSESsimilar to the now extinct trilobite, VOW TO JOIN FORCES FORwill be scuttling around our ankles. NEXT PARTY IN EFFORT TO PUSH DOUBLE FIGURES OF ATTENDANCE. TRUEFITT’S INEXPLICABLE UNION Apparently they will break from their shells using WITH A FEMALE PROVEN a powerful sonic wave, similar to a human shriek, A FLUKE, POSSIBLY or cackle. Tom Allsup, JCR PRESIDENT, upon WITCHCRAFT. being asked whether the library is a suitable place SMELL EMANATING FROM for such a hatching replied ‘GREAT, BRILLIANT, they’re not mine!’ and vanished in a MEN’S TOILET IN BRIDGE whirl of cardigans and linen shirts. Florence ‘Flo’ FOUND NOT TO BE A Avery was overheard saying ‘tbh I think she’s a FESTERING SHIT, BUT A slut, and I DON’T mean as in Somerville Ladies CORPSE TRAPPED BEHIND Unlimited Tequila Society’. SKIRTING BOARD. TOILET ATTENDANT, OLD MAN BRIDGE, NAMED AS INEVITABLE SUSPECTS. FOODIE CORNER: HOW MANY CHICKEN NUGGETS DOES A FIVER BUY FROM SAMMY OLD SOMERVILLIAN’S HUSSAIN’S? 17 ROOM TO BE APPARENTLY – WITH TALALAY REFURBISHED CHIPS IF YOU TAKE FIVE HAS FIRST SECONDS TO REMEMBER CIGARETTE THE FAST FOOD GUY’S IN 21 YEARS NAME. AND IT’S NOT HASSAN.. ‘PENROSE DESERVE THE DISRUPTION,’ PRINCIPAL STATES IN BUGGED CONVERSATION Library upheaval strikes JCR, forcing this session of Parliament toSammy ‘bring your own duvet bitch’ be held on quad. Iz Saunders, Dan ‘ITalalay pictured above, having his first just can’t wait to be King’ Purcell,cigarette. Josh Jordan, 54, owner of pictured and Hugo Wallis pictured left.cigarette, tells the bogroll that ‘he said it Apparently the refurbished roomhurt at first, but then he began to like it’. will be a replica of Westminster,We’re not sure what cheeky Talalay will do complete with wartie bob-shelter.next but we’ll be sure to keep you informed. PAGE 2: Social affairs
  3. 3. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012 Rose Newman, 21, thinks moving the bar to Vaughn is a bad thing. The page 35 stunnah who just loves to party with the lads says “It’s like so difficult to get up those stairs in heels, like it’s literally not even funny.” Rose also thinks we should support our college’s table topping football team and that captain Nick Shinder is a real hottie. Well the Bogroll has only one piece of advice for captain Shinder, GO TO GROUND. HUSSEIN’S The Burton – Roppongi A taste of luxury for the Taylor Studio classy man about town We all know there’s nothing better than being forced to sit Please come in,Situated outside the beautiful Ashmolean through 2 hours of stuttering by museum on St Giles, Hussein’s fine food someone you don’t even like that please establishment uses only the very best much. The BT theatre in Oxfordroadkill for its kebabs and has become a has more experience in staple eatery for all Oxford’s young go delivering this than anywhere Roppongi is the most else in the city. For just £5 we getters after 1am. Our specialist sauces provide not just all the above exclusive club in Oxford, containing e-coli and salmonella are a but also a fantastic intimacy unique treat for anyone and discounts with the actors so they can even with our free entry and are available for banter with our hear/judge you when you cough. So don’t delay, come today and free shot with every drink waiters. Eat in* or take away, Hussein’s is the place to be. our delightful, small, bald deal Make sure you get manager Rob will show you around there early to beat the*Cannot eat in crowds! PAGE 3: Babes
  4. 4. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012THE BOG ROLL LEFT-OVERS DRIVE WOLFSON WORKS REVEAL MASS GRAVE.The purpose of the Bogroll is to make a difference to the world. To further this, we SUSPECT SAID TO HAVEhave started the BOGROLLLEFT-OVERS DRIVE. Bogroll are collecting PENCHANT FOR WEARINGabandoned (presumably) food stuffs from kitchens all over college and hoarding A FEZ, BEING FUCKINGthem in our cavernous freezing unit. We will then sell them to tramps and Hussein WEIRD.for a tidy 37p net profit. So far we have collected numerous items from the likes ofPark and ROQ with the help of WojtekBazant and ArseniyBaniyev - who kindly FIRST YEAR ATTEMPTS ATvolunteer for our cause in return for formal tickets – but we still need more recruits. ‘SEXY’ BOP COSTUMES AThe advertising on the JCR noticeboard has been tremendous lately with Alice UNIFORM FAILURE. ‘MUSTWestlake proudly announcing her donation of breakfast and CeriCairnduff (who?) TRY HARDER’, SAYS TOMwith her 2 pints of milk. It is important that you do not keep your donations ALLSUPanonymous. Everyone must read through your stories of donating food of quantitiesso irrelevant to you, but that could go so far for the BOGROLL LEFT-OVERSDRIVE. So, please, keep posting about your food donations because they are so PARTIAL REMOVAL OFimportant and need to be heard. Hopefully together we can all do something FLOWER BORDERSrelevant. AROUND QUAD REVEAL LOVELY FLOWERS. HARRY SPENCER SAVES PRAWN RING HALF PRICE ENTIRE FAMILY FROM BURNING BUILDING. COLLEGE RECEIVES LARGE AMOUNT OF NOVELTY TOLIET ROLL. COLLEGE STATES MYSTERIOUS LETTERING ‘ISIS’ AND ‘SIREN’ MAKES IT IS UNFIT FOR USE ACCORDING TO HEALTH AND SAFETY; FREE FOR ALL ON TABLE IN GREEN HALL. TOM ALLSUP CALLS PRINCIPLE ‘SILLY HAVE YOU EVER SEEN GWIL HUGHES SAUSAGE’ IN HEATED DURING A THUNDERSTORM? ROW The question you should be asking yourself is have you ever seen Gwill when lightening is about? Is it TAKING HOME OR TAKEN possible Gwil Hughes is actually Jove, God of sky HOME? JUNIOR DEAN and thunder? Gwil, unaware he was speaking STOPPED GOING HOME to an undercover bogroll reporter stated ‘I am not Jove.’, denying it unprompted in this WITH VIKRAM matter is undoubtedly so suspicious it is confirmation of the fact. ON TOP OF THIS EVIDENCE, given that this interchange was entirely fabricated and he has never denied being the supreme Roman deity, the question we have to ask ourselves is why HARRY SPENCER SAVES isn’t he denying it? ‘He has never denied being Jupiter, king of the Olympian gods’ FAMILY FROM BURNING says a suspicious Beth Denam, 14. HOUSE. PAGE 4: health and beauty
  5. 5. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012BOP BINGO HALF WAY HELLSomerville tarts get drunk and cry. Somerville’s most average night was an unmitigated social success; our Check. favourite early learning centre hero Josh Jordan managed to swallow aSarah French-Constant gets drunk and shrieks penny, having mistaken it for a piece of dubstep, Dan Yon smashed someat current entz reps for no apparent reason. St Johns boys with the help of Chichester and Panter, and all the year Unfortunately this rarest of birds did not make mixed in, ‘the Ghana girls’ meeting half of 2nd year Somerville for the firsther usual appearance. tie. There was only one slight hitch because Barney loves Tess so uch heJack Twilton gets so drunk he humiliates felt in necessary to give a speshial metion to him and her for most likely tohimself and others by association. get married. Very awkward. Various other self-congratulatory awards were handed down from the entz throne, the most prestigious of which was the College Bike Award. Despite a truly astonishing sprint in the last leg, the yellow jersey went to 1st Lady and Princess Kate cycled into 2nd in the race for the CBA*. Furious, she set out to prove that monarchy still trumps democracy. Wasting no time after halfway hell, our Katie went for it and Pauled the following: Tim Williams, Helen Britton, Grace Dowling, VikramNaragarajagaragarajan, Isabelle Saunders, Oliver Starkey, Old Man Bridge, Hussein, the Bob Marley tramp, Dr.ArmitaHaldar of 10 KingstonCheck. Road, a stray dog, a traffic cone ... and Daniel YonAlex Probodziak blurring the lines betweendance and grand mal seizure *(College Bike Award: “mate the lights just came on in Bridge, and I Can’tWho? Be Arsed to try”)Olivia Arigho stiles and DaniellaShreir eatingeach other’s facesFrom previous attept details still unclear as to QUANTATIVE TEASINGwhether fingering garnered lodged bullet, ormisplaced copy of Das Kapital. Unfortunatelythis time Alim’s number came up in her Boplottery.Katie Paul gets a new boyfriendPost half-way hall, we think this bird has landedin Yon-land.Someone’s friend from home attempts to getwith our women.Only Clark’s boyf spotted. Fit or Fat?Popular third year boyz leave earlySHOCKINGLY these notorious hipsters stayedall the way through the bop before heading to apart-a in DHQ. Looks like their social tastes arebecoming a little bit wilder.Boyer and Jowitt take their clothes offObviously this happened. Stocks in the F@cebook shares of one Dr V. Naragarajagaragajan haveUNEXPECTED - Little Willie’s little willie taken a pummelling in recent weeks. Lame F@cebook comments such asNot happy with standing patiently for 30 “If he gets annoying Will, I can just throw a potato at him” and “What weseconds Little Willie Not-Fitt whipped it out could do is UV-label all the food and then do period checks of peoplesand went there and then all over the place. In room, looking for UV on their fingers and then apprehend the perpetrator”fairness though, he was kind enough to mop his have bombed horrifically with 0 ‘likes’ each. In fact, the latter commentmess as he was only wearing socks. did have one ‘like’ from the JCR Noticeboard’s Beccas-Jane SchofieldUNEXPECTED – RACE WAR which is arguably even worse. He has even sunk so low in a desperateNick Shinder, prompted by the Elders of Zion, attempt to get ‘likes’ that he even posted a meme on the noticeboard; aattempted to destroy Somerville Chapel. He was successful tactic but the bailout has left Dr Naragajaragarajan in evendeaned for his efforts. deeper debt to society. With no signs of Dr Naragajarajaragaragajan becoming witty anytime soon, the best advice we at Bogroll Finance can give is to sell sellsell and delete Dr Naragajaragarajaragan as a friend. PAGE 5: high society and finance
  6. 6. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012 Membership benefits include: glow in the dark badge, secret handshake code book, and an unjustified sense of social superiority. Membership application form available on the back of most cereal boxes. PAGE 6: Wildlife
  7. 7. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012The market is crashing; jobs are becoming scarce and your mews house, Volvo and LONELY HEARTZ </32.2 children are slipping away. But don’t worry, over the next few issues thebogroll will teach you how to spice up your CV. To get you started, we’ll do the Gangly boy seeks maneaterCherwell. Must enjoy excessive facebookThe Cherwell is the pinnacle of Oxford student journalism. If you do want to be a activity and coming to seejourno-prick it’s important to get involved as early as possible in order to get used overrated comedy shows. Earlyto people disliking you in preparation for being regarded as a self-important commitment is preferable butparasite for the rest of your life. not essential. Recently on the Beginning market so looking for some friendship first and maybe  Adopt a journo tone: remember, the Cherwell isn’t a real newspaper, it more. only masquerades as one, so don’t write like you would normally, write in a funny journo voice. 4th year BNOC and sidekick  Start ‘in media res’: shove them right in the middle of whatever WILD story seeking 2 asexual females to maintain illusion of you’ve embroiled yourself in this time. heterosexuality to parents. - ‘We’ve all felt it before, that nervous feeling before a date…’ Hobbies include foooty, banter - ‘So here this reporter was, standing on a cold street corner…’ and being topless around one Middle another.  Give them a break ;) Remember, the exotic life of a Cherwell journo is 1st Ladie seeking JCR president unlike anything your readership will have experienced before, go on; give elect. If you are interested in them a bit of space to breathe. the position of lover please - ‘hold on, let’s wind back the clock…’ submit a manifesto and attend hustings at my place (dress - ‘you may be wondering at this point just WHAT was going on?’ code: silk panties). Relentless,  Themes! Oxford may be selective, but there aren’t all that many bright anti-social ambition in the face people here. Therefore you need to appeal to the masses: exploit knee-jerk of bored friends vital. reactions, prejudices, and rest your article on facile assumptions. If you Unsuccessful applicants can also take the position of my look closely the Cherwell is riddled with subliminal messages in square Dan Purcell. brackets ([]) throughout. Here is an excerpt from a recent article. Rugby lad seeks mistress‘Oxford University is to receive a [MARGRET THATCHER] philanthropic I play rugby, seriously, I playdonation of £26 million from the wid[PRIVATE/STATE SCHOOL DIVIDE]ow of rugby. Must know how tothe founder of Atlantic Records, Ahmet Ertegun. The ‘Ertegun Scholarship’ wash board shorts and flip-programme [5TH WEEK BLUES]will be the single largest flops and look judgementally atdonation[UNINFORMED OPINION ON EURO CRISIS] for humanities students those punier than me. If youin Oxford’s 900 year history. [RADCAM] The money will initially provide full you’re interested let me knowfunding for 15 humanities postgraduates every year but will be endowed in and I’ll set up dinner at jamalsperpetuity in the future, allowing up to 35 postgraduates to attend for free every (please bring your 13 quidyear [WE GO TO OXFORD]. yeah?) Woodstock thesp seeks crowd End of 60 to come and admire her  If you’ve followed the Cherwell guidelines, you don’t have to worry about for an hour and a half. Cast finishing an article, as no one will have got this far. If you’re paranoid, you party at mine after; come see can just whack in something like ‘and then I woke up and it was all a my novelty piano drinks dream’. Frankly no-one cares. cabinet. Must have a play poster as profile pic. PAGE 7: CV clinic
  8. 8. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012 GHANA PROJECT! DO YOU LIKE: - Self-indulgent photos with African children - Getting pissed in empty clubs - Posing on motorcycles - Getting heavily tanned on beaches - Being ironic and having so many lols - Catharsis [I’m guessing the answer to all the questions above was a yes!? Lol! Ghana Girls ftw] Then Ghana Project is right for you! Ghana Project is an initiative which allows young, rich, big chested and POPULAR women to have a knees up, with the necessary money raised through a number of fundraising schemes. We cloak this fulfilling/life changing experience behind a charitable facade, but, saying that, we did actually work at an orphanage for one day! Think of all the facebook photo opportunities. Philippa Makepeace, second-year Chemist, “Most importantly this experience has made me far less complacent. I am now more thankful for everything I have. You should never take things for granted!” [Sent from my ipad] Gorging on sushi at ‘Yo Sushi’ (haunt of the Ghana Girls)
  9. 9. SOMERVILLE BOG ROLL5th March 2012 LONELY HEARTZ </3 Barbour wearing twat seeks simple minded country girl. Parents must be friends. Green trousered vegan seeks mealtime companion. Familiarity with English language optional. BY THE WAY has anyone seen my green trousers? Ian-Dury-and-the- Blockheads-liking one-time associate of Guy Garvey seeks female companion of ANY age/nationality forBIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE Morrissey Disco dancing and late nights watching South Park. SIREN SEEKS EDITORS <3 Raddest publication in town seeks two zany editors. We’re looking for the kind of creative genius that can make an acrostic out of the ENTIRE ALPHABET.Dear readers, Meet up for cookies and hot chocolate in Park JCR in aThank you for reading the Somerville Bogroll, if you thought this was seriously chilled atmosphere,shit please let us know, and help us to make it better – send your and we’ll get chatting!pictures, gossip, and letters to somervillebogroll@gmail.com . Allcontributions are anonymous. The great thing about us here @ the S1r3n is that we let everyone speak.Again, we don’t mean to be mean, so let us know if there’s a problem. Even those that probablySee you soon shouldn’t.xoxo PAGE 9: Religion and Marine Life

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