www.datingdynamics.com




Dating Q&A
A Compilation Of Advice And Dating
Strategies For Men




                By Carlos ...
DATING Q&A



This work is copyrighted by the author. No unauthorized duplication or presentation allowed.
               ...
DATING Q&A



        “Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men
who've ever lived. I see all this potential...
DATING Q&A

                                                         INTRODUCTION

         Thanks for taking the time to ...
DATING Q&A


       QUESTION:
       My girlfriend scopes out other men:
       I am living in Miami, and there's a lot of...
DATING Q&A



        As for your question of “unfaithfulness,” I submit that you need to make that
judgment yourself. If ...
DATING Q&A

moving on. You might even consider being the first one and breaking it off now, before
she cheats on you or du...
DATING Q&A

nice girl (from what I hear) So how do I start a conversation with her?!?!?! What do I
say, what do I do?!
   ...
DATING Q&A

        - Stop calling her. Yeah, I know you’re probably falling victim to that compulsive
voice in the back o...
DATING Q&A

SUCCESS WITH WOMEN. Watch any man who gets results and you'll see what I
mean.


        You have to risk a wo...
DATING Q&A

       *********


       Great question!
        First off, congratulations on overcoming one of man's bigges...
DATING Q&A

        There's no reason why you can't just jump past the small talk and assume a
higher level of familiarity...
DATING Q&A




      QUESTION
        Considering the fact that I have not at all been unsuccessful with women , I got
rea...
DATING Q&A

they know isn't going anywhere, but they feel that crazy attraction that actually rules
their actions. That su...
DATING Q&A

       C'mon, guys. It's time to start THINKING.
        You have to stand out and be DIFFERENT. Beautiful wom...
DATING Q&A

      And don't be so concerned about showing her that you're not a quot;shallow @#%$,quot;
because that's mor...
DATING Q&A

        Instead, keep a safe distance, and work to get her attracted first. (You guys know
this from the book....
DATING Q&A

              - She asks a lot of questions about you
              - She talks about sexual topics (without y...
DATING Q&A


       PAIN MANAGEMENT
      I was snowboarding in Lake Tahoe a few weeks back, and there was a
demonstration...
DATING Q&A

major leagues. (Unlike Michael, you CAN and WILL make it to the major leagues in this
sport if you keep learni...
DATING Q&A

       Here's a bonus strategy: To keep your attitude and sense of self and fulfillment
up - and the pain cont...
DATING Q&A

        John is at a bar with Mary, who he just started talking to. He's been talking to her
for a few minutes...
DATING Q&A

       Be aware that many women aren't used to having this kind of role reversal used
on them. They will test ...
DATING Q&A

we used to but it was mainly for the incredible sex. We always ended up in a screaming
yelling fight and she u...
DATING Q&A

        Seek some anger management. Your temper and anger is a problem. You have
no idea how a lack of emotion...
DATING Q&A

question. Second, it puts her on the defense for a moment.) Listen VERY carefully to
her answer.
       If she...
DATING Q&A


      QUESTION:
      I hope you can help me. I have looked everywhere and figured only you guys will
probabl...
DATING Q&A


      QUESTION:

        I had a girlfriend of a year and a half. We are over 10 years apart- I am older. we
...
DATING Q&A



       2) Not a go-getter.
       You need to find a little ambition in your life, dude. Women are attracted...
DATING Q&A

not her opinion of you, and make it clear to her that this is your source. Only then do
you stand a chance of ...
DATING Q&A

        This girl is a model part-time and she's pretty damn hot so that doesn't help
things either. What the ...
DATING Q&A



       3) Early on, you got buying indicators (touching, etc.) but you chose to ignore
them. When you failed...
DATING Q&A

       Don't date her. If you don't stop this now you're going to wind up as one of those
sorry case examples ...
DATING Q&A



       (First of all, let me fill in some blanks for the readers. This email came in with a
couple of articl...
DATING Q&A

       If I had a dime for every guy I knew who was good looking but totally f*&$ing up
his singles life becau...
DATING Q&A




       QUESTION
      So how much do you tell a woman up front about yourself? They always ask so
many ques...
DATING Q&A

       Her honesty = Your repulsion.
       You will NOT be more attracted to her or likely to sleep with her ...
DATING Q&A




       QUESTION:

       Dear Guru,
       I met a girl when I was last in my home city on holiday. I got h...
DATING Q&A

progressed to the goal confidently before your departure. You saw that if you worked to
your goal, you will ge...
Carlos Xuma   Dating Q&A
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Carlos Xuma Dating Q&A

  1. 1. www.datingdynamics.com Dating Q&A A Compilation Of Advice And Dating Strategies For Men By Carlos Xuma
  2. 2. DATING Q&A This work is copyrighted by the author. No unauthorized duplication or presentation allowed. Copyright © 2003, DD Publications All Rights Reserved (Ver. DD-005-9-4-2003) www.datingdynamics.com © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 2
  3. 3. DATING Q&A “Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.” - Tyler Durden – “Fight Club” © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 3
  4. 4. DATING Q&A INTRODUCTION Thanks for taking the time to download this e-book. I think you’re going to be in for a great time with the information you’re about to read. This is a compilation of dating and seduction information I’ve given to my readers at Dating Dynamics (http://www.datingdynamics.com) and The Seduction Method* (http://www.seductionmethod.com). The questions I’ve received have ranged from insightful and thought-provoking to shocking, and just about everywhere in between. This book is not meant as merely entertainment – it is designed to instruct by illustration. I am willing to bet that most guys have experienced some or all of these situations to some degree. I know you’ll find the insight and answers applicable in some way. I have left most of the questions in this guide as they were sent to me. Though, I have cleaned up some spelling and punctuation errors that may have made them difficult to read. These are all real questions from real people, and I think you’ll learn a lot of valuable and practical solutions from the advice. If you have questions of your own, please feel free to email me at: advice@datingdynamics.com or at advice@seductionmethod.com. I may not be able to answer every email, but I will do my very best. Enjoy! *In a great deal of these responses, I frequently mention another book we offer: The Seduction Method. It’s an excellent course that you may wish to add on to your Dating Dynamics information. It covers the critical principles of seduction and handling your sexual progression with women. Don’t worry – you’ve got a lot of material to learn here, and when you’re ready I’ve added more information about this program at the end if you are interested in continuing your education. The principles taught in that book are the added principles of a successful sex life, and are essential for all men. You’ll get a lot of valuable insight here, and much much more from the actual guide. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 4
  5. 5. DATING Q&A QUESTION: My girlfriend scopes out other men: I am living in Miami, and there's a lot of competition, and my girlfriend is always disrespecting me by checking out the competition. She says she isn't but you can tell. We've been 2gether 4yrs and are supposed to be 'in love'. But how can we be in love if she's always thinking about some other guy / checking him out when I'm out with her... I found this quote on another site: quot;...So don't let the excuse that quot;she's probably already got a boyfriendquot; stop you from flirting with a foxy chick that catches your eye. They'll always be flattered by a classy approach and willing to entertain your 'sales pitch'. The only exception is if they're newly married -- then they send out STAY AWAY signals all over the place to every guy on the planet.quot; So what if you’re the boyfriend and you've got to deal with men starting at your girl... and your girl staring right back. She's acting available and like I'm not even there next to her. My friends have advised me to do the same cause she's unfaithful doing this. Is she really unfaithful when she does this? Should I even care? -Confused Alien ************** You’re not as confused as you think .... Your girl is disrespecting you, Alien. Don't dismiss your instincts. She's demonstrating that she's lost most (if not all) of her attraction and interest in you. She's also showing that she needs this kind of drama-seeking attention to get you interactive with her. Step one: Start demonstrating some aloofness. Give her some reason to doubt her hold on you. When you react to her attention-seeking behavior with jealousy you are reinforcing it. STOP! Step two: Start flirting with others and demonstrating that other women can be interested in YOU. Start building up your self-confidence and self-respect. Step three: Other men are staring at her because she's desirable, and your insecurity leads you to believe that their attention is the problem, when in fact it's your jealousy. It's like a guy who admires your car; you should be flattered and excited that your choice and taste is admired, and happy that she chose you. Still, she is playing you pretty hard, and you can’t say you didn’t see the warning signs. She appears to have put up a “For Sale by Owner” card in her windshield. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 5
  6. 6. DATING Q&A As for your question of “unfaithfulness,” I submit that you need to make that judgment yourself. If you are uncomfortable with her attention to other men, and you’ve made it known to her, and she STILL does it, I’d say that’s her flaunting her power over you. She defies your requests, and she knows you won’t do anything about it. She knows you’re a wimp, and she’s playing you for it, and laughing at you with her defiance. You’re right: All those other guys are going to play along with her need for attention, and so are you, so far. If one of them manages to scoop her away from you, it will be because you ignored the signs. There is a chance she’s just playing the jealousy card with you because she is still invested in your relationship, and she’s trying to give you nuclear weapon-sized indicators that she wants you to get off your ass and attend to her. If you’ve been neglecting her, consider this a bitch-slap wake-up call. Get on the stick and show her a self-confident man who can meet her needs. If you’re going to try and salvage this relationship, I won’t kid you – you’ve got an uphill battle. But if you’re up for a challenge, start with the steps I gave you above. After 4 years, you need to get back to the grass roots of what made her attracted to you in the first place. Start busting her balls and being a little less predictable. Chances are, she knows you better than the missionary position. Give her a little healthy, loving attention, and see what she does with it. Does she change her attitude? The one thing that will sink your relation-ship faster than a cruise missile is her Bad Attitude. You need two people to play this game, if you want to win. The simple explanation is that you are probably at a point where something new or different needs to happen. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Stop. Observe. Think. Instead of jumping from reaction to reaction, break the cycle and SEE what is going on. Only that way will you stand a chance to fix what’s broken. A mechanic doesn’t just put your car up on the lift and start replacing things without looking and listening to the engine. You should be doing the same. (By the way, you don’t have to live in Miami to endure competition. Get used to it. Instead of complaining, get back on your toes, and get your game face on.) Remember: The grass might look greener on the other lawn, but it still needs to be mowed. If her attraction and respect for you has dipped too low, you’re better off © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 6
  7. 7. DATING Q&A moving on. You might even consider being the first one and breaking it off now, before she cheats on you or dumps you. VALIDATION Part of our needs as humans is to get validation along the way to assure us and make us feel approved of. We sought this validation and approval from our parents and peers when we were children, and we never really let go of that need when we had to quot;grow up.quot; Limit the amount of approval you need from other people. You can't worry too much about what other people think about you. It's easy to go through life seeking approval and never really accomplish anything because you're trying to please everyone. You can't, and it's a belief that you must leave behind. (Willie Loman in quot;Death of a Salesmanquot; fails to achieve for this same reason. He thinks it's better to be liked that to achieve real lasting success.) What this means for you in dating is that you need to be able to communicate, through subtle and not-so-subtle methods, that you do not need her approval. A woman will not feel attracted to a man if she feels she has power over his sense of self-esteem. How do you communicate this? One way is to find and pursue your own personal interests. This can be as simple as a hobby or a sport interest, like swimming or weight training. The best way you can demonstrate your independence is to have goals outside of a relationship. Having a personal direction or mission (something I discuss at length in my book The Dating Black Book) is immensely attractive for a woman. It shows women that you have a life outside of pursuing them. Hint at a depth they need to explore. The more you seek approval and validation, the more it will elude you. Question: I am recovering from an ex... but I want to see others. I don’t know how to do it! It is incredibly frustrating to be so unsuccessful with women. I don't know how to approach them or how to talk to them! I like this girl at the gym, she's a lifeguard there and a very © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 7
  8. 8. DATING Q&A nice girl (from what I hear) So how do I start a conversation with her?!?!?! What do I say, what do I do?! Does anyone know how I can stop being so scared of girls? I still miss my ex after breaking up with her in November. It is quite pathetic but I don’t know what to do! I still call her, and it hurts me to death to hear her talk about other guys and stuff! I know if I had a girl I truly wanted I would not even think twice of her. WHAT DO I DO, PLEASE ALL ADVICE IS NEEDED. ************** First, let me take a guess at something ... SHE broke up with you. How do I know this? You don’t need to be a therapist to see that you’re suffering from “she-broke-my- heart-itis.” And I’ll hesitate another guess that just before the end you probably came on too strong and she started to distance herself. You got more clingy and needy, leading to the eventual breakup. First of all, one thing you’ll learn in detail in my e-book is that you need to learn when and how to take a break. You need a recuperation period after any romantic entanglement. I call this the recharge period, and it's vitally necessary for many reasons: - Your self-esteem is in the crapper. That’s why you feel the urgency to hurry up and get back out there and meet new girls. You’re running a dialog in your head (below your conscious awareness) that makes you believe that since you lost this relationship, you might not get another woman again EVER. It’s not true, man. You did it once; you can do it again. - You really miss her, and that’s all the more reason not to rush out into another relationship. You're right, if you had another girl, you wouldn't think of her. Sure, you tell yourself you’d like to just go out and get laid, but the reality is that you will probably end up dating whoever you DO wind up sleeping with and thus turning her into rebound girl. You’ll realize you probably settled, and you’ll start to feel smothered, and then you’ll realize your mistake and wind up hurting some other poor girl. Stop the mistake before it’s made. This need is created by your falsely lowered self-esteem telling you that you need a replacement girl. What you need is DISTRACTION, not a substitute. - You can't be a whole man until you learn how to live and be happy without a woman in your life. Period. Your recuperation starts here and now. Engage your self-discipline and do the following: © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 8
  9. 9. DATING Q&A - Stop calling her. Yeah, I know you’re probably falling victim to that compulsive voice in the back of your head that wants to know ?Is she seeing other people? Do we still have a chance?? If you stay in contact with her you'll only wind up begging for her to reconsider, then tearful mementos at her doorstep, and further supplication on your part. You'll wind up like one of the guys on quot;Scrubs,quot; trading your balls for sex. Every time you get the urge to call her, have a substitute activity that gives you an equal amount of pleasure, such as turning on the X-box (I call this X-therapy) or going out for a bike-ride. Turn your pain into your gain. - Take a few weeks off from women - COMPLETELY. Don't give them a second thought. Don't pressure yourself into picking up or throwing out lines or anything. If you approach Lifeguard girl now, you'll probably blow it because of all this anxiety you've created for yourself. Take a little while and get your game together. When you are ready for Lifeguard girl, or any others, you need to approach her as if she were any other woman. If you build her up to be some kind of Greek Goddess, you'll just be intimidated and spooked on your attempts to talk with her, and you'll also be very unattractive. The cure? TEASE to PLEASE. (Another motto you'll hear me say quite a bit in the future.) Some people call this being cocky and funny, or negative hits, or whatever. The concept is mostly the same, only with my particular flavor. Here's how it works: - Never introduce yourself with a compliment to any woman's physical appearance. The good-looking ones hear it all the time, and the less attractive will smell your game like month-old milk. - Find something about her that you can tease. If it's her hair color, maybe her roots are starting to come in: quot;Hi! You know, I was wondering if the two-tone look was coming back. I was thinking of dying my roots blonde.quot; And give a very obvious sly smile that says you're yanking her chain. Her first response will be to be taken a little aback, but don't let that shake you up. Her overall reaction (the one you can't see) is that she is going to feel attraction and interest for someone that is not coming on to her about her beauty. She gets that all the time, I guarantee it. You MUST be different. Some might say that the tease above is crossing the line of being insulting, and that very well may be true. Try to deliver whatever you say with a playful tone and a smile. Make it as humorous as you can to take the edge off. (This is the key.) Teasing is perfect because it calls back to those days on the playground when you were pulling her pigtails and calling her quot;Pandy-Sandy! Your head is full of Can- deee!quot; Girls take this as a challenge to their self-image (as do men) and it evokes an interesting dynamic from them. Try it and observe it. Men who treat women like they're not attracted to them (i.e., are not in a woozy, starry-eyed love spell) have MORE © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 9
  10. 10. DATING Q&A SUCCESS WITH WOMEN. Watch any man who gets results and you'll see what I mean. You have to risk a woman's wrath before you can get her fully engaged in you. If she gets pissed and stalks off, she would have been a downer to hang around with anyway. Can you imagine getting hooked into a miserable relationship with a woman totally lacking a Humor Gland? It boggles the mind, dude. Shoot me now. The problem most guys suffer from is NOT that they don't know what to say or do. You're really suffering from a fear of REJECTION. You could say just about ANYTHING to her and it will be better than saying NOTHING and beating your head about it later. You doubt your own abilities. Stop making women so important, and you'll start to lose this anxiety. I go into oodles and oodles of detail about this and the underlying psychology of dating, posture, attitude ... the A-Z of dating and the male- female dynamic, in my e-book The Dating Black Book. Question: Wassup C- I am a 21 year old college student and have an important question for you that I think everyone might be interested in knowing.. I meet girls left or right be it at the cafeteria, my residence halls, the library, or in class. Getting small talk is easy for me as I am very good at carrying conversation. However if I’m talking to a new honey I still feel like where on the 'stranger' level and that its too soon to get any personal information out of her and too early to be busting her balls... How do I ease into the transition of getting’ to know the girl on a more personal level so that I can eventually get her to write her phone # down.. Is there any particular things that I should say to let her know that I’m not just talking to her for small talk' sake???? Also, another thing. I’m originally from a big city but am attending a college in a small town where the girls aren’t used to being around men of different ethnicities such as me...I know it might be mental but I'm not used to dating Caucasian women and feel inadequate a lot of the times... I feel like since they’re all used to dating Caucasian men, why would they date a dude like me even though I have more game most of the guys they meet. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 10
  11. 11. DATING Q&A ********* Great question! First off, congratulations on overcoming one of man's biggest hurdles: jumping right into conversation with women. If you can keep anxiety off this one simple skill, you'll have the advantage on most other men. I believe that most guys start out with this ability (or a little of it anyway) and then proceed to mess it up for themselves by placing far too much importance on their interactions with women. (As if females are some special breed of alien that they need to treat differently.) One of the things I hear all the time is that men often question when it is appropriate to bust on a girl. They say it often doesn't quot;feelquot; right when it's right off the bat. Just remember: It is NEVER too soon to bust her balls. You may have to do it a bit more delicately if it's the first time, but you can. Don't worry; she won't break. Keep in mind there are many purposes behind using the Tease to Please approach. For your situation, you are: 1) Trying to demonstrate that you are not like the rest of the guys who normally approach her. After a while, women get very acclimated to the standard male approach. The more attractive they are, the more they realize they wield the power in your initial interactions. 2) Show her that she won't get cut any slack just for being attractive. Cute girls have always had things given to them based solely on their appearance. You're confident enough to tease her because she isn't a prima-donna in your book. She's just like every other girl, and she has to earn her points just like they do. 3) Trying to bridge the gap of quot;strangerquot; as fast as possible. You don't want her thinking quot;Eww! Stranger!quot; for very long. So you need to overcome this and start building trust (that's what the quot;strangerquot; status is, a lack of trust) you BEHAVE like a man who's known her all her life. How would he behave? He'd tease her and treat her like a bratty sister. In short, you Tease because it's a shortcut to getting her interested, and so you can SKIP small talk and go right for the FUN talk. Small talk is just a way to build trust -- in a very SLOW way. Small talk is what we engage in as a socially acceptable way to demonstrate that we're not threatening or dangerous. quot;How about this weather, huh?quot; Booooring. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 11
  12. 12. DATING Q&A There's no reason why you can't just jump past the small talk and assume a higher level of familiarity. You do this with your sense of humor. A man with a lighthearted approach will seem much more easygoing (and trustable) than a man who is uptight and nervous at having to socially interact. You demonstrate that lack of nervousness through your teasing. Also, by teasing, you're giving her the message that SHE has something to prove to YOU, not the other way around. How do you tease her? Well, in a college setting, I can imagine there's a lot of opportunity. As you said, you've got a variety of locations to meet women in. An example in the Library, as she's looking through books: quot;Hey, didn't I see you ditching class in here last period? Aren't you late for Spanish? Or French? Or was it Underwater Basket Weaving...?quot; Give her a sassy smile so she knows you're messing with her. As for racial issues, you are right that small-town thinking can often be a challenge. But you must remember a few things: - I'll bet a high proportion of the girls in that school are not FROM that small town. The locals may have prejudices, but you'd be amazed at the diversity on campus. These are young people with open minds. They want to party, and experiment, and have fun. (Hmm... hang on here ... maybe I need to go back and work on my Masters...) - ALWAYS turn your perception of a hindrance to your benefit. You are unique, and you have to market yourself as such. You need to be the exotic treat on campus - the rare find. Imagine that there's a rumor going around among the girls at school who have not tasted YOUR particular cuisine, and they're all curious to know what it's like. If you want to have some real fun, start that rumor yourself. Remember: Everyone flocks to the exotic dish on the buffet once word gets around. The stale old white bread just gets the frozen butter. The word for you is Attitude. Convey the Attitude of a man who has what women want, and they will assume there's something worth looking into. Act the part of the man you want to be. I salute you for reaching out to learn more and hone your skills with women. Most guys your age are too busy assuming they already know it all. Keep on learning! © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 12
  13. 13. DATING Q&A QUESTION Considering the fact that I have not at all been unsuccessful with women , I got really excited when I somehow ended up on your website and listened to the intro. But my lack of success comes from the fact that I am a very short man about 4'2quot; and this puts a lot of women off. Actually some women have admitted to me that if I was a little bit taller they would consider going out with me. Do you think your book will somehow help me out on here? I understand now that women usually prefer men taller than them. But then I cant go on without finding a woman that somehow will like me ... Is there anything I can do to make a woman not to consider my lack of height and Find me attractive? Do you cover such agendas in your book? Awaiting your urgent response. ---------- Let me say this: 1) Will my book help you? Yes. Definitely. The principles help a man regardless of his height. These are principles that every man must be very aware of for long-term (even short-term) success. You have to have a strong inner game right along with your outer game. 2) Do I address how to overcome this particular situation? No, not specifically. You see, there are a set of beliefs that you will wind up working with, no matter what. Your physical situation (which I do not consider a disadvantage, just a challenge depending on your dating goals) is one that has its roots in many common beliefs among men. There are specific strategies to be employed. You never need to be short in spirit or mind, S. (Consider this: Stephen Hawking has been married and remarried, and the man has been totally incapacitated for decades. There are women for EVERYONE.) 3) Remember that you cannot make a woman ignore the obvious. The key to managing your situation is showing her the self-confident man that she will be attracted to. You see, there is the conscious part of her mind that can try to fight with her subconscious mind, the same way many men and women struggle with a relationship © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 13
  14. 14. DATING Q&A they know isn't going anywhere, but they feel that crazy attraction that actually rules their actions. That subconscious attraction mechanism is the part that every man has to engage in a woman or she will never truly be yours. One thing you can do is to make your height a source of humor. Don't put yourself down, but make it clear to her in your posture and lighthearted way that your height is not a source of insecurity for YOU. Once she knows YOU it's not a problem for you, she'll be much more interested. Remember: Women pick up on insecurity faster than Jennifer Lopez changes wedding plans. May I recommend the following: 1) Keep reading the newsletters and perhaps try my e-zine on Self-confidence. Your question has even brought it to my attention that I need to write an e-zine on overcoming personal challenges. (Which is something ALL men have to do, in varying degrees, by the way.) 2) Get my e-book. I guarantee it will help you in skills as well as understanding, and you can be the judge of the information therein. In addition, I give two free email counseling sessions where we can delve into your situation much more deeply. QUESTION: Ok, you go somewhere where there are a bunch of people. In the corner of your eye you see the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. in your mind you want to just go over there and start talking to her and screw her brains out. or ask her out or whatever. How do you get that conversation going? And how do you let her know that you are really interested in her, and show her that you aren't a shallow @#%$, only wanting to get in her pants? If you know this, you gotta share with me how to do it. The farthest I usually get is, quot;Hey how's it goin?quot; then that awkward silence that we all have experienced. ----------------------------------- quot;Hey, how's it going?quot; Is that the best you can do? Hey, how's it going? I'll personally guarantee you that she hears this and about 30 other lame quot;linesquot; ever single day. And you wonder why there's an awkward silence there, huh? © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 14
  15. 15. DATING Q&A C'mon, guys. It's time to start THINKING. You have to stand out and be DIFFERENT. Beautiful women get approached ALL THE TIME (and even the above-average ones) so you had better set yourself apart better than that. The first thing she's wondering is, quot;Why is this sorry chump talking to me?quot; That's what you're not hearing in that awkward silence. Instead, try this: Walk over and ask her what time it is, without facing her. (Keep your body language neutral so she doesn't immediately assume you're there to lick her boots.) If she has the time, ask her about her watch. Where'd she get it, etc. Then start busting her balls. quot;That isn't one of those fake Rolex's is it?quot; Do it nicely, so it doesn't come across as an insult. If she doesn't have the time, you start busting her balls right there. quot;What, can't you afford a watch?quot; (With a smile.) quot;Look, I'll tell you what, I just took over the CEO position at IBM and AT&T, and I MIGHT be able to get you a job there. Can you cook?quot; BLAM! Instant killer approach, with next to no effort. If she gets bitchy on you, you bust her chops for that. If your game is weak and your knees tremble when you're around hot women, then just start getting used to approaching her. Get acclimated, and then you can work your way up. Take it from there. If you don't know how to tease, you'll never make it with the hot women. You have to break through their defenses. And, quot;Hey, how's it going?quot; is NOT going to get you there. I'm not saying you need to start using lame lines, but it's readily apparent that this particular intro has absolutely no forethought in it. And even worse, it's obvious that there's no followup for it if there's a silence afterwards. You could use this opener without any problem if you'll only THINK about what the follow-up should be. quot;Hey, how's it going?quot; quot;Fine.quot; quot;Great, because I can only give you about five minutes to impress the heck out of me before the next batch of supermodels gets here to take me to a party. Pretend you're auditioning for a role on Joe Bachelor Millionaire. Ready? Go.quot; Pretend to start taking notes on a napkin. Now there's a follow-up that makes the quot;How's it going?quot; line work a little better. Think. THINK THINK THINK. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 15
  16. 16. DATING Q&A And don't be so concerned about showing her that you're not a quot;shallow @#%$,quot; because that's more transparent than showing her you are. Understand? Think about it: When you come from a place where you are doing nothing but trying to show her you're NOT something, that presumes that you ARE and you're covering it up. Why else would you be working so hard to show her you're NOT...? Let me tell you, she smells this a mile away. It's like month-old milk, dude. You have to stop letting these debilitating beliefs infect your mind. Women know men want sex. The game we must play is to NOT show this need up front - to not make it more important than the game she needs YOU to play to get there. That doesn't mean go out of your way to appear as if you don't want sex, or that you're some kind of feminist sympathizer. It means that the unspoken assumption is that you both want to f*ck like rabbits - AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. If you act like there is something wrong with that, you're making her wonder what kind of manipulating bastard you must be. It comes across to her subconscious that you're not congruent and you're untrustworthy. What you have to focus on is making her feel good about herself FIRST. Make her understand that you are different by the way you treat her as a unique woman. Hot and tasty, yes, but UNIQUE. If she smells fear, desperation, lack of control, lack of direction, lack of confidence, or any of the male traits that tells her you're not an Alpha Dog, she's going to chuck you in the mental trash heap with the rest of the guys she lets buy her drinks, only to go home and masturbate to her memory. Remember: It's more insulting to a woman to deny what you both know is going on because that makes her think you're just being MORE deceitful and untrustworthy than the guys who are at least honest with their motivation. This is why most guys who say they just quot;want to be themselvesquot; with women are LYING and DECEITFUL. Why? Because they're using more indirect and underhanded measures to get women to like them. They buy them dinners and they buy them flowers and they compliment them and they bend over backwards ... This equates to one thing: You're trading goods for sexual favors. In her mind, this means that you're courting her. She will interpret this to mean you're trying to MATE with her. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 16
  17. 17. DATING Q&A Instead, keep a safe distance, and work to get her attracted first. (You guys know this from the book. Attraction MUST come first.) Don't make the mistake most guys do - of trying to do the wrong things just because you think they OUGHT to work. Do ONLY what WORKS. quot;How do I know if a girl is interested in me? I find it hard to read her attraction to me when I'm so busy trying to show her my self-confidence?quot; The key to this question is understanding your correct attitude: You don't NEED her to like you. It's okay to WANT it, but don't become so attached to every encounter with a woman that you end up NEEDING her to like you. That's the train to nowhere, and it will leave soon if you even begin to go that route. There are many indicators of a girl's interest in you. You just have to know where to look. The primary three are these: 1 - Actions (What she does that indicates her interest obviously) 2 - Words (what she says to you) 3 - Body language (what she does that indicates her interest subtly) These are also in order. You trust her actions first, her words next, and her body language after that. If you're getting clear buying signals in her actions, ignore her words. If you get interest from her words, ignore her body movements. Your last resort is to interpret her body language. 1) The first indicator is her actions to tell you she likes you. Always watch what she does first, and ignore her words if they don't jive with the way she behaves. Here are a short list of quot;she's interestedquot; indicators: - She touches you or leans in close - She makes it a point to smell your cologne - She takes you along with her to another bar/dance club - She initiates conversation with you - She asks for your number (but only if she asks before or after giving hers. If she refuses to give you her number, she's not interested.) - She looks you over (especially glances at your mouth) 2) The next thing you listen to is her words. What does she say to you? Here's a list of things that indicate her interest verbally: © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 17
  18. 18. DATING Q&A - She asks a lot of questions about you - She talks about sexual topics (without you initiating them) - She uses very sensual words when describing you - She tells you secrets (indicating trust) 3) This next list is more difficult, since you will have to refine your radar as to what her body language is saying. It's much more subtle, and more difficult to read. Again, I always suggest that you make sure to judge her body language only when you have no other evidence to help you out. Here are some buying indicators: - Occasional glance(s) from far away - Looks at you a few times (flickering glances at your lips) - Holds your gaze for a moment with no words - Looks down, then away - Goes out of her way to laugh with you - Posture changes, looks alert - Covers her mouth or touches her face - Adjusts hair, attire - Faces you - Alert, energetic - Pupils are dilated - Open posture (arms uncrossed) Remember that your primary indication of interest from any woman is in her behavior. No matter what she says, if she isn't DOING the things that a woman that would do who is interested (smiles and talks to you, shows interest, gives you her phone number, etc.) she isn't REALLY interested. She's just trying to not hurt your feelings. Results are the TRUTH! © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 18
  19. 19. DATING Q&A PAIN MANAGEMENT I was snowboarding in Lake Tahoe a few weeks back, and there was a demonstration of chin-ups by some Marines to boost enlistment. They had the Marines hummer there, as well. I noticed the t-shirt one of the guys had on, and the message was brutally honest and clear: quot;Pain is the sensation of weakness leaving your body.quot; That got me thinking about the nature of pain, and how it functions in dating and seduction. The most important thing for a man to do as he learns how to handle women is to keep his head on straight. Keep your attitude healthy, because that will be the ultimate weapon in this war of the sexes. You must keep yourself on the positive upward spiral. The way you handle your pain in the singles world is critical to your overall success. How do you view pain? Do you avoid pain at all costs? Do you find yourself seeking only pleasure and staying away from circumstances that could potentially cause you pain? I address the pain/pleasure motivational spectrum in my e-book, THE DATING BLACK BOOK, and I want to help you through a little of your own anguish here today. How you handle it will ultimately determine your success. You see, you have to be willing - and even a little eager, as sick as that sounds - to go through a little discomfort to get to your goals with women. Men don't have the built-in sexual instincts that women are brought up with. Women study this stuff every week, from Teen magazine to Cosmopolitan, to know how the game works and how to win. They've always had the upper hand. Guys just start out at a natural disadvantage in dating and sex. As young men, we focus on being strong providers and enjoying ourselves, playing football and 'reading' Penthouse from time to time. Our sexual education is mostly comprised of a few bad porno movies, or our embarrassed father trying to explain the birds and the bees. (My dad's attempt was pretty awful.) Women get busy as soon as they discovered that Ken dolls were not anatomically correct, and they learn how to collaborate with other women about the drama of their relationships for enjoyment. To get better at the game of dating and seduction, think of it being something like when Michael Jordan decided he wanted to switch from basketball to baseball. Remember how he tried for the major leagues, but he had to go back to the minors to prove himself? You need to understand that YOU have to go back to the minor league, too. You need to get a few bumps and bruises, and then you can deal with her in the © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 19
  20. 20. DATING Q&A major leagues. (Unlike Michael, you CAN and WILL make it to the major leagues in this sport if you keep learning and improving.) So how do you manage the pain? First of all, realize that the ONLY pain you feel when you're out there in the quot;datingquot; world is all self-induced. YOU are the one making yourself feel bad or inadequate 95% of the time. Understand that most women NEVER do the things you are afraid of just for walking up and talking to her, like slapping you or throwing a drink in your face. As long as you're not a complete idiot and don't come on too strong, women will give you a chance about 99% of the time. All of the rejection you are so worried about is made up, and absolutely none of it reflects on you as a person. So how do you contend with the constant disappointment and mixed messages? Pain management is your answer. Set a threshold of emotional investment with women so that you limit your potential pain from them. If you find it difficult to flirt and hit on the ladies because it's too painful, back off a bit. Just say quot;Hi!quot; as you pass them on the street. Reduce your energy output so that you don't feel impacted by her response. When you get sufficiently recharged, you can then start to risk more contact with her again, and you'll feel more up to the challenge. Another form of pain management is to ensure that you interpret women's reactions correctly. It's easy and tempting to read too much into a woman's behavior, and even more difficult to not take her reactions too seriously. Remember that while you're trying to get into her bed, you should never try to get into her head. You need to keep your observation of her behavior based only on the results you get. Watch only what she DOES, not what she says. Her actions will tell you what she is feeling, even when her words seem to contradict. If you get caught up in the game of trying to figure out why she didn't call, or why she always flirts with other guys when you're around, you'll create a lot of pain for yourself. Stay as detached from her as possible at the early stages so you can avoid getting misdirected. The rule for pain management is the same as it is on Wall Street: Only invest as much as you can afford to lose. Too many guys get into trouble by putting too much of an emotional investment out there, and then when they don't get the response they feel entitled to, they turn bitter and angry. Don't make this mistake. Manage your pain, and you'll be able to stay in the game longer, and your endurance and tolerance will rise dramatically - as will your results. You'll feel your weaknesses around women leaving you with each step you take. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 20
  21. 21. DATING Q&A Here's a bonus strategy: To keep your attitude and sense of self and fulfillment up - and the pain controlled - take the opportunity to create a zone in your world to affirm your value. What you need to do is create an Ego Wall. An Ego Wall is a place where you hang your awards, certificates, diplomas, pictures, plaques, etc. - all the things that pump up your opinion and belief in yourself. On my Ego Wall I've got pictures of me snowboarding, skydiving, my day at a race car school, my college diploma, my martial arts certificates, etc. It's affirming to me, and when other women see it, they understand that I'm not just waiting around on the sidelines of life - I go out and actively pursue what I want. This is immensely attractive to women. Make yourself an ego-wall to help you through those painful moments in your learning process. And remember: Pain is nothing more than the sensation of weakness leaving your body. Manage that pain. The Point System The most important part of dating for men is maintaining a good attitude, and a correct attitude. It's one thing to not be bitter when you face rejection and your fears with women, but it's another to make sure that you're keeping up your posture. In short, your posture is your overall status level with a woman. Your posture can range from total supplicating wimp on the left end of the scale, and hardcore self- interested jerk on the far right. You are shooting for something a bit over to the right of center when you first start dating a gal, and you ease off until you are at a good equilibrium somewhere near the middle. One of the most effective tactics for letting a woman know that you are self- confident is by showing her that you are not the kind of guy who takes whatever is handed to him. You have standards, and she has to live up to them. The tactic I'm about to teach you is exceptionally effective, as it communicates your posture right away. (This technique is also an excellent variation of the quot;neg-hitquot; or negative hit technique where you let a woman know she isn't getting any breaks for being attractive.) The Point System goes a little like this: © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 21
  22. 22. DATING Q&A John is at a bar with Mary, who he just started talking to. He's been talking to her for a few minutes, and there seems to be a good vibe. Here's their interaction: John: quot;So, I've always thought of snowboarding as more free-form than skiing. You can do quite a bit more freestyle activity. Of course a lot of skiers tend to complain about snowboarders.quot; Mary: quot;Sure. I've been skiing all my life, and I've never really had any problem with 'boarders. They're like the hippies of the slopes.quot; John: (Nodding.) quot;Hmm. That's a good analysis. You just scored a few points with me. I might be seen skiing with you.quot; (smile) Or, John: quot;Let's see, the best movie I've seen lately was 'Daredevil.' I think Ben Affleck handled the role very well. Mary: quot;Oh, I saw that last weekend, too. I liked it a lot, too.quot; John: (Looking impressed) quot;Wow! I'm impressed. You scored some points there. A woman who appreciates a good super hero movie.quot; Now, you see what is happening here: John made it clear that he is not out to win Mary's approval. She has to win HIS. By telling her that she scored some points with him, he's also telling her that he wasn't so sure about her. She has to WORK to gain some credibility with him. John comes across as more valuable since he is not a free commodity. He's sending a subtle communication to her that he is not like other guys. Use this maybe once or twice in your conversation, and don't overdo it. The trick of this is to make sure that you aren't giving her too much confidence along the way by awarding her too many quot;points.quot; She has to wonder where she stands with you. The best way to do this (and it's required to complete this strategy) is to take away points from her later in the conversation and see how she responds to the challenge. Mary: quot;I'm not a big fan of Jackie Chan.quot; John: (Shaking his head.) quot;Uh-oh. I'm going to have to take a few points off for that. How can you not like Jackie?quot; John just communicated his implied disapproval with her, and if Mary is at all interested in him, she'll come back with something to try and win those points back. If she wants John, she'll also want his approval. There is always the danger of this tactic coming across as arrogant, so handle the delivery fairly delicately. It's best to have something to say immediately following the quot;You scored pointsquot; line so that it takes a little of the edge off and it's not hanging out there, waiting to be shot down. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 22
  23. 23. DATING Q&A Be aware that many women aren't used to having this kind of role reversal used on them. They will test you on it with a slightly indignant tone. quot;What? I'M scoring points? Ha!quot; (What she's saying without words is that she wants the control, and doesn't take kindly to your attempt to keep it.) How do you handle this? To begin with, you must not act even slightly affected by her attempts to call you on it. If you lose your humor, or start to look uncertain, you'll have flunked the test, and she'll know that you were just posturing. On the other hand, if you stand your ground, you can handle this without missing a beat. Your best strategy is to pause for a few seconds, while looking her in the eye, and then chuckle to yourself. Then, when she says, quot;I'M scoring points!? Right, buster,quot; you can say: quot;Hmm, up until then you were.quot; quot;Uh-oh. Looks like the princess thinks I'm full of it. Maybe you're testing me.quot; quot;Is this how you charm all the guys?quot; quot;Hmm. Now why would you say that?quot; The best response to her test is a negative hit that lets her understand that 1) She doesn't intimidate you and you aren't backing down, and 2) you will do it politely and with a good sense of humor (no bitterness or resentment). I, personally, will walk away from women who act indignant when I let them know that I'm not a supplicating wimp. It's obvious at that point that she'll probably be high- maintenance from the start, and you can only expect that she'll have a death grip on the steering wheel of any dating relationship. She's inflexible, and probably a control freak with an over-inflated opinion of herself. Used judiciously, the Point System will help you weed out the women with poor attitudes, as well as improve your posture in the eyes of the ones with good attitudes. Remember, no woman ever wants what comes easily, and if she expects you to bow to her superiority, you want nothing to do with her. QUESTION: My ex G/F of six years just recently stopped speaking to me and will not even acknowledge me. We broke up over a year ago but still would see each other from time to time. Usually we spend the weekend together we still went places and did things like © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 23
  24. 24. DATING Q&A we used to but it was mainly for the incredible sex. We always ended up in a screaming yelling fight and she usually pack her @#%$ a leave. She allways seemed to come back to our motel room a while later ands tell me if I could calm down she would stick around. Any way I have been an evil bastard to her as result of her negetive and sh*tty atituted towards me. No matter how civil I am she always finds an excuse to be a bitch which eventually results in me losing my temper and calling her names and using all the things she has told me about herself against her. She is very insecure and can not handle being called things like a sweaty pig or a stinky dirty slut. She has finally stopped talking to me she will respond to my email or ansewr my phone calls. I dont understand this because last time we spoke I did not flip out even though she was a totol bitch. The only thing I did was ask if she was seeing anyone new which resulted in her hanging up on me and we havn't spoke since. I did leave a few nasty voice mails and send her a pretty @#%$ email. Can [you] give me an Idea of how I might get her to speak with me again after all she is a great lady and at one time was my best friend. -------------------------------------- Good gosh. You're kidding me, right? It's bad enough you didn't even spell-check that gruesome tirade ... Let me get this straight: You mean to tell me you called this woman a quot;sweaty pigquot; and a quot;stinky dirty slut,quot; you lose your temper, you leave nasty voice mails and emails, you dredge up the dirt from her past, and you expect her to respect you or be interested in being your friend? You call her vile names to her face, and you then tie it all up with quot;she is a great ladyquot; and once your quot;best friendquot;? (Insert look of complete astonishment here) (Insert shaking of head and rolled eyes) (Insert sound of hysterical laughter) Dude, if I were talking to her right now, I'd tell her to run for the hills and get as far away from you as humanly possible. No joke. She may be insecure, but it appears to me that she's mostly reacting to the gasoline that you're pissing on her campfire. Is this how you treat your quot;friendsquot;? © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 24
  25. 25. DATING Q&A Seek some anger management. Your temper and anger is a problem. You have no idea how a lack of emotional control will cripple you in life - and with women. The one thing healthy women desire is your emotional control, because they will test you with freakish emotional outbursts that make Liza Minelli look like Ghandi on Valium. You're ducking out your responsibility for your portion by pretending that you only acted as a quot;result of her negative and sh*tty attitudequot; towards you. You both have a claim in this, and your emotional control is always your responsibility. When you've lost that, you've become a reactive pit bull, a violent emotional grenade that's looking to have his pin pulled. It seems to me like you've used up all your second chances with this woman. Sometimes the most amazing thing to me isn't what women will put up with, but what a man expects that he can get away with dishing out. Quite frankly, I'm amazed you two lasted for six years. Don't get me wrong; I'm not siding with either one of you, but you've made it pretty clear that your relationship was probably about as dysfunctional as Angelina Jolie and Billie-Bob Thornton's doomed marriage. Out of her insecurity, she manipulates you to have an emotional outburst, which you conveniently provide, and start the whole psychotic gambit all over again. How you can get her to speak with you again? Gee, let me use some freakin' common sense here. Maybe stop abusing her? STOP being such an emotional child. Clean up your attitude and treat her with respect and dignity - even if she DOESN'T treat you this way. And if she ever does talk to you again (which you frankly don't deserve, no matter how much of a quot;bitchquot; she may have been in the past) you better remember how fortunate you are, even when she's yanking on your grenade pin. Ask yourself one question: Are you behaving like a person who she should talk to? Answer that truthfully. Sorry for the wet slap of reality, dude, but it sounds like you need it. I usually don't jump into quot;relationship dynamics,quot; but this situation seemed to beg for it. There is a dynamic here, by the way, and one worth noting. You see, when things go wrong in a long-term relationship, there is never just one person who screwed it up - it was a joint effort. Guaranteed. In fact, if you want a great test for a woman you're dating to see if she's quot;relationshipquot; material, ask her this: quot;So tell me, why did your last relationship end?quot; (First of all, you're beating her to the punch, since this is a standard first-date screening © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 25
  26. 26. DATING Q&A question. Second, it puts her on the defense for a moment.) Listen VERY carefully to her answer. If she absolves herself of all responsibility and refuses to acknowledge HER role in the disintegration of a previous relationship, you should consider that a red flag. You may be dealing with a woman with issues, and if she's unable to see her part of the responsibility, then she's liable to not take any responsibility with you either. (You see, even if her last boyfriend was a complete nut case and it sounds like it was mostly HIS behavior that screwed things up, you have to wonder why she stayed with him. If it was for anything more than sex, she probably has self-esteem issues.) Remember that we tend to bring out the best and WORST in the people we date. A relationship is a catalyst for all the crazy insecurities you can dredge up. The more you have, the more you rub against hers, and that's where you start to see the problems. Take the time to get your emotional control in order first, because that's most important. Then you can deal much more rationally with any of the insanity you'll encounter out there when you're with other women. QUESTION: There is a woman who says that she loves me she knows I am married but she keep asking me what I want from her. I told her I would like to make love to her but she wants to hear more. -------------------------------------- Get out of your marriage and then make love to all the women you want. But don't ask me to condone dishonorable behavior like cheating on your wife. You should have considered this more BEFORE you said, quot;I do.quot; Otherwise, take your medicine. You made a commitment, so stick with it. (Oh, and watch quot;Fatal Attractionquot; a few times so you can get an inkling of what this other woman could do to your life if you screw around. You’d be lucky if she didn’t cut your dick off.) © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 26
  27. 27. DATING Q&A QUESTION: I hope you can help me. I have looked everywhere and figured only you guys will probably have the answer. I'm looking for a professional definition of the phrase quot;The Wing Man!quot; I was surprised to see it wasn't anywhere on your site. -------------------------------------- Here, I'll give you the classic and modified versions: A Wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles outings (like to bars) that helps you out with the women. Typically in these ways: - Since women often travel in pairs or packs, your wingman helps you approach them without feeling weird about being solo. - The wingman will sometimes take the least attractive gal of the pair you approach so that you can get the one you want. (Though, this is not always necessary.) - The wingman gives you social proof - or validation that you are a trustable man, not some drifter in town just to get laid. - A wingman helps by motivating you to get away from the television and go out to practice your skills on women, and you do the same for him. - The wingman can also be a more skilled seducer, a man from whom you can learn a great deal by flying at his side. Keep in mind that a wingman should never be too inexperienced or he will hold you back. (Unless you are mentoring him.) I don't watch a lot of television, but I understand that there is a Bud Light commercial where they have a pretty good parody of the wingman taking quot;one for the teamquot; by suffering at the table with a lame gal while his partner is out dancing with a hottie. That's one of the situations a wingman can be put in, but the learning and support system is unbelievable if you do it right. Your wingman is an invaluable assistant for you (and you for him), so don't underestimate the value of finding one that you can work with. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 27
  28. 28. DATING Q&A QUESTION: I had a girlfriend of a year and a half. We are over 10 years apart- I am older. we grew to love each other and had a good relationship- I met the parents and the whole nine. Recently she is moving to NY to go to school and broke up with me saying she just isn't girlfriend material right now. I guess she just wants to experience other guys and life and grow right? I was also clingy and wasn't being a go-getter in our relationship I admit- I was being very anti-exciting and anti-ambitious, wasn't keeping my word about what I was going to do and she mentioned that too. I know that contributed to her losing interest too. Meanwhile, she is really go-getting and doing her thing and achieving. What do you think I should do to get her back and how? what do you think about the whole situation and how I could build myself up and be more appealing to her and get back in with her? How do I make a woman feel protected? how do I not just give into her way all the time (one of the things I did too that I know helped spell the end) and show my anger appropriately and show that I have backbone? Lemme know please. Give it to me straight, no chaser. -------------------------------------- Hey, I'll even give it to you shaken, not stirred. There's an interesting saying: You know you have someone special when you want to be a better person for them. There's only one problem: You don't have her. So your desire to - as you say - quot;build yourself up for herquot; is driven from a need for redemption. Yes, she probably wants to go out and (as Chris Rock says) get some dick. I don't know how old she is, and I suspect she probably does need to sow some wild oats. But even if that weren't the case, you haven't exactly been keeping the home fires burning, now have you? Hindsight is most definitely 20/20. So let's go through the mistakes and how to correct them: 1) Clingy. Clingy is BAD. Don't cling. This puts women into a mode where they wonder if you are capable of protecting them. A real man is independent. He stands on his own, even when he's with a woman. THAT, my friend, is how you make a woman feel protected. You show her a man that doesn't need her approval to be the person you are. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 28
  29. 29. DATING Q&A 2) Not a go-getter. You need to find a little ambition in your life, dude. Women are attracted to ambition because it's an Alpha male trait, indicating that you are a survivor, provider, and protector. It's rather complicated how these attitudes are connected, but suffice to say that a lack of ambition indicates passivity and the opposite indicates an active disposition. Get involved in something in life. Find your passion. Women are attracted to men who are chasing their dreams because it allows them to latch on to your excitement and energy. One warning: Just as women love to tag along with a man who has passions other than her, many like to divert his attention from those passions back over to HER as a method of proving their control and her importance to you. Don't fall for this trap. Once she's pulled your attention off your passions, she'll leave you because you'll have lost her interest. I'd think after all this the answer should be obvious: Reverse your errors and demonstrate the opposite of those qualities you just mentioned. Demonstrate independence. Get a little fire and ambition. Get out there and DO something. Do some exciting things. Show some backbone and refuse her requests from time to time. I'll be brutally honest: Once you've lost a woman's interest, especially by acting in all the counter-productive ways you've listed, you've got nearly zero chance of reclaiming her attraction. And, even if she did give you a quot;second chance,quot; you'd have to be able to maintain a consistent strength and power about you, because at the first indication that you might slip into your old quot;wimpquot; mode, she would disappear faster than Saddam Hussein in a sandstorm. She would test you constantly, and take you for granted at every turn. Respect, once lost, can almost never be regained. You're much better off developing your attitude (may I highly recommend THE DATING BLACK BOOK to help you get there?) and giving the benefit of your newfound strength to a new woman who will appreciate it. Because it's doubtful your ex ever will. The best you can ever hope to accomplish is to become the kind of person you know you need to, and then let her see the new you - without making it obvious that you're trying to win her back. You see, even if you were to change for the better, if she thinks you did it just to win her, you won't win her respect. She'll just think you're a complete supplicating approval-seeking wimp that she can manipulate. Act from your own center, © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 29
  30. 30. DATING Q&A not her opinion of you, and make it clear to her that this is your source. Only then do you stand a chance of her taking notice and becoming interested again. Sometimes the price we pay for our errors is this kind of pain and regret after the fact. Instead of chasing her down and putting yourself down another painful path, you need to take this pain and frustration and let it FUEL YOUR CHANGE - to correct the next situation. Let it change you for the better instead of chasing down and trying to right your mistakes. They're over with. Move on. QUESTION: First off, I recently purchased the dating black book and it's a masterpiece. I've still got a lot to read but the insight it's given so far (not even half way in) is more than worth the price. A few weeks later ... I thought I'd drop in and visit this Russian girl. She was there, but she actually had the night off. .. so I invited her to come back to the party with me. We had some great conversation and she was touching me quite a bit although, I kinda got the impression that she thought of me as a player. End of the night (4am) we decided it was time to go home. We hugged and I put her in a cab. I never asked for her number because I got the impression that this girl had some baggage. So basically for the past few months I've been seeing her at her work place once or twice a week after the bar (when I'm a bit buzzed) and we've been hanging out. This has progressed to her hanging out at my place late night after her work to her sleeping over with me in my bed, but get this - all we do is cuddle! None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on. She opened up to me one night and told me that she was in an abusive relationship and I think it screwed her up big time in the trust department. We hang out in the day sometimes and we have a great time. She loves to walk so we do a lot of that. Other times we'll just rent a movie and she'll always snuggle up to me or lie on my chest. I'm always joking around with her and she laughs her head off. I tease her quite a bit and she loves my sense of humor - she's said it's exactly what she'd want in her ideal man. She's also told me that she finds me to be good looking. She knows that I date 2-3 times/wk and if the phone rings while she's over she always wants to know who it was. She's not seeing anyone right now, but sometimes she'll make it a point to tell me about some interesting guy who stopped by her work without going into any detail. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 30
  31. 31. DATING Q&A This girl is a model part-time and she's pretty damn hot so that doesn't help things either. What the heck do I do with this? She's moving away at the end of the summer. Can I get some action before she goes or should I just cut off the sleepovers and forget about her? I really do like her, but I'd never tell her that. I'm not sure that I'd want to date her (although it already kind of feels like we are sans action), but we could definitely have more fun. Not even sure how this happened. This is bizarre because I've never just quot;sleptquot;(literally) in the same bed with a girl(a hot girl no less). Is she just playing with me? She has a 4-day modeling/acting shoot in Montreal (about a 2 hour car ride). Should I go with her? I'm leaning towards a yes because I know we'd have a really good time. Confused as all heck ----------------------------- All right, I’m going to get real with you on this one, because there are a lot of areas to clear up. Get scrubbed, because we’re going into the dating O.R. (operating room, for you non E.R. watching fools... like me...) 1) If you get the vibe that a girl has baggage YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT! Most guys have decent baggage-radar, but they choose to ignore the massive ping signals they get. Remember that there are pros and cons to these women. The only real quot;proquot; is that she's probably got bruised self-esteem, and you might score based on that alone. But that's a bit vulture-ous, and I would avoid the possible aftermath. The big quot;Conquot; to this situation is that she's got issues, and that means she'll monkey with your head and wind up spinning YOU around to the tune of her games. (And she has, my friend.) Abusive relationships have turned this girl into a HEAD CASE. Sometimes also known as DAMAGED GOODS. She feels inadequate and unworthy. 2) You say: quot;None of my friends can believe that nothing is going on.quot; Well, DUH! Yeah, neither can I! What's going through that head of yours? She's basically turned you into her sex-less little girlfriend. She can weep on your shoulder, use you for bed and breakfast and pretend like she's jealous when you've got another woman interested in you, but basically what she's got is you wrapped around her finger. Don't tell me - you're not getting any from the other women you're dating either, primarily because this hot one takes up all your mental bandwidth. quot;But I want her...quot; he says to himself all the time. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 31
  32. 32. DATING Q&A 3) Early on, you got buying indicators (touching, etc.) but you chose to ignore them. When you failed to take action on those, her female mental processes started switching you off as a sex-buddy and you were starting to be thrown into that quot;friendquot; bin. She says you're quot;good lookingquot;? Great. That's the consolation prize every woman who won't put out likes to give. Not that you're probably not, but she's just trying to tell you that in some way, her damaged psyche is telling her that she has issues in her self- worth. Women who are broken this way often like to edify men and then refuse themselves the ones they try to convince themselves they SHOULD want. Bottom line: She's not feeling gut-level attraction for you. She hasn't since that first night when you needed to keep moving in. (Read the article in this book on Always Advancing Your Assault.) I was going to advise you to go ahead and just bust a move on her and move in, no excuses. Either get what you need with no shame, or boot her the hell out. Enough of this walking-the-fence-crap. If you're looking for some sex, hit it and quit it. Time for her to choose which team she's on. But I think the more important step for you is to cut her off and move on. Ultimately, that will have the most validation and positive impact to your nervous system. You're starting to slide down the slippery slope of wimpiness, and I want you to gather some of your confidence back. Sometimes the best way to do that is to cut off someone who's damaging to you. Regain some of your pride and self-confidence by proving that you can TURN HER DOWN. If you don't you're going to start reinforcing an image of yourself that says that 1) this treatment is okay, and 2) You can't do any better. This is a dangerous fork in the road, my friend. I've been there myself, and I've seen others come to it. To the left is quot;Nice Guyquot;-ville. This is where your masculinity evaporates, and your once-happening sex and dating life with it. The media and shitty romantic comedies have almost convinced you to go over to this dark side. Pretty soon, you'll believe that men are really bad - they abuse women, and start wars, and rape women, and damage the environment ... To the right is your possible route to being an Alpha Male again. You don't capitulate to women. Here's your prescription: First, stop the sleepovers. Now. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 32
  33. 33. DATING Q&A Don't date her. If you don't stop this now you're going to wind up as one of those sorry case examples that I end up using to correct another situation. Instead, be the good example that corrects his situation and gets back in the game. Reclaim your balls from her and get to it. Next, re-read the section of the e-book where I talk about quot;Trustquot; and the Therapist Trap. Do NOT go with her on this trip. You said you think you'll have a great time? Does this sound like a quot;greatquot; time to you: - She continues to use you - You don't get any sex - Your balls progressively inflate and turn blue - And you don't get any other kind of connection with a woman that can give you what you want because you're too busy playing Tom Hanks to her weepy dysfunctional Meg Ryan. Every minute you spend with Ms. Cuddles is another minute you aren't getting what you want. She's turned into your pet project. You're thinking you can turn her around, or still get something out of this, after all, you've sunk so much effort in this far... Ask yourself: How much longer are you going to accept losing? Remember the ultimate loser affirmation: quot;Yeah, I know, but...quot; BUT what? Get out! Do you have any idea how many reasonably SANE and attractive women there are out there who WILL have sex with you and give you the complete package? If you did, you wouldn't be in this situation. 'Nuff said, homey. QUESTION: How come you say looks do not matter? Look at all these guys. They say the looks do matter, and they are players. --------------------- © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 33
  34. 34. DATING Q&A (First of all, let me fill in some blanks for the readers. This email came in with a couple of articles and postings about how men’s looks DO matter. And he's contesting that looks do matter when I've said before that looks don't really matter.) Well, gee, golly, let me check my ID card here... uh-huh. That's what I thought. It says, quot;I'm a playerquot; too. Wow! What a co-inky-dink. It's time for a little lesson here, because SOME people are having a difficult time understanding what quot;looksquot; really are and mean. There is the first kind of quot;looksquot; which is your PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS. Does this matter? Sure it does. No one is going to argue that good looks won't help you in life. That's a fact. HOWEVER... Your looks are only going to get your foot in the door. (Fact: have you ever seen food that looked great but tasted like shit? Think about it.) Look at Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson... Look at Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. Look at ... aw, hell, just about any couple you know that makes you go, quot;HUH???quot; The second kind of looks is your APPEARANCE. How neat do you dress? Do you have nice shoes? A good haircut? Did you trim those Daddy-Longlegs hairs that were sprouting out of your nose and ears? The third kind of looks is the AURA OF CONFIDENCE that you project. THIS is THE MOST IMPORTANT KIND OF LOOKS! You'll get laid more often with these looks and decent APPEARANCE looks than you will with PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS alone. Re-read that until it sinks in. I suspect most of you already KNOW this, but it's easier for some to keep frowning and sulking, kicking the ground and whining about how all the good looking women go for the good looking guys. Gosh, it's just not FAIR. WRONG! Their good quot;looksquot; help, but it's their ALPHA MALE behavior that projects this. What these guys got was a little cocky and confident about their ability with women because their looks gave them a good start - maybe a couple feet difference in the starting blocks. And then they got this experience reinforced over time. That experience increased their confidence. And up and up and up... © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 34
  35. 35. DATING Q&A If I had a dime for every guy I knew who was good looking but totally f*&$ing up his singles life because he was a wimp - a NICE GUY - I'd be friggin' rich. I kid you NOT. You'll get laid more often with your ATTITUDE/POSTURE and the APPEARANCE looks you have than you will with PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS alone. The point of my point is that if you have looks, great. But you still need more. If you don't have looks, great. You can overcome this with the right attitude. Don't understand? Then you're not getting quot;IT.quot; The quot;ITquot; I'm talking about is pervasive in this newsletter, and it's explained fully in my e-book. The IT is your ATTITUDE, my friends. NOTHING is more important. And I'm going to give you some proof very soon of that through some experiments I've been conducting on hotornot.com and Match.com. By the tone of your email, dear reader, you're looking to do one of two things: Prove me wrong (keep trying), or Prove yourself right - in some mistaken belief that looks are your biggest problem. News flash: If you think your looks are holding you back, then guess what? They ARE going to hold you back. Subconsciously and consciously. On the other hand, if you act as though your looks are NOT holding you back, they won't. Your attitude will jump up a couple notches, SHE will sense it, and you'll start getting laid. Then you'll get your proof that looks are just a visitor's pass, and even the best looking guys get dropped FAST if they act like wimps. Henry Ford said: quot;Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're probably right.quot; Oh, and one more thing to contemplate - What if it were true that women went for better looking guys? Ask yourself: What if this were true? There are two kinds of guys out there: 1) The kind that would accept this belief and piss and moan about it - using it as their sole excuse in life for not being an Alpha Man and getting what they want. quot;I'm not gorgeous, so gorgeous women won't want me. Boo-hoo.quot; Hand him a tissue. 2) The kind that DO what they need to in order to GET what they want. They'd find a way around it. If they don't see the circumstances they want, they MAKE them. The number 2 guys out there understand that THIS ATTITUDE ALONE is what gets them successful with ANY woman they want. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 35
  36. 36. DATING Q&A QUESTION So how much do you tell a woman up front about yourself? They always ask so many questions. How much information do you give her? ---------------- Disclosure is a tricky aspect of seduction. It's hard to know what to tell her and when for the maximum effect. Here's a general rule of thumb: NEVER tell a woman anything that might lower her attraction for you. That sounds very simple and very common sense, but you'd be amazed how many men get suckered into giving up way too much intimate and unnecessary detail. It's also tempting, especially when women SAY they want quot;Honestyquot; from men. But they DON'T. Not really. What they're saying is: quot;It's okay, as long as you don't outright LIE to me. I just don't want or need to know everything about you to sleep with you.quot; Too much disclosure too early kills - murders - your chances for sleeping with a woman. Too much disclosure means you lack SELF-CONTROL, and that's one of the critical components of your self-confidence. It's better to err to the side of giving her too little information. It creates more mystery, which works in your favor (as long as you work to increase her attraction along with it.) Telling her something negative about you can NEVER increase the positive feelings she has for you. It doesn't work like that. Think about it this way: If you're out with a woman, and she lets slip that she was just on medication for an STD (sexually transmitted disease), what's going to run through your mind the whole time you're with her? Yup. That's right. DISEASE. Vaginal critters. Maybe even AIDS. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 36
  37. 37. DATING Q&A Her honesty = Your repulsion. You will NOT be more attracted to her or likely to sleep with her because of her being so open with you. In fact, if you're smart, you'll move along quickly. This works exactly the same for her. Think about it another way: If you were just pulling down her panties, and she's groping to undo your belt, and she whispers in your ear that she's just finished medication to clear up her STD, so she couldn't take her birth control pills, which means you better have a good rubber, you're going to be more inclined to agree and still go through with the event than if she let that information slip in the first few minutes of talking to her. (Also depending on how much blood is still left in your brain.) There's a time and a place for information. And sometimes there is NO time and NO place for certain kinds of information. o Keep your thirst for porn out of the conversation o Don't try to impress her with your encyclopedic knowledge of serial killers o Don't talk about the hum-job you got from your cousin when you were nine (you perv) o Don't discuss how you've always wanted to tour the Medieval torture devices in Europe o Keep your desire to get peed on hush-hush until you at least get one sexual act complete o Don't invite her over to look at your comic book collection, thinking that Todd Macfarlane's art is going to turn her on. In short, don't discuss blood, pain, death, rape, murder, war, famine, or any other of a million negative topics. Everything should be positive at the start, and especially positive about YOU. So this is important: She doesn't need to know your entire sordid dirty history before she lets you sleep with her. She only needs to know enough that you're not dangerous or violent. (I've had women email me interview questionnaires before, believe it or not. I don't let them screen me out so easily. I tell them the questions get answered when we get together. Maybe.) Ideally, you shouldn't even talk about yourself when you're with a woman. The conversation should be entirely focused on HER, without looking like you're avoiding talking about yourself. Be mysterious, not suspicious. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 37
  38. 38. DATING Q&A QUESTION: Dear Guru, I met a girl when I was last in my home city on holiday. I got her number and called her a couple of days later because I was leaving town in a week. Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the way with her the night before I left. It was a good night and she had a lot of promise. I have kept a casual phone relationship with her for six months. I know she has since been seeing another guy, a cool musician type. Now I am back in my home city to live. She doesn't know this yet. I want to be prepared when i see her. It would be great to get her off this guy and interested in me again! Any advice on how i can do this with poise and confidence? Cheers -------------------------------------- Guru? Wow. Great title for me. First of all, let's go over the positive things you relate in your story, because there are a lot of subtle attitudinal things going on here that I don't want anyone to miss: 1) quot;I got her number and called her a couple of days later because I was leaving town in a week.quot; This answers the question a lot of guys pose about quot;when do I call her?quot; Answer: You call her when you feel the timing is right for you. I don't like blanket rules of quot;4 daysquot; or quot;the first Monday after the first Sunday you got her number.quot; Generally speaking, I'd wait at least 2 days, but if the situation demands it, and you can pull it off confidently, theoretically you can call her just about anytime. But you have to have the right ATTITUDE. I cannot stress this enough. (Watch the movie quot;Swingersquot; to see how NOT to handle this.) 2) quot;Anyway, after a couple of short meetings, I seduced her and went all the way with her the night before I left.quot; Excellent! You kept your first couple of meetings short (not these drawn out, dinner/movie/drinks combinations that so many guys fall into the trap of doing.) And you © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 38
  39. 39. DATING Q&A progressed to the goal confidently before your departure. You saw that if you worked to your goal, you will get it. 3) quot;It was a good night and she had a lot of promise.quot; PRECISELY! You're getting it. She had a lot of promise. You understand that she is the one that has to prove herself to you, NOT the other way around. Too many men go around with the smell of approval-seeking on them and then wonder why they aren't getting anywhere. She has to show her promise to you, guys. Most of the women you meet will be unsuitable for the long-term. I know, that's hard to believe, but it's doubly true for very attractive women. If you understand this fact - REALLY understand it - you'll then reflect an attitude that draws women in. If you act like a man that tries to look promising to HER, it's a completely different mindset, and it puts you at an immediate disadvantage. (Just remember, most women aren't what you want - beyond the sex.) Now, to cover your question: quot;Any advice on how I can do this with poise and confidence?quot; Well, I'm curious about that quot;casualquot; phone relationship you kept. I'll interpret it to mean that you were not calling her every day and you still went about your life. Which means that she obviously did, too. And the fact that you know about her new interest, Mr. Rockabilly, means that she must feel comfortable disclosing her situation to you in detail. The key to your re-acquiring this target is that you need to gauge how interested she still is in you. If she's written you off as a one-shot lover, she may not want to start up the fire again. (One of the reasons she may have been interested in your earlier one- night-stand was that she knew you weren't local. Therefore, any social pressures she may have had were lowered significantly.) On the other hand, if she's the kind of woman that doesn't like feeling that she's been a quot;slut,quot; she might want to see you again to establish things in her mind, to make herself feel better. It really all depends on what kind of explicit or implicit arrangement you feel she's made in her head. Only you can figure this out for sure. Here's what you can do: Make it a point to offer a surprise meeting with her. Call her up and tell her you're quot;in town.quot; You don't have to go into detail about your situation. Set up a meeting with her. Go somewhere she has never been before (so that you get her out of her familiar environment.) Go get a drink somewhere. Don't make it sound too much like a quot;date.quot; Tell her you want to catch up with her and you've got something quot;importantquot; about your life to share with her. A quot;surprise.quot; Use a little bait. © 2003 – Carlos Xuma – DD Publications – All Rights Reserved – Unauthorized duplication or distribution is strictly prohibited. Visit www.datingdynamics.com for more information. 39

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