This document provides strategies for effectively engaging in difficult conversations and negotiations. It emphasizes the importance of preparation, including identifying the problem, clarifying one's goal, anticipating reactions, and planning a message that is accurate, brief, and clear. Key recommendations include listening without interrupting, acknowledging other perspectives, responding calmly without becoming defensive, and being willing to discuss issues as they arise in the future. The overall message is that preparation, empathy, and maintaining composure are vital for successfully navigating high-stakes discussions.
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Strategies for Difficult Conversations
1. Strategies for Dealing
with Difficult
Conversations and
Negotiations
âOne of the greatest arts in life is learning how
to disagree without being disagreeableâ.
Power of a Positive NO, William Ury
1
2. Key Message
Having the ability to successfully engage in
difficult conversations with clients, boards,
bosses and staff is an important skill to
successfully manage relationships and
results.
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3. Types of Difficult
Conversations
īŽ Disagreeing when the stakes are high
īŽ Dealing with rude and disrespectful
behaviour
īŽ Saying âNoâ
īŽ Delivering difficult news
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4. When do we need to Engage?
To determine if you need to have a
difficult conversation ask yourself;
what is at STAKE here?
What happens if you donât have the
conversation?
4
5. Ineffective Ways to Manage
Difficult Conversations
īŽ Avoid
īŽ Back Down
īŽ Combat
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7. Framework for Success
īŽ Prepare to Talk
īŽ Prepare and Deliver an ABC Message
īŽ Stop Talking and Start Listening
īŽ Stay Cool
īŽ Respond not Defend
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8. Prepare: Identify the Real
Problem
īŽ What are the facts? What is the other person
doing or saying that is causing a problem?
īŽ What is the effect/result of their action/inaction on
you or others?
Remember your beliefs, assumptions and
judgments about the situation are not facts!
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9. Prepare: Clarify your Goal
What are you hoping to achieve in having
this difficult conversation?
īŽ Is it doable?
īŽ Is it within your control?
īŽ Is it productive?
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10. Prepare: Plan Ahead
Follow the Scout Motto: Be Prepared
īŽAnticipate their reaction so you donât get
hooked
īŽKnow your back-up plan if you do not get
cooperation or the conversation goes sour
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12. Brief
īŽ Decide what is most important and leave it
at that-no dredging up ancient history
īŽ Avoid lengthy explanations
īŽ Less is more
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13. Clear
īŽ Get straight to the heart of the matter
īŽ No hints or innuendo-give diplomacy a rest
īŽ Avoid blaming others
īŽ Avoid the feedback âsandwichâ
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14. Deliver your ABC Message
Deliver your ABC Message
ī¨Be Calm
ī¨Be Confident
ī¨Be Neutral
This is about giving people the âstraight goodsâ
in a respectful and non-judgmental way
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15. Stop Talking Start Listening
īŽ Turn the conversation over to the other
person and then Embrace Silence
īŽ The moments following the delivery of your
message are the most difficult. Be prepared
for the discomfort.
īŽ Give the other person the space to respond
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16. Listen Up!
īŽ Listening is more than not talking. It is about
being present and curious
īŽ Listen with thoughtful attention to understand
what the other person is thinking and feeling.
What are their concerns?
Resist the temptation toâĻinterrupt
17
17. Acknowledge the Other
Even if you donât agree with what the other person is
saying, you can acknowledge:
īŽtheir perspective by conveying your understanding
of what you hear
īŽtheir feelings by showing empathy or understanding
Acknowledgement is about Respect
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18. Why Bother?
īŽ The key to having them âhearâ your
message is having he confidence to listen
to them speak without interruption
īŽ Everyone what to be heard and
understood
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19. Stay Cool!
īŽ Be prepared for a strong emotional
reaction or âpush backâ
īŽ Give them the space to have their reaction
īŽ Have your plan to stay calm, cool and
confident
Remember it is not personal
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20. Respond Not Defend
īŽ Pause before responding
īŽ Resist the temptation to respond in kind,
back down, or become defensive
Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.
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21. Wrap it Up
īŽ Re-state your message
īŽ Clarify misinformation/misunderstandings
īŽ Reiterate expectations and boundaries
īŽ Clarify what you have agreed to
Be Calm. Be Concise. Be Confident.
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22. Going forwardâĻ
īŽ Deal with issues as they arise
īŽ Prepare for all of your difficult
conversations
īŽ If someone comes at you listen, question,
acknowledge and then take some timeâĻ
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23. Resources
īŽ Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters
Most, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Shelia Heen,
(Penguin Books, 2000)
īŽ The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen
R. Covey (Free Press, 1989, 2004)
īŽ Beyond Reason, Using Emotions as You Negotiate by
Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro, (Viking Penguin 2005)
īŽ Mistakes were Made (but not by me), by Carol
Tarvis and Elliot Aronson, (Harcourt Inc., 2007)
īŽ Dialogue and the art of thinking together by William
Issacs (Doubleday 1999)
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24. Resources Continued
īŽ Fierce Conversations, Achieving Success, at Work &
in Life, One Conversation at a Time, by Susan Scott,
(Berkley Books, 2002)
īŽ Taking the War out of Our Words: by Sharon Strand
Ellison (Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, 1998-2009)
īŽ Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when the
stakes are high, by Patterson et al, (McGraw- Hill 2002)
īŽ First Break All the Rules: by Buckingham & Coffman
(Simon & Schuster Inc.,1999)
īŽ Itâs all Your Fault: 12 Tips for Managing People who
Blame Others for Everything, by Bill Eddy (HCI Press,
2009)
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What gets in the way of listening?
The running dialogue in your head that is filled with all sorts of snappy retorts.
How can you calm this inside voice chatter? This is all about the preparation you did in anticipating their reaction.
Responsibility:
The ability to choose your own response. Covey p. 71
Ghandi âThey cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to themâ
What matters most is how we respond to what happens to us in life
Reactive language becomes a self fulfilling prophecy vs. proactive language e.g. Iâll try vs. I will; There is nothing I can do vs. I will look for alternatives; I have to do that vs. I will do that canât vs. I choose.