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Thanks for the Feedback
The Science and Art of receiving
feedback well.
Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen
When we ask people to list their
most difficult conversations,
feedback always comes up.
We swim in an ocean of feedback.
When we give feedback, we notice
that the receiver isn’t good at
receiving it. When we receive
feedback, we notice that th...
The term ‘feedback’ was coined in
the 1860s, during the industrial
revolution to describe the way in
which outputs of ener...
Learning about ourselves can be
painful, sometimes brutally so.
Receiving feedback doesn’t mean
you always have to take the
feedback. Receiving it well means
engaging in the conversation...
People who are willing to look at
themselves are just easier to work
with and live with. Being with
people who are grounde...
Most of us just do fine with
positive feedback, although even
praise can sometimes leave us
uneasy.
There are three feedback triggers:
Truth triggers, Relationship
triggers, Identity triggers.
In feedback, separate
appreciation, coaching and
evaluation in the discussion.
Appreciation is about relationship
and human connection. When your
boss says how grateful he is to have
you on the team.
W...
Reassurance, ‘you can do this’, ‘I
trust you to do this’, ’go ahead’
also falls in additional judgments,
but on the positi...
We need all three
Type of feedback Giver’s purpose
Appreciation To see, acknowledge, connect,
motivate, thank
Coaching To ...
Appreciation seems the least
important, however, no
relationship can move forward
without appreciation both ways.
Effective feedback needs three things
1. What’s my purpose in giving/receiving this
feedback?
2. Is it the right purpose f...
Move from that’s wrong to tell me more
Comment What was heard What was meant
Coaching Be more confident Give the impressio...
Feedback givers arrive at their
feedback in two steps : 1. they
observe data and 2. they interpret
the data that tells a s...
Feedback is best when its specific
and not beating around the bush.
Most people are not specific in
conversations for fear...
A blind spot is something we don’t
see about ourselves that others do
see.
Tone of voice also conveys a
surprising amount ...
E mail body language:
ALL CAPS is a signal, a bunch of ?????
Is a signal, someone marked cc on the
mail is a strategic pla...
Emotions play a huge role in the gap
between how others see us and how
we assume we are seen. Emotional
math's is really a...
How I see me How you see me
Shy Aloof
Upbeat Phony
Spontaneous Flaky
Truth teller Nasty
Passionate Emotional
Smart Arrogan...
Offering feedback is ‘holding up
the mirror”. Mirrors are two types
– a supportive mirror and am
honest mirror.
A supporti...
We all have blind spots because
we cant see our own faces in
conversations, cant hear our tone
of voice and are unaware of...
Look at it from a systems point :
Be on the lookout if you are
externalizing, take responsibility
for your part, and see w...
The magic 40 :
Research suggests that 50 % of our
happiness is wired in, 40 % is
attributed to how we interpret
and respon...
A movie is better when we get lost
in it, and the same is true for life.
Thoughts+Feelings = story
Move toward a growth identity
Identity question Fixed GROWTH
Who am I? I'm fixed, I am who I am. I change, learn, grow
Can...
Rejecting feedback is easy. The
three boundaries for rejection are:
Not taking advice, Not taking
feedback right now and s...
Four body skills for managing the
conversation:
Listening, Asserting, Process
moves and problem solving.
Ask for regular feedback and ask
how you can help better? When
giving feedback, look at what’s
stopping people, i.e. getti...
What leadership and HR can do?
1. Don’t just trumpet benefits, explain
tradeoffs
2. Separate appreciation, coaching and
ev...
What team leaders and feedback
givers can do.
1. Model learning, request coaching
2. As givers manage mindset and identity...
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Thanks for the feedback - Book Summary

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Thanks for the feedback - Book Summary

  1. 1. Thanks for the Feedback The Science and Art of receiving feedback well. Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen
  2. 2. When we ask people to list their most difficult conversations, feedback always comes up. We swim in an ocean of feedback.
  3. 3. When we give feedback, we notice that the receiver isn’t good at receiving it. When we receive feedback, we notice that the giver isn’t good at giving it!!
  4. 4. The term ‘feedback’ was coined in the 1860s, during the industrial revolution to describe the way in which outputs of energy, momentum or signals are returned to their point of origin in a mechanical system.
  5. 5. Learning about ourselves can be painful, sometimes brutally so.
  6. 6. Receiving feedback doesn’t mean you always have to take the feedback. Receiving it well means engaging in the conversation skillfully.
  7. 7. People who are willing to look at themselves are just easier to work with and live with. Being with people who are grounded and open is energizing.
  8. 8. Most of us just do fine with positive feedback, although even praise can sometimes leave us uneasy.
  9. 9. There are three feedback triggers: Truth triggers, Relationship triggers, Identity triggers.
  10. 10. In feedback, separate appreciation, coaching and evaluation in the discussion.
  11. 11. Appreciation is about relationship and human connection. When your boss says how grateful he is to have you on the team. When you ask your boss for more direction, you are asking for coaching. When your boss says you are a strong performer and can be groomed, that’s evaluation.
  12. 12. Reassurance, ‘you can do this’, ‘I trust you to do this’, ’go ahead’ also falls in additional judgments, but on the positive side.
  13. 13. We need all three Type of feedback Giver’s purpose Appreciation To see, acknowledge, connect, motivate, thank Coaching To help receiver expand knowledge, sharpen skill, improve capability Evaluation To rate or rank against a set of standards, to align expectations, to inform decision making
  14. 14. Appreciation seems the least important, however, no relationship can move forward without appreciation both ways.
  15. 15. Effective feedback needs three things 1. What’s my purpose in giving/receiving this feedback? 2. Is it the right purpose from my point of view? 3. Is it the right purpose from the other person’s point of view?
  16. 16. Move from that’s wrong to tell me more Comment What was heard What was meant Coaching Be more confident Give the impression you know things even if you don’t Have the confidence to say you don’t know when you don’t know I wish you weren’t so opinionated Don’t be interesting to talk to, get bland You don’t listen to anyone, its exhausting Evaluation You’ve received a 4 out of 5 this year Last year I got a 4.1, I worked much harder, why isn’t hard work noticed? No one gets a 5.Few get a 4 and you’ve done it twice. You are doing a great job
  17. 17. Feedback givers arrive at their feedback in two steps : 1. they observe data and 2. they interpret the data that tells a story
  18. 18. Feedback is best when its specific and not beating around the bush. Most people are not specific in conversations for fear of hurting others.
  19. 19. A blind spot is something we don’t see about ourselves that others do see. Tone of voice also conveys a surprising amount of information about our feelings. Sometimes we need to step up the tone to get the message.
  20. 20. E mail body language: ALL CAPS is a signal, a bunch of ????? Is a signal, someone marked cc on the mail is a strategic placement , the reply being slow is another signal, watch , watch for this. There is feedback here. In e mail, we know what they said, we want to know what they meant.
  21. 21. Emotions play a huge role in the gap between how others see us and how we assume we are seen. Emotional math's is really a subject of a larger dynamic. When something goes wrong and I am part of it, I will attribute it to the situation, you will tend to attribute it to my character.
  22. 22. How I see me How you see me Shy Aloof Upbeat Phony Spontaneous Flaky Truth teller Nasty Passionate Emotional Smart Arrogant High Standards Hypercritical Outgoing Overbearing
  23. 23. Offering feedback is ‘holding up the mirror”. Mirrors are two types – a supportive mirror and am honest mirror. A supportive mirror shows us at our best, a honest mirror shows us the way look right now.
  24. 24. We all have blind spots because we cant see our own faces in conversations, cant hear our tone of voice and are unaware of our behavior.
  25. 25. Look at it from a systems point : Be on the lookout if you are externalizing, take responsibility for your part, and see what will make you change.
  26. 26. The magic 40 : Research suggests that 50 % of our happiness is wired in, 40 % is attributed to how we interpret and respond to what happens to us and 10 % is driven by our circumstances.
  27. 27. A movie is better when we get lost in it, and the same is true for life.
  28. 28. Thoughts+Feelings = story
  29. 29. Move toward a growth identity Identity question Fixed GROWTH Who am I? I'm fixed, I am who I am. I change, learn, grow Can I change? My traits are fixed, effort doesn’t change it My capabilities are always evolving. Effort and hard work will pay off What’s the goal Success. The outcome is what matters The process of learning is what’s rewarding. Success is a by product When do I feel smart and successful? When I do something perfectly. When I struggle and then start to figure it out. Response to challenge Threat, I might be exposed Opportunity, I can learn and improve Most comfortable environment Safety within my abilities, zones. Just outside my abilities to stretch my capabilities
  30. 30. Rejecting feedback is easy. The three boundaries for rejection are: Not taking advice, Not taking feedback right now and stop, I will leave if this is the feedback.
  31. 31. Four body skills for managing the conversation: Listening, Asserting, Process moves and problem solving.
  32. 32. Ask for regular feedback and ask how you can help better? When giving feedback, look at what’s stopping people, i.e. getting in their way.
  33. 33. What leadership and HR can do? 1. Don’t just trumpet benefits, explain tradeoffs 2. Separate appreciation, coaching and evaluation 3. Promote a culture of learners.
  34. 34. What team leaders and feedback givers can do. 1. Model learning, request coaching 2. As givers manage mindset and identity 3. Be aware of how individual differences collide in an organization ( dreamy, articulate, big talkers, never get the concept of responsiveness and deadlines, they need to be shown the reality of business)

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